Not Knowing
From Jane Hirshfield's The Envoy
… I watched
as something—terror? happiness? grief?—
entered and then left my body.
Not knowing how it came in,
Not knowing how it went out.
It hung where words could not reach it.
It slept where light could not go.
…
There are openings in our lives
of which we know nothing.
Liara looked with tear-clouded eyes at the red-clad visitors and recognized them as justicars. It was over. It was all over. Liara buried her face in the bed. She'd never see Thala or Rasti again, or get to celebrate graduating. Her Mitera hadn't gone to the ceremony because she'd known this was coming! No Serrice University, no chance to distinguish herself on her own as a Prothean researcher. They would kill her for being an absolute failure of an asari, a wasted life, a pureblood who'd consorted with an … an ardat yakshi. Even her Mitera was getting out of the way to just watch while they did it. Let them. They might as well. She had nothing to live for anymore. Nobody could love her. Her life was over. Forever. No more. Finished.
When nothing happened, she tensed, waited a little longer, then slowly lifted her face. There was no one else in the room! They'd all gone and left her! Everyone left her! She wasn't even worth killing! She pulled a pillow to her, buried her face in it and cried until her head ached as much as her heart. Thala!
When she woke, it was dark, and a tray with two of her favorite sweet fruits had been left on a portable stand by the bed. She turned in annoyance from the sight. Did they think that sweets could set things right?! She'd lost Thala, not a game of biotic ball! She burst into tears and curled up under the covers.
When she woke again, she rolled over on her back and stared out the window. It was afternoon, or so she guessed. It was hard to tell while the sand storms continued. She searched for her omni and saw it over by where she'd taken off her pants. Maybe Thala had called? She went and picked it up. No light flashed on it. Of course. Nobody cared. Thala didn't love her any more. She started sobbing.
Shiala pushed the zigzag of the branches out of the way. The wind whipped against her face, and she had to shield her eyes, grateful for the mask covering her nose and mouth. Ahead, Benezia knelt facing away, wearing a white sleeveless dress. Gray marks stained the soles of her feet, and sand had collected in the folds of her dress in the lee of her body.
Circling, Shiala saw Benezia's lifted chin and closed eyes. Her hands lay loosely, palms up, on her thighs. Shiala could see sand sparkle in the lines of Benezia's palms and glint on the tops of her cheekbones under her eyes, in the folds of her crests, and in the crease of her lips.
Imitating Benezia's meditative pose, Shiala knelt but didn't close her eyes. She watched the wind flatten Benezia's dress against her body and swirl the sand around her in a sparkling eddy in the fitful afternoon light.
Benezia spoke without opening her eyes. "I have loved these trees for centuries, and they are dying. My garden is dying."
"Everything dies, that is the fate of every living thing." Shiala noted the things that marked her teacher as a matriarch—the darker coloring of her crests, the softer fullness of her breasts and hips, and the sharper lines where the roundness of youth had given way to the more angular delineations of maturity in her face and hands.
Benezia lowered her chin. "It's too soon."
"Their time is their own to find," Shiala reached out and placed a hand over one of Benezia's, the grief on her teacher's face too painful to witness without action, "and their gift."
Benezia's eyes opened. Shiala slowly drew her hand away, the motion gentle enough to be a caress.
"Each loss," Benezia stared at her open, empty hands, "is like a drop. One can be endured, two, three, but together…. Each sorrow swells with all the others, and it's more than I can carry."
"You told us lives have their seasons, and that any loss, however great, makes room for new life." Shiala placed a hand in front of Benezia in the dust. "You said, here are my parents."
"My child." Benezia closed her eyes tightly again, sand sticking to the moisture leaking from them.
Shiala's cheeks burned, and she regarded her own knees. "Liara is healing."
The wind gusted, swirling sand about them. When Shiala looked up, she found Benezia regarding her. She swallowed.
"The training helped her greatly." Benezia's hands turned palm down on her thighs, and her arms took the weight of her upper body, lifting her shoulders.
"Yes, I think it did." Shiala frowned under Benezia's gaze. "I … keep having the impulse to tell Liara about … what had happened to me."
Benezia leaned forward and touched Shiala's cheek lightly with the backs of her fingers. "That would be very generous, to offer her that. I'm not sure she has the maturity to accept that gift without causing you pain. I would not see you hurt for trying to help her. She's not as she was."
"Dida," Shiala looked into Benezia's eyes, "she can't be." She caught Benezia's hand. She could feel the small bones and tendons, the dry warmth of it. "Let her know that's okay. Show her how to accept it."
Pain crossed Benezia's face, "Shiala."
Shiala leant forward. "Life can … starting over can … lead to greater things. I wanted to …" She noticed she was staring at Benezia's lips and tore her gaze away, to look at the ground. She grew quiet for a moment. "I don't have your words." She inched forward on her knees, shifting them in the dust to get closer to Benezia, her grasp tightening to convey her earnestness. "Dida, show her what you showed me at the sacred spring. It has been a touchstone for me."
A low breeze swept across the ground, and fluttered Benezia's dress free of dirt. Benezia blinked several times. "Patras," Benezia exhaled the word softly, rocking back on her heels and staring ahead.
The hope in Benezia's eyes silenced the rest of what Shiala had meant to say.
Sha'ira turned off the vid screen in her suite. She'd finished checking in with the acolytes not attending her. Her gaze lingered on the four in the room who were now gathering the clothes that needed cleaning, setting the room in order and glancing at her sideways, probably because she hadn't mentioned the justicars during her calls. Since she'd snapped at Nelyana, the others had stopped asking when she'd be returning and most questions. Undoubtedly they all knew some version of what had happened Janiris. She could tell they were worried and confused, but she had no comfort to give them. After the long wait, her attempt to take matters into her own hands had gone disastrously, and the timing couldn't have been worse. Now her best friend, whom she would normally go to for advice, wouldn't even speak with her. Benny just gave her that look that said I see right through you, and she still did not come to Sha'ira's bed, despite everything riding on what they did now. She caught herself playing with her necklace, released it and centered herself.
Maybe her lack of contingency plans would buy her time?
No, that was not the way to think. The matriarchs never suffered fools. She contemplated calling Kandake, but what could she say? It would be recorded, undoubtedly. Even if K could talk sense into Benny, K had refused to intervene before. No, her attempt to meld with Benezia had revealed it wasn't merely a matter of choice, why Benezia withheld the hieros gamos. It was a matter of ability. If Benezia didn't know how to gain the ability back, to calm or control her inner turmoil enough, it was her place, and hers alone as Hetera, to help her. If Benny would let her.
Standing, Sha'ira fought a growing sense of frustration and desperation. Waving to her acolytes not to accompany her, she decided to see if Liara was up for a visit. She stepped into the hallway and found one of the justicars meditating right outside her suite. The justicar's body settled back to the ground and her eyes opened, glowing bright blue. Briefly, Sha'ira considered returning to her room. Instead, she nodded an acknowledgment and turned in the direction of Liara's suite. Making things better for Liara, if she could, would help them all. Intervening in the situation with the young aphrodisia was layman's work, provided Liara hadn't suffered any permanent damage, and even if she had, it would be a step forward to determine that and find ways to work around it.
The justicar followed her, not saying a word. Sha'ira's knees trembled, but she kept her pace even and steady, trying to remain as calm as Benny had. When she got to Liara's door, she had another second's pause. Leading a justicar here would definitely anger Benny, but here they were. Sha'ira frowned at the justicar, opened the door, stepped in and pulled the door shut quickly behind her. She leaned back against the door, her hand still on the knob. When the justicar made no move to open it, Sha'ira released it and forced herself to take a few deep breaths. It was then she noticed someone speaking softly in the other room.
"… Leave me alone!" Liara's petulant tone and hiccups made it clear she'd been crying.
"I know you're hurting, Agapi, but life doesn't stop. You have to find a way to keep going. Get up. See what this new day brings." Benny's voice was soft and kind, but firm. Only centuries of familiarity allowed Sha'ira to distinguish the edge of annoyance in it. She wondered how long these two had been talking. "Deal with what's in front of you." She almost gave herself away with a snort. If only Benny would take her own advice!
"You don't understand!" Liara's voice rose. "You can't. You think everything can be fixed and has to be perfect. Well, I'm not perfect, I'll never be perfect! I'm not you!" Oh, if only Liara knew.
"Things didn't go the way you wanted, and you're hiding in bed." Really, Benezia should know better than to take this tack. "I don't want you to be perfect, Agapi, I want you to be stronger than this. I won't always be around to take care of you." The last sentence set a vise around Sha'ira's heart.
"You!" Liara hiccupped again, in her outrage. "You're never around! You've never taken care of me!" Sha'ira could hear movement on the bed. "Where were you Janiris? Getting drunk, like always?"
In the long pause, Sha'ira left the door as quietly as she could, cloaking herself and tiptoeing forward. She knew she should leave, that Benny would not likely ever forgive her for eavesdropping on this private moment if she was discovered, but Benny's refusal to tell Liara what she had done that night, out of concern for her, though understandable, had perplexed Sha'ira. It could have eliminated so much of the tension that had been worsening between them. She inched forward until she could see the room. Liara stood on one side of the bed, her hands clenched on either side of her, her chin tilted aggressively down, wisps of biotics snaking up her arms. That had to be her father's influence.
She saw Benezia, in a simple, elegant, yellow shift, slowly stand on the opposite side of the bed. "As soon as I'd heard you were missing, I did everything I could to find you. I was afraid that you'd been kidnapped or killed, that I'd never see you again, never see you grow up, go to Serrice University and follow your dreams wherever they take you from there." Benezia kept her voice measured, but it dropped into its lowest register, an indication of the fullness of the feelings she expressed. Sha'ira wondered if Liara could tell, had any idea at all, how true the words were. "I thought I had lost you, and I love you so much…" Sha'ira watched with interest as Benezia fought to maintain her control, almost rooting for her not to, so that Liara would see she was not immune to fear or grief either.
"Yeah?!" Liara faltered, her biotics fading. "Well. It's not like it made a difference. My life's ruined anyway." Her shoulders slumped. "I might as well have died."
"Liara T'Soni!" Benezia took an angry step toward her daughter, then pulled up short abruptly. "I don't ever want to hear those words out of your mouth again!"
The two regarded each other without speaking for a few moments. Then Benezia tried again, stepping forward to close the distance between them. "It's only you, Agapi, who wants people to be perfect when they love you, and who thinks when they aren't that they don't love you. It's only you who thinks life has to be perfect or there's no point to it. Now that you're seeing that neither life nor you are, you need to decide if that view is worth keeping. You have to decide what purpose that view serves, and if that's the purpose you want to pursue."
The silence stretched out again. Liara looked away first. Benezia rested a hand on her daughter's shoulder. "Why don't you call Thala?"
Liara made no move toward or away from Benny. "It's too late."
"How so?" Benezia's steady gaze on her daughter was so full of love Sha'ira's heart ached to see that Liara wasn't noticing it, and she surprised herself with a pang of jealousy. It seemed forever since Benny had looked at her with anything like that adoration.
"They left last night." Liara stared at the floor. "For the islands, for the summer. Her omni message says so. She didn't even … she didn't even call first."
Benezia wrapped her arm around her daughter's shoulders and squeezed her against her.
"She's blocked my calls, anyway." Liara still made no move to embrace her mother.
Benezia closed her eyes briefly, and reopened them. "I see. Well, if that's not currently an option, and your travel plans have changed, we'd talked about going on a trip." Benezia released Liara, who rubbed her eyes with her hands.
"You're always too busy." Liara's tone stayed flat.
"The two of us are going to celebrate your graduation. It's decided. I'll make the arrangements."
Sha'ira felt her heart lift, and she started to back toward the door to leave. Benezia must feel fairly confident about how things would go if she was telling Liara that.
"Just the two of us?" Liara sounded more interested.
"Like on Palaven."
"Are we going to Palaven?!"
"Someplace different."
"Where? Will it have Prothean ruins?"
"Maybe. I'll tell you after you wash up."
Sha'ira reached the door, uncloaked and opened it as quietly as she could. Doing her best to ignore the justicar who again followed her, Sha'ira tented her fingertips, and began to make her plans.
When they came for Lady Benezia, it was very early. She was ready, however, meditating with her douli in the main room, according to her custom. She merely nodded, handed Eidothea her vani, and walked from the room. Shiala followed. From the walkway outside the front door, she watched them escort her, poised and calm, to the waiting skycar, and remained until the Hetera had been deposited, bleary-eyed, into another car, and all of them had lifted off.
She watched through the obscuring sand-clogged winds until the cars had vanished from sight. When she went in at last, Chara was standing just inside the doorway. Shiala closed the door behind her, shook the dust from her clothes and head, and would have walked past Chara without saying a word, if Chara hadn't reached out and rested her hand on Shiala's arm. Shiala's muscles tensed beneath the touch. "She'll be fine, Chara. Like she told us, she's prepared for this."
Still Chara didn't move her hand.
With a frown, Shiala stared at her.
"She's not the one I'm worried about." Chara's voice was low.
Shiala blinked. "What, did Liara …?"
"No," Chara cut her off. "Mela, why don't you stay with me and Thea tonight?"
With a shake of her head and compressed lips, Shiala pulled away and stalked through the house to the back. Really, that was ridiculous. Such an overreaction. It wasn't her who …. She was …. Her eyes were burning as she stepped out into the early morning air again. It was all …. It's not like …. It must be the sand. She should get a mask. She'd forgotten a mask.
The door opened behind her, and with frustration she saw Chara had followed her. "I don't know why you're…" Shiala put her hand to her throat in surprise when her voice broke.
Chara wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close though there was really no reason to at all. "It's going to be alright." No reason at all to be suddenly crying and clutching at Chara's shoulders like she was drowning.
Liara tentatively made her way downstairs, nervous to face anyone, and especially not wanting to encounter any justicars, if they were still around. The house was very quiet. The douli were doing their regular things, coming and going, straightening up, carrying food here and there, sweeping and scrubbing floors, washing the inside of the windows. Liara frowned when she got to the kitchen. There were plates of food everywhere, and several douli in the kitchen. Everyone said good morning to her, and offered her things. She was a little bewildered by the time she sat at the table with a plateful. She had little interest in food, but they were watching, so she made a good effort at eating. As soon as she stood up, her plate was whisked away. Bemused, she went to find her Mitera. She wanted to see if she could invite Rastia to go on the trip with them.
The second floor seemed almost deserted by comparison with the bustle downstairs. The door to Filia' Ra's suite closed as she approached. She hoped that meant her Mitera would be alone. The door to her Mitera's suite was also closed. When nobody came when she knocked, she opened the door. She stepped into the antechamber and opened the door to the bedroom. The bed was made and the room all in order. Liara closed her eyes, inhaled the familiar scent of it and felt herself relaxing. Returning to the antechamber, she noted her Mitera's study door was closed. She knocked on it, calling out before slowly opening the door. Everything was put away and neat. A silver and gray vani, one of her Mitera's favorites, had been folded in a square and placed on the back of her reading chair. Liara frowned. Was her Mitera still swimming during the sandstorms? Shiala would know. Of course, if she found Shiala, chances were she'd find her Mitera nearby.
Peering into the main room, the libraries, the meeting rooms, Liara made her way slowly back downstairs. This time, she figured out what was so odd about things. Everyone was doing what they usually did, but with hardly any sound. She grabbed one of the sand masks kept by the door, and headed out onto the estate's grounds, the whistling of the winds relieving the odd quiet.
The sand had her eyes burning by the time she reached the training compound. The cover had been drawn taut over the pool, and sand swirled around it when the breezes blew. The chaises had been placed on their sides and the sunbrellas had been tied shut and stacked to one side. No one was in sight. A sharper gust caught at her as she stood in front of the row of mirrored sliding glass doors on the lower level of the guardhouse, palmed a door and pushed it open. Inside someone was switching the big vid screen from news to sports while a couple of commandos sparred, and another jabbed at a hanging bag with her wrapped fists.
Not seeing Shiala, Liara slunk past. She knew she was supposed to represent T'Sonis and show confidence in public, or even walking amongst these commandos, some of whose faces she recognized from various times they had escorted her to school or other places. So many of them together at once, in their own living quarters, however, left her feeling overwhelmed and out of place. She just wanted to find Shiala.
Down the long corridor, there were three doors, one on the left, one on the right and one at the end. She peeked in the door to the left, and saw rows of bunks. Some of the occupants played games and smoked. They all noticed her, but nobody said anything. She crossed the hallway and looked in the doorway to the right, where one guard noisily played the daouli while another strummed an xpa and the rest shouted to hear each other over the din. The sound died out when they noticed her.
"What are you doing here?" one asked gruffly, standing up.
"I'm …" Liara cleared her throat. "I'm looking for Shiala."
A commando swung down from a top bunk. "She's in the back. I'll take you to her."
"No, thank you, I can find her myself." Liara hurried back out into the hallway and made for the last door, the one at the end. Behind it, she found an indoor pool that ran the length of the room. The only lights were those in the pool, which allowed Liara to see a solitary figure swimming laps, pushing off from each side and powering through without coming up for air. She must have been noticed, however, because after two such laps, the figure surfaced, and Shiala pulled herself out from the pool in one smooth motion.
Liara watched as the doulous rose, padded over to take a towel down from the rack on the wall and wrap it over her shoulders. A tattoo on her back rippled when she lifted her arm for the towel. Shiala turned and padded toward her, flushed from her exercise, and Liara noticed for the first time the … her … that she was … and …. She swallowed involuntarily.
Shiala wiped the water out of her eyes with one hand and regarded her steadily. "You here to train?"
Liara nodded helplessly. She couldn't remember why she'd been looking for Shiala, now that she was looking at Shiala.
The corners of Shiala's mouth compressed and the doulous gave a curt nod. "Good, I'm glad you're taking some initiative. Suit up, and I'll meet you upstairs in 5."
Why was Shiala staring at her?! Oh Goddess, could she tell what she'd been thinking?! She lowered her eyes, praying Shiala couldn't tell, flushed even more and tore her gaze away to look at the pool.
"You want to swim first?" Shiala seemed impatient, but her words were not. "Go ahead. The others won't mind."
Liara watched Shiala pad over to the far corner, where showerheads jutted out of the wall and the floor dipped down to a drain. This was Shiala! Liara shook her head. What was wrong with her! Shiala was like … 400! Just because Thala … had left … her…. Liara's face crumpled.
"Whoa, steady there." Tears had blinded Liara, but she could feel Shiala's hands on her shoulder and waist. Liara sunk down, wracked with sobs. She covered her face with her hands. Thala was really gone. Completely and utterly gone, without even another chance to talk to her, without saying another word, as if all the time they'd been together didn't matter at all.
"Hey now." Shiala's hands touched her cheeks. Her fingers were calloused and her thumbs rough. "I want you to look at me, Liara."
With a loud sniff, Liara swallowed a sob and opened her eyes. Tears ran down her cheeks and onto Shiala's hands.
"I know it's been tough, but it's going to get better." Shiala was looking at her very intently. "Whenever it gets like this, I want you to do this: I want you to stop and ask yourself, 'What do I need to do to be okay?' Can you do that?"
Liara nodded.
"Okay, let me hear you." Shiala regarded her steadily.
"Um … what do I need?" Liara's voice wavered, and her eyes filled with tears again.
"Come on, almost there." Shiala's hands on her cheeks were warm.
"What do I need to be okay." Liara was rewarded by a rough swipe of Shiala's thumbs over her cheeks before the doulous stood, and offered her a hand up.
"That's it. Just keep asking yourself that." Shiala easily pulled her up. "Got it?"
Liara nodded.
"Good!" Shiala slapped her back approvingly and padded back to the shower she'd left running.
Liara wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. She really didn't want to swim, or to take her clothes off in front of … her. But it would look weird if she didn't now, since that was what was expected. Liara crossed her arms in front of her, held her breath for a few seconds and slowly drew her shirt over her head. Then she tugged her leggings off, dropped them on top of her tunic, went to the edge of the pool, and reached a toe out to feel the water temperature. Cold! Why would anyone want such cold water?!
"It's easier all at once." Shiala's voice seemed to come right behind her. Liara started, lost her balance, and tumbled into the pool. COLD! COLD! COLD! She surfaced gracelessly, sputtering, to see Shiala standing in the doorway, towel over her shoulders again. "Well, that's one way to do it. I'll be upstairs."
Crossing her arms over her torso again, Liara rubbed her legs together under water to try to warm herself. The pool was too deep to allow her to stand. She started to swim, kicking hard and swinging her arms vigorously in an effort to warm up, and staying on the surface until she got to the end. There she took a deep breath, pushed off and tried to make it to the other side without surfacing. She did and broke the surface gasping, pulled herself up onto the side, and then stood. The cold water had helped clear her head, and she remembered, she'd meant to ask Shiala about her Mitera.
Grabbing a towel from the rack on the wall, she wrapped it around her torso above her chest, so it'd cover as much of her as possible, picked up the untidy heap of her clothes, and peered out into the hallway. It looked clear. Mustering her dignity, she walked to the front room, ignoring the glances directed her way as her wet feet slapped the cement floor, and took a training suit from one of the front hooks. Why had she said she was going to do this?
"Hey, who's leaving the trail of …" Liara's cheeks burned, but she kept walking, head held high, to the stairs, and started to climb them.
"Oh, this now, I've got to see." She heard someone say.
"You think she's as good as …?"
"Shhh!"
Upstairs, she saw Shiala stretching, back to her. "Um, Shiala, is there a place I can change?"
Shiala didn't turn around. "You're standing in it."
Glancing nervously at the stairwell behind her, Liara promptly dropped the pile of clothes and towel and tried to slide a wet leg into the suit. It stuck. People had started to fill up the space behind her before she got to the other leg.
"It's easier if you dry yourself first," someone volunteered helpfully.
Liara thought she would turn purple permanently. The comment got Shiala's attention, though, and the doulous turned around, strode over to stand beside her, placed her hands on her hips and stared at the crowd. "This isn't a show. Clear out."
"We want to see what she can do," someone protested.
Liara saw Shiala glance at her. "Not today."
As the crowd started to file back down the stairs, Shiala grabbed Liara's towel from the pile on the floor, and roughly dried her off. Liara shut her eyes tight.
"It's okay. They're gone." Shiala's voice was a little less gruff.
"Thank you." Liara, not daring to meet Shiala's gaze, knelt and pulled on the second leg and half of the suit and zipped up. She rose and stood there, cheeks burning, under Shiala's measuring look.
"How hard a workout do you want?"
"Not very," Liara said immediately, grateful to be asked.
Shiala shook her head. With a wave of an arm she lifted one of the heavy weights across the room and tossed it at Liara. "Wrong answer."
Liara deflected it clumsily.
"Control, it's all about control." Shiala threw a few more at her, took her through some additional exercises, then switched her to directing biotic chops at a large practice interface composed of mobile rings of rods of various weights and lengths that rotated around the center pole at different speeds depending on the amount of energy directed against any part. Liara took quite a few blows from it before she started to understand how to hit it, and started to do so more precisely.
When Liara dripped with sweat and panted heavily, Shiala switched to hand-to-hand, demonstrating and correcting stances. Fatigued, Liara automatically did whatever she was told. "Good, that's right. Like that. Try it with … yes. You're getting it. Very good, that's it."
Shiala stood behind her, hands on her waist and showed her how to shift her weight, and Liara could feel her breath, her body heat. Standing opposite her again, Shiala rained a number of blows that Liara missed deflecting. She staggered back in pain, catching the next couple partially so that they were glancing blows, but they hurt almost as much. Liara clutched her arm after the last blow left a deep ache there. It was the first time Shiala had not pulled her punches completely.
"You've had enough for today." Shiala lowered her arms and stepped back. "Good session."
Feeling a wave of fury, Liara launched herself at Shiala without a sound. Knocking her over was surprisingly easy, but the commando rolled, got her feet in Liara's stomach and kicked her away.
Liara landed on her back half off the mat and stayed down, gasping for air.
Shiala stalked over. "What was that? I'd said we'd finished." She glared down at Liara.
"You hurt me!" Liara panted at her. "I don't think my Mitera gave you permission for that!"
"Your Mitera isn't here to protect you, is she?! You need to learn how to take care of yourself and stop putting it on her!" Squatting down beside her, Shiala gave her that measuring look once more, but spoke more softly. "Try something like that again, and I likely will hurt you. You need to learn your limits, Liara."
Liara's eyes shone with defiance. Clutching her bruised ribs, she propped herself up on her other hand, grimacing. "You need to learn yours - doulous!"
Shiala's mouth snapped shut, her nostrils flared and her eyes shone. A muscle in her jaw tightened. "Pain is the only way some people learn. Is that the group you want to belong to?"
"Where. Is. My. Mitera." Liara spit each word out between gritted teeth. Shiala's words had heaped insult on injury. How dare she speak to her like that?!
"Somewhere neither of us can help her." Standing, Shiala bowed her head and looked away.
"Somewhere … help her!? What do you mean? Why does she need help?" Starting to feel sick, Liara struggled to her knees. Shiala turned away and closed her eyes. "Shiala! I order you to tell me!"
Shiala gave a half laugh. "You are not the one I swore my oaths to, tiknon."
"I am not a tiknon!" Liara staggered to her feet.
"You are," Shiala snapped at her, turning back toward her, eyes blazing. "You rarely think of anyone but yourself, even now!"
Keeping an arm across her aching abdomen, Liara stood quietly for a moment, absorbing the new blow. When she spoke again, it was with a different tone. "Please tell me."
This time when Shiala sized her up, her expression softened. "She's been taken to a Synhedria to be tried on charges of treason…"
"What?!"
"… for the things she did to try to find, help and save you." Shiala compressed her lips, regarding her steadily.
"..but she didn't do anything, she didn't find me! You did! At least," Liara frowned, "I think you did. Wait, you mean the hieros gamos? She said that was because of …." She rocked back on her heels, some of her Mitera's odd behavior starting to make terrible sense. "The justicars! They were here for her?!"
"Keep your voice down." Shiala picked up Liara's discarded towel and started to wipe down the machine with the rotating arms. "Broadcasting your ignorance gains you nothing."
"What will they do to her?" Liara limped over to Shiala. "If they find her guilty, what will they do?"
Shiala didn't stop what she was doing.
"It's not possible." Liara shook her head. "She's the Potnia. Justicars can't, they wouldn't." The room spun. She closed her eyes. "I think I'm going to be sick."
"No, you're not." Shiala stated matter of factly. "You're going to pick up your things and take them back to the house."
Liara stared at her, then went and did as she was told, avoiding looking at Shiala again. She started down the stairs.
"Any time you want to train, come find me."
She glanced over at the doulous. Shiala wasn't looking at her, but was still wiping off the arms of the exercise equipment.