The Pinky and the Peins

Author's Note

Warning! This is the most shameless crack I have ever written.

Very OOC Peins

Sakura had been out training with Konan to bring her up to par. She had been captured by the Akatsuki for her medical prowess and had been with them for several months.

Kick, kick, punch, vanish.

Even though she hated it, she found friends among them against her will, Konan and Leader, Kisame and Deidara and Tobi. Itachi she despised, Zetsu she seldom saw, Kakuzu intimidated her and Hidan drove her up the wall as often as she drove him into it.

As the teammate of Naruto, she would never be taught the sealing jutsu. Akatsuki had more than enough members to fill that role and she was still too new to be going out on missions. So she trained, she trained like she hadn't trained since becoming the Hokage's apprentice.

Sakura used a Substitution Jutsu, but Konan, who was particularly clever somehow managed to stop it.

She swore silently as the blue haired woman eyed her with that same cold dispassion that sent chills up her spine. Konan may have seemed gentle, but she was not a kunoichi to be trifled with. Sakura had learned that lesson the hard way.

The earth began shaking violently and Konan swore as she saw the ground and the foundations of the Akatsuki base began crumbling away. Sakura had probably planned this from the beginning, an advantageous move since more than half of the organization was in there and two were recuperating from extensive injuries.

Her eyes widened with shock as the building collapsed amidst shocked yells and screams and Konan found herself being plunged into a gaping hole in the earth while rocks came swooping down to crush her body.

"Sakura-san, I'd like to see you in my office please."

Konan was instantly snapped out of the genjutsu by a surge of Nagato's chakra. She blinked dazedly, the sun was shining, birds were singing and the building and everyone in it was perfectly fine. Most people, herself included, forgot that Sakura was a genjutsu master in her own right, or soon would be if she kept it up, they were so used to seeing her medical prowess and her insane strength that many of them didn't see it coming. Itachi himself had once made a remark about her particular abilities after she'd caught Kisame and Deidara both in a fine-tuned illusion and it took a lot to impress the ailing Uchiha.

Sakura walked behind Pein as they headed towards their office. Was she in trouble? Had they decided that it was too risky to keep her around? Had decided to get rid of her after all?Panic set in, but Sakura barely managed to keep it from showing, though she was so tense that her whole body hurt.

Leader, all six of them stood in the room each one consulting maps, or speaking in hushed tones.

"I think it's time you understood just what Akatsuki is trying to accomplish." He said, folding his hands and staring at her with those unnervingly beautiful eyes of his.

Snap out of it! She told herself. Ugh! What is it with me and doujutsu users? They're all psychopaths!"

Mentally shaking herself out of her stupor, she mimicked his pose and paid careful attention as he began talking. At least she managed to pay attention for the first few minutes.

It was hard not to do a double take when she thought she saw one of his incarnations blowing the other a kiss out of the corner of her eye. That couldn't be right anyways. She told herself. I mean look at this guy! He doesn't look like he even knows what a sense of humor even is. It's probably some secret signal that almost looked like he was blowing a kiss cause I wasn't paying attention or something.

The heavy Pein and the Pein with the spiked hat began talking as they were bent over a map, at first it sounded like a whole lot of unnecessary background noise, but then she began to hear snatches of conversation that she really wished she hadn't.

"Well after we conquer Hidden Leaf, we're gonna stop at the whorehouse right here." The heavyweight one said.

They were gonna do what? She thought, trying to focus harder on the Pein sitting across from her.

"Why? The spiked helmet guy was saying. "The food is lousy. I don't like it, let's go to this one here."

"Because the whores are prettier and cheaper than the one you want to go too." The large Pein said, waving his hand in exasperation. "Besides, we're not going there to eat."

"That's a funny thing coming from you." The Pein with the ponytail quipped.

"We aren't going to a whorehouse after we conquer Konoha." Said another Pein with piercings forming an upside down v. "It would upset Konan-chan."

I'm not hearing this! I am NOT hearing this. Focus! Focus on Leader, maybe I can find a way to warn Konoha before the attack.

"Tch. You just wanna go there to see Umeko-chan." The Pein with the long hair said.

When the long haired guy began shaking his ass and tossing his hair, Sakura could not help herself, she could only gape as the long haired Pein sashayed around the room.

"Oh Umeko-chan, your so pretty with your long purple hair and slinky body. Do me baby, do me right." He said in a high pitched whiny voice.

"Hey you know, you could always try getting it on with that pink haired chick."

The pony tailed Pein pointed out. "You think she'd have a kinky orgy with me and Konan-chan if I asked her?"

Oh no he didn't!

Suddenly realizing he'd lost his audience Pein turned around in annoyance to see just what had distracted their newest member. His face flamed with embarrassment and he snapped at them.

"Will you knock it off! I'm trying to do business with our newest member!"

Three of the five Peins looked mutinous.

"If you promise to behave, I'll drop you off at the whorehouse of your choice after the invasion."

They all looked satisfied with that.

Sakura stifled a shriek of laughter. They were all crazy! No way anyone back in Konoha would ever believe her if she told them. Heh! They'd probably toss her into the loony bin right along with them.