She opened her eyes and tried to shake the haze that was clouding her senses. She couldn't remember having slept this deep since... since she's stopped taking her medication.
She sat up, suddenly realizing all that had happened the day prior.
She looked around, the room way too calm, in stark contrast to the anxiety that was building up inside of her.
She threw her covers off and got out of the bed, unsteady on her feet by the sudden movements.
She opened her door and walked down the stairs to find her mother sleeping in the armchair in the living room.
She stirred lightly awoken by her steps.
"Hey" she said, her eyes sleepy, her face in a reassuring smile.
Rory stood there, all the questions flooding her brain, all racing for her mouth, yet she could vocalize none.
"How are you feeling, sweetie?" her mother asked her and she focused on her face in order to regain some clarity.
"Where is Tristan?" she asked and saw the way her mother's expression changed instantly. There was worry, hurt, disappointment... and something else she couldn't quite grasp. Could it have been guilt?
"I don't know" her mother answered solemnly.
"He didn't come here? He didn't call?" she asked, her mind racing frantically. She remembered everything about yesterday, saw Tristan make a scene in the hallway, him punching that kid, the teachers dragging him away, and some silent, indescribable fear was gripping her chest now. Had she not been so lost in her own thoughts and despairs, perhaps she could have seen her mother's face overclouded by her own.
But by the time she looked at Lorelai again, her face was calm and composed.
"No" she said and added an understanding smile.
"I have to go talk to him" Rory said grabbing the keys from their place on the shelves.
"Rory" she heard her mother "I can't let you just go like that" she dashed after her, but Rory was already on the front porch.
"Rory, stop, calm down, please" Lorelai grabbed her arm.
She spun around and looked her mother in the face.
"I have to talk to him, I have a horrible feeling" she mumbled.
"Rory, please, just calm down, you've been through a lot" her mother pleaded.
"It doesn't matter" she said.
"Yes it does, Rory, you need to think about yourself. You need to rest and feel better and we need to start all over again" her mother said, slowly raising her voice and she looked up seeing her emotions all crowding her face.
"Mom" she said quietly "I am sorry. About everything. About you having to go through all of this" she said.
"No" her mother shot "don't be sorry. Just be better. I want you to want to be better"
"I am sorry" she repeated, her words barely coming out.
"But I have to go see him" she added and tried to pull her arm out of her mother's hold.
"Let her go, Lor" she heard her father's voice, calm and quiet and it made both of them look up to see him standing in the doorway, his face in a serious expression as only those people's can be who have been hurt and lived through it.
Lorelai gasped and shook her head, her will seemingly not enough to fight anymore.
"Chris…" she pleaded.
"Give her the chance at least" her father replied and Rory glanced from his serious face to her mother's broken one knowing there were deeper things here between the three of them than she could understand.
She had no time to ponder that right now. She felt her mother's hold become looser around her arm and she slipped away from her walking towards the car in the driveway, her thoughts once again racing faster than she could.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
She got out of the car by the lake and walked towards the shore staring at the form down by the water. She watched with turmoil as he turned around.
"Dave, where is he?" she asked as she came to stop in front of the dark haired boy.
He looked at her, his expression solemn.
"Rory" he started, his arms stretched out in a comforting gesture as if trying to calm her.
She furrowed her brows confused, the anxiety in her stomach once again taking a hold of her.
"Where is he?" she yelled, losing her patience.
"He's gone" Dave said.
"What? What do you mean he's gone?" she asked bewildered.
"He left for military school early this morning" he said.
She took a step back, as if that sentence were a blow, making her head spin and her legs go weak.
"What? His father can't do that!" she shook her head.
"Rory, wait, it's not that simple" Dave took a step and tried to steady her with his arms but she shook herself loose and walked back towards her car determined.
"Rory, wait, hear me out" Dave called after her frustrated, but she already got in the car and started the engine.
Her mind kept racing. His father, his constant threats were always something that was in the background, something she could never forget, something that made her worry about every little mistake he made, because it could have been the last drop pushing his father over the edge. She figured that yesterday was just that. After all the skipping and bad grades, and detentions and fighting, his father was finally fed up.
She raced through the familiar streets to his house that stood silent as ever at the end of the long driveway.
She parked the car and got out walking up to the front door and ringing the bell frantically.
A mortified servant opened the door and she dashed past him, not bothering to introduce herself.
"I need to talk to him" she yelled coming to stand in the middle of the huge hallway "I need to talk to Charles DuGrey" she repeated herself, her voice determined, strained.
"Miss" she heard the incredulous voice of the servant "I hardly think this is the proper..."
"It's alright" came the voice of Charles DuGrey from the top of the stairs.
Rory looked up and saw him descending the stairs.
"What is it, Rory?" he said, his voice serious, his face troubled.
"You can't just send him away like that. Like he was some pet you can't deal with anymore. Something you got tired of. You can not do that!" she yelled, the intensity of her voice surprising even herself.
"You think I sent him away?" Charles asked raising an eyebrow.
"You've been threatening him with this for years and now you feel like you can't handle him anymore so you send him away. It's not right" she shot, the words pouring out of her mouth without control "He is a teenager and lost and learning and finding his way still, you are supposed to be there for him, you are supposed to support him not punish him every chance you get"
"Rory, I think you need to calm down before you say things that..." he spoke with restrain even though he was getting visibly upset.
"I don't need to calm down, you need to hear these things! You are a horrible father! You expect your children to be perfect, put so much pressure on them, but don't help them at all! You leave them behind and leave them lonely and hurt and lost and if they make the smallest mistake, you punish them"
"Rory" his voice was warning now, his face grave, but Rory felt too swept away by her own words.
"So now you send him away, because it's the easiest way for you to deal with this problem. By having him out of sight, he is not a problem anymore"
"He was the one who wanted to leave" her head snapped up towards the top of the stairs hearing Mandy speak the words.
She was silenced as she looked up at the blond girl, her eyes red probably from crying and her face pale.
She stared at her blinking. Her chest suddenly full of pain, her muscles not obeying her when she wanted to breathe.
The girl descended the stairs slowly.
"He came home last night and said he is leaving for military school, he said he wanted to finish high school there and wanted to get away from here"
Rory felt like the ground beneath her feet opened up ready to swallow her.
She looked up at the serious face of Tristan's father who sighed and turned around walking up the stairs past her daughter.
Mandy just stood there staring at Rory.
She couldn't say if it was an accusing stare or if she was just too lost herself.
"I don't understand" she mumbled.
"It's Tristan. No one is supposed to understand" came the bitter answer from Mandy.
"How could he just leave? Without a word?" Rory collapsed on the bottom of the stairs.
Mandy came to rest next to her, her fragile form small on the steps as she scooted down.
"It's the way he is. He doesn't care who he leaves behind, who he hurts. If he gets something in his head, he does it"
"But why? Was he scared? Or fed up? Or just sick and tired of me?" Rory cried.
"I don't know" Mandy whispered.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rory lay on her bed and contemplated the fact how unbearably harsh the silence of a room could seem combined with the bitter weight that seemed to push down on her chest.
It was hard to explain how she felt. Empty. Lost. Hurt. Confused.
She was surprised at her own body, how composed and calm she could act. She wondered if it was the drug's effects. Or whether you just get like that when you feel like nothing really makes any difference anymore.
She seemed to move without any effort, her body gliding on thin air, her every molecule in the least possible friction towards the world around her. In fact that's how she made it home that way. She just stood up, walked out and drove home.
She didn't break down or cry or even fully register anything in her brain. She went home and returned to her room, laying down on her bed, humming a soothing tune that seemed to protect her from that weird silence that seemed to envelope her as she moved.
The humming stopped. As if her voice had given up. She felt the choking, but it wasn't the kind when the act of crying takes a hold of your whole body. It was simple and unfightable, as if done by another person. As if she were sitting on her bed watching this happen to someone else.
There were no questions in her head, no scenarios playing out, no possible explanations flashing. It was as though she had accepted something so ungraspable, unexpected as a shot of lightning to the chest.
He was gone.
Just like that.
There was a weird sense of loss. The kind when you fear for your balance. Not emotional, but physical. As though you are afraid some strange sudden wisp of air could knock you off your feet, because something is missing, some invisible fastening has been cut loose that you didn't even acknowledge.
Then she felt the shaking too. Once again, as distant as the light sobs coming from her chest.
She closed her eyes, her senses taking over the part of that missing one. Her skin hot under her tears, her ears aware of the door opening and closing with a quiet creak.
"Baby" she heard her mother's voice, broken and worried and small and felt the bed shift under her as she joined her on top, pulling her into her arms like she remembered when she was small.
"He's gone" she whispered and clung to her mother, who held her tight, as tight as it was humanly possible.
"He just left, he left me here, he is just gone" she mumbled and her mother hushed her and rocked her, as if she really were just a small baby, helpless in her arms.