37. I'm here

Elliot was a little nervous again when he pulled up outside Olivia's building. He sat in his car for a minute after he'd turned the engine off and couldn't help shaking his head at himself. If he had ever wondered if old people could still feel like this, he had his answer now. He was 68 but he felt like he was back in highschool, getting ready to meet his crush. It was like he was getting more nervous each time instead of less, but maybe that was also because he knew there were still some things left that needed to be addressed to clear the air between them completely. As far as he could tell, things could still go either way with Olivia. She didn't really need him. She'd done just fine on her own. If he was going to be a significant part of her life again, it would be because she wanted him in it. And that remained to be seen.

He was eager to know how Sarah was doing, too, and what the progress on the case was. But most of all, he wanted to know how Olivia was handling this new role as the mother of the vic. He was feeling several things at once and blew out a breath slowly before finally exiting the car. He didn't have any control over the situation anyway, so he might as well just jump in again. He waited patiently for her to buzz him up and grinned when she answered with a simple 'Elliot?'.

"Yeah," he said with a smile, knowing she could see him on her intercom screen, and she unlocked the front door of the building for him immediately.

He forced himself to walk up slowly so he wouldn't be out of breath once he got to her floor and knocked modestly when he arrived at the door of the Benson residence. Olivia smiled hesitantly when she opened the door and stepped aside to let him in.

"Sarah is in her room. Her best friend is staying over tonight," she told him as he passed her.

He'd chosen something a little more casual to wear and was pleased to see that Olivia was in jeans and a loose-fitting black t-shirt. He was wearing jeans as well, and a grey fitted long-sleeved shirt underneath his black leather jacket. He shrugged his jacket off and looked around.

"Just toss it somewhere," Olivia said, and he thought her voice was a little strained. "You want some coffee?"

"Sure."

Elliot deposited his jacket on the backrest of a single armchair and followed Olivia to the kitchen. He watched her busy herself with making them both a fresh cup of coffee and wondered if she could be a little nervous too. Only one way to find out.

"So, how are you doing?" he asked her as he sat down on one of the stools.

"As well as can be expected I guess," Olivia replied neutrally without looking at him.

He realized she was fidgeting a bit and it actually helped him overcome his own nerves.

"How did dinner with the kids go?" he asked, and she finally looked at him then.

"It was good to be together. Sarah felt safe to be herself. She's up and down a lot but I don't think she's bottling anything up."

"That's good. And Noah?"

Olivia had switched the coffee maker on and rested her hands on the kitchen counter.

"Noah," she repeated quietly. "I'm worried about him. I'm afraid he may do something stupid."

"Thought so," Elliot mused, and Olivia turned to face him.

He shrugged and smiled when she tilted her head and looked at him inquisitively.

"Kid reminds me of me."

Olivia chuckled and finally seemed to relax a little.

"I can assure you he's been absolutely nothing like you until now," she told him.

"You make it sound like it would be such a bad thing," Elliot said, his eyes sparkling with amusement, and when Olivia realized he was pulling her leg, she couldn't help smiling as well.

Their coffee was ready and she put both mugs on the breakfast bar, walked around it and sat down next to him.

"Well, I have to admit I wouldn't want him to be the brooding hothead I used to work with."

He could see amusement in her eyes as well and felt his stomach flutter. How he had missed their playful banter!

"Well, that hothead has cooled down a bit over the years," he told her, picking up his coffee and reaching for the sugar.

"Really?" Olivia asked, and he could tell she was enjoying their conversation as well.

"Yeah. Really. Won't deny that injustice still gets to me, but I think I've overcome a few demons from my past at last, so I don't spin out of control anymore."

When he put down the sugar, Olivia reached for it as well, and her fingers brushed against his as she picked it up. He couldn't help noticing that her breath hitched ever so slightly and he wished he could touch her again. He had missed her so much and he wanted that familiarity back that they had shared for so long. But he had to admit it wasn't the only thing he wanted, and her reaction to his touch was small but telling. It was still there. This 'thing' between them was still there ... He had to think fast so they could stay in this relaxed mood together for a while longer.

…

Olivia couldn't believe how easily she and Elliot were slipping into a relaxed conversation again. If she forgot about the circumstances that had led to his evening visit, it was almost like old times again. She was mildly surprised that they both took their coffee black with sugar these days and the brief contact when she picked up the sugar had affected her more than she wanted to admit. She'd actually been a little nervous while she had waited for Elliot to come upstairs and it had reminded her of that time at the hospital, when she had joined Elliot in the hallway after making sure Rebecca Clifford would be okay. Well, as far as any kid could be okay after her stepfather, mother, brother and sister had been murdered.

But Olivia remembered how she'd felt when she had sat down next to him. They had said things to each other during that case. Important things. And she had thought that maybe, just maybe, they would finally address this 'thing' that had been hanging between them for so long. And then he'd shut it all down. Shut them down. He had basically told her that their feelings for each other had gotten in the way of their job and that it shouldn't happen again. So in one instance, he'd both acknowledged what had developed between them, and had declared it an unwanted development. It had crushed her and the only way she had been able to cope with it, had been to distance herself from him.

But now, things were different. And she felt that same flutter again that she'd felt back then. This time, there was no wife, family or partnership to keep them apart. And while it had hurt her deeply that he had walked out of her life without another word a few years later, she couldn't deny the feelings that were resurfacing now that he was back. She remembered telling Noah about regretting the things she didn't do more than the things she did do. Maybe she shouldn't look back at all the pain Elliot had caused her, and look at what he could mean to her now instead. They had both made mistakes in the past and maybe it was their time now. She knew Elliot well enough to know he was sincere and his concern for her and her children was genuine. She just didn't quite know what to do next and was hoping Elliot would know. She was relieved when he simply kept the conversation going.

"So where is Noah off to. Did he tell you?" Elliot asked.

Olivia took a sip of her coffee and shook her head.

"No. I had hoped he'd go home with Catherine again."

"They weren't at my place when I left earlier," Elliot said, and they wondered where the kids could have gone.

"You think he's going to go after Dave?" Elliot asked.

"I don't know. He's out on bail."

"Have you tried calling him?"

She shook her head again.

"I don't want to be the kind of mom that keeps checking up on her kids. I trust him."

"But you're worried anyway."

Olivia smiled wryly. Elliot was right. She trusted Noah up to a point, but she'd seen a side of him the night before that didn't come out very often. She wasn't sure right now what her son was capable of.

They finished their coffee and then Elliot looked at her attentively.

"Have you been outside at all today?" he asked her.

She had to admit she hadn't and when Elliot suggested taking a walk, she really liked the idea.

"Jen is with Sarah so they should be okay," Elliot said, anticipating her concern for her daughter.

"I should tell her though, that we're stepping out for a bit."

"Of course."

…

Elliot hadn't expected Olivia to concede so quickly but he guessed she really needed a change of scenery after being cooped up with an upset child all day. Taking long walks, either running or simply strolling down the street, had proven therapeutic for him over the years. He also expected that it would be easier for both of them to talk. He wasn't sure how far they'd get in addressing the things that needed addressing, but he was going to try to be honest with her. He hadn't just come to see how she and Sarah were doing after the assault, but also to build on his friendship with Olivia - hopefully.

When Olivia came back after letting the girls know they were going out for a walk, he grabbed his leather jacket and watched her while she grabbed a black jacket as well. He grinned when she looked at him as she put it on, and then she realized why he was smiling. They were dressed almost identically, down to the black shoes.

"We look like a Siamese twin that was separated at birth," he joked and he was glad that she laughed out loud at his comment.

"Wouldn't that be a hoot, if you turned out to be my long lost brother."

Their eyes locked and they both froze for an instant. He knew they were thinking the exact same thing and his heart leapt up at that thought. Being siblings would rule out anything else besides friendship between them and his stomach fluttered again when he saw Olivia's eyes soften before she looked away. His heart was still beating faster than usual when they left the apartment together and walked to the elevator.

"I prefer the elevator down," Olivia explained before he could ask her about it. "Easier on the knees."

He understood. They weren't the young cops they used to be anymore. Olivia still looked incredible but her body was feeling the weight of her age too, naturally.

"Do you still work out or run or anything?" he asked her while they waited for the elevator.

"I jog," she answered, flashing a smile. "Can't call it running anymore these days."

Elliot chuckled.

"I can relate."

Olivia looked at him up and down and then looked away, but he'd seen the appreciation in her eyes.

"Really?" she just said dryly and he grinned.

They were silent on the ride down and he took a deep breath once they were out in the evening air. They chose a direction randomly, it didn't really matter where they went. After a few minutes, she asked him,

"Are you okay with Noah and Catherine dating?"

Elliot bit his lower lip, wondering what was behind her question.

"I can see he's a good kid," he said. "Takes after his mom so I guess he's got that going for him."

Olivia stuffed her hands in her jacket pockets and smiled while looking straight ahead.

"They're getting serious, you know," she continued.

Elliot took a deep breath and breathed out slowly, and then told her,

"I know."

"You can tell, can't you?"

"Yeah."

They were silent again for a while after that and Elliot couldn't help thinking that his granddaughter and Olivia's son were doing a lot better than he and Olivia ever had. They were seizing the opportunity that they were given. They were doing what he should have done. He just hoped it wasn't too late to get back some of what they had lost.

…

"You think Sarah will be able to go back to school in a few days?" Elliot asked her as they walked, and Olivia wiggled her head.

"She wants to. She wants things to return to normal as quickly as possible and get the confrontation with all the gossip over with as well."

"She's a pretty popular girl, isn't she?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah, she is."

Olivia was proud of her daughter, who had the capacity to be her radiant self wherever she went. She attracted people that way, who looked up to her for always being so real.

"But popular girls have enemies too," she said. "Girls can be horribly mean to each other when they're jealous of what someone else has. Usually, she can just shake it off, but she's a little more vulnerable right now than she used to be."

"Do they still have support groups on campus for survivors?"

Olivia appreciated how cautiously Elliot had asked the question. They had seen many initiatives pop up at Hudson University, but they didn't always last long. Campus police had been reformed over the years and didn't hinder the NYPD anymore when they were called in. Still ,they suspected that a lot of cases were still buried at the school, and Sarah's would definitely have qualified, since 'nothing had actually happened' as they'd call it. Survivors of assault could get counseling but often found each other for comfort and support instead.

"I'm not sure if there is an active cell currently," Olivia admitted. "I haven't needed to know for a while now."

"I'm sorry," Elliot said, and she looked at him, struck by the sadness in his voice.

He seemed to be really hurting because of her daughter. Or was it because Sarah was her daughter? He gave her a small smile and she felt the urge to loop her arm through his. His presence was so supportive and she found herself reveling in it. For once, she didn't feel like she had to fight her battles alone.

"I'm here Liv," she heard Elliot say and she knew he meant it. "I know you're strong and you can do it all by yourself. I know you don't need anyone's help. I just hope you know that you don't have to do it all alone. I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere."

He had struggled to get the words out. He didn't want to make her feel like he thought she couldn't handle things, but he did want her to know he was ready to support her in any way she might need. He watched her nervously for a reaction and was surprised to see a sheen of tears in her eyes. She tried to blink it away quickly but he'd seen it already, even though it was getting really dark by now. It had been a clear Spring day and part of the sky was still lit up with red and purple shades, but the sun had set over an hour ago and it wouldn't be long now before it would be completely dark.

Elliot wanted to reach out to Olivia but hesitated. They had walked for a while and they had arrived on Riverside Drive along Riverside Park. When they looked for the nearest passage to get into the park, he put a hand on her back tentatively to guide her there. Olivia didn't comment when his hand lingered on her waist as they walked in the direction of the Hudson. They were silent until they reached the river and when Olivia leaned her arms on the railing to look out over the water, he felt like he had no choice but to retract his hand.

Olivia missed the contact instantly and wished she could somehow shut off the throbbing inside her heart. The part of her heart that had been silent for so long, but was now calling out to her louder and louder. How could she still have these feelings after all these years? After he'd abandoned her?

But he came back, her heart objected. He was never going to stay away forever.

He didn't even bother to talk to me, she argued with herself.

He thought you had a family.

So?

Maybe it was just too painful for him.

Oh, come on. She was making excuses for the man now? She scoffed and shook her head.

"What is it Liv?" Elliot asked her and she realized her internal discussion wasn't entirely internal anymore.

"Nothing," she said quickly but now it was Elliot's turn to scoff.

"Right. You're fine. Should have known."

His dismissive tone pushed a button for her and she whipped around to look at him with fire in her eyes.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

She saw an all too familiar flash of anger in his blue eyes, but then it faded and was replaced by something else. What was that? Wat it amusement? Or … tenderness?

Elliot swallowed hard before responding. The way Olivia was looking at him was so much like she'd been when they were younger, that he had to catch himself before he would say something stupid and ruin the moment. He had to admit that seeing her all fired up like this was making him fall for her all over again.
He smiled then, shaking his head and looking down at their feet. When he looked up, he saw that Olivia had raised an eyebrow and was still staring at him, almost as if she was daring him to say the wrong thing. He guessed that his next words would determine whether she was going to clam up on him completely or not. He took a chance and told her the one thing he could.

The truth.

"I've missed you so much."

…

To be continued. Soon. Promise.