Chapter 37: Puzzles, Poetry and the Full Moon
James shut the wooden door behind them and Lily went straight to the window, looking out over the forest. The waxing moon shed enough light that Lily could see nearly perfectly out onto the grounds, but not even the sun could penetrate the depths of the Dark Forest so how could the moon be expected to?
Still, she couldn't keep her eyes off the tops of those trees and the edge of the woods, couldn't stop hoping that they would both come out together. She heard James's footsteps approach and stop behind her as he looked over her shoulder out the window too. 'If he were Sirius, he would wrap his arms around me, and I would be enveloped in that warmth,' she thought. But James wasn't Sirius, nor did she wish him to be.
She didn't realise how freezing it was in the room until she saw James's breath out of the corner of her eye, puffing out like a mist in regular intervals. Now that she was paying attention she could hear his teeth chattering as well. Silently she charmed him warmth using thermilicorpus. His breath was of course still visible but she knew that at least he wasn't feeling the cold now. Lily didn't feel cold, she felt numb.
"Did you do that?" James asked.
"Yes."
"I thought you needed to be able to see to do it."
"I knew well enough where you were," she replied. It was true, she did need eye contact in order to perform magic, whether she had a wand or not. It was one of the fundamentals of spell casting. Summoning charms where the exception to the rule, but they only worked unless one knew that the object you wished to summon existed, and had a relatively good idea where it was located. Lily could only assume that this was the case for her. She knew. She could feel exactly where he was, visible or invisible because he anchored all her other senses.
"Thank you. Aren't you...?" he started to ask but she shook her head.
"But you're shivering."
She wasn't shivering she was shaking, and it wasn't from the cold, nor was it from being so close to James. It was because no matter how long she kept looking out the window, the two beloved figures didn't reappear. It wasn't that she felt they were in danger, she did but that wasn't what was principally bothering her. Hagrid had been upset, and Mercury frightened when they both flew into the forest, and Lily couldn't do anything to comfort either of them. They were suffering all on their own and no one should have to do that.
She wasn't alone, she suddenly remembered. Strange, she knew James was there beside her and yet it didn't feel like anyone else was there. Perhaps it was because she had grown so accustomed to having James around she felt as if she still had privacy even when he was around.
x
James shut the window and drew the curtain over it so as to stop Lily from staring out of it the whole evening. Lily finally turned around.
"Why not go to bed?" he asked.
"I can't sleep with both of them out there." James knew that was true enough. How many times had he heard his mother complain when he came in late during the summer holidays, that she couldn't sleep because she stayed up worrying.
"Hagrid is used to the forest, and it's where Mercury belongs. They will be fine..." he tried to reassure her. "Besides, there is nothing you can do for them now." He hated telling her that, but it was true.
x
Lily's stomach twisted painfully. There wasn't anything she could do for the two she loved. That was the worst kind of helplessness one can ever experience. Knowing someone is suffering and not being able to do anything to help them. Much worse than suffering yourself.
"Shower," she said quickly, and disappeared into the bathroom. She turned on the water full force to drown out the sound of her being sick in the toilet.
Her stomach felt settled once it was emptied and she got into the shower. She stayed there for a long time thinking everything through to no effect. 'You can't plough a field by turning the soil over in your mind.' Thinking about things did no good, only actions. But there were no actions she could take, and thinking about them was unavoidable. The hot water practically burning her skin and when she stepped out steam was rose from her body. She dried off and dressed in the pyjamas that she had discarded there that morning but stayed in the bathroom, surrounded by the steamy warmth. She didn't want to leave because she knew it would be freezing in her bedroom.
But she couldn't very well stay in the bathroom all night either...
As she expected, the cold air stung when it came into contact with her skin and she made a dash for her bed, diving under the covers.
"Ooph," James groaned half asleep.
"Sorry," she whispered. She hadn't expected him to be there, if she had she would have been more careful, she didn't want to reopen any of those wounds. "Did I hurt anything?"
"Hmm mm." Had that been a yes, or no? Such an ambiguous sound when mumbled sleepily. 'Well,' she reasoned, 'if he's nearly asleep he couldn't be in that much pain.' She wiggled around until she found a comfortable position and tried to sleep. She had never counted sheep before, but she imagined that if it worked as well as counting James Potter's breaths it couldn't be that ineffective.
James was gone when she awoke to the sound of her alarm clock at 8 o'clock. She stared at it for a moment. It should have gone off 2 hours earlier for dawn. Had James changed it?
She skipped breakfast and went to Hagrid's to see if he was there. When he didn't answer the door her heart sank. She could only hope he had returned home in the night and was now already awake and starting the day's work. She waited until the last possible moment before she left for Potions. Slughorn didn't seem as warm to her today, but she thought that was only to be expected when she had skipped several of his classes. Without Lily that made five students missing from the original roster. Lily and four Slytherins...
x
James dreamt that Dumbledore had been telling him to get out of bed, they had things to discuss. The headmaster was drawing back the curtains when James woke up. For a wild moment, James thought that his dream had been real, and quickly withdrew his arm from Lily's side of the bed, trying to think of how to explain everything.
His breathing slowly returned to normal when he realised that Dumbledore was, in fact, not there and James eyed his left arm with suspicion. Sneaky little thing, it had taken advantage of both he and Lily being asleep to do whatever it wanted.
He squinted at the clock, but without his glasses he couldn't see the time. Putting them on hadn't helped much, it was still too dark, so he carefully reached over Lily and lifted it off the stand. 5:40, it read. He needed to make it back o the Hospital Wing before Madame Pomfrey awoke, so after making a tiny adjustment to the clock he eased out of bed taking one of the pillows with him.
It was an hour and a half later when Madame Pomfrey rose to check on him. Being the only patient she had to worry about, she was more 'attentive' than she would have been had she more people to worry about. Wishing that someone would fall down the stairs and break something already, he silently put up with her. He hoped that boredom and lack of anyone else to attend to wouldn't make her want to keep him there. He had classes to teach.
"Poppy dear," he began in his most charming of voices. "You know how much I'd love to stay with you all day, but I can't stop thinking of those poor children who depend on me to mould their minds, prepare them to protect themselves. In short, whose well being I am ultimately responsible for. Of course you tend to the care of the body, the mind is something that equally deserves to be nourished."
"I was about to discharge you anyway, Potter. No need for florid speeches," she said handing a stack of fresh bandages to change into when he needed them.
James took them and rose from his bed giving her a roguish smile. "Don't deny it, Poppy, you enjoyed it as much as I did."
She made a consternated "och" sound and shooed him out of the wing. Chuckling to himself he skipped off (in a very manly way.)
First thing's first. He needed to get out of these ridiculous pyjamas which were concealed under his cloak, and change into proper robes quickly so he would have time for the second thing on the list, breakfast.
Lily wasn't in the Great Hall, but she might have already been or eaten in the kitchens. He would ambush her right before lunch when she was being let out of History of Magic. Her favourite class she says, he thought sardonically.
It was a pity their schedules seemed to clash. He had an off before lunch, and hers was after when he had 5th years.
That morning he had first years, the class that wound him up the most. They were all so small, so young, so innocent. They could hardly be prepared to learn about dark arts. Their eyes were so wide, their faces so responsive to anything and everything he said that every word he spoke he had to choose with the utmost care. It was alright for Lily to rant about not being treated like a child, but these were children. Far too young to face the true terrors of the world. He never knew what he should tell them and what he should leave out, so he drew mainly from the textbook to form his lectures, and didn't reference anything that was above third year level, i.e., the unforgivables. (Which was a sore spot at anytime for him...)
x
The monotony of History of Magic was broken when a tapping came from the window. Lily smiled as she saw Sirius's owl, a bird that resembled Ebony in many ways. She let him in and took the note.
Pet peeve of the day... When people say "literally" when using a figure of speech. Ex. "She was literally bawling her eyes out..." No she wasn't, her eyes are still in their sockets, you twit!
SB
Lily chuckled as she read the missive, and then tucked it into a page of her textbook. She'd reply later when she didn't have three curious girls leaning over their table to try to read everything she wrote.
She was leaving History of Magic when she felt a familiar SNAP on her rump and jumped in surprise. She wheeled around to see James. He strode past her casually, not evening looking at her, as if he were oblivious or indifferent to her presence entirely, the same way he was passing every other student in the corridor.
Alright, so she was to follow him. She did so (at a distance) up to his classroom. By the time she entered he was gone, so she went into his office. Still he wasn't there, so she muttered Godric's Pride and went into his room. Lily was baffled this time when she didn't see him. She had thought he came into this classroom. Might he have entered a
neighbouring one instead? But whatever for? Brows furrowed in confusion she was about to leave when she heard James's voice call out from the bathroom, the place Lily hadn't thought to check.
"Oi Evans!"
"What do you want, Potter?" she hollered back.
"Stick around, I'll need you to redo my bandages in a bit."
"You're telling me you mean to rob me of my lunch so that you can..." she was cut off at the appearance of James sticking his head through the crack in the door so she could see nothing but his face.
"Come on Evans, I haven't showered in over 24 hours and this is the only time I could grab you before people start dropping dead from the stench. Besides, you can go to the kitchens afterwards, seeing as you don't have class."
"You could go to Madame Pomfrey."
"Yes, and if I go down to the wing I'll end up stuck there for twice as long while she inspects, prods and does a variety of other unpleasant things. Just sit tight for five minutes. Please?"
"Oh alright," she said plopping down at the foot of the bed, crossing her arms and legs.
"That's my girl," he said, flashing a white toothy smile before the door shut again. Lily grinned and shook her head. She didn't mind, really. She just didn't want him to get in the habit of coming to her all the time, assuming she will drop anything to help him. Then she thought embarrassedly, perhaps she did.
Lost in her own day dreams along lines she dared not share with anyone, the object of them appeared out of the bathroom in nothing but his trousers... almost as if he had walked directly out of her imagination. Almost, in her mind's eye he didn't have 3 great gashes across his middle. She had seen them the day before, but that didn't stop her from taking a shuddering breath when she saw them again.
"It was much worse Sunday night," he said, reading her face aright.
He had left his hair dripping again and she watched the progression of a fallen droplet. Off his shoulder, down his chest, along his abs and vanishing beneath the waist line of his trousers. 'First the pillows, now the drops of water... it seems like everyone has it better than I do,' she thought as she whipped out her wand.
Once his hair was dry she set about re-bandaging him. She had to focus extremely hard to keep other distracting thoughts from her mind as she bandaged and wrapped. She moved onto the second one, which was much darker and wider.
"How deep did that one go?" she asked, touching it softly.
x
He had unconsciously tightened his muscles as she looked him up and down, inspecting the damage. A pleasant shiver shot up his spine when she traced his wound with her fingertips.
"Down to the muscle," he replied. Lily drew her hand away quickly, looking fearful. James smiled and took her hand back.
"It's alright you can touch it. It doesn't hurt anymore," he said, placing her hand back on it. She didn't touch the actual gash, but put middle and forefinger on either side, following it across his abdomen. "Sirius said he was afraid bits of me would start falling out," he said chuckling.
"That's hardly funny," she reprimanded starting to cover it again with fresh gauze.
James shrugged and held his arms out again, and then after another second put them on her shoulders. She looked to his hands then up to him, eyes questioning.
"Tired of holding my arms out," he explained simply. "I could put them on your head it you'd rather."
Lily shrugged. "Whatever is more comfortable for you," she replied, starting on the final slash, the least severe of the three. When she finished securing the last bandage in place he had somehow forgotten to remove his hands from her shoulders.
Their eyes met, and for a moment James thought he saw something incredibly promising in the midst of all that swirling green. He had just made up his mind to lean in and go for it when she quickly broke eye contact and stepped away.
Alright so Lily was clearly not open to suggestion at this stage in their relationship, he thought. It was just as well. He knew better and wondered what on earth had possessed him to try. Ah yes, that intensity of green.
Had he just ruined something? Did she realise what he had been about to do and pulled away out of fear? He sincerely hoped not, and it wasn't as if he could ask her.
x
'Kiss me,' she willed him with her eyes. They had been standing like that for a full torturous minute just staring (and on her part) hoping. 'I would give anything to have you just kiss me.' But of course he wouldn't, it was silly to hope. Suddenly remembering what James had said about being able to read her thoughts through her eyes she turned away quickly and stepped back from him. 'Calm down girl,' she commanded herself. 'You are making a fool of yourself again, waiting around for things that simply won't happen. He was just resting his arms; don't let your wild imagination twist it into anything it's not.'
It had been rather close. Another second there and she would have leaned in to do it herself, and then things would be incredibly awkward, if they weren't already...
x
James made a valiant attempt to save the situation, trying to prove to her that he wasn't a pervert and that he did respect her.
"Thanks, Evans. You are probably one of the few people I know who is always willing to do anything to help their friends," he said indicating he freshly re-bandaged torso.
x
Ouch, that word again. Friend. He had said it on purpose too. He had seen what she was thinking and was setting her straight. How humiliating. She sighed with regret, supposing he wouldn't be spending any more nights at her place now.
x
'She won't want me sleep at hers anymore,' he thought lugubriously. 'She'll be afraid I'll take advantage of her in her sleep.' He was angry with himself, or rather, with his traitorous arm that made that fear not as unfounded as he wished it to be.
"You have class soon, so I'll just go," she said quickly as she took a few backward steps towards the door. Retreating.
"Right... I'll just er... see you later," he replied. She nodded awkwardly and left, leaving James yearning for serious head trauma by means of a large blunt object. He had definitely made her uncomfortable. She had practically flown from the room at the first possible opportunity.
"Dunder. Head. Dunder. Head," he said, banging the aforementioned body part on the wooden bed pole.
He went back to the bathroom to grab his robes, and fumbled through the pockets until he found what he was looking for. The small pouch with the small stags dangling at the end of the drawstrings that Lily had given him last Saturday. He opened it and withdrew the mirror. Unsure whether he really wanted to do it or not, he sighed, saying Sirius's name.
"Hullo Prongs," said Sirius imitating James's unenthusiastic sigh but James didn't catch this cheerful baiting.
"What's wrong?"
"With me? Nothing. I'm a peach. How are Fluffy's love scratches healing?"
"Love scratches?" James repeated dubiously.
"He is a kind and gentle creature..."
"He maimed me."
"But I'm sure he meant it in a loving way."
"I'll lovingly maim you. See how well you like then."
"So did you talk to Hagrid?"
"We did."
"And?"
"He didn't take it well at all."
"Couldn't be expected to," Sirius said sincerely. "What happened?"
"He stormed off into the forest."
"Poor chap."
"Haven't seen him since, Lily was..." he stopped his thought mid sentence and strode to the window to look out it. Sure enough, Lily was crossing the lawn to Hagrid's place. If she told Hagrid what had happened that afternoon, he could say goodbye to the majority of his more precious limbs. In the heat of the moment Hagrid had thrown him into a tree. He shuddered to think what else the half giant could come up with if given more time to think about it.
"Was what?" Sirius asked.
James shook his head, trying to rid the horrible images of his arms being pulled out of their sockets. "Sorry?"
"You said that you haven't seen Hagrid since, and that Lily was..."
"Oh, upset. That was the last time feeding Mercury and he ran away in fear at Hagrid's outburst. I don't think she could handle both of them leaving her at once."
"But you didn't leave her, did you?"
"Of course not!" he replied instantly, realising far too late that that had been another one of Sirius's playful insinuating jabs. He sighed. "Seriously, mate. Stop it."
"What? I'm sure she is entirely grateful to keep you around."
"I wouldn't be so sure after today."
"Why not?"
"I erm... might have done something... ill advised."
"What did you do..."
"Nothing! That is... I didn't do anything necessarily reprehensible. I'm just afraid that she might have interpreted something the wrong way and been scared off."
"What was it that you said?"
"Well I didn't say anything, it was more of um..."
"Ah..." said Sirius nodding sagely.
"Don't you 'ah' me. It was nothing!"
"And I suppose it was 'nothing' that scared her?"
"Well, she is afraid of 'nothing' but no. Like I said it was a misunderstanding."
"Well she's a reasonable girl. Just tell her it was a misunderstanding."
"Easier said than done..."
"It was that bad, eh? Must have been quite a misunderstanding."
"The worst one in recent memory."
"That's saying something. Remember last Sunday when you accidentally walked into the women's toilets and they started beating you with their handbags?"
"No, actually. In fact most of that night escapes me."
"Oh well. But I'd say it ranks pretty high up there on the list. Oh! Don't forget last March..."
"Thanks, Padfoot," he said dryly.
"Anything I can do to help."
"You really are too kind," he said sarcastically. "And as much as I would enjoy the benefits of your continued 'kindness' I really have to get dressed and teach a class."
"What are you doing undressed in the middle of the da..." Sirius stopped and a large grin spread across his face. "I say that is worse than walking in the ladies' room."
"Shut it Sirius. Control your lewd imagination. I have to go."
"Yes, you need to get dressed. Wouldn't want any more misunderstandings on our hands now would we?"
x
Lily was indescribably relieved when Hagrid answered the door towards the end of the lunch break.
"Come on in," he said morosely. "We'll make a spot of tea."
"How are you? How is everyone?" she asked, referring to the magical creatures to whom (to which?) he was attached.
"3 missing, not including the thestrals," he reported sadly.
"I think you should talk to the centaurs again, Hagrid. See if they've noticed anything, and if they haven't to tell them what has happened. This will open their eyes if nothing else has."
"I meant to last night but couldn't find'em."
"And did you see Mercury?" she asked quietly.
Hagrid shook his head. "No."
"Oh..." she said lifting the enormous teacup to her lips to hide her disappointed face. "You should tell Dumbledore what you've noticed, Hagrid. It's important he know."
"Was on my way to see him when hey called over, 'smatter of fact."
"Why don't we go see him now?" She was desperate for some kind of resolution, or at least some fresh ideas on the matter.
In his office, Dumbledore sat and listened patiently as Hagrid explained. Lily kept silent; she wanted it to appear as if it had been entirely Hagrid who had realised this and had drawn his own conclusions. It may have been her imagination but she caught Dumbledore's eyes flicker to her every now and again.
Once Hagrid had said all he had to the three of them sat in sombre silence. After a moment Dumbledore rose ponderously from his chair and crossed the room.
"Thank you, Hagrid, for your troubles," he said putting his wand tip to his temple, extracting a memory. He placed it in the pensieve, which was already out of the table. He had apparently already been perusing his thoughts that day. He stirred them with his wand, studying the images as he spoke, almost as if to himself. "One hopes that with each new piece of the puzzle one comes closer to solving it. But, alas, it also may be that that piece makes you realise that the puzzle is ever larger than you anticipated."
He didn't look up at them; he was lost in his thoughts. Lily tugged at Hagrid's sleeve and they silently left Dumbledore's office together.
She had hoped Dumbledore would have had some advice, some plan of action or at least words of comfort for Hagrid but as he said, he had nothing but more questions. Questions to which neither Lily, nor Hagrid, (or anyone else) had the answers.
Hagrid returned to the grounds and Lily withdrew to her common room. She hooted to Ebony, who was perched obediently by the window. The small black owl floated gracefully over to her and Lily stroked the bird's feathers as she composed a letter to Sirius.
Unable to actually say anything herself, she simply recalled a poem.
If There Be Sorrow
If there be sorrow
Let it be
for things undone...
undreamed
unrealized
unattained
to those add one:
Love withheld...
... restrained
Mari Evans (no relation)
She sent it along but there came no reply. Sirius must be at some distance from Hogwarts. Probably London.
x
It was nearing dusk when James walked into Lily's common room as he usually did. It wasn't until he saw Lily in her pyjamas, kneeling on the floor by the fireplace in front of a cauldron that he remembered that they weren't going to Hagrid's anymore. She looked up at him, curiously.
"James." He couldn't tell if that had been a statement or a question.
"Oh, I... erm... don't exactly know why I'm here. Habit I suppose. Sorry, I'll just..." he said backing away as he pointed his thumb towards the door.
x
"You don't have to go," Lily said, sounding rather more desperate than she had intended.
"Really?" She was the one who had made a fool of herself, why was he acting like he had been in the wrong?
"You were always saying how my common room is better than your office. Your place is still there if you want to use it... that is if you don't mind my brewing."
"What are you making?" he asked, but the thought he might know by the ingredients she had laid out.
"Erm... a slumbering solution, actually. I thought I might need it."
"Why not leave it," he suggested earnestly. "Believe me, no one is more proud of you to see you taking the initiative to getting the rest you need more than me, but I'd be even gladder to see you stop relying on potions altogether. They can become addicting, as you know."
"Are you saying I have a problem?"
"Not a problem, per se. More of a... a bad habit."
"Alright..." she said. He had a fair point and it was fruitless to argue. She wouldn't have argued if he had said she had a problem. She had been expecting him to and she was ready to agree with him. But he called it a bad habit, which made it seem better. Easier to break. Everyone has bad habits, not everyone has addiction problems.
She had only been preparing the ingredients, so she simply cleared them away and replaced her cauldron. James beamed at her proudly as he took his seat, summoning his things.
They had done this countless times before, but this time was somehow... different. This time they hadn't even the feeblest excuse/ reason for being there other than that they simply enjoyed each other's company. A terrifying and thrilling thought for both of them. It was ridiculous, they both knew, because they were already aware of that fact, but this little change made all the difference. It was an admission to the other that they wanted to continue even though they didn't have to. After an hour of working they got sidetracked by... well.. themselves and began talking about nothing and everything as one general does when avoiding work.
"Are you kidding? I'm getting paid two full time salaries for doing the exact same job, and my living and food expenses are already covered. The gold is simply accumulating because I'm not spending a knut on anything... save you."
"Me?"
"The only times I've spent any gold has been the knight bus fare, our drinks in the 3 broomsticks, and Ebony."
"That's it?"
"Well... I had a few drinks the other night with Sirius, and I might purchase a Honeydukes sweet now and again, but you eat half of those anyway so..."
"You make it sound as if I'm some kind of moocher. You are always chucking them at me..."
"I know. It's fun to watch you flinch. Sometimes you catch it, something you just let it hit you, but it's best when you flinch."
"What?"
James reached into his pocket and wound his arm back, as if preparing to throw something a very long way. He slung it forward with all of his force and Lily squeaked and curled up into a little ball.
When Lily didn't feel the harsh sting of a flying missile she peaked out behind her arms that were protecting her head. James laughed and opened his palm to reveal absolutely nothing. So she reached out and slapped it, calling him a brute.
"How can you call me a brute when you are the only one of us resorting to physical violence?"
She was saved the trouble of answering by Ebony, who was pecking at the window. Lily crossed the room and opened it, giving her bird a pat and opening Sirius's reply.
To the Virgins to Make Much of Time
Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying;
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.
That age is best, which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times, still succeed the former.
Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry;
For, having lost but once your prime,
You may forever tarry.
Robert Herrick,
'Easier said than done,' she thought. Although it was an excellent poem for Sirius Black she wondered why he would know it. But perhaps all masters in the art of seduction must have a good number of poetic verses in their repertoire. She didn't remember the word 'flower' having any special emphasis in the original poem and assumed that Sirius had done that as a deliberate reference to her name.
James cleared his throat audibly to bring Lily's attention back to him.
"Oh, sorry."
"Interesting letter?" he asked, trying to sound casual.
"To say the least. Would you like to hear it?"
"If it's a private letter you don't have to share," he said with a conviction he did not feel.
"Not at all." She read the poem aloud, slowly and with poise, the way she imagined the poet intended it to be read. She had read the poem in hopes that he would think she was trusting him, or rather, not keeping anything from him. It would be slightly embarrassing if he actually understood it, she was banking on him being a bit dense about poetry.
"Who wrote it?"
Lily didn't know if he meant the author of the letter or the author of the poem, so she naturally decided he meant the latter. It made things much simpler. "Robert Herrick."
"Don't know him."
"He's a 17th century poet."
"That's probably why. You know I'm a bit of a poet myself," James said proudly.
"Are you indeed? I didn't think you were the type."
"Oh I am. Here's one of my personal best..." He cleared his throat and began.
"Third floor corridor.
Dungbombs in suits of armour.
Detention again"
"A haiku? Why James I didn't know you were that deep."
"I have some that rhyme."
"Oh please do let's hear."
"Oh Minerva, Minerva, today of all days,
I write to you a chronicle,
Of trying to express my feelings in various ways,
Like finding a rhyme for 'McGonagall'.
So I wanted to write a meaningful song,
But this was the best I could do,
Keep in mind that though it may not be long
It is meant entirely for you.
By the tight black bun, and the sweetness of your glower
You've entranced me. And may I mention
That although I've disrupted your teaching hour
I beg you will not give me detention.
"Wrote that to dear Minnie on Valentine's Day my sixth year. Had a house elf deliver it to her in the middle of Transfiguration class. Oh it was brilliant," he said wiping a tear of mirth from his eye. "I think the elf recited it better, he had a lute and sort of sang it."
Lily grinned madly. "So what happened after that?"
"She actually didn't give me detention. She did Sirius though. He hadn't been a part of that little stunt but he was the first to start shouting encore."
Lily laughed uproariously at the poem, Sirius's detention, the haiku, at everything, and James basked in her amusement. He liked making her laugh. It seemed that lately her face was always so stern, or worried. But her laughter... now that was worthy material for the poets.
x
Lily decided that she had overcomplicated things that afternoon. James probably didn't think anything of it, and her paranoia had simply got the better of her. Here he was, sitting in her common room, reciting atrocious poetry and laughing with her. Everything was back to normal. That is, it had never changed. Lily was so relieved and happy that she let out all the laughter she contained until she was a breathless heap on the floor, unable to continue.
x
'I'm officially in trouble,' James thought as he watched Lily on the ground, chest heaving to regain her breath lost from laughing. He wouldn't tell anyone, and he would keep himself from acting on it like he had that afternoon, but he wasn't going to lie to himself anymore. He loved her, and would do anything and everything within his power to keep her happy and from harm. But from a relative distance. Obviously they were close, but friendship was a kind of closeness that had an interminable distance about it. And that was the safest distance he could care for her. For now...
"Oh that was wonderfully exhausting," she sighed. "Give me a laughing fit over a slumbering solution any day. Laughter is a much better addiction isn't it? Perhaps I'll come have you laugh me to sleep every night," she said, yawning. She closed her eyes and rolled onto her side.
"You can't sleep on the floor."
"Watch me."
"It might seem like a good idea now, but when that fire goes out you are going to realise how cold and hard it is."
"You wouldn't let the fire go out..." she said blearily, traces of laughter still echoing in that sleepy smile.
No. Indeed he wouldn't...
x
Dumbledore had summoned Lily to his office directly after her final class on Friday. She was informed (finally) that an order member would be there at all times, although she probably wouldn't recognise them in their disguises, and if she happened to, not to pay any particular attention to them. He reminded her what she was supposed to do. Try to find out any information on what exactly his business was with death eaters, and what channels he used. Dumbledore assured her that he had every confidence in her. Lily didn't want to seem arrogant, but she had confidence in herself as well.
Lily was reviewing all the things she should and shouldn't do as she put on her apron and stepped out into the bar. It had been a pleasant reunion with Tom. An hour or so later Basil and Cyrus came in, Basil apparently forgetting he was supposed to be angry with her. She saw many familiar faces, but none of them Chevalier's. Also, she didn't recognise any order member faces either, but she did recognise someone's posture. That straight stiff back, even when sitting gave McGonagall away. But as she had been instructed, she gave no sign of recognition or special attention.
The evening grew later, and still no sign of Chevalier. In fact she had almost forgot that she wasn't a simple barmaid until someone she knew walked in. Sirius Black, with a playful smile on his lips and a beautiful woman on her arm strode in and up to the bar. His eyes landed on Lily and widened with surprise for the merest instant before going back to normal.
"On second thought Cordelia, why not we try someplace else? I know of a little..." his voice trailed off as he got further away, exiting again.
He had seen surprised to see her. Did he not know she was working? She thought all the members knew...
When her shift finally ended that night she returned to her room where Ebony waited patiently, a letter attached to her leg. She had expected it to be from Sirius, but it wasn't.
How did it go?
James
Not exactly the length she had hoped for, but she was still pleased that he had written at all. She wrote back (a longer missive) saying that Chevalier didn't show, but all is well. She sent Ebony off. Knowing that it would take half the night for her to reach Hogwarts, she didn't wait up for a reply.
The next morning she had two owls waiting for her. One was Sirius's the other her own bird she had sent to James the night before. She opened Sirius's first.
Terribly sorry, Cariad. I didn't know you started this early at the Leaky Cauldron. I thought it was only during the holidays. That's when I'm assigned you anyway.
Hope you are well, and even if you are not I remain faithfully yours (I'm using the word faithful here loosely),
SB
P.S. You look ravishing in an apron.
She didn't reply, instead she immediately tore open the next letter.
I've taken over your room and you are not getting it back. I'll send your things up to the DADA office where you will be living as of Sunday. Grading papers (surprise surprise) takes twice as much time when you only have half as many people grading. When you get this it will be Saturday, the best of all days, but since you will be working, I will have to loaf and loiter for the both of us, and will get into twice as much mischief. I'll let you know the how that goes. Report back.
James Potter
Lily smiled and folded the letter. She put it on the table while she got dressed, then put it in her pocket and went down to work.
The bar wasn't open at this time, but the inn was, and visitors would be checking in and out. She acted as a waitress a well, serving coffee and clearing tables when guests had finished their breakfasts. She couldn't spot the order member this time, and there were only three people in the room excluding herself and Tom.
By the next day Lily was certain that Chevalier wouldn't be showing this weekend. She almost wanted to ask Tom if he had been around recently, but she didn't dare. She would just have to be patient. It would be too lucky if he showed up the very first weekend and spilled everything he knew to her. No, this would take time...
Sunday night she apparated to Hogsmeade where a carriage was there waiting. She went skipping up to her room, taking the steps two at a time. Her face fell when she entered her common room and saw a note on the chessboard.
I'm just going up to have a chat with Remus. It's a tradition since we graduated. All us lads meet up in the shrieking shack and catch up before his furry little problem makes an appearance. Going out with Sirius and Peter after. Don't wait up. I'll see you tomorrow.
James Potter
She was disappointed. She hadn't seen him since Friday morning. Granted, that wasn't very long, but it was the longest they had ever spent apart since they started spending time together. She was finally back and now he was gone. She had expected him to be there, pretending to turn her out of her own room, claiming that he had commandeered it, then they would sit by the fire and enjoy themselves. By now he was probably out getting drunk with Sirius and Peter.
x
The truth was James had felt incredibly guilty about the last full moon. He couldn't leave his friend to face it alone, even though Remus had said he didn't mind. Of course he did, how could he not? James owed it to Remus, one of his best friends, not to turn away from him now.
Remus was surprised to see him, having already told everyone not to come, and tried to make him leave, but James refused.
"It's too dangerous," Remus explained.
"I've been there before, it'll be ok."
"You've always had Sirius to back you up. In these close quarters, with nothing but you and me, that is to say a deer and a wolf... you won't make it. Please go. I don't want to hurt you."
"Come on Mooney, so things have changed a little bit, but that doesn't mean you have to go it alone."
"I'm not kidding James. Get out of here."
"I'm not leaving, Remus."
"If you..." but he didn't continue. The familiar spasms took over his body and he began to shake and morph excruciatingly into the form of a killer canine...
x
Hours later, James limped terribly up to the castle beneath his invisibility cloack, blood soaking through everything he wore. He barely managed to open the doors.
He staggered up the first flight of stairs, leaning on the wall as he went. He knew there was no way he would have been able to make it up another six flights to his office, nor had he intended to. He was going to the only person in the entire castle he trusted enough to help him.
"Vigilance," he croaked. Unsteadily he made his way through the small personal common room and to the bedroom, pulling off the invisibility cloak, letting it fall to the floor.
"Lily..." he said weakly.
x
She stirred in her bed, sat up, rubbed her eyes, and looked at James. Her eyes widened when she realised that what she was seeing wasn't her nightmare, and that he really was standing in her room bleeding and hurt.
"James! Are you alright?" she asked jumping out of bed to move toward him. She acted as a crutch to help him the last few steps to the bed.
"No..."
"Here, on the bed, where are you hurt?"
"Everywhere..." He groaned in pain as he pealed off his shirt. Lily made a hissing sound through her teeth as she breathed in sharply when she saw the state of him. Slashes, bites and bruises covered both his back and his chest. He seemed to have an unfair amount of canine inflicted injuries this week.
She started immediately, using the same healing spells he had taught her a month ago. After his gashes were closed, cuts mended, and doing all that she could for his bruises on his back, she moved on to his front, repeating the process.
"Was it always this bad?" she asked, voice filled with concern.
"No. Tonight was the worst... We... Moony and I, I mean... I couldn't stay till the end. He was going to kill me. I had to..."
"Shh... You don't have to explain now. Just try to relax. Oh, you have a nasty cut on your eyebrow. Where are your glasses?" she asked, taking special care for the cuts on his face, trying to make sure they disappeared completely.
"No idea..."
"I'll get them later. Legs?"
"Yeah..." He moaned in pain again as he tried to remove his trousers. His legs had more bruises than anything else, but he had a terrible gash behind his left knee and another on his right Achilles heel, not to mention a very clear bite on his thigh. Blood oozed from the areas that were missing a chunk of flesh. She wasn't exactly sure what spells to use when tendons and ligaments were involved, but she did the best she could from memory.
"Try to point and flex your foot."
He did as she had asked with relative success. It was good that he had mobility, she was afraid she might have mended something together that she shouldn't have.
"Does that hurt?"
"Yes, but not as much as before."
"I think I re-mended your tendon, so it's quite new and tight. It will take a bit of stretching to wear it in..."
"Alright."
"Is that everything?"
"Merlin I hope so..." he said, shutting his eyes tight against the pain.
"Under the covers. Lie down, I'll be back in 10 minutes."
He didn't have the energy to ask her where she was going. He simply did as he was told. She gathered up his blood stained clothes and left, returning 8 and a half minutes later with a basket.
"Here, have some."
"Fire whiskey?"
"For the pain, and to help you sleep. I already used the usual pain relieving spells on you, but I thought I'd give you something extra. I also have some food in here if you are hungry," she said, going to her closer and pulling out her collection of potions.
"I haven't the energy to chew..." he said, downing the glass of whiskey and coughing a bit. She poured him another glass and he drank that too.
"Now drink this..." she said handing him a potion bottle. Even though she knew that Remus wasn't evil, a werewolf bite counted as a dark injury. If James had been human at the time, it would do him no good, but now, if what she suspected really was true, it should work.
x
Lily handed him a bottle of what appeared to James to be warm milk. It tasted like warm milk as well, but he knew there was something else in it, because the moment he finished it he immediately passed out.
x
"Well that proves it..." she said to herself. She had suspected all along but now she actually knew for a fact she loved him.
Once he was asleep, she kissed him lightly, and then spent the next hour or so pretending she hadn't and waited for the sun to rise and it was safe to leave. After summoning his glasses and putting them on the nightstand, she took the basket and his invisibility cloak and left.
She went to the shrieking shack as quickly as she could, bent double in that passage trying to run without bumping her head on the low ceiling.
When she entered the dirty ruined house she was sickened to see how much blood there was, not to mention seeing all the broken and clawed up furniture.
When the animal paw prints ended and the human ones began, she followed them up the dilapidated stairs to an old bedroom with a squeaky door, barely clinging to only one of its hinges. Remus's bare, tired and beaten body was lying prostrate on the dusty four poster bed.
"Remus?" she asked uncertainly.
Obviously shocked to hear a woman's voice he sat up quickly. Too quickly. In noticeable agony on many different levels he groaned as he finally managed to focus on her.
"Lily Evans?" he said in disbelief.
"It's ok lie back down; I'm here to help you." she said soothingly, starting the same routine as she had done not even an hour before with the man who was now unconscious in her bed.
Too exhausted to protest he did so. But he still had lots of questions.
"Aren't you afraid?"
"Remus, in your condition the only thing I have to fear is getting blood on my robes."
"I meant..."
"I know what you meant. And no, you're human now."
"How did you know?"
"I found out last month, we ran into each other on the Hogwarts grounds when you and your friends were in your other forms... You bit me."
"No..." he said in pure anguish.
"I forbid you to feel guilty about it. I was in my other form too, so nothing bad happened."
"You're a..."
"Yes," she said simply, and then continued right on with her topic. "I know it's been several years, but I will never forget how kind you were to me. Never."
"What about James? Is he alright?"
"Perfectly fine, or will be."
"Things are becoming clearer now," Remus said. Then realising his own nudity he pulled a blanket over his bottom half. Neither of them seemed embarrassed. He continued, "The four of us always went out every full moon, but last time he said never again, that there had been too many close calls and he wouldn't do it anymore."
"But he was with you tonight...?"
"Yes. He wanted to stay with me, but he refused to let me out like we used to do. I understand why now... I'm sorry Lily. He was completely right to keep me in here. It's too dangerous, I'm too dangerous. Too dangerous to be allowed out, even in their company. I see that now and I'm sorry you had to get hurt for us to realise that..."
"I'm fine. Like I said before, I wasn't a human at the time..."
"Thank Merlin for that. I don't think I could have lived with myself otherwise. In fact it's rather difficult to live with myself anyway. When I think of what could have... I'm so sorry Lily."
"I already said that I forbid you from feeling guilty. Here, have a few swallows of this," she said handing him the bottle of fire whiskey.
"You thought of everything," he said, taking a swig.
"Do you want something to eat? I have some bread and sausages."
"Thanks," he said, eating a bit before taking another swallow of whiskey. "James is alright?" he asked again.
"Yes. He's recuperating now. Here, this will dull the pain and help you sleep." she said, handing a different bottle to him.
"No wait. I want to talk to you some more. I haven't seen you in years and you just suddenly appear out of nowhere to help me..."
"There will be time for talking later. Now you need to sleep and I need to get back to the castle," she said, running her fingers through his hair soothingly, maternally.
"Are you free next Monday?"
"Yes."
"Meet me in the Hogshead at 5. I want to talk to you."
"It's a date," she said. He smiled weakly and she handed him the potion. He drank it this time and was asleep within seconds. With a few simple spells, she cleaned and mended his clothes, folded them and put them on the end of the bed. She likewise cleaned the bedspread and sheets, pulling the duvet out from under him, then tucked him in snugly, fluffing the pillows and gently placing his head on them. She stroked his prematurely grey head once more before she left.
She used to love the full moon, but she couldn't think why. Now that she thought about it the waning crescent was much more charming.
x
When James awoke, he was confused at first, wondering where on earth he was. The only thing he saw was a great red blur in front of his eyes, which he recognised as Lily's hair. He squinted around the room, and automatically reached for the bedside table for his glasses. He put them on and looked around the room again, this time with corrected vision. Her head was against his chest, and she was curled up into a ball underneath a Hogwarts cloak, shivering slightly from the cold. Everything came back to him. He looked down at himself to see the damage, and he was pleasantly surprised to see it wasn't that bad. She had done a fair job patching him up. He also realized how very little he hurt, barely sore at all. His right foot and left knee were a bit stiff, but she had told him to expect that. He got out of bed and began searching for his clothes, something he would definitely need to get back to his office and then to the shrieking shack. He had abandoned Remus in the night, who knew how badly his friend could be hurt...
"Where are my clothes?" he muttered to himself.
"Master Potter, sir?" came a squeaky voice from the bedroom door. James strode to the door and opened it. Just as he assumed, a house elf stood there.
"Poppy?" James said in surprise.
"Miss Evans said that the clothes were to be brought up when they is clean, sir. And Poppy is doing what she asked."
"Miss Evans is asleep now, but I will tell her, thank you very much."
"It is always a pleasure to be a help to Master Potter or Miss Evans, sir," the elf said in an embarrassed yet happy voice, then disappeared with a loud crack.
Lily shot up, awakened by the elf's noisy departure.
"It's ok, it was only a house elf..." he said reassuringly.
"Oh, bringing you your clean clothes I imagine."
"Yeah, thank you."
"Thank the elves."
"I already did."
"Good."
He began pulling on his trousers as he said. "I have to go to the shrieking shack to check on Remus."
"He will still be sleeping. I went to see him as soon as the sun rose."
"You saw him?" James asked, frozen, trousers not yet completely on yet. "How is he?"
"He was in a bit better shape than you were, but I gave him nearly the same treatment."
"Including the fire whiskey?"
"Yes, he took a slightly larger dose than you did though..." she said with a faint smile. "How do you feel? Does it hurt anywhere?"
"No, as a matter of fact. That potion was amazing, what was it?"
"Secret."
"You will tell me eventually, yes?"
"Maybe."
James harrumphed at her noncommittal answer and pulled up his pants the rest of the way. "You have a month, my dear. I want that potion recipe before next full moon," he said as he thrust an arm into a shirtsleeve, realized he had put the wrong arm into the wrong sleeve, and took it off again.
"Remus won't wake up later in the afternoon, you can see him then."
"Do you want to come with me?"
"I have about 10 hours of homework to do."
"I'm sure he would want to see you."
"We have a date for Monday, I'll see him then. I really need to get my work finished."
"You have a what?" he asked. She had said the wrong thing. The word 'date' had inspired a jealousy as he had never before experienced. He felt as if he would burn up like straw.
"We are meeting next Monday, you know... to catch up and things."
"Where?"
"In Hogsmeade."
"It's not a Hogsmeade weekend," he said sternly. Lily's face immediately fell, her eyes and voice becoming equally frigid.
"Oh, right, I forgot, Professor. Please tell your friend that I can't come next Monday, nor will I be able to go with you today, because the shrieking shack is in Hogsmeade, and today isn't a Hogsmeade weekend either!" she said snappily.
"But at least now you would be with a teacher."
"It's not like you going with me suddenly makes it a school sanctioned field trip."
"Yes but--"
"Forget it. Give my apologies to Remus."
Furious for several reasons even he couldn't identify, he stormed out of her room.
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