When all our flaws and failing are made bare, when our world is crumbling around us and there is no way through, that is when we see ourselves plain. That is when we see who we truly are.
Morgana ran, hysterical and terrified down the halls of the castle; Merlin beside her as they dragged the King along the floor trying to escape. She looked up to see one of the Knights of the Medhir pursuing them slowly and determinedly. Unstoppable, unkillable; unmistakeably the Knights she had seen while at Idirsholas.
When the fires of Idirsholas burn, she heard Gwen's voice say in her head, the Knights of Medhir will ride again.
Morgana slipped on the edge of her impractical dress, landed awkwardly on the ground, then quickly swivelled around; crawling backwards away from the giant faceless Knight that approached her almost as if he was in slow motion.
"Merlin!" she cried. This was my dream. I dreamed this. Why did I not recognise the Knight when I was at Idirsholas? I trusted Morgause and now she has killed me.
She looked around and Merlin gave her a strange and uninterpretable look and then began dragging the King away from her.
"Please!" she begged him. The Knight was almost upon her.
Merlin turned and ran faster and she swung back to her fate. The Knight drew back his sword and she hid her face. But the blade stopped at her neck and the Knight moved on.
She stood up and ran and she, Merlin and Arthur barricaded themselves into the Throne Room. Morgause had instructed the Knights not to kill her but Merlin had chosen once again to protect a Pendragon over herself. She looked around the room, Arthur talking animatedly constructing plans within plans and Merlin casting her suspicious glances but still protecting her secret.
How had she gotten here? What path had led her here? Where did it all go so wrong?
One day before
Morgana walked into her chambers, wondering what on Earth she was going to do that day. She had refused to attend Court; standing beside Uther looking beautiful was no longer a task she would undertake and she had told him so. He had reacted to it as though it was childish pique and was waiting for her to get bored and change her mind.
It was just moving from winter into early spring but it was still cold so she moved to close the window when she realised it was open. On the sill was a box and inside the box was a note from Morgause requesting her to sneak out of Camelot after dark to see her. She smiled. It was perfect timing.
"Are you alright?" said Gwen's voice behind her and she quickly folded up the note and slipped it up her sleeve.
"Yes," she replied vacantly, closing the window, "just a little cold."
"Would you like something warmer?"
"No, thank you," she said, more assuredly then noticed Gwen's suspicious look. She would not tell anybody of her suspicions, Morgana knew, but still her maid was too damn perceptive.
"Are you alright?" she countered, noticing Gwen's paleness and hoping to distract her from her suspicions.
"I'm fine, My Lady," Gwen smiled and flushed slightly, "I'm just a little concerned about the... guards."
"The guards?"
"Riding out with Arthur and Merlin to Idirsholas," explained Gwen, as though she could not believe Morgana hadn't heard.
"Idirsholas!" Had Morgause been discovered? Was she discovered?
"A shepherd saw the fires of Idirsholas burning," explained Gwen, "and Arthur was sent to investigate. Gaius says that when the fires of Idirsholas burn the Knights of Medhir will ride again."
"Well, that sounds like superstition to me," said Morgana sharply. Then she wondered how she was going to kill the long hours before meeting with Morgause. She's done it. She's roused the Knights against Camelot's unpopular King. Soon, hopefully, she will rid me of Uther.
Twelve hours before
Should it be so easy to sneak out of the castle? It seemed she had so much practice now; sneaking around guards and opening doors without witness. She ran down the steps by the outer wall and before anyone could notice she was beyond Camelot's borders.
She made her way to the rendezvous point in good time under the bright full moon. People said so much about the moon; was that the reason the Knight has been roused? Was that the reason they rode again?
She turned around and Morgause was behind her; all wild blonde hair and confidence. She smiled in relief to see her dear sister.
"You look well," she said happily as she placed a caring hand on her arm.
"Thanks to you," she replied and stroked her bracelet, "I can't remember when I last had a bad dream and the other things that were keeping me awake... I try not to let them trouble me anymore."
"But you do not seem happy? Why is that? Your serving boy?"
"Chose his master over me. He does not love me. And also... I'm tired of pretending."
"Pretending?"
"That I'm Uther's loving ward. When I hate him."
Morgause gave her an appraising look.
"Have you ever imagined a new world, Morgana? One where Uther was no more?"
"Of course I have. You know I have. But I... it's strange, I once had the chance to be his assassin."
"What stopped you?"
"I don't know. I believed he cared for me. But not anymore. He cares for no one except perhaps his son. A son who becomes more like his father every day. The executions, Morgause, the cruelty. It is getting worse."
"So you want Uther destroyed and his reign to end?"
"More than anything," she admitted, "but it doesn't matter what I want. The future's not of my making."
"You are wrong, Morgana. You underestimate your importance. The decisions you make now will change the shape of everything that is to come."
"What do you mean? I thought.... I hoped... that you had brought me here to tell me that you had found the way to rouse the Knights."
"Maybe I have," replied Morgause, "but still I need to know. It's more important than you can know. Whose side are you on, Morgana? Are you with Uther or are you with me?
"Forget all that you have said and done before tonight. Answering this question now is what matters. Are you prepared to help me bring about his downfall?"
Morgana looked at her, determination building up inside her as she considered what Morgause had said. She could wait long years for Uther's passing only to find Arthur was his father reborn. And Merlin? Merlin would sit and wait while atrocities piled up around him, refusing to use his great power to act. She knew what she had to do.
"I am," she said.
Morgause walked up and put her hand maternally on Morgana's cheek.
"I can't tell you how much it means to hear you say that."
And the world went black.
Five hours before
Everyone had fallen asleep. Each of them, one by one, falling around her. Gwen, Gaius, Uther, Leon, Vidor and the rest of the Knights and guards. She'd woken up in her bed in Camelot confused and disorientated. She remembered meeting Morgause and then... nothing.
"Morning My Lady," Gwen had greeted her, already yawning. Gaius had thought it was a sickness and had looked for a cure but had fallen before he could even diagnose the problem.
And now the whole city was asleep. She stood awake at her window, Gwen's prone body behind her, wondering what it meant. And wondering what to do. And wondering if it was her fault. It can't be, she thought, Morgause talked about Knights and an attack. It must just be a coincidence. It must just be.
Four hours before
She heard yelling and footsteps. Oh Gods, the Knights. Was this the plan? Were they here? Would they kill her too? Would Morgause betray her like this?
She ran and hid and hoped they would assume everyone was asleep. She hadn't been hidden long when the curtains were ripped back and she was dragged out. She put up her arm to fight back before hearing Arthur's voice penetrate her consciousness.
"Morgana!" he yelled, "Morgana, it's me. What's happened?"
"I didn't know it was you."
"Calm down, Morgana, just tell me what's happened?"
She took a few quick breaths to calm herself and then managed.
"People were complaining, saying they weren't feeling well."
"And what then?"
"They started falling asleep. Everyone, everywhere I went."
"Was someone here? Why were you hiding?"
"I told you I didn't know who you were."
"Where's my father?" demanded Arthur unsympathetically.
"I don't know."
"Arthur, she's distressed." She heard Merlin's voice from behind her. Of course, the two had gone to Idirsholas together. It seemed strange to hear her defend her; as though she was in another, earlier life.
"If she was awake, then she must have seen something," Arthur insisted.
"I didn't see anything."
"You saw people getting sick. What did you do?"
"What could I do?" she demanded.
"Morgana, I don't understand. Why is it that you're the only person awake?"
She just stared at him, unable to frame a reply. Because she didn't know. And even if one small part of her knew, it wouldn't admit it. This was not her fault, she was sure of it. But then you never think anything is your fault, do you? whispered her conscience.
"Come on," Arthur directed them, "we have to find my father."
He strode out of the room with Merlin and Morgana behind him.
"Don't worry," he said to her, "I won't say anything."
"About what?" she asked him
"About the illness."
"It's nothing to do with me," she defended herself.
"No, of course not but you have magic," he noted.
"You haven't told anybody about that!" She pulled up short, horrified that he had betrayed her secret. I kept yours. I kept yours even from Morgause who is my family. Tell me you haven't told anyone.
"No," he confirmed, "and I won't tell Arthur but... there must be something keeping you safe and I think that must be it."
She looked at him standing there - all neckerchief and over-large clothing and big ears and earnestness and protectiveness - and she wanted suddenly to launch herself into his arms and confess all.
And if hadn't have broken her heart, she probably would have.
"I've found him!" she heard Arthur yell and the moment was broken. She and Merlin took off toward the Solar from whence Arthur's voice had come.
Three hours before
Arthur had left her alone with the King and a sword. Of all the ironies. Arthur had questioned her time and again about why she wasn't ill and Merlin had fed him a convincing lie about a treatment Gaius had given her before succumbing to the sickness himself.
Still, maybe Merlin was right. Maybe her magic protected her as it seemed to be protecting him.
She looked at the King prone on the table in front of her; asleep and helpless like a child and not the arrogant tyrannical monster he actually was. This was her time again, wasn't it? He was helpless, she had the sword. She could make up any story she wanted for how he died.
She continued to sit there, hoping that someone else would come in and do the task for her.
I was right, she thought, I am a coward. No wonder Merlin doesn't love me. No wonder Morgause abandoned me. No wonder my father would rather die in battle than live for me. I am unworthy.
And pathetically self-pitying. For Gods' sake, woman, are you going to spend the rest of your life feeling sorry for yourself? Pathetic.
Two hours before
Merlin was affected by the magic, as was Arthur. It wasn't her magic that protected her, although he persisted on perpetuating the lie to Arthur. Everything that had happened and he continued to protect and support her. Damn him.
He'd gone to get clothes for Uther so long ago. Was he alright? She didn't know what she'd do if something she had brought forward harmed Merlin. He was the one person in this gods-forsaken place she still cared about, no matter what she tried to tell herself. When he was with her she was not alone, at least for a little while.
One hour before
Merlin burst through the door into the room.
"I was worried about you," she said truthfully.
"They're here, they're in the castle," he said after giving her one strange look. He did not clarify who 'they' were but she assumed they were the Knights. This was it.
"Where's Arthur?" she asked.
"Gone to find somewhere safe to move to," said Merlin in reply, busily wrapping Uther up in a blanket so they could slide him easily across the floor.
"Thank you for not saying anything to him," she said, wondering if this was the last time she would have to tell him how she felt.
"It's aright."
"You're a good friend, Merlin. After everything that's happened I... thank you. For always being such a good friend."
He just looked at her; his white face paler even than usual, the sweat dripping from his forehead. The spell was taking hold now and she knew he didn't have long.
Arthur ran into the room.
"We have to move my father before Morgause gets here."
"Morgause," she breathed. Oh Gods, it was. It was her. All of it. It had to be. Uther dead, Morgana, focus on that. This is good news. Morgause will use the Knights to kill the king and all you wanted will be delivered and Merlin need not know that it was you. She is your sister. She will not harm you.
She looked at Uther's helpless body on the ground and wondered why she did not feel the victorious satisfaction she suspected.
"You're not surprised?" asked Merlin, as the three of them began dragging Uther's body out of the room and into the servants' quarters.
"No, I am," she protested.
Fifteen minutes ago
Morgana ran, hysterical and terrified down the halls of the castle; Merlin beside her as they dragged the King along the floor trying to escape. She looked up to see one of the Knights of the Medhir pursuing them slowly and determinedly.
Morgana slipped on the edge of her impractical dress, landed awkwardly on the ground, then quickly swivelled around; crawling backwards away from the giant faceless Knight that approached her almost as if he was in slow motion.
"Merlin!" she cried. This was my dream. I dreamed this. Why did I not recognise the Knight when I was at Idirsholas? I trusted Morgause and now she has killed me.
She looked around and Merlin gave her a strange and uninterpretable look and then began dragging the King away from her.
"Please!" she begged him. The Knight was almost upon her.
Merlin turned and ran faster and she swung back to her fate. The Knight drew back his sword and she hid her face. But the blade stopped at her neck and the Knight moved on.
She stood up and ran and she, Merlin and Arthur barricaded themselves into the Throne Room. She looked around the room, Arthur talking animatedly constructing plans within plans and Merlin casting her suspicious glances but still protecting her secret.
"There has to be something we can do!" yelled Arthur. He paced the length of the Throne Room then turned back around.
"Unless we can rid ourselves of this sickness, I don't see how we can hold out," he said.
"We have to destroy the source of the magic," said Merlin, almost to himself.
"Which is?" asked Arthur, hopefully.
"I don't know."
Arthur looked frustrated.
"Our only chance is to get out of Camelot," he stated forcefully.
Morgana looked at Merlin who was still casting her strange impenetrable glances while Arthur outlined his ludicrous plan.
"You cut the blanket up, we'll tie it to my father and then we'll lower him out of the window and onto the cart."
"Arthur," she began but he interrupted her.
"Just do as I say Morgana, please. I'll fetch the cart round to the window."
"You're going out there?" asked Merlin, appalled, "I'll come with you."
Morgana looked at the two standing by the barricaded doors; both barely awake now, giant black circles under their eyes.
"You won't reach the cart alone," stated Merlin, "it's suicide."
"I have no choice," said Arthur then he and Merlin nearly fell asleep leaning against the door. At least until Merlin slapped him.
"If you ever do that again..." Arthur threatened him.
"Well, don't fall asleep then," yelled Merlin.
They heard the Knights of Medhir gather outside the door. Arthur slapped Merlin on the shoulder and the two pulled up the bar on the door.
"If I need a servant in the next life," said Arthur jovially.
"Don't ask me," quipped Merlin. Arthur laughed and Morgana saw, for one small moment, how close the two truly were, how much Arthur trusted him. This is how it is when no one is around to judge, this is the reason for Merlin's loyalty, this is the man Arthur could be. Why did I ever doubt him?
"He's not going to survive out there," she whispered to Merlin, barely able to acknowledge that it was her that had led to Arthur's inevitable death.
Merlin turned around; a flask of water clasped in his hands.
"We've got to do something," insisted Morgana.
Merlin gave her an intense look.
"I know."
Now
Morgana sat on the ground tearing up blankets for Arthur's ridiculous plan and wondered whether, if she just kept tearing, if she would run out of blankets and look up to find the world had returned to sanity around her.
She looked up at Merlin's back, ramrod straight in front of her. He had said he was going to make some rope but was instead just standing there looking the other way.
"Merlin?" she queried him, softly, "Merlin, are you alright? You're not... oh Gods, you're not asleep are you?"
He gave a barely-imperceptible shake of the head.
He turned around and she saw that his face was tortured.
"I can't do it," he whispered, "I can't... I just can't."
"Can't do what?" she asked.
"He told me that I had to but I can't."
"Merlin, what are you talking about?" she demanded, worried at his tone and expression.
"Like I said, he's always right. Always. And I know he's right about this. That Knight didn't kill you for a reason but I... I just can't. It's wrong. I know it is."
"Merlin?"
"Tell me at least that you didn't know. Tell me that Morgause tricked you. Tell me that you didn't condemn all of us to death with deliberate intent. Morgana, please."
His eyes were red now; the tears he found so easy to shed welling up behind them.
She stood up and looked him square in the eyes.
"The plan was to kill Uther, to end his reign. That is all. I didn't know... I mean I didn't understand... I was just asked vaguely if I would help... I didn't..." She paused and her natural defence mechanism slammed into place.
"And what of it? Uther is a monster. And Merlin, think about it, the sleeping spell means no innocents get hurt. Isn't that better? The people of Camelot can go to sleep and wake up in a new world. Morgause isn't... Nimueh... killing innocents to torture her enemy. Morgause tried to protect everyone who might fight back. If you and Arthur hadn't gone to investigate then..."
"Then what?" he said fiercely, "then all of Camelot would have woken up to find their King dead and... what, Morgana? What would have happened then?"
"I... I don't know," she admitted, "Morgause just asked if I would help her overthrow Uther. I didn't know..."
"And again you didn't ask," he whipped out bitterly. "If the sleeping spell is her plan, Morgana, then why does she need the Knights? Did you ask yourself that?"
"Well no, I... I thought..."
"No, you didn't. You didn't think. Uther is gone. Who would rule? Morgause? Do you really think Arthur and Leon and the rest of the Knights would have woken up from their sleep and accepted her rule? Arthur is the rightful heir; do you think she could leave him alive? If she wants to end Uther's reign, then she must kill anyone who could step up and keep his vision alive. If Arthur was gone, the people would rally around Leon, you know they would. So he must die too along with anyone else loyal to the Pendragon banner. All who serve so loyally. Gaius, Gwen..." he gritted his teeth as he spit out, "me."
"She wouldn't kill you," protested Morgana.
"Why? Because I have your favour? I am so honoured, My Lady." And he bowed sarcastically to her. "Doesn't do me much good when everyone I care about is dead."
She turned her back trying to process his words, trying to process anything. Then she swung back around.
"What did you mean you can't do it? What were you talking about? What did that... dragon... tell you to do?"
Merlin gave her a hopeless glance.
"He said you were the source of the spell. You're the reason Arthur is out there right now fighting for his life. He said the only way to stop it was to kill you. I brought..." he reached into his pocket and took out a vial, "...I went to Gaius' and got some poison. I know it's the only way to stop this but I... Morgana, I meant what I said. I can't commit an atrocity just because a dragon tells me to. He's right about what is but not about what should be. Please, please, please, give me another way to stop this. Give me another way to save Arthur."
He got down on his knees; the tears threatening to flow out now as he begged her.
"Please, give me another way," he whispered.
She knelt down as well and faced him.
"I don't know," she said softly, "I don't even know how the spell was cast. I don't remember... I just... Morgause asked me if I would help and... I woke up here. I don't know."
He hung his head and nodded.
She looked at him; his head hung down, his hands on his knees lying flat on the cold stone floor. She gave the vial of poison in his hand an ironic look and said angrily, deliberately.
"If you're not going to use that, can you please give it to me?"
He looked up at her, confused.
"You'll forgive me if I don't want the deadly poison in the hands of a man who wants to kill me."
He handed over the vial numbly. It was hemlock; a skull marked on the bottle in Gaius' hand.
Gwen, Gaius, Arthur, Leon, Merlin. All those who serve out of love and not just necessity. All those who have been my rock, my port in this storm. All of them, dead.
"It's funny," she said, "I always wondered. I never knew. I thought I was a coward. I used to look at the things you did and thought you were a hero but I never understood. Not really. I thought heroism came from action and that service was a by-product of powerlessness. I thought you served because you had to and couldn't understand why I could never match your courage."
She looked at him and smiled at him tenderly.
"I really do love you, you know? And that makes it all so clear. I know now, Merlin. When it comes to someone I care about, I know finally that I can do it."
"Do what?"
She leaned forward and kissed him softly then gently stroked his cheek. Then she tilted her head back and downed the hemlock in one quick swallow.
"I can drink the poison."
"Morgana!" he yelled and he leapt up just as she laid the empty bottle on the ground.
"Morgana, what are you doing? What did you... Morgana!"
"It's too late," she said, "it's done. I can already feel it working."
His tears broke then as her legs gave way beneath her and she felt the burning poison work its way up her windpipe.
He sat down behind her and wrapped his arms around her. How many times had she longed for this and here he was; hers completely for this one moment.
"What did you do?" he whispered, his warm tears falling on her long black hair.
"If this is the only way to save you then I do it gladly," she said. "I told you, my love. I am your servant, always."
"Morgana," he sobbed.
"Merlin, there's something you need to know before... before it's too late. Merlin, Morgause is my sister."
"What?"
"No time... Merlin, she cares about me. You may not believe it but it's true. If you bargain my life... this could end, Merlin. She may even be able to save me. But you have to stand firm. For Camelot, Merlin, for me. She may..."
She stopped; suddenly finding it difficult to speak. They sat there for a while, his arms around her, his hands caressing her hair away from her face.
"I love you," he whispered finally.
"No you don't," she said huskily and smiled slightly, "but thank you for saying it."
She tried to say more; that she loved him, that this sacrifice was nothing compared to all the ones he had nearly made for everyone else. But she had no time. And the world went black.