Moony and Padfoot

"I don't know if I can handle this," Sirius said, looking out the window of our dorm room.

"We've been through this before," I said, sitting on my bed, watching Sirius in the window bay.

"Yeah, but, I don't know," Sirius said, "aren't you worried at all?"

"Not really," I said, "I've been doing this since I was four, it's just normal to me."

Sirius looked at me. "What if it was me who had to go off tonight?"

My face fell. "Oh." That would suck, but it still didn't change anything. "I'll be fine."

"We don't know that, we never do."

"Last time was good," I sat next to Sirius on the window bay, "the wolf seemed to like the toys I got him."

"I just wish I could be there."

"Russ, we've been through this, the wolf hunts and kills humans, it's not safe for you."

"You didn't kill Rensen, maybe you won't kill me either."

I smiled sadly at him. "I'd never take that risk, you're too important."

"But why didn't you kill Rensen? There must be a reason, maybe we can use that."

"Use it for what?" I asked.

"A way for me to be there or something. …I really hate not being there with you. Look at your hand." Sirius grabbed it, examining the pink scars.

"Exactly," I said, pulling my hand back, "this is as bad as it gets and I'm still living, my hand is still working."

Sirius sighed loudly and crossed his arms against his chest, looking out the window. "I don't like it."

"This is my life," I said, "this will always be a part of my life, there's no cure. If you can't deal with it now then what's the point of any of this?"

I got up and went back over to my bed. It always came down to this. Sirius had accepted that I was a werewolf, but could he handle it for the long haul? Was I even worth it to him?

"I can't do this," Sirius said and my heart sank, "but I'm just going to have to figure it out because you're too important to me."

I smiled, he was using my words back at me.

"Are you taking Padfoot with you?" Sirius asked, walking over to me.

I frowned. "Who?"

"Padfoot," Sirius said, picking up my black dog.

"You named him?" I asked confused.

"Of course," Sirius said, "I wasn't going to keep on calling him dog like you, he needed a name. I think Padfoot suits him, here, look here." Sirius turned the dog over, "look at his paws, that's the cutest part about him, his little pad feet."

"I like his eyes," I admitted.

"They're kind of like mine," Sirius said, "so does that mean you like my eyes too?"

"I guess," I said, "you know Halley, she likes your eyes."

"And why the fuck would I care about her?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know," I shrugged, "she's good looking and she seems to like you, I don't know."

Sirius sat on my bed with me, Padfoot on his lap.

"You think she's good looking?" Sirius asked.

"I guess," I said, "her face is symmetrical."

Sirius laughed.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said. "What about Lily, do you think she's good looking?"

"Umm, she's James', so why would I even think about her like that?"

"Okay, Mary then?" Sirius said.

Why was he questioning me about this?

"She seems nice," I said. "Russ, what's your point?"

"How do you feel about Rensen?" he asked next, completely ignoring me.

"I love him."

"And me?"

"I love you." What was he getting at?

"James," Sirius said, "do you think he's good looking?"

"I've never thought about that before."

"Give it a think," Sirius said, "I'll wait."

He was so determined. What was he trying to get out of me? Sirius' hand found its way into Padfoot's fur, he wasn't even looking at me. I sighed and thought of James. Was he good looking? Not really, he was skinny, nerdy, glasses almost always askew, hair a complete mess, boring hazel eyes.

"I don't think he's good looking," I said and Sirius frowned.

"Peter?" he asked.

"No," I said firmly. I refused to think about Peter that way.

"Me?" Sirius asked.

This was pointless, but at least we weren't talking about my change anymore. Sirius, did I think he was good looking? Well that was obvious, yes, but I couldn't tell him that, could I? Was Sirius vain? He seemed to be in front of others. If I lied, would I hurt his feelings? Why was this so hard?

"Are you going to answer me?" Sirius said with a slight annoyance in his voice.

"What do you want from me?" I asked.

"The truth," he said simply.

Okay then.

"Yes," I said, "I think you're good looking."

A small smile graced Sirius' face and I smiled too, happy that he was finally satisfied.

I wanted to know if he thought I was good looking too, but there was no way I was setting myself up for that refusal.

"Do you mind that I called him Padfoot?" Sirius asked. "You can rename him or keep calling him dog if you want."

"No, Padfoot's a fine name." I really didn't care if the dog had a name or not, but if Sirius wanted to call it Padfoot then he could.

"Whatever you do," Sirius whispered quietly, "be safe, come back to me safe."

I nodded my head.

"Where are you going?" James asked. "And why are you taking that stupid dog with you?"

"Leave him the fuck alone," Sirius said.

"I'm just going down to the common room," I said, "I'll be back."

It wasn't my best lie, but it would do.

I met Sirius' eyes one last time, I knew that he hated that I was doing this alone, but that was the life of the werewolf.

I made it to the shack with plenty of time to spare. I followed my routine and sat against the stairs with my black dog.

"Padfoot." I shook my head, smiling. Sirius came up with the most random names, but somehow, they just seemed to fit.

My first bone broke and I set Padfoot next to the ball. No Rensen today, I was never bringing him back here. I'd sent him to my parents, knowing that he'd be gone when I had to leave, but would hopefully return soon so that Sirius could sleep with him. Sirius said he didn't need anyone, but I'd rather him have Rensen than no one.

Moony's POV

I was back. I was alive. I was feeling… Content? Worried? Confused? …Why did I have so many emotions?

I liked it here. I was back in the shack with the window. The moon looked magical tonight, so bright, so full. I wished I could be out there, closer to it, but here was okay, here was better than being locked up in the dark.

I was missing someone and not just the little ball of feathers, though I did miss him too. I missed gray eyes and black hair. I picked up the dog that was like me and stared at it. I didn't miss this, I missed something else, something similar.

I always thought that I was separate from the boy, that he punished me by locking me up, but he'd been trying so hard lately. He gave me the ball of feathers to play with, he gave me these. I put my paw on the ball and held it there. The boy cared for me, did that mean that I cared for him too?

I didn't feel the desire to kill him, or hurt him. If he died, I died. I realized that now. I didn't want to die. I liked being alive. I liked the moon and my toys. I liked the little ball of feathers. I liked the gray eyes.

I looked at the dog. I liked this dog. I remembered last time I wanted to name him, but I named myself Moony instead. I looked at the dog and the name just came to me, Padfoot.

Moony and Padfoot.

I smiled. I liked that. I had a friend now, he wasn't alive, he couldn't play with me, but just like the chains and the dark, maybe this was just for now, a test. Maybe if I did good the boy would reward me with a real dog.

I would like a real dog to play with. One like Padfoot, one with gray eyes and shaggy black fur, but how did I get one? Did I just need to treat this dog well? Care for him? Love him? Could I do that?

I was so used to death, destruction, pain and punishment. I wasn't sure if I liked these new feelings. Why was I changing? Why was I thinking so much? Could I hurt the boy? Would this make things stop? Would it make things go back to normal?

I looked at my claws, I'd used them so many times to harm the boy. I was covered in scars, I didn't care about them, but the boy did. I needed to try.

I needed to see if I was still capable, to see if I was still the wolf and not the boy.

I extended my claws. I could do this, but where? Somewhere new, somewhere not scarred.

I ran my hand over my body, feeling all the raised pieces of scarred skin, looking for a flat patch. I found it, near my hip.

I dug my claws in and dragged them down slowly. This felt good, this felt right. I was still the wolf, not the boy. I was just called Moony now, nothing else had changed.

I reached my leg and I kept going. I wanted to hurt the boy, didn't I? I hit mid-thigh and I stopped. I'd made my point.

I howled as the pain settled in.

I whimpered, scampering to the wall. Why did I do that? I was the boy, he was the wolf, we were one. Weren't we?

I grabbed Padfoot and the jacket with the scent I loved. I hugged them both to me, still whimpering in pain. My hip was bleeding and sore, so I rolled onto my other side.

I shouldn't have done it, but I had to. I didn't want things to change. I didn't want to start feeling things other than anger and rage. I didn't want to start thinking these thoughts. Couldn't I just stay the same?

I wanted death, destruction, pain and punishment. Nothing more, nothing less.