Chapter 37

Monday, 7:10 am

"Eddie, you can't do this," Danny pestered as he followed her around the downstairs like a hound dog as she hurried to pack just a few more things for the trip including a some of Kaylin's favorite books before she stuffed the plane ticket in her purse and hopped back and forth while she pulled her cutest boots over her socks and jeans before zipping them up.

"I have to, Danny," she answered as she went through a mental checklist in her head, made more difficult by the fact that she had no real idea of how long they would be staying. "I need to get his trust back," she added, and given the fact that Jamie had boxed up just about every aspect of his life that wasn't in this house and put it in storage, it appeared he didn't have many intentions on coming back anytime soon. "I can't lose them. If I go with him we can talk again and maybe I can change his mind that way before he does anything permanent, but this… it didn't work. I screwed up and I need to fix it, okay?"

A knock at the front startled her once more, and she turned and ripped the door open on its hinges as soon as she noticed that familiar outline on the porch again. This time there were two present as Henry and Frank were both standing there with slightly pensive guilty looks on their faces as if they were trying to coordinate a game plan they knew was not going to go over well.

"Come in," she sighed as she turned around and glared at Danny with a 'I know you called them and you're so dead' look and all three Reagan men knew to approach this situation with extreme caution as there was little doubt in any of their minds right now that Edit Janko had indeed inherited her mother's ability to take them all down in her heels without breaking a sweat.

"Eddie," Henry started in a predetermined order as she had an obvious soft spot for the older man and he intended to use that to his full advantage in an effort to accomplish their goal. "Sweetheart…"

"Don't," she warned as she cut him off, already knowing where this was headed. "Pop, I know what I promised, and I tried… I really did!" she turned around with her eyes flashing. "But it didn't work! I should have just listened to him… I will listen to him now, but I have to go in order to do that! I need to be with them… you have to understand!"

"Edit," Frank tried a more formal approach. "Do you trust me?"

"Frank, please… I do, but…"

"Trust me. Stay here and let me go. I swear to you I will tell him what your intentions are and if I can't bring them back, I'll have you out to them on the next flight possible. If you're there he'll never hear me and these are things that should have been said years ago. Please Eddie, give me a chance to talk to my boy. If he leaves now I might never get another, and he needs to know that this is one decision that's his to make alone."

###

9:20 am

Jamison Reagan waited... isolated on a row of seats in a back corner near a secluded window down the way from Gate 10 at the Laguardia airport, watching despondently as another round of heavy thunderstorms rolled through the area and dispatched wave after wave of thick rain across the runways. It was no surprise to him when a blinking line on one of the many omnipresent updating monitors indicated that their non-stop flight to San Diego was now delayed just before the first boarding calls would have been issued. It didn't matter though, he thought as he rested his chin on the top of Kaylin's head as she was snuggled up facing against him on his lap napping after their early-morning rise and shine to get breakfast at the hotel they had been staying. He had planned it well so they were ferried off to the airport to make it through security in a timely fashion after he secured his car at a long-term parking garage; their bags checked, and a carefully packed carry-on with ample toddler distractions sitting nearby. The only thing he hadn't anticipated was Kaylin dropping his phone in the lobby this morning and cracking the housing a little so that the charger wouldn't seat, but it still powered up so he could keep it off to conserve the battery and worry about replacing that later. There was only one thing that mattered anyway.

Eddie wasn't coming.

She would have been here by now, he admitted to himself finally as a heavy ripple of sadness rushed through him and he swallowed back the emotion before it could become apparent to everyone else. He second-guessed his decision to fly out for this interview for the thousandth time, but in the end he was left with the same unanswered dilemma of how to keep this little girl safe and his sanity intact here in New York with Jared Quinlan still on the loose and a family and now fiancée that had seemed to doubt his very ability to do just that… the family he could take, after all he'd faced that before his whole life… but when Eddie had apparently joined sides with them, it was just too much, and the last strike for the...

Toothpick versus armour… guess they were right all along and he finally snapped.

And they weren't alone, Sydney had been on target too, he mused… all those years ago now. She was right on the money when she had handed back that ring and walked off so she didn't have to witness it in person… that's the kind of faith he inspired in people.

Jamie was still sitting there with his back to the world quietly contemplating his own personal universe and its problems when he sensed, rather than heard, a familiar looming presence behind him. Perfect timing as always.

"How did you even get in here when you don't have a ticket?" he sighed without turning around and resolved himself to the answer… the same consistent expected damn answer to a question like that...

"I'm the Police Commissioner."

"Right, and how could I forget that?" Jamie asked but did not make eye contact as he continued to search the distance while Frank stepped around and took a seat quietly next to him in a move oddly reminiscent of all those talks they had shared on that bench at the pier. "Guess you probably ordered these storms to roll in and delay things, too."

"No, but you were expecting someone else, I take it," Frank edged in carefully as he longed to do nothing more than hug his hurting son and hold his granddaughter but he kept himself separate for now.

"More like hoping… she didn't come, so I guess that's my answer," Jamie choked out despite his resolve to conceal that grief and a few tears dared wash over to the corner of his eyes without spilling. Some things were just too big and couldn't be stuffed away in that box fast enough.

"No, son," Frank admitted. "She didn't come because she loves you so much that she's willing to risk everything… absolutely everything for you. She believes in you more than you could possibly understand, and she knows in her heart that this is not what will make you happy," he paused. "Jamie, she feels guilty that you were backed into a corner unfairly here."

"Then why isn't she here telling me that herself?"

"Because I asked her not to."

Jamie could do nothing more than laugh at the exquisite irony of that answer at first. "Here we go. I guess you are the ultimate puppet master now… there's nothing in my life that's off limits is there? What's next? Huh? Is it Kaylin? Am I gonna lose the ability to make decisions for her too? Just try it, Dad… you'll never see us ever again."

"Please," Frank sighed as he searched for the right approach. "Jamie… this is not that. I came here to apologize to you, because Eddie wasn't the one that backed you into this corner… I did, and it started before you were ever born."

"We don't need to go down that road again, Dad. It's old news."

"I have regrets, son," Frank admitted as he watched a renewed storm cell blaze with erratic bursts of lightning across the tarmac and the resulting heavy claps of thunder caused the lights in the building to flicker while Kaylin stirred and switched her face to the other side of Jamie's chest although she remained asleep, feeling safe and protected in her father's arms. The same could not be said for his own child right now.

"Did you ever regret what we do… what it meant for your children?" Jamie asked on another tack as he thanked God once more for the little girl's presence in his life; she was the only one holding him together right now. "Mom did."

"Yes of course," Frank admitted as he flashed back to those thoughts he'd had when Joe had died and just last week when Baker had rushed into the room and told him that Jamie had been shot in that RMP and was likely. "Many times, especially when one of you were hurt by something… when we lost Joe… last week when I thought we had lost you."

"Then maybe she was right… about that after all… about me."

"Jamie... you know," Frank sighed. "When you decided to give up the law and become a cop as I told you once before… I was... disappointed. You knew how much your mom wanted to keep you out of the family business, and... I felt that... the least I could do was see that Mary's wish was honored. But as I said before it wasn't my decision to make," he paused and choked up. "And it wasn't your mom's, but what I never told you was my biggest regret is the fact that we did try to make that choice for you at a terrible cost… it wasn't right what happened and I know that… I just couldn't go against her wishes, Jamie… at the time I wasn't thinking straight and my heart was breaking with losing her, but if I had realized the price that you would continue to pay all these years later… I should have known," he finished nodding and pursing his lips as he leaned his elbows on his knees and stared at the cracks in the floor. "She truly believed that she had enough time to explain and make it right with you... we thought we had the time... Jamie, your mom never intended to let things end like that. She was so proud of you… you were her lifeline after some very dark days before you came to us… she battled a terrible depression after she lost those two pregnancies and we were told there would be no more, and then you came to her like a gift from God..."

"A fragile gift," Jamie finally whispered as his eyes hit the floor once more.

"No," Frank responded adamantly as he dared take his first glance over at Jamie's face to see that the tears had indeed finally fought their way out of his heart and were falling on his little sleeping girl's pigtails. "That's what we allowed ourselves to think, and you made it easy because you wanted to please us more than the others and you were so smart and perceptive for a little boy, but in truth you were the strongest from the start… you made it when others didn't, but now… now it's time for you to stop carrying that feeling, son, and time for all of us to admit we were wrong for asking you to do it."

"Dr. Meherin says I'm angry because I never got the chance to tell Mom something in the end," Jamie admitted softly. "That I had that chance taken away from me… that I hated her because I never got to say…" he closed up and could not continue.

"What was it Jamie?" Frank prodded with a breaking heart as he relived that tragic night once more and cursed himself for the enduring pain it had caused. "Please tell me now, I'm so sorry that I never asked to listen before…"

"I was quitting," his youngest finally revealed in a breaking whisper. "All those years it had taken me to work up the courage to tell the both of you… I was planning on quitting law at the end of that term and coming home to apply for the academy…" he sniffed. "Joe had already helped me. He was the only one that believed…" he sobbed silently. "And then Mom was gone and I couldn't go through with it… she made Joe promise to see me through Harvard and I couldn't bring myself to do it until he was gone too because I couldn't go against him either…"

"Don't be angry with your mother anymore," Frank begged as he was glad they were having this overdue talk away from the general mix of people milling around the terminal since his emotions were on his sleeve as well. "Please don't hate her for that, not Mary… she only had love in her heart for you after the other pain she had to bear, and I put so much of that on her myself with what she saw me face on the job; I wasn't there for her like I should have been. Let that go, son, please forgive her for that… be angry at me. I'm the one that allowed this to go on since the beginning and beyond her… I saw what was happening and never stepped in, she didn't even realize what she was doing, not until it was too late… I should have never kept that news away from you, but I did because I think I wanted to keep you safe as well. You're so much like her… it was like holding a piece of Mary close to me…"

"I don't think I can forgive," Jamie breathed as Frank's heart fell at that revelation. "All these years… Dr. Meherin is wrong. I never hated mom, and I don't hate you, Dad," Jamie revealed. "It was me… I hated myself for not being good enough to be a real Reagan… you were all Marines and cops. I was a weak bookworm that fell down the stairs all the time, let myself get beat up and didn't fight back."

"Jamie… no!" Frank gasped as he realized the true toll all of this had taken… what they had rooted in him all those years ago had taken hold and the boy believed that it was his own fault, that he was weak… and now his father might be too late his efforts to weed it out before it poisoned things again.

"Maybe I was never strong enough to stand up for myself," Jamie continued as the stress of the last few weeks and the heartache of Eddie not showing up had taken a heavy penalty, and even though he could hear what his father was trying to tell him, there just wasn't room for that final piece to fall into place yet. "I shouldn't have waited so long to tell you in the first place or none of this would have happened, 'cause Danny would have never done that… and now with the way I've screwed things up with Eddie. I tried to do the same thing that mom did to me… to make the decision for her because it would be easier for me if she and Kaylin were away from here and safe. I'm no better than anyone else, and right now I just don't feel like I have any fight left in me, Dad…"

"Jamie, you're just exhausted, son… anyone would be with what you've gone through the past few weeks..."

"This shooter, I'm so scared for them I can't sleep at night when I'm in that house," Jamie continued. "If anything happened to either… too many times… being a lawyer would just be easier… I don't think I can take anymore. And maybe Eddie should stay a Janko… look at what being a Reagan has brought to me and now Kaylin too… if our name was Smith none of this would be happening… nothing would have been in the papers and they would be safe. Lieutenant Carson and that jogger would be alive and Rodgers would be walking."

Frank Reagan had to sadly admit that the boy sitting before him had taken an emotional beat down over the course of his short life with heavy personal losses with whoever he had been closest to… Mary, Joe, Vinny… indeed if anything would happen to Eddie or Kaylin...

"Please don't doubt yourself now, son," Frank begged. "You're talking crap, and I know I've put that on you too… I was trying to fix this... what happened with your mother when I asked Renzulli to pull your badge… I wanted you to be mad at me so this all finally came out and you didn't push it away again, but I had no idea it was going to wind up being about this man coming after you and…" the name could not be said as the precious little girl was lying there aside of him and it drove a stake straight through his heart to think that she was in any danger as well. "It's the same, Jamie. I keep finding myself trying to protect you when I know you're strong enough to do it yourself. That's my problem and one I intend to address. You'll have your badge back now and we will find him as a family… all of us, and keep you, Eddie and Kaylin safe in the meantime… you have my word. Don't walk away from what and who you love over this."

"I'm so tired though, Dad…" Jamie admitted as he closed his eyes and slouched back. "As soon as something good happens, something bad is right around the corner… just like Nicki said."

"You are holding what's good, Jamie," Frank offered as he could see the conflict radiating off of his son as the part that wanted to stay battled with the part that felt it had no choice but to go. Still there was so much that Jamie had accomplished that perhaps he wasn't seeing... "Why is it you find it so hard to take credit for the good you have done, and so easy to accept the guilt for the bad in others' hearts? Suppose you had never taken Kaylin in, she would be with that man, is that a better option in your opinion? What about the EDP commission you've set up that has already saved lives and is catching the eye of people in Washington, or the injured and disabled cops you helped in the Denison investigation? And that's all despite the roadblocks that have been put up in your way."

"I don't know," Jamie admitted as no matter what his father had to say now, there was one enormous hole that would never be filled unless there was a certain blond-haired firecracker in it... "Maybe it's already too late. I really messed up with Eddie, Dad."

"For the two of you? Never," Frank assured as he sensed a slight shift in attitude and that just maybe he had the opportunity here finally to turn the boy around. "Trust me, it took everything Pop had to keep her from leaving this morning. She was coming with you, son… she was packed and ready to give up everything for you, but she stayed back so you could step out of the corner we all painted you into... to give you the choice to stay or go on your own now. I promised her if you decided to leave that I would have her on the next flight out to you. Search your heart, Jamie… what is it that you want to do?" he asked but no answer was forthcoming as an announcement interrupted their conversation.

"Good morning passengers. This is the pre-boarding announcement for United flight 716 from Laguardia to San Diego. Our apologies for the brief weather delay, but the storm has now lifted and our aircraft is approaching the gate. We will be inviting passengers with small children and any passengers requiring special assistance to come forward and begin boarding first in just a few minutes."

"That's us," Jamie admitted as his decision was made with the knowledge that Eddie had been willing to follow him and he sat up at last to look Frank in the eye while his father's heart sank with the next words as it became apparent it wasn't the choice he had been praying for. "We've got to go, and I'm sorry Dad, but I don't have a lot of time to explain why. I'll call you and Eddie just as soon as I can."

"Son, see this thing out with Quinlan here," Frank begged as Kaylin woke up with the movement and smiled at him excitedly after rubbing her eyes. "I promise you I will do my best to get over my own shortcomings, but if you can't trust that after all this time… I'll understand."

"I know," Jamie sighed as he handed the little girl over to her grandfather for a hug goodbye. "And I'll talk to you a little bit later, okay? But there's something I need to do for myself first and it has to be now."

"I just want you to be happy… be it a cop, lawyer or… well anything but a smoke eater, okay? I love you Jamison Reagan… but I couldn't deal with that."

"Anything but, I promise," Jamie conceded with a small smirk as they stood up and Frank pulled him in by the back of the neck for a long hug which was thankfully reciprocated. "I love ya, Dad, but sweetness and I… we've really gotta go before it's too late."

"Bye-bye my sweet baby," Frank whispered and kissed Kaylin's cheek, his heart torn about handing his granddaughter over as he watched Jamie hurry towards the gate with his tickets and her in hand, before slowly turning away himself to go back to Bay Ridge and deliver the sad, almost incomprehensible news as he was unable to stay and watch that plane take off.

He had failed them all. Jamison and Kaylin Elizabeth Reagan were really gone.

Next, Frank returns to the house to report the news of their departure to a stunned Eddie and his very unhappy father while Jamie and Kaylin arrive at their destination hoping to change the course of events that led them there. The next chapter is one of my personal favorites from the whole story!

Also, there's been a lot of speculation in the reviews and PMs on the "fatal consequences" in the note from chapter 35 from a number of you - I love the interaction, but don't want to mislead, perhaps Reagan family "umbrella" is a better word than circle although I consider the affected to be close. I will confirm there are at least 2 characters that will be no more when this one is over, and whose deaths might impact certain persons greatly both now and into the next story.