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Author's Note: Sorry about the slight delay. I strained my right biceps and was restricted from typing for awhile. This is my first attempt to type out a chapter so wish me luck that it doesn't make the muscle hurt worse for a bit. Thank you for all your reviews, they mean a lot to me. For those of you trying to keep track, this chapter starts on a Monday and ends on a Wednesday of the same week, the day before St Patrick's Day. I say this because it's a big week, and when spread out over several chapters sometimes it's hard to remember that it's really a very short span of lapsed time. Enjoy!
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Chapter Seventy-Six
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Conversations
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How she managed to get through Sunday Buffy didn't know. A dozen times she wanted to call Spike to come and take Alfie away but she stayed strong and pushed through. She was even able to juggle the doll during her visit with Katie by making it a game to play with the little girl although there was a difficult moment when both her real baby and the fake one needed her attention at the same time. Of course she chose Katie and if that counted against her she would live with it. She had turned in the doll first thing Monday morning and was happy to be rid of the thing. She was supposed to go to ILP tonight but no power on this earth was going to make that happen when there was a bed at home waiting for her. Right now all she wanted in the world was to get through Monday's classes and then Spike would drive her home and she would sleep forever and ever...
"Ms Kendall. Mr West. You have registered four instances of crying over thirty minutes and disconnected the battery altogether during the last twenty four hours."
"You can tell all that from that little piece of paper?" Harmony smiled nervously.
"You have failed the assignment."
"Failed?! But we did it mostly!" She glanced at her partner, who shrugged disinterestedly.
"Ms Kendall, you actually killed your assigned child yesterday. And that is a fail," Dr Walsh informed the confused girl.
"What does that mean?" Harmony asked worriedly.
"Don't ever have children," Dr Walsh ordered her curtly and moved on to the next student team's printout.
Spike watched as Buffy all but nodded off in her chair and felt a stab of guilt for his lack of participation in the assignment. If he had taken care of Alfie on Sunday she wouldn't be so tired. But she would barely permit him to hold the damn doll much less take it home with him. He should have insisted.
When it was time for Spike and Buffy's printout he was pleased to see that it was one of the better results in the class. Buffy closed her eyes with a whispered 'yes!' and he had to nudge her to wake her up again when she immediately fell asleep.
"One more class, luv, then we'll get you in bed," he leaned over and whispered in her ear when Walsh's back was turned.
Bed. She was going to talk to Willow about something…
Spike nudged her again.
"Awake! I'm awake." She sat up straighter and gave him a bleary smile.
He gave her hand a little squeeze across the aisle. She was exhausted but her spirits seemed to be okay. Perhaps -- he hoped -- she wouldn't miss Alfie too much.
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"Friday is the third month anniversary of our fist kiss," Buffy explained to Willow the next day after school. "That would be a good time, don't you think?"
"Time?" She watched Buffy widen her eyes expectantly. "Oh! Time!" She nodded excitedly. "That would be so totally romantic! So you're sure?"
Buffy grinned at Willow's vicarious excitement over her announcement. "Yeah, I'm sure." The words now spoken, she realized how much that was really true. She sat back against the headboard where they sat alone in her bedroom and continued. "But I don't wanna just say 'let's do it now' or something. I want him to want to do it first."
"I'm pretty sure he wants to do it," Willow noted wryly. "He's probably wanted to do it for awhile now."
"Yeah, but I want it to be special. Like you and Oz. A whole date and everything, and not just in his messy room or the back of his car."
Willow gave her friend a patient smile. "So tell him."
"It's embarrassing."
"Why? You love each other. You both want this," she considered her best friend. She was such a mix of daring confidence and timid embarrassment.
"It's not like you and Oz, though. You've been together for more than a year. You're like, married or something," Buffy tried to explain, but Willow just stared at her as though she were crazed.
"Buffy. My friend. If you love each other and are ready, you should be able to talk about it," she took an almost parental tone. "I'm sure Spike isn't gonna just jump you the minute you bring it up. He'll make it special for you."
Buffy nodded and sighed, "You're right. He's Spike. He'll make it right. Hey that rhymes!" She smiled brightly.
Willow just shook her head and smiled at her best friend, and the two girls set to working out the when and the where of Buffy's talk with Spike about it.
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They were just going over Buffy's wardrobe when John came into her bedroom, clearly intending to shoot the breeze. Willow thought that he seemed to bring himself up short when he saw her standing there also, and he left rather quickly. She had the feeling once more that John's motives were less than pure and immediately regretted not speaking to Buffy about him more seriously earlier in the year when she first thought to do so. If not now, then when?
She shut the bedroom door with care as she watched Buffy hold up a silky halter dress and view herself in the mirror.
"Um, Buffy," she approached her with hesitation. "How's it going with you and the Smith's lately?"
"Fine," she responded distractedly as she hung the dress back and searched again through the hangers in her closet for the right outfit.
"And… John?" She left the question hang there as Buffy stopped her search and turned to face her.
"What about him?" Buffy responded warily.
"Look, it's none of my business, I know this," Willow plunged ahead. "But he seems…kinda…close." She paused and watched Buffy narrow her eyes in question. "Too close? I mean, nothing you do at all, not you 'too close' but he seems like he's kinda closer than he might-should be in a fatherly kind of way that's not really fatherly, you know?"
Buffy just stared at her for a long time, saying nothing. Willow was just about to backtrack and apologize for interfering when Buffy walked over to her bed and sat down heavily.
"You think so?" she stared at the skirt she held in her hands then looked up when Willow remained silent.
Willow sat down beside her and nodded. "I've thought so for awhile but I didn't know how to tell you. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be nosy or anything but he gives me the creeps and I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I'd never forgive myself if I could have said something and didn't…"
Buffy shook her head and gave her friend a rueful little smile. "It's okay. I just didn't know it was so obvious. Not that he's done anything!" she quickly added. "But it's kinda like living in a 'very special episode' around here lately and really, it's exhausting trying to stay out of everyone's way all the time. They're both so weird all the time. He's all too-friendly and touchy and she's all silent and mean. I just try to avoid both of them as much as I can. Stupid Harmony's family."
Shocked, Willow didn't know what to say. Buffy had never confided so much about her home life to her before, and it was worse than she realized. "That's awful. I'm so sorry…How…I mean, what are you gonna do? You can't live like this."
Buffy turned toward Willow with a vigorous shake of her head. "No, no, it's all under control. I'm fine here, really. I can take care of myself." Taking hold of Willow's hands she insisted, "You can't tell anyone about this, Will. No one. Not Xander. Not Spike. Not even Oz."
Willow started to demur and Buffy cut her off. "I mean it, Will. I only have a little time left here and I just have to get through until April twelfth when I have my hearing and then they'll give Katie back to me and place us both somewhere else together again. It's just a few weeks, that's all. I can do four weeks more, easy. No problem at all."
Willow looked doubtful. "Why can't you tell Spike what's happening? He could help you. "
Alarmed, Buffy shook her head forcefully. "Especially not Spike! He'd totally overreact and get all protective boyfriend guy and I can't deal with that and come home to all this too. Please Willow. You can't tell anyone. I can't rock the boat, not now, not after everything I've done to get to this point. I almost have her back."
Willow looked in the eyes of her anxious best friend and couldn't deny her the silence she so desperately sought. With serious reservations, she nodded a promise to remain silent. But she didn't like it.
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Buffy saw Willow to the door and then followed the delicious aroma of fried chicken into the kitchen where dinner was being prepared. Surprisingly, it was just John and a bucket of take out being set out upon the table there. No Rosemary.
"Rosemary went to her parents' house for dinner tonight," he answered her unspoken question. "It's Harmony's birthday so they're having a little family dinner for her." John smiled as he watched Buffy approach the table.
"Why didn't you go, too?"
"I thought we could use a break for a change, and Harmony never really liked me anyway. I won't be missed." He gestured toward the food. "Come. Eat. Keep me company tonight."
Buffy thought he sounded rather lonely standing there next to his bucket of chicken, and she was pretty hungry all of a sudden. She smiled at him and seated herself at the opposite side of the table and helped herself to a leg. "Looks good."
He nodded as he loaded his plate with food. They ate in silence for a few minutes before he startled her by stating matter-of-factly, "Rosemary's been quite the bitch lately, don't you think?"
She didn't know what to say. He'd called his wife a bitch, which was quite true, but Buffy knew better than to agree with him so she just shrugged noncommittally and snatched some fries, hoping he'd drop the subject. She had lots of opinions on Rosemary but didn't want to offend him by offering any of them.
"I hate when she gets like this. It seems like we just fight all the time now."
"Seems like," Buffy responded quietly and chewed on another fry.
"We don't just talk anymore, you know? Not like you and I do. It's like she doesn't even want to be with me anymore."
He wasn't really eating, he was watching her eat. It made her nervous and she wished he would just shut up and eat his dinner. The whole subject made her very uncomfortable and she didn't know what to do about it.
"She's not the woman I married, you know? When I met her she was a lot like you. Young, cheerful, full of life…" he stared longingly at the girl seated across from him. "Beautiful."
Buffy almost choked on her drink at the unexpected turn in the conversation. This was dangerous territory. Without looking at him, she tried to deflect him with something inconsequential. "This chicken's really good. New place?"
John just stared at her and said nothing. She could feel his eyes boring into her, sizing her up. A quick glance caught him out, raking his eyes over her body. She knew that look; it was filled with lust and desire and hope. She realized suddenly that her hands had begun to tremble. Her appetite gone, she pushed her plate away and made to get up and leave the table.
That roused him to action and he grabbed her arm as she tried to walk past him toward the stairs. "Buffy, please. Don't go," the words were a plea but came out as a command. "I don't want to eat alone. Neither one of us needs to be alone…"
She twisted out of his grasp and turned on him. "I'm not… Look, I'm sorry, I'm so tired, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. The chicken, it's just… I have to go."
"Buffy wait!"
She fled upstairs and locked herself in her bathroom, uncertain whether he would pursue her or not. If he did, she would just pretend to be sick until he went away. It wasn't a great plan but it was the only one she had.
Just four more weeks.
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Buffy sat in Creative Writing staring listlessly out of the window, contemplating the events of the evening before.
John had followed her upstairs last night and had almost gone as far as unlocking the bathroom door from the outside, just to make sure she was alright. Those were his words - just to make sure she was alright - but she was certain it wasn't his real meaning. With a few well timed vomiting sounds and a flush she managed to talk him out of it. She turned on the faucet in the bath. She wanted to bathe and go to bed early - she was just tired from the doll experiment, she had lied artlessly. He seemed unconvinced but finally he left her alone.
For the first time she felt like she really was in over her head in that house. But she had no where else to go and could not afford to make waves right now. Four weeks had never seemed like it was that long until today. She thought back on all her assurances to Willow the day before about how she had it all under control and shook her head in dismay at how quickly it had all turned on her. She was no longer completely sure that she could handle this alone. And yet she felt she had no choice.
She wanted so much to talk to Spike about this, to find comfort in his embrace and the strength of his arms. With his strength she could endure until her hearing, she was sure of it. She was beginning to think that if she trusted him enough to sleep with him she should trust him enough to hold her secrets safe. Even messy upsetting secrets like this one. Part of her knew it was a bad idea to tell him, that he couldn't handle it, but another part just wanted him to hold her and assure her that she would be okay in spite of everything going on in her life right now. She so desperately wanted to hear that from him, and to believe it to be true.
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"You're awful quiet," he turned to her once they got in his car, still parked in the school lot at the end of classes for the day.
"Just thinking about our date tomorrow night," she lied with a small smile.
His eyes narrowed in concern; he wasn't fooled. "You look like somebody killed your puppy and we haven't even gone out yet. I hope I inspire more confidence than that, luv." He pulled her over to sit closer to him on the bench seat. "Now then, what's really wrong?"
"Nothing," she looked up at him with wide eyes. "St Patrick's Day tomorrow. Always makes me kinda sad. It's all green, people pinching each other. Plus, leprechauns are kinda creepy, don't you think?"
He was having none of it. Shaking his head he leaned back and looked her straight in the eyes. "Buffy," he demanded sternly. "What's wrong?"
She sighed unhappily. She needed to do this. "Promise you'll stay calm."
He stilled, every muscle in his body on edge. "Calm. Okay, luv. I'm calm."
She watched him carefully. He was the tensest calm man she had ever seen. But she had committed herself now, and she had to go forward and confide in him. If she were honest, she really wanted to confide in him now, even if he did seem a little edgy. She needed him to talk to about this, she couldn't just keep it all inside anymore. Perhaps if she talked around it a bit, didn't tell him everything, it would go down easier.
"Things haven't been all that good at home lately," she hesitated, then continued when he remained silent. "Rosemary hates me and barely comes downstairs any more, and John…well, John…"
"Yeah?" he asked warily. He had a bad feeling about where this was going.
"He hasn't done anything, really," she hurried to explain. "But he's there, you know, all the time. And it's kind of uncomfortable, the way he talks to me, like we're friends or something. Since we're not friends, you know? We're not like that."
Spike curled his fists and reined in his temper. "What has he done that's got you so spooked? He's done something. You aren't upset because he's suddenly started talking to you about baseball, yeah?" This last was said with some venom. He was losing the battle to keep his temper in check. "He's tried something with you, yeah?"
"No! I mean, not really. Nothing really major," she fumbled for the right words. She wanted his support not his outrage and she was walking a thin line here. "It's just with Rosemary so sick and upstairs and all he's been spending more time with me, and he gets lonely and wants to talk to someone and sometimes he talks to me and it's just really weird." She bit her lower lip worriedly. "You know. Sometimes," she finished lamely. She kept her eyes on her hands twisting in her lap, and waited for his reaction.
The silence was killing her. She gathered her courage and looked up at him to gauge his reaction. He was quiet. He was calm. His jaw was doing that ticking thing. Oh, this was not good.
"Spike?" she attempted to draw him out. "I don't want you to get all upset and worried or anything, it's really not that big a deal. I shouldn't have mentioned it. It's nothing. Really."
He shook his head in what was becoming apparent to Buffy was a controlled rage. "That bloody wanker, I'll kill him," he swore angrily. "Dare to touch you…"
"No!" Buffy sat up straighter, panicked. "No, Spike, no! He didn't touch me, it wasn't like that. Please, don't do anything! I just wanted to talk about it, like I promised you I'd tell you if I needed you but I just wanted to talk to you, please don't do anything, please, please don't ruin this for me…" She was frantic in her desperation to back him away from taking action on her behalf.
He just kept shaking his head and pulled further away from her on the seat. He couldn't stay in the car any longer, he needed to pace, release this anger that boiled up inside of him. The thought of that bastard even thinking about touching his girl infuriated him; he was barely rational. He jerked the door open and lunged out of the car, pacing angrily the length of the DeSoto.
Buffy was crestfallen. She had expected him to be upset but the reality of it was overwhelming her. She just wanted to talk to him, not deal with his anger. She got out of the car and tried to stop his furious pacing to reason with him.
"Spike, please, you're making a scene and it's not that bad, really it's not!" She pleaded with him to stop moving and come back in the car again but he just shook her off and continued pacing and swearing and raining all manner of British curses down upon her foster father's head.
But that was exactly the wrong thing to do: shaking her off had the effect of shaking her awake as well, and her anger rose. Who was he to make a scene and shake her off like she had no say in what happened in her own life? This was her problem and her life and she just wanted him to support her not take over and make her feel even worse and her life more out of control. This wasn't his battle and he should respect her more than this. She regretted confiding in him at all.
Furious now, she stood before him to stop him pacing and used her outstretched hands to push him back, to stop his angry circuit. He stopped, but not before he shot her an angry look that took her by surprise. She hadn't been expecting him to direct his rage her way.
All he could see was red, he was so mad at that bastard for making her life even harder than it already was. And that he would touch her, make her feel unsafe with him? She was his girl, and that wanker had no right to touch what was his. That was unforgivable and he would pay for it dearly. He didn't yet know how but he would pay for it. He was so lost in his own angry internal diatribe that he did not really register where Buffy stood and was startled when she angrily pushed him back and stopped his pacing. In a split second of thoughtlessness he reacted in anger to being thwarted and shot her an angry glare.
He watched her face and saw anger there as well. Angry with him. Was she defending the wanker now? Bloody brilliant, that. She had no idea what men were like, what an old codger like John could do to her once he had his sights on her. That last seemed wrong somehow but he was beyond rational thinking now, he'd let his fury take over completely and was operating on pure male protectiveness and testosterone. He would not let anyone stop him from protecting her. Not even her.
"Don't you bloody defend him," he snarled. "He deserves whatever he gets, and more. And I'm gonna make sure he gets it!"
"Stop it! I told you I just have to wait a little longer there and I'm done. Don't make trouble for me just because you have to prove you're some big man gonna take care of the poor little girl! I'm not a weak little girl and I can take care of myself! I don't need you to do anything but listen to me! I just wanted to talk to you about it!" She wanted to scream but kids were looking their way and she didn't want to air her business in the parking lot like this. She realized too late that she should have waited until they left school to have this discussion.
He was beyond reason now and would not get back in the car with her. She tried to take his hand and lead him inside but he pulled away and stared at her like she was a madwoman.
"Listen to you! Just listen to you!? You tell me this and you think I can just sit there and listen to you!?" he shouted.
"Shh, people are staring!" she tried again to get him into the car, but he would not.
He looked about him a moment and lowered his voice a notch. "I love you. I can't just sit here and listen to you tell me that that wanker is molesting you and do nothing!! How do you not see that!?"
She folded her arms over her chest and glared back at him. "He's not… doing that… He just makes me uncomfortable and I can handle him just fine. I'm sorry I mentioned it. Just forget it!"
He gaped at her in astonishment. "Forget it!?"
"Yeah, Spike. Forget it!" She pulled her bag out of his car and marched back inside the school building without looking back.
Too upset to follow, he just watched her disappear inside.
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"Buffy, please calm down. It can't be that bad," Willow pleaded with the crying girl in the bathroom stall.
Buffy had run into Willow, Oz, and Xander on her way back inside and suddenly her anger turned to tears and she dove for the nearest girls' restroom. With a confused shrug to her boyfriend, Willow had followed her.
"What happened? Did you have a fight?" Willow wanted to help but she had nothing to work with here.
Finally Buffy emerged from the stall, eyes red and puffy although the tears had slowed considerably. "Boys are stupid," she pronounced grumpily and blew her nose.
Grasping for information, Willow asked, "He turned you down?"
"What?" Buffy splashed cold water on her face and watched her friend through the mirror.
"Did you tell him you want to…you know? And he turned you down?" Willow thought it unlikely but this level of conflict and hurt would track with such a conversation.
Buffy was astonished at the question. "No, of course not. I didn't even talk to him yet. That's tomorrow night, remember?"
"Oh, right. Well what then? I know boys are dumb but exactly how dumb was he?"
"Very very dumb," she bit out. "I tried to talk to him about how I felt about John and Rosemary, the way they are at home, and he jumped to the wild conclusion that John's molesting me or something and he's completely gone off the rails out there, pacing and yelling and threatening to hurt him and all I wanted to do was talk to him and now he's gonna make it into some huge thing and mess up my last few weeks at the Smith's house and get me into trouble!" She ended with a fresh spate of angry tears.
Willow was confused. "You said last night you weren't going to tell Spike…Wait. Did John do something last night?" She moved to put her arm around her friend's shoulders in support. "Did something change?"
Quietened, Buffy softly confided to Willow the events of the prior evening.
"Well, I guess that's why Spike went nutso on you. I mean, he's gonna react to that, right?" Willow suggested calmly.
"I never even got that far!" Buffy complained. "I barely told him anything at all and this is what I get!" She was increasing in volume again. "I just wanted to tell him how it was, is all. I didn't want him to go all cavemanly on me."
"He loves you," Willow said reasonably. "He just wants you to be safe. He'll calm down and you'll be able to talk about it. You'll see." She hoped. "He just gets all worked up in the beginning, but he'll come around."
"Will he?" Buffy asked hopefully.
"Sure, he'll be fine. Just you wait and see," Willow pronounced with much more confidence than she felt. "Let's get your face cleaned up and then Oz and I will take you home."
She watched Buffy's face crumple. "To my house," she corrected.
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Oz and Xander headed outside to where they could see Spike leaning against his car staring angrily at the ground.
"What happened?" Xander ventured when they got close enough to speak confidentially to their fuming friend.
Spike was the picture of righteous anger. "She doesn't feel safe in her own home, she says."
"So you yelled at her," Oz responded mildly. "Interesting."
Xander nodded agreeably. "Yeah. I can't imagine why that didn't work out for you."
Spike just glared unhappily at his friends, although he had calmed down enough now to realize that his furious rantings were probably not the wisest response he could have offered.
"Willow's with her," Xander informed him. "She'll be okay."
"Can you take her home?" Spike asked Oz as he stared at the school building where Buffy had disappeared.
"Sure."
Spike started to turn away then looked over to Oz. "No, not home. To Willow's, yeah?"
Oz considered him for a moment, then nodded.
"Where you goin'?" Xander asked with some concern. "You're not gonna do something stupid, are you?"
Spike walked around to the driver's side of his car and turned to Xander with a shake of his head. "No. Just make it worse, won't I?" He got in his car and revved the engine before tearing out of the parking lot.
He didn't want to admit it to his friends but Buffy was right. He wanted to think he was the big strong man taking care of his girl but in reality he was just a guy who had to stand aside and watch her deal with impossible situations as best she could by herself. So far the only thing he had accomplished was making her cry even more.
When all was said and done, he was bloody useless.
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Hope you're still with me. Please leave a review if you can. Thanks.
Sara