Title: Facing Forward
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law&Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Jack, Benji and Emmy have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: Brian Cassidy and Olivia Benson attempt to cope with his past abuse while trying to maintain their relationship and raise their family. This set of chapters is set in the aftermath of the S20E16 (Facing Demons). The story is also set in the Hello, Goodbye and Welcome Home AU.
Olivia heard the television going as she came into the house. But even though she knew the quiet alarm alerting that the door had been open would've beeped – and the door opening and closing itself had likely been heard – there was no greeting called out at her. She silently hoped that maybe that meant that Brian had fallen asleep in front of the TV – but it was still a little early for that to have ever happened. So she knew it was more likely that one of the kids had been up and he was upstairs trying to get them to settle again – having left the TV on as he went for what could range from a few minutes to a few hours to the rest of the night.
But as she finished hanging up her coat and stepped through the vestibule and into the living quarters of their home, she saw the real nature of the situation. Brian was still on the couch with the TV on – but Emily was passed out on top of him. In typical Emmy form. A square pillow on Brian's knees. Their daughter's head near face-planted into it and her knees pulled up under her – her ass stuck up in the air with her PJ top riding down her back and her PJ bottoms riding down revealing the crack of dawn that with Emmy in their life – they seemed to get to see every single day in every single way. Sleeping in was no in her vocabulary. But it wasn't in Daddy's either so it usually worked out.
It made Olivia smile, though. It was so their Little Duck. Ever since she was a baby she'd resisted naps. It was this weird balance of absolutely hating them and yet when she did fall asleep she could fall asleep anywhere in near any position. Usually because she fought off sleep until she did exactly the kind of face plant she was in. They had more than a few photos of her passed out in her high chair and at the dining room table with her face planted against her plate. Pasta sauce everywhere. Others like this pose where she nearly – finally – fell asleep mid-crawl while she was playing. Just downward dog in the middle of the living room next to whatever toy she'd been dragging around the floor. There was a humour to it. But there was also a sadness. Hints of what being in the system – in foster care and a children's home even as an infant for those first eight, nine months of her life – had done to their child. Coping mechanisms and insecurities ingrained in them from birth. Habits and temperaments all mixed together to make up this beautiful, flawed little person that was theirs.
That was just Emmy. Their little girl. But it was also a strong sign that Brian was having a bit of a night with them. A stronger sign that he was still in his shirt and tie at that time of night and had a beer in hand while he stared at the TV screen. A nature documentary. The latest and greatest one that the kids were transfixed by. The one that had only been available for less than a month – and she was pretty sure they'd worked through it at least three times already.
Brian gave her a little glance, scrubbing at his tired face. And she gave him a thin smile, trudging over too. Olivia leaned in, meeting him for brief pecks against their mutual cheeks, more the feeling of the touching of the skin on their faces – his soft but stubbly with his five o'clock shadow and that short beard that was little more than scruff he'd settled sporting lately but that she liked on him. There was a quiet refinement and maturity to it while still highlighting the boyish good looks that Brian had … in the right light. Or maybe more in her mind's eye. The way she still always saw him even when she was sitting with the man who was pushing 50 just like her.
She settled onto the couch, next to Emmy, tucking her own legs under her. Brian and her shared a little smile about the latest sleeping position of their daughter.
"At least her feet aren't in your face," Olivia said quietly. "Or ribs. Or armpit."
He made a little sound, as he took a swig out of his beer. "Give it time," he said and nodded his chin in the direction of the stairs. "Ben's passed out in our bed."
"Mmm …," she allowed. "Going to be that kind of night …"
Not exactly a surprise. It'd been that kind of night more nights than not for the past … six weeks. They were getting to the point that they might have to resort to trying to wedge a king-sized mattress into their New York-sized master suite. Growing kids with all kinds of anxieties piling into Mommy and Daddy's bed almost nightly lately wasn't doing much of anything for anyone's sleep or temperament. Especially not Mommy and Daddy with sharp little heels and elbows ramming into them and feet kicking them in all kinds of uncomfortable places. Getting comfort and security from their parents might be helping Benji and Emmy settle at night – but it wasn't helping her and Brian. It'd meant that they'd eventually got up most nights and spent part of it down here. Or one of them – usually her – would end up catching a few uncomfortable winks on Emmy's bottom bunk. Twin-sized 'big girl' beds were not made for middle-aged, adult woman bodies and backs.
"Gave Cap and Eileen a real run for their money," Brian said. "Don't know they'll be volunteering bedtime babysitting hours again for a while."
Olivia allowed a weak smile at that and reached to tug down the back of Emmy's shirt and to try to tug up the back of her riding down bottoms. Her positioning only made it work so well, so instead she reached and drew down the blanket from behind her head and draped it over their little girl, tucking it in around her heaped body.
"Wouldn't go down for them?" Olivia asked – but stated the obvious.
"Determined to stay up until we were both home," he provided.
Olivia made a sound and gave a little eye roll. That was the usual too. But she again knew where that came from. Past scares and a whole lot of abandonment issues. It was hard to leave their kids alone – with a changed schedule and routine – for any length of time. It never went particularly well. About the only people they could really get away with doing it with were Jack and Janet. The Captain and Eileen – as familiar and as loved as they were – were still enough of a shift in the routine that it always took a while. It was like this every summer. By the fall the kids would be comfortable with being left hours – or overnights – with them again. But that would be just in time for them to play Snowbird again and then so would begin the cycle once again.
"How long have you been home?" Olivia asked.
Brian twisted his arm to stare at his watch and he shrugged. "Almost an hour."
She allowed a little nod at that. And gave him a thin smile, reaching and touching at that scruffy cheek. He had it the perfect length right now. It was so soft and downy. She loved the feel of it. Even though there were all kinds of salt-and-pepper – it added to the maturity in him she'd watched over the years. Brian had a quiet dignity to him – even in his more undignified moments. Handsome in his grizzled.
"It sounded like you were having a rough day?" she said.
He made a little sound and took another tug of his beer, lulling his head back on the couch and staring at the swimming narwhals – waiting for their crack in the ice. (They'd seen this episode more than three times – obviously. This one might as well be on never-ending repeat). But then his head lulled back toward her.
"Sometimes this gig," he shook his head at her. "If being a cop in New York City doesn't jade you about any notion of justice, this gig … our 'justice system'. All fucking politics …"
"I hear you …," she allowed and rested her elbow on the back of the couch, propping her head against it and staring at him.
Brian took another swig of his beer. "Just a shit storm from all sides today. Tornado. Those files I had to hand off to Lindsay – Chicago – to get cleaned up. Hitting the fan right now. Had her on the line."
"Yea?" she allowed and played a bit with the hair on the back of his next, while her eyes moved between his tired eyes, their sleeping little girl who slept anywhere and through anything when she finally just slept, and the narwhals making their move on the screen.
"She's gonna be in town next week," he muttered. She gave him a bit of a look at that. "I don't know what the protocol is. If you wanna invite her over for dinner or something."
"She's coming all the way here to drop them off?" Olivia said.
Brian shrugged. "You know, I'd prefer that to FedEx'ing that shit anyway. Get the debrief from the horse's mouth too rather than a talking head on the screen."
Olivia made a sound of acknowledgement. "Or she's giving you face time to finally give you here notice …"
Brian made a soft, quiet but rather annoyed sound at that. "Yea, she better fucking get around to that while she's here. Of course I can't say that to her. That's an HR nightmare. Male supervisor telling his female underling – on maternity leave hold – that she should really shit or get off the pot."
Olivia stroked at his hair a bit more. "I had to tell Rollins," she said.
"You broaching that topic with a female employee versus me broaching it – different things."
"Has she found a position back in Chicago yet?" Olivia asked.
"Don't know," Brian said. "Steer clear of our personal lives."
"Well, she's going to have to give a glimpse," Olivia said. "Wasn't it Easter she left? So it must be almost a year that her position has been on maternity hold?"
Brian took another swig. "Yea. I think she's got like three weeks left to let HR know what the hell she's doing. And then we'll go through that limbo period while they recruit and hire. When we're fucking drowning right now."
"I'm sure you can just keep Geharty on her desk for now …"
Brian gave her a look. "That guy was ready to bail from about two weeks in. He's been clinging on in hope he ends up … somewhere better. Like there's such a thing. Define 'better'."
Olivia gave him a frown. And she didn't get into all the politics and news stories hitting the headlines and news wires lately about the Investigators' Office. It was sort of a moot point. It was a big organization with lots of different units and officials - and levels of corruption and laziness. Same as any other cop shop. Same as the NYPD. Brian was right - there wasn't 'better'. Or there was. It just depended on your morals and your definition.
"If she's coming all the way here with the files – and she took on the work while still on leave – maybe she is thinking about coming back," she offered.
Brian gave her a look. "With her family situation?" he shook his head. "She likely is just taking a baby break. And getting whatever shit she has left in storage out this way."
Olivia allowed a thin smile and again groomed at his short hair on the back of his neck. "Is she leaving the babies in Chicago with their dad?"
Brian shrugged. "Didn't get into that either."
"Mmm …," Olivia allowed. "Be nice to see them. Her and Halstead likely made some pretty cute babies."
Brian gestured at Emmy – or her ass in the air. "What? We didn't come up with a cute baby enough for you?"
Olivia smiled and leaned in again to brush a peck against his lips. He kept her eyes as she settled back into the couch again.
"You OK?" he asked.
She shook her head. "Just that comment," she sighed. "Baby talk. Amanda …"
"Sticking her foot in her mouth and her nose where it don't belong?"
Olivia shrugged. "I likely stuck my nose where it didn't belong during her pregnancy. And something came up the other day. It just ..." it was bothering her but she hadn't wanted to bring it up. She still didn't. But he'd caught her change of demeanor. He was getting good at that. Too good - because they'd been together too long. "She felt I implied I'd had an abortion ... in a previous conversation, and then now … I didn't want to course correct or get into it with her," she muttered and gestured at Emmy. "The miscarriage."
Brian stared at her and found her hand. "That's not her business."
Olivia shrugged. "Her thought process on baby number two wasn't my business and I put my opinion out there. I made a comment about regret."
"Loss is different kind of regret," Brian said.
She gave him a weak smile. "I know."
"It's complicated," he said. "That was a really complicated situation. Moment in our life, relationship."
"I told her that too - that it's complicated - when she … stormed off."
Brian breathed deeply. "She doesn't need to know the dynamics — the history — of our relationship or family, kids, Liv. I don't want her to. It's personal. That was … a fucked up enough period for us. We don't need …"
"I know. Just … " she gestured in a minor collision of the topics that had come before. "It made me think of it. She'll get over it."
He stared at her, though. "Do you need to talk about it? The miscarriage?"
She made a little sound — that she knew might've been wounded. But she shook her head. "No."
His eyes stayed on her — examined her. "Do you need to talk about … us … then?"
She offered him a weak smile for that effort. "No," she said. "Like you said, we ended up with our cute baby. The baby meant for us. Babies meant for us."
"I think so," Brian said.
Olivia nodded — though it felt a little weak. "I know so."
His eyes stayed on her — to the point that Olivia couldn't stay with them and she went back to straightening the stray strands of Emmy's hair. The little girl who joined their family in such a complicated and convoluted — and initially resisted — way. But was still there — and still so much theirs — now. Six years was so long and so little in the long run. A reminder of what they'd all overcoming in becoming a family. But also a reminder of another dark spot that her and Brian had gone through. More than one.
"Is this actually 'no'," he said flatly, "or are we doing 'don't ask, don't tell'?"
She exhaled. Sometimes she hated how much she'd let him in - let him figure her out, know her. "There's lots of topics you want to play don't ask, don't tell with lately too, Brian."
"And we're supposed to be working on that," he said.
She gave him a look. "Do you really want to play Truth tonight?"
He eyed her and took a slow drag out of his bottle. That was answer enough. "Speaking of playing 20 Questions and dispersing opinions people don't want to hear," Brian said, earning a glimpse from her. "Stayed out longer with Jack than I thought you would."
"Mmm …," she exhaled again and ran her hand through her hair to find the side of her head and stare at him. "He was more chatty and open to chatting than I thought he'd be."
"Yea?" Brian asked. But Olivia only shrugged. He examined her and then handed her his bottle. She gave him a thin smile at that but took a sip. The bottle was starting to get warm and the lip of it definitely was from the frequent sips Brian was taking out of it. His breath and saliva still lingering against the glass. "Good chat or Jack Ass talk?"
She smiled a bit and shrugged. "A bit of both," she said. "There was snark. And more attitude than was necessary about Easter plans."
Brian rolled his eyes at that and took another drink from the bottle. Jack and snark might as well be a drinking game.
"And he acted starving - both worrying about what we might feeding him on Sunday, or where he'd get fed if we aren't around, and what we were going to eat tonight," she said.
"Where'd you end up eating?"
"Fat Bastard's."
"Of course," Brian muttered. "Why get some decent Mexican when you can eat a two-pound burrito."
"He just likes saying it," Olivia said. "To gauge my reaction."
"Because it's worth reacting over," Brian shook his head. "Jack Ass." But he looked at her, "You find anything edible there this time?"
She shrugged. "I just had a salad."
He examined her. "Eileen did up a cacciatore for the kids. They put a good dent in it, but-"
Olivia gave him a little nudge. "They did or you did?"
Another tug out of that bottle. "I might've helped out when I got home. But there's still a good serving in the fridge. Want me to nuke a plate for you?"
Olivia rubbed at their Ducky's back and shook her head. Brian moving would mean ending all this. And she really wasn't that hungry any way. She'd got enough even if it wouldn't have been her choice dining option. With Jack, though, she knew it never was going to be.
"He's stressing about a lot," she said. "Benji, finishing his thesis, his jobs now with Gecko's now, finding a job. Making any kind of decision. This design submission for the CAC. He says he feels pulled in too many directions."
"Yea, well, welcome to adulthood, Kiddo" Brian said.
Olivia played her fingers through the back of his hair. She wasn't going to argue that. It was just life.
"The spot he's doing the design for look decent?" Brian asked, casting her a glance.
"Yes," Olivia said, taking another, longer swig but then handing the bottle back across to him. He immediately took another drink of his own. "It's a really nice space. Bigger than I remembered."
"He know what he's going to do with it?" Brian asked.
She shrugged. "Focus on play, he said. An interactive urban playground designed for adults. I think he means for Millennials."
Brian made another little noise at that and took another drink, giving his head a shake.
"He didn't want to talk about it that much," she said. "Because apparently I'm making too big of deal out of it when it's not a big deal."
"It is a big deal," Brian muttered.
"I know," she agreed quietly and stared at the television screen for a long beat. "I don't remember my twenties being as hard or as confusing as he makes them out to be."
Brian's head made another little shake, as he tipped back the beer. "Either of these two as lost at twenty-five as he is," he shook his head again, nodding back at the stairs and up to Ben. "My foot will be so far up their asshole there won't be room for them to get their head shoved up in there as far as Jack does. Wearing a fucking ass-hat …"
Olivia sighed a bit and stroked at his head with one hand, while the other played with the strands of Emmy's messy, tangle of hair. She knew that wouldn't exactly be the way it worked. Not with Benji and not with Emmy. It didn't even work that way with Jack now. Both of their barks were way worse than their bites when it came to their kids. None of them were remotely scared of them. And Benji and Emmy both knew exactly how to spin either of them to get what they wanted. They were right around their little fingers. It was going to be a challenge as they got older. It was challenging enough now. And Jack was only proving so much of a practice run. If anything - it was a workshop effort that scared her about their little ones' teens and twenties - when her and Brian were in their sixties. It was a scary thought.
"I think you're going to have to try to find some time for him," she said. And he caught her eyes, staying with them. She rubbed her eyebrow. "He touched on some topics that I think he'd do better talking to you about. That maybe he'd listen a bit more."
"Babe, I'm the last person he wants to hear about his education from," Brian said. "He still thinks I'm some uneducated goon."
She shook her head at him. "He doesn't," she said. "And, you aren't, Bri."
You didn't become a detective before you're 30 - before you'd put in ten years on the job by being stupid. You didn't get given the kind of undercover assignments and responsibilities Brian had by being an unintelligent man. You didn't end up heading up investigations - having a unit, employees, a team of your own to manage - without being in the know and good at your job. Olivia knew that. And she believed it. But Brian hated her laying that out to him. His smarts were just different than ... people like Jack or Amanda or Carisi. But she knew he was smart - educated - she'd seen some of his essays and tests and straight A report cards that Janet had held onto from high school. He might've only done community college and a junior degree - but he had a degree. He'd done courses and upgrades and exams on the job since. Even with his missteps along the way - Brian's career had a stellar trajectory. He was in a position - in his late-40s - that would make a lot of cops looking to move out beyond the NYPD in their 50s and 60s jealous. She respected his brains - and his street smarts and his detective, police and investigator skills - even if he wanted to put on the mask that he was some dumb Mick. Even if he'd built his life pretending he was just one of the guys and some macho, Type A personality, brutal, street brawling cop. He wasn't. They both knew it. The man was watching David Attenborough-narrated documentary about arctic wildlife and climate change as an evening spool down viewing. He might gravitate toward the sports section and magazines - but Brian just always ended up buried in the paper or newsmagazines if they were in doctors' waiting rooms or diners. And he was undisputedly better at Fifth Grade math than her. The man was far, far, far from stupid. And there was even less of an argument that he was uneducated. He was just a different sort of smarts - and they presented in a different way. But he didn't like hearing that from her or anyone else.
"Yea, well, whatever I say right now he just hears 'get a job' and goes Jack Ass on me too," Brian muttered.
Olivia exhaled a bit and stared at their little girl until she shook her head until she looked at Brian. "My life looking like this," she said with a little gesture, "it's not something I could've even fathomed at twenty-five." Her hand pressed into her forehead as she stared at him and she took another deep breath and shrugged. "I was so career focused. Job focused."
"You're the job," Brian said.
She shook her head. "I'm a mom. But none of that even started to click until into my forties. And now … I love my life, Bri. As imperfect as it is and as fragile. But all of this, I couldn't have even imagined loving it or wanting it at twenty-five."
Brian shrugged a bit. "There's a difference between wanting a career and … whatever Jack's doing."
Olivia exhaled a bit. "He said things that made my …" and she just made her own little spidey sense sign up by her temple. "… go off."
"Like?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. This puddle of spew about this relationship he's in right now. And some allusions about … aspects of his relationship with Christina. Too fast, too serious, too much pressure. How it ended. And then some things about his uncle."
Brian made a listening sound. And Olivia just pressed her heel of her hand into her temple more.
"He said outright he's been with this girl he's seeing for a while but it's not a sexual relationship yet," she said. "And I don't know … my hit on it … I'm not sure if it's she's taking it slow or he's taking it slow. But … I just worry that … he's never going to have a 'normal' relationship. That … I don't know … it's like this visual sign of just how lost he is … at life, Bri."
Brian scrubbed at his face a bit and looked at her. "Liv … the kid … he's just got a fucked up definition of sex and relationships. Even if we take out whatever that asshole did or didn't do to him – he didn't grow up in a normal home. Those dynamics. There's abuse, neglect, abandonment. You grow up in that kinda of environment – you know – it takes years to course correct that. And with Jack – Babe, he was eighteen years old when he started getting any kind of help. He's never really going to course correct. That's something you've – we've – got to learn to accept. And just live with."
She frowned at that. "He's got so much potential."
Brian shrugged. "Yea," he agreed. "And maybe we can help him course correct to use some of it – for his career. Maybe. But in life, in his relationships, his sex life or sexuality … we can't fix that for him, Liv. And it's not your fault. We just … be there as his family. You know?"
She frowned at that and brushed at his hair again – staring at him and not. "The way he was talking about Christina …"
Brian shrugged there too. "She was a nice girl but they were both out of each other's leagues in completely different ways."
She tried a thin smile but she really looked at him then. "Bri, I'm really sorry about how I handled things back then."
"You don't need to apologize to me about that," he said.
But she only frowned a bit more. "I should've handled it differently. I didn't handle it well." It was an understatement.
He just gazed at her. "Neither did I," he allowed and then shook his head. "Liv, we were both kids too. And it doesn't matter. It was a long time ago. If I'm being honest – I know I wouldn't have been able to handle you."
She gave him a mild look of disgust. "You know how to 'handle' me now?" she dripped with sarcasm.
He shrugged. "Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don't. But I know you - understand you - a lot better. And I know how to hold my own. I didn't then not at 27, 28, 29 years old with who I was and where I was at. You would've walked all over me. You did. And that's where Jack's at too. He doesn't know how to handle himself in a relationship yet. How to hold his own. What he wants or needs from a relationship."
"Who ever does ..." Olivia mumbled.
"We do," he said.
"Do we?" she put back to him.
Brian stared at her. "I do," he said. "Don't you?"
She exhaled. She did. But sometimes - lately, again - she wasn't sure either of them did. Not what they wanted or what they needed. Or how to get it. Though they both seemed to keep on trying. She knew that counted. For a lot. It was the hard work of relationships - and she knew too that was what Brian really meant. It's a hard concept to really understand in your twenties - especially growing up in a broken home where you didn't see how a functional, healthy relationship worked. Her and Brian were middle-aged and they were both still paying for that confusion and lack of model imaging to mirror. And they arguable both were better off in their childhood situations than Jack - again, depending on how you went about defining that.
"And what do you want and need from a relationship, Brian?" was all she put to him though. And that was a whole lot to put to him.
He kept her eyes. "I want this relationship," he said - almost immediately. "I want - need - you. The kids. My family. My friend. Semi-regular access to sex. Some emotional intimacy."
"You make it sound simple," Olivia said.
Brian shook his head. "We both know it's simple terms for sweeping, bare your soul shit."
"Which we aren't good at - even if we want it or need it," she said.
"We're getting better," he said, keeping her eyes. "I think." She allowed him a thin smile. He examined her for a long beat. "It's the roles, Liv. The responsibilities. The rights. The definitions and worth and value that comes from all that. The validation - but earning it and fighting for it. With you and with the kids. You know that, right? That's what you want ... what you need or are getting from it too?"
She gave him a little nod and a thin smile. "Yeah, Bri. I am. I do."
He stared at her again - weighing her. There was some flickers of insecurity painting across his face again. And Olivia tugged again on the short hair on the back of his head. She ran her nails there.
"I do, Brian," she pressed.
It took a long beat but then he spoke again. "Point being, that it is big, sweeping stuff that's hard to get - intimacy - at that age when you're that damaged and when you've got that little experience in relationships. Christina was out of Jack's league. Maybe whatever he's got himself into right now - it's the same thing. Just like you were out of my league."
"Bri …" she sighed at him.
But he just shrugged. "You were," he said. "And I knew it. Even then. It's likely why I was falling all over myself."
She sighed at him. "You were falling all over the sex, Brian …" she said.
He gazed at her. "There's truth to that. And if it'd been much more than sex you would've eaten me alive. If you'd be willing to let us try for something more. It would've ended in disaster."
"I still broke your heart," she said.
He gave a little shrug but kept her eyes. "A little but not as much if you'd let me try to have some kind of lie and you'd kept up the lie for a while. Way it happened, it was just the heart and ego bruised a bit."
"And you figuring out how to cope with your sexuality and the abuse hindered," she said.
He shook his head. "How I dealt with relationships, sex and my 30s isn't on you," he said. "Just like whatever Jack's doing right now - is not on us. And I'm OK with what happened. It happen differently, we'd probably really have held it against each other. Hated each other. Been stubborn-ass, ass-hats about it. And then this wouldn't have happened," he said and nodded at their daughter. "So I think things worked out."
But there was a creaked on the stairs and she strained her neck to look to see Benji coming down the stairs.
"Did we wake you up Little Fox?" she said.
He just yawned. "You're loud."
"Sorry," she allowed and watched as he came over.
Benji gazed at Emmy and at Brian but then gave her a long look and crawled onto the cushion next to her – leaning so heavily against her that he might as well have crawled directly into her lap. But Olivia just wrapped her arms around him and held onto him tight.
Benji stared bleary eyed at the TV. "Nar-whaaaaaaal," he mumbled through another yawn.
"Nar-whaaaaaal," Olivia whispered into his ear and pressed a kiss against his temple. He flopped his head more heavily against her shoulder and she brushed at his short hair now.
"What you talkin so loud 'bout?" he asked.
She smiled a little into the top of his head and eyed Brian. She knew they hadn't been talking very loud. "About how long I've known Daddy."
"Since big kids, young adults – like Peedg," Benji recited.
"Yep," she agreed.
"Fooooore-evvvv-er," Benji mumbled.
"Forever and a day," she agreed. And kept Brian's eye. "Just the way I like it."