Chris and Cordelia's song is Tunnels by Arcade Fire; that's something I just decided.

Ask me once and I'll leave
Everything for you
Just say the word
You'll see
You'll stay with me
I wait every single moment
Of every day, just to see your face
Why can't they let us be?
-Mitchel Musso ft. Katelyn Tarver, Us Against the World

Saturday – 34 Days Until Graduation

I'm at the treehouse when Gordie comes rushing in, holding a ripped envelope tightly in his hands. His hair is wild and his breathing is heavy and it's obvious that he's run here from his house.

"I got in!" he says, loudly, the sound echoing off the walls. Teddy yells, and Vern follows closely. Chris grins and slaps his back, but I see the guilty look of jealousy behind his eyes. He hasn't gotten any letters yet, acceptance or otherwise, and I know he's feeling anxious over it.

Gordie turns to me, and I hug him tightly. I try to be happy for him, but there's jealousy boiling deep within me as well. I glance at Chris over Gordie's shoulder and our eyes lock. He nods once, and I try to hold down the smile that wants to burst out.

That night, after the others leave, Chris sits close to me and pulls me towards him. The sun is beginning to set, so we don't have a lot of time before I have to be home, but I press my lips to his and push myself closer to him. My hands dip down, under his shirt and feel the warmth of the skin on his back. His hand snakes around my neck as we pull apart. I lower one of my hands to his chest, and feel his heart pounding beneath my fingers. I curl my hand around the fabric and tilt my face up to catch his again.

I don't get home until after dark, but neither mom nor dad says anything as I pass them on the way to my room.

Saturday – 27 Days Until Graduation

A week later, it's Chris that brings an envelope to the treehouse, and it's his voice that says, "I got in," but it's not with the same power as Gordie. It's more of disbelief. Teddy and Vern still shout out in congratulations, and Gordie gives him some skin. I try to look happy, but even I know I'm failing.

I knew he was going to get in somewhere, and I still can't force myself to pretend that I'm happy. I lean into him the way I know I should, and listen to him talk about the different packets of information. He and Gordie talk about what they'll study.

I clench my hand into a fist and feel slightly relaxed as my nails dig deep into my palm. It's too small here, and I'm desperate to leave, but I can't without it looking suspicious.

But here I am, celebrating the fact that Chris is going to leave. It's like our previous conversations don't matter to him anymore. He should know how this is affecting me, but he keeps talking about finally getting out of Castle Rock.

A while later, just before the sun starts to set, Vern leaves. I take the opportunity to also leave, telling Chris that I can't be out after dark again, not after last night. Teddy hollers something disgusting, but Chris just smiles and nods and somehow doesn't see that I'm seconds from falling apart.

When I hit the ground just below the ladder, I already feel a bit better. I can breathe out here; I want to go to the bridge, but I don't. There's no reason that I can't, I just can't bring myself to go.

Maybe this time I'll cross it and leave for good.

I shake my head and head home. There's a burning behind my eyes that I think is just exhaustion, but I quickly realize it's tears because as soon as I'm in the bathroom at home, they come without warning. It's not fair. I want to leave too.

I just have to make it to graduation.

Saturday – 20 Days Until Graduation

I don't go to the treehouse the following Saturday. Instead, I stay inside and do the homework that's still being assigned despite the fact graduation is less than a month away. It's pointless to do it, but my mind is focused on obscure French verbs and significant figures and not on Chris or Gordie or Castle Rock, and I can breathe.

Mom pokes her head in, once around midday, and asks if I need anything. I tell her I'm fine, just trying to finish my work before dinner. She smiles, and it takes me a moment to realize it reaches her eyes before she leaves. Does she think I'm trying to make her happy? Is she really so blind that she can't see how I'm feeling?

Instead, I go back to my work and let it force the other thoughts out.

Monday – 18 Days Until Graduation

Monday morning, I meet Christina. Apparently, she doesn't have choir anymore, and I'm almost grateful for her presence. She's talking about all the things she's excited for and I try to go along with it. I try to be Cordelia, the girl that was agreeable and okay and good at pretending, but I'm just Cora. I bite my lip hard to keep myself in the moment, and it surprisingly works.

The day passes surprising fast, considering how desperate I am to get home. I spend the day trying to force myself into being Cordelia, but I can't. I can't even figure out how I did it the first time. I must have been desperate – more desperate than I am now.

Chris doesn't try to talk to me during Chemistry, but I see him glance over at me more than he usually does. After the talk we had a couple weeks ago, I should just tell him how I feel. But I already did, I remind myself.

So, instead of looking back at him, I keep my eyes on Mrs. Swift and pretend I'm interested in whatever it is she's talking about.

I consider skipping Study Hall and hiding in the bathroom, but Mr. Lester is obsessive about attendance, and I don't want to deal with that added stress of him sending someone to find me, so I slide into my usual seat and open my English textbook and force myself to focus on it.

I jump when a crumpled ball lands on my book. I glance up. No one is looking at me. I turn in my chair and see Gordie in the seat behind me, staring intently down at the book in front of him.

Too intently.

I turn back and straighten the paper. His messy handwriting is taking up the top half of the page.

What is going on with you?

I grab my pencil and write my response quickly, tossing it over my shoulder without looking.

What do you mean? I'm fine.

I hear him scoff from behind me and I turn, after throwing a quick glance at Mr. Lester. He's almost as strict about silence as he is on attendance.

"What?" I whisper softly.

"I thought you agreed not to lie to me," he responds, leaning forward on his desk, closing the space between us slightly.

"I-" I stop. He's right. It's probably easier if I keep pretending, but I can't. I could barely make it a couple days, I can't make it a couple weeks.

"You don't have to talk to me," he says. His eyes dart over my shoulder, surely in the direction of Mr. Lester, but his eyes come back to mine quickly. "But maybe you should talk to Chris."

I turn around without responding. I hate it when he's right.

Tuesday – 17 Days Until Graduation

I don't get to talk to Chris until the following day. I'm sure if I had gone to the treehouse, or the bridge, I could have found him, but instead I went home and crawled into bed. Sometimes pretending everything is okay is easier than dealing with it.

But Chris is at my locker at the end of the day. I had waited an extra ten minutes in the bathroom, because I really didn't want to run into anyone on my way home. But he's there, leaning against my locker like he's done it a hundred times; like it's a second nature. I feel a longing for him. I want to go to the treehouse and forget about everything that's happened. I just want to be with him, but when he looks up and sees me watching him, I realize that's not bound to happen.

"I thought maybe you'd just gone home," he says, side-stepping away from my locker as I get close.

"Just waiting out the rush," I tell him.

There's a pause, and I focus on turning the lock and popping it open. I grab my bag and Chris moves towards me, putting his hand on my arm. "What's wrong?" he asks.

I turn to him sharply, surprised we've already reached this conversation. "What?" I ask, because my mind has suddenly gone blank.

"You've been weird," he says flatly.

I almost laugh at his words. "I'm fine," I tell him; my automatic response for when things are too much.

"Don't do that," he says quickly, cutting through my bullshit. "Don't lie to me," he adds, and it almost sounds like he's begging.

"Chris," I start.

"Talk to me," he says. He leans towards me. I turn to him and grip the hem of his jacket. Why is he even wearing a jacket? It's too warm for it.

"You got accepted to the University of Oregon," I force out, staring at the button on his jacket so I don't look up at him.

"I know," he says slowly. "I told you that last week."

"You're getting out of Castle Rock and I'm jealous."

His hand cups my cheek and then I'm looking up at him. "Cora," he starts, but doesn't finish. I push myself up on my toes and kiss him. I don't want to hear what he has to say. I'm not ready for it. I just want him; I want to be close to him.

His hand holds my cheek tighter as he responds, leaning down to me. He presses his forehead to mine and pulls away slightly, and I find myself chasing after his lips.

"Come with me," he whispers.

My eyes widen. "I can't," I tell him. "I didn't get in…I didn't apply."

"I don't care. I want you to come with me." His lips find mine and I'm falling back to the lockers behind us. I pull him closer, because I can't think of an answer.

Chris is the one to finally pull away, his lips red, and easily tugging up into a smile. "Think about it?" he asks, and I nod, because I can't think of anything right now.

Maybe I do have a chance after all.

When I wake up the next day, I have to double check the calendar in the kitchen as I'm leaving for school.

There's only sixteen days until graduation.

this chapter is all over the place and I'm sorry for that; it's also in the wrap-up stages, only a few chapters left