Strength and Healing

Chapter 35

AN: Hey guys! I am not going to bother apologizing for the long interval between updates because I know it'll happen again. But never fear because I am back with Chapter 35! I have a few more chapters in mind before I start moving through time a little bit, but before I do, I wanted to ask for your input. What do YOU want to see? Please let me know! Thanks!

Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.

I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. TRIGGER WARNING for conversations about rape and violence.

–Gabby

"Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you."

-Unknown

On one particular Friday in the end of spring, Hotch had told Emily and the rest of A team to stay home since there was no case currently assigned to the BAU. Because of this, the brunette had come straight home after dropping off the twins at school. There had been a few hiccups at the beginning, but for the most part, the two wards of the state were fairly decent students. Tony enjoyed social studies and Chess enjoyed reading. They had settled into the routine of coming home from school, sharing a snack in the kitchen, and then starting on their homework with their foster mothers. It was going incredibly well.

There were times when Tony forgot that this wasn't a permanent placement, times when it conveniently slipped his mind that nothing was safe, certainly not love. Francesca, however didn't have the same luck. Reminders of the insecurity of her current situation came to her daily. They hit her sharply in the middle of relaxed laughter, haunted her in vivid night terrors as she slept, drowned her sensation of safety as she bathed, and assaulted her in flashbacks hovering tauntingly above her forehead in a excruciatingly impressive game of I'm not touching you. When she thought about it, really thought about it, she couldn't recall the last time she was this safe in a home. And it made the fact that she didn't feel safe even more unbearable.

JJ, for her part, wasn't doing all that much better. After she and Emily had that talk on the night of the twins' first day of school, the blonde had retreated back into her toxic shell, having had made room for months more's worth of baggage inside her unhealthy sanctuary. There was so much on her mind—about the twins, about Emily, about the BAU, about everything. But because she so desperately feared being a burden—especially to her incredible wife, who had the tendency to shoulder everything for the people she loved and never complain about it, even when she ought to—she kept it all inside. She didn't have anyone to tell really. Her mom would give her a "talk to your wife" speech, and since she had decided to put of pursuing an appointment with a therapist, that wasn't an option either. And even if she could confide in Emily, the brunette's unbreakable patience would not be of help. The truth of the matter is the woman wanted to be yelled at, insulted, attacked, and blamed— for something. Everything. Why did no one but she feel like she was at fault for the women Justin Shaffer killed, Erin's suicide, Emily's pain, the atrocities the twins had to suffer through in the months they lived with the Johnsons? She deserved what should have been coming to her.

JJ was craving abuse.

This was new. She didn't understand how this need to be on the receiving end of violence came to be. It scared her to the point where she refused to answer phone calls from her mom—who just wanted to check up on the twins, whom she had met and now adored- knowing she would say something to provoke her anger just for the satisfaction of being berated. She even toyed with the idea of getting in contact with the Ambassador.

She had put up a front with Emily for weeks, and though JJ found it hard to believe that her wife was buying the bullshit she was selling, the brunette acted as if everything was normal. JJ knew Emily was trying to be careful with her. It was suffocating. She needed to get out of the house for a little while before it was time to pick up the twins. They didn't deserve a half-assed version of JJ.

A ping from her phone brought her out of her self-hatred-induced stupor.

Emily was downstairs reading her newest self-help book on supporting trauma survivors when JJ came padding into the living room. Emily's eyes lit up at the sight of her wife, and though it annoyed her at first, the involuntary greeting melted JJ's heart. She knew her desire to be hurt by Emily was irrational. In the early years of her dating life, she had come to get used to punishment for anything and everything, even nothing. And to feel as guilty and ashamed as she did in that moment and receive nothing but gentleness in response was almost worse than the beating she had learned to expect with Erin. The blonde knew that if Emily ever learned of the thoughts her wife was having at that very moment, it would shatter her tender heart into an irreparable amount of shards.

Emily put down her book and stood up to give JJ her full attention. "You okay, Jennifer? You've been upstairs a long time…."

"Uh, yeah, I, um, I was talking to Amanda actually," JJ explained, sitting down next to Emily.

The brunette was so ecstatic about the fact that her wife was initiating a conversation with her that she momentarily forgot to prompt further interaction. "Amanda? Really?"

JJ nodded. "Yeah, um, she asked about why we haven't been coming to group meetings. She and Sarah have been wondering. I told her a little about the twins." She hesitated for a moment, before blurting out, "Em, can I ask for a favor?"

Emily's smile grew wider. JJ was asking for something. "Absolutely. What do you need?"

JJ subconsciously shifted a few inches further away from Emily. "She invited me to come hang out at the park. Would you be okay picking the kids up from school later? Since we're holding off on therapy until after the school year is over, I think it might be a good idea to talk to her…about everything. Ask her about some things." Have you ever wanted—no, needed—Brian to yell at you? Hit you? Hold you down? How can you bear it knowing you've destroyed his life? Do you ever wish Erin just would have killed you?

Emily nodded eagerly. "I appreciate the explanation, love, but you don't have to justify a trip to the park. You know that."

JJ plastered on a smile. "It's a respect thing, babe, not a fear thing." She was being truthful, mostly. She wasn't afraid of Emily. But sometimes she wanted to be.

The brunette seemed to accept that answer, reaching out to give JJ's upper thigh a light squeeze before standing up and striding into the kitchen. "You gonna be home for dinner?" Emily projected over the sound of the dishwasher.

JJ followed the sound of her wife's voice into the kitchen, knowing that even though it had been more than two months since the Shaffer case in LA, speaking loudly often caused Emily's healing ribs to become sore. "Yeah, I don't think I could spend the whole day in the park anyway."

Emily nodded, opening up the refrigerator as the blonde leaned against the closet door next to it. "What do you want to have?"

JJ shrugged. "It's not a big deal to me. You choose," she surrendered nonchalantly.

"Hmm…" Emily thought. "We have stuff to make homemade pizzas. That could be fun. Or I can make that pasta T and Chess really liked last week. What do you think?"

"I honestly don't have a preference, sweetheart," JJ stressed, becoming frustrated. "Just pick one." She didn't understand why Emily had to make everything a negotiation. The blonde didn't have to consent to dinner.

Emily nodded, giving up. That particular conversation had effectively ended. Emily didn't know how much longer they could go on like this. She loved her wife to no end and would never consider giving up on the relationship, but something had to change. The brunette knew that all the years of abject abuse had damaged her wife's interpersonal communication skills and ability to deal with conflict productively, but she knew the younger woman was more than capable if she just tried. She was hopeful that the camaraderie she shared with Amanda would be helpful in establishing and repairing the link between the soul mates that had weakened will the tribulations of the last few months. She knew that her mother would blame their relationship troubles on the twins, but the truth was the twins were just the jenga block that knocked the tower over, just the fatal blow in a battle that would have reached its climax sooner or later, one that had been brewing since the blonde's abduction.

JJ wanted to be told what to do. It's what she was used to, comfortable with even. Emily would never even consider it. Theirs was a relationship of equals and the brunette would not sacrifice proving that to the love of her life to maintain a level of superficial comfort.

As JJ went to open the front door and leave, she heard Emily approaching her.
"Hey. I love you."

JJ smiled involuntarily. "I love you too," she sighed, her smile turning into a sad one.

The brunette grasped the hand that turned the door handle, stilling it, causing JJ to look up at Emily. "We're gonna be okay," she promised.

Once she arrived at the park, she took the small trek into the woods towards Peace Creek. It was such a nice day outside; it reminded her of the day she had first stood up to Erin in that café. When she arrived at the water's edge, Amanda was there waiting for her. The blonde could tell the younger woman was truly happy to see her and it boosted her own mood. Amanda pulled her in for a hug. "Hey, you! My goodness, JJ, motherhood suits you. You're glowing."

JJ couldn't resist the gallows humor. "Nah, that's the bags under my eyes and being sleep-deprived for twenty years."

Amanda smiled in understanding. "Seriously though, JJ, I've never met a more maternal person. Those kids are lucky."

They chatted light heartedly for a few minutes before Amanda asked the blonde to detail how they had gotten to where they were. "You look like you need a therapy session," the woman prompted, sitting down next to her as JJ began to speak, JJ skipping rocks lazily.

"I don't know, I just…" the blonde finished. I can't help blaming myself for some of the things they've gone through. If we never killed their father—"

"Then maybe he would have killed them. Or they would have been taken out of that house eventually. Even if your team didn't storm into that house, they wouldn't have lasted their long. You couldn't have avoided this. They weren't going to escape the system."

"But we put them into the system."

"And now you're taking them out. My God, what I would have given to have had a placement like those kids do. They could still be with the Johnsons, but they're not. They're safe with you and Emily. Focus on that."

JJ nodded. "Yeah, I'm gonna try to do that."

"Good." Amanda smiled, nudging the blonde in a friendly manner. "Now, tell me, Agent Jareau, how are things going with your wife?" she questioned, mimicking her own therapist.

JJ laughed before sobering. "Okay. Emily's an angel as usual. But sex, for one, is a chore."

"Yeah, I've heard kids can really put a damper on things." Mandy laughed.

"No, it's actually not the twins. It's all the questions she asks."

"Oh, like she worries when you tell her you're not in the mood?" Amanda assumed. "Brian does that."

JJ shook her head. "She never asks questions when I say no. But when I say yes, the third degree begins. Actually, no, I never say yes, because Emily makes me initiate it every time. And even then, she doesn't completely believe I want it. She has to ask over and over again."

"What does she ask?" Amanda couldn't help being curious.

"My God, it's are you sure? And then she needs to cover her bases with have you had any nightmares this week? And when was the last time you had a flashback? And have you been jumpy at all today? And then of course there's do you want to stop? And then are you sure? Again. And she won't even accept a nod. It has to be verbal. And then she starts in with what do you want? And how do you want it? And do you want the lights on? Or do you want them off? Do you want me to kiss your scars or pretend they're not there? Is this okay? Every thirty seconds. Is it okay if I... Every minute. I can't even hear myself think. I have to answer so many questions that I'm exhausted before she even touches me. She keeps asking me if what she's doing feels good, but how could it when all I can think about is that what she thinks about in bed is that I'm a victim? The whole time. That I'm some fragile rag doll tied to a bomb. ... I must sound like such an ass...and an ungrateful bitch. But it's not that I don't appreciate it. I love her for it, I do, but it's all so overwhelming. I have to make every choice about everything every single time. I'm so tired of making decisions. I need her to take control sometimes. I trust her to take care of me. I know she would never hurt me."

"Does she know all of this?"

"I don't know."

"Have you told her?" What an obvious question.

"I don't know how, Amanda. Emily has a tough exterior, but underneath she is so sensitive. I don't want to hurt her."

"I think it would hurt her more," Amanda pondered, "if she knew you were keeping all of this from her. I mean, she's asking all these questions, so you aren't lacking in opportunity to tell her."

JJ nodded. "I will. I need to. For her too. I don't see how she could enjoy sex either when she only ever thinks about my comfort." the blonde sighed. "How do you and Brian handle this?"

"There a ways to communicate without words, JJ." Amanda thought for a moment. "Consent has to be affirmative but it doesn't have to be verbal."

"Try telling my wife that."

"I will if you need me to, but I think it would be received a lot better if it came from you."

JJ laughed after a moment. "Seems like you've learned a lot in these meetings."

"It's really enlightening speaking to other couples. Everyone has been asking about you guys. You need to come back."

"We want to. We just have to make sure the twins are okay first. There are a lot of things that we need to talk about, so I'll get to it. Promise."

"Maybe this weekend?"

"We'll see. We'll need childcare."

Mandy laughed. "I'd volunteer, but I have some support group meeting to go to."

Emily was waiting in the car rider line for her young charges when she got a text message from JJ. "Heading home. What's your ETA?"

She saw the twins walk out of the building towards the car as she sent a quick reply. "Getting in the car. See you in ten. Xoxoxo."

Happy to see the children, the brunette greeted them excitedly. "Hey, guys! How was your day?"

Francesca whispered "okay" and Tony mumbled "good" at the same time, eyeing each other.

Emily was concerned. Usually, the twins were excited to share details about their day. "Aw, not you guys too," Emily sighed, referring to her wife. "C'mon, love bugs, what's going on?"

The twins made eye contact as they stressed, "nothing!" Tony's eyes were guilty, but Chess's expressed pure fear with a hint of determination.

Before the brunette could say something, her phone rang. She put in on speaker to keep her hands free for driving. "Hey, Annie! You got me and the twins," she said by way of warning.

Annie didn't seem to care much about being on speaker phone and she launched into her spiel. "Emily, you need to tell her wife to pick up the dang phone! All I want is to spend time with the twins and she's ignoring me."

The profiler attempted to diffuse the situation. "Annie, I'm sure she's not purposefully ignoring you. She has a lot on her mind."

"Good. She can talk about what's on her mind. This weekend. When the twins are having a sleepover with me." Emily eyed said children and watched as their eyes expressed equal parts excitement and trepidation. "That's not an offer."

"Annie, we appreciate that, but I'm not sure they're ready to—"

"I get it, Emily. But don't just shoot it down. Talk to them. And your wife. Make her talk to you."

"Okay, Annie, but no promises," she sighed.

The brunette could practically hear the smile at the other end of the phone. "That's why you're my favorite!" she squealed in excitement before saying goodbye to her daughter-in-law and the twins and hanging up.

"What do you guys think about spending the weekend with Annie?" she attempted to ask casually.

"Are we in trouble?" Tony blurted, earning a stern "Shhh!" and a swat from his sister.

"Francesca," Emily warned. "Baby, you know we don't express anger with our hands."

Chess nodded. "Sorry, Emily," she whispered.

"It's okay, sweet pea. And Tony, of course you're not in trouble. Why would you be in trouble?"

Before he could answer, Emily pulled into the driveway and the kids quickly excited the car and went into the house. Great, now everyone in my family won't talk to me. At least I still have Annie.

She entered the house to find JJ peeling an orange for the twins, while Tony haphazardly tried to pour milk into the glass Chess was diligently holding still. Emily gently took the carton of milk from the boy, not in the mood to clean up a mess. Once they were set up with their snack, Emily looked at JJ. "Hey, can I talk to you inside for a minute?"

JJ nodded, placing a few napkins on the table for the twins before following her wife into their bedroom. "Is everything okay?" JJ asked, concerned.

"Um, I'm not sure. Jennifer, you've been acting really weird lately, and now the twins won't even talk to me." JJ wasn't sure she was ready to have this conversation, nor was the context appropriate. They needed to be alone to discuss everything they needed to talk about. "They're usually really happy to see me after school, but they were acting really weird. How should we approach figuring out what's going on, baby? With them and with us. I'm sort of lost here."

JJ nodded. "I…" she began, but was cut off sharply by the sound of a crash from the kitchen.

AN: Uh oh! What do you think happened? What do you want to happen? Let me know!

BTW I need to go to bed, so I literally did not proofread this at all. I'm sure I'll regret it!