Missing: Sniper

"... and zat is our current situation. Mister Hale... do you require zis in print?" Spy wasn't exactly 'fond' of the man who supplied their weapons, but he had gotten an appointment since, well, being a man down in a 9 vs 9 match-up isn't exactly the best position.

"Listen here boy I got NO time for readin'! I don't even know how to start somethin' like that!" Mr. Hale enjoyed entertaining his guests. Spy found the desk in front of him broken by the maw of a vicious crocodile. Saxton then proceeded to grab both jaws and tear it apart. He threw the lower half to Spy. "Here ya go, boy. You just got a SOUVENIR from SAXTON HALE!"

Spy set aside the free lower jaw he just received for the moment. Saxton went back to sitting in a chair made purely out of antlers. Any normal man who sat in this chair would be impaled, but in the presence of Saxton Hale, all of the spiky ends retracted and became limp, their masculinity forever shunned.

"Mister Hale, I shall repeat ze situation. We are a man down and zis... perpetuating stalemate cannot continue. Ze BLU shall overwhelm us and pierce our defenses, and it is only through our talent zat we have stayed alive zis long. It is a demand of the entire team for emergency supplies and weapons, SOME sort of advantage!"

Saxton brushed his mustache. "Which one is missin' again? What's wrong, not MAN enough to find 'im, hippie? Ha, if this were me he'd be dead. Excuse me..." Saxton proceeded to kick a shotgun into his hands from the floor. He fired it at a nearby window, shattering the glass. More importantly, he just shot down at least three vultures in one fire of the gun. Their corpses fell onto Ayers Rock, the only true hunting ground for Australians.

"Ze Sniper, Australian. Zis is why we have gone to you, Mr. Hale, knowing the plight of Australia an-"

"I see... ah, ya must mean that boy with the million gallon bladder! Great customer, that fella... alright, you got my attention, I'll wrangle up your pal an' set you up with a lifetime Mann Co. package, only a thousand bucks a month, guaranteed success or I'll give you a certificate proving you DO NOT EXIST!" Spy sighed, most of the technology that Mann Co. could have offered would have directly benefited him, but it appears he would have to settle for this madman bringing back the Sniper so that his team wouldn't be overwhelmed.

"Very well, Mister Hale. I shall supervise zis progress and ensure we find him."

"Ah why not, I could use a sidekick to hold the animal skins I find! Ha ha ha! Now... a guide to show us where that lil' fella is should come riiiiight NOW!" Saxton pointed to the wall. And sure enough, Duke Nukem came out of a glowing portal right where he pointed. Spy stood rather dumbfounded.

"Hey, you MEN takin' on a challenge? Heh, well just bet on The Duke and he'd finish it in a minute. There's a tower called Tartarus and you wimps gotta climb it. You got bad enough asses for that?"

"Son my ass is so bad it's a hazard to children to be within a hundred meters!" Duke took one look at Saxton Hale and his sunglasses broke. It would take a lot of women to recover from the sheer manliness before him - no one should possess that much girth.

Saxton stomped right through the portal. Spy gently moved past the Duke and smirked. "I believe zis challenge shall be quite enjoyable for ze both of us. If you would care to join us, Duke, we shall be waiting. Au revoir, you beef-filled blonde buffoon."

It took Duke ten minutes to recover from shock and close the portal after Spy and Saxton had long since entered.