He had just brought it to the next level. He knew that would never happen. There was no way that I was going to have a child with him. I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't. I just stood there. Frozen in time, frozen by words. "Do you want something to drink, coffee?" I had to break the silence. "Don't tell me you've never thought about it! If it was the two of us living here, with our own family!" This wasn't the right time for this. I wouldn't answer him. He sat down. Pulled out a zip lock bag. There he was. There the love of my life was sitting in my twins nursery, which I had with the other love of my life, doing heroin. I turned my back to him when the liquid traveled up the syringe. "I don't think you should be doing that." He laughed. "Like you don't drink, like you turn down other drugs when you're offered. Don't give me a lesson when you need it just as bad as me. If not worse." I didn't agree. "I'm not addicted! I can stop if I want too, if I need to." He snorted. "You're worse than me. I want orange juice."

We went downstairs. We didn't talk. He was slowing down. Eyes blurry. Just smiling. He was in his own little world. I couldn't help but to wonder how things were in his world. We sat down, he got his orange juice. I could tell he didn't want it anymore. He was taking small sips, eyeing me. I just waited until he was down. Downing some more booze, I couldn't deal with this sober. He was laughing at me. Looking around now. Dishes in the sink, some of the dinner still left on the stove. We share a joint he has. Joking around, having a happy buzz. "You're such a MILF!" I found that hilarious. I was scratching my back. He looked over at me again, smiles as he licks his lips, then he lunges for me. We tip over and the hit the ground. We laugh, it's the only thing. Our lips never met, but they do now that we were on the ground, in the dirt. I take him to my bedroom. I had been waiting for this the whole evening. The joint we shared made me almost changed my plans.

I let him undress me. He pulls off his own shirt himself. I open his pants; he kicks it off along with his socks. He wasn't wearing underwear, I'm still in mine. I lay down in bed. He climbs over me and lay down closest to the wall. We kiss and he puts his arms around me trying to remove my bra. I hug him, pull him closer. "You don't really want this." He looks up at me, confused. I put my hand on the back of his head; push it down so it's on my chest again. My chest becomes wet, he's crying. He's doing what I wanted him to. He's feeling, not lust nor anger. He's feeling the sorrow he's carrying inside. Not that I want him to be sad don't get me wrong, I just want him to feel it and not lock it inside. He's shaking. I kiss his hair; he's in need for a shower. That's not the important thing right now. He clings to me, as if I would slip from his embrace. It was tight; if I had sober it would have hurt. I'm not, so I'm fine. I don't feel the physical pain. "I think about us all the time! We both know it wouldn't work." He just kept sulking. I stayed up until he fell asleep and got some much needed sleep.

When I woke up my head was pounding. It felt like I was going to die, and I felt like dying when I remembered last night. I was alone in bed now. He must have skipped. The space next to me is still warm, maybe it had been the sound of him walking out that woke me up? I just laughed. We were just like that summer night we meet, he convinced me to have sex with him in the graveyard. I didn't want to, I thought it was horrible. It was just the start of not caring about my own feelings and morals. I just did what people asked me to. I did what he wanted, and that made me so happy. I wanted to feel that again, that's why I never turned anyone down, but I never felt like that night again. I felt so pretty and special when he begged me to keep on going on the back of Nick's truck. I was embarrassed because everybody was watching and cheering. When we were done I felt dirty and sick with myself. That's what I feel now, because now I know it was just for the sex he had said all those things. I asked Nick for his number, I had never done anything like that. I called several times, sent texts, but he never answered. Hell! I even went to see him when I was in New York! Sasuke answered the door. He told me he didn't do groupies twice. I hadn't even known he was in a band that time.

I looked over at my alarm clock, it read two. I moved to get up, but let out a loud scream of pain. I pulled off the covers. It was my arm; it was swollen and looked like hell. I tried to make a fist, it worked. It wasn't broken. I did my best to put on a bathrobe. I could hear Pieré moving around in the house. I sat down again. The pain was making me dizzy. If not I would have noticed that it wasn't just my clothes spread around on the floor. I allowed myself to fall back keeping my hurt arm in the air. I wanted to take some painkillers. It was really hurting, but I was always terrified to use them. "I did that, I'm sorry…" He had stayed. For the first time in God knows how long. I didn't remember much of last night, he knew every single detail. Alcohol had tainted my memory once again. "Your nanny is with the twins. I made you something to eat." I got up and ran to the bathroom. This was romantic, Jules decided to stay the night and be nice and I'm bent over the toilet. He followed me, walking speed. Held my hair and patted my back.

Tears rolled down my face and the acid taste was still in my mouth. I couldn't help but to laugh. He kissed my nose. I wanted to kiss him on the lips, but reconsidered due to what I had just done. "You could have put on your boxers or something," I commented after washing my mouth. He just shrugged, couldn't be bothered. "It's not like there's anything you haven't seen." I closed my eyes and shook my head. I couldn't help laughing, he was silly. So different from yesterday. I couldn't help but to feel in love with him, wish he always was like this. He isn't, he's cruel, selfish and arrogant. He's just like me; maybe that's why we could never be together. He's just like me, just that I put in an effort not to hurt everyone around me. I try to give a fuck while he just does what he pleases. "Can you… Can we?" He moves his hands up and down his upper arms like he's freezing. He looks so unsure and out of place. Like a kitten, like an innocent little boy even. I wait for him to finish. "I'm off; I haven't had any drugs yet. Can we lay in bed for a while, I need someone to hold me."

What if I wasn't right? What if he had started giving a shit? He climbs in bed. He had made breakfast for us. He eats a lot, he's skinny. He hasn't been eating, he's been doing heroin. We finish, I put the tray down and have one last slice of pineapple. He smiles, he looks content. A trail of juice falls down from my lip. He slowly leans over, licks it before our lips meet. It's slow, sloppy; we're both not feeling good. He lets his hand run through my hair. I put my hand on his chest, the other one is resting motionless next to me. It still hurts, but it's a good kind of hurt. "Thank you for taking care of me last night." It wasn't him to say thank you or sorry, he didn't do polite with friends. I'm not sure how to respond. "I'm sorry," I say. He's confused, puts one arm around me and fills the space between us. "For what?" I look up trying to find my words. "For showing up." I wanted to say all the pain I might have caused him, for ever sleeping with him, for making him cheat so many times and all the bad things I've ever made him do. "Don't be, I can't be going on like this. I can't feel anything when you're not around. I'm growing sick of everything. I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't work, all I can do is drugs."

I don't answer him. I once again found a loss of words. I didn't know what to say to make him feel better, so I didn't say anything. There wasn't anything to say to that. Jules just snuggled closer, he would fall asleep maybe waiting for an answer. I hated to push him away when he was so close, but my arm started hurting and I needed something to numb the pain. I found a bottle of Jack Daniels. I walked up to the twin's room while drinking. I just couldn't bring the bottle into the room. I put it down outside. Both of them were sleeping so I just sat down. That's all they're doing at this time of life, shit, sleep and eat. I liked it like this. It was simple. I would put them to sleep, I would change their diapers and I would feed them. I did love them, but I didn't spend enough time with them. I always found something else to do. It could have been birth depression maybe, but I wasn't sad or hated my children. I missed Fabriola too; I always wonder if she has changed since I left, I knew she had. If she missed her mother, I'm sure Deidara was taking good care of her but you never know.

I walked downstairs having picked up the bottle. Started making dinner, it was only two hours until Jules had to be at sound check. I think he would like some dinner before he had to leave, and then I'm not thinking about take out or restaurant food. I really didn't want to wake him up, but I had to. I had used about an hour making the food and he needed time to eat it. He looks terrible. He's having nightmares. His facial expression shows torment, sweat forming on his forehead. I bend down and kiss him. He grabs my shoulder, hard, as he woke up. He apologized again. His old self would rather have gotten mad for standing in his way waking him up. "I made some dinner, if you're hungry." He was, he was starving. There was hardly enough left for Pierré. He must have been hiding in his room, not sure what to do. I had never brought anyone home with me before. Sure he was used to me coming home completely wasted or spending the night somewhere else. He wasn't used to me spending the night at home with someone else.

Jules thanked me once again, he had liked the food. I told him Shikamaru had told him to show up at six so I called a cab for him. He got dressed and looked around. He wasn't used to spending the night, and he sure wasn't used to saying goodbye, so he didn't. "Come with me," he begged. He looked so sad again, I couldn't turn him down. He looked better now that he had gotten some sleep and food. The place was much bigger this night. We walked in the backdoor, he walked in front of me. I could see what he was doing, he was acting cold for his friends. He had to talk to Shikamaru, I was shown into the backstage room. "Of all the girls he has fucked, you're the only one I've seen twice!" The drummer from yesterday called out from the couch he was sitting in. "That's because we didn't." He wouldn't believe me.