Chapter XXXV
Tamar, Wolf Occupation Zone,
September 4, 3053
The warrior's caste presented a new dimension for Marissa. The day started with daily training to keep her body and mind sharp. Then the better part of the day was spent learning aerial tricks and maneuvers. Star Commander Molaram wanted a tight-woven unit, so he forced his men to work together as much as possible.
That felt strange, considering Marissa was the only one in her unit with "normal" proportion. The rest of the pilots were short, small, with unproportionally large heads and eyes. And she could see in their eyes that they were uncomfortable with her as much as she was uncomfortable with them. Race sentiment, after all, still lingered.
Nights, however, didn't change much. Everybody wound down and ended up in bed with someone else. The racial sentiment within her unit worked out great in the Clan's promiscuity: nobody in her unit had asked to couple with her. Marissa wouldn't mind a bit. It would be physically and mentally challenging to couple with someone with different physical attributes, and it worked both ways.
When she was in need of some relieve, she always came to the same place. She didn't have to worry about getting Darien in trouble anymore, now that she was in the warrior's caste. And although Clan culture encouraged diversification of coupling partner, Marissa always went to the same man. It scared her sometimes, knowing how she felt about Darien and knowing that Darien didn't feel the same way. But she couldn't help it. She never wanted anybody else.
"I miss you," Marissa breathed huskily, fighting her own labored breaths, as she rested her head on his hip. The musky scent of their body fluid turned her on, but coupling with Darien was always exhausting to the point where she feared for her own safety. "I miss the time we spent together."
"You have your own unit now," Darien replied as he wrapped his arms around Marissa's ankles. "Your star mates are your brethrens in arms. They should be in your mind, not me. I should perish from your memory."
"Oh, is that right?" Marissa propped her head, miffed. "Did you expect me to perish from your memory when you were at Satalice?"
"Neg, but it was a totally different situation…"
"Did you couple with anybody else at Satalice?"
"No… neg. Never."
"Then what is the problem?" Marissa scoffed bitterly. "I did not couple with anybody either. Not that I had an option, but that is a different matter. But you… you did not couple with anybody else because you chose not to! We have been a monogamous and exclusive couple since you left for Satalice four years ago. Why is it so hard for you to admit your feelings to me?"
"Do not use weak words," Darien tensed up on the bed. "We are both warriors of Wolf Clan. Emotional attachment will dilute our best judgment in the battlefield."
"Weak? Love is not weak! Love is the strongest bond in human life! Look how many wars were fought – and won – in the name of love! And you do not suppose that I did not do my homework on Sandra Tseng and Hans Jorgenssen, quineg?"
"Neg, and thus you should understand that the Ghost Bear will never be ilClan. They will never reach the prominence the way Wolf did, and will, when we reach Terra."
"So you never thought of me when you were in Satalice?"
"I…" Darien stiffened up uncomfortably. "I longed for your companionship every single day. I wanted to couple with you, and only you. You are my best coupling partner because I have complete enjoyment of coupling when I am with you. But coupling does not justify love. And neither does exclusivity. We can only go that far, and it should only go that far. That is the way of the Clan."
That comment hurt her like a barb, and if Marissa didn't have the prerequisite to act like a Clanner in front of Darien, she would've sunk her face on the pillow and let it go. He obviously didn't have an idea about human feelings. And as a trueborn Clanner, he might not want to understand it. But then, what should she expect from someone that was born out of a metal canister, brought up without the love of a mother, with sole intention to wage war across the galaxy? He was 'engineered' to be a machine of destruction, not a loving human being.
"I pray for you that someday you will find true love," she rested her head back on her chest. "I hope you will find a woman that will do anything for you in the name of love. I hope she is strong enough to go through a Jade Falcon gauntlet to get to you. By that time, you will remember having this conversation with me."
Darien didn't say anything. He just entwined his fingers in between Marissa's plump toes, not knowing exactly how to deal with this situation. Unlike a freeborn like Marissa, personal feelings were not subjected to indulgence in a trueborn's life. Perhaps he should talk to Ranna. Her romp with that Phelan freeborn was well spread, and she should be able to advise him how to deal with emotion. The problem was, instead of defused it, Ranna went along and embraced it. Talking to her – and asking for her advice – would only put him deeper into this emotional maelstrom, a far cry from what he wanted to do in the first place.
"Is that the reason you are still wearing your toe rings?" he asked, wiggling the toe rings on her right index and left middle toes. "True love?"
Marissa felt her cheeks turned into furnaces, and if she could see herself in a mirror, she was certain her face had turned blood red. She never realized that anybody would pay attention since Clanfolks didn't pay homage to accessories.
"It was a souvenir from one chapter of my life," she sighed. "There was this boy I used to…. uhm, couple, and we…" It was hard to explain emotional attachment to somebody who was lacking the concept, but she tried her best to make him understand. "We were committed and monogamous, coffin mates if you will. He wanted to give me something but didn't want anybody to know because… Anyway, he gave me those because they I wore shoes during the day, so nobody would see them, and at nights he would be the only one that could see it."
Judging from the look in Darien's eyes, Marissa decided it was pointless to continue.
"He is dead, but I keep wearing them to remind me of what I was once. Do you want to take them out?"
"They bear no importance to me," Darien sat up on the bed. "You can do whatever you wish."
Marissa would give anything to make him show a little jealousy. But he was as methodical and as cold as he was in the battlefield. There was nothing in his voice that convinced Marissa that he would reciprocate the affection she built for him. As passionate as he could be in their couplings, he would not see her more than a fellow warrior of the Wolf Clan.
It was a bitter fact that she just had to accept as a warrior of the Wolf Clan.
"Are there any future for us?" she coyly asked while wrapping her arms around his. "Any future at all?"
"As long as we both live as warriors of the Wolf Clan, we can keep our exclusive coupling."
It was not exactly what she was looking for, but she knew it was the only one she would get.