Chapter 35
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John sat dejectedly in the crowded waiting room of the ER, his head cradled in his hands, elbows resting on his thighs. They'd taken his Dad into one of the room about twenty minutes ago and John was completely freaked out. He couldn't lose him now, not when they were just starting to get along; or at least their version of getting along. It had taken him dying to get his Dad to ease up on his expectations of his son. Would it take his Dad dying for John to give up some control as well?
The scene at the restaurant had replayed in his mind more than a few times. The ambulance had arrived just minutes after he had started CPR and they had taken over for him. He had been urged to stand back but had still hovered nearby as the EMT's had needed to use the defibrillator when his Dad had gone into Cardiac Arrest. He swallowed hard as he remembered the jolts of electricity coursing into his Dad's chest causing his body to arc then fall again.
It had only taken once and John had seen the medical team relax slightly and start hooking up an IV as Patrick's chest had started rising and falling on its own. He had stood staring at them work, completely unaware of the couple who had called the ambulance asking him if he was all right. He thought he might have nodded at them but he honestly couldn't be sure.
He had insisted on riding in the ambulance to the hospital and had held his father's hand the whole way. But his Dad had been unconscious and he figured his father hadn't heard his words as he pleaded and begged him to hold on. He wondered if the pain in his own chest was anything compared to what his father had just experienced.
The hospital personnel had absolutely refused to allow him anywhere near the room they had brought him into and he had spent a few minutes filling them in on his father's information, or what he knew of it anyway. He had no idea who his primary care doctor was or what kind of insurance he had. They had let him use the phone and Carol had given them the information they needed. And she had promised she would give Dave the news. He expected his brother would be here very soon.
He raised his head and scanned the room, not really taking anything in, his eyes glazing over. His mind kept running over and over again when they had hit his Dad with the paddles. It had really unnerved him. He knew it shouldn't. Heck, he'd had those things used on him quite a few times, too but he'd been completely unaware at the time so the effect was different.
Although there was that time Ford had done it to release the Iratus bug from his neck. He did remember that it had hurt like hell for a second then he didn't remember anything after that. But he had felt the burn marks on his chest for a few days afterwards. He glanced toward the nurse's station and wondered when they would get him some information. He hoped it was soon.
He lowered his head into his hands again and clenched his fists into his hair. He dug the heels of his palms into his closed eyes and rubbed, thinking it would make the burning sensation go away. But it didn't. He kept the eyes closed because he knew if he opened them, they'd probably start leaking the tears he was attempting to hold in.
This was all his fault. They had been having a really pleasant conversation and he had gotten his Dad upset. Of course his Dad had gotten him upset first with his suggestion that he, Teyla and Torren should relocate to Earth. Okay, his father hadn't said Earth obviously but that was the gist of it. And he had accused John of not caring for his wife and child enough. He knew that wasn't true.
But he should have just told him he'd consider it and duked it out later when Teyla was nearby so the tension wouldn't be as bad. Teyla could ease tension better than anyone he knew. She was such a great diplomat. Maybe he should have just stayed away and not told his Dad he was alive. Except he hadn't done it, the Air Force had.
A few minutes later John heard footsteps and a presence near him so he looked up hopefully only to see that it was Dave and not a doctor. His brother looked harried and his gaze pierced into John.
"John, what happened? Carol said Dad collapsed and that he may have had a heart attack."
John stood to face his brother and he rubbed his hand over his face again. "Yeah," John's voice barely squeaked out. "We were having lunch at Bruscetti's and when we went back to the car Dad just stopped and started leaning against it. He was pale and could barely stand up. Within a few minutes he had collapsed and his pulse stopped. I had someone call for an ambulance and I started CPR. Luckily the ambulance got there quickly and they got his heart started again."
John looked back to the doorway they had brought his father through. "That was a while ago and I haven't heard anything yet."
Dave looked with concern to the front desk and then back at John. John's face was set in stone but his eyes were filled with fear and Dave knew how he felt. Actually Dave wasn't really sure how he felt since John hadn't been around much in the last few years and his relationship with their father had never been all that great.
"I'm going to go check with the desk and see if they have any new information for us," Dave announced and left John standing there alone. It only took a minute to find out that there was nothing to report yet and a doctor would be coming out as soon as they had information to share.
John had sat back down and Dave joined him on the next seat. Dave steepled his hands and rested his head on them as John ran his hands through his already untidy hair. They sat that way for a while then John cleared his throat.
"I uh … got him mad," his voice was soft and raw and Dave was unsure if he had heard correctly. He sat up a bit and said, "John."
John continued to look only at his hands. "He was angry. I didn't mean for him to …" John shook his head slightly from side to side. "He started saying if I really cared for Teyla and Torren … then I should come back here to live." He shook his head again. His voice was barely above a whisper and Dave had to lean down to hear him.
"I can't always give him what he wants … but maybe I should have …"
Dave saw what his brother was going through and rested his hand on his arm. "John, don't beat yourself up over this. Dad's been having chest pains for a while. I keep telling him to go see a doctor about it but you know how stubborn he is. He won't listen to me any more than he'll listen to you."
John looked up at his brother and his eyes wanted to be comforted by the words but were still doubtful. "Maybe I shouldn't have come back here. Maybe that would have been better."
Dave thought about that for a few seconds then shook his head. "No, John, that probably would have been worse. Dad was actually really afraid that you wouldn't want to come back and see us. He knew he'd put you through hell the last few visits and he felt really guilty about it. He regretted what happened and when he thought you were dead, it hit him pretty hard. I think if you had refused to come back here, that would have been much worse."
John was about to try and find some words but he saw a woman in a white lab coat talking to the head nurse and then she looked in their direction and headed toward them. He stood up quickly and Dave did too when he saw where John was looking.
"Is one of you Patrick Sheppard's son?"
They both nodded and Dave answered, "We both are. I'm David and this is my brother, John. Are you taking care of our Dad?"
"I was, yes," the woman replied. "I'm Dr. Anna Shelby and I've just had your father transferred to the Cardiac Care Unit on the third floor. He suffered a Myocardial Infarction, a heart attack, and will need to be monitored for a while. We're giving him an electrocardiogram and running some blood tests to see how severe the damage was. We've got him on oxygen and are giving him medications to help increase the blood flow."
"Is he gonna be okay?" John roughly questioned.
"They'll have to assess the damage first. He's being assigned a cardiologist and I believe it's Dr. Bellrieve. He's excellent and should already be upstairs monitoring the tests. If you'd like to go upstairs they can get you settled in the waiting room until your father has finished and is moved to his room."
"Is he awake?" Dave asked really desperate to know more about how his father was.
"He was still unconscious when I sent him up but he showed signs of waking so hopefully he will soon. If you take the elevator up to the third floor, the CCU is down the hall on your right."
Both men shook her hand and thanked her then headed for the elevator. Dave pulled out his cell phone and started punching in numbers. "I need to let Amy know. I called her on the way here but as I didn't have any information yet, I told her I'd call when I did."
John looked at his watch and commented, "The birthday party would be over by now, right?"
Dave nodded and replied, "Yeah, the kids were just starting to leave when I called the first time. I know …"
He stopped speaking to John and stared straight ahead and began talking into the phone. "Hi, honey, it's me. I'm at the hospital with John right now." Dave paused here and John assumed Amy was asking him something.
"We're not really sure exactly how he is. The doctor did say he'd had a heart attack but they don't know the extent of the damage yet. We're heading up to CCU right now. They're running some tests and we hopefully will be able to see him shortly."
Again another pause and now Dave looked unsure. "I could really use you here but I don't want the kids freaked out by this. And I feel bad that we were supposed to have Kristy's birthday dinner tonight. I'm not sure I'll make it back. We'll have to see how Dad is first."
Dave paused again and this time he looked at John. "Yeah, John looks like hell but he was there when it happened so I'm not sure he's out of shock yet. All right, sweetheart, I'll see you soon."
Dave hung up and they finally got onto the elevator and went up a few floors. Dave filled John in on the home front.
"Amy really wants to be here and truthfully I could use her. Honestly she's such a rock at times like this. When you were declared MIA then KIA, she got me through it. It's not like I could get support from Dad. He was having a hard enough time for both of us. And I know Amy helped him too by having him over the house so often. Teyla volunteered to keep an eye on the kids although she was worried about you. Can you handle this without her or should we try and get a sitter for the kids?"
They approached the doors of the CCU and had to buzz first. A nurse came to the door and when she knew they were family she let them in and showed them to a room they could wait in. Apparently only family was allowed and no more than two visitors at a time in the individual rooms.
John sat down and resumed his hunched position. He then answered Dave's earlier question. "If only two people can be with him at any given time then it makes no sense for Teyla to come. And it's really difficult for anyone else to watch TJ given he's still only nursing at this point."
They sat quietly again and Dave kept glancing over at John. The Sheppard men were all famous for their tight control over their emotions and John was no exception. But right now he looked so wound up Dave wondered if he'd snap. He wished he could help his brother but his own gut right now was twisted in knots and he felt fear wrap itself around his heart. Dad couldn't die! He just couldn't.
His father had always been there for him and Dave felt, hoped, that he had been around for him, too. His Dad had trained him to be who he was and had always supported him in learning the business and knowing all aspects of the job. But there was still so much left to learn. And his kids needed their grandfather. He knew that without a doubt.
Looking over at John again, Dave felt a twinge of anger and resentment race through him. John had been such a thorn in Dad's side for so many years and he knew it was a huge stressor in his father's life. Had this truly been what had caused the heart attack? But having John be declared missing then killed had put immense amounts of stress on his Dad, too.
Deep inside Dave knew that John was hardly responsible for disappearing and causing their Dad grief but a small part of him argued that if John had stayed here and worked for the company the way Dad had wanted then the stress of losing a son wouldn't have happened. He felt the anger surge inside and begin to grow. As it grew, his eyes searched for John again.
But John was still sitting hunched over and he could see his hands were clenched together but they were almost shaking. This had really affected his little brother. Memories flashed through his mind of John when they were small and several times that he had been hurt or sick and had looked up at Dave with that same pained look he was wearing now and his eyes had begged for comfort. He never would have said the words; Sheppard men didn't ask for help.
And he remembered giving his brother the support and comfort he needed. Sometimes he would just sit and read him a story or talk to him but there had been a few times that he had given him physical support by crawling into bed next to him and holding him. He'd done that a few times when their Mom had died, and they had been almost teenagers. And Dave had to admit he had done that maybe as much for himself as he had for John.
Thinking back to those times when they had truly been brothers and had helped each other out, and yes John had done his share of comfort and support, he felt the anger and resentment start dissipating. Yes, John hadn't been around for a long time but then they had both chosen their paths and Dave's just happened to be around here and John's path was a long and distant one. He could hardly blame him for that.
Dave stood and moved near his brother and placed a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. John glanced up and threw him a thankful smile that tried to break past the pain and hurt. Dave attempted a smile back. Neither one succeeded very convincingly.
"Um, Dad's car…" John began to stammer. "It's still in the parking lot at the restaurant. His keys … I don't know … he had them in his hands when … but I'm not really sure what happened to them." Dave could see that John was still trying to deal with what he'd witnessed and Dave knew it must be replaying in his head, tormenting him.
"Don't worry about Dad's car, John," Dave tried to reassure him. "I'll have someone go over and get it. I have extra keys in case they can't find them. You had the sedan today, right? Where's that?"
John looked up and appeared to be searching his scattered mind. "Uh, it's parked at the company, way in the back. It was the only spot I could find. We took Dad's car to the restaurant."
Dave just nodded and patted John's shoulder again. Silence returned and more minutes passed. When a middle aged man strolled purposefully in, John and Dave both jumped up and stared intently.
"I'm Dr. Edward Bellrieve. Mr. Sheppard?" the man said looking for confirmation from one of them.
They both nodded. Dave pointed to himself and said, "Mr. and he's actually Colonel. But you can call me David and he's John."
The man looked curiously at John and said, "Military? What branch?"
"Air Force," John answered quickly then asked, "How's our Dad?"
"Your father suffered a heart attack and as of right now we're still evaluating his condition. He's been in and out of consciousness and is very weak. We ran a few tests and are still examining the results. I'd like to do an Angiogram to see if there's a blockage somewhere. But I want him to be a little stronger before I do that. Right now he's still alive and that's always a positive thing. We've got him settled in a room across the hall and are hooking him up to the latest and best equipment. We'll monitor his progress and continue to run tests as we see fit. He is still very weak so I'd suggest you don't try and engage him in too much conversation. He needs to rest. But I also know that sometimes just having a family member sitting there is extremely comforting for the patient so if at all possible, it would be great for someone to sit with him until we know he's out of danger."
John and Dave both nodded vigorously indicating they understood. "When can we see him?" Dave asked anxiously.
"You can go in there now," Dr. Bellrieve said, "But remember he's pretty weak and needs rest."
John and Dave were led across the hall and cringed when they saw their usually robust father lying so still and pale in a hospital bed. He had an oxygen mask on and IV hooked up and monitors attached to his chest with all sorts of displays and screens giving vital information.
"I know it's a little daunting at first," Dr. Bellrieve admitted, "But believe me all this equipment is simply allowing us to monitor your father's condition efficiently. Everything in here is connected to the nurses' station out in the hall and we have staff manning the monitors at all times. I'll be in and out for a while and let you know when some of the test results have come back. Do you have any more questions before I make my rounds?"
John had a million questions but he knew he couldn't get a single one out coherently right now. His biggest one being was their father going to live. Dave seemed to have a similar question.
"What are his chances of survival?"
Dr. Bellrieve took a deep breath like he hated answering this question. "The fact that he survived the initial attack is a good thing but much of it will depend on how much damage was actually done to the heart. Even a mild heart attack causes permanent damage to the organ. That isn't something you can fix. But the heart is an amazing organ and can still function even with some damaged areas. But your father will have to change a few things in his lifestyle to accommodate the lesser functioning of his heart. But that's something that can be discussed once we've gotten him out of immediate danger."
Dr. Bellrieve turned to leave then paused to add, "There's a gift shop with books and newspapers and a cafeteria if you get hungry. It could be a long few days. You might want to do shifts so you don't both wear out. Are there other relatives who can take turns sitting also?"
"I'm sure our wives would do it but we've both got little ones so there are babysitting issues there," Dave informed him. "But we'll make due, don't worry. Thank you Doctor. We appreciate all your help and information."
The doctor left and John cautiously approached the bed to gaze down at his Dad. He was so pale and unmoving and it scared him. He remembered his Dad saying how frightened he was when he had first had a child but John thought he was now equally as frightened of losing his father. They'd actually managed to get along fairly well and it had been almost a week.
John saw Dave pat their father's hand and check out the machinery then take a chair on the other side of the room. John thought he had too much energy inside him to actually sit but there really wasn't anyplace to pace inside the room either.
He moved a chair close to the side of the bed and picked up his father's hand and held it tight.
"Dad, you're gonna be okay," John whispered to his unconscious father, "I know you are. You have to be. You're too damn stubborn to just give up and check out. And you need to make sure I don't screw up this parenting thing. I've screwed up so many other things in my life but this one is really important. I need you here to help me."
Dave gave a weak smile and said, "I don't think he can hear you, John."
"I know," John replied. "But like the Doc said, it may help just to know someone's here. When I was attacked by that animal I was in pretty bad shape for a few days. I was in and out of it and don't remember too much. But the one thing I do remember is knowing that Teyla was there. I could feel her presence when she held my hand and talked to me or TJ. I just want Dad to know that someone's here for him."
John squeezed his Dad's hand and hoped he could feel the pressure. But he remembered again all the fights they'd had in the past and wondered if maybe he was the wrong person to be doing this.
"Dave," John glanced apprehensively at his brother. "Maybe you should be the one to be right next to him. It's possible if I talk to Dad he'll just get worse. I don't want to make anything worse. I've caused Dad more worry and stress than anyone should have and I already feel guilty enough about that."
Dave managed a genuine smile this time. "John, Dad loves us both; and neither one of us more than the other as much as I might want him to or think he should." Dave's smile turned to a teasing grin at these words. John attempted a grin back but it was weak at best. He stroked the back of his father's hand and started up his one-sided conversation again.
A short time later, Dave got a text from Amy saying she was at the hospital but wasn't being allowed to visit at the moment. Dave looked at John and said, "I'm going to go out and see Amy and fill her in on what's happening. Then I think I'll see if I can find a newspaper or magazine to read while we're in here."
John nodded. "Maybe when you come back I can take a walk if Amy wants to come sit here for a while. I should probably call the house and make sure Teyla is okay."
"Sounds like a plan," Dave responded and left the room.
John looked out the door and could see that Amy was in the CCU waiting room. At least they had allowed her in the unit and she was close. She and Dave moved away and John turned back to continue staring at his Dad's face. At least he seemed peaceful and didn't appear to be in any pain, which was a small consolation. But he was so still and motionless, barely moving except for the slight rise and fall of his chest.
John continued to hold his hand and even laid his head down on it for a short while, trying to calm his turbulent stomach and keep it from churning his lunch and bringing it back up again. But his Dad's hand was so cold, John was afraid it meant he was slipping away from him.
As he squeezed Patrick's hand once more for reassurance, he thought he felt a tiny bit of pressure back. He sat back in his chair and watched as his father's eyes fluttered a bit then opened. They only stayed open for a few seconds then drifted shut again but John felt his heart lift at the sight.
"Dad?" John called softly and squeezed his father's hand again. "Dad, can you hear me?"
John definitely felt some pressure back on his hand this time and his father's eyes opened again and remained that way, though they were droopy with fatigue. John could see that he was trying to say something but the oxygen mask was muffling his words and making them incoherent.
John leaned in closer and laid his hand on his father's shoulder. "Dad, it's okay. You just need to relax. You're in the hospital now and they're taking good care of you. You'll be just fine but you're going to need to take it easy for a while. Don't try to talk. You need to save your strength for getting better, okay?"
Patrick seemed to relax at the sound of John's voice and John felt himself relax also, although only marginally. His Dad was still so weak and he wasn't used to seeing him this way. It terrified him. He continued to keep his eyes glued to his father's face and monitor his breathing and when his eyes opened and closed. He was definitely conscious now but he wasn't sure how cognizant he was of his surroundings or of what happened.
At one point, Patrick reached a shaky hand up and attempted to remove his oxygen mask. John tensed up and tried to keep him from succeeding but his father's voice drifted through the mask and faintly called his name.
"John."
"I'm right here, Dad," John reassure him. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here."
Patrick leaned back a bit and rested on the pillow but then attempted to sit up and reach for John. John tried to ease him back down but Patrick was adamant and John started panicking that his Dad would have another heart attack and this one would be worse than the first.
"Dad, you need to relax and rest. Please, whatever you need I can get for you but you need to calm down. Please, Dad."
Patrick pulled on John's hand and John leaned in very close as his Dad cleared the gravel from his throat. "Don't leave, John. Please, stay."
"I'm right here, Dad," John repeated. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay here all night if you need me to. I won't go anywhere. I promise."
"Stay." Patrick clung on tight to John's hand and John squeezed back, hoping his father knew he would be right here.
"Don't go, John, please," Patrick's weak voice whispered through the air and John got nervous that his Dad didn't understand that he wasn't going anywhere. He just kept repeating, "Don't go."
John was right up close to his Dad's face now, assuring him he would stay and that it was okay to rest but Patrick lifted the mask briefly again and said, "Don't go back, John. Can't lose you again. Please stay."
John took a deep breath in at the realization that his father meant he didn't want him going back to the base after his rehab here was done. Oh, God! That was a bit harder to promise. How could he tell him that? Of course he needed to go back. He really didn't have a choice.
He simply nodded at his father and held his hand tightly, letting him feel his presence. He searched his father's face and all sorts of memories rushed through his mind. He had images of his father carrying him on his shoulders and trekking through the woods on a campout, building a fire together that very night.
He could feel the splashing waves of the surf on Waikiki as his father had given John his very first surf board and told him he needed to learn how to use it. And John had. And he remembered his father's face when he had ridden his first wave. It was small by wave standards but he had stayed on the whole time and his Dad's grin was almost bigger than his had been when he sloshed out of the water, triumphant.
He remembered the huge hug his Dad had given him, completely surprising him with the gesture when he had won a Math competition in Junior High. And he'd actually allowed him to choose a meal from the adult menu at the restaurant they had gone to afterwards to celebrate. And John had done it justice by making sure he finished every ounce of the steak he had ordered. His Dad had patted him on the back and told him he'd done a great job all around that night.
He recalled when his Mom had gotten sick and his father had broken the news to him and Dave. He had told them they would have to be brave and make sure they helped their Mom out. They couldn't let her know how scared they were because it would only upset her. But after she had died, he had held them both close and they had huddled together on the couch, crying and holding each other tight. His Dad had said it was okay to cry now because their Mom was in heaven and she didn't need them to be strong for her any more. Her strength now came from God.
All of the fights and arguments they'd had vanished from his memory as he looked at his Dad's face. All the good times they'd had together ran through his mind, one after the other. He even had images of his father teasing him just this past week; then sitting on the floor of the playroom with Scotty zooming cars all over the place and Patrick zooming them right back. He thought of his Dad talking so gently to Torren as he cried and needed to be calmed. And he had calmed him. At the time John had felt a little slighted that his son would respond this way to someone other than Teyla or him but he had soon come to enjoy seeing his father in such a different scenario than he remembered him.
All these images, old and new, assaulted his senses and he felt completely overwhelmed. Indecision warred inside him and combined with the guilt he always had for everything he'd ever done regarding his Dad. His eyes roamed around the room, looking for answers but finding none. They finally settled back on Patrick's anxious face that still had the mask pulled slightly down.
"Please stay, John," his father's voice seemed to be growing weaker and his eyes were misty. "I miss you too much when you're not here. Can't lose you again."
How could he tell this man he had to go back? He wouldn't lie to him, that was just wrong but he really didn't have a choice. Or did he? Yeah, Landry, O'Neill and Carter had wanted him back but in all honesty, he had quite a number of years in the service and the last few years had been incredible and he had sacrificed a lot for the expedition. Could he actually ask them to remain stateside? He might not get a position in this neighborhood but the States were still far closer than a different galaxy.
His love for his Dad and the memories that had flown through his mind warred with his desire to be in Atlantis and fighting the Wraith, making a difference there. He felt pulled apart by the battle. But as his father's grip on his hand loosened and his eyes began to close he knew he couldn't lose this, couldn't lose his father. The guilt would eat away at him until there was nothing left but a dried out shell; not dissimilar to what happened when a Wraith fed on you. He knew how painful that was. Would this be even worse as it was emotional as well as physical?
"Dad, hold on, please," John begged and placed the oxygen mask back on his face. "You need to fight this. I know you're strong enough. You can do it."
But as his Dad repeated, "Please stay, John," once again, John felt his mouth move and the words, "I will, Dad, I promise," come floating out of their own volition.
He nodded once more as he placed a kiss on his father's forehead. "You get better and I'll make sure they transfer me back here. But you need to get better, Dad, you understand. You need to fight and get better. But now you need to rest so you can do that. I promise I won't leave you. I'm gonna be right here for when you need me."
He saw Patrick sink into the pillows and John worried he was slipping away but the grip on his hand grew tighter and he could feel the fight come back into his Dad. The steely eyes grew a bit stronger and his lips turned up at the corners. "Thank you, John. I need you here. I love you, you know."
John's vision began to swim and he blinked a few times to try and clear it. "I do know, Dad. And I love you, too."
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