AN: Here we are then. Thank you all for your reviews and alerts and special thanks to my new readers. I'm honored that you took the time to read all 37 parts to catch up with us and I hope you continue to enjoy the story!
Warning: This part is rated 'M' for a reason. Please feel free to PM me any questions you might have prior to reading and I will answer them for you as best I can.
Part 37- Seeing Red
Rowan doesn't come to dinner the night of our fight and he doesn't come the next day either. I don't see him at all for the next three days and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. Clearly he's just doing as I asked, giving me room to cool off after our argument and figure things out, but I am bitter at his absence. It seems I just can't be pleased right now no matter what he does, even if it is childish to give him the silent treatment.
Ash doesn't bring Rowan's name up when he's absent from the table, though Holly shoots a sad look at the empty chair. Apparently they've had a talk, and he's informed her that they shouldn't ask about Rowan because she doesn't mention his absence either.
Holly, being nine years old, can only keep her mouth shut about so many things at a time, and three nights after my argument with Rowan, she wears a secretive grin all through dinner. She waits until we've all finished eating before making her secret known.
"Ash asked a girl to the end of the year dance today." She announces a singsong voice.
I arch an eyebrow and wait for his reaction, watching the tips of his ears redden.
"Shut up, Holly!" He grumbles.
"He likes her. She gave him a kiss under the tree in the schoolyard. I saw it." She teases him, giggling and poking him in his ribs.
Ash's entire face blooms red, "I said shut up!" He shoves her shoulder and jumps up from his seat before rushing out the front door.
"Holly," I sigh, "You shouldn't make fun of him like that."
"I was only joking!" She whines, clearly she thinks Ash has overreacted, which he probably has, but it's never easy to gather the courage to talk to one's crush, and I know that approaching this girl was especially daunting for my younger brother.
"I know." I assure her, "Why don't you clean up here and I'll go talk with him?"
She nods and starts clearing the table to wash up the dishes. Ash is chopping wood around the side of the house and I can hear his overzealous blows as soon as I step outside.
"Ash," I say walking into his line of sight as he works, "you know she didn't mean anything by it."
"She was making fun of me." He grumbles, leaning on the ax to look at me.
"She was just joking. You two have joked since the day she was born," I remind him and it's not really an exaggeration. She used to giggle with him when he would play around with her as an infant.
"Well, I don't like her making fun of me with girls." He shrugs and scuffs at the dirt with the toe of his shoe.
"I'll try and explain that to her." I nod before I continue asking, "How did it go?"
He tries to contain a grin that is determined to make an appearance across his face. He's at that age where he doesn't want to seem too excited about anything but he fails pretty miserably at hiding it.
"She said yes." He admits, his eyes sparkling joyously. "I almost chickened out. She was walking home with the butcher's boy but she said hi to me on the way out of school and I just- I did it. I asked her if I could talk with her alone, right there in front of him, and she said I could. Then I just asked her."
He's grinning broadly now, no longer attempting to hide his pride. I smile at his innocence. There really is something special about one's first crush. Linden and I had gone through the same phase, though neither of us had admitted to having crushes. We were too stubborn to admit anything to one another until that night he first kissed me.
"That's wonderful, Ash." I say warmly, "We'll get you a new shirt and pants before the dance."
He nods happily, "She said yes right away. I think she was happy that I asked her."
"Well of course she was happy." I roll my eyes and gather him to me for a hug, reluctant on his part, "Any girl would be lucky to have my little brother's attention."
He groans and wiggles in my arms playfully but I can sense him smiling even though he pretends he doesn't want the contact. He's still my baby brother, even if he pretends he's all grown up.
"You're crushing me." He mumbles and I laugh letting him go after I quickly muss his hair up.
…
The next day, as we walk back from the blacksmith's house who has an ailing wife we've been treating, Juni tells me Rowan is leaving on the afternoon train.
"I know you two had a fight." She bluntly informs me.
"And how would you know that?"
"I heard about what happened in the square the other night, and I heard you took him home. I'm not a fool. I know you both have tempers that could give me a run for my money. I put two and two together- you've been moody as a dog with a burr in his paw for the last few days."
Sometimes I almost hate how well Juni knows me. She can nearly tell how I'm feeling before I even know myself. I sigh and roll my eyes in response.
She clicks her tongue against her teeth, "You'll take the afternoon and go see him off."
"Maybe I don't want to see him." I argue petulantly.
"You do still want your job, don't you?" She counters and I know there's no point in fighting with her. Juni is as stubborn a woman as I've ever met, and once she's set her mind to something I'd be hard pressed to change it.
"I won't have you moping around once he's gone because you didn't make up before he left. You of all people should know how fleeting life can be. I'm surprised you've let it go on for this long."
It's a low blow but she's right and now that she's brought it up I can't let him leave without trying to resolve our argument.
"Fine." I grumble grudgingly.
…
It is because of this conversation that I find myself standing on the train platform a few hours later, only feet away from Rowan, staring awkwardly with my arms folded over my chest in a show of irritation.
He steps over to me hesitantly, a shadow of a smile on his face. Clearly he's more willing to forgive and forget than I am.
"I'm glad you came." He says, looking at me with that same lost look he had on his face all those days ago as I walked out of his house. I can feel my resolve melting at the nearness of him so I stubbornly shake my shoulders, trying to throw off the feeling so I can focus on what I'm here to do. We need to figure out what will happen now- if we can move on from here.
"Juni made me." I tell him flatly.
"Oh." He nods disappointedly, "Well, you don't have to stay if you don't want to. You've done what she told you to."
"I haven't yet. Not really." I reluctantly admit, "She said we should make up."
He chuckles but the laughter doesn't reach his eyes.
"I'm sorry." He says and I can see in his eyes he truly is. He looks like he hasn't been sleeping well and there's so much guilt and pain in his gaze that I have to look away, ducking my head to look at our toes.
"You were trying to protect me." I concede and he nods his confirmation as though it were necessary. "I don't agree with your means of doing it but I know you had good intentions."
"It was stupid of me not to tell you. And it was even more stupid to go drink instead of talking with you. Ash is your brother and you should be the one in charge of making decisions about his safety."
I realize that by admitting this, he's starting a game of give and take, making tiny steps towards finding a middle ground in this argument, a simple attempt at bringing us back together.
"You love him too. You love him like he's your own brother. I know that. It's just- it's hard to trust anyone else with his safety."
"I understand why you think you need to be wary. You've all had to live through a lot of bad things, but I promise I won't leave you or try to hurt you. You can trust me to be here for you and Ash and Holly. I want to be a part of your life forever."
Forever.
I can't handle thinking about the implications of that one word right now. But that doesn't really matter at the moment because that sentence added to the look he's leveling at me, breaks me down. I cross the space between us in two strides and his arms are already waiting to catch me, gathering me to him tightly as though he might never let go.
"I'm sorry." I whisper against the soft linen of his shirt.
"I'm sorry too. So sorry, Camellia. We both said and did things we didn't mean." He assures me, "I'm just glad you came before I left. It would have killed me to wait until I got back."
"How long will you be gone?"
"Until the morning of the Reaping." He says dully.
I hate that he has to be away from me in the days leading up to the Games. I know it can't be an easy time for him, just as it's a difficult time for me. Now he'll be in the Capitol, which would only make it that much worse.
"So you'll only be home for one day before you have to go back with the tributes?" I ask.
He nods slowly, "I can't make one of the others mentor. They're worse off than me. I've already volunteered to do it."
I sigh heavily, trying to pull myself closer to him. I'm beginning to regret that I spent the last week ignoring him like a petty child instead of trying to work things out. It will be weeks before we get to spend any time alone with one another. Anger bubbles up in me and the irrational words leap from my mouth before I can stop them.
"Is this how it's always going to be then? You leaving? Going off to the Capitol and letting them do awful things to you just to keep us safe?" I should be mortified at my anger. He's willing to put himself through hell to make sure nothing happens to Ash, and I have the audacity to be angry about it.
Really, I'm angry with Snow and the Capitol, not him, but it sure doesn't sound like it the way I speak now. Rowan seems to understand where my words are coming from though, and he sighs slowly.
"That's the way it has to be, Camellia. What other choice is there?"
I shake my head, trying to think my way out of this, to keep this man, who I love so much, and my family safe. The thought enters my mind and I don't give it a second thought before I voice it.
"We could fight them."
Four words. Four simple words. And yet those four words could be my death sentence if the Capitol is listening now. They know I hate them already, of course, but until now I've never said anything about starting a rebellion. This afternoon, in broad daylight, in a public place, I've committed treason.
"We could, Rowan. There must be a way. You said so yourself that you wanted to." I whisper fervently.
I'm sure I probably sound crazed but I can't help myself. I don't want this to be our life forever. I can't let them keep hurting Rowan because he has the weakness of loving people, like my siblings and me.
Rowan lets out a strained laugh but the laughter doesn't reach his eyes, "Come on, Camellia, you know that's impossible. You were the one who said it first."
And he's right. I did tell him only weeks earlier that fighting would be impossible. Even the thought is absolutely ludicrous- two young adults taking on the Capitol. I had resolutely refused the possibility only a couple weeks ago. But now, when I'm desperate to protect the man I care about from the Capitol, I'm sure there has to be some way. We have to fight back somehow.
He gives me a sad, resigned look. I know he doesn't want to give up on the possibility of fighting but it's unrealistic at this point, as he's about to board a train to the Capitol where he will be forced to do their bidding in an attempt to ensure my brother's safety. He would fight rather than do what he's forced to do, if only there were some hope of winning the battle.
"I hate that you have to go." I murmur, burying my face against his neck and planting a kiss there.
"I know," his arms tighten around me before whispering just louder than a breath, "I'm going to find a way. There must be others who want to fight too. It won't be right away, Camellia, but we will."
He pulls me away to meet my gaze with his own. His eyes are dark and dead serious, "We will fight them. I promise you that."
I don't give a second's thought before my lips are sliding desperately over his. I'm sure it's foolish to try and fight the Capitol, but we have to try. I'm scared nonetheless though, and so very, very in love with the man I'm kissing now.
I don't know how long the kiss lasts. It seems like an eternity and yet it's not long enough. The train whistle pierces the air, bringing us back to reality, breathless and flushed cheeks. I give him one last chaste kiss before taking a step back.
"I love you." He murmurs, eyes still clouded with our kisses as he steps back toward the train whose doors are beginning to close.
"I know." I reply, following him up to the stairs of the train car, "I love you too, Rowan."
…
"So what colors do you think you want to wear?" I ask my younger brother as we walk into town on a balmy spring afternoon several days after Rowan's departure for the Capitol.
"I don't know. I haven't thought about it." Ash shrugs then his eyes widen, "Does it matter?"
I laugh and mess his curls with my hand, "Do you know what Dahlia is going to wear?"
"Am I supposed to?" He asks with a panicked voice as he looks around, waiting for someone to divulge to him what his date will be wearing. It's all I can do not to chuckle at his reaction. He's been completely wound up ever since Dahlia said yes. He squints into the bright sun, watching Holly skipping happily several paces in front of us.
"I don't think my stomach will ever feel settled again." He admits, just louder than a whisper.
I put an arm around his shoulders a squeeze lightly, "Try not to be nervous, Ash. Just be yourself with her, obviously she likes you as you or otherwise she wouldn't have agreed to go to the dance with you."
"Yeah." He mumbles, sounding somewhat reluctant to agree, as we step into the village square.
A flurry of activity is taking place on the far north side and it only takes me a moment to realize what's going on. They're setting up the screens for the Reaping. It's only a three days away now and my stomach churns of its own accord, as if I needed to be reminded that this year I should be nervous. This year is Ash's first Reaping. For a moment I think I might be sick but I breathe deeply to calm myself down again.
Ash's shoulders lean into me ever so slightly and I know he must be thinking about it too. I tighten my arm around him instinctively and a tiny voice starts nagging in the back of my mind again as it has started doing ever since Rowan left. I shake it off stubbornly as we enter the tailor's shop, now is not the time for such thoughts.
It's several painfully indecisive hours later by the time we leave the shop with a new shirt and pants for Ash. With the help of the cheerful young apprentice in the shop, Ash chose a soft yellow shirt. It had taken almost a half hour of convincing him that the color made him look handsome and much older before my younger brother agreed that it was the best choice. The apprentice had also recommended beige dress slacks, which Ash had agreed to much more readily.
That night, as I lie in bed trying to fall asleep, the same nagging voice returns, reminding me that Ash's name will be in the bowl once this year. Only once, I try to tell myself. That's only one chance for him to be chosen. But one chance is one chance too many, I admit in the back of my mind.
I want to get out of bed, perhaps pace around downstairs until I'm too tired to stand anymore. I can't put up with these thoughts in my head but I can't stop them either. The fear eats away at me but I can't bring myself to move. I'm paralyzed at the thought of losing my little brother.
I don't sleep that night, instead lying there in terror until the sun rises and pushes the horrific thoughts to the back of my mind. I drag myself out of bed and ready for work as Ash and Holly wake up for school.
Holly flits about the room, positively glowing with excitement about the dance today, as I set out breakfast. She grins and spins her way over to the table before perching lightly on her chair and munching contentedly on her toast.
Ash ambles downstairs just before we need to leave, cheeks already flushed pink and hands in his pockets.
"I look stupid." He mumbles, gazing at the toes of his shoes.
"You do not!" Holly argues from her seat at the table, "You look really pretty."
Ash's face flushes even redder and I do my best to hide a smile.
"Not pretty, Holly." I correct her and Ash looks up hopefully, "You look very handsome, Ash."
He ducks his head again but I just barely catch the corners of his lips turning up in a smile as he scuffs the floor with his shoe.
"Really?" He questions softly.
"Yes!" Holly replies firmly, leaving no room for argument.
This seems to improve his mood and he quickly digs into breakfast, taking care not to dirty his shirt as he does.
After I arrive home from work, the house is still dark and silent. Normally Holly and Ash are home long before me, but the dance runs late after school so today I'm alone. I fumble around in the kitchen for a while as I make dinner, setting aside two plates for when they arrive home from their dance. Ash agreed to walk Holly home so I have nothing to do besides wait and think. The house is too quiet without them here and without Rowan around. It lets my mind wander too far.
Before I realize what I'm doing I've gone upstairs and pulled out three old, linen bags. I glare down at them as though they've offended me personally. I shouldn't do this, I know. I shouldn't even be thinking about it, but I can't help myself right now. My mind is lost in some strange and terrifying place and there is nothing to distract me from it.
I start packing the few important possessions I own; Linden's engagement ring, the photo of my parents, the necklace that Rowan carved for me when I first came home to my family. I gather my clothing next, as much as the bag can carry.
I move to Holly's dresser next and end with Ash's. I do all of this without ever fully admitting to myself what the back of my mind is thinking. It's not until I sit down in the center of my bed with the three stuffed bags around me that I whisper it so quietly I'm not sure I've even said it out loud.
"We could run."
All afternoon my mind has been imagining the Reaping, imagining Ash's name being chosen. It has envisioned my last words with him in the Justice Building and watching his terrified face on the giant screens as the countdown to the start of The Hunger Games begin.
I can't let that happen. I can't watch my baby brother die the same way that Linden did. The thought makes me sick. I run to the bathroom and empty the contents of my stomach. I stay there for a while, resting my cheek against the cool porcelain of the toilet.
We could run. We know the woods. We could do it. But my mind is its own worst enemy because just as soon as these thoughts are formed it starts arguing with itself. We could be caught. What would they do to a family who ran from the Reaping? A simple death seems too kind and Snow wouldn't miss an opportunity to make an example of us, I'm sure. And what about Rowan? He's not here and we would have to leave him behind. I wouldn't be able to leave word about where we'd gone. We might not ever see him again. My chest throbs, taking my breath away at the thought. What if Snow punishes him?
I'm still arguing with myself when I hear the door swing on its hinges downstairs. I wash my face quickly and hurry down to meet the.
Holly is still in a joyous mood and doesn't stop talking for a moment as she eats. I wonder how she manages to breathe between all the stories. Ash is silent by contrast, seemingly caught up in his own thoughts about the night.
It's not until I've ushered Holly upstairs for bed and return to clean up that Ash finally speaks up. He clears his throat loudly and, when I turn to look at him from the plate I'm washing, he's grinning ear-to-ear.
I can't help the smile that breaks out across my own face, despite all my worries, "What is it?"
"How-" He starts but his voice cracks and he clears his throat before starting again, "How did you know when you were first in love with Linden?"
My eyes widen in surprise. I hadn't expected that to be his question. I suppose he is only about a week away from being thirteen but he still seems too young to be asking about something like this.
"I don't know." I murmur, at a loss for words, "It's hard to explain, Ash. I just knew. He just felt right."
"What about with Rowan?" He questions softly, still smiling contentedly.
I give a surprised laugh, "I never told you I was in love with Rowan, Ash."
He rolls his eyes, "I know you are. It's obvious. Ever since he came home last time-"
He trails off to my laughter again.
"I just did." I admit, "I think you just know."
He blushes and looks down at his hands before quietly admitting, "I think I'm in love with Dahlia."
"Really?" I ask incredulously, unable to think of anything better to say.
He nods, "I kissed her- really kissed her. It was-" He sighs contentedly and waits a moment before finishing, "It was perfect."
I smile half-heartedly as my heart throbs. He can't be in love. He shouldn't even have a crush because two days from now he might have his heart broken. Dahila's name could be pulled from the Reaping bowl.
"I'm going to go to bed." He informs me and as he walks away it looks as though he'd walking on a cloud, dazed and in a world all his own.
When I return to my room later that night, I shove the bags under my bed. I still haven't decided whether to unpack them or not. I don't want to think about them or the Reaping. I don't want to think about how Ash is in danger. I don't want to think about anything. I only want to sleep. I can't even do that though as I turn restlessly through another night and watch the sun rise the next morning.
"Camellia, where are all my clothes?" Ash asks as he comes downstairs in a particularly worn outfit, one of the few I left in his drawers.
"Oh, I took them all out last night." I say evasively.
He gives me an odd look, "Why?"
"I- I wanted to," I shrug as I try to make up a believable lie, "I wanted to check them all for any mending they might need."
It's a pathetic lie, really, but he shrugs it off either way, still in too good of a mood from last night to interrogate me.
"I'm going out to set some snares today and then I wanted to go play a game of ball with some of the other boys." He informs me. I nod and make him up something to eat for lunch since I know he won't take the time to stop home between the two activities.
I spend most of the day with Holly out near the lake. She had begged me in the morning to go swimming and I had relented without much convincing. It helps to be out of the house with my mind busy but several times I find my thoughts drifting to the three bags underneath my bed. Should we run? Can I leave Rowan for my family's safety? Surely he'd be safer without us too. He would be able to refuse the Capitol. I take a ragged breath, a stabbing sensation starts in my chest at the impossible decision I'm trying to make.
A wave of water crashing over my face brings me back, "Hey!" I shout splashing back at Holly who is giggling in the water a few feet away. She's a very good swimmer, even better than me despite having less practice.
"You were gone again." She says.
I frown, "What do you mean gone?" I question, slowly making my way closer to her.
"You were gone to wherever you go. You had that funny look on your face like your head was somewhere else." She informs me with a smile.
I had been somewhere else, of course, but I hate that it's so obvious that my baby sister can notice it. So instead of addressing the situation I put a hand on her head and firmly push her under the water. She surfaces a moment later sputtering and laughing with a shriek as she lunges at me to return the favor.
It's several hours later before we find our way to the banks of the water and start to dry off in the late afternoon sun before starting the walk home. She sighs contentedly beside me and turns her head so her wide green eyes focus on me.
"I'm scared." She says so matter-of-factly that I would have thought she was telling me about the weather.
I frown, "Why are you afraid, Holly?"
"What if Ash gets picked?" She questions, her voice trembling ever so slightly, so different from her typically lighthearted chatter.
"He won't, Holly." I say softly, trying my best to convince myself along with her.
"Are you sure?"
"His name will only be one in hundreds." I respond, because I can't promise her that his name won't be drawn. A shiver runs up my spine.
She shuffles over so her small body is pressed up against my own and cuddles into my side.
"I don't want our family to change." She murmurs, "I like us like this. You, me, Ash…" She trails off and I think she might have fallen asleep after our long day of swimming but she sighs a moment later.
"Can Rowan be part of our family too?" She asks, hesitantly saying his name, still worried that I might be fighting with him. I never told my siblings that we had made up just before his train left.
I bury my nose in her hair and take a deep breath, "I think he's been part of our family for a long time. Don't you?"
She nods against my chest, "Are you going to marry him?"
My heart skips a beat.
"I don't know Holly."
Rowan and I have never even approached the topic. And here I am, spending the day wondering if I can leave him behind. How could I even think about it if I really loved him enough to marry him? It's impossible of course. He has an image the Capitol demands he maintain and that doesn't include a wife.
"I think you should." She says sleepily as she begins to doze off, leaving me with the complicated thoughts about love and how I can possibly choose between my brother's safety and leaving the man I am in love with.
…
I'm sitting alone on the porch two nights later, rocking gently in the chair Holly and Ash made for me. They just went up to bed and I'm trying to enjoy the slight breeze that plays at the loose strands of hair around my face. The cicadas hum loudly in the trees and are serenaded by a chorus of crickets.
Tonight could be perfect. It would be, if only the Reaping wasn't tomorrow and Rowan was sitting next to me. The cicadas can't keep the thoughts from my mind, going around in circles, debating whether I should try and run with my siblings or stay and hope nothing bad happens.
I can't run though, my mind finally decides. The fences surround the district so we would be confined to the woods here. Even if we hid up in the mountains, we would be caught for sure and we can't leave Rowan behind to suffer whatever wrath might wait. No. Ash's name is only in the bowl once. There's no way he'll be chosen. For once, the odds are actually in our favor.
My mind is so distracted by these thoughts that it isn't until I hear crunching footsteps along the path in front of the house that I startle back to reality and look up, squinting toward the source of the sound. Two, white-clad figures wander into sight, glowing in the moonlight. Peacekeepers. My muscles tense and I stand as they walk up to the porch.
"Miss Goldenlarch?" One of the men inquires with a slight accent indicating he hails from somewhere other than seven.
I don't recognize either of the men but it doesn't surprise me since a train arrived last week, bringing in new peacekeepers to monitor the district more closely during the Games. I think a part of Snow is always worried that the districts might finally snap and try to fight back as they watch their children get murdered. Nothing ever happens though.
"Yes." I answer, trying to keep the edge of suspicion from my voice.
"We just wanted to have a little talk with you." The other slurs, his voice carrying that all too familiar Capitol accent. I sniff the air just as a breeze brushes by and I catch it. I can't believe I didn't smell it the second they got here- they reek of alcohol.
"I wasn't aware that Peacekeepers are paid to talk with district citizens. I thought your duties ended with enforcing the peace."
The first man chuckles, "You have a sharp little tongue. I thought Capitol whores were taught to be silent."
I take in a sharp breath at the insult but I don't say anything. Any angry remarks will only incite punishment.
"Maybe that's why they sent her back." The second man leers. "She couldn't keep her pretty little mouth shut while they fucked her."
"I think you'll like this talk, dearie." The first man says with a terrifying grin. I remain frozen and silent as I wait for him to continue, which he seems all too eager to do. "You know why your little boyfriend went back to the Capitol?" He asks wiggling an eyebrow at me.
"They called him back for some pre-Games business." I state curtly, trying not to let the panic show through.
"Sure they did." He replies with a sharp laugh, "It's convenient- him out of the way so we can be here with you tonight. You know, your little brother up there sleeping is turning twelve this year, isn't he?"
Of course I know Ash is twelve this year. I'm his sister. But a chill runs through my veins when he asks the question and all I can manage is a nod in reply.
"Well I have it on good authority that his name will be the only one in that bowl this year. Or the only one they'll be calling anyway." He says with a rolling laugh.
My stomach lurches and I grab the porch railing for support as I try to remember to breathe. I can't speak. I can't even think what his words must mean. It's impossible. They make no sense. Ash's name is only in once. These men can't know whose name will be called and they certainly can't be sure it will be my brother's.
"Imagine how much the Capitol would love that story. They love you Miss Goldenlarch. Your story would be the most tragic one in Panem. First your parents killed, then your fiancée, and now your kid brother. No one would dare question the Capitol's authority after your pathetic life." He spits.
"You're making that all up." I blurt out furiously, shaking my head fervently, "Ash's name will only be in that Reaping bowl once. They won't choose him-"
"The Capitol will do whatever it wants and your little brother's name getting pulled will make for great television." The second man, who's been silent during this entire exchange, cuts in. "We might be able to help though, dearie." He says too slowly, taking an unsteady step forward and running a hand down my arm as the other reaches for my waist.
I step back sharply, causing him to stumble into the stairs. He grumbles nasty words under his breath but I'm already staring back at the other man.
"Get away from me! I don't want your help!"
The panic in my voice is clear now. My mind can't keep up with what's happening. They're threatening Ash. He's not safe. And now they're advancing on me even as I try to back away.
The second peacekeeper grabs a hold of my arm before I can react, his fingers biting into the skin there. I'm sure there will be bruises there in the morning but I can't be bothered to care as he presses his body into mine and his lips find my ear.
"We weren't asking if you wanted the help, pretty." He whispers, his tone deadly and his breath hot. I shudder in disgust and try to twist out of his grasp.
Everything starts to move too fast as he yanks me roughly from the porch and throws me to the ground. His body seems to slither over mine, pinning me hopelessly to the ground under his weight. The first man, after regaining his composure, joins him.
They're grabbing, touching places they shouldn't. Places I don't want them to. I close my eyes and realize this nightmare is happening all over again. It's just like that first night. It's just like Milo is still here, hurting me.
His face flashes across my mind, laughing. Laughing because he still has power over me even after all this time. Laughing because it's happening again. Laughing because I'll never be free of this.
I take in a sharp breath as a hand reaches under the waistband of my pants. I want to scream but I can't. Ash and Holly are asleep upstairs. They can't see this. The smell of alcohol is heavy in the air, like a cloud around me. I close my eyes tightly against their leering faces, lips parted in grotesque anticipation of what is coming. With their faces shut out, my thoughts start to float more clearly across my mind, as though I've frozen the world and nothing bad is happening. Some tiny, quiet voice whispers the thought at first but my mind keeps repeating it until it is screaming in my mind.
This time is different. This time I'm not hazy with alcohol. This time the men are drunk and I'm not. Tonight I can be stronger than they are. The voice keeps chanting these words over and over.
The anger comes out of nowhere. I've heard people see red sometimes when fury overcomes them but that's not the case with me. When I open my eyes again, I can see everything crystal clear. I can see that the two men, in their excitement, have left my hands unguarded. If I move quickly enough, I can roll to my right to get out from under their reach. Then I can run.
As hands start to pull my shirt up over my head, I make my move, quickly turning away from them and finding my footing. My eyes alight on the wood splitting log; just over there is the ax Ash uses. I must run to it, though I don't remember deciding to because suddenly I'm pulling the ax from where it rests and turning to face my attackers.
They're running after me and I can see in their faces that they don't realize what's about to happen yet, still too distracted by their lust. I'm not even sure I'm aware of my plan until, just as the first man reaches me, I swing right into his neck. It's not nearly enough to take his head off, I'm not strong enough for that, but the amount of blood pouring from his neck tells me it will only be moments before he's dead.
I watch the terror register on the second man's face and he turns to run away before he ever reaches me. He thinks if he doesn't get close enough, my axe can't reach him but he's wrong. I've never been a good shot but tonight I feel different. I know that I won't miss. I swing my arm forward and send the weapon flying through the air. It makes a soft thud as it connects with the dense bone of his spine. I have never hit a target so accurately in my life.
I realize that I'm breathing, fast and heavy and notice the wet chill on my arms and hands. I look down and see blood spattered all over the front of my body- from the first man obviously.
Something in me breaks loose at the sight of it and I fall to my knees as the world starts to spin. I vomit on the grass next to the man whose blood is still pooling around him staining the grass black in the moonlight. For a few moments I stare, watching the blood trickle slowly down the white fabric of his uniform. I take a shuddering breath and heave again but there's nothing left in my stomach.
When I look up again at the two dead bodies lying in the yard, my blood turns to ice. What have I just done? All the anger is gone now, replaced by a rush terror. I've just killed two peacekeepers. I have nowhere to run; fences surround the district. It's only a matter of time before I'm caught and killed myself.
What am I going to do?
The question repeats in my mind as I rub my bloody hands over my thighs, staining my pants crimson.
What do I do now? How do we escape?