Thanks to the guests who said they missed this story. Yes, Olivia will comfort again Amanda, but in her own time. There are moments where I don't feel like it's appropriated because I believe Amanda is working so hard with so many mixed emotions that she can't welcome the hand that Olivia offers.. Hmm.. and yes, it takes me time to write.. but most of all it asks me to be in a special heart-disposition to welcome the emotions while writing. But when I can do it, I really put my heart in it and it's not a sacrifice, it's a pleasure to offer you a new chapter. I just wanted to say I appreciate the quality and the sincerity of your comments. I feel like I wanna write every time I see a new notification.
Luv svu: you know, it surprises me every time that you do know what I truly mean beyond words. Sometimes, it kind of affects me very much. Sometimes, it truly encourages me to know that in a weird way, you care. Haha. No, for real, in both cases, it helps because, you make me grow and if in any way I can offer you something positive, than I consider myself happy. I was deeply touched to know that you liked this particular paragraph.. Hmm.. I kind of supposed it would reach you in a way. (as a warning, you'll find pieces of my life in this chapt so..see, I come out in a way. but every chapter is a piece of something personnal) and it takes me about how much time to answer you than to write a paragraph of my story so you know. I really like talking to you.
xxxblessxxx
One hand on her stomach, the other on her strictly closed mouth, Amanda was fighting a wave of nausea while Olivia quickly grabbed the closest container she could find. It seemed the blonde managed to avoid the sickness though, and she now was trying to catch her breath. Air entered inside her lungs in little gasps as she still clenched her teeth, afraid of anything that could come out of her mouth.
Olivia didn't break the silence and even though she tried at first to reach for the woman in difficulty, she stopped herself from offering compassion since Amanda's defensive mode was engaged.
"Why did you bring me there?" Amanda angrily asked, looking at Liv as if she was responsible for all her misfortune "Why!?" She repeated, drying the watery eyes with her right arm and restlessly clapping her feet on the ground.
"Honey, it wasn't me" Olivia maintained her calm. "You did"
Amanda sunk her nails into her skin, deep inside her thighs. It hurt as much as it helped to seize the vicious circle of her reality.
"Honey, would you like to tell me what happened it Atlanta?" Olivia didn't expect an ovation for her question but on the other hand, not asking could mean she didn't care.
"You already know!" Amanda refrained from adding any superfluous comment. The brunette was her boss after all and had access to her file. It was useless to remember why she had been transferred from Atlanta.
"It's ok, I won't make you tell me, but just so you know, I respected your privacy"
Forcing her to talk now wasn't relevant. By contrast, it was easy to understand her current insecurities if every person she had placed a little trust in the past betrayed her. It would be hard to reason with the displeased blonde tonight but since she was still caught in the past, hoping she would get some decent sleep in her condition was pretentious. At least, Olivia needed to appease a little tension. "Amanda, were you able to understand something significant about yourself?"
"Oh, I didn't know I should write an essay!" Amanda's venom couldn't reach the peaceful brunette who was now immunised. In answer to verbal aggression, she offered a glass of water and a considering smile.
It was enough to induce Amanda's regret for being rude with the wrong people. She capitulated. "I've been losing my life trying to ignore the problems so.. I guess everything comes with a prize." Gambling was the easy trap to fall into. The very first time she gambled, after the fight with her mum, she remembered the exact sentence she heard before leaving home. "You only think about your own ass just like your father!" Pronouncing these words loudly made her shudder.
Fortunately, Olivia didn't ask for more details. The brunette was smart enough to collect the pieces and understand the unfairness she endured. Amanda's wound hurt her own heart. Power of compassion sometimes was a calamity. In a few seconds she felt trapped in Amanda's past situation: a girl who didn't care about having been abused because she was restlessly working to provide a roof for her family. A girl who naturally sacrificed her own childhood for the wellness of others.
Olivia shook her head to regenerate her guiding role. "Back then, maybe you didn't have any better options than keep going. You did what you could with what you had." It was obvious that the blonde didn't have the help she needed and couldn't afford to break at the time.
Amanda shrugged her shoulders with fatality. She felt like the brunette was looking for some excuses to explain her cowardice. "Now it's a little too late for playing the broken one don't ya think?"
"I think now's the perfect time honey" It wasn't a coincidence if her subconscious led her there. Even if she wasn't ready to see it yet, Amanda wasn't alone anymore and would never have to be again. Her past wounds would never be erased but she had now an opportunity to mend her broken heart. Olivia was simply providing the sew cotton. "I think now is just fine"
Amanda felt like it was impossible to pick up the pieces. Everyone had a goal, hers was just not to crawl. Whatever she would decide now, she'd always stay behind. "I'm tired" The blonde finally announced to shorten the discussion and also because she did feel drain.
Olivia appeared in the guest room once the blonde was ready for bed. "I think I'd like to be alone tonight" Amanda admitted turning the light off. To be truthful, her heart was so heavy she couldn't even stay up anymore.
"I know" Olivia whispered slowly. "And I'll go in a few minutes.. I just wanna tell you a story" Maybe it was foolish, but she wouldn't be able to leave until she executed herself. Either the young woman would laugh at her, or she would understand that she wasn't pretending. Olivia would never admit that this method filled some of the missing scene of her own life. She always knew that one day she would be able to share. A healed wound becomes magic, it receives the power of empathy.
With a motherly sweetness and a sisterly solidarity, Olivia began. "There was a time a very courageous little girl, with a big heart and solid shoulders."
Olivia closed her own eyes to soften her voice and to be in the moment. "She gave the best of her, again and again and again, even though people always abused her kindness."
Between each sentence, she took a little pause, and lowered her voice. "They hurt her so much until she was finally convinced that life was a sickness"
Olivia internally sighed thinking about how sadly these words would echo inside Amanda's ears.
"Today, this little girl inside your heart needs to be reassured, she deserves to know nothing was her fault. Tell her you haven't forgotten her. Everything little Amanda fought for, will be honoured." Olivia smoothly stroked the blonde's hair as she came nearer to whisper. "Tell her, please do"
Amanda would probably have sniggered at the idea if she hadn't read between the lines. Olivia's voice transmitted a radiant message she couldn't describe, but nevertheless could appreciate. The brunette disappeared quietly letting behind her the scent of indulgence.
"Little Mandy, I'm.. yeah.. I just wanna tell you.. hmm" Amanda surprised herself whispering a few minutes after being alone. Damn, why was it so hard to talk with nobody? For no explainable reason, she couldn't stop trying though, and for the first time in her life a sensation of warm wrapped her heart. If it was good or not, she couldn't tell, but it felt.. alive.
"Mandy.. just so you know… it wasn't your fault.. you.. did what you could" Amanda first repeated the same words Olivia used before, not really knowing what else to say… but suddenly.. She realised. It was more than what she could: she managed to survive the emptiness. "You did good.. I guess" she added in a shiver.
Welcoming the sweet bitterness, Amanda sneered at the irony of the situation. The girl she was twenty years ago believed in a better world, and found the daily courage to fight for it. She used to struggle day and night for something that is even banished from her actual dreams. Somewhere along the way, she lost her objective but what once was could be found again. "Don't ya worry girl.. we'll make it". Tears of sorrow tasted like forgiveness.