Enia: This one gave me a little trouble, but I think it turned out alright.
REWRITTEN 7/23/16
Glory Praise to Costco
"Want to go to Costco first?" I asked Onyx, tugging at my black skull cap to make sure it was still properly situated over my pointed ears. Our little run-in with the muncher had put us both in better moods. There was nothing like a bit of wanton death and destruction to raise the spirits. Neither of us even knew what the fight had been about. It was just the stress talking, I guessed, or all that pent up frustration that we couldn't take out on the humans.
We should just kick them out of the library; it would make our lives so much easier.
But you caaaan't, Enia, whined the little, goody-two-shoes voice inside my head.
Shut up, stupid conscious voice.
"What about those stores over there?" Onyx suggested, indicating the dark Kohl's sign across the way. It was accompanied by an off-brand shoe store, a Walmart, and a giant Slumberland. Beyond that short complex lay the Costco, and the opposite side of the street was lined with fast food restaurants. The giant, yellow McDonald's M had been split in two, and one half was shattered across the ground.
To the left awaited the Coralridge Mall, filled with any kind of store one could think of. I wondered briefly if the Hot Topic had been ransacked, loving the idea of getting my hands on some of the expensive merchandise in there. Somewhere behind the Kohl's, out of sight, was another, smaller mall complex, filled with a Bed, Bath, and Beyond, a few more shoe stores, and other miscellaneous stores I'd never been in.
"They're closer," Onyx finished, ignoring the fact that I'd spaced out for more than a moment.
"We're looking for food, right?" I replied, kicking a crushed, discarded Coke can out of the way. "Those are all clothes stores."
"The Walmart is right there," she pointed out, and I grimaced. The boxy, blue, concrete building was a stain on the face of the earth.
"But Costco is, well, Costco. Land of everything humongous."
"You're right," Onyx agreed. "And I have a problem with Walmart."
"Don't we all?"
Onyx shifted back into human form and stretched her back, cracking her spine several times before she turned around and started making her way back to the car.
"Wait," I said, hurrying after her. "I thought you wanted to run the rest of the way."
"I realized we'd probably need a car to pack all our supplies into. I don't really feel like carrying all that on my back."
"Fair enough." As we approached the vehicle, Onyx gave me a pointed look and moved towards the driver's side door. I shrugged and didn't argue. Maybe it was best if I didn't drive for the time being since I was still feeling slightly distracted and fuzzy in the head.
Onyx revved the engine and made sure to run over Skull-Face's still body several times until it turned into a smear on the road.
As we pulled up to Costco's indoor parking lot, the dark doorway glared up at us ominously. The super-sized grocery store had been built into an old, abandoned warehouse, one end of it forming the parking garage and the other end filled up by the actual store. I fucking loved Costco. They used to have free samples in every other aisle, and every item they sold was larger than my head. They sold everything under the sun, too, from food to clothes, electronics and furniture.
Onyx stopped the car about twenty feet away from the black, gaping mouth. I scanned our surroundings, craning my neck around to check behind us too, but everything was silent. A plastic bag with a smiley face on it blew across the gently sparkling snow. A trail of footsteps tramped up and away from the building, but their owner was long gone.
"Do you remember anything that was on the list?" Onyx asked, sounding like she didn't remember anything and hoped that I did.
"Spices and better cooking supplies," I replied promptly, tapping my fingers against the door.
Onyx gave me an exasperated look out of the corner of her eye, the tips of her mouth turning down. "You only remember what Samik wants, don't you?"
"Pretty much," I said honestly and shrugged.
She sighed and thudded her head against the steering wheel once. "Typical."
For once, I kept my mouth shut, choosing instead to grin out the window.
Finally, Onyx decided she didn't actually care about what the other people wanted and clicked on the headlights so we could see when we entered the parking lot. Onyx put the car in drive and slowly rolled us down the slope, moving carefully so nothing could jump out and surprise us. I would have punched the accelerator and gone flying into the dark garage, my arrival heralded by the screeching of tires and the smell of burning rubber, but I wasn't allowed to drive anymore.
Inch by inch, the grey, cement floor appeared before us, though the remainder of the garage remained as black as squid's ink, untouched by the strong afternoon sun. I rolled my window down and stuck my hand out to feel the breeze sift through my fingers.
Suddenly, my heart clenched for a moment, convinced that something was going to reach out of the darkness, grab my wrist, and yank me out of the car. I'd fall to the ground in the blackness, sharps bits and pieces digging into my flesh. Shuddering, I clicked my fingers and sent a fireball spinning up towards the ceiling with a sharp flick. Then I yanked my hand back inside and smashed the window's button down until the glass slid all the way up.
Overhead, the fireball expanded into a wide, orange oval which revolved slowly, end over end, and showered the room in a warm glow. Onyx cursed and stamped on the brakes. The jolt sent me lurching forward, and I nearly cracked my head open on the dashboard. "Fuck," she breathed slowly, craning her neck to stare out the windshield.
That pretty much summed the situation up.
The garage had turned into a fucked-up, haunted house maze of horrors. Crashed cars and discarded carts created the twists and turns, and dried blood painted the newly formed, haphazard streets. Rotten food littered the concrete, spilled amongst the fallen, ravaged bodies. At some point in the past, a fire had raged its way through the parking lot until it'd burnt itself out, leaving half the cars scorched, even melted down to their skeletons. The stench of smoke coated the air.
And there were about two dozen munchers shambling towards us from the cracks in the wreckage, teeth showing between ripped lips and withered arms raised.
"Balls," I cursed. My hand dropped to the door. "While I distract them, you get the car as close to the doors as you can." The entrance to Costco was in the far corner of the lot, just about as far away from us as it could be. I could see that the glass doors had been shattered, the fragments scattered across the ground.
"Then what?" Onyx asked.
"Then we find some fun ways to kill these sons of bitches."
Onyx grinned maliciously as I tumbled out of the car, slamming the door shut with the palm of my hand. Instantly, several sets of grey and yellow eyes locked onto me with laser precision.
"Let's dance," I murmured to myself. I circled around the back of the car, keeping my front pointed at the oncoming threat at all times. The red light off of the car's brakes glinted off a length of silver pipe lying on the floor. I glanced away from the munchers just long enough to take a closer look. One end was burnt black and bubbled out of shape, but it was still solid and thick, about the length of a quarterstaff.
I scooped it up as I jogged backwards, swinging it experimentally. The pipe had a nice heft to it, and it whistled as it cut the air. I could use my magic, sure, but hand to hand would be a little more interesting.
I banged the staff against the wrecks of the cars, creating a din that echoed around and around the garage. Most of the munchers turned to face me, though a few of them continued to stagger after Onyx and the car. She casually ran them over, grinding their bodies into mush. I sprang onto of a dirty, white truck and stood on top of the cab to assess the situation.
Onyx had made it to the doors and was out of the car. In the couple of heartbeats that I'd been standing still, I'd allowed myself to be surrounded, and the truck was beginning to rock beneath my planted feet. Drooping, leering faces glared up at me, and hands reached for my ankles. I smashed one end of my staff into a grey head and leapt into the air, whirling the rod above my head like a little helicopter rotor that created a powerful wind to carry me across part of the maze.
I touched down on a skeleton of a little car that had been burnt straight to hell, letting go of the wind. I rolled down the cracked windshield and landed on the ground, staff held tight against my back. Something snarled in the shadows in front of me, and I snapped the pipe up, and the lower end smashed into the chin of an angry muncher.
"Move your ass!" Onyx called from across the garage. She was probably tapping her foot.
"Hold your horses!" I replied, waving a hand at her.
Stony silence met my words; she hated it when we said that to her.
I darted across the maze, cheating and running on the tops of the cars, the munchers struggling along behind me. They bumped into sides of the vehicles, struggling to find the proper route to the front doors. Onyx stepped aside as I blasted through the entrance at top speed. She slipped inside behind me, and we waited in the dark foyer. The fireball on the ceiling of the parking lot cast the corpses' shadows ahead of them, the shapes flickering uncertainly.
"They're going to be behind us, too, aren't they," Onyx said. It wasn't a question.
"Undoubtedly."
Onyx kept watch on the front doors as I turned around, a fireball bursting into life above my hand. The red light cast a nightmarish glow across the lead faces in the welcoming party, but I couldn't tell how many there actually were. A lot, probably.
"Looks like we've got company," I said.
A grin crossed Onyx's face, and my mouth split to match it. As we took off to the left, away from both crowds of munchers closing in on us, I chucked the fireball towards the ceiling. It exploded into a thousand shards that hung in the air like floating candles and illuminated the entire store. Dark shadows flickered in the aisles in the newfound light.
"Let's go to the kitchen," I suggested.
"Why?"
"Ovens."
Onyx didn't understand my one-word explanation, but I didn't give her time to ask questions. I took off into the dark store, angling through the aisles towards the back corner. I was pretty sure that the bakery had industrial sized ovens, big enough to walk into, and I wanted to roast some undead fuckers. I whacked and smacked the munchers in my path with my pipe, blood flying through the air, and Onyx, after transforming into her horse form, stomped over the bodies I knocked over with high steps. We left a grisly trail of corpses in our wake.
We entered the bakery through the pungent smelling seafood department, and I pulled up the front of my shirt to block out the stench of rotting fish, glancing around in the hope that I might find one of Costco's humongous cakes or giant muffins. Unfortunately, time, rodents, and scavengers had made sure that none of the tasty, delicious treats remained. My nose wrinkled in disappointment beneath the cloth.
We hurtled the moldy cake case, maggots wriggling through the green, crumbling remains. Onyx cleared it easily with her long legs, barely breaking stride, and I slid across the glass like an action movie hero. On the other side, a muncher in a white shirt and apron, both surprisingly clean, waited for us, but Onyx's heavy hoof smashed into its head before it could even take a step. Black blood dribbled down its neck as it swayed for a moment before collapsing.
I slipped between the tables and counters, my hips swaying, searching for the ovens and a few suitable presents for Samik. Off to the side, by the empty wine shelves, I spotted a gorgeous, ten-piece knife set and a huge mixer. I filed them away in my head for later.
"Dude, Enia, check this out!"
I spun to face Onyx's voice, pipe up and ready to bash a skull in, but there was no threat. She was standing before a stainless steel oven that stretched from floor to ceiling, its black windows yawning like those of the munchers behind us. She transformed back into a human and pulled the door open, dragging the blackened racks out and letting them clatter to the floor.
I checked behind us for our dinner guests. The munchers were almost upon us, rows deep, like shark's teeth. I grabbed Onyx's arm as I hurried over to her and pointed at the tall set of cabinets beside the oven. "Up here."
I led the way as we scrambled up to the top, leaving the oven door open behind us. We were right beside the oven, practically right on top of it, but none of the munchers stumbled inside the chamber. They came right for us, ignoring the open door completely. Their grasping hands were only inches from our feet, and I grimaced. This wasn't going to work.
Cursing, I raised myself into a crouch, handing my staff to Onyx. There was a pipe jutting out of the wall right beside the oven, just above the door. I reached across the four-foot gap to grab the metal pole, holding onto the shelves with just my knees. Inhaling slowly, I let my legs slide off the cabinet, pulling them across the gap until they were tucked under me, my weight held up over the hungry hands that followed me by only the strength of my arms.
My toes brushed against the steel of the oven and found a perch on a small seam. I located a second pipe that came down from the ceiling of the bakery and swung myself from the side of the oven to the front, just above the open door. The munchers in the back pushed the ones at the front into the spacious oven as they struggled to get to me. I reached for the door with one foot to swing it shut before the little room overflowed.
I lit the machine with my magic and looped back around to rejoin Onyx on the cabinet, taking my pipe back. The oven shuddered violently from the inside with the pounding of dozens of fists. Barely a few moments later, the rancid, cloying stench of scorched flesh and cooking hair filled the air, thick, oily smoke oozing from the vents cut into the sides of the oven. Onyx and I stared at it as it coiled towards us.
"This wasn't the best idea, was it?" I asked, scratching at the back of my neck awkwardly.
"No," Onyx agreed, and for once, she left off a comment about how it was also my idea.
I clapped my hand over my mouth, throat churning. "I think I'm going to throw up."
"Let's get out of here." Onyx nodded, fingers pinched over her nose.
"Agreed."
A rectangular light dangled from the ceiling across from us, over the moldering muffin racks. I leapt off the cabinet and grabbed the edge of it, swinging to the top of the arc before I let go. I soared over the remainder of the undead hoards, the air whistling in my hair. My feet struck the floor silently, and I turned the last of my momentum into a fast roll, the tiles cold on my back. A moment later, Onyx hit the ground beside me, skidding forward a few feet with her knees locked. Together, we took off running, away from the trembling oven.
What other fun things could we kill munchers with?
Onyx cut to the right suddenly, and I yelped like a little bird as I struggled to follow her, my foot slipping in something wet. I left long, bloody skid marks at the mouth of a yawning aisle. "What is it?" I asked, grimacing at the spots of blood on the white toes of my Converse.
"Flour!"
Despite the fact that teenagers were known for their aptitude with one word answers, I wasn't on the same level as Onyx, but after a moment, everything clicked. Costco had huge pallets of twenty-pound bags of flour and sugar. They would do an epic amount of damage if dropped on a muncher's head. I smirked evilly, practically oozing malicious intent.
We wove through the aisles until we found the one that had what we were looking for. The white bags of flour were massive, bigger than my torso, three huge flats of them stacked on the floor. I glanced back down the aisle, glad to find that our speed had granted us a reprieve. I knew it would be brief, though, and that the munchers would be upon us again soon enough.
I stomped my foot, and the concrete beneath the palates shot up into the air, rising about fifteen feet, a small staircase carved itself into the exposed earth step by step. I gestured for Onyx to climb up first and then followed her, erasing the stairs behind me.
We sat there in an awkward silence for a couple of minutes, waiting for the munchers to arrive. I bobbed my head up and down a couple of times, the corners of my mouth turning down into my 'well…this is awkward' face. "So…how's it going?"
"Oh, you know. Alright. You?"
"Good, good."
We fell silent, and I tapped my fingers against my knee. "Wow, they really keep you waiting when you want them," I said.
"Yeah, tell me about it," Onyx chuckled wryly. "And they're always there when you don't."
We spent several more minutes crouched a little painfully on top of the bags of flour. I let go of the pipe and set it down beside me, concerned that it was taking the munchers so long. It seemed like they should've already arrived. I opened my mouth to suggest that I could go and prod them along when Onyx grabbed my arm and started shaking it, pointing up the aisle. "There!"
I practically had yank my arm away from her, nearly tumbling off the column.
Our guests had arrived, shuffling sloth-like down the aisle. Some got shunted into the adjacent corridors by their eager companions in the back, their shapes obscured by the boxes of food. I stood up and shifted around until there was a free bag of flour before me. I wiggled it around and shuffled it forward so it was balanced on the edge of the column, grunting a little with the effort.
"Bombs away!" I said happily to Onyx and gave the bag one last nudge.
It toppled from the stack in slow motion, ponderously spinning end over the end, flour drifting through the air. We watched it with antici…
…
…
…
…pation.
The bag of flour struck a muncher right on target, and her head and neck disintegrated into a grey and black cloud, blood clumping with the white powder and falling to the ground gracelessly. The bag hit the muncher's shoulder on its way towards the ground, nearly cleaving the rotting arm clean off. The headless body knocked several other corpses over as it collapsed. One muncher cracked its head on the metal bar of a shelf and lay boneless. The others growled and thrashed angrily on the ground as their companions trampled them, tripping up the corpses pushing in from behind and creating a writhing mass of chaos.
I cackled in amusement.
"Heave ho," Onyx said as she tipped over another bag of flour. The result was much the same, creating even more chaos. "The poor, dumb fucks," she sighed.
"Yeah." I didn't know if she was talking about the fact that they were getting their heads caved in with bags of flour or the fact that they were munchers in the first place. Probably both.
"Do you smell that?" she asked, concern suddenly coloring her voice.
I glanced up from my next flour bomb, not wanting to take a sniff to figure out what she was talking about because of all the dead people particles floating in the air. Luckily, I didn't need to. I could see exactly what she meant. A bright, red glow lit the far end of the massive store, but it wasn't from my fireball still floating by the ceiling. No, this was brighter and redder, hazy with grey smoke.
"Balls," I groaned.
Costco was on fire.
Enia: The next chapter won't be rewritten because it's awesome and doesn't need to be.