"Why didn't she tell someone?"
"I knew I should have looked at the results. I was just being the good friend, by not being nosy. I honestly thought she was pregnant."
"I bet this is what she was going to tell me before we arrived at the site of Izzie's accident. Then she was so worried about everyone else, that she didn't stop to take care of herself."
"At least she's stabilized now…"
The muffled voices spun in Meredith's head as her eyes regained focus. Her head throbbed with pain as she slowly opened her eyes. Meredith coughed and gasped for air, reaching to remove the oxygen mask that was sending too much oxygen through her system.
The room was freezing. Goosebumps crawled up her skin. When she moved her left arm to brush aside a piece of hair that was hanging over her eyes, she noticed the IV connected to her left arm that was sending fluids through her body.
She listened to the rhythmic sound coming from her heart monitor.
"Hold up, she's awake!" Meredith blinked quickly. The room came into full focus. Alex, Cristina, and Amelia surrounded her. Alex was closest to her. "You scared the Hell out of us, Mer."
Her head was still throbbing. She struggled to recall what had happened. Meredith strained her brain to recall her last memory. She was talking to Alex in the hallway, and then all of a sudden…
Did she have a heart attack?
Everything had gone numb. Her chest was pounding viciously in her chest. She couldn't breathe. All were symptoms of a heart attack. She was still wearing her scrubs, though, so that meant she hadn't been opened up.
"H-How long was I out?" she coughed her first words since she'd woken.
"Only about ten minutes," Cristina told her. Okay, she was fairly certain she hadn't had a heart attack. She'd never had one, but she knew that she would be feeling a hell of a lot worse now if she'd had one ten minutes ago. Heart attacks were described as crushing. Although she knew symptoms of heart attacks in women were often completely different than those in men. She'd had female patients who'd come in with just nausea, a symptom she'd been experiencing all day, and it'd turned out they were having a heart attack.
"I thought you wouldn't want this blasted all over the hospital until we knew what was going on, so I only paged Cristina," Alex informed her.
Meredith was confused. "And Amelia?"
Alex and Cristina both rolled their eyes.
"I just happened to be passing by when I saw Alex maniacally carrying you...I followed after," Amelia said, then she rolled her eyes. "Why, in God's name, didn't you tell me when asked? We pulled your lab results from yesterday. You've been feeling like shit all day; everyone's been commenting on it. I know I didn't say anything, because I thought it wasn't any of my business and I personally hate when people pry into my life. But this is something worth prying into."
Meredith swallowed, trying to maintain a normal breathing rhythm. "I was gonna tell you. I was going to run tests today, that was the plan...then the accident happened and I thought I could push through." She was fighting back tears and then mouthed, "Derek."
"It's five o'clock now. I called the airline, but the flight had literally taken off just minutes earlier. I left him a voicemail and told him to call me," Amelia said.
Meredith's jaw dropped. "Y-You didn't tell him, did you?"
"Well, I figured this isn't the kind of news he'd want to hear via voicemail when he first steps off a plane on the other side of the country, so no," Amelia sighed.
"Don't tell him," Meredith said sternly. "You can't. He can't know. He'll think he needs to fly back here, and I've already given him enough shit about this job. I can't have him think I'm seeking pity from him or trying to interrupt this new job. He already knows how much I hate him being away. He'll think I planned this."
"For God's sake, Mer. This is your health!" Cristina cried. "We have blood tests to prove something's not right."
"You fainted in my arms, Mer, in the middle of lecturing me. I'm pretty sure you didn't plan that. Your heart was racing a million miles an hour," Alex added.
"Oh, and let's not forget, your white cell count is elevated above the normal level," Cristina said. "And you knew this yesterday, and you said nothing. You're a fricking doctor, Mer, and you know that early diagnosis is imperative. Why would you wait another minute to get examined? I don't understand. I'm sorry, Mer. I just don't understand you anymore. I know you're all about being the hero and whatever; you stick your hand in body cavities with bombs and jump in front of gunman, but this has got to be the stupidest thing you've ever done."
"I know!" Meredith shouted. "I don't need a lecture!" She'd never seen Cristina like this before. Usually, Cristina's response was whatever to everything, but now, all of a sudden, Meredith could sense the worry and fear in her voice.
"We've already been through the cancer process once," Cristina said. She leaned over Meredith and put her hand on Meredith's shoulder. "And look what's happened to Izzie now."
Meredith tried not to cry, but tears streamed down her face. "How is Izzie?" She looked over at Amelia.
"No word yet," Amelia said. "Edwards is watching her."
"I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle," Cristina rolled her eyes. "We go from Seattle Grace Mercy Death Hospital to GraveStone Memorial Hospital. The cycle never ends."
"Oh, shut up, Cristina," Alex spat. "Mer doesn't even know if it's cancer. None of us do. It might be something completely different. There are a lot of reasons her white cell count could be elevated. You're a doctor, you should know that."
"And nearly all of them are deadly!" Cristina shot. "Leukemia is the most likely. There's also tuberculosis - though, I doubt it's that, because she'd have a hell of a lot more visible symptoms. It could just be a viral infection. Mer, what other symptoms have you been having? Have you been experiencing nausea, unusual stools, blood in the urine, anything?"
Not normal questions friends asked friends. There wasn't a day that went by that Meredith wasn't reminded that all her friends were also doctors. "Uhh…nausea, yes. That's why I thought I was pregnant, then I got the test results...and I got my period last night, so I blamed cramps at first, then the nausea worsened today. I thought maybe it was just nerves, because I couldn't get the test results off my mind. Mental-induced symptoms are common."
"In other words, you felt like shit, you saw the results the day before, and you were in a hospital full of machines, and you did nothing?" Alex asked.
"And you tell me to shut up," Cristina said slyly and rolled her eyes.
"Basically," Meredith sighed. "Guys, you don't need to remind me that I'm stupid. I know it was a bonehead, very stupid, move, but there was so much going on…Izzie's accident…"
"Trust me, Mer, your health is more important than Izzie's. That—uh, I mean, your health should come before anyone else's." Meredith could tell that he did, in fact, mean what he said about her health being more important than Izzie's, and his second sentence had been simply a cover up.
"Well, you can't say she's selfish," Cristina said dryly, and she started to take Meredith's blood pressure. Meredith could feel the band tightening on her arm. "We're going to run every test in this hospital, okay, Mer?"
"Okay," she exhaled. "Just please, please, I beg of you, do not, do not tell Derek. I don't want to ruin his White House trip, and I certainly don't want him to rush back here for me. It's only going to be two days, so we can deal with this when he gets back. And by then, I'll have actual answers. I'd hate to freak him out for nothing."
"He'll be pissed," Amelia pointed out. "Just like I was when you didn't tell me about James." Her eyes glistened sadly as she mentioned James's name.
"Then he'll be pissed," Meredith sighed. "It's better than him missing out on this opportunity because of me. I already feel horrible after all the shit I've given him."
"He's Derek. He deserves to have shit thrown at him every now and then - no pun intended. It's what keeps him halfway human." Amelia's lips broke a smile. "And he loves you, Meredith. I've never seen him so in love with before - certainly not with Addison. You probably should tell him, but I'll respect your wishes. I won't tell him. Besides, when he sees the call's from me, he'll probably think I'm calling to make things right between us, which I guess I should, technically."
Meredith nodded. "All right. Poke and prod at me." She extended her arms.
"You know, there's one thing you guys haven't mentioned, that it could be…" Amelia said; everyone's eyes were on her. "You could be experiencing the side effects of chronic stress. What did you feel before you passed out, Mer?"
"Uh...everything went numb. My heart was beating rapidly. I thought I was having a heart attack. It felt like I was about to die...I couldn't breathe…"
"Do you have a history of anxiety attacks?" Amelia asked. "Because it sounds like you're describing an anxiety attack to me."
She'd completely forgotten what an anxiety attack felt like. It had been so long.
"I used to carry around a brown paper bag in college on test days," Meredith confessed. "But I never passed out…and it was never so spur-of-the-moment. It was always about an hour before test. I haven't had them in years, so it's insane to think I'd start having them now. You know, I'd always have severe cramping and nausea before tests too. Many of the symptoms I've been experiencing lately are just worsened versions of stress symptoms I've always experienced. They just also happen to also be the symptoms of some chronic diseases. I really thought it was just stress."
"It still could be," Amelia said. "You've probably been under a lot of stress lately, thanks to me."
"Believe me, it's not just you," Meredith rolled her eyes. "We all have high demanding careers, so we're all stressed out all the time. I don't know how every doctor on this planet isn't running around with ulcers in their stomachs. I may have an ulcer, too. I don't know that didn't cross my mind until now. When it was my appendix, the first thought that crossed my mind was ulcer. Hey, at least we know it's not my appendix. That's been gone for a while now."
Alex and Cristina exchanged looks. Cristina shook her head and laughed. "Doctors make the worst patients. Will you shut up and let us diagnose you?"
"Hey, I'm just offering up ideas. It's my body. I think I know my body better than any of you, and it just happens to help that I have a medical degree to back my diagnoses up. It's not like I'm Googling my symptoms or going to WebMD and shouting out random illnesses."
Alex lifted her arm and started feeling her arm pit.
"All right, Alex, I know you've always dreamt about feeling me up…"
"Will you shut up? I'm checking for enlarged lymph nodes." He felt under her arms and neck. "Okay, I'm not checking your groin. But you don't have any swollen lymph nodes on your neck or arm, so it is not cancer. So you can relax, Mer. That should have been the first thing you checked for."
She suddenly felt like an idiot. She was a surgeon, a surgeon who knew one of the first symptoms of any cancer was swollen lymph nodes. She'd been so alarmed by the high white blood cell count that she'd wasted so much time worrying rather than checking something simple that could have eased her mind immensely.
"Well, it still could be," Cristina insisted. "I still think we should run a blood test to check for leukemia to make sure."
"Oh, Cristina, will you stop? Do you want Mer to have cancer or something? She doesn't have it!" Alex bellowed at Cristina in a voice filled with fury.
"Of COURSE I don't want her to have cancer, you moron," Cristina spat. "I just would rather we be rule out everything in case. You never know. And if it is cancer, maybe it hasn't progressed yet. Early diagnosis is crucial! We don't want to wait until she's hallucinating Mark, Lexie, and George!"
Meredith's eyes widened as she made eye contact with a very annoyed Amelia.
"Okay, guys, this is the reason friends don't decide friends' treatment plans. I think you two need to get out and let me handle Meredith's tests. I think I'm the most qualified to do that, since I think Alex is right, and all of this is stress induced. In that case, she's a neuro patient anyway."
"Stress also can cause arteries to clog, though, and in that case, she's a cardio patient," Cristina point out.
"OH, MY GOD!" Meredith cried out all of a sudden. All three instantly stared at Meredith.
"Is everything all right, Mer?" Cristina asked.
"Are you in pain?" Alex asked; concern filled in his voice.
"Oh, no, I'm just peachy," Meredith replied, exasperating a loud, obnoxious sigh. "It's just you three are driving me nuts. If I wasn't stressed out before, I sure as hell am now. And considering I'm likely suffering from stress, heart disease, cancer, ulcers, and who knows what other diseases I might have - might as well a few brain tumors on top of that - oh I'm just dandy. Dandy as a dandelion. By the way, you three have terrible bedside manner. Do you always argue about patients' treatment plans in front of the patient?" Then she shot a glance at Amelia. "And the first thing you complained about when you first arrived here was bedside manner. I'm afraid you're not much better than Nelson right now."
"They're the ones who've been bickering nonstop; I was just trying to stop them. You have to agree that I'm the most qualified in the room to treat you. I mean, I barely know you. I'm the least emotionally attached."
"She has a point," Meredith said. "Alex and Cristina, you should go. I love you both, and I appreciate that you care...but that's just it. You care too much, and you're not being my doctors right now. You're being my friends, which I appreciate, but you need to go now." She pointed at Cristina and Alex.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Cristina cried, glaring toward Amelia. "You're going to allow a junkie to make your medical decisions?"
"I'm with Cristina on this," Alex said. "This chick's basically been in the psych ward trailer for three weeks. I mean, she agrees with me, so that speaks for something, but that's beside the point."
"Okay, first things first," Amelia began in a loud, irritated voice, "I'm not a chick. I bear no relation to a chicken. Second, we've all got issues. Alex Karev, right? Oh, I know all sorts of juicy stuff about you."
"Like what?" Alex spat.
A smile escaped Amelia's lips. "Wouldn't you like to know? Now, step away from my patient. Don't you have a kid you need to bond with or something?"
"Alex," Meredith said softly. "Can you do me a favor? Please?"
Alex sighed. "After you just kicked me off your case?"
"I promised Blake that he could see Zola, and Zo and Bailey are down in daycare. I was wondering if you could bring the kids up to see Blake? The kids would love it, and I don't want them to stay in daycare too late. Plus, Zola and Bailey would love some Uncle Alex time, I'm sure."
Alex nodded. "Okay, do you want me to bring them to you after, or should I plan on babysitting tonight?"
"Are you offering to babysit tonight?" Meredith asked.
"I was planning on staying on call tonight to stay with Blake," Alex replied hastily.
"Owen and I can watch the kids tonight. We're probably going to need to keep you overnight for observation," Amelia offered. "Owen loves kids, and if anyone needs practice, it's me."
"You're planning on keeping the baby?" Meredith asked with sudden excitement, and Amelia nodded. She and Derek were officially off the hook. "That's great news, Amelia. I'm happy for you."
"Oh, God, you two are getting mushy gushy about babies. I'm getting out of here. I have other patients to tend to," Cristina announced. She turned abruptly to Meredith. "I'll check back later, okay, as your friend."
"Okay." Meredith smiled weakly. Alex and Cristina soon disappeared. She locked eyes with Amelia. "So, do you have any names picked out?"
Amelia laughed. "You sure know how to change the subject off of you, don't you?" She shook her head. "I haven't. Though, I was kind of wondering why you and Derek didn't name your son after Mark. I mean, he was Derek's best friend."
Meredith shook her head. "Derek's best friend who just happened to sleep with his ex-wife. I don't think Derek ever truly forgave him for that. I mean, they were friends and all again, but Derek never forgot. To answer your question, though, it never really crossed our minds."
Amelia took a needle and wrapped a tourniquet around Meredith's arm; it was the second time Meredith was having blood drawn within a two day period. She exhaled slowly and made a fist as Amelia stuck the needle into her arm. Meredith barely felt the needle enter her arm.
"Derek isn't exactly the forgiving type," Amelia noted. "It's one of his major weaknesses."
"He's forgiven me plenty of times," Meredith said. "He forgave me for drowning when I knew how to swim, and for messing up his Alzheimer's trial."
"You drowned yourself?" Amelia asked.
"Not intentionally," she said adamantly. "I just quit swimming...it's a long story."
"You basically tried to kill yourself?" she asked.
Meredith's face burned. "I didn't fall in the water on purpose. There was a ferryboat crash, and I was helping a victim and I fell into the water accidentally. I could have swum to the shore, but the water was so cold, and I was careless. I didn't think anyone was miss me. It was selfish, and I'm not sure why I brought this up. It's an old skeleton Derek and I don't talk about. He stopped trusting me afterward, and we broke up for a while. Derek...he pulled me out of the water. I was hypothermic, and I was dead for like three hours."
"I didn't mean to rehash an old wound," Amelia said slowly. "Wow, Meredith, that's...that's...wow. We have more in common than I realized." She was fighting back a tear, then she added quietly, "Derek has seen us both death."
"I forgot," Meredith said. "Derek, uh, told me that he revived you after…"
"An overdose," Amelia finished. "You know, he hasn't looked at me the same way since?"
"I didn't think he ever would look at me the same way, either," Meredith said, "but...we've put it past us, and it's not something I've even thought about or talked to anyone about in a long, long time."
"Derek doesn't talk about things that bring back painful memories if he can help it," Amelia said. "You know, you've got a pretty twisted past. Derek does too, but his method of coping is avoidance and denial."
"I guess I'm like that in a way, too," Meredith admitted. "I don't talk about my family, I don't talk about my past, I just...I just don't talk about it."
"They say that avoidance is the silent killer," Amelia said. "Our brains actually like it when we talk about our problems. It can be as powerful as any antidepressant, which is why many therapists prefer talk therapy over drugs."
"Amelia, are you insisting I need therapy?" Meredith raised an eyebrow, though she knew Amelia had a point. Talking to Dr. Wyatt had proved to be surprisingly stress-relieving and helpful while she and Derek were apart. In fact, the therapy sessions were what brought her back to Derek. Meredith knew she had Dr. Wyatt to credit for the fact that she and Derek had gotten back together. Though, she'd never even told Derek that. She'd never even told him that she'd gone to therapy.
"You are a talented, gifted, extraordinary surgeon, exactly like your mother, but the difference is you get to learn from her mistakes."
"Be extraordinary. She wasn't talking about surgery. She wasn't talking about surgery at all…"
Had her mother in fact, all her life, been referring to the fact she was supposed to be a great mom and a talented, gifted surgeon all combined into one human being? Or, maybe, Dr. Wyatt was full of crap. Meredith didn't know. Did Ellis Grey actually regret being a terrible mother? Did she at any point wish she could go back and be a good mother?
People all over the hospital, even those who she thought were her friends, made it very clear that she couldn't be a full-time mother and a full-time surgeon. It just simply wasn't possible. But women all over the world did it. It wasn't 1950 anymore. Women could have full-time careers and be as dedicated to their children's lives, too. Couldn't they? Meredith had just never realized how difficult it was.
Maybe she wasn't cut out for this extraordinary crap. Maybe it just wasn't for her. Maybe she was meant to be just ordinary.
Amelia never did respond to Meredith's question. Instead, she took the blood sample and prepared to send it to the lab. "We need a resident on your case. Do you have any preference?"
"Wilson," Meredith immediately responded without hesitation.
"Isn't that Alex's girlfriend?" Amelia asked.
"It's a non-issue," Meredith said. "I like Jo. She has a good head on her, and she won't go blasting this to the whole hospital. Plus, most of our residents are dead now...three in one year. That has to be a new record."
Amelia snickered. "You're going to have a hard time finding new surgical interns and residents to come to this program with those kinds of numbers."
Meredith shrugged. "We might as well rename this hospital GraveStone Memorial Hospital. I'm seriously considering bringing it up in our next board meeting."
Amelia burst into laughter. "I like how you say that so casually and all, like it's not even the slightest bit morbid."
"Well, they don't say I'm dark and twisty for no reason," Meredith said nonchalantly.
"Dark and twisty. I like. Those are the perfect words to describe me," Amelia insisted. She glanced at her phone and appeared to be sending a text.
"I'm beginning to wonder if Derek chose me because I remind him of his sister," Meredith teased.
"That's a creepy thought."
"Just do me a favor, don't kill me. I've been defending you all day. That would be the biggest slap in the face for me," Meredith said.
Amelia laughed. "I'd have to go into hiding if I killed you, because there's no way I could bear the wrath of Derek. If you need brain surgery, I'll page another neurosurgeon."
"Truth be told?" Meredith sighed. "You and Derek are the only two neurosurgeons I trust to cut into my brain."
"Wow." Amelia's eyes widened. "Why would you equate me to Derek's level of trustworthiness?"
"I watched you work today," Meredith said. "Your precision is very similar to Derek's."
Hours passed. Jo met Amelia and Meredith in radiology. Amelia had managed to sneak her in without passing a single person. Though, Meredith had insisted she stay in her scrubs; she didn't want to stand out as a patient, which a hospital gown would easily do.
"Let me see the results," Meredith insisted. She insisted on walking. She was actually feeling much better now. She could believe she was also dehydrated, which IV fluids had helped with.
She was looking at an MRI scan of her own brain. "Holy crap," she gasped.
"Your brain has already started to reshape, which is one of the effects of long-term stress. Fortunately, you're not at a critical point yet. While it can't be reversed, you can certainly prevent it from getting any worse."
Meredith laughed sarcastically. "All right, I'd like to see the inside of the brain of every single surgeon at this hospital. Maybe they should just prescribe us an anti-anxiety drug the minute we step into med school."
"None of them are passing out due to anxiety attacks," Amelia pointed out. "And personally, I don't think pills are the answer to everything. I think...maybe...you just need to slow down."
"I can't," Meredith insisted. "I'm already seen as less of a surgeon because I'm a mother. I've already slowed down immensely in the last two years. There's no room for me to slow down more if I want to be an extraordinary surgeon and a good mother!"
Amelia shook her head. "Well, I want to keep you at the hospital overnight for observation. Wilson will monitor you. Owen and I will take care of the kids, so you don't need to worry about them. Then...I think...it might be a good idea for you to take a break for a few days. Maybe visit Derek in D.C.? I don't mind watching the kids for a few days, and I'm sure Owen will be on board."
"Amelia, it's not your job to watch my kids," Meredith insisted. "It's already bad enough that their father is out of town. I don't think it's fair if I go too."
"Mer, you need to take some time for yourself every now and then," Amelia insisted. She glanced at Jo, who had remained mute for a while.
"She's right," Jo said. "You do so much for everyone. You never stop a moment to think about yourself."
Meredith exhaled slowly as Amelia's phone buzzed. Amelia's eyes were wide. "It's Derek."
A/N: Okay, half the stuff I wanted to happen in this chapter didn't, so it'll happen in the next chapter. I just didn't want to leave you all on the cliffhanger of "OMG Mer's dying" for too long. She's not dying, just stressed to her breaking point. I just happened to discover that stress and leukemia have some of the same symptoms and decided to go with it - scary stuff!