Author's Note: Children grow up sometime. And when they do… they're shitty human beings that hurt everyone around them just because they can.

Puberty's hard on everyone, kiddos, not just you. Your parents/guardians have to deal with you too. *stern glare*

…I get distressed when I go without a hug too long. I need at least three hugs a day to function at top form.

Also sorry this was late this week! I was going to have it up on Monday, but I became ill. Take care of yourselves, people! It's no fun being miserable!

Hug

Seto looked up when he heard yelling and thought about whether he wanted to do anything about it. On one hand, it had been a long day, and he didn't want to get involved in something that would put him on someone's bad side for the rest of the night. On the other, Alexis and Joey could scream at each other for up to an hour, and that wouldn't be relaxing at all. He looked back down at his book and sighed loudly, then stood.

As he got closer, he heard what they were yelling about, and he sighed again, because this wasn't something he wanted to get involved in. At all.

"You're not a girl! You don't know what it's like!"

"You're thirteen years old! You don't need makeup right now!"

As he passed into the entryway, he found Atticus hovering nearby, looking distraught. He could see the look in his eyes, the 'my baby sister needs my support' look mixed in with terrified 'Papa she's going to shave my eyebrows off in the night if I say the wrong thing.' Seto could understand, as a big brother, his need to support his little sister even when she was wrong. He could also understand not wanting to piss off his father, who could probably (but definitely wouldn't) punt him over the mansion.

Alexis saw him before Joey did and immediately used that to her advantage. "Daddy! Tell Papa that it's normal for a girl my age to wear makeup!"

Joey's thunderous expression promised that if he dared to tell the blond that, he would promptly find a shoe so far up his ass that he'd cough up the laces.

"…I'm willing to hear both sides of the case," Seto said instead, because he liked living as much as he disliked coughing up shoelaces.

.-.-.-.-.-.

They'd come up with a solution to these kinds of situations early on, when it became clear that Alexis took more after Seto and would use logic to her advantage (and sometimes use words that Joey didn't understand in her arguments, which made the blond twice as belligerent and equally more pissed off). Seto would sit at the head of the table, and Joey and Alexis would sit opposite each other. Atticus would sit beside his sister and a maid (or Roland a few memorable times) would sit beside Joey as impartial judges. Seto thought he was impartial enough, but Joey and Alexis had given him such unimpressed looks that he had no choice but to agree to those terms.

Today it was a maid, because Joey had insisted that they have another female (which Alexis had clearly not thought about, too busy thinking about how to use the fact they were all male to her advantage). It was like she expected all boys to be stupid because she happened to go to school with boys who were just learning about their dicks. Contrary to what she might think, Joey was not actually an idiot most of the time. He just pretended he was, because it was easier to fight people when they thought they were smarter, and he'd never quite been able to ease out of that condition.

Seto glanced between them before motioning at the maid. "And your name?"

Joey glared at him sourly. "This is Mihato. She's been my witness before."

"…No, that Mihato had a pink streak in her hair," the brunet stated, squinting at her skeptically.

Mihato beamed. "Indeed I had! Thank you for remembering."

"Well. Welcome, Mihato. And we know everyone else." Seto looked down at his papers, which would soon be filled with notes. "Now, to the matter at hand."

Alexis drew herself up straight. "I want to wear makeup!"

"I guess we're starting with Alexis," Seto muttered, picking up his pen. "Is that agreeable to everyone?"

"Fine with me," Joey muttered petulantly, like he wasn't almost thirty-five.

Seto rolled his eyes, because he'd decided to put a ring on this person. "Alright. Alexis, you have the floor."

Alexis sat up straight, took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "I think I should be allowed to wear makeup. I'm thirteen years old—I'm a teenager now—and I should be able to express myself that way. I wouldn't make it gaudy. Just a little concealer, mascara, and some blush and maybe some lipstick!"

Joey opened his mouth, scowling. Seto smacked his shoulder to keep him from speaking. "It's not your turn until Alexis says she's finished or until I decide she's just buying time."

Alexis smiled up at him like he hung the moon. Seto fought the urge to preen, because Joey would accuse him of no longer being neutral.

"Lots of girls my age and younger are wearing makeup," she added. "I would hardly be the first thirteen-year-old to wear makeup. I'm just going to feel more and more insecure as years go by and be too afraid to ask anyone about makeup, leaving me ugly forever."

Joey remained unimpressed, which Seto was surprised by, considering the blond always adamantly informed her that she was the most beautiful girl in the world.

Alexis appeared concerned by his non-reaction as well, but carried on, "And if I start applying makeup now, I'll learn the best ways to do it faster. Also, it's not like we can't afford it. I could even get upper-shelf makeup with my allowance and still have money left over!"

Seto paused, waiting to see if she had anything left to say. When it became apparent that she was finished, he turned. "Joey. Rebuttal?"

Joey drew himself up straight. "No."

Seto, Alexis, and Atticus blinked at him, baffled. Finally, Seto asked, "No? You're not going to rebuttal?"

"No," the blond repeated. "My rebuttal is just that: No."

Seto blinked at him. "…That's it?"

"You can't just say no!" Alexis exclaimed angrily.

Joey slammed his hands down on the table and stood, scowling. "Don't tell me what I can and can't do, Alexis."

"Um," Seto said, reaching out to touch his shoulder, but then the blond whipped around to glare at him. He froze, hand still stretched out toward him.

"I'm gonna say this once. I. Am. Your. Father," he hissed, turning his attention back to his daughter. "Ya get the opportunity t' argue a lot of things. Sometimes I even get the point you're makin' and agree with ya instead. This is somethin' I'm not gonna argue with ya about. You can wear makeup when you're sixteen and not a day sooner. If ya can't deal with that, maybe you should think a little harder about why, exactly, ya wanna wear it."

Alexis gaped at him, then turned, sputtering, "Daddy!"

Seto held his hands up helplessly. "He's made his decision."

"But you're my dad, too!" she wailed, stomping her foot. "Do something!"

"Sixteen sounds like a perfectly reasonable age to me, a man who has only before raised a male sibling," the brunet answered, shrugging. "Joey has more experience with women—"

"Mihato, you have to say something!" Alexis exclaimed, turning her attention to the impartial maid.

Mihato raised an eyebrow. "I don't know about you, but I was raised to respect my parents' decisions, even when I thought they were wrong."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!" Alexis screamed, glaring at her.

"Don't you yell at her," Joey hissed. "She's here out of the goodness of her heart. She doesn't have t' be here."

"You're the worst! I HATE ALL OF YOU!" she roared, then turned and stormed out of the room.

Atticus hovered nervously, then began to stand. "I'll just—"

"Let her cool down a little," Mihato sighed, rolling her eyes, as she stood. "Give her an hour or so and then take her some ice-cream or chocolate. She'll get over it soon enough."

"Says you," Joey muttered, but smiled a little and shook her hand anyway. "Thanks, Mihato."

"Any time. …Why sixteen, anyway?" she asked, tilting her head a little.

The blond, very seriously, told her, "That's how old I was when I started wearin' makeup."

Mihato blinked. "What."

"Oh my God, the popularity contest at school!" Seto gasped, like he'd forgotten where he'd left his candy for safe-keeping and had suddenly remembered where it was. "Téa still has pictures!"

"SHE SAID SHE DESTROYED THEM!" Joey wailed. "I shoulda known better!"

Atticus smiled at him. "Did you at least win?"

"Not. Even. Close," Seto whispered. "I'll have Téa bring over the pictures." He dove out of his seat with a yelp when he heard the blond roar and laughed as he was chased out of the dining room. "Atticus, help!"

"I'm gonna just… go do something not here. You can deal with Papa," he called after him. "I believe in you!"

"AGH!" he yelped, turning a corner and just barely dodging the blond's grasping hands.

.-.-.-.-.-.

If they expected Alexis to back down after a few days, they were mistaken.

"Alexis, honey, ya forgot your lunch!" Joey called from the door. When she didn't answer, he raised an eyebrow. "You'll hafta pay for lunch with your allowance if ya don't take it!"

Alexis tossed her hair over her shoulder before turning and waving. "Bye, Daddy!"

Atticus looked back and forth between them frantically before waving as well. "Bye Papa! Bye Dad!" He leaned in the limo and hissed something, then leaned back out to wave again before he slid in after her, desperately shouting, "I LOVE YOU!"

"What a little shit," Seto breathed, disbelieving. "I will go to her school and embarrass her if you want me to."

Joey frowned down at the lunch box that still had stickers on it from when they'd decorated it together when Alexis was five. He stroked his thumb over a 'toon dragon sticker and shook his head slowly. "Nah. She got her vindictiveness from you. She'll just put Nair in your shampoo."

"She would never," Seto told him firmly. "I will send her to live with your mother if she does."

The blond smiled a little. "Maybe she'd listen t' my mom then. She was the one with the 'no makeup until you're sixteen' rule anyway."

"Your mother scares me," the older man admitted quietly. "Pretty sure she scares Alexis a little too, just because of her ability to see past our bullshit."

"You guys are pretty full of shit," Joey mused, and laughed when the brunet slapped his shoulder. "I love ya anyway!"

Seto rolled his eyes and took the lunchbox from him. "Thanks for lunch."

"You don't like oden."

"I'll trade one of my secretaries. They like oden and might trade me with a pudding cup or something."

Joey let out a bark of laughter. "It's like grade school all over again."

"Actually Midori likes oden a lot and she said she'd trade me her entrée as long as you made it."

"Tell Midori she's my favorite," the blond said, turning to press a kiss to his cheek. "Have a good day."

"Okay. I'll talk to her, if you—" Seto began, but when the younger man shook his head, he nodded. "Okay. You have a good day too."

Joey smiled and nodded, but as soon as the brunet was out of sight, his shoulders sagged.

.-.-.-.-.-.

Alexis came down to breakfast on her phone. Seto made an annoyed noise, because that had been one of the first rules the family had voted on when they all got phones—that they not be used at the table. "Alexis."

"I'm just cementing some plans with my friends," she replied airily. "So, meet you at the park at eleven—"

"We're going out as a family today," the brunet reminded her tartly, because that's what they did on Saturdays, and had been doing since she was five years old.

Alexis looked at him for a moment, scowling, then said, "No, I just need to eat breakfast, and then—"

Seto grabbed the phone out of her hand and turned, throwing it as hard as it could. It hit the wall and shattered. Smiling, he calmly turned back to his daughter. "You're grounded. For a month." When she opened her mouth to argue, he added, "We can make it two. Three, even. Hell, I might make you use your own allowance to replace your phone. Try me, and I will make you pay your own bill."

She shrieked angrily and turned, stomping from the table. Atticus shrank in his seat, frowning. "Is it bad that I still want to go get ice-cream and listen to the band at the park without her?"

Joey sighed. "…You and your dad can go. It wouldn't be right t' leave her here all alone. And you didn't do anything wrong, Atty. Ya deserve t' do something fun."

Atticus twiddled his thumbs as he looked up at his dad from under his lashes. "Would that be okay with you, Dad?"

Seto frowned at him, but nodded anyway. He would have liked to spend the day with his entire family, but apparently puberty with girls was even worse than it was with boys. And he'd thought Mokuba had been bad. "Atticus, you are a dream come true," he told him seriously.

Atticus grimaced. "Dad, you're being weird."

"I am not." He looked at the blond for help, but when the younger man hurriedly avoided his eyes, he scowled and pointed at his son. "Eat your toast."

.-.-.-.-.-.

"You missed a spot," Joey said, poking a tiny smear of mascara near the corner of Alexis's eye. "If you're gonna go behind my back, at least be thorough about it."

Alexis huffed and opened her mouth to reply, but then he turned to face the wheel without another word. "…S-school was good."

"That's nice, honey," the blond answered distractedly, looking over his shoulder to ease into traffic. "Your dad's gonna be late t'night, so we're just havin' Burger World."

"…Okay," she said, instead of pitching a fit about wanting to eat dinner at home. It was her fault she hadn't had her papa's cooking for lunch anyway.

Atticus gave her a pointed look and pointed at his notebook.

Throw it away.

She huffed and turned to scowl out the window. Boys just didn't understand.

.-.-.-.-.-.

Atticus frowned when his phone began to ring, but raised his hand anyway. "Miss? May I go to the bathroom?"

His math teacher waved him out. Sometimes it was easier to teach when a certain student was out of her class.

"Thanks," he answered, because his parents had raised him to be… not polite, but civil. He stepped out into the hall and looked at his phone, brows furrowing at the unlisted number. "Huh. Hello?"

"Atty I'm in the office because I really hurt my ankle in PE but they won't let me call Daddy or Papa and I can't walk but they want to send me back to class please call Daddy for me!"

"Alexis?" He tilted his head. "What do you mean they won't let you call Dad or Papa?"

"DID I FREAKING STUTTER—Oh no they're coming back Atty please call Daddy and tell him to bring his lawyer or something!"

"But—" He flinched at the click in his ear, then frowned. He chewed on his thumb nail nervously before calling his dad, because calling him during work was always a game of Russian Roulette.

"Kaiba."

"Hi, Dad."

"Why aren't you in class? You should be in class. Math class, if I'm not mistaken. And I'm not."

Atticus rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I just got this weird call from Alexis in the office. She said her ankle really hurts, and she can't go back to class, but they're going to make her?"

"They can't make that girl do anything. Neither can I. What the hell."

"…Yeah. Anyway, she sounded kind of freaked out about it, so—"

"HANITA PLEASE CANCEL MY APPOINTMENTS FOR THE REST OF THE DAY."

"Dad you didn't hang up. Dad? Daaaad? Okay, I'm just gonna…" he muttered, cutting off the call. He tapped his phone against his chin thoughtfully, then called his papa. "Papa?"

"Talk fast, kiddo. Pretty sure the new sous chef is gonna cut off the tip of his finger, and I wanna make sure he doesn't get blood in everything."

"Alexis is hurt and she wants to come home but they're making her go back to class anyway, without letting her call you or Dad."

There was a long pause before he heard the blond mutter, "Yeah, I'mma cut out. Nani, make sure this guy doesn't cut off his fin—Oh for the love of God. Okay clean up his finger and his station and then get the food goin' again. Jesus. Bye, Atty."

"Bye," he answered quickly, before he hung up. He glanced up and down the hall before making his way to the office. He knew better than anyone how… disagreeable his sister could be.

.-.-.-.-.-.

Seto pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, then waved his hand at the other man as he said, "She wants to go home. I want to take her home. I'm not seeing what the problem is."

The other man huffed. "Alexis has a history of dramatics. She's clearly just trying to get out of class again."

Alexis huffed, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I'm not being dramatic. I always participate and try my hardest in class."

Seto fought the urge to rip the man's head from his neck. "I'm taking her home. You don't get a say."

"Hey, hi, I got here as fast as I could," Joey cut in, skidding into the room. He took a look at his daughter's swollen ankle and grimaced. "Oh hon'. How'd ya break your ankle? Hope the other girl looks worse."

Alexis gave her teacher a look of the greatest righteousness. "See, Mr. Okawa? My papa says it's broken! I could never walk on this!"

Okawa snorted and reached out to grab her ankle. "Last I heard, your father was a thug, not a doctor. Your ankle is far from—"

Alexis let out an agonized scream. Seto and Atticus didn't even have time to blink before Joey slammed his fist into the man's nose, sending him flying back into the wall.

"Seto!" Joey roared, spinning to face him.

Seto held up his hands helplessly (and also in case Joey turned on him in a blind rage; it had happened once before, when paparazzi had tried to harass them when Atticus was born). "Yes?"

"Sue this guy. Sue the principal. Sue the entire fuckin' school, I don't care, they hurt my baby girl."

"Of course. We should probably. Go." Seto moved toward Alexis, but Joey slid in ahead of him, picking her up with such delicacy and care that he didn't jostle her ankle at all. He looked at the teacher just beginning to stir on the floor, then clapped a hand on Atticus's shoulder and steered him out of the room. "Time to go."

"Papa could be arrested," Atticus breathed. He looked up at the older man, grinning. "This is awesome."

"Assault is never awesome. It's expensive. I'll have to pay for a new nose now. Noses are expensive," Seto muttered, ushering him into the limo, since the blond had already screeched away from the curb in his own car. "Also pain and suffering. This is why Joey doesn't own his own business. He'd have lost it by now."

"…So are you really going to sue the school?" the teen asked.

"They didn't allow your sister to call us while she was in pain and has a broken ankle. Of course I am," Seto retorted, huffing. "Especially after that idiot grabbed her leg after Joey said it was broken, as if he didn't have enough experience with first-aid and doctors to actually be a doctor himself. Perhaps next time they'll actually think about dealing with your papa before they decide to harass you kids."

Atticus smiled a little even as he texted a friend to grab his stuff for him so he could pick it up later. "I'd always thought you were the more dangerous one, with the lawyer and all."

Seto snorted, disbelieving. "Well, thank you. In some ways I might be more dangerous. When it comes to dealing with idiots, though, it's usually your papa. He's less willing to ignore them."

"What would you have done if you'd gotten to Mr. Okawa first?" the teen asked, tilting his head a little.

"…Probably something not nearly as satisfying," the brunet muttered petulantly.

.-.-.-.-.-.

"I'm sorry I've been such a butt," Alexis stated quietly, looking down at her pink cast. "That wasn't fair of me. I'm sorry."

"Ya take after your dad in the dumbest ways," Joey muttered, carefully sketching his name and circling it with a heart. "Ya think I'm not good at holdin' out? I've been with your dad for fifteen years. If that asshole doesn't give people the patience of a saint, I dunno what would." He wrote 'SK is a buttface' on the back of her cast upside down. "The thing about you and yer dad, though? Ya always give the sincerest apologies, when ya do it at all." He sat up straight. "Ya gonna be okay in the wheelchair?"

She frowned, looking at her cast again, then shook her head. "No, I want to have crutches."

"Okay." Joey patted her knee fondly. "You're stubborn like your dad, too."

She poked his cheek lightly. "How come I can't be stubborn like you?"

"Because exactly zero percent of your DNA came from me," the blond replied brightly, clapping his hand on her shoulder. "It's all from your dad and a surrogate!"

"What about nature verses nurture? Surely I must have gotten something from you through nurture."

"You're inability t' take insults lyin' down, maybe," Joey mused. "Seto's like a duck. Insults just slide off his feathers like water."

"I'm gonna tell Daddy that you compared him to a duck," she teased, rolling her wheelchair back and forth a little.

The man let out a bark of amusement. "If ya think that's the worst thing I've called him, you've got another thing comin'. He'll be so fuckin' pleased, ya don't even know." He turned as Seto and Atticus clattered into the room, smiling. "Took ya long enough."

"How many laws did you break?!" Seto exclaimed, glaring at him.

"Daddy, Papa said you were like a duck," Alexis cut in smoothly.

Seto paused to give her a confused look. "…Mallard or Pekin?"

"Oh my Gooood," she whispered, bringing her hands up to her cheeks as she cooed. "Daddy, you're so cute!"

The older man took a wary step back. "Why?"

"I was thinkin' a white duck, but if ya wanna be a mallard, you can be a mallard," Joey replied soothingly.

"…I want to be a mallard."

"Be a good mallard and get your daughter some crutches, then."

Seto looked back and forth between them, frowning, but backed out of the room. "Okay."

"…Why do you always tease Dad like that?" Atticus asked once he was sure the older man was gone.

"T' make up for all the times he said terrible things about me," Joey replied, shrugging. "At least this doesn't batter his self-esteem. He just thinks I'm weird."

Alexis giggled and threw her arms around his shoulders, hugging him now that she felt she could. "I think Daddy is just as weird as you are, Papa."

"'course. Our weirdness compliments each other." Joey handed the pen to Atticus. "Here, sign your sister's cast."

"'kay," he answered, and began doodling his name along with some artistic squiggles.

.-.-.-.-.-.

Joey blinked as Atticus handed him a box and carefully peeked inside it. He raised an eyebrow when he saw the bottles and compacts of makeup in it. "These aren't my shade."

"I had them in my locker," Alexis admitted quietly, even though all three of them knew that she'd had them all along. "Keep them for me until I turn sixteen, okay?"

"Oh hon', I'll take ya out t' buy some new makeup," the blond replied, frowning. "These are just gonna dry out and clump up."

Alexis immediately brightened up at the thought. She wasn't so sure about makeup shopping with her father, but he seemed to know enough to get by, and she'd missed a lot of family outings (and probably wouldn't be able to participate as much as she'd like with her broken ankle now, anyway, so she'd need to make up for lost time). "Okay!"

Joey immediately passed the box off to Seto when he began to walk by. "Here, see if your secretaries can use this."

"…Neither of my secretaries are this shade. But Hanita's daughter might be," Seto muttered, closing the box. He looked down at Alexis and raised an eyebrow. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Alexis flushed as Atticus began to laugh.

Joey grinned. "The boy she wanted t' notice her finally did. Probably with the fantastic way she broke her ankle."

"A boy," Seto replied shortly, disbelieving.

"It's—He's not—He just carried my books for me today because of my crutches!" Alexis exclaimed defensively.

"You can date when you're married and no sooner!" Seto hissed.

Joey rolled his eyes. "Oh my God. Alexis, honey, why doncha have one of the maids help ya take a bath? I'll talk your dad down."

"I'll help you up the stairs!" Atticus added quickly, scooping her up so her crutches clattered to the floor. "Bye Dad!"

"I AM NOT FINISHED SHOUTING!" Seto roared after them, brows drawing together angrily when his daughter laughed. "COME BACK HERE IMMEDIATELY!"

The blond smiled and cupped his chin to place a kiss on his lips. "You are so dumb."

"I refuse to be patronized! Why didn't you tell me this was all about a boy?! I need to run background checks!"

"Oh my God, all he's done is carry your daughter's books for her," the younger man sighed, rolling his eyes.

Seto drew himself up indignantly. "I'll buy her new books! Hers could have cooties!"

"Bet she wishes she'd never pitched a fit about makeup now," Joey muttered, shaking his head, then grabbed the brunet's arm. "Come on, Seto. I'll make ya some tea."

"I do not want to be soothed!"

"And cookies."

"You will not bribe or bargain your way out of this! I deserve to know these things!"

"I'll let ya help me frost some sugar cookies."

Seto sagged, defeated. "She's only thirteen. Atticus hasn't even kissed a girl yet."

"Atticus doesn't wanna kiss a girl yet," Joey replied, smiling. "He just wants t' play card games with 'em. I get the feelin' he's gonna need advice when he finally realizes there's more t' datin' than just eatin' food at the same table and playing arcade games with each other."

The brunet moaned and dragged a hand down his face. "Why couldn't they stay babies forever!?"

"What about when they were babies and cryin' every couple of hours and ya were moanin' about them growin' up so ya could get a good night's sleep?" The younger man smirked. "You're just mad that everyone knew before you this time, huh? Well I got news for ya, Kaiba; everyone knew that we were dating before you did, too."

Seto sighed. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?"

Joey pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek. "Never," he answered softly, and smiled when the brunet leaned down to kiss him back.