Disclaimer: all SM characters belong to Naoko Takeuchi. But I do own this story. If you like it, review it, fav it, bookmark it. But please don't steal it!

I miss those blue eyes
how you kissed me at night.
I miss the way we sleep.
Like there's no sunrise,
like the taste of your smile,
I miss the way we breathe.

But I never told you
what I should have said.
No, I never told you,
I just held it in. And now,
I miss everything about you.
Can't believe that I still want you
after all the things we've been through,
I miss everything about you
without you.

I see your blue eyes
every time I close mine.
You make it hard to see.
Where I belong to
when I'm not around you?
It's like I'm alone with me.

But I never told you
what I should have said.
No, I never told you,
I just held it in. And now,
I miss everything about you
(Still, you're gone)
Can't believe that I still want you
(And I'm lovin' you, I never should've walked away)
after all the things we've been through
(I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you
without you.

(I never told you - Colbie Caillat)

.

33

She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

She had been laying awake, curled against him and with her head resting over his chest for the last fifteen minutes or so. And she just laid there, listening to his steady heartbeat, breathing him in and hoping for the minutes to go by slowly, for time not to pass at all.

She didn't want to move, she didn't want to think. She didn't want him to wake up either; she dreaded that morning after talk, knowing full well there were still questions and doubts in his head. And she really didn't want to have that conversation right now.

She knew she was being childish, holding on to nothing but wishful thinking. And she was being selfish too; with or without his memories, she knew him well enough to know he wouldn't just wake up, get dressed and leave without much of a word. Not because she was carrying his baby, but because he was just not that kind of guy. And if anything, teenage Seiya was that much more of a hopeless, romantic -naïve- dreamer than the twenty year old she had fallen in love with.

Still, she didn't want him to wake up. She just wanted to enjoy the moment; with her eyes closed, she could pretend like nothing was wrong, like everything was still the same.

But, of course, fate, the universe really, wouldn't have it her way, and her little pretend morning fantasy came to an end. His breathing changed, his chest rose up as he took in a deep breath, and she knew he was awake. She felt him moving, yet she refused to leave her spot over his chest.

"Don't," she whispered, forcing his hand to stay in place over her shoulder the minute he tried to move it away. Not even caring about the pleading tone to her voice, she knew he heard her when he stopped, staying still.

"Haruka…"

"Please, just…" she trailed off, slightly, hesitantly caressing his bare chest with the tip of her fingers. "Can we just lay here for a while and… not talk?"

She felt more than heard him letting out a sigh as he tightened his grip around her shoulders, caressing the arm she held across his chest with his free hand. And she closed her eyes again, resting her cheek against his chest, unwilling to move. A part of her was dying to look up, to stare into those deep, midnight blue eyes she loved so much. But she was terrified of doing so only to find doubt and uncertainty and discomfort. Though she knew he wasn't exactly uncomfortable; he would have moved away already if he was. But still. She was afraid of looking up, and not find that simple, honest love she used to see in those blue eyes of his.

And he seemed to be willing to give her that, to allow her this one moment. So she relaxed again, just laying there, with him by her side. No words, no questions, no thoughts; no what if's, no 'where do we go from here?' or 'what do we do now?'; right now, it was just the two of them, laying in bed, holding one another.

But, again, the universe wouldn't have it her way.

His cell phone rang.

An awkward silence engulfed them then, interrupted only by the device ringing insistently. By the third ring, she let out a defeated sigh, getting off his chest. Not even bothering with covering herself with the sheets -what for? He had already seen her naked, anyway-, she fished for her sleeping shirt, laying forgotten on the floor.

"You should get that," she said, getting up from the bed and turning to look at him, masterly avoiding his eyes.

"Yeah," he mumbled, moving to sit up.

She just nodded her head, making her way into the bathroom and giving him the time to answer the phone and the privacy to get his pants back on.

She heard him moving around the room as he answered the call, and she tried to block him away. Opening the faucet, she splashed water on her face, staring into her own green eyes. For a moment, she toyed with the idea of crushing her fist, hard and strong, against the damn mirror; it would surely help lose some of the tension and frustration. But it wouldn't make everything else go away; that whole in her chest, that pain, would still be there afterwards. And if anything, punching the mirror would only add bleeding knuckles to her pain.

Instead, she just limited herself to wash her teeth and rearrange her hair with her hands. Happy that she hadn't emptied her stomach by the toilet, she decided she was hungry. She couldn't even remember when was the last time she had a good, healthy, full breakfast, and she wasn't even sure she would be able to keep it inside her stomach. But it was worth a shot.

Taking her robe and throwing it on, she stepped out of the bathroom and into the bedroom again, risking a glance his way and then trying not to smile at the sight he made. Pants on, belt hanging undone and with his undershirt half way to his forearms, he just stood there, holding the cellphone in place between his shoulder and ear, with his head tilted to a side and a frown decorating his features as he listened to whoever was calling him this early in the morning.

The early hour and his frown told her it was probably important, so she left him to it, signaling the door and down the hallway. Without waiting for him to give any sign that he understood, knowing it wouldn't be hard for him to figure out where she was, she stepped out of the bedroom and down the hallway, making her way downstairs.

She made a straight line to the kitchen, pouring water on the kettle and placing it over the burner, turning it on. She then took a cup and placed it over the counter, going for the tea next. She came upon the wide variety of teas Makoto got for her and she eyed them curiously. She remembered reading somewhere that there was no scientific proof of red raspberry leaf tea being actually good for pregnant women, but the brunette had been right on one point; it was natural, and it wouldn't hurt to try it out.

She just hoped it wouldn't cause a disagreement with her stomach…

A whine and a ball of fur gracing her leg made her look down, and she chuckled as she looked into Kalina's blue eyes. Already knowing what the dog wanted, she went into the living room, with her pup happily and excitedly right at her heels.

She slid the door open for the dog to go out to the backyard just as she heard Seiya coming down the stairs. Bracing herself for what was to come, she turned around. Already full dressed, he had a strange look upon his face, as if he was just about to apologize for something.

And Haruka knew right there, she wasn't going to like whatever he was about to say.

"I have to go," he announced, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly while pointing at the main door with his free hand.

She blinked.

Surprised, she opened and closed her mouth, frowning. That was certainly not what she thought he was about to say. It saved her from an awkward morning after conversation, and it was definitely better than him apologizing. Still, she wasn't sure she liked it.

"Yeah," he said, as if reading her surprise. "Souta called," he provided. "Apparently, he forgot to mention that CanCam Magazine has exclusive, full coverage of the concert, and that includes a 'behind the scenes' photo shot and interviews…"

"Oh," she said, slightly nodding her head. But then she frowned again. "He forgot?" the blonde asked, knowing full well Souta rarely ever forgot anything. Which was what made him such a great manager in the first place.

The singer chuckled, easily guessing her line of thoughts. "Yeah," he said. "Something about not wanting to overwhelm me with journalists after the accident…" he said, vaguely waving a hand around.

One blonde eyebrow went up at that.

What was the point on not telling him about the interviews in order to avoid overwhelming him, if he still had to go through with it, anyway? One thing was for sure though; Souta was lucky Seiya still didn't remember a thing. Because the Seiya she knew not only hated being kept in the dark about things like that, but also hated when journalists got a free pass behind stage to cover a show from beginning to end like this. Mainly, because it usually meant no privacy at all, stupid, nosy questions being thrown his way nonstop, and journalist and cameramen being in everybody's way while having to live with a camera pointing at his face the entire time.

Not that he had something against journalism. It fed the fans, after all. But both Seiya and herself liked to set a line between their work and public lives, and their privacy. And full, exclusive coverage and free passes usually crossed that line. Again, she understood the privacy of a changing room ignited the fans' curiosity; but there was a difference between letting a journalist in and show the -usually small- place around, and having to get changed and ready for the show with a camera pointing straight at the singer's face and butt.

Seiya hated that. He had a bit of a ritual before going on stage, and strangers around usually ruined it for him, keeping him from having that moment of piece and quietness before heading out. She didn't exactly know teenage Seiya that well, and maybe him being so cautious around journalists and what the boundaries of a so called full coverage were was something he learned with time. So chances were Souta wouldn't get yelled at for not telling him that bit of information.

She just hoped Seiya was ready to face them. With his memory still gone, she hoped there wouldn't be any question thrown his way he wouldn't know the answer of…

"Didn't make that much sense…" the singer mumbled, scratching the back of his neck. "Anyway!" he exclaimed, taking a deep breath. "I should…"

"Get going," she finished for him, nodding her head. "Yeah, you should," she agreed. "Want some coffee before you go?" she asked, pointing at the general direction of the kitchen as she did so.

He winced. "I don't want you getting sick," he pointed out, remembering her the scent of coffee was not exactly her favorite smell in the world these days. "I can get some on my way."

"Right," she mumbled, nodding her head and lowering her gaze. "Ok," she whispered, not wanting to look up and into his eyes.

The unexpected call saved her from an awkward conversation, but it didn't exactly save her from all and any awkward moment. And this was exactly it. What was she supposed to say to him now? 'Thanks for coming by and fucking me, I really needed that'? Sure, it wasn't exactly untrue, and she was quite a bit more sensitive than usual on that particular area. But that was not the reason why she did it.

She missed him.

She loved him, and she wanted to be with him. In every sense; in all and every possible way.

An embarrassed blush made it to her cheeks as flashes from last night invaded her mind. And she just stood there, fidgeting with the sleeves of her robe, not knowing what to say. But when she heard him moving, she risked a look up just to see him doing something she didn't expect him to do.

Taking long, easy strides and meeting the distance between them, he cupped her chin, tilting her face towards him and capturing her lips with his.

It was a sweet kiss. Soft and tender, he met her lips again and again as his hands made it around her waist. Taken by surprise, but too caught up by his lips, his touch, his warmth, she just stood there, raising her hands up and grabbing the material of his sweater, answering to his small, tender kisses.

God, she missed him. She missed this…

As soon as that thought crossed her mind, she realized the forces of the universe were definitively against her that morning. His cellphone beeped and he broke the kiss, taking the device out of his pocket and looking at the screen.

"'Don't forget to bring breakfast'," he read, showing her the text he just received from his guitarist as he rolled his eyes.

She chuckled. "You better go and feed your band members," she teased.

"Yeah…" he agreed, chuckling too and shaking his head, amused. But then he looked up at her again, cupping her cheek with one hand and gently caressing it with his thumb.

The soft, small smile he gave her, lifting up the corner of his lips as he looked at her straight in the eyes was enough to drown her. It was the kind of smile he would give to her, with that loving light dancing in his midnight blues, that could always make her feel like falling in love with him all over again. But right now, it just confused her; it made her feel so lost…

Standing on unsteady ground, she just looked right into his eyes, unsure of what to say or what to do now.

"I'll call you later," he said, with nothing but tenderness pouring out of his voice, and that light in his eyes never fading.

"Ok," she said, nodding her head.

With a suddenly heavy heart, she watched him go, stepping out of the door and the house. And she took a deep breath, trying to fight her sudden sadness, only to make the hole in her chest more evident.

Shaking her head, she made her way into the kitchen again. But she was no longer in the mood for breakfast, so she turned the burning ring off. Leaving kettle, teacup and bag forgotten on the counter, she stepped into the living room again, laying herself down on the couch and raising both feet up, hugging her legs.

She was tough. She was strong. There were many things she could deal with, all by herself. But this was just not one of those things. She really didn't know how to go about it. This middle point, this in between was just so confusing. And, in between of what, exactly? They had been sort of friends for the last couple of weeks. But then they just spent the night together. Did that make them lovers? Friends with benefits?

Was that even possible?

She shook her head, taking a deep breath. Even if it was possible, it was something she didn't want.

She wanted it all.

She had always been a black or white kind of person, and she wanted it all. And this middle point, blurred and undefined, was more than she could handle and just nowhere near enough. And it wasn't even the undefined situation they were in what bothered and confused her so much; it was not knowing where he stood, what he felt. About her, and about them.

Being this unsure of him was driving her insane.

In a way, Taiki had been right; Seiya was still there. He was still the same. His memories were gone, but his personality, his essence was the same. The long talks with him proved her that much. He didn't remember facts and events, but his way of thinking, of rationalizing things, the way he spoke and how he went about things; the way he kissed her, the way he touched her; it was all the same.

The question wasn't if whether or not she could still love him. She did; with all her heart, with everything she was. The real question was, could he learn to love her again?

She knew he was over the hating her phase. That much was obvious. And he seemed to be developing feelings for her as well. Last night would have never happened otherwise, and that little demonstration just this morning pointed towards that direction.

But she knew him too well.

The questions that hurt and scared her the most were probably the same ones that plagued his mind. Was he really feeling something for her because of her, because of who she was, or because she just happened to be pregnant with his baby? Was he really starting to feel something for her, or was it just a product and a sum up of everything around them? Were his feelings -whatever those were- real, or was he just trying to fool himself?

She knew he wouldn't deliberately hurt her. Not on purpose; he was just not that kind of guy. But the truth was, her ending up getting hurt was a very real possibility.

A soft whine made her looked down, only to find Kalina standing next to her. The dog's blue eyes looked up at her and then to the door, before letting out another whine.

A sad smile made it to her lips then. "I know," she said, petting her pup. "I miss him too."

Gently and tenderly playing with Kalina's ears, green eyes wandered off to the portion of the sky she could see from the wide backyard sliding doors.

Last night, while they were making love, she had been terrified to look into his eyes. She had been unable to keep his gaze for longer than a few seconds, scared of what she might find there. And just this morning, she had found herself on that same situation, with that same fear eating her up, only to find that sweet, tender light dancing in blue eyes. And it filled her heart as much as it pained her, and she honestly didn't know what to except now.

There was nothing left for her to do but wait. One way or the other, he had to make up his mind and she would have to respect his feelings and decision, whichever way he took. But it was the waiting more than the result in itself what unnerved her so much; it left her feeling lost, more alone than ever, and too scared to hope.

Still, there was nothing left to do, but wait. And maybe, just maybe, he'll come back to her.