Chapter 38: In Which Old Ghosts Are Laid To Rest

Snape sat on his bed and fingered a piece of cloth. He had on his black professorial robes, and one arm band, the one he had been able to create without a thought, already adorned them in red and gold splendour.

He was fingering the other piece of cloth, the green and silver of his own house slid between his fingers. He wasn't sure how appropriate it was to wear the colours of his own house. The people he had lost had died of their own bad choices. But they were his friends, or as close as he had had, and they were just as dead as any of the others who had died during the war.

Hermione stood at his mirror, looking at her own armbands critically. Red and gold, perfectly straight sat atop yellow and black. He stood up and attached the green and silver strip of fabric to his own sleeve. He held her from behind, his chin resting upon the top of her head.

"Who was your Hufflepuff?"

"Tonks."

"I had forgotten she was a Hufflepuff. For some reason, I tend to think of the Order of the Phoenix as being all Gryffindors."

"Most of us were." She turned to face him, laying her fingers on his Slytherin armband. "Who were your Slytherins?"

"Lucius, Narcissa, and Regulus."

"That's why you spent so long staring at it before you put it on?"

He nodded. "Narcissa was an easy choice. She wasn't a Death Eater, and she did everything she could to safeguard her family. I tried to get her out of England, out of the range of the Death Eaters, but she wouldn't leave her men. Then Bellatrix imperiused her…" His eyes went unfocused with a look she now knew meant he was seeing a view of the past.

After a moment he spoke again: "I was thinking of Lucius and Regulus. They were both Death Eaters. Lucius agreed with most of Voldemort's plans, and the ones he didn't like he was willing to accept as the price for an even more exalted position in our society. He was probably the least secure man I ever met. Money, fame, a beautiful wife, parents who doted on him, a child he adored, and he still wanted more. He needed someone to be better than, and Voldemort gave him that. On the flip side he was always kind to me. He took an interest in me from my first day at Hogwarts. He was the one who bought me a broom so I could play Chaser for our team. While he was at Hogwarts he made sure that Potter's group didn't get many chances to gang up on me. They were happy to go after me, when it was four to one their favour, but when Lucius was around, they'd leave me alone." He shook his head, memories of playing Wizard Chess in the Slytherin common room, Lucius always played white, collided with his most recent memories of Lucius, locked in Azkaban, insanely babbling, asking for Cissy, and begging him to keep her and his son safe. "After they re-built Azkaban he was in the cell across from mine. He never recovered from the fact that Bellatrix had imperiused Narcissa to blow up herself and the Ministry of Magic.

"Regulus had been closer to my age. He was a year behind us. What started as a mutual loathing of Sirius became something close to a friendship. But, beyond Sirius and Quiddich, we didn't have much in common. Regulus was not what you'd call bright. Both Lucius and I recommended he not become a Death Eater. Not that brains was a requirement, as I'm sure you noticed, but he didn't have the proper level of Pure Blood Superiority. But he was a Black, so he we welcome. His mother went bonkers after Sirius left, loading every ounce of pressure she could on Regulus to make sure that he was a proper Black, so he joined up after we both told him it was a bad idea.

"Then one day Regulus didn't show up when we were called. We never saw him again. And by that point, we knew better than to ask questions."

"I know what happened to him," Hermione said. Snape raised an eyebrow. Curious, but not entirely sure he wanted to know this many years later. He nodded anyway. It was better to know.

"Voldemort used Kreacher to test the cave he hid the locket Horcrux in. Kreacher was almost killed, so Regulus went to the cave, stole the Horcrux, and died doing it."

Snape digested that. Then, after a quiet moment, said, "That's exactly why Lucius and I told him not to join. Real Death Eaters weren't the kind of people who died to avenge an injury to a House Elf. Real Death Eaters were the kind of people who usually didn't know the names of their House Elves. Hell, a lot of the Death Eaters would have wanted to watch for the fun of it. That's one thing in Lucius' favour: he wasn't a good man, but he wasn't cruel just for the fun of it either."

Hermione looked incredulous. His description didn't exactly match with her view of Lucius Malfoy. He continued speaking, "You didn't really know any of the Death Eaters. By their standards I was a soft and fluffy bloke, tolerated only for my immense competence and access to the Order. Lucius was a moderate. Bellatrix was what they wanted to be."

Hermione shuddered and changed the topic. "Are you ready to leave?"

Severus looked at his armbands one more time. "Yes, let's go."

They joined the herd of Weasleys near the Room of Requirement. Somehow the castle remembered who had died where and produced white roses for all those who had died defending it. Molly, as she did every year, added a red rose for Ron. They were quiet, the sharp edges of grief had begun to dull, but the pain was still there.

Hermione stood near the back of the group: Harry and Ginny on one side, Snape on the other. Severus stood next to her, an arm wrapped around her shoulder, his chin resting on the top of her head. For the first time since March of 1997, Hermione had a shoulder of her own to cry upon. And cry she did, softly, for two lives that had ended much too soon, and for all the dreams that had died with them. As her tears slowed she felt cleansed. For the first time the joy of her time with Ron was outweighing her sorrow for his loss.

As they began to move to the place where the Lupins died, Harry held back. He gestured for Snape to stop with him. Hermione squeezed his hand and continued on with the rest of the group. Snape stopped a few feet from Harry.

Harry looked at him oddly, as if he was really seeing Snape for the first time. "Tell me about my mother. I know she was your woman."

Snape's eyes widened very slightly. If Harry hadn't been looking for some sort of tell, he would have missed it.

"Hermione didn't tell me anything; I worked it out for myself."

Snape raised one eyebrow, not quite sure what to say to that.

Harry pointed to Snape's sleeve, "You're wearing Gryffindor colours. I doubt it's for Albus. Maybe it's to honour the rest of us, but I'm thinking it's for her. You told me you became a spy to impress her, so she wasn't a Slytherin or a Muggle. You told me Voldemort killed her during the first war; there were only three women your age he personally killed. And only one of them was a potions whiz. Only one of them was in the Pensieve memory you didn't want me to see. Only one of them stood up for you against my father and his friends. Only one of them was a member of the Order." Harry was looking very intently at Snape.

Snape sighed. He gestured Harry to a secluded alcove where they could sit and talk. "What would you like to know?"

"All I know about her is that she was brave, good at Potions, came up with the Prophecy idea, and loved me enough to step in front of a killing curse for me. I know I have her eyes. What do I want to know? Everything else." Snape could see Lily sitting on the arm of Harry's chair, looking at both of them with great fondness. You two should have done this long ago. Her voice echoed in his head.

Snape's eyes grew soft in a way that Harry had never imagined could happen. His voice lost its harshness. Harry wondered why Snape appeared to be looking slightly to the left of him. "She was funny. And bright, not just smart, but she lit up a room when she walked into it. Your Ginny reminds me of her. They have a similar way of looking at the world, and a similar physical appearance.

"We worked on Potions, Occlumency, and Legilimency together. She was better at Legilimency, I was better at Occlumency, and we were evenly matched on Potions. Many of the notes my Potions book were hers. Levicorpus was hers.

"We were friends from the time we were seven. I was the first person who told her she was a witch. She used to drive her sister crazy by doing things that the sister couldn't do. It made her so jealous.

"She was a great comfort to me. My family life was not exactly easy, and she was always there to listen to me, or just be with me. She was a comfort to anyone who was within her sphere. She had a way of making anyone who got close to her feel happy, better, accepted." Snape's voice lowered. It seemed like he was talking to himself, as if he had forgotten Harry was still there. "She was home." His eyes snapped back into focus on Harry, who was listening intently.

"She loved Quiddich, but didn't like to fly. She'd get dizzy if she got too high on a broom. She preferred pumpkin juice to Butterbeer. Her favourite color was royal purple. She liked glam rock, especially David Bowie, but some of that was probably because of how much it upset her sister." Snape paused thinking of what to say next. Harry took that moment to speak.

"But what about the…" Snape saw the image of Lily storming away from him in Harry's eyes.

"That was one very bad day in a relationship that lasted ten years. I agreed to spy for the Order two weeks later and won her back by that."

"Did you date her?"

"No. We were friends, very good friends. I think we would have been more, but as soon as graduation came, I became a Death Eater, and never got to see her again. We were going to meet up at the Victory Party that never came."

"And my dad?"

"I didn't really know James. He was smart enough to know that I was standing between him and your mum, and he was willing to do what he could to make me look bad in front of her, and I was willing to do the same to him."

"What did he do for the Order?"

"He wasn't a member; at least I don't think he was. He graduated, played Quiddich for Brighton, and courted your mum, but that's all I know."

"He joined 's a picture of the Order, and he's in it. What about her? How did she become involved?"

"I brought her with me for the Occlumency and Legilimency lessons with Dumbledore. After I agreed to spy on the Death Eaters, I needed some new skills, and she wanted to learn them as well. Besides Dumbledore, we might have been the first two members. Or not. He was always less than forthcoming about what was going on with that operation."

Harry gave him a look of perfect understanding and then said, "You said she loved you."

Snape looked at Harry. Lily stood behind the chair Harry was sitting in, placed a kiss on the top of his head, and smiled brilliantly at Severus. "Yes, she loved me. More than anyone had before. Can you feel the magical protection she placed on you?"

Harry thought long and hard. "Sometimes I think I can."

"Focus on the magic around me."

Harry was quiet for quite some time. He stared at Snape with unfocused eyes. "I see it. It's not the same spell she used on me, but it's similar."

"She placed her protection on me the day after I joined the Death Eaters. That was her greatest gift. She could love people so well that it would take physical form and keep them safe. I have no doubt that it was her protection that kept me alive when Nagini bit me. It kept me alive through many dark years."

"And you loved her?"

"More than anyone else in my life."

"Why didn't you save her?"

Snape was silent for a long moment. "After Nagini bit me, I thought I was dead. I found myself back by the river, where your mother and I used to spend long summer afternoons talking, playing, just being together. She was there, and she told me that this was the way it had to happen. She had to die, you had to die, and I had to die. It couldn't have worked any other way. Real? Imaginary? I don't know. I do know that I did everything I could short of kidnapping your mother to try and save her life. And I was very tempted to try that as well."

Harry could see the regret in the older man's eyes. "She was there that night. She walked with me to meet Voldemort. Before I entered the clearing they vanished. She would have gone to you." It was mostly a statement, with just a hint of question.

"Yes, she came to me. She's always been there when I needed her the most."

They spent the next two hours talking about Lily. Snape told the stories of their youth. Harry listened and asked questions. At lunch they rejoined the rest of the Weasley party. It was not until three days later that Snape realized that sometime, while talking to Harry, Lily had vanished.

Hermione had been right. By the end of lunch the sombre mood had lifted, and people had started to laugh. It began slowly: a titter here, a guffaw there. By the time George had finished the story about the time he and Fred discovered the route to the kitchens, the mirth had become infectious.

Snape toyed with the idea that a mild elixir of happiness had been added to the meal, but he didn't taste the tell-tale hint of liquorice and had yet to hear of anyone who could brew it without that flavour.

He was listening to Bill tell a story about Lupin when he felt the hairs stand on the back of his neck. Before he even had the time to think about it his hand was on his wand, and he was whirling to face whatever behind him had set off his danger sense.

He felt immensely foolish and jumpy when all he saw behind him was a tableful of other people who had come for Battle of Hogwarts day. He noted Neville, Luna, and Daphne, and what he guessed were their children.

Then he really saw Neville and realized he had set off Snape's wards. The rage in his look was powerful enough to make him want to cringe. The fact that he didn't know how to handle the situation made him feel flustered. He sat back down, made a joke about old habits dying hard, and thought about what to do.

Old Snape, Professor Snape, Greasy Git Snape, would have billowed over and taken points from Gryffindor while verbally abusing Neville. Which was probably why Neville was looking at him with such loathing.

New Snape didn't know what to do. He was sure that there was no way he could intimidate Neville any longer. The last year at Hogwarts had beaten all the fear out of him. What he wasn't sure of was what to do next. Walk over and apologize? Too little too late. Try to explain? A bit better, but not enough. Ask Harry and Hermione for help? God, you'd sound like a git. Let it lie. Probably the best bet.

He was happy with letting the issue lie, but all through the afternoon he'd feel Neville's eyes on him. By the fourth time it happened he was fairly sure that pretending he didn't notice wasn't going to cut it. After all, Neville had seen him whirl around looking for a fight during lunch. He had to know he had triggered that response.

With that in mind he gathered Hermione and Harry away from the romping baby Weasleys and asked them a question.

"Did anyone ever explain the Prophecy to Neville?"

They looked at each other. And with that look Snape knew the answer. Bloody Buggering Gits! He went with them to the Ministry and no one ever told him why. Fuck! He probably thinks they were there for Sirius. Snape stormed off toward Neville while Harry and Hermione were still looking at each other.

It wasn't hard to find Neville. All he had to do was focus on the hate. It was strong enough that eye contact was unnecessary. Hell, it's strong enough that all I need to do is be within one hundred yards. He closed the last few steps and found himself face to face with Neville Longbottom, Professor of Herbology, Order of Merlin First Class, Hero of Vold War II, Head of Gryffindor House, and the man who cut the head off of Nagini.

Neville stood to face Snape.

Hell! He's four inches taller than I am. When did that happen? Snape spoke quickly, laying down his olive branch before Neville could get in an attack. "I was horrible to you while you were in school, and I've just learned that no one ever told you why."

"Because you were a sadistic bully who enjoyed the pain of those weaker than yourself."

"Well, yes, but there was a much bigger reason." Neville looked disappointed. He had wanted a fight with Snape, but this man, who was smaller, cleaner, and older didn't resemble the man of his memories enough to satisfy his desires. Plus his immediate capitulation didn't help to foster Neville's rage.

"You just admit to being a bully? Like it was of no importance."

"It's obvious I was a bully. You know it, I know it, everyone who was in that class knew it. There's no reason to dispute it. And compared to the rest of the story, you might not find it terribly important either."

"Why should I even let you speak to me?"

"You don't have to. Harry or Hermione can tell you the story just as well. Maybe not just as well. They don't know about what happened to your parents, but they can give you the basics."

"I know what happened to my parents." Neville was angry, but as Snape noted, most of the anger was no longer directed at him.

"Yes, but you don't know why. Will you listen to my story? If you don't trust me, Dumbledore's portrait can confirm what I tell you." Neville nodded; anger at Snape, anger at himself for not being angry enough at Snape, and curiosity warred within him.

"When you went to the Ministry with Harry and the others, you were lured there because Voldemort wanted a Prophecy. In a nutshell that prophecy said that the one who could destroy Voldemort would be born in the end of July to parents who had thrice defied him. Lily Potter was the one who created that Prophecy in January of 1979. But that July no babies were born. Your mother and Lily decided to make sure the Prophecy would come true in 1980, resulting in you and Harry.

"No one knew which baby the Prophecy referred to. So both your parents and Harry's went into hiding shortly after your births. After Voldemort was killed Dumbledore hid Harry, but we thought you were still safe. After all, no one knew where you or your parents were, and your Grandmother wasn't about to tell anyone."

"I was still officially a member of the Death Eaters, so I was there when Bellatrix decided that both you and Harry had to die, and soon. That by the time the Dark Lord rose again, both of you would be out of the way. I got word to Dumbledore that they were looking for you, and he, well, you'll have to ask him what he did with it, but somehow your parents were captured. It might have been a trap that went wrong, or they were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"The Prophecy was kept quiet. On the Order's side Dumbledore, Lily, James, your parents, and I were the only ones who knew about it. It was an even closer secret among the Death Eaters, Voldemort, Bellatrix, and I were the only ones who knew. The story about your parents being captured and tortured to reveal the location of Voldemort's corpse was released. They were tortured to get information as to where you were. They both went insane rather than tell. At some point the Order realized your family needed help, and rescued them before Bellatrix finished them off.

"The year you started school was the year Quirrell came back with Voldemort along for the ride. We knew he had returned, and that it would just be a matter of time before I would need to rejoin the Death Eaters and reprise my role as spy. That meant there were two people I had to be especially horrible to, you and Harry. With Draco two tables over, I had an audience who would report back to the Death Eaters on my actions the entire time I had you in my class.

"I'm not saying I would have been a grand mentor and a pile of happy fluff had we met under different circumstances. You were a forgetful, twitchy child who never focused on your work, and really should not have been allowed into a room filled with bubbling cauldrons. You almost set fire to the class at least four times a year, and Hermione is almost entirely responsible for you passing the class. I am also not apologizing for how I treated you. I valued my position among the Death Eaters much more highly than your self-esteem. But I am sorry that no one thought to explain the whole story to you sooner. You should have known that you were a target for an extra load of misery. It might have been easier to deal with."

"My last year… That's why you let the Carrows torture us."

"I did not let them torture you. I encouraged them to torture you. In fact, I did my best to make sure that they knew I would be very pleased should you end up dead one day. But I also knew you were hiding in the Room of Requirement, and the correct way to get to you was to ask it for the passage to the Hog's Head. Obviously I did not want you quite as dead as I had let on."

They stood there staring at one another. Neville looked surprised, as if he had just found the monster under the bed really was just a forgotten old doll. Then, almost of its own accord, his hand moved, and punched Snape in the face.

Snape knew it was coming. He knew it a second before Neville did. He allowed himself to be hit, allowed Neville a chance to regain some face for all the years of belittlement. He was shocked at how much it hurt though. As he picked himself off the ground he tentatively touched his nose, and wondered if it was broken. Well, it's not like it'll look worse for it if it is.

Hermione had rushed over to them, glowering at Neville. She was yelling at him, but Snape wasn't paying attention to her words. He looked at Neville.

"Are you satisfied?" He really hoped Neville didn't want to hit him again. He didn't think he'd be willing to let him do it, and at this late date, a duel between them would just be uselessly messy.

Neville thought about it, and noticed Hermione still had her wand out. The fact that every one of his students were watching also weighed on his mind. He sighed. "Yes, I'm satisfied. Try not to bleed too much on the carpets; the House Elves are busy enough as it is."

Snape nodded, turned, took Hermione's hand, and walked back to the stunned looking Weasleys.