He was running out of time.
Alistair could see it in the trees, the slight incline of the road, he recognised the old stump to his left, despite it being much smaller than last time he'd seen it. They were close to Redcliffe, so close it was a wonder they didn't see the top of its turrets yet.
Yet he had yet to make his decision, his mind locked up with indecision and confusion.
Morrigan was sauntering up to him as he lead the group onwards, a cruel smile on her lips, Alistair treated her to a distracted nod before returning to his thoughts.
Did I make the right call? I could have said so many things...but that wouldn't have helped, would it? He shrugged, unable to make sense of it. How can kindness hurt? To be fair he had sensed it quite a few times, that Lynn...while appreciating him helping her as she recovered from her nightmares...at the same time despised it. But is it me or herself she despises? Alistair grimaced, the thought of Lynn despising herself...not sitting well with him.
"So I've come to understand the other warden had some fun last night?" Morrigan's tone was light, teasing.
Alistair just grunted, too busy with his thoughts to respond.
He understood it, sort of, he thought. She didn't want to appear weak, that much he'd understood from her unwillingness to show hesitation and fear before the others...but he was unsure he knew just how deep that desire ran. Does she despise me for seeing her like that? Surely she realises I think her anything as weak...to have the strength to go on after whatever she's been exposed to can't be easy.
"I find it amazing that she could make such an obviously experienced man as our little assassin cry out in pleasure that loud, don't you?"
Is it the whole 'I don't want to owe anyone anything' that bothers her? Surely she realises that we're close enough for me not to wish anything of her for doing her a favour that costs me nothing? I mean even if it did cost me something it wouldn't be a problem...or is it this that's a problem for her? Seemed that way...I don't understand it though. He frowned, trying to comprehend the thinking of the enigma silently marching on at the rear of their little group. But she does things for me too, she leads us for crying out loud! I could never do that...or does she think this so natural that she doesn't even consider it a kindness?
"So much moaning and gasping...even I could hear it from my part of the camp." Morrigan continued, her voice a distant mumble to Alistair's ears. "And for such a long time too...Zevran must really have done her a great favour, don't you think?"
Of course this leads to the main problem...we're close to Redcliffe and Eamon.Alistair suppressed his worry over the man as he tried to concentrate on his personal concern. And once there...she'll find out, I just know she'll find out, she's too clever not to. What will she think? Will it just be another tool? I don't want that...I'm more than just a tool...and I can't lead. No, no she knows this, yet...she will do anything to fight the blight, I don't...no...I don't...
"'Tis most entertaining to hear them...we can only hope they put up such a vigorous performance next time at camp, wouldn't you say so?"
Will she hate me for keeping this from her? She could probably have used my birthright earlier...she's clever like that. What happens if I tell her? Will I just become 'prince Alistair' all of a sudden? Not to mention that she's still fairly new to the idea of accepting humans as just people...will noble blood make that worse? They're the ones keeping her people under their heel after all...I don't want her to hate me.
"Alistair?"
Maybe she already does? Maybe she already hates me for being there when she awoke? I don't...think so though...but I doubt she'll be all that receptive to further changes. He suppressed the urge to glance backwards. I don't want things to change either...well...I do...preferably so she'll talk to me...but not for the worse...and that is far too likely to happen.
"Alistair...?"
Duty. Alistair nearly gagged at the word, he hated it, despised it, yet it burrowed into his mind, crashing through all the reasons he'd put up. I have to tell her...it's my duty...and if I don't do my duty she'll despise me anyway...so I just have to take the chance. He swallowed, fear making cold sweat run down his back. This is probably the worst time to bring this up...yet I have to...I hate this.
"Alistair!" Morrigan's irritated hiss was followed by a thump of something impacting with his armoured boot. Looking up he found Morrigan wince in pain, the witch for some reason wobbling as she moved away from him. "You stupid..."
"Huh?" Alistair blinked. "Yes...sure...good point...err..." He shrugged, not really knowing what the witch was going on about, and certainly not why she was scowling at him worse then usual.
Ignoring it was easy enough though, his mind far too occupied with more pressing concerns than the anger of the loathsome witch. Turning he found the others behind him slow to a halt, expectant gazes waiting for him to say...something, he swallowed. How much of what's going on do they know about? Did they hear Lynn shouting at me last night? Do they expect...something? "I suggest a short break...Lynn...could I...talk to you for a moment?" His voice quavered, but didn't break. Thank the Maker for small mercies...
"Sure." Lynn replied, voice clipped as she looked away and motioned that she would follow him.
Doing his best to ignore the others staring as they went to the right side of the road to rest he lead Lynn to the left, putting himself between her and them at a comfortable distance. At least now they can't see much of what's going on.... Looking down at the woman he wasn't too surprised to find her still looking away. Instead of the flush of her ears that he had expected though, she was probably embarrassed about earlier after all, she instead looked pale...sickly pale in fact. "Are you...okay?"
"Fine."
"Okay..." Alistair muttered, not at all buying it. "You're still not...thinking about the dream are you?"
Lynn snorted, as if there was something amusing with the thought. Guess it is, she's handled them for weeks now...
"Good, good...erm...yes..." He moved a hand to scratch the back of his neck, the fact that he didn't tear out hairs there all too readily reminding him of the time she had cut it. "Heh...this is a little hard to say..." She's going to hate me, she's going to ask me why I didn't tell her sooner...and then hate me even more.
"Just say it then." Lynn bit her lower lip and looked down at her feet, somehow getting paler.
"Wha...?" Alistair hesitated, something in Lynn's tone...frightening him. She seemed so weak all of a sudden, afraid...as if she feared him striking her down where she stood. Which is just silly, but why is she cringing back then? "Well...here's the thing then...ah...heh..." Just say it...come on....
Lynn took half a step backwards all of a sudden, her skin ghostly pale, what little showed since she had lowered her head so much he couldn't even see her face. "Just...say it..." Maker...she looks ready to shatter!
It took a great effort of will not to reach out and touch her, or to ask what was wrong. But if I do...I don't think she could handle that. Suddenly the urge was very easy to suppress. "Well...the thing is..." He forced a smile. "...I'm a bastard."
There was a pause, the woman before him going very still.
Then she looked up at him, her paleness somewhat lessened, eyes large, trying to comprehend what he was saying. "Is that...a...taunt...of before...?" She blinked, looking so confused it was heartbreaking. Even as he stared back he saw a small tear appear in the corner of her eyes...
"No!" Alistair raised his hands, panicking. "No, no! Of course not! Don't be crazy! I would never..." He winced at the grimace crossing Lynn's features. Kindness...dammit. "Look, I didn't mean it like that...I meant it...as it actually being true...as in...physically...or blood...heh...you know...really."
The tear was instantly blinked away, the paleness replaced by suddenly reddening ears. "Oh..."
"Which is fine!" Alistair forced a grin. "Very suiting...you know...no need to feel that you've somehow hurt me...or...anything..." Great, good choice of words there...idiot.
"Oh..." Lynn looked away, looking uncertain.
Of course she does, I'm not making any sense! Here she thinks I'm going to bring up the whole me nearly breaking her by being a thoughtless moron! And instead I make it sound as if I'm taunting her and then proceed to make it sound as if I don't care about what she's said to me! Maker...I am a moron. "Look, I was raised by Eamon, right? And was then sent of to the chantry and all that...you remember that?"
"Of course." The woman whispered back, refusing to meet his gaze.
"Well...Eamon raised me because my mother was dead...and my father...unavailable." Alistair grimaced. I'm skirting the subject...Maker...this is hard. "Since he raised me in his castle there were quite a few whispers about who my father was...many of those saying he actually was my father." How I wish that was true... "Which of course didn't go so well with his wife, arlessa Isolde." Alistair grimaced again, his many run-ins with the woman as a young boy running through his head. "I can't really blame her...if it had been true it would be an insult to her...the arl keeping his bastard child with his proper wife and all...I do understand that she wanted me gone...not that I did back then, but now I do."
Lynn didn't reply, the woman probably trying to make sense of his blabbering. Yes, good work there, not like I haven't prepared this speech for ages! Where did that speech go!? Huh!?
"So...Eamon sent me away." Alistair shrugged, trying to ignore the regret washing over him at the memories. "Sure, he visited at times, but I wouldn't hear of it...he tried a final time, gave me back my mother's amulet I had thrown at his face when he sent me away..." He shook his head, the image still burnt into his retinas. "And I threw it into the wall...so he could never give it back again...a stupid thing to do..."
"Alistair..." Was there a question there? Or just...oh...right.
"Right, sorry, I forgot the important part didn't I?" Alistair laughed, feeling extremely awkward as he shifted from foot to foot. "Eh...well..as I said I wasn't Eamon's son..." Just tell her, just get it over with.
Lynn glanced up at him from staring at her feet, looking confused beyond words. I shouldn't have said anything, she's got enough on her mind already...but the die has been cast....
"Because we knew...eh...that Maric was my father..." Just confusion. "...as in I was his bastard child with a local servant girl..." More confusion. "...Maric, as in Maric Theirin..." A slight twitch in her face. "...which...sort of...makes me Cailan's half-brother."
The woman twitched, her face blank. For a horrible moment Alistair thought she would kneel before him, swear her allegiance or...something. Instead she just whispered back: "Does...that...?"
"No! Maker no!" Alistair paled at the implication, his voice cracking: "I surely hope not!" He shook his head, the familiar terror of the whole kingship idea rolling over him. "It's always been made very clear to me that I'm just a bastard son who has no proper claim to the throne...and will remain so. And that's very much okay with me." He hoped she would understand what he meant by that, no king Alistair here, oh no. Not that she would care about my opinion in that...would she?
"But...with Cailan dead..." Lynn was just muttering the words, stare blank.
"Yes..." Alistair looked away, picking a spot far away in the distance to stare at. "...lets not think about that please? It's not important anyway, I'm not royalty, and never will be thank the Maker." Alistair licked his lips. "I just...it might come up when we arrive...and I wanted you to hear it from me..."
"Royalty..."
"Please don't say that." Alistair grimaced, hands curling into fists at the implication. "I'm neither royal nor noble, despite what any diluted blood may say. I'm a mistake...please don't make it into anything else."
There was no answer, the woman hesitating. She's going to do it. Alistair felt his heart drop. "I..." She shifted where she stood. She's going to make use of this...Maker...no. "...why didn't you...tell me?"
He was almost relieved of the question and managed to face her, smiling awkwardly. The eyes looking back at him were still large, and though the blushing of her ears had stopped it had been replaced by a slight paleness. At least she's not ready to shatter any longer... "Well...everyone who needed to know already knew before...and then...things just...continued." He shrugged, unsure. "I won't lie...I've been a little...afraid of telling you to be honest."
"Afraid?" Lynn echoed, confusion etched in her face.
"Well you're so clever and smart and strong and..." Alistair fumbled for words, the staring woman not helping things. "I knew you would find a way to use this to our advantage, but I don't want to become king or....even have my blood mentioned really...even if it might help us."
The confused look was instantly replaced by a pained one, guilt and shame so clearly written on Lynn's face that Alistair felt his own shame resurface.
"But that wasn't the big thing!" He hurriedly said, trying to stop his thoughtless words from pushing the woman over the edge. Dammit...I have no way with words...another reason not to become king. "I...just...everybody who knows always treats me differently, either I'm someone to envy or to hate...or to coddle." He grimaced, feeling a pressure close around his heart as he continued: "Even Duncan did, that's why he kept me out of the fighting at Ostagar...because I'm too important to waste, unlike him."
"That's not true." Lynn mumbled, looking away.
"What?" Alistair forced a grin. "You mean I'm unimportant enough to waste? Or that Duncan didn't coddle me?"
"You're important..." Lynn sighed, still looking away. "And Cailan ordered you to go with me, not Duncan..."
"I...yes...he did." Alistair winced. "I guess I wanted to feel guilty about that...can't have enough of that eh?" He offered the woman an awkward smile.
The eyes looking back were anything but amused, tired, pained...and still a little confused for some reason.
Alistair felt his shoulders slump. "I...just didn't want you to think differently of me. I...my origin...has certainly defined my life...but it's not who I am." He grimaced and looked away. "I just wanted you to..." Careful now. "...like me for who I was...not because of where I came from..." He lowered his head and stared at his hands, wanting nothing but to get things over with. "...I guess...that sounds...stupid..."
"No." Huh? Looking up he found Lynn looking...oddly decisive for someone who had been on the verge of shattering mere moments ago. She shook her head, gaze level. "No it doesn't." The eyes softened. "You...had all right to do that. And...I won't force you to do anything..."
"Thank you." Alistair sighed, suddenly realising he'd been holding his breath.
Then, out of the blue, a laugh bubbled out of her, a sudden smile on her lips. "Heh, like I could force the prince to do anything..."
I don't remember the last time she smiled... Grinning Alistair feigned a groan. "Oh Maker, I'm going to regret this aren't I?"
"You brought it up." Lynn chuckled, actually chuckled! "Now I wonder if I could make Leliana your court jester? And Wynne would obviously be your advisor, Sten would be the bodyguard. Oghren...perhaps the drunken uncle?"
"Yes, like my pedigree isn't confused enough without a dwarven uncle!" Alistair laughed, relieved that Lynn hadn't brought up Zevran, and knowing why she hadn't. It was...kind of her. Alistair grinned as he asked:"And what does that make you?"
"Me?" Lynn hesitated, making Alistair regret his words. Damn, and it was going so well... To his relief the woman retained her amusement and she smiled. Pulling her hair back over a pointed ear she did a clumsy curtsy. "I'm obviously your elven handmaiden, every king needs one."
"That sounds dangerous, my family has a history with servants." Alistair joked, and instantly realised his mistake at the way Lynn flinched. "I mean...heh..." The woman looked away, a hand coming up to rub her elbow, biting her lower lip. Nice, I had to continue the joke too far, didn't I...?
Looking away Alistair felt the silence stretch out, crushing the relief he'd felt mere moments ago.
Awkward....
Then he noticed the distant contour of a man on the road, a man running. Alistair felt his hands curl into fists at the sight, realizing something was wrong, the run was too hurried, too stumbling...that of a wounded man...who could only be coming from Redcliffe.
Redcliffe...Alistair narrowed his eyes at the now clearly wounded man and stepped forward, ready to meet whatever news the man might bring.
Eamon...I'm coming.
*
Thanks to Abydos Jackson for her aid.