Summary: Maria knows that she needs to confront Liesl one on one. Georg had headed off to make plans for the wedding, and the children are comforted to know that Maria will never leave them again. However, Georg interrupts an important moment between his fiancé and his eldest daughter. Also, he uncovers some information that shocks him, leading him towards an even more fearsome discovery.
REVIEWS ARE LOVED AND ENCOURAGED PLEASE!
AS I SAID, WE'RE COMING TO THE END HERE, SO I NEED TO KNOW HOW FAR WE'RE GOING...
Disclaimer: I do not own TSOM or any of the characters.
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Actions Have Consequences
Maria took Liesl's elbow, gently guiding her upstairs towards the governesses' bedroom. The room that held so many chaotic memoires for her. Once inside the room she turned to face her eldest daughter.
"Mother, have I done something?" Liesl asked skeptically. Something about the look on Maria's face made her worry. The generally blank or happy canvas, now portrayed a more gloom and serious contour.
"It is nothing you have done Liesl, but rather something I have allowed," Maria began, sitting on the edge of the bed, sheets still ruffled from her earlier residence. "First and foremost, I wish to thank you. I've been struggling terribly with losing the baby, with your father leaving-"
"And with starting a new job," Liesl added.
"Yes, that too." She agreed. "The nightmares seem to be a way of me working things out. However, it has been severely unfair to you."
"But you can't control what you do when you're dreaming." Liesl stated protectively. It warmed Maria's heart to see how quick she was to come to her defense.
"Yes, well I suppose that's true. However, now is an important time in your life and I fear that instead of being a mother to you, I have rather put you in a role where you've been somewhat of a mother to me. A role, I know you're too familiar with, having been one to your siblings for so long now."
"After mother died you mean?" Liesl asked.
"Yes."
"I don't mind truly. You've always taken such good care of us, I don't see why I can't take care of you too?" Liesl questioned defensively.
Maria smiled softly at her, nodding her head. Liesl had such a maternal instinct about her. The young woman had been so immersed in the role of care taker for so long, she couldn't even see anything wrong with it. While one day it would make her an excellent mother, now was not the time for it and Maria wanted to make that clear. She had to begin to hold herself accountable if she was ever going to begin to change the pattern she had unintentionally created.
"But Liesl, it's not your job to take care of me. While I love that you want to, it is my responsibility to make sure that you sleep through the night, not the other way around. I should be the one making sure that your siblings finish their homework, not you. You are so responsible that I fear I've overlooked the fact that you're not quite an adult yet. While you are, becoming quite a responsible young lady, you still deserve time to grow and learn. So while I want you to know how much I admire you for being there for me, I also want you to know that I'm going to be just fine."
Liesl turned her face from Maria, shielding her eyes from her gaze. There was something else she was hiding from her, and Maria couldn't figure out what it was. Surely, Liesl didn't take it personally that Maria wanted to be the one taking care of her, did she?
"Liesl, what is it?"
"It's nothing. I just love you mother." Liesl said, turning back to her and hugging her before she could look into her eyes. But without having to see her face, Maria knew there was something more. She could tell in the way Liesl's body almost quivered in her embrace; she could tell by the way her shirt warmed and moistened slightly from her tears; she could tell by the muffled sobs which, were barely loud enough to emit sound.
"You can tell me anything Liesl. I told you, it's my job to take care of you now," Maria offered, pulling her closer.
Liesl contemplated the idea. Could she really explain to her mother what was scaring her the most; the fear that was keeping her awake at night? It was the secret she had been holding onto for over a month now, and she wasn't sure what to do with. Everything seemed to have gone back to normal, but it was something that still scared her. Finally deciding that she needed to come clean, she pulled back from her mother's embrace.
"Will you wait here for a minute?" Liesl asked.
"Yes, but-"
"I have to show you something, I'll be right back, I promise." And with that Liesl ran from her arms, wiping her tears as she left the room.
She turned down the corridor and headed towards her bedroom to retrieve it. The piece of paper that she had torn out of her notebook and hid away for safe keeping. The list of ways that she would confront Maria, was still in her pillowcase. With the exception of removing it when Frau Schmidt would come to do the laundry, she would always place it back there. It was the one place she knew her siblings wouldn't consider looking; maybe the only private place she really had. After sliding her hand in the pillow case she found it, and turned on her heels to head back to the bedroom. However, when she entered, she realized that her mother was no longer alone.
"Father!" Liesl stated, a little too abruptly.
Maria looked down at the piece of paper in Liesl's hand, a hand that was now trembling. Immediately, she realized who the issue was.
"Your father was just checking on us, but I believe he has some other errands to get back to." Maria said, hoping Georg would get the hint. She hadn't wanted to have the conversation with Liesl in front of him to begin with. But when he had appeared at her door way with that devilish smile, she invited him in absent mindedly.
"Oh no, I'm free actually," Georg said playfully, knowing he was interrupting some sort of girl chat, but didn't care. Maria gave him a disapproving nod, but he missed it, instead turning his attention towards Liesl.
She froze momentarily, staring at Maria for help. However, Maria, still staring at Georg, never noticed her.
"What's that you have there," Georg asked, motioning to her hand.
Liesl immediately crumbled the paper, pulling it swiftly behind her back. Her blue eyes were glossed over with fear. How could she confront Maria with her father standing there?
"Nothing father, just a list of shops I wanted to check out with mother."
Maria looked at her curiously, knowing immediately that she was lying. Unfortunately it was Maria's confused expression that gave Liesl's lie away to Georg.
"It's not like my children to be secretive." Georg announced authoritatively, motioning his hand in a 'come hither' like motion. However, she turned quickly taking off out of the doorway.
Georg turned to Maria. Her mouth was agape, as was his. She shrugged her shoulders, as he turned towards the doorway blinking rapidly. Both adults frowned, as Georg tugged on his ear slightly.
"Well, um, that was interesting." He replied, feeling embarrassed by the entire situation. It was so out of character for Liesl to disobey him. "What were you speaking of before I entered?" he asked, now generally concerned.
"It was nothing that could have elicited that sort of response, I assure you." Maria said, scratching her head as she walked towards the door. Looking out into the hallway Maria glanced around and saw no sight of Liesl. Whatever it was she was hiding from her was clearly a matter she did not want discussed with Georg.
She remembered her being so fearful, so afraid before she had left. But she decided to give her some space before breaching the situation again. Besides she was concerned that if she went to Liesl now, Georg would follow her in toe.
"Any sight of her?" Georg asked, now sitting on the bed.
"No, but I think I'll give her sometime before I go to her. Sometimes, our emotions are so intense at that age, it's hard to process through them all," Maria offered.
[THREE DAYS LATER]
Maria had quite literally used every last bit of strength she had to make it up the stairs. It was another meal successfully skipped, and another argument with Georg avoided. The first night, some three days earlier she had to throw some fuel on the fire. He was not thrilled with the fact that she was 'too busy' to dine with them for dinner that evening. However, after explaining and throwing some guilt his way, (about him not being there year around, and how exhausted she was trying to manager her job, the children, and the household alone) he relented. How could he argue that? In two days he would be leaving again. If this was the one thing she had done, the one ritual she had chosen to break while he was gone, he could live with that; or so he thought.
Even though he felt too guilty to start any real fight with her, he would constantly pester her about it. At least until she started to become frustrated with him at which point he would drop it. But can't you at least eat one meal with us? I can eat with you, and watch you work? Are you sure you don't want to come down for dessert at least? But every attempt would end with her reminding him that she needed to use the time to get ahead before the children returned to school the following week. It was going to be difficult for her to manage things once he was gone again, etc.
She had never cared much for lying. It wasn't a trait that suited her well, and she felt quite terrible doing so. But somehow, it seemed like she owed it to the baby and maybe even God. Cleansing her system by starving herself, she was purifying herself in a sense, and it seemed like the only way to really do that. It was such a small price to pay, such a small burden to bare in comparison to the pain she had caused. The loss of a life, the loss of her faith.
She shook her head, swaying out the negative thoughts that burdened her mind. It had already exhausted all of her strength just to make it up the stairs. Why was it taking such a toll on her body this time? It's not that it wasn't challenging before, but now it seemed she could barely climb a flight of stairs, and she was only three days in. Perhaps she hadn't considered the emotional rollercoaster she'd endured. The breakdown in the bathroom; the smashing of the mirror; the fight with Georg; the breakup; the new marriage proposal; the situation with Liesl, and everything else had taken a toll on her. It was a lot for anyone to experience in one day.
When she made her way to his master suite to work, she stumbled walking through the doorway. The hair on her skin stood up on edge, as she felt a deep shiver run up her spine. She began to feel her entire skin turn cold, as a hot sweat began seeping through her pores all over her body at once. Feeling as if she was going to be sick, she took a weakened step forward towards the bathroom. She stumbled again, barely catching herself this time, as her vision slowly started to circle black dots. The dots appeared first as rain drops on a puddle that then spun out, fudging her view entirely.
As she took one last step, she felt the texture of the floor shift and she knew she had made it to the bathroom. However, she still was unable to see anything. A ringing in her ears began, and she could feel a tingling on her skin, a pins and needles that trickled down into each of her finger tips. She reached towards the skin, finding the faucet and turning the water on to splash her face. She knew she needed to escape the heat and the blackness that stole her sight. But before she could reach her hands towards the water, her knees gave out, and she fell against the floor violently, giving way to the darkness.
[GEORG]
After Maria had left the table, Georg knew he had the opportunity to sneak away as well. Whatever it was that Liesl was hiding, could possibly still be in her possession. It was frustrating that he hadn't thought of it until now, but he knew of the perfect place to look.
When Liesl was younger, if she wanted to hide anything from Fredrich she would place it inside of her pillowcase. It was a clever spot really. Fredrich was the master at searching and would often win in any game of hide and seek, against everyone and anyone but Liesl. For whatever reason, Liesl could always outsmart him. He recalled watching them play together one day when they were little. Fredrich had stolen a small rock Liesl had found outside in the garden. He refused to give it back to her so in retaliation, she went inside and had taken his tooth brush.
After two days' worth of searching, Georg had finally begged Liesl to reveal her master hiding place one night. She smiled as she sat up in bed, shook out her pillow, and handed the tooth brush to her father. He remembered he couldn't even be mad at her, he was so impressed. The fact that the entire family and staff had ripped apart the house looking for it for two days, and not found, was brilliant. He decided not to reveal her hiding place to anyone, and instead threw out the tooth brush, bought Fredrich a new one, and told everyone, even Agathe, that he never found it.
Sneaking up the stairs towards her room he tip toed down the corridor. He knew that Maria would frown upon him sneaking in Liesl's things, and he knew she was upstairs working. After walking into the bedroom he ran over to her bed, and sure enough, found the crumbled piece of paper in her pillow case. Smiling to himself, he snuck out of the room into the hallway and shut the door behind him quickly. Huffing a little too dramatically he smirked at himself. To any on looker he would have appeared as a school aged child, sneaking about.
Remembering his mission, he gave one last glance around to ensure he was alone and after feeling satisfied, he opened the note.
Why is mother starving herself?
Mother, I noticed you miss each meal
Mother, I know it's none of my business but
Mother, I watch you bring your trays full of food down each night after everyone is asleep and I realized that must mean that you aren't eating
Mother, are you starving yourself because I think that is what is happening
Mother, you seem so weak lately, and I fear something is wrong
Mother, I know you tell Frau Schmidt and everyone else you are eating, but I know for a fact you are not and I'm scared
Mother, I'm scared you're going to get sick and we're going to lose two mothers
Mother, did we do something wrong?
Georg read the list over and over again trying to make sense of what it said. Clearly it was written in Liesl's handwriting, and clearly it was addressed to Maria. As he turned it over, looking for any more clues he discovered the last one.
Mother, I never gave this to you before because you started eating again last month and I thought you were better. But I know you are starving yourself. You told me the other day that you don't want me to take care of you, that it's your job to take care of me. So I just wanted you to know that you're scaring me mother. I can't lose you. You were right, I do need you to take care of me, and father, and all of us. None of us could be okay again if we lost you… I wanted to give this to you today, but father was there and …
And what? He thought to himself! What else did the note say? She had stopped midsentence and he didn't understand why. But maybe it didn't matter. Something was clearly going on and he needed to get to the bottom of it. His heart was breaking in two, to hear the cries of his eldest daughter, so afraid that Maria would die? Was it that serious?
Anger began boiling in his chest. Could she truly be that selfish to do such a thing? Did she honestly think that his children would not notice? They noticed everything! Even she had told him that months ago. They had already lost one mother and here she was, playing with fire behind his back! Didn't they suffer enough? How could she be so damned self-absorbed.
But was she really self-absorbed? He considered, quite stupidly, for the first time in three days, if she was really okay. Then it all came rushing back to him, her smashing the mirror, the cut on her arm, the nightmares, and now the starvation? There was still something seriously hurting her and apparently, it was hurting her far more than he could have ever imagined. He took off towards the suite where she was supposed to be working, and slammed the door open. The bed remained empty, as did the desk but the sound of the running water caused him to look towards the bathroom.
Georg's eyes followed the trail of the rushing water slowly. The water rushed down the faucet, into a pool that had gathered in the sink, and then rushed rapidly like a sideways waterfall across the sink and down the side of it, trailing along the front of the cabinets and surrounding her thin weak figure on the ground.
"Maria!" he screamed. The shock fled through his body as the flashbacks of losing his wife plagued his mind. He paused momentarily, until regaining his composure as he rushed over towards her limp, lifelessly body.
Note: I know, I know. The dramatic ending is one of my things, and I can't seem to break away from it. I apologize! I will be back to writing tomorrow, and I will have the chapter up for you. Thank you for those of you who followed along, and Honkytonkangel (and guest, sorry you didn't leave a name), for already reading my last chapter and leaving me a review! I appreciate the support!