Also known as "Dante vs Internet 2: Rematch of Ultimate Destiny

Dante swaggered through the corridors of the Soul Society. He was lost beyond all hope, with no prayer of ever getting his bearings until he found one of the Squad barracks. Fortunately for him, he quite frankly didn't give a damn.

After an altercation with Lady (one where boiling hot water had been threatened at very sensitive places) which most certainly came out of nowhere and was in no way whatsoever his fault no matter what she said, he'd decided it was in his best interests to put as much distance between him and the mad woman as humanly (or in his case, demonically) possible.

Nero, proving once again his heroic disposition and courageous valor, had turned tail and fled in the opposite direction as well, muttering something about "avoiding the business end of that bazooka" the last time Dante saw him.

Kyrie…was no fool. She had mysteriously vanished the second Lady had raised her voice at Dante. If he didn't know any better, he'd say she was taking lessons from that chick with the pigtails. What was her name again? Ah, right, Soifon. The one babe that may actually be crazier than Lady. He began to wonder that when he told her that, if she'd be more offended at him calling her crazy or the idea that she might actually have competition…

Unfortunately, his musing was cut short as a Squad headquarters loomed ahead of him. Shrugging, he continued walking casually to it, humming as he did. His eyes flicked up to stare at the number of the Squad, but it was useless. While he could speak Japanese, he certainly couldn't read it. Undaunted, he continued toward the entrance.

Had he been able to see that the number of the Squad was Twelve, though, and knowing the fate that often befell the "guests" of Squad Twelve, he probably would have ran full tilt away, risking the wrath of Lady just to avoid that place.

…Or maybe not. Dante was the type to do stupidly reckless things, after all.

As he wandered into the building, Dante glanced around. Huh. Dark place. Wonder if that means they're all asleep, or they're not here. He cupped his hands around his mouth. "YO! Soul Society guys! Mind telling me where the hell I am?" Getting no answer, he continued on anyway, wandering the hallways aimlessly.

A shadowy figure watched his progress, grinning madly and wringing his hands. Ignore the fact that it would be difficult to see such actions when someone is in shadow, because they're still important. The figure decided to press a small red button, murmuring to itself as it did so. "Yessss…this specimen should do nicely…" The button was red because all diabolical buttons were red, and any that were any other color were only wannabes that wished they could be so diabolical. What's more, it was most certainly not a self-destruct switch, because while those may also be red, they are also very large and conveniently labeled for proper dramatic purposes.

Dante noticed a faint blue glow down one of the hallways. With no other options, he decided to follow it to its origin, with it getting brighter and brighter as he proceeded.

He finally came upon a room with a rather large computer screen. It was glowing a light-blue color, with the kanji for "Loading Experiment Procedure" displayed in the center, which, as previously established, he wouldn't know. All he knew was that it was big and glowing. And having extensive experience with large glowing objects in the past, there was only one course of action left for Dante.

He drew Rebellion off his back, singing to himself as he strode towards the monitor. "Bring the feeble from thy tomb…sporadic doom as knights move…" He cracked his neck, twirling Rebellion absently. "Does clergy support this passion?…" He gripped his weapon with both hands, an action which if narrated could have been interpreted as Freudian. "The wrath of the winged assassin!"

Unfortunately, as he was just about to swing downward, a solid wall of glass rose around him. A very reedy voice came over a loudspeaker hidden somewhere at his feet. "Welcome! What a marvelous coincidence this is; I was just about to start my newest experiment, and you've kindly provided me with the perfect specimen! I must admit, I didn't expect it to go so smoothly." Rolling his eyes, Dante slashed downward, only for Rebellion to glance off the glass wall. "It's useless, Devil Hunter. I've created that material to withstand your amazing strength."

"Oh, yeah? And how is that?" Dante challenged. "How'd you make glass so strong it can handle me?"

"Because I said so. Now…let it begin!" The computer screen began to beep wildly, with an ominous message flashing across in English. Why? Who knows! But in any event, the message read the following:

"Initiating Sacrifice."

Dante blinked. Granted, it wasn't the first time someone had tried to sacrifice him for something; that old fart from Fortuna came to mind especially. In fact, by now it had almost become funny, that they thought it would work. "So what are you trying to summon, anyway? I've probably killed about half of what's on your list of options; hell, is there anyone left?" He ticked them off his fingers. "Berial, shot in the face; Phantom, impaled on a statue; Nightmare, melted…or sacrificed, I guess, which is ironic when you think about it; Dagon, cut in half; Dagon's entire family, shot, sliced, and blown up with about forty missiles; Cerberus, decapitated three times and turned into ice-chucks; Mundus, stabbed several hundred times, shot in the face about a thousand, and sealed away as a pile of blood, muscle, and eyeballs; Agni and Rudra, work for me now, even if they never do shut up…Echidna, shot in the face…man, was I that unoriginal to repeat one? I must have just not cared at that point…"

He shrugged, continuing. "Griffon, impaled on a stadium…or the stadium was impaled on it, maybe?" He doubled back, dropping fingers for the count now. "Nevan, turned into an electric guitar that I like to play with every now and then; Beowulf…well, Vergil killed him, but I've got the gloves; Phantom again, shattered like glass after I stabbed him a bunch; Bolverk, stabbed a bunch and then melted…like…"

He blinked. Where did those last two come from? He did fight Phantom more than once, but he hadn't killed him twice. And who the hell was Bolverk?

Am I drinking too much, or not enough?

But as worthy as that philosophical question was, he wasn't allowed to think on it. "Be that as it may, I have a different being in mind. We've heard tales from the human world about an all-encompassing, amazingly powerful being. They show fear of its power, and yet it rules them anyway. This thing grows stronger as it continues to survive, and is untamable by most humans. And it is said that it can grant power, but too much knowledge of it can cause insanity."

Dante blinked. "Yog-Sothoth?" That's the name in those old bedtime stories Dad used to tell when I was a kid, anyway. Of course, he said they were made up by a human author, but does this guy actually intend to summon it?

The voice frowned. Somehow. "That is not the name we have heard used. A different language's interpretation, perhaps. But no. This being was called something else when we heard tales of its existence."

Mayuri (not that there was any other option) smiled, raising his voice. "Come forth…'INTERNET'!"

And as a bright and terrible light engulfed Dante, he began to get a nasty feeling of déjà vu…

"Dante, wake your ass up!"

He did so, whipping his head around in shock. Everything seemed normal… "…The hell happened?"

Lady frowned. "That's what I'd like to know. Look over there."

He looked where she pointed. "…Vergil?" What the hell is HE doing here? He slowly walked toward his brother, unsure if he was real or not.

"Uh, I wouldn't do that…" Lady warned.

He ignored her. "Vergil…what's going on?"

Vergil clenched his fist. "I…am the Quantum Ranger!"

Dante blinked. "What."

"QUANTUM POWER!" he yelled, stabbing Dante in the chest with Force Edge so that he was forced to the ground.

Lady sighed. "Yeah…about that. He's done that to everyone that comes near him."

Dante frowned. "How many other people have tried?"

"Just me," Nero said, walking up behind Lady. But…he was dressed very oddly. He wore black spandex with white diamonds and an animal symbol on the chest, and carried a helmet that seemed to have a mouth plate in the actual shape of a mouth.

"…What the hell are you wearing?"

He shrugged. "How should I know? After whatever happened to you, I was like this."

"And it's not just him and Vergil," Lady supplied. "Everyone and everything has been acting strange."

"…Like?" Dante asked, pulling Force Edge from his chest and quickly scooting away from the crazy version (crazy Verg-ion?) of Vergil.

They didn't answer, but there was no need to. Ichigo strode up behind him, one of his eyes purple and having an odd glowing symbol within it, and his hair dyed silver.

Dante blinked. "Please tell me…"

Lady shook her head. "No. It's not a cosplay."

"Damn...I think. What's a cosplay, again?"

Ichigo stared at him. And stared. And stared. "…Persona!" he shouted, crushing a blue card that materialized out of thin air with his bare hand. With that, what seemed to be a giant phallus riding a golden chariot materialized behind him.

Before Dante could gape in surprise, he saw Ikkaku running towards Ichigo. Ikkaku was wearing some sort of red cloak and white gloves, with a dark baseball cap on. "Check this out!" he yelled, coming to a stop and pointing a silver-colored gun at his own head.

BANG! With that, a winged figure materialized behind him and launched a ball of fire at the…thing that Ichigo had conjured.

And before that could register, a Soul Reaper girl wearing funky headphones, a red headband, and with her hair dyed silver as well but put into pigtails (how Dante knew it was dyed is a long story) ran up. "I need your halp!" she shouted, and some sort of warrior with a massive shield appeared behind her as well.

But Izuru Kira suddenly appeared, wearing a weird horned helmet with a stocking hat draped over one of the horns and a police cap over the other, as well as wearing a red overcoat. He pointed a gun at his head like Ikkaku had done, and another odd being rose up behind him as well. This one promptly started slapping the figure Ikkaku had summoned, which was followed in kind by Ikkaku's and Ichigo's spirit-things. While the three of them slapped each other, a mouth opened up near the top of the green phallic creature, and roared as green tentacles and razor-sharp blades-

By this time, Dante just said "Screw it," grabbed Lady and Nero, and ran full bore before any more weirdness could find them.

"You can't escape it, you know," Lady remarked, seemingly reading his mind. "This kind of thing is happening everywhere. Heck, Uryu and Orihime keep switching between so many different things, it's kind of scary."

"…What about Rukia?" Dante asked, worried.

"There's so many copies of her that-yep, there's one now. Just keep moving, she won't notice you." They sped past the clone of Rukia, wearing a skimpy blue outfit and whacking random Soul Reapers with a flute. "But anyway, there's so many copies of her that about half started a mob to raid every single stuffed animal in existence." She paused. "…We're not sure whether or not they might actually succeed. The only one of them that hasn't gone crazy is currently trying to negotiate with them to calm them down."

"How do we know which one she is?"

"She's…pink. Really, really pink."

Dante gulped. He was almost afraid to keep asking. "…Kyrie?"

"Same as Orihime," Nero said, sighing. "She's…cooking right now, though, so she shouldn't bother us."

"What's she cooking?"

"…Not sure, but some of the ingredients were donuts, ramen, engine oil, rhubarb, copper wire, oranges, pepperoni, fish, and hair."

"…The HELL?

They were stopped abruptly when they came across Captain Hitsugaya. Though…he had purple skin, and the number 69 (which Dante snickered at) tattooed on the left side of his face. Well, might as well figure out how to get out of this mess. "You're Hitsugaya, righ-"

"CAPTAIN Hitsugaya," the young Captain interrupted, scowling.

Dante rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah? Well, fine, I don't really wanna talk to you, anyway. Where's that hot lieutenant of yours? I like her better."

Lady frowned. "Have you even met his lieutenant yet?"

Hitsugaya poi- (Captain Hitsugaya)…Captain Hitsugaya pointed over Lady's head. They all turned to look.

Nero sighed. "…That's a pair of giant breasts floating on the horizon, isn't it?" Without looking, he reached over to slap Dante, who had been drooling in a stupor.

"Afraid so," CAPTAIN Hitsugaya sighed. "Do any of you know what…" He paused, sneezing. A near-identical duplicate popped into existence behind him, wearing a white suit, having blonde hair, and holding a shotgun. Shrugging, the double walked away. "…Anyway, do any of you know what happened here?"

Dante sighed. "Sorta. Do you Soul Society guys happen to have a mad scientist around here somewhere?"

Captain Hitsugaya nodded. "That's gotta be Mayuri. He's the Captain of…" He sneezed again. Another duplicate appeared out of thin air, but this one had pupil-less eyes and long dark hair held back by a headband with a metal plate on it, and wore odd blue sandals. Rolling its eyes, the double walked away. "…The captain of Squad Twelve. You'll need to head to the Squad Twelve headquarters if you want to confront him."

"And that's…where?"

Captain Hitsugaya pointed to the east. An ominous-looking castle loomed, with diabolical music randomly playing out of nowhere.

"…Gotcha. Thanks."

"Yes. Would you mind hurrying, though? Those sneezes have been going on for the past hour, and are getting rather painful."

As they approached the castle doors, they ran across another Rukia clone. This one had purple hair, glasses, and was wearing what seemed to be a schoolgirl outfit with a brown cardigan.

"Let me handle this," Nero sighed, stepping forward. His hair suddenly turned brown and slightly spiky. "Look, we don't want any trouble here," he said in a silky voice, "We just want to get by."

"I cannot let you do that," the clone responded, its voice flat. "We must procure all fluffy and cuddly animals. Dissenters shall be summarily dealt with. Do you wish to have any further noncompliance?"

Brown-haired Nero sighed. "Fine, but I didn't want to have to do this…" His hair turned…

Orange? Did he just turn into Ichigo?

"Ban…kai!" With that, Ichigo's bankai sword appeared in Nero's hand. He held it up. "See the guard on this? What do you think about that?"

"Calculating input. Unmistakable. Data overwhelming. You are…a secret!Nazi." Both of them began to spasm wildly as a peppy German tune appeared out of thin air. Caress mein tag, or…something?

"Now's our chance! Come on!" Lady shouted, dragging Dante into the castle as the air began to flash bright colors.

As soon as the doors closed behind them, Lady sighed. "…There. Now that you've made it here…I can't hold it together anymore. I'm going to start acting just like them."

Dante blinked. "What? But-"

"Go," she said evenly, even as parts of her clothing began to change color. "Before it spreads to you, too."

"But…Lady…"

"GO!" she shouted, her hair beginning to grow longer and more pink as horns began to form on her head.

Dante, being the hero that he was, bolted.

Dante skidded to a halt outside a lab room. Looking inside, he saw a lot of blinking lights and terminals, with a giant metal overhead door in the middle of everything. "Ooookayyy…this looks different…"

Suddenly, thunder crashed dramatically as the diabolic music kicked in again. "Gentleman…behold! I have broken the space-time continuum beyond repair! MUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

The voice was coming from a man who seemed to be wearing odd makeup, had hair that switched between blue and white every two seconds, and had his head covered with a glass canister (topped with a sideways pointy hat). He wore a purple outfit, with a yellow "W" above it. Dante could see the man's chest; it was flabby and not covered in makeup.

"…So yeah, mind changing everything back now?" Dante tried.

A girl wearing odd glasses and with pointy red hair sighed. "I've tried. It's pointless," she said in a nasal (and yet, oddly soft) tone.

"EXACTLY! Now, Steve…release the GRASSHOPPERS! AH-HAHAHAHA!"

She sighed. "I'm Nemu, too. And we don't have any grasshoppers."

The man blinked. … "Oh, uh…well…HEY!" He grinned at Dante. "How would you like a VITAMIN SHOT? MUHUHAHAHAHA!" He held up a syringe full of glowing white liquid labeled "Bleach".

"Psst…hey, um…mind showing me where the computer was that summoned the Internet?" Dante whispered to Steve/Nemu.

"There," he/she said, pointing.

"Thanks so much," Dante said, grinning. "Later." He drew Ebony, blasting five holes in said computer. Why five? Well, it was a nice, even number.

With the computer's destruction, the air began to warp around them. A large vortex opened in the middle of the room, sucking up Steve/Nemu and most of the equipment and continuing to pull everything into itself.

"No; Steve! Oh, DAMMIIIIIIIITTT…" the weird doctor yelled as he was sucked into the vortex as well. And try as he might to resist, even with his strength, Dante ended up following as well.

And then he saw blackness.

Which was followed by his eyes flying open. He shook his head, sitting up in one of the Squad Four cots that had been provided as accommodations. With a disgusted expression, he pulled out the recently opened bottle of whiskey and chucked it out the door as hard as he could.

…And a moment after having done so, he raced after it. What else was he supposed to do for the next few days?

As he ran past Captain Unohana, she stared after him in curiosity. She shrugged, turning away as her hair became bright green and her robes turned pure white, developing straps all over it. She smiled to herself as a pizza appeared out of thin air, and began eating it as the sounds of Dante screeching to a halt and reversing directions rang out.

Winner: RANDOMNESS! (or Internet, depending on the title)

I...really don't know what I was thinking with this one. But staying up for two solid days does odd things to a person, I suppose. Well, if any of you can attempt to make sense of this, read and review?

Also, this probably would have been more appropriate if the release date had been 4-04. ;-p