A/N: I did absolutely nothing productive today, so I figured that that meant I had no excuse not to write the next update (even though it's approaching bedtime now...). In other random news, while I'm writing these chapters, I think and read in my normal (extremely) Canadian accent. When I re-read the chapters for continuity, consistency, and ideas, I read in a British accent. How about that? Too much Harry Potter and Doctor Who, that's what!

Warning: abuse, swearing, reference to suicidal thoughts and self harm, sibling bonding

My Light

November 2009

Lenalee was beginning to feel a little left out. Well, beginning might not be the right word. For a while, she had noticed her brother spending more time watching Allen and talking with him. She knew that her brother was accompanying Allen places, but she didn't know where or why. In some ways, she might have been a little jealous of the attention that Allen was receiving, but she knew that the reason behind all of it couldn't have been very pleasant. Whatever the final reason, Lenalee decided that she wanted to know why Allen had been acting so strangely lately, why her brother was spending so much time with Allen and worrying about him, and she desperately wanted Komui to finally tell her about what happened to her parents.

For the first, Allen is her friend. He would always be her friend. There would be absolutely no way around that, even if he would try to wriggle his way out of it. For the second, Komui is her older bother. It's natural to feel jealous when his attention is directed elsewhere, especially since he is also a pseudo-parent in her eyes. It's irrational and she makes sure that she doesn't let it get to her, but it's still there.

More than anything else, she wanted Komui to admit to the third so that they could go back to the open and trusting relationship that she had always thought they had had. She wanted to be able to tell her brother that he was forgiven and that she would rather have him than to know her parents any day. She wanted him to be able to look at her without feeling slightly guilty for what he feels he has taken from her. She wanted him to know that he has her love no matter what. She wanted her older brother to be able to feel and act like a normal man his age.

This Saturday coming up was the 28th of the month, and it would be a good time to ask him to finally tell her. She knew that the only plans he had were for Friday evening with Allen to go who knows where and do who knows what. She had plans with Miranda that evening, so Komui naturally would have plans with Allen that evening. He thought he was being so inconspicuous, but it really wasn't hard to catch. Not after living with his overprotective ways for all these years.

Besides, she needed to talk to Allen too, but that could wait until the next week. Before trying to get Allen to talk about whatever was causing him to act so strangely for the past month, Lenalee figured it would be a good idea to talk to Krory first. There was no way she was going to ask Krory what was wrong with Allen, that would be extremely rude and insensitive, but she did want to know if there was anything in particular that she should do to help him feel more at ease, or if there were any topics that she should try to avoid (if Krory could even tell her that much information). She only wanted to make sure that all of her friends and family were happy. To Lenalee, the people who surround her are her world. If one of those people is hurting, it feels as though her world is cracking and splintering along with the person in question.

Maybe it seems selfish to want to help someone because her own world would break too, but does it matter when both her and the other person are helped in the end?

With that thought, Lenalee left for class feeling determined to have good meaningful chats with at least two of the young men in her family/friend group before the weekend had passed.

Krory, as it turned out, was reasonably easy to talk to, even if she didn't learn much. She just had to pull him aside at lunch and ask.

"What is it you wanted to talk about, Lenalee?" Krory asked, genuinely curious. He had honestly no idea what Lenalee wanted with him.

"I want to know about Allen." Krory opened his mouth to speak, but Lenalee cut him off, "Wait! I mean, I know you can't share anything personal, but I want to know if there's anything I can do to make him feel better, even without knowing all about what's going on." She spoke quickly, betraying her worry.

Krory had to pause to think for a moment. He seemed to pale slightly while processing, "It's... I don't know if I can even talk about it. It's too soon. Just... be nice to him, and don't prod too much. Treat him like you treat your brother. And maybe the occasional hug or something? Actually... Maybe leave the physical contact until next week. That might work out a little better."

Lenalee tilted her head in confusion, "Why next week?"

"Just..." Krory had to look down at his feet. "It's too soon."

The older male stalked off quickly after that. Clearly, this conversation was over. It only served to increase Lenalee's worries, and make her more determined than ever to get answers from her own brother. Krory had said to treat Allen like she treats Komui. Did the two of them have something in common? After eavesdropping that one night last year, Lenalee knew at least some of what her brother had suffered. Enough to get a general idea of what his life was like growing up. With Allen, all she knew was that he had an adoptive father named Mana, who he loved very much. When Mana died, Allen was heartbroken. Other than that, she knew absolutely nothing about what he's been through, other than that it must have been really bad.

It wouldn't be fair to anyone if she were to start making assumptions and acting on them, but she still wouldn't be too surprised if she found out that Allen had suffered in the same way that her brother had at some point in his life. That was something that she would have to ask Allen, though. Eventually.

Saturday couldn't have arrived any sooner, at least in Lenalee's opinion. She slept in a little later than normal, since she didn't have to work today, but that didn't mean that she had to wait any longer to talk to her brother. The day was young. What better time for what was sure to be a dark conversation than while the sun was still high in the sky?

As she walked to the kitchen, determined to catch her brother before he could run off for the day with some half-formed excuse, she heard him speaking on the phone.

"-making sure that he had made an appointment with you. I know how bad he can be with this sort of thing, and I fully expect him to avoid the follow-up completely." Silence. "Yes, I see. Next time I see him, I'll check his availability, and call you to arrange a time." Silence again. "No, I can't just show up! That would be- Fine. Thank you so- uh, of course I'm not avoiding you. It's just been so busy these last four weeks, you know- Yes I know that's a weak excuse. Haaaaa. How does tomorrow afternoon sound then? Great. See you at one o'clock, Mr. Chang." I told you to call me- Just before Komui hung up the phone, Lenalee swore she heard the other voice shouting back at her brother.

"And now that my nosey little sister is finally awake, I should probably ask her about her breakfast plans, hm?" Komui asked, letting the sass drip into his tone.

Lenalee peeked out from behind the wall. "Sorry. I know it's rude to eavesdrop, but I didn't want to interrupt you."

Komui waved a hand dismissively. "It's fine, no harm done. I was just talking to an old friend. Remember Mr. Chang?"

"Yeah, stayed at his place for a while about ten years ago. I don't remember then too well, but I remember thinking that Edgar and Twi were really nice people." Lenalee commented. Maybe this wasn't the best time to talk to her brother, if the Chang's were already stressing him. She knew that her brother felt guilty for living with them for so long, but he didn't really have much of a choice at the time.

"Yes. Them. Well, the two of them are going to be coming over tomorrow afternoon for tea. It should be nice to catch up and see them again." Komui was putting on a smile, but Lenalee knew that he was terrified. She couldn't really understand why, but she figured it probably had something to do with how he felt after the whole "situation" with their parents.

She was even more unsure about whether talking to her brother now was a good idea, but she had already committed to doing it today. She wouldn't back down because putting it off just makes it less likely to get done. And it had to happen at some point. She loved her brother too much not to ask him to open up.

"That should be nice." was the only response that Lenalee could think to give. She smiled back at her brother, trying to reassure him. The next... whatever amount of time wasn't going to be fun for either of them.

After a brief awkward silence, Komui jumped right back in with his "normal" silly attitude. "So, breakfast. I can make pancakes or waffles or eggs or cereal or any combination you like! I know, I can put the cereal in the pancakes and shape them like hearts to show just how much I love my little sister!"

Lenalee felt a pang of guilt, hearing her brother act this way when he clearly wasn't fine. "Actually, whatever you like will be fine. Pick your favourite!" Her smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

Komui stopped and looked at his sister. Something was definitely wrong. His big brother senses could feel it. That, and this was extremely unusual behaviour. Normally she'd complain about his attempts to smother her with love. She never just accepted it unless she was really upset or bothered by something.

There were no second thoughts. Komui was by her side in an instant. "Lenalee, tell me what's wrong."

Lenalee could hear the concern in his voice, and she knew how much he cared about her. That's why this was going to hurt to say.

"K-Komui? I really need to talk to you. It's very important."

The reply was instantaneous, and far too expected. "Of course! I'll always be here to listen to you, no matter what!"

"Thanks, but it's not something that you're going to want to hear." Lenalee stared at the ground, tears starting to prick her eyes. She had to be strong and do this. It was far psat time to repay her brother and protect him for once.

Komui's face turned almost murderous. "If someone got you pregnant, then I am going to have to build an entirely new line of Komurin's to deal with him for good."

"N-No! Nothing like that, I swear!" Lenalee put he hands up in a placating manner. She pretended not to notice the very slight flinch that her brother gave when she lifeted her hands. He'd have time to explain that himself later. "It's just... I wanted to talk to you... about you... and our parents."

"They loved you very much Lenalee, and when you were in Kindergarten, they died. They never stopped loving you until the very end. Everything they did was for you. Why do you need to know more?" Komui said sadly.

"Because I'm almost sixteen, and I know that there are some things about them that you have never told me and that it's slowly hurting you from the inside. I don't remember our parents, so I can't really bring myself to care about what they did or didn't do for me. I just want to help you because you're my big brother and you're always there for me and I can never seem to return the favour and be there for you. I just want you to be happy and not have to lie all the time." Lenalee sobbed. Some time during the rant, she had started crying.

It almost felt like blackmail, but Lenalee couldn't feel too guilty about the tears. Not if it made her brother finally talk to her.

Komui was silent for a moment before he spoke. "How about we talk about this over tea after breakfast. I... need to collect my thoughts."

"Okay." Lenalee smiled for real this time. Even through her tears, Komui could tell that his younger sister was extremely happy. Did it really mean so much to her? Did he really mean so much to her? He really needed some time to think about this. How much was he going to tell her? How much did she want to hear?

Komui sighed and pulled out the pancake mix. Pancakes would take longer than anything else to make, and give him more time to collect his thoughts.

Breakfast was cooked and eaten in silence. Preparing the tea wasn't much better. Komui asked Lenalee to get out the tea table and set up the pillow while he brewed. Lenalee obediently walked over to their living room and pulled out their special tea table and cushions from the closet. Although their family had lived in North America for a few generations, the Asian ways of sitting and enjoying tea still appealed to both of them. It almost felt a little more personal. It would feel wrong to have such a serious conversation with a normal table and chairs.

After a few minutes, Komui came to join Lenalee with a hot pot of green tea and two small-ish mugs. One was green and black, the other was white and blue. Despite always being portrayed as the innocent and happy person while Komui was the darker person, Lenalee was always drawn to the darker colours while Komui preferred the lighter ones. These two mugs were never used by the other person.

Komui sat down opposite Lenalee and filled her mug with tea before filling his own. He blew a few puffs of air over his beverage and took a few sips. Lenalee could only assume that he was trying to steady his nerves.

"So." Komui interrupted her thoughts. Lenalee startled a little, but kept her gaze on her brother. "I guess this has been coming for a while. What is it you'd like to know?"

Lenalee felt a little guilty, since she already knew what he was going to tell her and so knew what questions to ask. Even so, she couldn't feel too guilty, because her brother was intentionally leaving the discussion very open, such that if she didn't already have ideas about what was going on, she might never stumble across the right questions.

That sneaky little-

But she couldn't really blame him. She wouldn't want to talk about it either. "There are only a couple of things that I can think of right now that need explaining, since I don't really know much in the first place..." Lenalee trailed off. This was going to be difficult. "First, I'd just like to know about you. How did you like them, and how did they treat you? You always say how they loved me, but you never say anything about yourself, or how you loved them too. It worries me because I don't want to think that they were mean to you and that you were suffering that burden alone all this time."

Komui looked grave. He had not been expecting her suspicions, it seemed. Before he could start talking, she needed to say one more thing.

"Please be honest with me brother. Because no matter what, I care about you, and not come memory of people that I apparently knew. There is absolutely nothing you can say that will make me stop thinking of you as the world's best brother and knowing that I love you. And I am most definitely able to handle it."

Komui sighed. "Just... give me a moment."

He sipped his tea a few more times, and hardly looked away from his mug. He was psyching himself up for it, and it seemed to be hurting him. As much as Lenalee wanted to reassure him, touch him, or otherwise back down to make him feel better, she knew that this hurt was worth it and that her touch would probably not be welcome at the moment.

Komui breathed deeply before he began. "I hated our parents. Our relationship wasn't complicated. They hated me from the moment I was born, so I learned to hate them as I grew up. It was almost sick, in a way, especially when I was a kid. Children think of their parents as gods, essentially. Always trying to impress, and always doing everything possible to please them, even if it hurt.

"They only ever wanted a daughter. Or daughters. I'm not really sure. Because I was born with a Y-chromosome, I was their worst failure. If I couldn't be the girl that they wanted, I had to be the best at everything else. I suppose it was luck that I was naturally bright and could generally almost keep up with their expectations. When I didn't, no matter how unfair the expectation, I would be punished.

"I would always think that it was my fault because that's what they had told me. As a kid, who was I to question what was essentially the ultimate authority in my life. They were parents, so they must be right."

Komui had to stop and breathe again. He took a long sip of tea before continuing.

"The punishments, I later learned, were entirely unacceptable and illegal. The would have been in jail for a long time, had they been caught. It wasn't until I was nearly a teenager that I realized how wrong they were, but I couldn't say anything. At that point, telling would have had repercussions on more than just them and me. You were just born, and I could see how much they loved you. They wouldn't ruin your life like they had mine, so I couldn't bring myself to ruin yours either."

Komui put his mug down and stood up. "I need a moment."

The elder walked over to the kitchen and leaned against a wall, face in his hands. He needed to calm himself down before continuing that conversation. Yes, he'd talked to Allen before, but this was his sister. He had never wanted her to know, and now it was killing him. If he loved her, though, he knew that he had to be honest and tell her the truth. Maybe not the whole truth, but the truth.

After a few minutes of deep breathing, he had calmed down enough to go back and continue, Lenalee sat patiently waiting for him, holding a topped up mug of tea in her hands. It must have happened when he wasn't looking, but when did her hands get large enough to wrap all the way around the cup? How long has she been a young woman and not just a little girl?

Komui sat down and continued as if he hadn't needed to leave.

"They... would hit me, among other things, for just about any reason they could think of. If there wasn't any reason to punish me, then they would just make one up. I dealt with it for another four years or so until they died.

"I'm not going to lie to you if you continue asking questions, but the story doesn't get any nicer from here." Komui took another mouthful of tea. He couldn't bring himself to look at his sister at the moment.

After a minute or two of silence, Lenalee seemed to understand that he had finished talking. He had answered her questions, but nothing more. Now she knew how he was going to play this game.

She cleared her throat before continuing. Her voice felt thick after hearing all of that, but she couldn't cry yet. There was worse to come. "Will you now tell me about how they died?"

"Only if you absolutely want to know. This is the one question I'm most afraid to answer." Komui stated. He looked distant, like he wasn't really connected with himself. A defence mechanism, maybe? She knew that accidentally killing someone would have to be traumatic.

There was only one answer that she could give. "No matter what, you're my brother and I love you. Nothing you have ever done or will do could ever change how much I care about you."

At those words, her older brother started to cry. He had always been so stoic or silly, never sad or angry. Now he was crying, and Lenalee couldn't help but feel her heart break at the sight. She put her mug on the table. "Komui..." she started softly, "may I hold your hand?"

After another moment of silent tears, Komui was able to speak. "I... I don't think that's a good idea... I... don't know..."

Lenalee slowly picked up her mug again and patiently watched her brother. He had never denied her any sort of physical contact before. It must be really serious if he's saying no to her now. As softly as she could she whispered, "Okay."

It was quick, but she could see the relief flash through his eyes before disappearing into sadness again.

"Then I should warn you that you might not like me so much after this." Komui said grimly, as if he were walking to his execution. Hadn't she just told him that she would love him no matter what? Could he really feel so bad about himself that he didn't believe her...?

Lenalee could only nod towards him. Anything else she told him would be meaningless right now. She could comfort him after.

"It was a normal enough day. They were unhappy that I had not scored as well as they would have liked on a science test. I'm pretty sure it was a science test. Don't remember which one, though... I'll... get to that... When I came home, they just sent me to my room after telling me how stupid and worthless I am. Hahh... But that wasn't what really got me that night. Two other things happened that they hadn't done before. First, they told you to never play with me again and to keep away from me. That my 'badness' would affect your 'goodness' or some stupid shit like that. Well, they were trying to explain to a four-year-old how to hurt her older brother.

Lenalee's eyes widened slightly. Komui must really be upset about the whole thing. He never swears. At least, never in front of her.

"After you went to bed, they punched me in the face and knocked me down the stairs. I think. My memories are very fuzzy, but they were probably trying to make it look like an accident. Tripping down the stairs, or something. They wanted to kill me.

"A-And when I woke up, I saw him with a knife and her with a rope and they were talking about teenagers and suicide and they were coming towards me so I panicked and she fell down the stairs and the knife hit his throat and there was blood on everything and you woke up and I had to get new clothes and I carried you to the Chang's.

"I don't remember much from the next week until I went back to clean up the house and – to the best of my teenage knowledge – make their deaths look like a car accident. I know it didn't work, but the authorities never looked into it, probably because we were both minors. We stayed with the Chang's until I finished high school and got a job there."

Komui took a few shaky breaths before lifting his near-empty cup of tea to his mouth with a lightly trembling hand. When he set it down again, Lenalee quietly refilled it. He was grateful.

"I killed our parents." Komui stated, much too calmly. For all he was shaking, he still wasn't completely himself or in contact with his emotions. "I would understand if you hate me and never want to associate with me or talk to me again after hearing how I killed the ones that loved you."

Lenalee paused for a moment. How could her brother think that? She looked at her brother's face, but he couldn't meet her eyes. They both had tears on their cheeks. "You're my brother. Nothing you have ever done and nothing you will ever do can change how much I care about you. I love you, and I'm happy that you didn't have to live with them any longer."

Komui's face broke. He placed his head in his arms on the table and sobbed. After about eleven years, he was finally starting to let go.

As he cried, Lenalee quietly stood up and walked over to her brother, crouching next to him. She spoke as softly as she could so she wouldn't startle him. "Brother... I'm going to put my arm around your shoulder, okay? And then I'm going to sit down beside you." She talked through her actions to keep from scaring him. Once she had settled her arm around him, she gently pulled him closer, and he soaked up the contact. He must have really needed it, even if he wouldn't admit it.

She let him cry himself out, and just sat there letting him feel the comfort that she was only too willing to provide. If she couldn't do anything else, then she would at least do this for him.

When he quieted, Komui spoke to her in a raspy whisper. "Th-Thank you so much. You have no idea just how much those words – your words mean to me."

After a moment of quiet breathing, Lenalee had to interrupt the comfortable silence. The tea had since been forgotten while the siblings were crying together.

"If... it isn't too much to ask, I have only two more questions for you." Lenalee whispered. She didn't want to give away her own raspy voice too much.

"What could be worse than what I already had to say?" Komui asked defeatedly.

Lenalee looked a little weary. Now she was asking for information that she didn't already know, and she was a little scared. "It might be uncomfortable to answer this, but I wanted to know if you've ever been... um... depressed or wanted to do anything... at all... to yourself after everything that happened. And I wanted to know if Allen was the same as you."

Komui had to chuckle a little bit, though it was a dark sound. This was the easiest part of the conversation so far.

"You'll have to talk to Allen about his business. It's not my place to tell. As for myself, yeah, I was probably depressed. I hate myself more than anything, except maybe the two that fell by my hands. I never did try self harm or suicide, though I was very tempted sometimes. The Chang's would've had me in therapy faster than I could build a Komurin if they had ever had any proof of the severity of my mental instability. As it was, they wanted me to go to grief counselling anyways after the deaths of our parents, but I refused. Why would a murderer deserve peace of mind after killing someone? I also could bear the thought of leaving you to deal with my fallout. I couldn't hurt you by killing myself, nor could I explain any self-harm marks that you were sure to find eventually. You are my light Lenalee. You are what keeps me going when I think about how hopeless everything is." Komui had started crying again, and he didn't understand why. Why was telling his sister about this so... cathartic?

"I can see where you are coming from. Thank you for protecting me for so long." Lenalee gently pulled Komui's eyes to meet hers so that he could see her smile. "But I'm still worried about you, brother. Firstly, self defence in an abusive situation is not the same as murder. Maybe you killed them, but it wasn't your fault. You were probably concussed and scared most importantly, you got away. I am proud of you for that. I'm so proud that it hurts me when you use the present tense to talk about how you think you're worthless and pathetic and how much you hate yourself. Because I love you. I'm glad to be your light. It makes me happy. But you're my light too, and I don't want my light to go dark."

Komui grabbed Lenalee in a tight hug. She could barely make out the words he was whispering over his sobs.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

A/N: Well... That happened. GRAAAAH Ling breaks aren't working! Sorry it's been most of a year, but here it is. Back to Allen after this. Also, when Lenalee was talking to Krory, it was literally the next day after Allen and Krory had their heart-to-heart. Way too soon to be talking about that stuff for any of them.

Until next time,

-Shippo704