Nick stares blankly at Jess as she walks out of the kitchen. His every instinct is screaming at him to stop her, to scoop her up in his arms and carry her away to his room. He doesn't want to think about all this, about how she isn't ready for a relationship or how her father doesn't think that he's good enough or how his wife and daughter refuse to talk to him. When he's with Jess, all those other messes fade away. It's just him and her: the gleam of her smile, the taste of her lips, the warmth of her body pressed to his. Just sitting beside her can make the shittiest day a little brighter.
The thing is, Nick doesn't want to call it. He wasn't lying when he said he was in love with Jess, and the thought of giving up on her makes him sick to his stomach. But it hasn't even been two days and it already feels like the world is against them. First her dad and then Caroline and Abbi and then whatever else the world decides to throw at them. It makes him want to give up on everything else and stay locked away with her in her room. They'll lie in bed together wrapped around each other, an island of calm where none of these other complications can try to pull them apart.
He meant what he said earlier. He wishes this was easier. There were plenty of days where he wished he could fall out of love with her. All those days when he had to silently watch her date other guys who didn't care about her the way he did or when he knew that he was supposed to be moving on to someone else. But he loves Jess. He's fought against that feeling, but he can no longer run from that fact. That's what his entire life always seems to come back to. That's supposed to be the ultimate trump card, the thing that supersedes everything else. Is he just going to give up on this? He's wanted this for so long, and he's just gonna call it quits when they finally have a chance to be together for real?
But maybe this is what love really is. You do the hard math, the calculus of what your life could be like if you join it to someone else's, and sometimes you come up short. Love is letting someone go before things spiral out of control and you both end up hurting each other in irreparable ways. Maybe the idea of happiness can never live up to the reality.
So Nick does what he does best: he drinks to forget. He grabs a few beers from the fridge and retreats to his room to get blackout drunk. It'll numb the pain temporarily. He can pretend it's erasing all the memories of them together that he's strung together like a series of bad home movies. Their story wasn't meant to be a love story anyway. Like most love stories, it's really about loss. It's about losing the best thing that ever happened to you over and over again because you're too stupid to rescue yourself from choosing the wrong people to fall in love with and going down that same path at every single point of your life.
He knows it won't change anything. The next morning he'll wake up with a massive hangover and an empty bed and wonder why Jess isn't lying beside him. Then he'll remember that they broke up. Is it really a breakup if they were never dating? Living through it feels the same. Examining it doesn't make a damn bit of difference so he'll drink more alcohol to erase that too. Bottoms up, Nicky. No more thinking, only drinking.
Jess stakes out a spot on the couch and watches Dirty Dancing over and over again. She tries to wipe at her cheeks surrepitiously whenever he walks into the living room, but the red rims around her eyes, and the pile of crumpled up tissues beside the couch gives her away. Nick makes his way to the kitchen to root around for more liquor and politely pretends not to notice that she's been crying, even when he drops off another box of tissues for her on the coffee table.
"Allergies," Jess explains, her voice wavering as she looks up at him with tears already welling up in her eyes.
If this were a few weeks ago he would've immediately sat down beside her, pulled her into his arms, and then struggled to figure out something comforting to say. He would've said something dumb and grossly inelegant, but he knows it would have made her smile. He was still capable of that back then: making her happy. Nick's always liked this movie, as cheesy and ridiculous as he thinks it is. He's got half a mind to say fuck it and join her on the couch. Friends watch movies together all the time. Isn't that what they still are now? Fuck, maybe not even that. They can't even get back to that because he had to poke at the bear, open that damn door because for a millisecond he thought "more than friends" might work for them. Now they can't look at each other and pretend anymore. He would inevitably get distracted by the way Jess was curled up against him as his heart ached for more. Unlike all the times before, he knows exactly what it feels like to have her, but there isn't even the slightest bit of hope that it might happen.
"Yeah, me too," Nick agrees, his voice rough and his grip tight on the neck of his half-empty bottle of Jack.
He stalks back off to his room and tries to drown his failure in whiskey.
After about one and a half weeks they settle back into their usual groove, two friends who are attracted to each other and also kinda miserable about how they aren't actually together. There's a part of Nick that wishes they could go back in time, to way before this whole mess ever happened. Surely it'd be better for him to always wonder what could have been instead of living with the failure of letting Jess slip through his fingers. Whatever this is now, trying to pretend like nothing happened, it's just not sustainable. He's not sure what his next move is, because he can't spend the rest of his life drinking the pain away.
There's an annoying little voice in his head telling him to move out, that he should've done so a long time ago. Without Jess, it's not like there's any reason for him to really be here anymore. He decides to give himself another week to lick his wounds and vows to start looking at places starting on Friday. Then he'll have whatever's left of the month in the loft before he's gone for good. The guys probably won't be too happy about him up and leaving, but they'll get over it. They'll all make promises about staying in touch that Nick knows they won't actually keep. He's the kind of guy that people forget about. He's not the kind of guy to show up and wedge himself into whatever shenanigan is going on. He's never been that guy. He wouldn't be surprised if Schmidt, Winnie, and Jess have only included him in anything because he lives with them. It seems like the only reason people keep him around is sheer proximity. He's not somebody people chase, somebody other people care about keeping around once initial pleasantries have passed, and they get to know the real him. Once he's gone it'll only be a little while before they forget he was ever here at all.
The loft isn't all that big, and word spreads fast. It isn't long before Winston and Schmidt know about what happened with him and Jess. They both seem equal parts pissed off and sorry for him. He catches their looks of pity out of the corner of his eye, but whenever he starts to tell them off, they just give him the cold shoulder.
Nick walks in on Schmidt trying to coax Jess off the couch on Saturday night, his heart aches at the brief look of hurt that flashes in Jess' eyes when she sees him. Schmidt looks between the two of them, and then glares at Nick before pulling Jess up off the couch and dragging her down the hall towards the bathroom. A few hours later, Nick's sitting on the couch trying (and failing) to focus on paperwork when Schmidt leaves out the front door with Jess in tow, promising to be back late that night. He just stares blankly at the two of them, his eyes lingering on the door even after it shuts.
After a moment, Winston drops down onto the couch beside him and mutters, "Sucks, man," and then turns on the Bulls game. Nick thinks he's probably supposed to do something like bare his soul and pour out all his secrets, but he just stares down at his paperwork and focuses on trying to make out the scribbled-out notes in the margins while also pushing down that guilty feeling whenever Bob Day comes up in the record.
He's gotten nothing but radio silence from Caroline since their fight. If there's anything he's learned about her, it's that she needs space after a fight, time to cool off and collect her thoughts before she can compromise and come to an agreement with him. Whenever Nick tries to push her, she just shoves him away, and they just end up making the fight even worse. He'll give her another day or two, and then he'll make his apologies and things will go back to the way they used to be.
Once or twice he wonders if it was worth it, if the one good night that he had with Jess was worth his life falling apart all over again. If he had a chance to do it over now that he knows that they were doomed to fail, would he have given up on her?
Maybe he's an idiot, but he would still go through heartbreak all over again just for another week with Jess.
Nick still hasn't heard from Caroline by Sunday evening, but that doesn't stop him from constantly keeping his phone on hand, just in case she should happen to change her mind. He's sitting at the dining table, poking at his half-eaten dinner as he stares at his phone and waits for the call that he knows isn't going to come any time soon.
Jess is on her sixth rewatch of Dirty Dancing for the day. She's curled up on the couch with her back to him, both of them pretending like the other person isn't there. It sucks because Nick had been stupid enough to hold on to that hope that they could go back to the way they used to be, that they would be friends again, plain and simple, given enough time.
But apparently he's already in too deep. Jess seems to want nothing but space away from him. Nick misses her like he's missing a part of himself. She's become an integral part of his life, and not having her around makes him realize it even more. They've been apart for a little over a week but it feels like a lifetime without her, and there's nothing he wants more than to have her back.
This is what they agreed to, he reminds himself. They agreed that things weren't working between them, that it would never work between them. It was too difficult and too complicated and they both wanted different things for the future. He wants to intricately map out every possible scenario and backup plan, and Jess just wants to wing it. They're just fundamentally different people. It's better to realize that now than a year from now.
It's funny because the more Nick thinks about it, the more ridiculous it seems. He'd do anything for Jess, and if that meant unclenching a bit and loosening his strong-armed grip on his five-year plan, well he'd do it for her. She's his five-year plan. But it's too late to go back now. The time has passed for him to lay out a defense of them. He should have been ready then, and he knows you don't get to go back and fix the mistake, even when you finally find the right words. Jess doesn't want to be together, and he has to respect that, no matter what his heart says.
His phone rings, breaking him out of his thoughts. Nick distractedly looks at the screen, expecting it to be someone from the office or one of those scam telemarketer calls. But when he sees the name and photo on his screen, he nearly chokes on a bite of his sandwich and hastily hits Answer Call.
"Caroline?"
"Is this Nick?" an unfamiliar male voice says on the other line.
"Yes." Nick frowns. "Why? What's going on?"
"Hi, I'm an officer with the LA Police. I'm here with Caroline and she's asking for you-"
"An officer? What happened?" Nick asks again, panic rising in his chest. Jess' head pops up from behind the couch.
"Caroline was driving when a car collided with her and-"
Nick's brain whites out. "Is she okay? Where's Abbi? Is Abbi alright? Where are you?"
"Sir," the officer says, his voice eerily stoic. "Please remain calm."
"Is everyone okay?" Nick asks again, panic and fear clouding his thoughts and turning his head into a mess.
"Both Caroline and Abbi are out of the car and are being evaluated," the officer explains, and a rush of relief washes over Nick. "Emergency medical services is about to transport them to the emergency room-"
Nick stands up from the table and checks his pockets for his wallet. "Where are you? I can leave now and be there in-"
"Sir, you can meet them at the hospital-"
"Where are you?" Nick asks again, insistently.
The officer sighs and says, "The corner of Third and Main."
"I'm close. Really close. I can be there in a few minutes, please."
"If you're not, then you'll have to meet them at the hospital," the officer says before hanging up.
"What's going on?" Jess asks softly.
Nick's throat is tight, but he manages to force out a reply. "Car crash. Abbi and Caroline are hurt and-"
"Oh my God." The blood drains out of Jess' face. "I'll drive you."
His hands are shaking so hard he's afraid he might drop his keys, and he's still so shocked that he can't really hear or see anything too well right now. But he's fine, he doesn't need her to step in and do something he can do himself. It's not her family anyway. It's his responsibility to man up and deal with this, not hers. "Jess, you don't have to..."
"I'm going to," she insists. Jess jumps off the couch, grabs her bag from the bookshelf, and snatches the keys out of Nick's hand. He follows her out of the loft, still feeling like he's in a daze.
Nick is on edge during the whole ride. He can't really feel anything but the pounding of his heart and the rush of adrenaline coursing through his veins as he tries not to hyperventilate. All he can think of are those medical dramas Caroline always liked to watch, the gruesome sight of victims being pulled out of the decimated remains of cars, bleeding and unconscious. They only just got rid of Abbi's car seat one or two years ago, but maybe that was too soon. Was she sitting in the front? Was she wearing her seatbelt? Every worst-case scenario is running through his mind, and Nick can't seem to keep track of reality in the mix of it all.
"They're going to be fine," Jess says reassuringly, but her knuckles are white from the way she grips the steering wheel.
It's only a few minutes until they arrive, and there's a heavy weight that drops in Nick's stomach when he recognizes Caroline's mangled minivan on the side of the road. Jess pulls over, and Nick barely waits for the car to come to a complete stop before rushing out the door. He jogs up to the ambulance where he can see the familiar blonde hair of his ex wife as she argues with one of the paramedics.
"Ma'am, we have to take you and your daughter to the emergency room," the woman in the blue EMT uniform says sternly.
"No, I have to— Nick. I need Nick." Caroline is crying as she frantically looks around the crash site. "We can't leave without seeing him. He won't be able to find us. Please, I can't-"
"Nick can meet you at the hospital," the EMT explains, holding her hands up in an attempt to calm Caroline down. "You're in shock and possibly concussed. Both you and your daughter are in need of immediate medical attention."
"But— Nick— I—"
"I'm here!" Nick yells, out of breath as he closes the gap between him and the two women. "I'm Nick. Abbi's father."
"Nick!" Caroline turns to look at him, but then winces at the motion, her hand flying up to cradle her arm.
He fights back fear and does his best to smile at her. "Are you okay? Where's Abbi?"
"She's already in the truck," the EMT explains, guiding the now-compliant Caroline towards the open door in the back of the ambulance. "We can fit you in as well."
"Okay. Yes," Nick agrees without a second thought.
The EMTs help lift Caroline into the ambulance and Nick climbs in after her as they secure her in one of the seats. Nick hesitates slightly and turns to see Jess from his vantage point over the small crowd. He puts on a brave face and gives her a wave before the other EMT slams the door shut.
Abbi's strapped into a stretcher in the middle of the truck with a splint secured around her lower left arm, but she's still able to sit upright. The sight of her awake and breathing sends a wave of relief through Nick. She still seems in a daze, tears running down her face and pooling above the clear oxygen tube placed underneath her nose, her uneven breaths punctuated by hiccups.
"Hey, sweetheart," Nick says gently as he leans in towards her. "How are you feeling?"
"My arm hurts." Abbi's wavering voice is barely above a whisper, and it makes Nick's chest ache for her. She's his baby girl. The absolute last thing he wants is for her to be hurting in any way. He promised to protect her, to keep her safe from danger and everything scary in the world, and he can't help but feel like he failed her, even though he knows that rationally there was nothing he could've done.
"I know, honey. That's why we're going to the hospital." Every one of Nick's instincts is telling him to wrap his arms around her and squeeze her tight, but then the EMT gives him a stern look, so he balls his hands up into fists and does his best to hold himself back.
Abbi's eyes are watery, lips pulled down in a pout as she looks at her dad and whispers, "I'm sorry."
"What?" Nick's brow furrows. "Baby, no..."
"I was mean. I wanted to talk to you, but I was upset, and I'm sorry and-"
"Sweetheart, no. You don't have to..." He wants to hug her, desperately wants to, but he can't and it's killing him.
"It's okay, pumpkin." Caroline's eyes are sad, the same complicated look that's mirrored in her daughter's.
Nick thinks fuck it and grabs Abbi's hand in his. "You're okay. That's all that matters. We're all gonna be okay."
Caroline and Abbi get checked into the ER, and then are promptly escorted into an observation room, so the doctor can look them over and evaluate their injuries. Nick waits anxiously in the hallway, pacing back and forth with his hands shoved into his pockets. His mind is still spiraling, trying to prepare for the worst and painfully aware that he doesn't know how to cope with this helpless feeling in the pit of his chest.
There's a small commotion at the front desk, and it's loud enough to drag Nick out of his spiraling thoughts. He looks over to where a woman in sweatpants and a cardigan is arguing with the poor nurse on duty, and it only takes Nick a moment to recognize the insistent voice.
"No, I know what your policy is, but I'm fine. I'm here for my friend. His daughter and ex-wife were in a car crash. The Miller family. Please, I'll be in and out so fast. Please, would you just let me—"
"I'm sorry, but I can't just let you in without—"
"She's with me," Nick cuts in quickly, leaning over the desk.
Jess lights up, and then turns back to the nurse. "See!"
The nurse gives them an unimpressed look, rolls her eyes, and then waves Jess away. Nick can hear her muttering to herself about crazy-eyed girls, but he just ignores it and leads Jess down the hall.
"How are Abbi and Caroline?" she asks in a hushed whisper as they make their way toward the observation room.
"They're gonna be fine," Nick says, still only half-believing it himself. "Nurse gave 'em a once-over when we arrived. The doctor's with them now."
"Must've really shaken Abbi up," Jess says once they come to a stop. "She's still so young. I can't even imagine what she must be feeling."
"Yeah," Nick agrees distractedly as he stares at the closed door. He turns back to look at Jess, his mind slowly catching up and processing that she's here, in the hospital. "Wait, why are you here? I thought you went home."
"Well, I had to drop off your car, and I wanted to make sure Abbi was okay, and..." She hesitates, picking at her chipping nail polish before looking back up at him. "I couldn't let you do this on your own."
"Oh."
Nick stares at her for a moment, stunned. He hadn't expected that. The car part makes sense, even though it's far more than what he would expect from the average friend. But Jess has always been the type to go above and beyond for the people she cares about. Her checking on Abbi is a little bit beyond her reach, but the two are close enough that it still makes sense to him. But the fact that she's here for him makes his chest feel oddly tight, and some part of him whispers that she might still care about him more than she's letting on.
But before he has the chance to say anything else, the door of the observation room opens. The doctor leans her head out the door and asks, "Are you Nick Miller?"
"Yes." Nick blinks and tries to clear his head. "Yeah, that's me."
"We're ready for you." The doctor gestures for him to walk inside.
"I gotta go," he says unnecessarily to Jess.
She suddenly grabs his hand and gives it a quick squeeze. Nick looks at her in shock. He thought this was over, that he'd never get a chance to touch her like this again. But surely this is just a friendly gesture, a source of comfort from one friend to another. Right?
The doctor clears her throat, and Jess quickly drops his hand. He lets his gaze linger on her for another moment more before turning away from her and walking into the room.
Everything that happens next passes by in this weird blur. The doctor reads something off her clipboard, and Nick listens to it, but his head kinda blanks out after she says there's no sign of serious injury. He can viscerally feel the tension drain out of his shoulders, and he lets out a long exhale of a breath he can't remember holding.
A nurse comes in with a wheelchair to escort Abbi down the hall for an X-ray while the doctor calls in another nurse to help him pop Caroline's shoulder back into place. Caroline insists that she'll be fine, and then waves Nick off to go with Abbi.
"Well?" Jess asks nervously once Nick returns to the hallway. She walks alongside him as they try to keep up with the brisk pace of the nurse.
"Everyone's going to be fine," he says, and there's another wave of relief that floods through his body at the words. It's almost like he still can't believe it.
"Oh, that's great!" Jess cheers. She yanks on his arm to bring them to a sudden stop in the middle of the hallway. Then she pulls him into a hug, her arms tight around his neck as she keeps his head pressed into her shoulder.
Nick's arms reflexively wrap around her waist as he relaxes into her. She feels impossibly good against him. The sweet smell of her shampoo washes over him as Nick lets his eyes fall shut. He can't help but drag out the moment just a little longer, even though he knows they need to keep up with the nurse, and doesn't have the time to deal with his conflicting feelings about this moment. Nick sighs as he lets her go, reluctantly taking a step away from her as he drops his hands back down to his sides.
"C'mon," Jess says, and she grabs on to his wrist as they hurry to catch back up to the nurse.
Nick tries not to get too caught up in the casual gesture, and instead follows after her until they arrive at the small waiting room where they can see Abbi on the other side of the window. The X-ray technician looks up at them and gives Nick a nod as she continues with her work, talking to Abbi as she sets her arm up on the platform. Abbi looks so small in the vest that the technician straps onto her chest, her eyes wide as she listens to whatever the woman in the purple scrubs says. Nick manages to catch Abbi's attention and gives her a reassuring smile and a thumbs-up. Abbi smiles back, looking a little less nervous, even as the technician lowers an intimidating piece of equipment towards her arm.
"What did they think was wrong?" Jess asks softly as they watch the technician gently remove the splint on Abbi's arm.
"Doctor said it looked like a simple fracture, but he couldn't be sure until after he saw the X-ray." Nick looks through the window and shoves his hands back into his pockets. Jess lets go of his wrist; Nick hadn't even realized that she had still been holding on to him. Part of him wants to grab on to her hand again, but he knows not to push his luck. "Yeah, and Caroline popped her shoulder out of its socket. Plus, she's got some pretty rough bruising on her ribs, but the doctor said she should be completely fine in a few weeks."
"That's good," Jess says and turns to look at him. "I mean, not that they got hurt. But good that it's nothing really serious. Obviously I'd prefer if no one was hurt at all, but..."
Nick laughs. It's a welcome reprieve from the ridiculously stressful past few hours. He turns to smile at Jess. "Yeah. I gotcha."
There's one of those moments, the little pause where they both just take each other in. Short moments where it feels like they're on the precipice of something, where his heart stutters and his mind freezes up and all he can think about is Jess. But this isn't like those moments, because he knows that nothing is going to come from it. There's nothing between him and Jess, at least not anymore. That chapter of his life is over.
Caroline arrives a second later, breaking the tension that was between him and Jess. Her arm is resting in a large black sling to keep her shoulder still. "Is Abbi in there?" she asks before noticing Jess, and Nick cringes in anticipation of whatever argument or fight is about to unfold. "Oh, Jess. When did you get here?"
"I was just leaving," Jess says quickly. She fishes the keys out of her purse and passes them over to Nick.
"Jess, you don't have to go," Nick says as he takes the keys.
"You can stay if you'd like," Caroline agrees, to his surprise.
"No, I'm on my way out, really!" Jess insists, her voice overly friendly. "Just wanted to make sure everyone was alright and drop off Nick's car.
He frowns at her. "Wait, then how are you getting home?"
"I'll take an Uber. It's no big deal, really." Jess slings the strap of her purse on her shoulder. "Um, bye, Nick. Hope you feel better, Caroline."
Nick watches her go, and there's a little part in his heart that sinks in disappointment. He'd been happy to see her here. Jess never fails to calm him down, and just being around her helps him see things more clearly and breathe a little easier. Sure, things are still complicated between them, but they're still close friends, and friends support each other. And for a moment it almost felt like things were back to normal with them.
"Everything alright?" Caroline asks, and Nick nods absentmindedly.
"Yeah, it's fine."
Caroline doesn't look too convinced, but she doesn't push him on it. She sits down on one of the rickety plastic chairs in the hallway, and Nick joins her, staring across the hall as the technician pulls down a curtain to block the window.
"Funny how we always end up like this." Caroline fusses with the strap of her sling.
"We gotta stop meeting in the hospital," Nick chuckles. "Our insurance deductible is already too damn high."
She laughs, a genuine almost-snort that catches Nick by surprise. He can't remember the last time he heard Caroline laugh, except for that phony giggle she does when she's talking to people she wants to impress. It's nice. Real. Caroline does so much to make everything think she's got everything under perfect control at all times, but Nick always thought that it made her seem artificial. He likes this version of her: the authentic one she always tries to gloss over or hide away.
"They must have you on some pretty strong painkillers, huh?"
"Shut up," Caroline says with another laugh. She shoves him with her uninjured arm.
"Hey, I'm not the one high in a hospital," he teases, gently nudging her back. "This time."
Caroline laughs again, but this time she winces and clutches at her stomach. "Stop making me laugh. You're hurting my ribs.
Nick smiles at her, and then shrugs before settling back into his seat. They sit in silence for a few seconds. It's a companionable quiet, not the frosty, tense arguments he's used to having with her. They're in a good place, sometimes. Not all the time, but they have their friendly moments. It makes him tentatively optimistic about the future, that maybe ten years down the line they'll have this whole co-parenting thing figured out.
"Look," Caroline says softly. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you, especially in front of Abbi. I was being unreasonable and mean and kind of an asshole."
"Wow." Nick stares at her in shock. "They must have you on the really strong stuff, huh?"
Caroline glares at him. "Would you just shut up and take the apology?"
He raises his hands in surrender.
"It's just..." She hesitates for a moment before turning her gaze back down to her shoes. "I'm sorry. I wasn't in a good place then, last August, right when you left. And I just... I don't know what happened...if it was like, ten years of bottled-up feelings finally boiling over or... I don't know. I'm sorry."
Caroline lets out a defeated sigh as she drags the heel of her shoe across the linoleum floor. "And I was sitting there in the car after the accident happened, and Abbi was crying in the backseat, and I was thinking, Abbi. Is Abbi okay? And then I realized that, well, with the way things were between us on Friday-"
There's a sharp spike of hurt in his chest. "Caroline."
"I didn't—" Caroline sniffles and wipes at her nose. "I didn't want you to think she hated you. Or that I did. And if that had been my last moment, and if that had been the last time I saw you..."
"Don't talk like that," Nick says sternly. It hurts too much to even think about the possibility. That's not what happened. They're fine.
"I just..." Caroline looks at him, her eyes watering and her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry. I was awful to you and Abbi and... I'm sorry."
Nick looks at her seriously. This isn't the pills or mild concussion talking. Caroline doesn't make this kind of thing up. She's never been good at expressing her feelings, so on the rare occasion that she does, it means a lot coming from her. "I forgive you."
Caroline smiles at him, her eyes tired. This whole ordeal is tough on both of them, even if it feels one-sided at times. It's best for everyone when they're getting along. "And at the wedding, I was upset that you weren't home, and I was upset at myself for making you leave, and Abbi was upset, and it was all just a mess. So I was miserable, and I went to the wedding because I thought I might see you again, but then you were there with Jess."
"I know." Nick frowns down at his hands. "I... I didn't want to go alone. And Jess... she made things feel less complicated. But I swear, nothing had happened between us yet."
She sighs. "I know. I believe you."
"Caroline, I didn't... I never wanted to hurt you or lie to you." He turns back towards her, trying to convey the sincerity of his words. "But I... I didn't know how to tell you, and it seemed easier to just... not bring it up."
"I guess you were right not to tell me." Caroline frowns remorsefully. "I can't say that I took it too well."
Nick wrings his hands together. "I couldn't think of the right way to do it. They all seemed terrible."
Caroline nods in understanding. "I was just a mess back then. I felt scared and vulnerable and miserable. There was this little voice in my head that said you two were together, that she was the reason you drifted away. It was easier to put the blame on her than me, I guess." She picks at the Velcro strap of her sling. "And seeing you together on Friday, it brought me back to all those shitty fears and feelings that I'd tried so hard to forget. So I overreacted. And I'm sorry."
Her honesty surprises him. This is the first time he's heard any of this from her, and the fact that she's willing to be so vulnerable with him catches him off guard. It's a real apology, not just some excuse for her behavior. She's actually sorry about what happened, and she's willing to learn from the mistake. He appreciates it.
"I forgive you," Nick says again with a half-smile. He needs to say that for her, but also for himself. He can't be holding on to those old resentments, neither of them can. They both have to move forward past them.
She smiles back and then only looks a little uneasy when she says, "You two seem really happy together."
Nick's face falls. "Well..."
"Well?"
"We, uh..." He rubs the back of his neck. "We broke up."
"You did?" Caroline actually sounds disappointed.
"Yeah." Nick wrings his hands together and fights back the sick feeling that rises up in the back of his throat. "It's just... we're different people, and we want different things. We tried, but it just didn't work with us."
Caroline frowns. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine."
She opens her mouth to say something else, but her train of thought is interrupted when the X-ray technician opens the door and ushers Abbi out into the hallway.
The doctor shows them the tiny fracture on the X-ray before setting the bone, and Abbi is incredibly brave the whole time. She gets a brand-new pink cast and insists on getting both Nick and Caroline to sign it as soon as it dries. They have to wait a little while longer for the cast to set, so they all sit in the small observation room, chatting away while Nick does his best to finish up all the discharge paperwork.
There's a knock on the door, and then a woman with curly brown hair peers around the corner and into the room. "Can I come in?" she asks with a bright smile.
"Hey. Yeah, yeah, of course." Caroline seems to recognize her and waves her inside, and the woman drops into the seat beside her.
"I'm sorry, they wouldn't let me in until visiting hours started," she explains in a rush as she sets her hand on Caroline's arm in a gesture that seems to be a little more than friendly. "Are you okay? Is Abbi okay? What happened to your arm?"
Caroline grabs on to her hand and smiles reassuringly at her. "I'm fine, just a little banged up. Dislocated my shoulder, but it'll be fine in a few months. And Abbi broke her arm, but the doctor said it was just a slight fracture."
"I got a cast," Abbi chimes in. She holds up her arm to display the neon-pink addition.
"Woah, that's really cool!" the woman says excitedly, smiling wide. "Are you going to have your friends at school sign it?"
Abbi grins and bobs her head up and down excitedly.
"Oh," Caroline looks over to where Nick is sitting on the other side of the room. "Nick, you've met Susan, right?"
"I think we spoke on the phone once," Nick says. He offers his hand up to Susan, and she takes it confidently. "It's nice to put a face to the name."
"Nice to meet you, too." Susan smiles at him before giving Abbi a mischievous glance out of the corner of her eye. "Abbi's told me all about you."
He preens at that and looks back at Abbi with a knowing grin. "Is that so?"
Abbi giggles, and then shrugs before launching into a dramatic recap of her evening at the hospital, complete with sound effects. Susan is a captive audience, reacting dramatically to Abbi's retelling, and Nick smiles and shakes his head in amusement before turning back to finish up their hospital paperwork.
When he goes to pull his insurance card out of his wallet, he notices that Susan and Caroline are holding hands, and he raises an eyebrow in surprise. Caroline blushes a little, but she doesn't let go of the other woman's hand, and instead asks Abbi another question about school.
They finally get all their discharge information from the nurse and prescriptions from the hospital pharmacy and file their paperwork with the billing department. Abbi fiddles with her cast as they linger in the parking lot and try to find Nick's car in the mostly empty lot. Susan has to leave to pick her daughter up from her mother's house, and she gives Caroline a kiss on the cheek before leaving. Nick does his best not to stare, but he can't help but notice. It's not an exact confirmation of his suspicions, but given the way Caroline watches her go, it's pretty damn close.
Abbi falls asleep in the backseat a few minutes into the drive, once the hectic day finally gets the best of her. Nick smiles at the sight of her in his rearview mirror as he drives them home to Caroline's townhouse with Caroline awkwardly quiet in the front seat.
"So," he says casually. "Susan, huh?"
Caroline blushes bright red. "Um, yeah. We're together. Dating. Yeah."
Nick hums, trying to hold back on teasing her. "How long have you two been together?"
"About a month." Caroline nervously tucks a lock of her hair behind her ear. "But it sorta started back in February. That's when I first realized that I um, you know." She bites down on her lower lip and looks out the side window. "Guess that makes me a bit of a hypocrite."
Nick shrugs and flips on the turn signal. "I don't mind. I'm just happy you found someone who makes you happy." He pulls up to the stoplight and looks over to give her a teasing grin. "So I guess that's why things didn't work out between us, huh?"
"What? No!" Caroline sputters, turning even redder. "It's not— That's not—"
"Relax." Nick laughs. "I was just kidding."
Caroline sighs and rolls her eyes. "It's just... She took me by surprise. I was working at her coffee shop, and then before I knew it I was falling for her." She blushes again and traces her fingertip in a circle over the window. "I felt young again. Like I was in high school or something, hoping that the pretty girl would notice me. And it's not what I would've expected or guessed would have happened in a million years. But it took me by surprise, and I just couldn't help it. I mean, she'd say something to me or accidentally brush her arm up against mine, and that's all I could think about for the rest of the day."
Nick stares wistfully out the windshield. He knows exactly what that's like, and it's almost a little too close to home. "Yeah, I know the feeling," he admits. "I guess you can't choose who you fall in love with."
"I guess not." She nods in agreement. "It's never really who you expect it to be."
The rest of the ride is quiet as Caroline stares out the window contemplatively while Nick drives them home. It's not too long before Nick pulls up to the house and puts the car in park. Caroline gingerly gets out of the car, and Nick carefully lifts Abbi out of the backseat, mindful of her cast, as he carries her into the house and up to her room. He tucks her into bed and crouches beside her head to watch her sleep for a little while, taking comfort in the steady rise and fall of her breathing. Nick brushes her hair back behind her ear, and then leans in to gently press a kiss to her forehead before quietly sneaking out of her room.
"She's all tucked in," he whispers to Caroline as he creeps down the stairs. "Did you need help with anything? Dirty dishes or laundry or..."
"No, I've got it," Caroline says, but she still seems distracted by whatever is going on inside her head. "You really love her, don't you?"
"Abbi?" Nick's brow furrows. "Of course I do."
"No," she shakes her head and looks at him thoughtfully. "Jess."
Nick hesitates, wondering if this is some kind of test, but then he thinks back to everything Caroline's told him today and the honesty in her voice when she told him those true words. She was brave enough to do the hard thing, so he has to be too. He shrugs sheepishly and shoves his hands into his pockets. "I mean, yeah. But it's over, so you don't have to worry about it or-"
She sighs. "It doesn't have to be. If that's how you feel, then you shouldn't give up on her."
"Caroline..."
"Nick..."
He huffs. "It's too late now. She wouldn't—"
"It's never too late," she counters, her eyes serious. "I mean, you've been in love with her since the moment you met. So don't be afraid, and tell her how you feel. Make sure she really hears you this time."
Nick's mind freezes up for a moment as he stares at her in shock. Of all the things he expected Caroline to say, this wasn't even on his radar. Things between them really have changed; they've come a long way. He takes a step towards her and gingerly pulls her into a brief hug, careful not to bump into her sling.
"Thank you."
"You're welcome." Caroline smiles as she steps away from him and waves him towards the door. "Now go!"
Nick grins at her before grabbing his keys and practically running out the door and to his car.
He breezes through traffic, somehow managing to hit every green light on his way back to the loft. Adrenaline is pumping through his veins as he thinks about what's he's going to say to her, rehearsing his speech as he stares out at the open road.
"I don't want to call it. Because you're amazing and beautiful and incredible and I'd be an idiot if I let you go. And I know it's complicated, and weird, and I really don't know what the future looks like anymore and that honestly terrifies me. But if I have you by my side, then the rest of that doesn't matter. All I know is that I wanna be with ya, Jess."
After an eternity, he finally pulls up to the curb and runs into the building. The elevator can't seem to come fast enough, and he impatiently hits the button over and over again, even though he knows that won't make it come any faster. He grits his teeth in frustration and tries to calm the frantic racing of his heart.
Once he finally gets to the loft he goes straight to Jess' room, only to find it empty. His heart sinks a little as reality starts to sink in. That little voice in the back of his mind goes into overdrive. What if Jess doesn't want this? What if she rejects him again? What if she's moved on? Nick can see her in his mind's eye, all dressed up for a night at the bar with Cece and Schmidt as they try to set her up with some cute guy.
Nick sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose before defeatedly returning to his own room. He really thought this was going to be the moment, but the timing is all wrong. Again. In the war of head versus heart, maybe heart can never win. Not for him. He needs to give up on fantasy and climb back into the real world. He needs to give up on this idea of some other fantasy world that he's been trying to live in lately.
He opens his bedroom door and much to his surprise, there's Jess sitting on his bed. She jumps up when he walks in, like she was waiting for him all this time
"Jess...?"
"Nick. I..." She nervously wrings her hands together. "I need to tell you something."
He just stands there in shocked silence, and Jess takes it as an invitation to continue.
"Look, I know you think we should call it. I know it's tricky, and complicated, and we don't know what we're doing." Jess takes a deep breath and drops her hands down to her sides. "But I don't want to give up on this, even if we don't know what this is."
Nick's mind is blank, like he can't quite understand what she's saying. It's like he'd in a foreign film with subtitles, but he knows all the words. They're his words and he can't even be mad about it because they should a hell of a lot better coming out of her mouth.
Jess bites down on her lower lip, her eyes watering as she continues. "I was scared. I'm still scared. I'm terrified," she admits with a little laugh and wipes at her eye. "But I'm not afraid of the future, or what anyone else says about us. What I'm really afraid of is losing you. Because... I love you. And I can't imagine a world where we aren't together. So I want to uncall it. Please, can we uncall it? Before you say no... Don't say no."
It takes a moment for her words to sink in. His mind is still reeling from everything she's said and the fact that she loves him. Loves him. Nick stares at her, and he can't hear anything but the thundering of his own heart. All those practiced speeches fly out of his head. Turns out he didn't need them after all. He just wraps his arms around her waist and kisses her.
Jess lets out a soft gasp of surprise. Then she grabs at his shoulder and kisses him back, her lips sweet and slick against his. He missed this so goddamn much, and his grip on her tightens as he pulls her close to him. He thinks he's been alone for a long time. He's been lonely. He didn't think he was, but then he met her, and he didn't know how he went through so much of his life without her. She feels like coming home, like sunshine after a rainy day, like longing and elation and desire all wrapped up in the perfect package as she drapes her arm over his back and kisses him over and over, like she never wants to stop. He slides his hand up her back and into her hair, holding her tight as he kisses her with every ounce of passion he can muster, trying to convey the feeling that he can't find the right words to tell her about.
Nick tilts his head to kiss her from a different angle, and Jess breaks away from his lips to smile at him. There's still a few unshed tears lingering in her eyes, and Nick lifts his hand up to cradle her jaw and brush them away with his thumb. He leans his forehead against hers as she beams at him, giggling a little as she leans in to briefly press her lips to his. Nick grins back and captures her mouth in another kiss, and he can feel her smile against his mouth.
"I love you," Nick says, his chest tight and so full it just might burst. He's smiling like an idiot, so damn happy that he just can't help it, and he kisses her again, her lips open and pliant against his.
Jess smiles at him when she pulls away. "I love you," she says back to him again, laughing as she leans in to kiss him again.
Nick lets his eyes fall shut as he kisses her, and he feels so extraordinarily happy. Ridiculously, absurdly happy. Happier than he's ever felt in his life. This is what he wants, what he's wanted for so long. Jess is amazing and incredible, and she wants him, wants to be with him. She loves him. It's the dream he desperately wanted to turn into a reality, the fantasy he convinced himself he'd never be able to have. But it's happening, he still can't quite grasp that it's real, even though it really, truly is.
He holds Jess in his arms, keeping her pressed tight to him as he kisses her. Even when he breaks away he still lets his touch linger on her as he slowly opens his eyes. His hand rests on her face, stroking over her cheekbone as Jess smiles at him, like she can't really believe it either.
This is it, he thinks to himself as he looks at her. This is the rest of my life.
It's terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time, but he's not afraid because he can see the same thing reflected back in her own eyes. Nick smiles before kissing her again.