Author's Note: Due to a pinched nerve, responsibilities to family, a new, heavier work schedule, my desire to get my first novel published and my second one well underway, I won't be writing two chapters a week for a while. But Targets will continue. May the Force be with you.
Estel Baggins
Trials (1)
Anakin gazed at Obi-Wan across the low table that separated them. There were candles on the table and a small vase of glis'lilia. They had only just returned to Temple after two months of being away, and Obi-Wan had asked Anakin to stay out of their quarters for an hour or so after their return. When he'd called Anakin to their quarters, Anakin had found the small table laid just like this. He'd wondered where Obi-Wan had gotten the table, somewhat lower than the one that sat in front of their couch, but he'd been overwhelmed by the throbbing, hypnotic sound of Obi-Wan chanting in a language Anakin had never heard. He'd approached and, after listening to the last stanza, sat to one side of the table. After bowing to Anakin, Obi-Wan sat across from him.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes, and Anakin, sensing the Force awakening around him, did likewise, reaching out to his master.
What does glis'li mean? Obi-Wan asked.
Yours forever, Anakin answered.
I will be your partner forever, Anakin, no matter how our relationship changes. Do you believe me?
Yes. Anakin's heartbeat picked up a little, but, with a breath, he calmed it. This, along with many other skills, had been perfected during their time away from Temple. And I'll always be yours.
Thank you, Padawan mine.
Anakin sensed a finality in those words. He responded instinctively. Master Obi, what is it?
Your Trials are going to take place at sunrise. And I must leave you tonight so that you can prepare. He gave Anakin a moment to absorb this shock, then he said, You may choose to stay here or to be escorted to a set of empty quarters where you can spend the night.
Anakin felt almost dizzy with surprise. He felt excitement, but also sadness. He hadn't thought the end to their master-padawan relationship was going to come so soon. Despite Obi-Wan's words on the way to Feltho III, he'd never imagined his Trials were this near. He kept this next thought to himself: And I still haven't told him how I feel.
The reason for that hadn't changed. He'd had nightmares about Adee several times, and each time when he woke up, he longed to tell Obi-Wan all his fears. But he couldn't. They'd both felt the Dark Force's growing power as they worked on different worlds, and Anakin feared more and more for Obi-Wan. He didn't dare be less than the ultimate protector for his master. What if he broke down at the wrong time? Who would protect Obi-Wan then? Granted, Obi-Wan had defended himself many times in the last eight weeks, but Anakin couldn't shake the feeling that he was all that really stood between Obi-Wan and death.
Coming back to the real world, Anakin asked, If I stayed here, you would go somewhere else for the night?
Obi-Wan nodded; Anakin sensed the movement through their bond.
Where? he asked.
That I can't tell you. We're meant to be apart, without any way of contacting each other. He smiled a little. It's more tradition than anything else, but just like Qui-Gon and I didn't know where the other was during those hours before my own Trails, so it is meant to be with us. A pause, then, Considering all that's been happening lately, I'll say this much: if you contact Reeft, he'll know where to find me. He'll be in his quarters tonight.
Anakin nodded, grateful for that, and wondering how badly Obi-Wan had broken the rules. Is it all right if I stay here?
Yes, of course. Another pause, and now Anakin sensed his master's hesitation.
Obi? He reached out a mental hand, wanting to give comfort.
It's nothing, Anakin, only that you and I must sever our training bond now. Some masters and padawans choose to do this at different times, but considering how close you and I are, I think we should give ourselves a few hours to adjust.
Anakin nodded again. And after… Can we have a new bond? Can two Jedi not training together, and not in love, have a bond?
None ever have, as far as I know, but that shouldn't stop us. He chuckled softly, and Anakin felt the tenderness of that sound like a warm hand on his shoulder. Be at peace, Anakin. I'll see you in about ten hours. And he took a step towards Anakin in that distanceless space between minds, touched Anakin's mind for a moment- that feeling of tenderness grew- then severed their link.
Anakin did the same, and when it was done, he felt empty. With a soft groan, he opened his eyes and met Obi-Wan's across the table.
"The emptiness and shock will fade," Obi-Wan said. "Severing a bond- truly cutting it off from both ends- is much different than putting up a shield. Shields are, more or less, a created thing, where a bond is organic."
"So I just cut off my foot?" Anakin asked, trying to smile.
"More or less," was the answer he was given. Then Obi-Wan stood. He waited until Anakin was also up, then he bowed. "Someone will come to escort you."
Anakin bowed, but couldn't find any words that sounded appropriate to his own ears. The enormity of the step he was taking was at last sinking in.
Obi-Wan nodded to the younger Jedi, then turned for the door.
Anakin swallowed, reached out with one hand, keeping himself from reaching through the Force only by an act of will.
Obi-Wan seemed to sense the gesture. He turned, opened his arms.
Anakin came to him and they embraced for a long moment. Then Anakin drew back. "Thank you for teaching me," he said.
"You're welcome. It was a pleasure." Then Obi-Wan left.
Anakin sank into a meditative posture in the middle of the room. Those last words- it was a pleasure- usually sounded formal, and he'd only ever heard them during meetings, never between friends. But he'd seen all the true sincerity in Obi-Wan's eyes when he spoke, and he knew that Obi-Wan meant the phrase more than all the politicians and rulers who had spoken it in the last hundred years.
oOo
Anakin removed his blindfold. He'd known it was Obi-Wan he was fighting before their blades even met. Not because there was some trace of the bond still functioning, but because he'd practiced reading the Force-signature of those around him. It was, in fact, the only skill he'd devoted himself to while under Zee's dubious tutelage, besides flying and mechanics. He let this one lesson Obi-Wan had invited him to study stand for all the ones he was blowing off. Being so deeply immersed in the Force had calmed him, though he hadn't associated this truth with the Force.
Knowing who he fought gave him an amazing edge, though he knew almost at once that Obi-Wan wasn't using every trick he could. Would the Council see this and think Obi-Wan was favoring his padawan? Not wanting this to happen, Anakin redoubled his efforts, but the harder he fought, the more Obi-Wan seemed to relax. He blocked all of Anakin's blows and scarcely attacked. Anakin thought, If he's this good, how did Dooku defeat him?
Before he could do more than let the thought pass through his mind, Yoda had called an end to the first task, telling Anakin to take off his blindfold.
And so it was that Anakin now stood looking at Obi-Wan and wanting so badly to ask what the point of the contest had been, and longing to know if he'd done right and if Obi-Wan hadn't been too restrained in his attacks. But one look at the serene and (scarce to be seen) pleased look on his master's face convinced Anakin that all had gone as planned, even if he didn't understand. Realizing this, he let go of his anxiety. If Obi-Wan was content, then everything had gone well.
Anakin clipped his lightsaber to his belt and, prompted by the tilt of Obi-Wan's chin (a proud tilt if Anakin had ever seen one) he bowed deeply to his master.
Obi-Wan returned the bow, then turned to Yoda and the other masters above them. Again, he bowed, and Anakin followed suit. Then, without a word to any, he turned and left the room, casting Anakin a glance that Anakin interpreted as 'follow me'.
When the two of them were alone in a small room just off the larger one, Obi-Wan held out his hand for the blindfold and Anakin gave it to him. This Obi-Wan folded and slipped into a pouch on his belt. Then he said, "You have two tasks more before you leave the assembly area. You'll duel two Jedi. As was the goal when you were a youngling, you are not challenged to defeat them, but to survive for a set time with each. With the first, you will survive for an hour, and with the second, fifteen minutes is your goal. Do you have any questions?"
Anakin was silent for a moment. The first was obviously a test of endurance and it would serve him better to reserve his strength and keep his movements small and economic. But the other: who would he fight for only fifteen minutes? "You can't tell me who I'm dueling, can you?"
Obi-Wan shook his head, and a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. "I'm only allowed to say this much: I never had to do this exact type of test when I took my own Trials. This new one was put in place five years after I became a master."
So, even if Obi-Wan knew what was coming, he'd never had the experience himself, and, in any case, he wasn't allowed to tell Anakin more. The padawan nodded. "I understand."
"Good. Are you ready, or will you meditate first? You have seven more minutes before you're expected to be back in the other room."
Anakin sank onto his haunches and closed his eyes. He longed to just rush out and get this over with, but to survive, he would need patience more than strength. He called on the Force and half-meditated, centering his mind and lowering the speed of his breathing and heartbeat. When he opened his eyes what seemed like an eternity later, he saw that Obi-Wan was watching him with a peculiar expression on his face. Still deep within his trance, Anakin couldn't at first read the look, and in the next moment, it was gone. Shrugging, knowing he would have time later to ask, he rose. "Is it time?"
"You have another minute. Are there any last questions?"
"Is there anything you would like me to ask, Master?" He was half-teasing, but he was genuinely curious.
"No," Obi-Wan answered, and that small smile was curving his lips again. "It's only required that I ask you before you enter the assembly room again."
That was a relief. Anakin wasn't missing anything. He nodded. "Don't worry about me."
Obi-Wan blinked at him. "I'm not." Then he turned and strode through a smaller door, leaving Anakin to enter the large room alone.
When Anakin emerged, he at first saw no one in the large open space. Then, high above him, Adi Gallia called, "Are you ready, Padawan?"
"Yes, Master."
She nodded, then Force-leapt down to him. She stood ten paces away, her hands at her sides. She bowed.
Anakin returned the gesture.
From above them, Mace said, "Begin."
Faster than any eye could follow, Adi Gallia had her lightsaber in her hand.
But Anakin didn't need his eyes. He'd felt the upswing in the song of the Force, and his own weapon was ready just as quickly.
But she didn't attack. She began to circle.
Anakin did the same, calling the peace and patience of his half-meditative state to stay with him. He mustn't lose it now. This is a test of endurance, he reminded himself again. Patience, not strength, will determine the outcome.
Then Adi leapt, and Anakin, caught off guard, having expected her to circle until he attacked, almost dropped his lightsaber as hers hummed against his with a sound of a thousand frying circuits and the strength of a sandstorm wind. He recovered himself and retreated to collect his wits, but from that moment on, he didn't assume anything about the hour he must spend with this master.
Their dance was beautiful. Moving to the tune of the Force, they could have been part of a dance troop, their lightsabers augmenting the splendor of the movements. Anakin no longer tried to think, but only felt. Disappearing into the Force, he breathed into the dance. Their lightsabers crossed now and then, but mostly they missed as move after move spun them around each other. Sometimes, they leapt, but mostly what they had was an economy of movement that would have drawn awe from any non-Jedi spectator, and drew a smile from Obi-Wan, who had taken a place near Yoda.
In his mind, Anakin began to form a picture of Adi Gallia's movements. This was done unconsciously, but with absolute precision. The next time she came at him, he thought he knew how she would move, and he spun away, leaving his back defenseless. But his instincts had been right; his turn carried him far from her blade with only two steps, and put her off-balance. Turning again on his barely-shifting feet, Anakin caught her blade on the downstroke and was able to flick it up and away. It almost fell from her hand.
She blinked, then retreated a few steps, recollecting herself.
That won't work again, Anakin thought. She won't try that stroke again, and she probably won't try her usual style again, at least not right away. He'd learned long ago not to expect opponents to fall into the same trap twice. And even if she did, he must assume that she would be ready for him. None of that meant he wouldn't try an opening if he saw one, but he maintained his calm through it all. If there was to come another opportunity to throw her off-balance, he would be ready, but he would seek after one with all his heart.
Again, they danced, circling more widely now. Anakin had begun to sweat; he could feel it under his tunic, and he wondered how much time had passed.
She leapt at him, and he brought up his blade too fast. It flew from his hand.
He Force-leapt back from her, calling his blade to him with the Force. Pay attention! he berated himself. Then he let all thoughts go. Dwelling on his mistake would only cause more problems. Like a flash of lightning illuminating a nightscape, he realized that Obi-Wan had been right: dwelling on past mistakes would only make things worse. He'd known, in his mind, the wisdom of this, but now he knew it, as it were, in his bones.
They resumed their dance. He managed to turn three more strokes of hers, and even, near the end of their time, to knock the blade out of her hand. Then Mace called an end to the contest.
Anakin took a step back and bowed to her.
She returned the gesture. "Well done," she said. Then she turned and strode from the floor.
He watched her away, then turned back towards the balcony where the Council sat. He picked out Obi-Wan's visage, but couldn't read his expression.
The Force warned him to turn and he did, leaping back as well. He watched as Yoda landed just where he had been. Yoda? Yoda?! I have to fight Yoda?!
"Ready you are?" Yoda asked.
Anakin bit his lip, then left off it. He called the Force around him, afraid he wouldn't be able to feel that same peace again, but it came, quickly swathing him in a warm, strengthening embrace. He bowed to Yoda. "Yes, Master."
Fighting Yoda was a different kind of dance. Yoda kept after Anakin, and used more than his blade. Anakin constantly had to block Force-pushes and pulls and tosses. He was thrown off his feet three times, but each time, he turned the fall into a roll or into an opportunity to gain some other kind of distance between himself and the master. Pressed hard continually, he might have wondered if he could survive the fifteen minutes, if there had been time for wondering. There wasn't, and he just concentrated on defending himself and staying on his feet.
He saw three opportunities to counterattack during the battle, but didn't take the first two. Initially, he couldn't bring himself to attack Yoda because he was afraid he'd make a mistake, and when he got over this (about five minutes later) he didn't take the second opportunity because he saw in Yoda's eyes that the master was deliberately laying a trap for him. He refused to take it.
But the third opportunity came, and he saw no reason not to take it. Dropping to one knee, he scooped the Force out from under Yoda so that the Jedi master stumbled. Anakin had planned for him to fall, but stumbling was all he was going ot get. He took it. Leaping, he kicked out and swung down with his lightsaber. At the last moment, he drew his foot back, using it to pivot on, and threw Yoda across the open space with the Force. He'd never planned to use his lightsaber. Instead, as Yoda gained his feet and trod forth, Anakin stood ready. He'd done the move to give himself time to breathe.
But Yoda stopped a dozen steps from Anakin and slipped his lightsaber into its holster. He waited until a shocked Anakin had done the same, then bowed.
Anakin returned the gesture, feeling like he'd woken from a very strange dream to find that the world was also strange.
"Your last Trial only remains," Yoda said. "Escort you Master Obi-Wan will." He turned away and started towards the steps to the balcony. The rest of the Council members were coming down. Obi-Wan already stood by the steps and after a whispered word from Yoda, he approached Anakin. With another 'follow me' gesture, he led his padawan from the room.
"Was that a whole fifteen minutes?" Anakin asked when they were alone in the corridor.
"I can't answer that." Obi-Wan had been walking a few paces ahead, but now he dropped back and laid a hand on Anakin's arm. He didn't speak or look at his padawan, but that touch said all he couldn't.
Anakin lifted his own hand and touched the hand on his arm. He grasped it, then let go. A feeling akin to that long-ago spark he'd felt moved from Obi-Wan's hand to his. Akin, but different, because it was more a warm rush that an electric shock. Anakin relished it once his hand was back at his side and Obi-Wan had taken his own hand away.
They reached the meditation room. Obi-Wan opened the door and Anakin followed him into the small, windowless space. "If you'll find a place to sit," the master said, "and find a meditation level you're comfortable with, the test will begin." He stepped back, but then stopped.
A look Anakin didn't understand crossed his face. The younger Jedi responded to it. "Obi?"
"It's a bit of my past I'll talk to you about once the Trials are through."
Wanting to wipe that distracted, pained look off Obi-Wan's face, but not knowing how, Anakin nodded and said, "I'll see you soon?"
"Yes. This test doesn't have a time limit, but I expect we'll talk soon." Obi-Wan closed the door behind him and Anakin was alone.
The padawan descended into half-meditation, wondering if he would be called to go deeper. Then all such questions were swept away as the Force rose around him and he found himself deep inside his own mind. Around him rose the boxes he and Obi-Wan hadn't worked through, but he was also conscious of a soft voice, barely audible, telling him to walk forward. He did so, and as he moved in his mind, the boxes fell away to either side and he was faced by a row of faintly-glowing doors. He saw that each was embossed with words, but he couldn't read these words. They wavered when he focused on any one, though the others at the corners of his vision seemed to be distinct.
"You will open each," said a voice Anakin didn't recognize. "And you will face what's inside."
Anakin blinked. "Who are you?" he asked.
No answer.
Giving up on reading the doors and knowing the identity of the voice for now, Anakin went to the door furthest to his right. He touched the doorknob, hesitated, then put pressure on the knob until it turned. The door opened inward, and Anakin gazed into a darkness that was faintly lit everywhere. He was put in mind of the Crystal Cave where he'd made his lightsaber. Thinking of this, he stepped inside. The door closed behind him.
He was back in the Crystal Cave, just as he'd thought, only now he was older. But his age didn't matter. He was still seeking crystals for his lightsaber. What had he done with his own weapon? He couldn't remember.
A figure approached him out of the darkness. It was Obi-Wan. "Hello, Padawan mine. Enjoying your search?"
Cautious, Anakin asked, "Why are you here, Master?" He didn't remember, just then, that he was in the Temple, but vividly he recalled being approached by visions he thought were people the last time he'd been in this Force-focusing cave.
Obi-Wan chuckled. "I can't fool you. You know it's not really me." He shook his head. "You've grown so much, Anakin. I'm proud of you." He reached into his robes and drew out three crystals. "Here. The ones you seek. Aren't they beautiful?"
Anakin took them automatically, and saw that they glowed red. His jaw dropped and he looked quickly up at Obi-Wan. "These are crystals for a Sith's lightsaber!"
Obi-Wan nodded. "I know. But this is what I was meant to give you, so I am." He stepped forward, shrugging the robe off his shoulders. Beneath it, he wore trousers that showed his muscular legs and other… attributes to good advantage. He wore no shirt. "You are more powerful than any Jedi, and though you are commanded to bring balance to the Force by killing all Jedi, I ask that you let me live and serve you." He sank to his knees before Anakin. "You won't get love from me, Anakin; my love for Qui-Gon, and for another Jedi, whom you will kill soon, are too strong. But you have my body. Let me live, Anakin. If not as your whore, than as the caretaker of your children." He sighed and shook his head. "The reign of Siths has ended as well. Your children will succeed you like princes to a throne, and their children will come after them. Not all will be strong in the Force as you are, but the Force itself will retreat from the galaxy once balance has been established." He reached up, drawing Anakin's hands down to his lips. He kissed Anakin's fingers, then his tongue licked out, playing over the hardened pads. "I can't go to Qui-Gon, and I don't want to go into the nothingness of death just yet. Let me stay here with you for a time."
The unreality of everything- the words he heard, the crystals in his palm and, above all, the demure and posturing man at his feet pierced Anakin's shock. He dropped the crystals. They disappeared before striking the floor of the cave. He wanted to take a step back, especially when Obi-Wan reached out for him again.
Then he heard a voice he knew was his own, though it sounded like it was coming from a long way off. That's not Obi-Wan. Walk right through him.
Empowered, though he felt a slight touch of fear and confusion, Anakin moved forward.
"Anakin, please-" Obi-Wan cringed away from him. "Don't kick me, Master!"
Anakin's step faltered, but then, closing his eyes for a moment and feeling the Force around him, he squared his shoulders, opened his eyes, and walked through the vision. He winced a little, anticipating a last cry of pain, but none came. The vision was gone.
Shaking his head, Anakin muttered, "Like I'd ever take him that way." Then, after a moment, "Like he'd ever offer himself that way. To anyone. For any reason." He started down the path the vision had been blocking, still seeking the crystals for his lightsaber.
"You're doing well," said Obi-Wan from his left.
Anakin jumped in spite of his best efforts. He couldn't see Obi-Wan; that part of the cave was shrouded in darkness. "Can't you go away? I've got more important things to do."
"More important than listening to your old master for a moment?"
"You're not Obi-Wan."
"No, but right now, I'm the closest thing you'll get to him, and you need all the help you can get, Padawan mine. You're not really where you think you are, and until you realize that, all you're doing is walking in circles."
"If I'm not where I think I am, then where am I?" Anakin didn't take a step towards the dark corner. He had no wish to see what form of his master would present itself.
"Only when you figure that out will you be where you're supposed to be."
"Well, you've got his confusing sayings down. Though he dropped most of those before I was fourteen."
"I didn't drop them. You only started to understand them." A soft chuckle. "Though perhaps I used them less often than Qui-Gon. That can't be helped; he and I teach differently."
"If you don't have anything relevant to tell me, I'll go now."
There was a stirring within the shadows, heard and felt as much as seen.
Anakin looked away, not wanting to see. "I'm going now."
"Not just yet, Padawan mine. I have a question for you. Where's your lightsaber hilt?"
Anakin drew this from his belt. "Right here." He blinked. It was the same 'saber hilt he'd had on his first journey through this cave. What had happened to the crystals that he needed to find more?
"Look at it, please. You've told me of the two suns of Tatooine surrounded by the Temple. Now tell me about the three intertwining lines."
Anakin said, "There are only two." But then, glancing down, he saw that there were indeed three. The third had been carved, if such a sophisticated word could be used, by his misadventures in the factory on Geonosis. He'd kept the pieces with him, stuffed into his belt, and though he hadn't been given crystals for his repaired weapon (a garden of these was grown at Temple for those lightsaber destroyed in battle) until he'd returned from Geonosis, he hadn't even bothered to think about this newest line. He'd just been glad to have his own weapon back. He'd grown accustomed to his lightsaber's unique vibrations, and using another hadn't been at all satisfying. Now, frowning at the scratch, he said, "That's not a third line. It's just from a battle I had."
"It's a third line. It's the Force running between and around you and the one you love. See where the lines are broken?"
"That came from the battle, too. I didn't make them break."
"Perhaps, but they're still important. They are the breaks in our own lives, the times we forget the Force or our place in it." A hand, wrinkled and darkened by long hours under a strong sun, traced the central line. "This one, the line of the Force, never breaks. Only our devotion to it falters."
Anakin drew back, staring at the hand. He swallowed his questions, reminding himself that this was only a vision. Then, as the words slipped past his shock, he said, "You said 'our' lives. But you also said the third line is the Force running between my life and the one I love. But if you were really Obi-Wan, you wouldn't know I love you."
"I never claimed to be Obi-Wan. I'm only here to talk to you about the pretty lines on your lightsaber hilt." Again, that dry chuckle. "Anakin, you can't hide love forever, and if you're planning to do just that, I'd give you this to think about: hiding is not part of who we are as Jedi. If you truly love Obi-Wan, you need to tell him, no matter the consequences, no matter your own fear or doubts or needs. You need to tell him. Hiding from him is a deception not worthy of the Jedi Knight you are about to become."
Then the wrinkled hand was withdrawn, and the voice didn't come out of the darkness again.
Anakin stood with his head bowed for several moments. But then he whispered, "I can't tell him. I can't show my weakness. The minute I do that, the galaxy will destroy him." Strengthened by his own voice, he made to slip his lightsaber hilt into its place at his belt But his hands froze and his mouth went dry as desert sand. About halfway down, the two oft-broken lines (the right one being broken several more times than the left) joined into one line. They continued together, unbroken, untwisting, for eight or nine centimeters, then moved apart, though only by half a dozen millimeters, and continued down in perfect parallelism. The one of the left broke once, near the split, but then thickened and did not break again.
Anakin traced the lines with his fingers, but then he shook his head. "They're just lines," he muttered. "They're not a prophetic symbol of things to come. And even if they are, maybe that part where they're joined together for awhile was where he and I were together for five years." He didn't believe that, but staring at the lines was making him uneasy, and he still had crystals to find.
I don't need the crystals. I have no reason to be here. I'm not here, not really. He shook off that mental voice as confusing and kept going.
oOo
How could he sleep? Such a thing should have been impossible. But in the middle of his meditating, that's just what happened. Obi-Wan's mind slipped from that place deep in the Force to another place deep within his own slumbering mind. He dreamed. But before he could get fairly in, he had time for this one thought: I never used to dream in such a coherent, confusing, almost-like-waking way. Is this, too, a change brought on by Dagobah? Then he let the question go and drifted fully into the dream, forgetting for a little time that he was asleep.
"Let me be the love you lost," Anakin murmured. He was sitting behind Obi-Wan brushing the lengthening red hair.
Around them, their shared quarters glowed golden orange with the rising light of the rising sun. Outside the open balcony doors, no speedersmoved past just yet. It was very early, and not much traffic came around the Temple in the first daylight hours. It had always been so, as if the inhabitants, usually so accustomed to the Jedi in their midst, took special care not to disturb the peacemakers in those hours when they would just be waking and seeking the Force for help through a new day.
The knight's brush strokes were rhythmic, like the slow breathing that accompanied meditation. He leaned into them a little now and then, turning the simple task into a massage, and a message. "Stop running from love. You lost him, but you can have me."
Obi-Wan didn't move, but his tone was unyielding. "No. I don't want to lose another."
Anakin set the brush aside and rested his chin on Obi-Wan's shoulder. "You are strong enough to maybe lose me. Do you want to miss this chance at happiness?"
"I am happy in the Force." Still, Obi-Wan didn't move. A deep sense of unreality, and yet of the arrival of something long anticipated, ran through him. He wasn't sure he could have moved.
"Your sun is going down. Let it come back up."
"Sunrise," Obi-Wan murmured.
"What?"
"Gareth said something about sunrise, and a comforter."
Anakin nodded. "I guess the Force spoke to him, too. It's been trying to get me to tell you how I feel for months." He laid a gentle kiss on juncture of Obi-Wan's neck and shoulder. "Let me love you, Obi. You know I can, and that you want me to."
Obi-Wan struggled for a moment. He wanted to think this was wrong; it was too simple and fulfilling to be right. He grasped at the first excuse that came to his mind, never mind that it was a lie. "But I've thought of you as my son."
Anakin sighed and kissed Obi-Wan again. "No. That's only what you told yourself. I was never your son. For a day, I was the pathetic life form Qui-Gon picked up on Tatooine, then I was your pretend padawan, then your real padawan, then your partner, and now I'm a Knight. I was never really your son. Isn't that true?"
Yes, damn it, that was all true, but nothing was supposed to be this easy. Where was the initial confusion and wandering about in the dark that he and Qui-Gon had gone through? He searched for something else to stall Anakin. "Yes, but, am I ready to love again? I can't imagine losing you, and I know now that the Force won't keep you alive because I ask. What if you're taken from me?"
"Since when is death a consideration for you, Obi?" Anakin rose and moved around the chair until he could kneel before Obi-Wan. Looking up through delicate and beautiful lashes, he said, "Stop stalling and tell me: do you love me?"
He gave up; what else could he do? He'd been Anakin's for years now, even though he'd only just started fighting the direction their relationship seemed to be taking. "Yes, all right, I yield." A breath, then, "I love you."
Anakin's eyes danced, "It's not like you to give in. I think you've secretly wanted this for a long time." He drew Obi-Wan to his feet.
Obi-Wan's arms slipped naturally around Anakin's wais and he let go of his last reservation. "Maybe," he said, teasing with his eyes, "but I'd never give you the satisfaction of knowing for sure."
He snapped awake and discovered that he'd slept sitting up, still tucked into the meditative posture. He blinked, then shook his head. Force, what was that?
There was a moment of silence within him, then: Move on.
Obi-Wan groaned. No. That can't be what was meant. It can't. With my padawan? And then, because that wasn't the real problem, or even close to it, With the Chosen One? Doesn't he have enough to worry about just now?
Silence.
Bant and Reeft had come to meditate with him. He saw that they were watching him, perhaps drawn out of their own meditation by his distress. He measured them both and decided he needed to speak. But though he was close to both of them, he was tempted to only speak to one, and so he said, "Forgive me, Bant, but I…." He faltered. This should be something he could discuss with both of his dear friends.
She rose to her feet like an opening flower. "I'll leave you two alone. I should go check on Nela, anyway. Knowing that Anakin is going through the Trials has made her jumpy." Without another word, she glided from the room.
Obi-Wan stood once the door was closed and strode to the window. He'd been instructed to stay in a meditation room until Anakin's final Trial was completed. Here Bant and Reeft had opted to join him. He'd wondered whether Qui-Gon had sat in this very room, waiting for his own padawan to become a Jedi, and if Qui-Gon had had company, but now those questions had been blown way by his dream. Crossing his arms before him, he said, "I had a dream about Anakin, and I wanted to discuss it with you." He sighed. "I don't know why I don't want Bant to hear. The Force alone can answer that." He turned to face Reeft, who had risen and moved towards him. "I dreamed Anakin asked if I loved him, and that I, after a short debate and a few attempts to put off the question, admitted that I did. A strange dream, and one without a basis in reality. Except…" He couldn't go on.
"You could tell him about the dream. See how he responds." If Reeft was surprised, he didn't show it.
"I can't. He's the Chosen One. He doesn't need that sort of complication in his life. Besides, what if I'm just following in Qui-Gon's footsteps?" That was, he realized, entirely possible. Maybe he'd just been raised, as it were, with the idea that a master-padawan bond was stronger than others believed. Could he be imagining all his feelings? It isn't as if I haven't already discussed this with Anakin. He isn't interested in me. I'm not really interested in him. This is just-
Reeft interrupted his thoughts. "I think you've become too much of your own person to do that."
Obi-Wan decided not to argue that point; he was seeking Reeft's advice, not agreement. "Maybe, but I still can't do this to Anakin." He hit upon another excuse. "And I'm not ready to love again. Besides, Qui-Gon has been dead for less than a year; how can I even be thinking of loving again so soon?" The lie rolled so effortlessly off his tongue that when he realized what he'd said, he felt almost dizzy with shock. If this was part of the secret the Force had trusted him with- and he knew it to be so- he felt very uncomfortable. Connecting any sort of lie with the Force made him feel dirty.
But as upset as he was by the lie, a wave of sorrow swept through him. I'm thinking of our relationship as dead, even though Qui-Gon isn't. And even if that's the result of a true vision, how unfaithful am I being to Qui-Gon by not even taking time to grieve the loss?
Move on, was the answer he received.
Oh, shut up, Obi-Wan snapped, and when he did so, he realized the words weren't coming from Qui-Gon, as he'd once thought, or from the Force, as he'd come to believe, but from inside his own head. Keeping his outer expression neutral, he grimaced at the thought. And go away. I don't have time for you now.
Something vast trembled on the edge of his consciousness, but he pushed it back, to be dealt with later. If Anakin was still in Trials when this talk with Reeft was done, Obi-Wan would confront that behemoth then.
"Soon is relative. If you're ready to love, you will. If you're not, you won't." He took a step closer to Obi-Wan, and his voice gentled. "Forget what I just said. You don't have to tell Anakin right away."
Obi-Wan shook his head and, safely hidden in the long sleeves of his robe, his hands clenched. "I shouldn't keep this from him. Force knows how many problems have been caused by one or the other of us hiding things. Our relationship is based on complete trust and openness."
"Relationship, not friendship?"
The other master blinked. "What's the difference?"
"The term 'relationship' can cover a lot of ground."
Reminded of times in the Senate, Obi-Wan said, "Don't play word-games with me, please."
Reeft raised an eyebrow. "I'm just repeating what you yourself said so you can hear yourself. Many times, our subconscious knows what's going on long before we do. I think you should wait this out. See what develops. Time may decide for you."
"No. I need to face Anakin. As embarrassing as this all is, we're both too old to be playing like children at love."
"You might be too old. He's not eighteen yet." Reeft smiled a little. "Has it occurred to you that if he succeeds today, he'll be the youngest Knight in over two hundred years?"
"No. I hadn't thought about that." Obi-Wan was quiet for a moment, then he said, "I, at least, am too old for these games. I need to tell Anakin and get it over with."
"Not before you know your own mind."
"You're assuming this is the first dream I've had about Anakin and I. It's the tenth. The first was on Dagobah, about a month before Qui-Gon…" He cleared his throat. "Suffering under that was like pouring muja juice on an open wound. The only reason I'm bringing it to you now is because, up until now, I've been able to dismiss each dream as just a result of how much I miss Qui-Gon." He felt an intense urge to pace and repressed it. He knew the knuckles of his tightly-gripping hands must have turned snow-white by now. He tried to ease their tension. For the moment, he failed. "But I've never woken with all the images and words so clear in my mind. Granted, I've never fallen asleep while meditating, either. This is a day of firsts for my padawan and me." He felt his heart racing and breathed in and out, forcing his hands to loosen their death-grip on his arms. Some of the tension in his mind went when he did this, and he realized that he'd made a decision, or at least part of one. "If I'm not following Qui-Gon's example, then I'm in love. I'll meditate on it, try to make sure I love him, then I'll talk to him. But if it comes up between us, in any way, I'll tell him at once."
Reeft shook himself, a gesture that surprised Obi-Wan because of its intensity. "Good for you," his friend said. "Silly games of hiding what we feel should have stopped long ago."
Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. "Then why did you suggest I hide my feelings?"
Reeft colored slightly. "Maybe because I've been debating whether or not to hide my own feelings, and I couldn't separate my concerns for you completely from my worries about my own future. Very un-master-like. I know."
Ah, Obi-Wan thought, so it's finally come. "From Bant?"
Reeft laughed, throwing his head back. "It's that obvious?"
"Just to me. And to Garen and Siri. They knew, too." He felt more comfortable on this footing. Hypocrite, he called himself, but without true anger or even a touch of frustration.
Reeft shook his head. "Then does she? And how does she feel?"
"There you'd have to ask her. But if I were you, I'd wait until after next week."
"Why?"
"Because Nela's Trials are in ten days. Talk about bad timing."
"Ah." Reeft grinned and closed the distance between them, laying his hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. "Thank you, Obi-Wan." His grin widened. "For not being angry with me that I'm distracted." He stepped back. "I wish you luck with telling him. Because I know you're in love."
"If I had your confidence, and you mine, we'd both have confessed our feelings- or have at least figured out our feelings- long before this." Obi-Wan gestured back to the open floor. "Will you meditate with me, or is this new revelation leading you to go walking?" For he could see the need in Reeft's eyes.
"You know me too well. Do you mind if I abandon you?"
"Only if you don't think of it as abandonment. I have my own thinking to do, remember?"
When Reeft was gone, Obi-Wan sank back down on the floor, determined to seek out that vast unknown that had made itself felt a few minutes before.
oOo
Where am I?
Only when you figure that out will you be where you're supposed to be.
Anakin grumbled to himself. He'd been wandering for what seemed like hours. His hard-learned patience was starting to wear thin. He'd meant what he'd said about Obi-Wan not using that sort of trick psychology on him much, but now he was completely frustrated because, given by a vision or not, he sensed that the words were true. He'd tried to work them through, but only ended up with this bit of dubious reasoning: If I'm in the Crystal Cave (and where else could I be?) then I'm supposed to be here.
Not even remotely helpful.
He turned yet another corner, and found himself face-to-face with another vision. He groaned, but readied himself. At least he recognized this one on sight. He'd met the black-robed Sith not just during his first journey to the Crystal Cave, but many times since then in his dreams. Many of his boxes had been filled with the vision of this creature killing Obi-Wan.
And that should tell you something, a far-off part of his mind whispered.
Anakin resisted the urge to draw his unfinished lightsaber as the Sith turned, its own weapon already ignited.
"Your master, my master," it said.
'Not this again. Look, get some better material or get out of my way. I have a lightsaber to fashion."
You already have a finished weapon, that same corner of his mind said.
"Padawan mine, don't you understand who I am yet?'
Anakin scowled. "If you're trying to make me think you're Obi-Wan, it won't work. He would never turn to the Dark Side."
"He might. If someone he loved led the way."
Anakin laughed. "You don't know him at all." His hand had dipped to his belt and come up with his ignited lightsaber before he could even think. Blinking, he stared at the glowing blade. "But I haven't…"
His eyes widened. "Oh." A wave of self-recrimination, accompanied by undercurrents of shame and stupidity, threatened to drown him. This, at least, he knew how to deal with. He breathed it out. "I'm not here. I have no need to be here. Last I knew, I was in the Temple undergoing my-" He turned, and, right behind him, he saw the door (only a door in his mind, he reminded himself) that he'd had to come through to get into this vision in the first place. Glancing back at the Sith, he said, "You're not real. This was a just a test to remind myself of the power of the mind to create distractions. Only the Force is the true path, and those things we create in our own minds can be helpers or distractions on that path."
The Sith said, "You can't know who I am. All my hints don't do any good. You're too stupid. How un-Jedi-like."
That last phrase sent chills through Anakin. As far as he knew, even though the sentiment was shared by every Jedi, only Obi-Wan put the words together in that way. And even though he used the phrase occasionally within the hearing of others, no one had yet to pick it up. Well, except me, but that's because I'm his padawan and how can I help it? We've been together for so long that I've probably picked up a lot of his sayings and movements without realizing it.
Then he forced himself to remember that he was in a vision of, basically, his own design. He turned to the door, touched the knob, and was through. Again, he stood before the doors.
Instead of heading straight to the next one, he sank down in a meditative posture before them and concentrated on his breathing. He let go of considerations regarding how long he'd probably wasted in that first vision. He also let go of the questions the visions of Obi-Wan and the horror of the imaginary Sith had raised. He would bring them to Obi-Wan when this was all over.
All of them? asked that little voice. Even the ones about your weakness?
No, I- Then he stopped. His need to hide his weakness from Obi-Wan still drove him, but he was forced to acknowledge that what he saw as impossible could happen in the Force. All of them, if that's what I have to do to serve the Force.
With this admission, an enormous weight rolled off his shoulders. He stood. There was only one more door. He could have sworn he'd been facing at least three or four. Where had the others gone?
Doesn't matter, he decided. Whatever I'm facing, it won't become less or more if I just keep looking at it.
He opened the second door, mentally preparing himself for whatever might be waiting.
He blinked when he saw a Jedi sitting on the edge of a high cliff, his legs dangling in empty space. Anakin approached slowly, ordering himself not to forget that he was really just inside his own mind. Then the door closed behind him, and he did forget, for an instant.
Then the Jedi's head turned towards him, and Anakin was shocked to see that while the Jedi had hair and ears, and looked normal from the neck down, he had only indentions of puckered skin where his eyes, nose and mouth should have been.
This isn't real, the padawan thought in shock. He almost laughed at himself when he remembered that none of it was real, that he was still in the Temple. Stepping closer, he crouched a couple meters away. "My name's Anakin. Who are you?" Wait. How will it be able to talk if it doesn't have a mouth?
But the vision could speak, and clearly. His voice reminded Anakin of none of those he knew. "No one understands how much I know. I could change the universe- or at least the Jedi Order- if they'd only listen to me." He stood. "You'll know what I mean, Chosen One, even if you never really become all that you're meant to be. You, too, are powerful beyond measure, and yet you're still a padawan."
"I won't be a padawan much longer," Anakin said.
"True, but it will take you many long years to become a member of the Council, or even a master."
"Obi became a master the day he became a knight."
"And you think that's normal?" The faceless Jedi shook his head violently. "What a child you are!"
"Well, maybe I don't want to be a master right away. I want to enjoy being on my own, maybe."
"No you don't. You want to be with Obi-Wan, equal to Obi-Wan. And you can't be either of those things until you're a master yourself. And by the time you're a master, he'll be on the Council. You'll always be playing catch-up." He laughed bitterly. "Can't you fell the frustration I'm talking about? No matter what you do, he'll always be better, if not in abilities, than in the eyes of the rest of the Order."
Like a child removing the cornerstone in a tower of blocks, these words brought down a barrage of memories. Anakin remembered blurting out, on more than one occasion, how everything was Obi-Wan's fault, and how, in many ways, he'd already surpassed Obi-Wan. He remembered complaining that Obi-Wan was holding him back. Where had all those feelings gone?
"They were swallowed up in your love for him," the faceless figure answered, "but they never went away, and they are still all true."
"He's not holding me back. I'm about to become a knight."
"You could have been a knight last year if he hadn't gone away and forgotten you."
"He didn't forget me!" Anakin's cheek flushed and his heartbeat had doubled. There was no thought yet of calming himself. "He needed to heal!"
"A true Jedi doesn't need to heal; the Force tends them even as the wounds are made." The apparition turned back to the empty air. "Have you ever thought about ending all that frustrates you?"
Anakin took a step closer. "By killing myself? Never."
"I never said you had to kill yourself."
"But isn't that the symbolism of the cliff you're sitting on?"
"Obi-Wan's taught you too much about symbolism and not enough about yourself. He makes you think you're weak and that you're lucky to have him as a master. Don't you know how much power lives in your very blood? What would be wrong with using that power to move yourself forward, to make yourself equal with him? The real reason Qui-Gon left and was gone for so long isn't because the Council sent him away for a time, or even because the Force called him. The real reason he left was because he couldn't see Obi-Wan as an equal, no matter how much he tried. He liked the idea of raising a padawan in his own image and under his shadow, but when Obi-Wan started to get his own ideas, Qui-Gon felt uneasy. He realized he couldn't have a devotee any longer, and that what he'd wanted, in his heart, was not a tag-along who might, in a decade or more, at last become close to equaling him, but a pet, someone he could endlessly teach and raise and guide in his own ways." A soft chuckle. "I can sense the anger within you, Anakin. Why don't you just let it go? Do that, and you'll gain all the power and replace all the time you've lost following stupid, groundless rules. You can never have Obi-Wan as an equal partner. You can surpass him, make him subject to your power, but you can never be equals. In his heart, he will always see you as a padawan, and unless you accomplish more than he ever could, you'll always see him as wiser, better than you."
"I don't want to hear this." Anakin turned, thinking to find the door and get out, but the door wasn't there.
"You have to face me," the Jedi-vision told him.
Not really a Jedi, Anakin thought, turning back. A Jedi would never act like this. Strengthened by that knowledge, he said, "I don't need to listen to any of what you say. I know the truth. Obi-Wan and I are equals. We've been that way for years."
"Who tells you so? Obi-Wan? Ask him sometime who he would rather have in a battle: you or Yoda. He'll choose Yoda because Yoda is greater than you are."
"Of course he's a better fighter- for now. But I'll learn."
"You don't need to learn. You already know everything you need. If you would just trust that, no one could hold you back."
He was reminded of something the Force had sent him: the assertion that his little bit of trust was enough to save Obi-Wan. Could the same be said for his power and strength? What he considered to be only a little of each might be enough to accomplish anything and everything he'd ever dreamed.
And what have you dreamed? asked that small voice in his mind, only now it sounded like Obi-Wan's gentle murmur.
To be with Obi-Wan.
And that's all?
Of course not. He'd dreamed of defeating a hundred starfighters while he flew a solo mission.
"You could do that," said the faceless Jedi. "You're already an accomplished pilot and your weapons knowledge is matched by very few."
He'd dreamed of being on the Council. Even of being in Yoda's position, leading all the Jedi in the way he thought it was best to go.
The way you think is best? asked that frustratingly Obi-like voice.
"You could do that," the vision said. "You already know what's best for most of the Republic; it's instinctive with you. You know all the steps you need to take to make the galaxy a better place for those you care about, as well as for yourself, and even for the billions of sentients you have yet to meet. I don't need to tell you of all the changes you want to make; you can think of all those yourself. Starting with getting Obi-Wan out of the Senate, and progressing from there."
He dreamed of coming home after a long day of working with the Council and the Republic, and finding Obi-Wan waiting for him. Obi-Wan, who had meditated all day, or painted or sculpted, or told stories to younglings or who had simply slept the day away as he waited for his lover to come home.
I thought you didn't want to see me as a whore. That vision horrified you only a few minutes ago. What's changed?
Anakin blinked. I never want you to be a slave, and definitely not a whore. I just want you waiting for me and-
You want me to put the will of the Force on hold.
Only so you can do all the things you've always wanted to do, but didn't have the time for. Anakin's hands were shaking. He realized he wasn't really talking to Obi-Wan, but the voice in his head sounded so real that it was as if he could see his master's disapproving scowl.
Anakin, listen to yourself. You want to be in charge of the Council, of the Senate, or the Republic. Isn't that the only way you think you'll get your way? Tell me something: who do you think you sound like? Do you sound like a Jedi?
I could be a Jedi with a vision of galactic peace. If you had this vision, the Council wouldn't have any problem with it.
'Galactic peace' isn't the will of the Force.
Well, maybe it should be! His breathing was coming faster. Look, I know you're not really Obi-Wan, but just listen to me for a moment as if you were.
No, Anakin, you listen. You demand all these things to work out 'for the best', as you see that phrase. Stop being self-centered and look at all the beings and worlds around you who need help. And you think you can help them by controlling their lives? Not even the Council, which guides us, controls us. Some are more sensitive to the Council's suggestions than others, but not even in matters of great importance does the Council command anything.
They would have jailed Qui-Gon if they'd learned about your love affair at the wrong time. Isn't that commanding?
Or Qui-Gon could have left the Order, or he could have argued his case. That example doesn't work, Anakin, because it never happened. Think of a time the Council commanded anything.
Anakin fished for one, discounted it, found another, gave up on that one as well. He shook his head just as violently as the faceless Jedi had at the beginning of this particular Trial. That's not important. What's important is that I'm stronger than anyone realizes, and that they're all holding me back. From Obi-Wan to Yoda, none of them want me to become truly powerful because then their positions would be threatened!
What does position matter to a Jedi? Following the Force alone matters. The voice that could have been Obi-Wan's fell silent, then asked, What is your truest desire, Anakin? Tell me that, if you can.
I want- I want- A score of answers came to him, but each wasn't everything he wanted, being instead a manifestation of one part of his desire.
Around him, a soft song began to grow. At first, he thought it was the song Obi-Wan had sung before the pyre, but gradually he realized that though it was Obi-Wan's voice, he was chanting instead of singing, chanting the syllables Anakin had heard the night before.
Right before he left me alone to go be with Reeft. I know that's where he was; he basically admitted as much. What were they doing? Were they talking? Touching? Kissing? His jealousy rose like a red tide, and he had no one near to calm him, and no desire to truly be calmed.
But the chanting persisted, and as it did, he could at last understand the words he hadn't known that morning. Though he still didn't know the language, and though the words sound strange to his ears, his heart spoke the right language and told him, Work for peace. The Jedi Way. Work for life. Never resting. Work for love. Never ceasing. Love for all. No love I seek. Love for all. Some given free. To me.
Anakin's jealousy was dwarfed by the power of these words, because even though it was Obi-Wan's voice that spoke them, Anakin knew that it was his own voice, too, that these words, chanted before his Trials and meant to strengthen him, were already inside him. They were often blocked, but they lived inside him like his own heart.
His jealousy didn't go, but he saw through its thinning veil to the core of what he really wanted. Beyond power, beyond safety for his loved ones or strength for himself, he longed to be a servant of the Force, in whatever capacity the Force saw fit. And the moment this realization crossed his mind, he knew he was ready to leave back through the door. Even if he wasn't perfect, his one, true, uncomplicated longing was the same for him as it was for Obi-Wan, for Yoda, for all Jedi. He wanted to follow the Force.
Turning, he looked for the faceless Jedi, but he was alone. Shaking his head, wondering in the back of his mind if he would be able to remember this one true desire when all this was over, Anakin moved to the door, opened it and stepped back out into the dimness before the doors. He pivoted to face them, curious to see if there would be another now that he'd cleared the first two. There wasn't.
Does that mean I'm done? Are my Trials over? He felt a wave of disappointment and a nervous tightening in his stomach. It was hard, and I made a lot of mistakes, but is it really over so soon? And if it is, how do I know if I passed? He'd figured he would know if he passed or not when the Trials were over. What sort of anticlimactic, confusing business was this?
Then he felt a disturbance in the Force, so like a nearby explosion that his hands went to his ears and he squeezed his eyes shut instinctively.
But as the feeling intensified, he opened his eyes. Finding himself back in the meditation room, he scrambled to his feet and left the room. Jogging down the corridor, he followed the disturbance. It wasn't like anything he'd felt before because even though he could feel its power, and he instinctively regarded it as dangerous, he couldn't sense any Dark or Light Force in it. Shaken by this but unwilling to stop and try to figure the answer out, he kept going.
Then the disturbance cleared somewhat and he saw, a vision from the Force, Obi-Wan. He guarded three huddled younglings. His hands were out, as though he was trying to reason with the figure that stood not far away. Anakin stared at the towering, black-robed Sith, and his stomach knotted. Didn't Obi-Wan see the red-bladed lightsaber? Why didn't he take his weapon out? No Sith could be reasoned with!
Then, his mental tone incredulous, There can't be a Sith in the Temple! Master Yoda would have sensed it. And how did it get all the way to his quarters? He saw the bookshelf behind Obi-Wan, where the younglings huddled. Then he spotted the open balcony doors and realized the Sith must have come in that way. But how did it corner them? He watched Obi-Wan's lightsaber spring to life, and all questions flew from his mind. The why and the wherefore could be dealt with later. All that mattered now was that Obi-Wan needed him.