Broadcast Range
by Rob Morris
APRIL, 2001, FRANCE
PERSONAL JOURNAL, HANK SUMMERS
I hate myself for turning away her calls. I am still a man very much haunted by that waking nightmare I had about my daughter. In it, a selfish asshole that looked and spoke like me dumped on Buffy, telling her the divorce was all on her. Like her mother's attempts at control had no part in it.
Joyce never liked having control. She liked asserting control. There is a difference. You have control over those things of your own life, and those ceded by others. Joyce gave so damned much of herself, I never disputed vacation destinations, dinner guests, my weekend chores or agendas. I gave up those portions of my life because she knew how to manage them--period. But once on vacation, for example, if I wanted to see Show X, she *had* to see Museum Y, and if I didn't confront her--well, I was being difficult. That was asserting control. Once, I came home drunk, and I told her that I would, apologized in advance for the needs of that particular client, and kept it quiet when I came in. Went for the couch, even. But a neighbor saw me stagger, once that evening. It was almost as though Joyce was more fearful about hearing from the neighbor than she was about a repeat performance. Early on, Buffy's new principal in Sunnydale had Joyce in a similar snit. When you try to lock in appearances, that is asserting control. That was always poor Joyce's specialty, and her bane, because she usually backed off, apologizing, when the attempt went sour.
Buffy was not at fault for the divorce, but she played a part, in her own way. When that school gym went up in flames, it was obvious to me that something else was going on. If Joyce hadn't stuck blinders on, she would have noticed that the police and the school authorities were offering up as much doublespeak as Buffy, if not more. I think when I saw my wife buy those damned tapes, I knew. You have to hear *Be Firm In Your No* from a paid expert? I contacted my lawyer very soon afterwords.
Mind you again, Joyce was not a control freak. That was not her problem. She was willing to negotiate. But she always wanted to expand her control into new areas. Again, she would always negotiate, fairly and in good faith. Yet everytime Buffy or I had a new hobby, there she was. Maybe I should have fought harder to include her, okay. But why was she so shocked when our very teened daughter wanted to do certain things on her own? Was her stomach bulging? Were her eyes puffy, did we smell smoke, or liquor? As to being withdrawn, that was a shocker. I mean, a withdrawn teenager. My heart palpitates to consider it. Pardon mon sarcasm.
I was never and could never be one of those idiot exes, screaming about this horrendous person I divorced. Not me, and not about Joyce. But I now think that living in that place had driven her insane, just before she died. A child-support formula that suddenly tripled, without my lawyer even being called? What, am I Judd Hirsch on 'Dear John'? Stories about someone I've never met, yet am supposed to have always known? I have to stay away from Sunnydale, from now on, though it tears my heart out to do so. Because now Buffy is sending the exact same kind of letters. It must be grief, or outright insanity.
You see, no matter how many times I read the letters, I know a certain fact to be true. My Buffy has so very many wonderful qualities.
But she does not have a younger sister.