Chapter 37: And Then There's Loghain

Brother Genitivi was gone. A dwarven trader by the name of Tegrin was making his way back to Denerim and the brother elected to travel with him. It was just Alistair and Starr near her fire as they finished cleaning up. Alistair was quiet, thinking about the conversation and debate a few nights before. Something had bothered him at the time, and now he realized what it was. "Starr," he said quietly, "why didn't you use Loghain as your example the other night? When you talked about evil."

Starr was surprised, and had to think a minute. She looked at Alistair's face as he concentrated on banking the fires for the night and realized what he was referring to. Reluctantly she answered him even though she knew he wouldn't like it. "I don't know. I know his actions have been wrong, even horrific. The consequences . . . Ferelden has known better times. I don't think even Loghain expected this."

"Ferelden has known better times?" As quietly as they had been speaking in order to not disturb the rest of camp, he couldn't keep his voice from rising with sarcasm as he repeated her statement. "That's a bit of an understatement, don't you think? Of course his actions were wrong. Why isn't letting your king and son-in-law fall to darkspawn evil?"

"I didn't say his actions were right. But I don't know his intent. Loghain was a hero, and I remember something Teagan said about Loghain and the Bannorn shortly after Ostagar. He was telling them that everything he did was for Ferelden. He wasn't going to shirk his duty nor would he let anybody else shirk theirs. What if he really meant that? I can't help thinking that if he really thought his actions protected Ferelden then he's delusional and to be pitied. One day, he's going to look in the mirror and see Maric and Rowan looking back at him in horror."

Alistair glared at her, "Pitied! You sound like you're ready to excuse what he did!"

Starr glared right back at him and whispered harshly, "Don't you dare put words in my mouth, Alistair Theirin. His actions were and are reprehensible; there is no changing them and no excuse. But I am not going to call him evil without knowing more, evil is too strong a word for me to use carelessly, especially about somebody who used to be Maric's friend and helped free us from the Orlesians."

Ostagar was still too fresh a wound; he couldn't talk anymore about this. "I'm going to patrol the camp." Alistair got up and walked away.

Starr looked after him for a moment, her expression pensive, then finished what little had to be done before retiring to their tent. She wrote in her journal for a bit and waited for Alistair to come back. Finally, she gave up and tried to go to sleep, but the tent seemed so large and empty without him. The silence seemed to mock her as she lay there.

Alistair checked the camp automatically, noting without paying conscious attention that everything was as it should be. His mind filled with thoughts of Ostagar, Duncan, Cailan and all the others lost that night. He sat down at one end of camp where he could see everything and let his thoughts go back in time. He had tried to avoid thinking about it, but not any longer. He had no idea how long he sat there before he finally reached, if not peace then at least an accord with his memories.

When he stood up, he had to stretch before he could walk properly and make his way home, "I've been out here a long time. I better be quiet so I don't wake Starr." He very carefully entered their tent and removed his armor. He slid into the bedroll and wrapped his arms around the woman he loved and felt the peace that had eluded him earlier.

"S-stair?" her voice hiccupped as she said his name before rolling over to bury her face in his chest.

"Who else?" he teased, then added quietly, "I didn't mean to wake you, love. I was thinking and just lost track of time."

"I was beginning to wonder if you were coming back at all tonight. You were so angry when you left," Starr admitted, sniffling.

Stunned, Alistair tightened his hold on her. "I love you, Starr; of course I was coming back. I was only angry with you for a few minutes, but even if it was more, I would still return. We had an argument; we'll probably have more. You have to trust me."

"I do, Stair, I do. And I love you too. I just, oh, this is going to sound so stupid. These past few weeks have been so perfect, I've been so happy, sometimes I've felt it wasn't real and that I was going to wake up and we would just be friends again. I don't want to go back to that, it would hurt too much," she confessed.

"Good thing that's not going to happen, then," he whispered back, then smirked. "You know what you just said don't you? I am the man of your dreams."

"No, even better," she corrected him; "you're the man of my reality." And she moved on top of him and kissed him slowly. If they didn't sleep that night, neither complained the next day.