Yuuri's free skate music this season is Yoko Shimomura's Somnus. Let's pretend is as long as a free skate song should be, and that it's written for him :)

He didn't sleep well that night. His inner unrest proved itself to be more uncomfortable than any hard hotel mattress he'd ever slept on. No matter how much tossing and turning, switching positions and vigorous pillow fluffing he engaged himself in, the feeling wouldn't subside. Of course, why would it?

He had hurt him. Because of his tactlessness, his craving for privacy that made made him act out of pure selfishness. He hated it, that he had put him in a situation he couldn't control, one he wasn't ready for. A lot of people had called him thoughtless, egocentric, vapid. And in truth, maybe he was. At least before. Ever since they'd met, Victor liked to see it as Yuuri smoothing down all those edges. Those sharp, rougher sides of him that people who knew him well had trouble with. Yuuri had taught him a lot, with him wearing his heart on his sleeve, demanding patience and understanding in a way he wasn't used to. Living with him, relating to him, marrying him, all of that played crucial stepping stones in his own personal development and levelling him down in the process.

And now, he'd more or less made a promise he had to keep. By being weak and stepping out of his bubble in a seemingly thoughtless moment. But he had felt sincere when he said it, he wanted to make it better. To mend him, console him. To be forgiven somehow. But realising the impact of his words made him tense. The understanding that he would face one of his greatest fears in a matter of hours, letting people approach him in a way he wasn't ready for… The mere thought made him feel sick. Inside him, he knew that a lot was riding on it. On him being there and pulling through. For him. For Yuuri.

He turned to his side and reached for his phone, fiddling with the power button in the dark. Three hours left until they would have to get up. Three hours until the start of a day he was sure that he would love to forget by the end of it. Maybe even earlier. He put down his phone on the nightstand with a soft sigh. He looked to his right, barely making out Yuuri's face in the absence of light. He scooted a little closer, being just close enough to put his nose in his hair. To stroke his cheek. He turned over to his side again, having his back against him. Maybe, this is love. What it's really about. Giving, even when it feels impossible. Enduring when it hurts. Staying, when you want to run.

He jerked, slightly startled, when he felt an arm around his waist. He huffed a little at his own reaction. He touched the arm, trying to find hand it ended with. It was warm and limp. Totally relaxed, not having a care in the world. He tugged at the hand slightly, pulling it up to his lips. He whispered, hoping that the fingers pressed against his lips could keep his secret. "Even though I want to, I won't run. I'll be there for you."

The morning was slow, with the shared shower, the shared breakfast. The silent procedure of getting ready, getting prepared. They were tapping into each other. Both being somber, relying more on actions than words. Supporting each other, but needing different kinds of favors.

Yuuri's tension diminished with every hour, getting closer to the time of reckoning. The free skate. He could do this, with every passing minute, he became sure. Every touch from Victor added to a calm that was building, accumulating. Every moment they shared made him feel more certain, more confident. Every small interjection, whether he was telling him to concentrate, continue, ease up, elongate, push, pull… He could feel it inside. The calm from before, before all this, before the endless nightmare that was theirs. He carried him inside, hearing his voice delivering admonitions in the way only he could with every movement on the ice. He was sustained, knowing that he was there. Looking at him. Just like before.

Victor's tension, on the other hand, grew. Exponentially, with every hour. The morning practise, he endured. The run-through of the free skate made his knees weak. The warm-ups made him sick to his stomach. When they stood together, waiting for Yuuri's name to be called, he wanted to leave. He was about to, feeling his muscles tense up in a building panic. Vibrating underneath layers of clothes. Every little part of him telling him to go, run, protect the last piece of his secret puzzle he had decided to never put down on the table.

But he didn't run. He was battling himself. Feeling heart and mind waging a devastating war. No matter the outcome, one of them would be battered and bruised. It was either him or Yuuri.

"When I'm out there," Yuuri said, almost too low for him to register although he was standing right behind him, "don't look at anything else. Keep looking at me." He gave him the briefest of looks, over his shoulder. "Just keep your eyes on me."

They had a silent agreement, and he broke it by asking him to turn around. To face him. Delivering a kiss that screamed everything between desperation and devotion. Feeling it being answered, reciprocated with the same urgency, made him choose. He chose Yuuri.

It was devastating letting go, gain space and losing the taste of him. Feeling him evaporate from his mouth. He wanted more of him, to have him close. But Yuuri needed to get out there, to sate his need, to shed the last veil of his anxiety.

Yuuri's name echoed in the speakers, making Victor sigh. The sooner he could get back, the better. The quicker he, on the other hand could let go, the sooner… No. Not now. Not now. He diverted the thought by holding on to him, trying to ground himself with the sensation of him in his hands. "Love, you're up." Having his shoulders fitting perfectly in his hands, did nothing for the building fear.

"I know. For good luck?"

Their own ritual played out once more, lips touching metal, eyes touching eyes. Hopes touching dreams as their life together as coach and student, as well as lovers and husbands, would be tested in front of an audience.

"Make me proud," he said, almost automatically.

"I will never stop."

I know.

They made the short walk together, to the entrance of the ice. Victor was ready with an outstretched hand as Yuuri took off his skate guards and handed them over. He noticed that it trembled, but closing his fingers around them made it a little easier to cope with the realisation.

"I'm afraid, Yuuri," he whispered when he closed his fingers around them even tighter, seeing Yuuri step out on the ice.

"I'll be with you in just a few minutes." He tugged a little at the lapel of his coat. "Just look at me."

With that, he watched him take off, stand in position. Waiting for the music to start.

'It's what I want for you!'

The memory of that evening made perfect sense. Every word, every emotion. Seeing Yuuri, all that he had become during the months that passed, just came together for him. Still being that soft, fragile individual off the ice but turning into something else while being on it, something he realised that he'd missed by not standing by his side. He was thankful, being able to see that. Being able to face his fears to see that… he would be okay. Once they were to be separated, he would be okay. Maybe you don't understand it yourself yet but this, this routine… it's not as much what you want for me but rather… what I want. For you. Thank you, Yuuri. For showing me this.

He tried to concentrate. Only keep him in his mind, rest his eyes on him to stifle the building anxiety. Keep him and his movements in focus as a seemingly never ending step sequence was followed by a spin combination. He tried to see his face, tried to see the emotions behind his movements that were so obvious to him, screaming with every raised arm, flick of the hip and sway in his back.

Yes, he was fighting too. Victor wasn't sure what was going through Yuuri's mind when he skated, that was something he'd never asked because he considered the inner flame, the one that spurred Yuuri on and every skater in history that had danced across the ice, to be sacred. Private. If he was to transform the motion into words, or at least try, he would say that he was witnessing a pained sendoff. A celebration to what once was and a trembling uncertainty if what was to come. But there was hope in the movements too, something comforting.

That the dawn will be visible through the darkness.

It stung behind his eyelids as he realised that he wasn't going to do the planned spin before the end of the program. Of course, he wanted to show him, pay tribute to him. Make him understand that all is not lost. So, the quadruple flip didn't come as a surprise. More like a sad reminder that their skating was much like their relationship. A giving and a taking. A push and a pull. Alternately taking the lead, alternately following. Depending on who was the stronger one in the moment, depending on who was yearning for respite.

Today, it's you. You're carrying me. He couldn't hold back as the thought exploded in his head. Feeling ready to let himself lean a little. Just to understand what it would feel like.

"What did you think? Of today?" Yuuri's voice cut through the silence.

In truth, he didn't really know what to say. They had returned to their hotel after a bewildering couple of hours. To Victor, he felt like he'd experienced everything standing next to himself, being outside of his body. Understanding that Yuuri had made it to the Grand Prix Final, that he'd been sitting next to him at the Kiss and Cry, that they'd met with the press… He could barely remember what had happened, what he said and what he did. But he'd pulled through it.

"I… I don't know." His response was earnest. He tried to latch on to what was clear, what he could remember. "You were amazing."

He felt Yuuri's arms grow tighter around him as they lay together, warm and slightly wet after showering. He had been amazing. The way he had given his all, really exerting himself in his free skate. The way he'd been his support afterwards, consoling him for a change.

"How are you feeling?" Yuuri kissed the side of his neck before sighing, a deep exhale that felt warm when it touched his skin. A sigh of relaxation, it seemed.

"Honestly, love, I don't know. I feel tired, I think. Spent."

"Do you think they, um… you know, thought about what you…?"

"I don't know, darling. I'd rather not think about it right now."

"They… they weren't as prodding today, I think. It's like… when you're there, it becomes different. It's like, well, I don't know." Yuuri paused, propped himself up on outstretched arms. When he was looking down at him, it seemed like a small smile was on the verge of making itself known. Underneath that curtain of wet, black hair hanging down in front of his eyes. "It's like people have respect for you, you know."

He brushed Yuuri's hair out of his face, pulled it back so that they could look at each other without distractions. He loved that part of him. How he wanted to see the best in people. That was where they differed a bit. Although that part of himself still was there to some extent, the people-person part, he couldn't help but wonder about people's ulterior motives. What they thought when they saw them together, when they saw him. Not being dressed like he used to, not making his presence known to the same extent as before. Not being himself. Yuuri might think that they respected them, him, by not asking questions but the questions were still there. Hanging like something sticky and uncomfortable by being unspoken.

Although he didn't realise it, he had protected him today. By taking the initiative, speaking with the press, the other skaters. Taking an enormous burden off his shoulders by taking center stage, making sure that everything being discussed was supposed to be about him and not his coach.

"Promise me not to tell me if they comment on… things, you know?" He knew that he wouldn't, but he wanted to ask, to make sure. That was the one thing he never wanted to hear. What others thought.

He watched Yuuri nod, a small and uncertain one. The smile that had been trying to peek out was nowhere to be seen. He could read a lot into that gesture, that facial expression, but he decided not to. He motioned for him to come close, and hummed in appreciation when he did. Sliding on top of him, resting with his head on his chest.

Maybe it was wishful thinking, but the reaction he felt when he finally dared to touch the skin of his back underneath his t-shirt didn't feel made up. He couldn't help but coo a little when his hands, finding their way underneath his underwear, made his hips flex a little. Softly digging into his own.

"I know that we've showered already," he started, watching the brown eyes narrow slightly with every word, "but is there a chance that you want to get messy? With me?"

The kiss that followed conveyed an unmistakably clear answer.

They had longed for that moment. The moment when it would only be about them, as if they were the last two men on earth. Where they could focus on nothing but themselves, drown in the pent-up need and succumb to the will the other.

Between the wet kisses and rousing sighs, they realised that it had been too long since. Too long since they honestly and wholeheartedly could seek genuine comfort, share the otherwise hard to convey intensity of emotions that coursed through them. This was nothing like the evening before, when fear had been their mistress and wanted them to give in to other feelings entirely.

"How long," Victor panted between kisses, "how long since last time? Like this?"

"Too long. I can't even remember." Yuuri's hand had no difficulties finding him, taking hold of him.

His moan couldn't match the intensity of the sadness inside, hearing Yuuri's answer. He wanted to make it memorable, for the both of them. As long as they could keep making memories, he desperately wanted them to. Needed them to. Even more so in moments like this.

With his voice getting stuck inside his throat, trying to fight the conflicting emotions, he managed to take one step in the right direction. Wanting to make a memory of his own. "Take it off. Your shirt. I need to see you, all of you."

His heart picked up pace as he felt him ease up on his grip around him. Shift slightly. Sit up straight. Seeing Yuuri's body getting revealed by the t-shirt being pulled up, over his head… He could never get enough of that sight. He needed it to get etched inside him. He needed to keep it available, readily accessible by nothing but a thought bringing it out into his conscious mind.

He concentrated on making it so. Paying attention to every single detail. How his hands felt, resting on Yuuri's thighs. How the muscles in Yuuri's abdomen stretched as his arms went over his head. How his shoulders looked when he fought with his t-shirt. How his hair became tousled, how he could see him arching his back before his arms became still against his sides. How he rubbed against him by doing so, stretching out and relaxing. How his breathing picked up being on top of him, making his stomach rise and fall, quicker with every breath. How his dark eyes smiled at him before he came close. How he smelled, how he tasted, what he felt like underneath his hands. All the things Yuuri's body told him. All that he wanted to answer in return.

"Victor, I…" His voice sounded muddled against his lips. It was hard to tell if it was because of a heated desire or something else. Like uncertainty.

"Yes? Yes, love?"

It took a while to get an answer. It had to be brought out by small nibbles, eager hands and ragged breaths. But when it finally came, it was worth the wait. It was worth more than anything. To hear him say those words, at least once.

Yes, this was a memory he knew wanted to keep, one he never wanted to forget. One he would cherish for the rest of his time breathing, thinking and feeling.

When the moment was over, when they were collapsed on top of each other feeling nothing by the indescribable high that can only be shared between lovers, it came natural to him. To tell him what he had hoped he would be able to at least one more time, ever since he was dealt the hand that fate had in store for him.

"Yuuri? Love?"

"Mmh…"

"Happy birthday."