Fifty Grades Harder Chapter 17

Anastasia's POV

Christian was lying on my couch, facing me, as I worked. He had spent about half an hour watching me before he fell asleep. I found myself constantly looking at him. He didn't have a blackout this time and that was progress, but I was worried about him. He said he was coming to see me, and that's what we needed, but when he found out I was busy he went to IT instead.

I was thankful Andrea had told me of his failed visit the moment my call ended. It didn't take Taylor long to find Christian in the server room. I thought at first he was just doing something Barney had asked him to, but no, he was lost and trying to find his way. Christian's honestly was amazing and I tried to fix his problem. I hoped I helped him, but all that mattered right now was that he was in my office where I could watch over him.

My phone rang.

"Steele."

"I have the Deputy Prime Minister of India on the line," Andrea said, "do you want to take it?"

No, I didn't.

"I'll take it, thank you, Andrea."

I hung up the phone and watched Christian sleeping for a moment before I picked the phone back up and took the call. I turned away from Christian and looked out the window.

"Deputy Prime Minister, this is Anastasia Steele of Steele International, how can I assist you?"

"Firstly, we would like to offer our sympathy for what happened to you. We were very shocked when we heard the news of the accident."

I closed my eyes. I had heard this several times already today and I just wanted it to end.

"Get to the point, we both know this isn't a social call."

"Very well, Miss Steele. You assured us that your plan wouldn't affect our telecommunication and IT industries, yet it has. Every day we have companies pulling their business from us and taking it to the US."

Yes, that's because I wanted to do everything on our soil, I didn't care if it cost extra.

"I never promised you that. Our deal focused on fixing your poverty issue, nothing else."

"Yet you're taking jobs from us, you're putting people out on the street with no money to survive."

"I refuse to believe that the small amount of business I've pulled from you has had such an effect. I've seen how your industries work, they support many different companies, losing one or two isn't going to put anyone on the street. Let's cut the shit. You're not happy that I'm doing my business elsewhere, you're not used to that. Your IT industry alone is bringing in one hundred billion US dollars, I'm not even creating a dent. So, buck the fuck up, or I'll pull the funding I'm providing for your many leading poverty organizations."

I hung up the phone, pissed. What the hell was that? It was such a waste of my time. I turned back to Christian and he looked to be in pain. Everything else could wait. I went over to him and sat on the couch in front of him. Had he heard me raise my voice? He was still sleeping. My hand found its way into his hair, hoping to offer him some comfort.

I would do anything for him, I couldn't lose him. Something had happened, something had triggered him. This time it wasn't about punishment. He was worried about me, he wanted to protect me, but he couldn't. What did this have to do with his dissociative amnesia? Had Christian tried to protect someone from something and failed? His mother perhaps? It made sense. What did they do to him? They were probably still alive. I pulled out my phone and sent Welch a message.

Anastasia Steele: Get me all information on Christian's childhood, including his parents and any partners they had. I want you to dig deep. Jacklyn Hyde still takes priority though

Spencer Welch: Understood

Good, that was something. If I could find out what happened then maybe I could make sure Christian didn't blackout again. I needed more information. I considered calling Flynn, but I was done with him. I called my mother instead. I knew I should move away from Christian to have this conversation, but I couldn't leave him.

Grace answered right away. "Are you okay, Anastasia?" she asked.

"Yes, Mom, I have a question. Do you know much about dissociative amnesia?"

"Is that what Chris has?"

"How do you know about that?" Christian had told no one but me and Flynn.

"Ever since he came into the hospital," she told me, "I've been researching mental disorders trying to figure out what he has."

"Yes, he has it. I have a question. Would it be bad to bring these memories back? I mean, right now we're in the dark and he gets triggered. Wouldn't it be better to confront everything and deal with it?"

"I'm not sure," Grace said, "I'm not a psychologist, but you need to remember this, first and foremost, Anastasia, Chris' brain buried those memories, they have to be really bad for that to happen. Digging up the past may be catastrophic, but I can also understand where you're coming from. Talk to Chris about it, see what he wants to do."

That was a good idea, we were a team, but that didn't mean I couldn't have some of the information ready just in case. Hopefully Welch could find something.

"Anastasia," Grace's voice was serious and I knew what was coming.

"Call me, Ana," I said, hoping to soften what was coming my way.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes, Mom, I want you to."

"Thank you, Ana." Now she was choked up, this wouldn't be good, "I spoke to Elena."

My hand paused in Christian's hair, gripping it tightly before I realized what I was doing. I pulled away from him and sat on the floor, tipping my head back to be near him.

"She's denying everything," Grace said. "Did you lie to me, Ana?"

That bitch.

"Why would I lie about this?" I asked, trying to keep my anger in check. "And why would I choose Elena of all people to accuse? She's your closest friend, Mom, I would never do that to you if it wasn't true."

"How did it start?"

I didn't want to tell her, but I knew she needed to know, she needed to be able to make sense of it all.

"I was in the backyard one day when I heard her cursing, so I went over and checked on her. She was complaining that the gardener was sick and that the weeds were overgrown. She was upset, and I was angry, like usual. I left her, but I couldn't stop thinking about those damn weeds, so later that day, I went back and pulled them all out. Elena caught me right when I was about to leave and asked me to come inside."

I paused. Why was I telling my mother all of this? But it felt good to speak about it.

"I didn't realize it at the time," I continued, "it was just a small touch of my arm here, a laugh there. She was… grooming me. You remember how I was back then, I wouldn't give anyone the time of day, but I guess she wanted me and she spent months on me. I was only fourteen at the time. She kept finding new projects for me to work on, some out in the garden, some inside the house. Things shifted one day, I had come upstairs to tell her I was done and she… she was wearing a sheer negligee with nothing on underneath. …Mom, please, no one knows any of this, not even Christian."

There was silence.

"Mom, please say something." Still nothing. "You hate me, don't you? I knew you would. I'm sorry, Mom, I am. I should've known what she was doing, I should've stopped it once everything became clear, but I was weak and she was patient with me, she was giving me something that I wasn't getting anywhere else. It's fucked up, I know that now, but… I can't change it. Christian is helping me move on. I have cut her out of my life, I don't talk to her anymore. We're still business partners, but I'm debating whether or not cutting that tie is worth it. She can be vindictive, Mom, and I don't want to deal with any of it."

More silence.

"Mom?"

"I'm going to kill her."

"No, please don't. It's in the past, let it stay there. Just do what I did and cut her from your life, please, Mom."

"Okay, Ana, but only for you."

"Can we talk about Christian again?" I asked, turning my head to look at him. He was still sleeping soundly.

"Of course."

I paused to collect my thoughts. We both needed this shift in conversation.

"He almost had another episode today, he was feeling overwhelmed, but we talked it through and came up with some solutions."

"That's great, Ana. Communication and honesty is the key here and it sounds like Christian really understands what's going on. It's his head, but you can be blind to these things. It's good he's so aware."

"What about sleeping?" I asked. "He said he just wanted to lay down and then he fell asleep. He's in a deep sleep right now. Is that okay? Should I be waking him up?"

"No, don't wake him. Rest is good. When we sleep, our brain doesn't shut off, it actually works through any problems we have. Let him sleep and wake up on his own, that's what's best for him, and it sounds like he knew that, that's why he laid down."

"What do I do, Mom? I don't want him to have another blackout."

"Just keep an eye on him. As I said, he seems very aware, and he's willing to talk to you about what's going on. Keep supporting him. I'll do some more research on it, but I would strongly advise against forcing these memories back before we know more. Talk to Chris about it, sweetie."

"Thanks, Mom, I'll talk to you later."

"Ana, wait… Do you think, umm... We still have family dinner every Sunday night, do you think you could try and make it? We miss you."

I tensed. That was my old life, the life I was trying to get away from. I knew they were my family, but that house and Mia, Elena too, it just wasn't worth it, not when I had been making so much progress lately. I turned and ran my hand through Christian's hair again.

"I'm not sure, Mom, I'm really busy here and I have Christian to worry about."

"It's okay," she said, "you don't need to explain yourself to me, Anastasia."

Anastasia.

If only I could do this on my own terms.

"What about brunch?" I asked. "Just you and me."

There was silence.

"What about your father and Chis?" she asked.

I could probably handle that.

"And Elliot?" she added.

That was fine too, I would like to get a weekly checkup on him, make sure Jacklyn hadn't fucked him up.

"And Mia?" she asked.

Fuck no, that's where I drew the line.

"Mom, I can't."

"She's your sister, Ana, and you have to remember that you were horrible to her too."

I knew that, but it didn't mean I had to subject myself to her though.

"I never did understand why you two went at it so much," Mom said.

Was she serious? Mia had told me countless times growing up why she didn't like me.

"She hated me, Mom. She was your only daughter and then I came into the picture and I didn't talk and you put all of your efforts into me. I'm not saying that you ignored her as I don't know what your relationship was like before I arrived, but she felt like I was replacing her. She let me know that I was your number two at every chance she got, it pissed me off, so of course I bit back at her. I would never be passive again after what I went through."

"I'm sorry-"

I cut her off. "I really don't want to hear it, Mom. I don't blame you, I actually thank you for taking me in. I have no idea where I'd be right now if you hadn't. You gave me a chance and not everyone gets that."

"Yeah and look what good that did," Mom said, "you struggled from day one until you started doing work for Elena… Oh, Ana, what did she do to you? How did she manage to change your behavior when no one else could?"

"Mom, please. I've already given you way too many details, please don't dig any deeper. The truth won't change anything, just know that I'm happy now and that Christian is teaching me how things really work in relation to sex and relationships. Elena fucked me up, yes, but Christian is righting all of that. I will be okay, Mom. I can be normal, I believe that now and it's all because of his love."

"Oh, Ana," she was crying now and it hurt to hear, "I'm so glad you found him."

"Me too, Mom. I really need to go, text me about brunch. I'm free on Saturday and Sunday, just you and me first and then maybe we can expand the group. I might bring Christian with me, it will depend on how I'm feeling."

"Of course, Ana, I will text you later on. Have a good day at work, baby girl."

She hung up and I just sat there. It had been too long since she had called me her baby girl. It was one thing Mia absolutely hated. I expected the negativity to come, for Mia's harsh words to assault me, but there was nothing, just love between a mother and daughter. It was good.

I got off the floor and kissed Christian's head before going back over to my desk, checking my calendar. Everything could be done from here via phone except for one meeting. I picked up my phone and dialed Andrea's number.

"Miss Steele?"

"This meeting I have in half an hour with Stacey Brennan, can it be pushed off? Or I can do a video call. Yes, let's do that."

"Miss Steele, I…"

"Spit it out, Andrea."

"I would advise against that," she said. "Stacey is in the building, you can't video call her, that shows you don't care about your employees' time." Right. "Let me reschedule it for tomorrow."

Silence overtook us, but Andrea didn't dare hang up.

"Thank you, Andrea."

I heard her gasp from here. I hung up the phone.

Before Christian I really didn't care about anyone else. I was closed off, completely cutthroat. Only my goals mattered, but he was changing how I looked at things. I loved him, I cared for him, he was the most important thing in my life and he loved so freely. He got along with everyone he met. I saw how people were drawn to him, how they listened to him. I wanted that. Maybe not in the same capacity, but I could try. I already have been, like with my coffee and chef idea, but I had been too afraid to implement them.

I picked up my phone and hit the button for Andrea.

"Yes, Miss Steele?"

"Andrea, please go ahead and look into hiring a full-time chef and full-time barista for the office, as discussed."

"Yes, Miss Steele." I could hear the excitement in her voice.

I hung up the phone.

I wouldn't say working here was tough, but I could make it better for my employees.

Christian was still sleeping, so I got back to work. Five o'clock came around and he was still asleep. I wondered whether or not I should wake him. He had been asleep for two hours now. I decided to leave him. I still had some work to catch up on, so I did that. I looked to him every minute, wanting to leave as soon as he woke up. Five-thirty came and there was a knock at my door. I checked the camera, it was Andrea.

"Come in."

She walked in and her eyes went straight to Christian on the couch before she looked back at me.

"Is he okay?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Oh, good. I saw him come in with you earlier and then I just assumed he left when I wasn't looking."

"Andrea, focus." This is why I didn't like to be too friendly with my employees, it made me approachable and I didn't do small talk. I knew I needed to change that, but now wasn't the time to start.

Andrea sat down and we went through today and then my schedule for tomorrow, making some small changes. She told me that shifting Stacey's appointment with me from today until tomorrow was met with joy, something about it being a better time for her. I didn't care, but I needed to. My eyes went to Christian. I knew this change would be good for me and Steele International, but I wondered if I really needed to make it. I had Christian, what more did I need?

I should just hire him as the President of my company or something similar. Put him in charge of my employees and then he could take these stupid appointments, like with Stacey, out of my hands. He'd be good at it too, everyone would love him and he would make sure their needs were met. Plus, it would put him closer to me. We could even share this office, god knows it's big enough. Would he want that? I think he would. It'd be something new for him… Maybe.

"Andrea," I cut her off, "please print out the management hierarchy for Steele International and that of Halter Baron."

She faltered and I glared at her until she scurried out of my office. Maybe this is what I needed. Change took time and I needed to be cutthroat. I wouldn't be where I am today without my harshness and uncaring attitude. Maybe Christian was my balance. Andrea came running back in, handing them to me. I looked at Steele International first.

I was at the top, alone. The closest person to me was Ros, but even then, she didn't really hold any decision-making abilities. I listened to her, but my voice was the only one that counted in the end. I didn't have to answer to anyone. Halter Baron was our closest competitor and their hierarchy was completely different. I didn't really care about that because we were more successful than them, but I was searching for the link I needed.

And there it was, the Chief Operations Officer, the COO. We didn't have one of those, but Halter Baron did. I did a quick google of the position to see if it was what I was after. The Chief Operations Officer was responsible for the daily operation of the company and reported directly to the CEO. It all sounded good to me. The position provided leadership, management and vision… If that didn't fit Christian perfectly, I didn't know what did, but would he want this?

"I need a meeting with Ros ASAP tomorrow."

Andrea clicked away on her iPad. "Done."

I checked my calendar, it was scheduled for seven am tomorrow morning. I hated having to come into work earlier, but I would do it. I needed to ask Ros if she thought this was a good idea and offer her whatever she wanted in return. She liked not being in charge, so she shouldn't have an issue with any of this, but she was here when the company started and I knew goals could change. I wanted to check with her first, and ask Christian if it was even something he wanted.

"That's all, Andrea, thank you."

She left and I looked at Halter Baron's hierarchy. I felt good about this, Christian as my Chief Operations Officer. He didn't have the experience, but I didn't care. It wasn't like he was overtaking the business side, just the daily operations in this building. He would be a man of the people, someone they could actually talk to, unlike me. This would be good. I hoped he would want this position.

I was done for the day, so I shut down my computer. Christian was still sleeping, but I wanted to go home. I sat down on the coffee table and ran my hand through his hair until he stirred awake. There was my beautiful boy. His eyes were half-open and he looked confused. I leaned forward and kissed his lips.

"Are you ready to go home?" I asked him.

That woke him up. He sat up fast, rubbing his eyes.

"Is it time already?" he asked.

"It's almost six, baby." I stood up, holding out my hand, "come on, let's go."

I sent Taylor a message as we headed for the elevator.

"Wow, I must've really been out of it," he said. "What did you do for all of that time?"

"I worked, unlike you."

He smiled. Oh, how I hoped he agreed to this. I wanted nothing more than him to be my second in command, for him to share my office, or to only have a glass wall separating us. There was so much to figure out, but I decided I was going to talk to Ros first. If she didn't think I was crazy, then I could ask Christian.

"But work isn't fun," Christian pouted. Damn, that was hot.

The elevator doors opened to reveal Taylor and I was grateful for the distraction. Christian and that pout? Damn, I wanted him.

He really did hate work, hopefully it was just because he wasn't doing something that challenged him. I needed to figure it all out.

"What would be fun?" I asked. "Work-wise," I added when he got a look of desire on his face. I was dying to have sex with him again, dying.

"I don't know," he said.

Well, that wouldn't do.

"I'm giving you homework," I told him.

"What? You can't do that."

"Yes, I can, you're my employee and I'm the CEO. It's simple, Christian, I want you to find some time tonight to sit down, alone, and write down some things you want to get out of working, things you think you'd enjoy. I, for instance, love firing people."

He blanched. "Really? You love that?"

"Yes, a team is only as good as its weakest member."

"Right." He smiled. "So, why do you want this list from me?"

"It's just a project I'm working on, nothing to worry about just yet."

"Tell you what," Christian said, "I'll do this for you, but I expect a reward in return, a good one, a sexual one."

Taylor tensed in front of us, but if Christian didn't care, I didn't either.

"I can agree to those terms, and because it's a reward," I told him, "we'll go into the playroom, but I want you to plan it out, like you did in Hawaii, you were very specific then. I want that."

His smile was so beautiful and he leaned down to kiss me. "I love you, Ana."

"And I love you, baby."

He pulled back and I lightly smacked him on the ass. Taylor couldn't cover up his shocked gasp and it made me giggle, fucking giggle, which of course Christian loved.

"Maybe next time he can just meet us in the garage," Christian said, "I am your personal security now."

"He is?" Taylor asked, breaking protocol by turning to look at us.

I didn't care.

"No," I smiled, "he's not, he just likes to think he is."

Taylor turned back around.

"I would protect you," Christian said.

"You could try, but Taylor and the other guys are twice your size. Plus, I don't want that from you, boyfriend. I want more, so much more."

I took his hand in mine and kissed the back of it. I could never remember being this happy and it was all because of this wonderful man beside me.

"What's going on with you?" he whispered in my ear. "You're happy and I'm loving it."

"I just had a good day back at work, and now I'm going home with the man I love."

Fuck Jacklyn Hyde and Elena. Christian was right, they couldn't touch us unless we let them and I wasn't going to. I had the best security team and I would put my trust in them. Jacklyn may be evading us now, but she would slip up and my team would find her. In the meantime, we were safe and happy, and I wouldn't let her or anyone else destroy that. It was about time I got the happiness I had always deserved.