Chapter 37: Under A Paper Moon

Baby don't fret.
At least we're alive.
~All Time Low

I spent the morning and early afternoon on the couch, either wedged up again Ben or sandwiched between all three of the girls. Once the girls found out why I was practically comatose on the couch, they whole-heartedly agreed when Ben suggested that I not be left alone for any length of time. I had a pretty good set-up, too: Rayne drug out everyone's blankets, so whoever was sharing the couch with me was guaranteed a warm spot in front of the TV. There were plenty of snacks for those who wanted them (which wasn't me – I could barely force down a bite). We watched movies, cartoons, random police dramas . . . It was nice.

I have to say, though, that it was actually really nice to have all these people concerned about me. It's something that a lot of people took for granted – myself included – and I promised myself that I would try to treat them as special as they were to me.

But honestly, I didn't think about that until later that afternoon. All that morning, all I was trying to do was just . . . be numb. I despised the feeling of fear that had sprouted up in my chest. I was going to douse that flame real fast.

I started to feel a bit better in the afternoon. Not as good as healed, but better. Of course, that was when the only road-bump in this whole thing happened. My phone rang again. I was stuck between Rayne and Zora, so Jessi obediently got up from her spot on the other side of Rayne to grab my backpack. I dug the phone of the pocket and answered, "Hello?"

"Jink, that you?" Kate demanded.

"No, it's Jimmy Hoffa!" I retorted.

"Sorry," she said, "I went to your room to wake you up and you weren't there so I called you, and I've been searching everywhere for you . . . ."

"I came back to my place," I said. I tried to move up in my seat – the couch was trying to suction me in – and only managed to get up because Rayne gave me a nice shove. Looking around, I realized that Ben wasn't anywhere to be seen and I was trying to stand without assistance. "Had some . . . things to work out."

Fuck. Where the fuck did that man wander off to now?

Leaning on every available surface – couch, chair, wall, television – I managed to hobble to the front door. The girls gave me a look of, "Bro, what are you doing?" but I shrugged it off. I didn't want to talk to Kate in front of them.

"What kind of stuff?" Kate asked.

I stepped outside, closing the front door behind me. It had to be nearly five in the afternoon, and the sun was hidden by clouds. It was starting to snow just a little bit. Its appearance made me want to smile – over the years, I had come to love the snow. It reminded me of the few places I had called home in my lifetime.

God, I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her about Hellboy so bad. It was like a disease eating away at my insides.

But I couldn't do it over the phone. That would just be so wrong.

"Kate, we just need to talk," I sighed. "There are things that I need to tell you face-to-face that will just kill you to hear over the phone. And there will be tissues and hot cocoa and promises of not killing the messenger."

She paused, and I watched the snowflings float down to the ground. I was starting to get cold, but I didn't care. Not one bit.

"Why don't you come back now?" she asked. "I was calling to let you know that there was a new job for us in Moscow and I wanted you to come, but we have to leave tomorrow."

"I'll be there tomorrow morning, but I can't come right now."

"Why?"

Why not? "I . . . I had this . . . really bad nightmare," I managed to say. "I'm in no position to do anything but try not to puke again at the moment."

"Oh." Another pause that allowed me to gaze at the flurries. "We're heading out at nine, so try to be here by eight so we can . . . talk, alright?"

"Okay Kate. I'll be there."

"Is it . . . what was your dream about, if it's okay to ask?" she asked carefully.

It was my turn to pause. Should I tell her? Of keep it my own dark little secret? Already told Ben – what would be wrong with telling her?

The thought of explaining it all to her was already making me tired. I didn't want to talk about it now.

"Tomorrow," I promised. "I'll explain everything."

We said out good-byes and hung up. My pajama pants lacking pockets, I kept my phone clenched in my hand as I crossed my arms. I didn't want to go in yet. After feeling the cool air on my skin, the idea of going back to the warmth suddenly seemed smothering.

No matter how much I wanted to numb myself up, I still couldn't shake that dream. If I tried to close my eyes to rest for a moment, Astaroth was standing there covered in my family's blood. In the silent loneliness of the woods, I could still smell the blood and hear him speaking to me. Just the very idea made my skin crawl and my stomach churn. It made me want to go try to scrub any trace of him off my skin, but I knew it would be futile. It was all in my head.

It was just hard to keep that in mind when I couldn't stop seeing it all.

I was still standing outside when I saw a piece-of-shit blue Ford truck pull up in front of the house. It freaked me out a bit – the house was a bit of a ways from actual normal roads, so unless this person was well and truly lost he was here to do business with someone – but then Ben climbed out the driver's side door, a couple of plastic bags in his hands.

Huh. "When'd you get the truck?" I asked.

"After you trashed the car," he said. "Got a 501-T engine, and I got it for less than two grand," he added with pride.

"You know I don't speak car, right?" I smirked. "Is that good?"

"The engine alone is worth more than that," he elaborated.

A beat of silence. "What's wrong with it?"

"Broken leaf springs in the rear, shitty gas mileage, and the inside door handle on the passenger side broke off."

I struggled not to laugh. "Sounds like fun."

"Well, I can get my hands on all the right parts, so it won't take long to fix it up," he shrugged, a faint smile still on his lips, and then turned serious. "Why are you outside without a coat? It's near freezing out here."

I held up my phone. "Kate called. I brought it out here."

He walked up to where I was standing. "Yeah? What did she need?"

I crossed my arms again and looked down at my bare feet. "Job in Russia. I have to leave in the morning for it."

"Oh." He stood facing me for a moment, then looked down at his own feet. "Alright then."

"I'm coming back," I said. "It's not forever."

"But will you stop for a second and take a fucking look at yourself?" he snapped, setting his bags on the ground. "I'm serious. Take one good fucking look at yourself. Do you look like you're in any condition to go halfway around the world? I mean, come on!" He was shouting now, and I leaned back. "You're missing a leg and still freaking out over the last job you pulled! For God's sake, Jink, when are you going to stop? When you're dead?"

The silence that came after the shouting was deafening. And it got me thinking.

When would I stop? I mean, the man had a point – I was already a physical and emotional wreck. And yet I was going back for more. I was as bad as a person who would go back to abusive partners.

But I had a purpose. I couldn't handle the normal life, and I found people I could work with. (For the most part, anyways.) And I was getting paid a ton of money to do it. That's what kept me going – the idea that one day, I'd have enough money to take me to a nice, warm place and never have to deal with all this shit again.

"I will stop," I said at last, "when I have enough cash to get us out of this joint."

Apparently, this must've been news to him, because he narrowed his eyes and demanded, "What?"

"I told you before I went back that this was temporary," I stated. "Go back for a couple years, get money, and I'm out."

I motioned him closer, and as soon as he came close enough I wrapped my arms around his waist. "Think about it," I said quietly, "Enough money for you and me to just disappear off the map for a while. Somewhere warm, somewhere secluded." I smirked as I added, "I'll invest in something skimpy that you can oogle your eyes off at, and attempt at getting a tan and you'll laugh because I'll just get spectacularly burnt."

He smiled, and I went on, "Or somewhere cold, like this, but not here. We'll spend our days playing in the snow and our nights in front of a roaring fire. We'll only leave the place to get food and never have to deal with idiot people again. Wouldn't it be nice?"

"What about the kids?" he asked.

"I don't give a fuck what they do," I replied. "They can get their own place by us or go their separate ways."

I knew that I couldn't leave Jessi behind – I promised her that I'd take care of her. The others could take their pick.

His hands found his way to my hips, and I moved my hands to his shoulders. I carefully leaned against him, and by God he was warm.

"Promise you'll come back," he said. "I want to hear you say it."

I smirked. "I promise to come back in one piece," I said. "You feel better?"

He smirked back, and leaned closer. "Much."

Oh God. Oh God. OH MY GOD.

His lips touched mine, and as I melted into his arms all I could think was, Finally!

I couldn't even begin to describe it. It was just . . . wow. I don't know how good or bad I was doing – the first and last time I kissed anyone was in the woods with him – but in my opinion it was still fucking fantastic.

His arms tightened around my waist, making me lean on him more. I was already standing on tip-toe; any higher, and I'd end up falling or something. The thought was far away; I was more focused on the feeling of being wrapped up in his arms, the feel of his hands against my back . . .

Alright, you know what? Go away for a minute. This moment is mine.

The door flung open, and Jessi stuck her head out. "I don't give a fuck how romantic you think it is, don't stand outside and kiss in the snow!" she shouted. "It's cliché, trashy, and you're gonna get sick!"

We pulled apart long enough for me to tell her to piss off and shut the door.

It finally happened! Nearly 40 chapters, and we finally get some concrete kissing action! Huzzah!

Hey dudes, I know it's been a while. I'm sorry about that. So sorry. Incredibly sorry. I've just . . . I got wrapped up in a ton of stuff. College and work and volunteering and Tumblr (oh for the love of god don't go on there please it will consume you) and stuff.

I'm going to do my best to keep up the story (promises, promises, I know) and hopefully it won't be months before the next update.

Peace, kids. Stay strong.

~Roni