Chapter 37- A Fathomless Place.

"Excuse me, just heading to the laundry!"

I look up vaguely. Emmett and I are downstairs in the rec room, using one of the nautilus machines in a way that was never its intended purpose, and someone has just come down and interrupted us. Esme, trailed by Jasper, and both of them carrying baskets of bed linens. I make some kind of embarrassed apology as I hastily slide off Emmett's lap and sit awkwardly on the nearby weight bench, wrinkling my nose up at Jasper as he rolls his eyes and makes a disgusted face at me.

Living with Emmett is a kind of delicious torture. I want him all the time and he is so often right there, but between school and homework and wrestling and the five other people that live in the house and have made it clear they dislike being subjected to physical displays of affection, I am sometimes frustratingly constrained.

Jasper slouches back across the rec room, ignoring us as he heads upstairs.

"I told you brothers never like it," Emmett tells me.

I roll my eyes. "Do you need any help?" I call out to Esme, but a moment later she comes out of the laundry empty handed.

"No thanks Rosalie, I just put in some of the linens to wash." She hesitates for a moment and then adds, "You two might try being a little more circumspect in the common areas of the house."

"Mom," Emmett says in a pained voice. "Please don't. We're trying. It's not like upstairs is that much better, what with Jasper and Edward in the next rooms…"

"Yes, yes, I don't need details," Esme says quickly. "Just making a suggestion!" She disappears upstairs.

I look at Emmett who dimples at me. "What do you think, baby? Are you feeling very circumspect today?"

"God no." I can't stop myself from moving back towards him. I certainly don't feel very circumspect, not when I look at him and feel my belly start fluttering just because I'm thinking about what he might do to me. I brush my hand across his crotch. "I'm glad I'm not a boy or I'd be walking around with a hard on all the time…at least no one knows if I start getting hot!"

Emmett laughs, and I feel his cock start rising under my hand. "It can be awkward!" he admits. "Sometimes I end up sitting at the breakfast table a lot longer than I meant to just because I've been watching you walk around in your pyjamas and thinking about what you look like underneath them…"

I kiss him hard, cutting the words short, and then I forget all about Esme as I the two of us become absorbed only in each other. I move from his lips, kissing his throat and chest, moving down lower until I've got his cock in my hands and my mouth right there and Emmett is nearly whimpering with desperation. As I close my lips around him and hear his hitching breath I realise I've never done this for him before.

There might be a reason for that.

I very rarely think of Royce or the attack when I'm with Emmett. What I do with him bears so little relation to that night in the park that it is usually easy for me to focus only on the present, on the playful, messy pleasure of being with Emmett. And if ever I start to slip back all I have to do is look at him, and the softness of his mouth and the bright love in his eyes is all I need to reassure me that I am safe and I am loved and that this is good. But now I can feel the anxiety rising and I have to concentrate hard to focus on the enjoyment I'm giving him, listening to the noises he makes and taking in the shifting of his thighs on either side of me. But as he gets closer to orgasm he drops his head back and I can't see his face, and then he puts a heavy hand on my head and the panic that explodes in my heart is uncontrollable.

I half scream and half choke as I blindly shove Emmett away and scramble backwards. All I want to do is run, but I come up against the free weight bench and as it hits me in the back I stop, fighting the panic that's constricting my breathing to a hoarse wheeze.

Stop it! It's okay, it's okay, it's Emmett…

Emmett is curled up in the foetal position on the floor. I have no idea what I've done to him when I have slammed my hands into him and pushed him away from me, but his face is stark white and his eyes are squeezed shut in pain.

"Emmett!" I'm over at his side in a second. "I'm sorry! Are you okay? I'm sorry…"

"Dead," he grunts. "Christ, you should have…" Emmett opens his eyes and sees my face and then he reaches out to me with one hand, although the other one stays firmly clamped into his crotch. "Rosa, it's okay."

My hands shake as I touch him. "I'm sorry," I whisper. "What did I…? Are you okay?"

Emmett groans as he rises up to his knees and zips his pants back up with a grimace before he wraps his arms around me. "You just slammed me in the balls…I'll live." His eyes are searching mine. "What happened, beautiful girl?"

"I'm sorry," I repeat, resting my head against his chest so I don't have to look at him and feeling my panic ease as I listen to his heartbeat. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't know…I didn't know that would happen."

"What did happen?" Emmett is insistent. "Why did you freak out?"

There's a long silence. "You put your hand on my head," I say tiredly. "It felt like a threat."

Emmett pulls away slightly. He looks stricken. "It wasn't…anything like that," he falters. "I just…god, I didn't even realise I did it! I am so, so sorry…I was so close to coming and I wasn't thinking at all! I just wanted to…to touch you, and that was all I could reach…"

"I know," I say intently, gripping his hand. "Please. I know you didn't mean anything by it- this isn't a rational response!" The tears are threatening now. "I know you won't hurt me, I know you're not like him…"

"Fuck!" Emmett closes his eyes for a minute, biting hard on his knuckles before he looks at me again. "You don't have to do to that for me. You know that, right? You don't have to do anything that you don't want to, or that makes you think about them. I don't want anything that might bring them back…" He swears again and runs his hand through his hair, looking miserable.

Exhausted, I lean against him and stroke his hand. His knuckles are red and marked where he's gnawed on them, a sure sign of his anxiety. "I'm okay."

"It's so fucking hard sometimes," Emmett says in a low, shaking voice. "I don't want to make this about me, because it's really not. But I want you know that I'm aware, all the time, of what happened to you and I'm trying the whole fucking time not to do anything that's going to trigger something…and I'm so sorry that I fucked it up today."

"You couldn't have known," I say quietly. "I don't even know what's going to do it." I can feel the heavy weight of unhappiness as I say, "It's always going to be there though Emmett, it's always going to be the spectre in the room when I have sex. I have to learn to live with that. But you don't- if you decide it's too hard then that's okay…"

"No." Emmett doesn't let me finish. "Nothing is too hard if it means I get to be with you. You're worth it."

So are you. I think about what Kari has said about acceptance, about taking back control of my own body and life so that my assault becomes only a chapter of my story and not the whole plot line. I think about lucky I feel to have Emmett be the one beside me as I try, afraid and uncertain as I might be, to do that.

"I love you," I say softly, ducking my face as I add, "And I love having sex with you, even if sometimes I kind of fall to pieces! I'm so glad you're willing to hang in there with me."

"More than willing," Emmett tells me seriously, but his dimples are showing and I know he's smiling. "Whatever it takes, baby, even if that means you never give me head again."

I laugh. "No need to go that far. It didn't work out today, but I'm guessing you're never going to hold my head if I'm down there again…"

"Christ, no!" Emmett says fervently. "This is all assuming you haven't done any permanent damage when you just about crushed my balls back into my body…I might not even work anymore."

I know he's teasing and I make a face and tickle him, and then he shouts and a second later we're both rolling over the floor and screaming with laughter as we try and out-tickle each other. We're being so loud that we almost don't hear Carlisle shouting for Emmett from the kitchen, but eventually his yells penetrate and Emmett jumps to his feet.

"I've got to go see what Dad wants," he says, holding out his hand to help me to my feet.

Carlisle is hovering in the doorway leading down to the rec room, holding a large envelope which he thrusts at Emmett. "I got the mail and this was in it…open it!" he demands.

"Hurry up!" Esme begs him.

Emmett takes it, and I hear his indrawn breath as he takes in the Oregon State University logo in the top corner. He's not smiling now, but he doesn't hesitate as he tears into it and pulls out the letter, reading it as quickly as he can. I see his eyes moving across the words and then he bites his lip and looks at Carlisle and Esme, and the smile that breaks across his face is as bright as the sun.

"They want me," he says. "They really want me…baseball scholarship and all. Not full, but pretty substantial. I'm in. I'm in!" He ducks his head and holds out his arms as Esme and Carlisle engulf him in hugs.

"We are so proud of you!" Carlisle says emotionally. "You worked so hard Emmett, and you deserve this. Well done!"

Esme just hugs him and kisses his cheek. She doesn't speak, but it doesn't need words to express the pride that I can see in her face when she looks at her son.

Emmett hugs them back and then turns to me with a joyous laugh. "I'm going to Oregon State to play baseball!" he exclaims, grabbing me in his arms and hugging me as he swings me around. "God damn baby, they really want me!"

"They want me!" he shouts, releasing me so that I drop back to the floor. Then he bounds out of the kitchen, looking for the others. "Ali, Edward…I got it! I'm going to Oregon State to play baseball!"

"Thank goodness!" Carlisle says, turning to Esme and embracing her. "After all that stress…good on him!"

"I'm so proud of him!" Esme sniffs, half laughing as she wipes away tears. "For all he plays baseball like he was born to it, the school work has never come easily to him and he's worked so hard."

I'm so happy for Emmett too, as I leave Carlisle and Esme and chase the whooping sounds of glee coming from Emmett as he rushes to tell Alice and Edward.

"That's brilliant!" Edward says, as Emmett crushes him in a hug. "I'm so pleased for you!"

Emmett is laughing as Alice jumps at him, and the two of them look suddenly very alike as they grin at each other and then hug.

"I knew you'd do it!" Alice says in satisfaction. "As if any school who plays ball would be dumb enough to turn you down."

Carlisle and Esme take us all out to the diner for dinner to celebrate. Forks is such a small town that practically everyone in the diner knows either Carlisle, Esme or one of the kids and everyone is delighted to hear the news. Even high school sport is important here, and anyone who follows it has been watching Emmett play for years. The family barely have a moment without someone else coming over to offer Emmett their congratulations.

I love to watch him so happy. There is something so boldly joyful about Emmett- there's no trace of smugness or conceit, just pure, unadulterated happiness in what he sees as his great good fortune. This emotional honesty radiates out from him and warms me, and I sit beside him and watch him eat and talk to people and think how much he deserves this. He keeps in almost constant physical touch with me too, with his thigh against mine under the table, a careless hand on my elbow as we get up to leave, warm fingers laced through mine as he sits beside in the car on the way home.

It's not until later, when I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart aching that I confront what Emmett's news means for me. His plans for next year are decided. He's going to college in Oregon and me…well, the application deadlines are approaching and I have no plans at all. I lie in my bed and think numbly that once again people around me are moving on and I'm still caught here, in this fathomless place of fear and uncertainty and nothingness that Royce and his friends left me in.

No. I grit my teeth and sit up, feeling the strength of anger coursing through me. No more. This is not the kind of anger that makes me want to scream and curse and hit out…instead it's an anger that brings with it a kind of certainty and determination. I'm going to take back my life. I will work out what I want to do and where I can go from here…I won't let them win.