Metalocalypse: Fresh Meat

by Light Seeker 001

A new special effects manager is hired for Dethklok. But is he ready for the carnage, chaos, insanity, murder, mutilation, suicides and nightmares that come with being in the employment of the most brutal death metal band in the world? No. Rated M for violence and sexual themes All characters except Thomas Wood belong to Cartoon Network and Brendon Small

37. Chapter 37

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Screamed Pickles. He was in the lounge with the rest of the band and he was very, very pissed. The others didn't seem to care.

"What is it now?" I asked.

"Look at this crap!"

He pointed to the TV. It was showing a report on Snakes n' Barrels. "They were the kings of an era. We've already seen where they were after. We didn't know where they were, but where are they now now? Just when everyone thought Snakes n' Barrels were done for good, they reunited. But tragedy would intervene." The documentary cut to footage of Snakes n' Barrels writhing on the ground, screaming in insanity. Then it showed a newspaper; on the headlines it read, "Snakes N' Barrels Overdose! Unknown Drug Kills Reunion Tour!" Thankfully, Pickles' tolerance to all drugs and alcohol made him immune to it. I felt bad for the others, but there was one silver lining: they gave me the Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake.

The mind control drug not only gave me nightmares for months now after giving it one puny lick, but it also gave me the idea of using it to turn Dethklok haters into fans. After multiple trials and experimentations (and a lot of brains being turned into goo), we made a version of the drug that turns people into insane Dethklok fans. Perhaps even more insane than the normal ones. Still, it proved to be successful as Dethklok record sales went up through the roof.

"Until now now," continued the documentary. It then showed images of Pickles' old band wearing new clothes and looking thinner and healthier. Snizzy Snazz Bullets even had a wig to hide his scarred scalp. "Snakes n' Barrels is back again! Antonio 'Tony' DeMarco Thunderbottom, Sammy 'Candy Nose' Twinskins, Snizzy Snazz Bullets and dynamic new front man Rikki Kixx are back to kick your ass into sobriety!"

The documentary showed footage of a man with short red deadlocks and wearing an orange shirt with a dragon pattern on it. "I met these guys at their absolute worst," he said. "And pulled them out of the dark and got them clean at my Rikki Kixx 'Kikkin' It' rehab center. And we just hit it off, and the next thing I knew, I was their new singer. It was magical."

The documentary showed Kixx with Snakes n' Barrels' rehab. "Rikki Kixx has taken in many ex-rockers and helped them get off drugs and alcohol."

"The key to getting sober and living clean," Kixx stated. "Is identifying the problem. And that problem was Pickles."

I got mad after he said that. "Snakes n' Barrels weren't forced by Pickles to make those life destroying choices, you asshole!"

"Dude, you're talking to a TV," Nathan said.

"And this month, for the first time ever," the documentary said. "The new energized and sober Snakes n' Barrels will headline the Rikki Kixx 'Sobertown U.S.A. No Drugs Allowed Sober Rock 'n' Roll Show,' hosted by Leonard Rockstein formerly known as Dr. Rockzo, the rock 'n' roll clown. All proceeds to go to the Rikki Kixx 'Kikkin' It' rehab center."

It cut back to Kixx shouting, "We're bringing sober back, and we're taking names! Sober is the future of rock 'n' roll!" Pickles threw a beer bottle at the TV in anger.

(!)

Pickles went right up to Mr. Offdenson to complain. "How did this happen? That's my fucking band out there, and they're sober?"

"Well, Pickles, I hate to tell you but you don't actually own the name Snakes n' Barrels," Mr. Offdenson said.

"Why not?" The drummer swatted a lamp off the CFO's desk. "How did you let that happen?" Typical Dethklok blame the closest person they can find.

"Well, the band existed before you got there and I didn't represent you then. I can assure you it wouldn't have happened had I..."

"FUCK THAT! They're sober!" Pickles smashed another lamp.

"Could you please stop breaking my good lamps? Break those." He pointed to a whole bunch of lamps on shelves. "They're from IKEA."

"What, these ones? Uh, yeah."

"You really got a lot of lamps in here."

"Well, lighting is important. It creates a nice atmos..." Mr. Offdenson didn't finish his sentence as Pickles started smashing the lamps.

"Aah! The whole thing that gets me is that they got a new singer. Who the is that dildo? He's like a cheap crappy knockoff, you know? And he changed them. It's like those guys are brainwashed! If I could just talk to them..."

"Well, you can't, Pickles. You see, they have a restraining order against you."

Pickles was furious. First some sober idiot took away his old friends and now he made them cut all ties with him?! "A restraining order?" He smashed more lamps. "Fucking sneaky sober sucker!"

"Can we get some more lamps in here, please, Mr. Wood?" Mr. Offdenson said to his communicator.

"Depends on what kind," the special effects manager said.

"The cheap ones."

"Coming right up."

"Thank you."

(!)

In Dethklok's lab, I hung up the phone. "Where does he get the money to find those lamps?" Oh, well, back to business. I carefully placed one drop of modified Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake into a bottle of water. I tightened the cap over it and placed it in the pack of other bottles. I surveyed his work. Hundreds upon hundreds of rows of water bottles, all spiked with the powerful mind control drug. "Do you have the list," I said to a nearby Klokateer.

"Yeah, got it." The Klokateer held up a clipboard with a list of names on it.

"Excellent. Now, take a team, place all these," I gestured to the bottles. "In every refrigerator in every store and house. Everyone must become Dethklok fans. Even at the risk of having them claw their eyes out and throw up acid blood."

"Right away, sir." He left with the clipboard, leaving me alone with the shipments. I turned to leave when Mr. Offdenson came into the room.

"Oh, so there you are. I was coming to tell you that the band is packing up to get ready to go to LA to reunite with Snakes n' Barrels again again."

"I tried calling them to tell them Pickles is coming, but it just keeps playing that stupid 'The number you are trying to reach is no longer in service.' message crap."

"That's because Snakes n' Barrels changed their number. Rikki Kixx called Pickles the reason they became addicts so he made them cut off all ties as part of their rehabilitation."

"Oh. Well, in that case, that might be a good idea. We can make it a surprise!" I chuckled. "I mean, what we're doing is totally illegal, but that's not stopped us before right?"

Mr. Offdenson looked at the bottles of Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake being placed in crates before being delivered via the Deth Copter. "So I see. You realize that there are other, more safer ways of getting people to like Dethklok? Ways that don't involve drugging people with a mind control serum? A serum that you drank? That still gives you nightmares? I can count the number of times you wake up screaming."

I turned to face him and smiled. "Yeah, but this way's quicker. And besides, aren't these fans already crazy? No one will tell the difference between a stupid fan and a drugged hater. Who's gonna know?"

Mr. Offdenson didn't respond. "By the way, Murderface asked me who the owner of Planet Piss's rights are," he said as we walked to the elevator to take us to the Deth Bus.

"Doesn't Murderface own the rights? He came up with it."

"Well, he just wanted to make sure. That and he wanted some merch for Planet Piss like T shirts."

"Uh, huh."

"By the way, the lamps?"

"They'll be here. They'll be here. Eventually. That's what the lamp factory said."

(!)

The Tribunal began their meeting immediately as soon as the reunion was announced world wide. "Gentlemen, Snakes n' Barrels is reuniting again, again, without Pickles," Senator Stampingston said. "Some time ago, we attempted to control Pickles and Snakes n' Barrels with a top-secret experimental drug called Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake. Pickles' tolerance to the drug rendered our plan useless."

"It was a total fiasco," said Vater Orlaag.

"Here to explain more is Dr. Amomolith Chesterfield."

The man in the brown suit and slick black hair had returned. "My drug, Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake worked on the rest of Snakes n' Barrels and left them blank slates ready to be reprogrammed. Unfortunately, the first person they encountered was Rikki Kixx."

"And he used his sober influence to cut himself in on the rights to Snakes n' Barrels," said Senator Stampingston.

"It gets worse, I'm afraid," the Left Eye said. "The special effects manager for Dethklok got his hands on a sample of your drug that was given to him thanks to Pickles. After that, he repurposed it to turn Dethklok critics and haters into fans."

"Oh, that is not good," Dr. Chesterfield said.

"Why?"

"My drug is still alive in the systems of the now-sober members of Snakes n' Barrels. I, however, have a grave warning. There is a long-term side effect, a terrible and destructive side effect. With enough stimulus the drug living in their fat cells will ignite."

"Spontaneous human combustion," said Senator Stampingston gravely.

"Not quite." The doctor then showed a grisly image. "Blue phosphorous snakes will shoot forth from the orifices of the users and they will go mad with rage."

"All of their orifices?" asked Vater Orlaag.

The doctor paused. "I'm afraid so."

"What kind of stimulus can cause this," asked General Crozier.

Dr. Chesterfield counted his fingers. "Bright lights, loud sounds, pyrotechnics."

"In other words," the Left Eye said. "A concert."

"This Rikki Kixx 'Sobertown U.S.A. No Drugs Allowed Sober Rock 'n' Roll Show,' hosted by Leonard Rockstein could be a disaster," said Senator Stampingston.

Dr. Chesterfield said gravely. "Let's hope that I'm wrong, gentlemen. Let's hope that I am wrong."

Before the Tribunal concluded their meeting, Dr. Chesterfield turned to the Left Eye. "Before you go, I have a mission for you."

"What is it?"

"I want you to bring me a sample of the Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake Dethklok is using to convert critics into fans. I might be able to repurpose it for our cause. That and I want to see how and why Dethklok's version doesn't have the side effect I just mentioned. That shouldn't be a problem for you, would it?"

The Left Eye smiled. "No."

(!)

At a Sobertown USA convention, Dr. Rockso...I mean, Leonard Rockstein stood before a crowd of people as he made his speech. "I have clarity now, and that's an amazing thing I tell you. And the key to getting clean is killing that part of you that was hurting you. You got to kill that part of yourself." His voice suddenly became dark. "And for me, it was that clown. That fucking, damn fucking clown. The clown had to go down. Leonard Rockstein didn't like to do drugs. Leonard Rockstein's a nice guy with aspirations. Leonard Rockstein's going to Devry, learning how to be an I.T. Tech, getting his shit together. Not the clown." He became psychotic. "T- t-the clown loved cocaine. T- t-the clown loved stealing and hurtin' his friends. The clown did it all. But I wrestled that clown. I wrestled that clown and broke his fucking face! And I said, 'Clown, get out! Get out, clown! Get out!'" The crowd cheered as he finished his story and calmed down. "Anyway, I've been sober for about two months, give or take. Thank you!" He walked off the podium and Kixx took his place.

"Yes! Clap for him!" he shouted. "Clap for him, my children of sobriety! Show him your love! Now, as you know, the concert is coming up tomorrow and you will be tempted by drugs and alcohol! But we must be strong, children. We are powerful, and we have the power to make rock 'n' roll sober forever!" The people cheered again. He held up a gift basket. "Now let's pass that fucking basket around."

(!)

On the way to California, Toki decided to play a little prank on Murderface (who was currently passed out). He logged into Murderface's computer and did a little changes to the Planet Piss URL. "Oh, theres. Nows I'ms the owners of the Planets Piss domain."

"Yeah, that's prettys goods," Skwisgaar said. "You ams the owners of all the Planets Piss out there."

"Yeah and dot ENG and dot U.K." said Nathan.

"Dots everythings! I owns it all! I loves it!" Toki laughed.

"I didn't know you knew computer stuff, Toki," I said. "But aren't you worried that Murderface will be pissed when he finds out what you did?"

"He wills has to catch me fist."

"Heys, I gots a really goods ideas!" exclaimed Skwisgaar. "Does anybodies of yous knows anythings about webs designs?"

"I just installeds a ripped versions of the Dreamweavers," said Toki.

"This is gonna be good," laughed Nathan.

"Oh, no. What are you gonna do?" I asked nervously.

"Watch this." My eyes widened when I saw what Toki did to the Planet Piss site.

(!)

In the basement of Rikki Kixx's rehab center, a servant approached Rikki with a clipboard. "Master, I have the numbers for the sobriety concert ticket presales."

"Oh, yes? Well, don't just stand there! Tell me, you fucking twit!"

"The concert has sold out."

Kixx stood up from his seat. "This deserves a toast! Get me a bottle of the, uh..." He stopped and punched a wall. "NO!"

The servant backed away. "M- master?

"NO! Oh, god damn it!" Kixx threw his chair into a mirror. "Damn you, sobriety, you horrid fucking monster!"

The servant was becoming scared. "Master, what are you saying?"

Kixx looked at him with rage. "What am I saying?! Don't you fucking get it?! Sobriety is a constant hell. Don't you think I'd be drinking if I could? But I can't! You know why I can't? Because my fucking liver is shot. I can't because the fucking cops make me do periodical drug tests! I can't because I'm the fucking spokesperson for a FUCKING REHAB CENTER!" He paused to catch his breath. "I'm fucking fucked."

The servant stuttered, "B-B-But then why are you helping people kick drugs and alcohol?"

"Why? You want to know why? Because if I have to be sober then I'll make everybody sober and they'll have to live in the hell on Earth that I do."

"No! It's not true."

"Yes! So now you know. Now you fucking know! And you'll do well to keep your filthy mouth shut about it. Keep your mouth shut, or we'll lose everything."

The servant slowly walked back to the door. "Of course, master. Of course. You can trust me. I- I won't tell anyone."

"That's right. You won't..." Before the servant could run away, Kixx grabbed him by the throat and began to strangle him. "DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" The servant attempted to break free, but it was no good. He couldn't escape Kixx's vice-like grip. His face turned from white to blue to purple and blood began to come out of his mouth. And then Kixx grabbed him by the head and twisted it, snapping his neck. "That's right. You. Won't."

(!)

At last, the Dethbus stopped. "My lords, we are in L.A.," a Klokateer said.

"Wowee," said Toki. "Whats is L.A.?"

"Home of the weird," I said.

"It's more than that," Pickles said. "It's the home of rock. Come on, I'll show you!"

And thus, he began our Dethbus tour of Los Angeles.

He took us to a run down gentlemen's club. "This place used to be Dr. Thong's Honey Pit, right here. This place was packed with cream-of-the-crop scumbag rock royalty shooting fucking dope and getting lap dances."

"But, Pickles," Murderface said. "The guys in glam rock seem like long-haired pussies with makeup on and tight pants, you know?"

"And I'm not saying they weren't, Murderface," said Pickles. "But even the super-poser glam rock pussies understood the rock 'n' roll fundamentals of drugs and alcohol."

"And of course, there was the women," I said. "You could see their camel toes, their clothes were so tight."

"Oh, yeah, thems am some pretty hot skanks I'd likes to takes a crack at," said Skwisgaar.

"You know it," said Nathan.

"Oh, hey, check this guy out," Pickles said, taking out a picture from his pocket. "I used to pal around with this guy all the time!" It was a picture of a sickly-looking man surrounded by shocked women.

"Oh, who's thats guy?" asked Toki.

"That's Timmy Razzle of the band Razzle Sticks."

"What, so he's gonna have a gang bang and stuff, and he can't get it up?" asked Murderface.

"Well, kind of," Pickles said, putting the photo back. "He's dead."

"That's pretty good."

Pickles shrugged. "Yeah, he O.D.'ed. I don't know. Whatever." He took out another photo of an Ozzy Osbourne lookalike. "Look, there's Andy Smacks. Okay, this is a classic drug story. You know, you think you're doing coke? You're not. You're doing angel dust." He chuckled, "Whole shitload of angel dust. Anyway, he shot some cops, challenged a professional prize fighter to a bareknuckle match and won! And still had the energy to burn. I don't know." He then took out his Dethphone and played a video. "And then... wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... Check this out. Look. And there he goes off the Capitol Records building. Whoo!"

Toki was excited. "Wowee! Whats a ways to go! Splats!

"Oh, no, Toki," Pickles said, shaking his head. "He lived."

Toki said, "Oh, that's brutal!"

"That's awesome," exclaimed Murderface.

Then Pickles took us to an alley with a dumpster in it. It was empty and it looked like nobody had used it in a long time, not even to put garbage in it.

"Why'd you bring us to this place?" I asked Pickles.

"Okay, here's the dumpster where Suzzie Fat Tits and the Razor Clan used to live and practice. Man, they threw some good parties."

"I hope they afforded tetanus shots," I said.

"Wow! Four hot sluts living in garbage?" exclaimed Murderface.

"That sounds pretty goods," said Skwisgaar.

Murderface nodded. "Called 'being professional'."

"This is where I saw Frankie Switchblade of the band Super Destroyer Fuck Machine blowing a guy. Right there." He pointed to a specific spot next to the dumpster.

"Oh! No way!"

"That guy was me."

Nathan looked at the drummer wide eyed. "Oh, Pickles."

Then the drummer laughed. "Naw, I'm just kidding! But you guys get my point about the whole rock 'n' roll thing, right?"

(!)

We rented a hotel and were enjoying the pleasures of women and alcohol in the penthouse. "Hollywood Fucking bullshit. Fucking L.A." Nathan mumbled.

"This is one fucked up town," Toki said.

"I would kill myself if I lived here."

"I wonder if absolutely everyones heres is stupids."

"Every single resident!" shouted Murderface.

"Yeah, and every TV network out here is a piece of shit right, guys?" asked Nathan.

"Got that right."

"That's right," said Pickles. "And more importantly, if you didn't contract an STD or OD'd in the city, then you didn't exist! Think about it, all of you."

"I'm thinking about it," said Murderface.

"Me's too!" said Skwisgaar.

"And sex scandal. Don't forget the sex scandals," I pointed out.

"Exactly!" shouted Pickles. "Drugs and alcohol are slowly being phased out of the music we love and we're in a fucked up state of the world if our biggest lunatic drug idol is fucking Peter O'Toole!"

"He can fuck me under the table," Murderface said, drunk off his ass.

"That guy could party," agreed Nathan.

Pickles continued his rant, "I need all your guys help to get in the show tonight. We have a responsibility a fucking responsibility to change this.

"What's wrongs with beings sobers?" asked Toki. "Sobers peoples are peoples, too!"

I grabbed him by the shirt and lifted him up. "You take that back or I'll toss you off the penthouse roof! And unlike Randy Smacks, I don't think you will make it. You dig?"

He lowered himself down and said, "Fine. I will gos with you to the shows and enjoys myselfs but I won'ts help!" He raised his hand to prove his point and accidentally spilled Murderface's soda.

"Fuck, Toki! You klutz! I got soda on my shorts!"

"What? You get soda on your shorts?" asked Nathan.

"Fuck yeah! Look at it!"

"Looks like you takes a leaks on yourselves," laughed Skwisgaar.

"I fucking wish it was piss, but it's fucking soda. That's fucking sticky!"

"Guys, we got to go," insisted Pickles. "The concert's the only place I can talk to Snakes n' Barrels. Let's go!

"I got to go back to the bus and change my shorts," said Murderface. "Thanks a lot, Toki!"

"Well, fine. We'll see you there!"

(!)

At the concert, we all came in disguise. We knew the guards banned us from coming in, but Pickles was a man on a mission. We snuck passed a security guard who was beating a patron. "Hey, get this guy outta here! Look, he tried to bring in a bag of drugs: coke, heroin, a cherry pie with pot in it. Get the hell out of here, you piece of shit. I'll take this and destroy it later on."

(!)

In the auditorium, we snuck past the crowd to get closer to the stage. The announcer shouted, "Please welcome your host! You know him as Dr. Rockso, the rock 'n' roll clown but now he's clean and sober! Ladies and gentlemen...Leonard Rockstein!"

The former rock 'n' roll clown walked onto the sage and took the microphone. "And thank you! Oh, wow. It is great to be here, and it's great to be sober! With sobriety, we are strong! You know what? Let's just take over rock 'n' roll with sobriety! Let's do that. Let's just do that." The crowd cheered.

Toki cheered the loudest. "Oh, good jobs, Rocksos! Sees? Sobers is cools!" I still couldn't believe he was in contact with this idiot.

"Wow! Wow," exclaimed Rockstein. "You guys really know how to rock sober style! Wow! Huh, this is actually my first time being on stage sober. Yoo-hoo! I ka ka ka ka see you, b-baby! I do cocaine. I really do cocaine. It's, uh... Really good to be back on the..." Rockstein suddenly became a little afraid of something. Something only he can see. "On...you want to do this sweet cocaine, baby? Uh... Uh...you want it, baby. Come on. You know you want it, don't you?"

Rockstein began swatting at the air, trying to keep a straight face. "Get out of here! Get out of here, man! I'm fine. I'm fine. Ohhhhh! Okay, I'm fine. I'm fine. Just get out. I mean, I'm here. I'm sober. Oh. Get out of here, man! Ohh! Out! Oh, no! Ohh!"

Offstage, Kixx shouted, "Hey, what the hell is going on? Introduce the opening band!"

"Oh, right, right. Welcome... welcome your opening band...Manhattan Sidewinder. I- I'm okay. I'm okay." The former rock 'n' roll clown ran off stage, still shouting at...something.

"Psst," I whispered to Pickles. "The backstage. It's right there." I pointed to the door. "Come on." Still in disguise, we went to the backstage only to be stopped by a bodyguard.

"Hey, buddy, nobody gets by without a backstage pass."

"Oh, you want $10,000?" Pickles handed him the money.

"Go on through."

(!)

In Snakes n' Barrels dressing room, we found the band making last minute preparations. Pickles tore off his disguise. "Guys, wait!"

"Hey, it's Pickles!" Sammy greeted.

"Hey, man, what's up?" Tony asked.

Pickles was right. They didn't even sound right. "What's up?" he asked. "You guys restarted the fucking band without me! What the is that all about? Fucking Rikki Kixx?"

"We got sober, and Rikki kind of approached us and, well I mean, it just kind of happened," explained Sammy.

"What?" I exclaimed, tearing off my disguise. "What the hell?! Why didn't at least call Pickles the second you got out of the rehab center?"

"Rikki said we have to get rid of everything that made us addicts," Snizzy said. "And Pickles was the everything."

"I don't - Snizzy! Don't you even remember me? You offered me rhythm guitar lessons when you caught me with your gu-girdle-itar!"

"Oh, I got rid of that ratty thing."

"Wait, what?"

"It's great man," he said, ignoring me. "It's awesome. You know, not doing any drugs, being sober."

"Saving money. So amazing," said Tony. "It's like a whole new level. My hat fits a lot better now."

"Not drinking, having fun. Just... it's great."

Pickles shouted at the Snakes n' Barrels bassist, "Dude, Tony, we've been fucking friends forever. How could you do this to me? How could you do this?"

"He's got a point there," I said.

"You can't go out there," Pickles continued. "With that dumb fucking jackoff. He just wants money. He doesn't care. He doesn't care not like how I do about you!"

Suddenly, Kixx came into the dressing room with the bodyguard. "I believe that I do. I do care."

"YOU!" I shouted. "You did this to them! You did this! You knew about this, somehow did you!" I reached into my pocket and took out a vial of the modified Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake. "You want to know the real reason you became sober?" I asked Snakes n' Barrels. "It's because that drug that landed you in the rehab center was a mind control drug! It made you obey Kixx because you were programmed to do whatever he said!"

Kixx, the bodyguard and Snakes n' Barrels laughed.

"Oh, you don't believe me? Here." I popped the cork off with my teeth. "Here. You guys are gonna get so high that your minds are gonna blow chunks to outer space and to the Milky Way. And what better way to celebrate the reunion than with a good old-fashioned Milky Way chunk-blow?"

"Get that fucking thing away from me," Kixx shouted, backing away from me with his hands in front of him.

"What's wrong?" I teased. "Let's get high!" I charged at him and tried to shove the bottle into his mouth, but he overpowered me and knocked the bottle out of my hand. Unfortunately, a good portion of it splashed into my face. "Ugh! AUUUGH! It's in my mouth! It burns! Get it out! Get it out!"

"Get those pieces of shit out of here!" Kixx shouted to the bodyguard.

The bodyguard lifted me and Pickles off the ground. "No! You may be sober, but you're still a stupid, ugly, dildo idiot scumbag! Get off me! Didn't I just give you $10,000? No!"

(!)

Meanwhile, Dr. Rockso ran far from the stage, only to run into the room where all the confiscated drugs and alcohol were stashed. He eyed the bags of cocaine and began sweating.

(!)

While Toki was dealing with probably the most obnoxious fan he had ever met and while Skwisgaar and Nathan tried in vain to look for alcohol in a Sobertown USA concert, Murderface was cleaning his pants in the Deth Bus. "Fucking Toki. Now my shorts smell like soda. I should bill him. What a stupid klutz. Guess I'll get out of here. Oh." He saw his computer sitting on the coffee table. "Oh, well, maybe I'll check my myspace."

Then he remembered Mr. Offdenson advising him to register Planet Piss.

"Yeah, right. It won't take long. I should." He opened his computer and tried to log on but... "What? All the Planet Piss domain names are taken?" To his horror, the Planet Piss website had been turned into a bestiality website! "God, no! Who did this?" He got his answer when he saw the new owner of the URL. "Toki, I'll kill you!"

(!)

Back at the concert, Snakes n' Barrels began to play Water Horsey Blues. In the audience, Toki was starting to lose his patience with the obnoxious fan.

Murderface pushed his way through the crowd, intending to give the brown haired guitarist the beating of a lifetime. "Toki, I'll kill you, mother fucker."

(!)

Back with Leonard Rockstein, he heard the voice in his head again. He was trying to fight it, but he was losing. Badly. "I smell that sweet stuff. I smell that sweet stuff, baby. Yeah, baby, I took it all. Oh, baby."

(!)

As the guard shoved us to a holding cell, I began to feel...strange. "Pickles, my head hurts."

(!)

When the song was over, something strange happened to Tony, Sammy and Snizzy. Their eyes glowed blue and all of a sudden, blue phosphorous snakes shot out of all their orifices and flew out into the audience, making a chain reaction. Everyone the snakes touched, began to experience frightening hallucinations.

(!)

Meanwhile, Toki had lost it with the annoying fan. "Oh, that's it! That's it, you mother fucker. I'm kicking your ass, you loud, stupid asshole." He grabbed the fan by the face and slammed his face into his knees three times. "That's right! I'll kill you! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

(!)

Dr. Rockso shoved his face into cocaine and pot-laced pie and began snorting them and eating them, laughing like a madman. "Oh, god. Get some. Go get some. Oh, baby, you can't hold me back. Ka-ka-ka! Yeah! I'm alive!" A female dancer, attracted by the sound, came in to see what was wrong. She let out a scream when she saw Rockso devouring the drugs. She screamed even louder when the clown ripped off her black catsuit.

(!)

In the holding cell the guard told us to stay. Yeah right. Pickles and I broke free, ran onto the stage and confronted Kixx. "What the hell is going on?" the singer screamed at the chaos.

Pickles ignored him and charged at him and began punching him in the face. "You're gonna get your fucking ass kicked, you fucking sober douchebag!"

"Save some for-" I said, but then all of a sudden, a blue bolt of electricity shot at me.

(!)

"AAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!" screamed Thomas. Electricity shot out of every orifice in his body and connected to the other hallucinations in the crowd. In the crowd's minds, there were zombie fetuses, demon rabbits, blue octopuses with snakes for tentacles and small, dancing Dr. Rocksos. Suddenly, when Wood became connected, all the hallucinations melted away. The people in the crowd could see five figures rise out of the ground. The figures were giant versions of Dethklok wearing armor from ancient times.

"What the fuck is going on?!" someone in the crowd screamed.

Then, a sixth man rose. A man with long silver hair and a silver beard. He raised his hand and clenched his fist. Half the crowd's heads exploded. "Be blind." Then the other half's eyes exploded and their own intestines began popping out of their mouths and strangled them.

(!)

In reality, everyone was screaming in insanity and writhing on the ground, clawing their eyes out and throwing up acid blood. The only people who weren't affected were the members of Dethklok. Murderface pushed past a horrified Skwisgaar and Nathan and shouted, "There you are, you scumbag!" But he stopped and gasped in horror when he saw Toki smashing the annoying fan's face with his boot.

He turned and glared at Murderface. "And whats the fuck do you want, mother fucker?!"

Murderface blinked. "What's up, bro? What's happening, huh?"

Suddenly, the stage exploded and an old friend appeared. Leonard Rockstein was wearing a woman's black cat suit, a cop's combo cap and his face and hair were smeared in cocaine and pot-laced cherry pie. He screamed, "I'M B-B-B-B-BACK, BABY! MY NAME'S DR. ROCKSO THE ROCK 'N' ROLL CLOWN AND I DO COCAINE!"

As soon as he said the word "cocaine" everyone immediately relapsed and started breaking into stores to steal and consume as much alcoholic beverages they could find. Later, the hospital had over two hundred cases of alcohol poisoning and failed livers.

(!)

Backstage, a gloved hand picked up the bottle of Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake. "There's not much left," the figure said to a communicator.

"It will be enough," they heard Dr. Chesterfield say. "Bring it to me."

"Understood."

(!)

Ugh...what happened...what...was...where am I... My eyes slowly fluttered open and I slowly got up, rubbing my sore head. "What...where am I?" I looked around. I was at some sort of auditorium. Oh, yeah. That's right. The Sobertown USA No Drugs Allowed Rock 'n' Roll Show. We were gonna look for Pickles' band. "Pickles?" I called out. "Did you find...oh!" I gasped in horror. There on the floor was the twitching body of Rikki Kixx. His face had completely covered in cuts and bruises and blood was oozing out of his eyes, nose and mouth.

"Whoa," I chuckled. "Pickles fucked you up. Heh, heh. Oh, god, my head!" I gripped my temples and tried to ignore the pounding headache as I tried to recall what happened last night.

Ignoring the bodies in the audience, I slowly walked out the auditorium, humming a little song as I did. Soon the humming became singing.

*Cue Gloomy Sunday*

I found the band in the Deth Bus. Toki was sitting in a chair far from the other members with a look of rage on his face. Murderface, Nathan and Skwisgaar were huddled together in a chair looking at him with horror. Pickles came up to me and said, "Dude, where have you been? You just missed kicking the crap out of that Rikki Cocks."

I slowly turned to face him. "Snakes n' Barrels?"

"Eh, I don't know what happened to him. By the time Kixx stopped moving...and screaming, I noticed that they just disappeared. Don't know what happened."

I sighed. "Whatever. Just don't talk to me for a while. I got a major headache."

"Hangover?" asked Pickles.

"I guess..." Everything became black.

(!)

Pickles looked down at the passed out kid and shrugged his shoulders. "Well I have had enough of shitty L.A. Who wants to go home?" Nathan, Murderface and Skwisgaar were too frightened to respond and Toki just snorted at him in anger. "So, that's a yes? Okay."