Chapter Thirty Seven:
Grissom heart sank as the rain continued to pour. Time is running out. I need time. I need to tell her how much I love her. I need to tell her how my life began when she offered her love to me and I took it. He needed more time. "God, give me more time."
"Catherine, I'll be back; you can reach me by phone if you need me." He grabbed his jacket and left. Catherine watched as he fled the lab. She had seen him do this before and she knew where he was headed.
Grissom found himself standing in the front door. He had not been there in awhile. He felt guilty for his lapse of faith. He felt guilty for running to God only when he seemed all was lost. He remembered kneeling before that altar before. It wasn't that long ago when he had done the same thing when Nick was missing. This was different. It was Sara. It was his life at stake now.
He didn't think he could go on without Sara. He didn't think he could find the strength.
He remembered their last rule: one could not exist without the other. The truth of the statement lingered over his head like a death shroud. He ran his hand through his hair. He bowed his head and tried to pray but the words could not or would not come. He felt this anger rise inside of him. He wanted the pain to stop. He wanted the fear to dissipate. This is how love feels. This was what he had avoided but now he would give his own life to keep it. He needed to love Sara. Without you, I'm not whole. Without you, I am nothing. He also knew he could not…no he would not live without her.
Father Brannigan came and sat down beside Grissom. He had known Grissom for years and while he did not attend mass on a regular basis, he knew that Grissom was a religious man. He had spoken with him before and after his employee had been found. He wished that he would see Grissom on a lighter day but he also knew that something was terribly wrong. He waited for Grissom to tell him about Sara. He had already seen the news report and had been praying for her return. Father Brannigan began to pray out loud for Sara. Grissom lowered his head as his tears streamed down his face. Here he had sanctuary. He could let his feelings be known. Out there he had to hide what was most precious to him, Sara.
"Gil, I know that we don't always understand why God chooses to take the persons we love the most but it should ease your mind to know that you will see her again. This earth is only a fleeting moment but heaven is eternity. You will be with her again in heaven."
The words were not comforting. The words stung. He had never talked with Sara about her religious convictions. He thought there was time. Time for another session. Time. He hated time. He never thought he would lose her, not after the night they came to realize that there was nothing they could not get through. They never thought about death. He was sick of death. He had made his living through death and now he was about to lose his life because of death. There wasn't even the comfort of eternity. The thought of never spending eternity with Sara was unbearable.
"I don't know if Sara believes," he whispered.
Grissom had hoped that he would feel better after going by the church but instead he felt desolation. Now, he had no sanctuary. Grissom had come there to pray they would find Sara alive. He found himself praying more feverishly that Sara believed.
Sara had lost count of the hours as she lay under the car. She initially panicked when she was left alone. For hours she tried to free herself but to no avail. She tried to scream but she knew there was no one to hear her cries for help. At last Sara recalled another time in her life when she had felt the same desolation. She recalled the night her mother killed her father. She had never felt so alone in the world but Sara had learned about the power of prayer. She learned that when you believed, you were never alone. "Never alone." The words seemed to echo. Sara smiled.
In her fear she had forgotten about her faith. Sara didn't know why she had not prayed. In times of crisis, Sara often said a prayer. She prayed the night she heard Grissom's confession to a suspect that he couldn't risk his career to be with her. She prayed that he would let her love him. He needed to be loved. She also prayed the night Grissom delivered the ransom money to Nick's captor. When she heard there had been an explosion her prayers went up in earnest. Grissom had been unharmed. She had also prayed for Nick. Yes, she had prayed many times and her prayers had been answered.
Now as she lay beneath the car, she had forgotten to call upon God. She knew however, that sometimes God had other plans. She knew that she might not be able to hold on until help arrived. She wiped a tear from her eye. The last year had been the best year of her life. Grissom had let her into his life. Grissom had returned her love.
She was thankful the most for that answered prayer. They had never spoken about religion before. She knew Grissom had been raised as a Catholic but did he truly believe? The thought of never seeing Grissom again rocked her to the core. Sara prayed that she would be able to see Grissom again but more importantly she prayed that he believed.