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Chapter Twenty-One: I Threw Away the List to Convince You
I've always considered myself a pretty self-aware person. I mean, I think I've always been able to look back on my actions and kind of evaluate my own motivations for things and at times I've been aware that my actions have been irrational, or unfair, or unkind, and I've thought about why I'd behaved that way and how I might want to act differently in the future and so on. So, after the walk back from the pharmacy with Jamie, after feeding a handful of Advil to Tegan and watching her fall asleep, I thought about Jamie and what had happened that night and other nights and I asked myself certain questions. For instance, what had compelled me to pull Jamie on top of Tegan that night when we were all accidentally high on cupcakes? What on earth had I been thinking? Or even better, what had made me push her legs open while Tegan kissed her? I had said to Jamie that it was just sex, and it's no big deal, and there's a pragmatic part of my brain that really believes that, but the pragmatic part of my brain has always simply pretended to be in charge. The fact is that it shocks me that I did that. It shocks me on a number of levels. But as I lay in bed next to my sleeping sister, I give it some serious thought and the things I come up with are nearly as shocking as the act itself.
Where to start? Part of me was just carried away with everything. We were drunk and horny and things kind of snowballed to the point where I doubt any one of us was taking the time to think anymore. So it was hot because it was sex and because it was new, and let's not try to even pretend that people don't like to watch. It was a surprise to me how hot it was to be watched, too, especially by someone who was watching me and Tegan and looking like she wanted to jump us, instead of looking like she might throw up, which is really what I would expect from anyone. So it was sexy and there was curiosity and the excitement of kissing someone new and being touched by someone new and touching someone new. So all of that is fine but if I am honest with myself, there were other aspects to what I did that were a lot less innocent. Did it bother me to think that Tegan and Jamie had had sex in Vancouver - a lot of sex, from the sound of it - and I wasn't there and I didn't know what happened? Was I jealous? Did it make me jealous that Jamie had experienced something with Tegan that I couldn't see, that I didn't know about? I have to admit that it did, that it triggered this side of me that was just possessive and jealous and insecure. And I don't think it would have bothered me that much if it had been just sex but I know that's not all it was, and even when I asked Tegan about it, she couldn't just say that it had just been meaningless fucking. If Tegan had just been meaninglessly fucking Jamie that would not have bothered me that much. I've done my share of that. But knowing that it wasn't just fucking, but that Tegan's heart had been somehow involved in the situation, and seeing that they had some kind of intimacy together, well, that triggered something in me. I talked to Tegan about it and I saw them together and I figured certain things out and I admit that I wanted to insert myself into that situation somehow, and make it less like something Tegan and Jamie shared that was private and intimate. I knew that Tegan hadn't gone down on Jamie because she'd told me, and also, yeah, Tegan and I hadn't gotten to that point yet because we were both hung up on it. But mostly me. I was really the brakes on that particular thing. We both wanted it, but it doesn't matter how hard you try to fool yourself, when you put your tongue in the holiest of holies, there is no way you can talk yourself out of your guilt. You can't rationalize that into something else. And so I'd wanted to get between Tegan's legs like you can't possibly imagine, but the amount of shame and self-loathing I felt over wanting that was like an equal and opposite force. . . so it didn't happen until we were all drunk and Jamie was there to make things seem okay, and make it seem like it wasn't about just me and Tegan.
So then I just had to go down on Jamie, too. If I could do that when Tegan hadn't, then I guess I'd just taken away some of the cozy intimacy that they had, and I'd made us all into fuck buddies and I'd removed some of the specialness that they shared. Or I felt like I had. Like, fuck, Jamie is in love with Tegan. Yeah? So she's cute and she's a sweet person and Tegan has feelings for her too and it makes perfect sense that they would want to be together, and unlike our situation, Tegan can sleep with Jamie and not even feel guilty about it. How can I compete with that? With something as shameless and kind of innocent as being with someone like her? I mean, the thought of it made me feel like I was fucking lost at sea. It's unfair of me to think and to act that way but it was simple, old-fashioned jealousy. I was afraid that they were not just fucking each other but that Jamie was fucking goddamned making love to Tegan, as much as that fucking expression makes bile rise up in my throat, and that she was doing it and fixing her and why would Tegan want to continue to suffer in this fucking fiery lake of guilt and shame with me when she could have that? So yeah. How about if I get everyone drunk and I go down on Jamie and then it isn't the two of them on one side and me on the other but the three of us and a mess. Great! That seemed so much better.
Yeah, of course that's not all it is. I mean, I have reason to believe that I am pretty good with my tongue, and there's the enormous satisfaction that comes along with making someone come that way, and we all know that. But now I will always be the first of us to do that, and when Tegan does that to Jamie, they will both be thinking that I did it first. They'll be thinking of me. And that makes me kind of realize that I stole that from them, and before you think I'm just a manipulative bitch, I'll let you know that I do feel bad about that. I feel bad because I like Jamie, and because if the world was fair and if things made sense and if Tegan and I were normal, they would just be together and I'd be happy for them. So it's not her fault that things are this fucked.
And on top of all of that, she was also like a doorway for us, and that's something that is truly fucked but when Tegan and I were alone, and Tegan made tentative steps towards going down on me, the sick twisted feeling rose up in me and I panicked and stopped her. But if Jamie could be there and see it and not be disgusted, that meant it was okay. I could make that okay in my mind, if I added enough whisky to the equation. And now that I'm sober and now that I have gone down on Tegan and I've opened my legs for her and then I did it to Jamie and we all saw it happen, I really can't believe I let that happen. I mean, what is more intimate than letting someone do that to you? And then, what could be more intimate than letting someone watch it? So our biggest fan watched me put my tongue inside my sister. And then I did the same to her. And maybe that is still fucking with my head and in my sober state I'm not ready for any of that. And so I invited Jamie to the drug store and I kind of accidentally-but-not-accidentally reminded her that Tegan can't just drop everything and be with her because Tegan and I are stuck, together, and there's nothing anyone can do to change that. So maybe I kind of made Jamie cry a little bit on purpose, but when it actually worked, I did feel like a fucking jerk. Maybe I am a jerk and there's that cliche, all's fair in love and war, but Tegan and I go beyond an act of love in the same way that two hydrogen bombs wiping out two entire cities goes beyond an act of war.
So blah blah blah there's nothing I can say to eliminate the fact that I have fucked around and manipulated people. And it's one thing to fuck around and manipulate a sweet person that you like. But how about the fact that I've fucked around and manipulated Tegan as well? I lay in bed looking at her with that pineapple pillow clutched to her aching belly and I just feel like a fucking asshole. And I think of Jamie and feel like an even bigger asshole. I'll take a little comfort in the fact that it was fucking hot, and we all enjoyed it, and that Jamie obviously wanted to kiss and touch Tegan again, and she got to. So it's not like she didn't join it willingly. But right now I'm lying next to Tegan while Jamie is watching a police drama in the living room area, by herself, and she's probably thinking of Tegan and you know, she probably wishes she were able to come back here and rub Tegan's belly instead of me, but she keeps her distance and leaves us alone when we need to be alone even though it must hurt her to not know where she stands. So as I lay here I realize that I don't want to be that manipulative person. I need to apologize to Jamie, I decide. I need to apologize to both of them, and try to be the kind of person who deserves Tegan's whole heart.
We were just outside of Berlin when I made that decision. The sun would be rising in a few hours, and before it would set again, everything would change.