A/N: I own nothing except a copy of this great game. Second note: A single singer is demarked in italics "like this", while a crowd singing is demarked "like this."

"I have to be dreaming, right?"

Impa turned and faced the Hero beside her. Link was watching the Lord High King of the Bulblins standing in front of Zelda, and heard the princess give her tentative approval to letting him speak. Impa raised an eyebrow, leaning over to whisper in Link's ear despite not taking her eyes off of the seminal moment in front of them.

"What makes you say that, Link?" She asked.

"It's just…I didn't know that the Bulblins had a command structure like this…" Link muttered.

"I didn't even know that they had a king!" Proxi chimed in, though she too kept her voice down.

"It's been a rather crazy time," Impa admitted. "I've found myself continually re-evaluating my position in this world again and again since I met you." She turned to Link. "At this juncture, I guess we have to wait and see what happens."

…

"Would you care to sit down, your highness?" Zelda asked. "I cannot imagine that walking down from wherever your army is stationed is particularly good for your joints." Romulus gave a tired smile.

"Too hospitable for an old war pig, your majesty. But I accept the offer." He said. He turned to the riders behind him. "Return to our forces, and let them know that I am busy discussing things with the true ruler of Hyrule. See to it that no one, least of all those two butchers, find out what it is that we are doing here."

Wordlessly, the head of the Bulblins nodded, blew into his war horn, and led the horsemen off towards the hills on the horizon. Romulus watched them go with a wistful expression. Zelda turned to him, and raised an eyebrow.

"Your highness, if you do not mind me asking, why would you abandon yourself?" She asked. Romulus turned to face her, and the Hyrulian detected a wily air in the Bulblin's tired smile.

"A multitude of reasons, your majesty. The first is that I trust the authenticity of your words. Secondly, I have precedent."

"Precedent?" Zelda asked. Romulus smirked.

"Forgive me, Bulblin legends don't often get heard by outsiders. One of my ancestors, Remus, was called forth by another warring tribe in the midst of one of the many grand civil wars that tore my people asunder for generations. Remus' advisors begged him not to go, warning that the tribe he sought to visit was untrustworthy and would kill him as soon as they had him. Remus rebuffed their claims, saying that their fears were unfounded. When asked why, he replied that anything that they did to him would pale in comparison to what his men would do in retaliation." He paused, and awkwardly coughed into his wrist. "Forgive me. Most Bulblin stories and legends are rather morbid at best, vulgar at worst. Particularly to those that aren't attuned to our cultures."

"I'm in no position to send you away." Zelda said. "And even though I may be without a palace, I am still a princess, and I will still adhere to the code of conduct that gentlemen and women like us wrote up in Holodrum."

"Hmm. Very magnanimous for a woman so young." Romulus said. He hobbled after Zelda, as they got aboard one of the small ferries the Ravagers had used to ferry refugees to the other side of the river.

Zelda could feel countless pairs of eyes looking at them in shock and confusion and even in fear as they watched their ruler walk alongside a creature that for so long they had associated with fearful nightmares and death and destruction. Romulus looked around, and smiled somewhat sardonically.

"I don't think that they like me too much."

"Nonsense." Zelda said in a very unconvincing tone. "They're just skittish in general. It's been a long and tiresome time since we lost the castle and the rest of the kingdom."

"You are a nice woman, your majesty." Romulus said. "But you are also a terrible liar." He looked at her. "But fret not. I am sure that by the end of this they will at least grow to tolerate me and my forces. I am not nearly so foolish as to ask for unconditional love from a people that my kind have been at war at for a very, very long time."

They reached a small clearing in the camp, guarded by the surviving Royal Guardsmen. Uhaa cautiously pointed his spear towards Romulus, as did the rest of them. Before Zelda could call them off, Romulus walked forward and intentionally leaned forward so that the point of Uhaa's spear was dangerously close to his throat.

"You are a brave one. Loyal, I imagine." Romulus said. "But you will forgive me if I say that I am not intimidated by any of you. Even in my advanced age, subduing the lot of you would be as easy as carving a cake."

Uhaa's eyes narrowed.

"Speak carefully, Bulblin." He said. "You are here because her highness allows it. And if she demands it, I will end you."

Romulus laughed heartily. He turned to Zelda.

"I like this one! He has guts." He turned to face Uhaa again. "What is your name, boy?"

"Uhaa." The former Ravager replied. Romulus raised an eyebrow.

"That's an outlander name. What brought you to Hyrule, and what brought you to the Royal Guard?"

"He is a Ravager." Zelda said. "His actions in battle caught my attention. I rewarded him thusly." Romulus turned towards her, and smiled.

"All the more reason that I trust this will be a worthwhile chat. You're the first Hyrulian leader I've heard of that was willing to break tradition." He turned to Uhaa, and tapped the flat edge of the spearpoint. "Keep this polished, boy. The gleam it will give in high noon will strike terror in the hearts of your enemy." He nodded respectfully towards the Royal Guard, and took a seat next to Zelda.

"You request parley." Zelda said. "You have been granted it." She said. "As per the rules set in the ancient conference of Holodrum, I hereby inform you that you have an open floor to express your ter-" She was cut off by Romulus' tired chuckling.

"You may dispense with the formalities, your highness. I am flattered that you are willing to give me that kind of respect, but let's not kid ourselves: I'm a Bulblin. We have not had a strong history with your people."

"Why then did you wish to seek parley?" Zelda asked. Romulus sighed, and paused to seemingly take in the natural setting around him. It was midday, with the sun obscured by light clouds and a gentle breeze flowing through the air.

"I have my reasons." He said. "One a matter of practicality, and the other…something else. Which I will get to in due time." Romulus turned to face her. "The Fell Man in Black…he is the one that has pushed you to the fringes of your own land, and has rendered you a princess without a throne. Is that correct?"

"Ganondorf." Zelda said with a hint of bitterness. "Yes. He was the one that took my kingdom."

"Then you and I have more in common than I think you could imagine." Romulus said. "Because, unbeknownst to you, the first kingdom that he conquered was my own."

"You have a kingdom?" Zelda asked. "I thought that the Bulblins were-"

"-A host of unassorted and disorganized tribes, yes." Romulus said. "For generations and generations, that was the truth. We amounted little more to bandits that took on wild raids and were scattered like ashes thrown to the wind when the enemy was stronger than us. But, in time, we learned that these tactics were ill-suited for any one tribe, and we realized that the continual pounding that a life of nomadic warfare brought would endanger the future of us as a people." He said.

Discreetly off to the side, Itami and Ishaka had maneuvered over to the edge of the camp in a manner that left them just within earshot of the conversation in front of them.

"So are you saying that you are uniting the Bulblins?" Zelda asked. Romulus smirked.

"I would be a fool to take all of the credit. It was the work of my grandfather that started it all." He closed his eyes in reminiscence. "My uncle murdered him, believing that his efforts were a worthless waste of time. My father went to battle, having gathered several tribes that had believed in that original cause of unity. In a terrible battle, my father succeeded in defeating my uncle…at the cost of his own life. He begged me to continue the work of grandfather, and I obliged. I had planned to pass the mission to my son, before Ganondorf came." He opened his eyes, and had a look on his face that was a cross between rage and mourning. "Ganondorf conquered Hyrule. But he also murdered our dreams of a grand society for the Bulblin. I hated him, and was forced to work for him every minute from his initial conquest to the moment that I decided you were the stronger side."

"Wait, why did you think that we were the strongest?" Zelda asked, incredulously. "You've seen what Ganondorf did to us!"

"I see a people that reminds me of my own." Lord King Bulblin said. "Driven to the fringes of existence by those that never understood them, and never cared to learn. Dealt a bad hand by the spirits, and in the end…they endure. Ganondorf may believe in physical strength as much as he wishes…in the end, it is strength of spirit that is far more impressive to me or any Bulblin." He sighed. "And yet I could only act when I was sure that there was no chance he would discover and end my insurrection before it began."

Zelda nearly spoke, but instead felt a hot shame within her. For the truth of the matter was that she had never considered the Bulblins as anything more than a warmongering group of savages, best to be left to the fringes of the world in the hopes that they would simply go away. But then she thought back to the fights against Cia, and remembered that in every report that she ever read in battle, and in every battle that she herself had been a part of, the Bulblin presence was minimal if not completely nonexistent. Perhaps she'd simply been conflating them with a grander umbrella of generalized "evil" that needed reevaluation.

Hell, she had been following her instinct and the way things normally worked, and she was currently sitting on the banks of a river on a crate because someone had usurped her kingdom. At this point, she was willing to listen to any sort of suggestion.

But then she found what she wanted to ask.

"You said that there was another reason that you wished to help me." She said. "What was it?"

At this, the Bulblin Lord High King looked positively pained.

"How…how did Ganondorf get you to capitulate in the end, your majesty?" Romulus asked. "You strike me as a woman of conviction and power. What did he do to you that caused that resolve to wither on the vine?" He asked.

Zelda did not answer. She looked over to the side, and saw Link sitting there amongst Impa and a few others. He was flexing his battered shoulder, trying to make sure that it had full mobility. Romulus followed her eyes with his own, and smiled wistfully at the way she looked at him.

"Ah…I would have guessed." He said. "Love." Zelda looked back at him, confused.

"What?" She asked. Romulus smiled.

"He used the boy, didn't he?" He asked. He looked over at Link. "I saw the way you looked at him just now, and I saw the way that he reflexively stood in front of you when I first arrived. I even saw him on the battlefields through your castle. There is a deep affection between the two of you, one that the spirits themselves might not be able to describe." He smiled. "If more loved the way you love him and that he loved you, then maybe there wouldn't be so many wars fought for such foolish reasons." He said. Zelda nodded.

"He…had killed a man in front of me, and I didn't even flinch." Zelda said quietly. "But…when he threatened to do it to him…it's like I couldn't even think straight. I couldn't bear the thought of him not being there. I just…couldn't. And in that moment, I guess even the Goddesses took a backseat to us." She sighed. "It's so selfish but…"

"…You love him." Romulus finished. "That was how he got to me."

"How so?" Zelda asked. A single tear fell from Romulus' cheek.

"He beat my son to death in front of the entire camp." He said. There was a pause as he let that sink in, as if he was finally forcing himself to admit it was the truth. "I…I didn't even have the luxury of pleading for his life. I simply came back from my raid to see my entire kingdom cowed into fearful obedience…and the broken body of my boy lying at his feet." He sniffled, and made eye contact. "He didn't even let me give him a funeral*! He made me bury him in an unmarked grave…like some chattel."

He took a moment to compose himself.

"I…apologize. This was only so recent that I scarcely believe it happened. But that is the truth, your majesty. I come seeking an alliance with you. A sort of meeting of former enemies in order to remove a greater evil. One, because it is the right thing to do, to help another that has been knocked into the dirt like myself. Two? I want revenge." Romulus snarled, and for a brief moment Zelda caught a glimpse of the berserker warrior that he must have been in his youth. But then, as quick as a flash, it was gone. And in its place was a tired, old man. He sighed.

"Will you help me, your majesty? Will you grant this request of a foolish old man, who has tired of war?"

Zelda's response was immediate.

…

"Does this strike you as profoundly bizarre?"

Lana looked up from her spellbook, and glanced over at Itami. The Ravager was sitting next to her, sharpening the multitude of knives he kept on his person. He was also staring at the sight of Hyrulians and Bulblins drilling in the field, practicing and getting each other back into fighting shape. She raised an eyebrow.

"What's that?" She asked. Itami pointed over at the drilling soldiers.

"Did you ever think in a million years that Bulblins would be allied with Hyrulians? Ever?" He asked. Lana shrugged.

"Truthfully, I stopped reacting with shock to anything anymore." She said. "A near-death experience will do that to you."

"N-near death?" Itami asked, paling slightly. Lana looked over at him poignantly.

"Absolutely." She said. "I didn't realize just how close it was until, well, we got here and I got a chance to get healthier." She said.

"How are you feeling, by the way?" Itami asked. Lana smiled, and held up her broken hand. It was clearly healing.

"Much better thanks to you." She said.

"Uh…what did you, uh, I mean, this might be a bit of a weird quest-"

"Light." Lana said, cutting Itami off. "I saw light. And it was warm and pretty and silky and I so very much wanted to be a part of it. I thought I saw someone that I might have once known…half a lifetime ago. But…I didn't go."

"Why not?" Itami asked. "Were you scared?"

"Not at all." Lana said. She stood up, and brushed her spellbook off. "I just heard a voice that came from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It sounded like a trio, really."

"What did it-they say?" Itami asked. Lana looked at him and smiled mysteriously.

"It said 'you aren't done yet.'" She said. "And I have you to thank for that, Itami." She said, walking off to the center of the camp. She left behind a very puzzled Ravager.

…

"HIYAH!" Ishaka blocked an attacking strike, and swept out the legs of the Bulblin. "Too easy, pidgin! Yer fixin' ta die out 'ere?" He barked.

"NO!" The Bulblin barked, roaring back up to his feet. Ishaka's eyes narrowed.

"Then hit me like a man."

"He is quite the rambunctious fellow." Romulus observed from the sideline. Impa, who had taken a break from the training herself, nodded.

"He's been a little out of it recently. It's great to see him back in action." Romulus looked up at her pensively.

"If I was a younger man, I would certainly take a chance at him out there." He gestured to the sight of Ishaka blocking a spear strike, kicking his opponent in the gut, and then hip-tossing him to the ground before grabbing a side headlock. "He is strong as any of my warriors."

"Well…he isn't exactly normal…" Impa said. Romulus looked up at her.

"Why? Is there something different about him? Is he an especially gifted Craol? I must admit, I've never seen one with quite that complexion before. Maybe once, perhaps…"

Impa was about to respond, but then decided that perhaps it was best not to.

…

Later that day, as the fires burned to keep the refugees warm and patrols of Bulblins on horseback rode in protective circles around the camp, the brain trust of the force met in the center of the camp. A few lanterns had been lit over the makeshift war table that they had set up, bathing the map on the table in a pallid light.

"They expect me to chase you to these ruins." Romulus said, gesturing to a spot on the western portion of the map. There, Ghirahim and Zant plan to spring the noose and slaughter all. It is a rather cynically brilliant strategy, if I do say so myself."

"I thank the Goddesses that you defected." Zelda said, paling at the thought of the prevented bloodbath. Romulus snorted.

"Please. I didn't defect so much as I refused to take his side. I was never his to begin with." He said. He pointed to the center of the desert ruins. "There is an oasis in the center of the ruins, as well as one to the northern portion of the ruins. While the northern oasis might be infeasible at the early stages of the battle, capturing the one in the center is of the utmost importance. It is terribly hot in this section of the desert, and any form of relief is crucial for survival." He said.

"I can imagine. My men will sweat to death in their armor." Lord Gawain said.

"Remove it except for the leather underarmor, and some light gauntlets, etc." Romulus said. "Our only hope is to hit them fast and invoke the element of surprise. If you wear heavy metal armor and chainmail, you will die before the first enemy you see."

"Wonderful." Gawain said with a trace of sarcasm. "I always hated this bloody uniform."

"The two commanders are Ghirahim and Zant." Romulus said. "They're both nuttier than a fruitcake, but if I had to guess I would say that Zant is the one that is most prone to inconsistent action and decision-making."

"I'll speak to that." Lana said quietly, shuddering. Ryu, who'd seen what the Twili could do, nodded in agreement.

"That means that Ghirahim is the brains?" Zelda asked.

"Essentially." Romulus said. "He's a vain and contemptible bastard, but he is very skilled with his weapon and is a good strategist. He does tend to think that he is unbeatable, which I suppose is understandable given his track record with us."

"Funny, I remember him being rather meek with my sword through his fucking chest." Link said. Zelda looked over at him, shocked that he would resort to such language. Link shrugged. "What? I guess Ishaka is rubbing off on me."

The Ravager captain smirked, and fist-bumped the hero. Romulus noted this exchange with amusement, and then pointed back to the map.

"They're going to have the ruins themselves held as tight as a tick." He said. "I would recommend coming in from the south, taking the outland camps and then the center oasis. Once we've established that, we can work on dislodging Zant and Ghirahim." He cleared his throat. "This battle will be important, because if we can take the ruins, that offers my riders a seam through the northern mountains of Hyrule that takes them directly towards the Goron kingdom. I imagine we will need Petra's forces in our final assault against Ganondorf. I'd like to see how smug he is at the sight of Goron artillery pounding his position."

Zelda winced at the thought of her castle being smashed by artillery, but decided to bite her tongue on the grounds that she was in no position to complain.

"I think then, the best move is a swinging gate." Gawain said after a moment's thought. "Any disagreements?"

None were raised. He nodded.

"Good." He said. "Then I think this is how it should go. Let's have Impa and I lead the southern part of the advance. We're the bottom half of the 'fence' in this situation. Link, Zelda and Romulus can have a mix of Ravagers, some Bulblins and a few spare Hyrulians to serve in the middle, as the proverbial 'gate' that swings in closes everything off. That leaves Itami, Lana and Ishaka. You guys take whatever is left of the Ravagers and the majority of the Bulblins, and serve as the northern part of the fence. You can't let any one of them get around you and to the north. That'll be their first instinct, since Impa and I will have the benefit of the River Hylia as an eventual roadblock to the west, so long as we stay parallel to them. You guys don't have that luxury. That fair?"

Again, no complaints. He nodded, a smirk on his face.

"Ok, great. I guess we'd better break camp tomorrow. Wait any longer and I think that Ghirahim and Zant will get suspicious."

…

The following morning, as the sun was beginning to rise, those that could fight prepared for the march towards the desert ruins where they would meet their fate. Despite the insistence of Zelda, the majority of men and women in her camps refused to be left behind, donning whatever armor and weaponry that they could find. In the end, it was only the infirm and the sick and deathly old that could not go. Lady Grantham was left in charge of the refugee camp.

"Please come back in one piece, my lady." She said to Zelda, who was getting astride her white horse. "By the structure of things, if anything happens to you that leaves me as the de facto queen. And I do not want that responsibility!" She said. "You are the ruler of this country, not me."

"Maria, you sell yourself short." Zelda said. She led her horse away from a few Bulblins riding their warbeasts, creatures that were sturdy enough to carry several Hyrulians and Ravagers as well as the Bulblin itself. "I promise you that nothing will happen to me…but if something were…I know that you would do an excellent job." She nodded graciously towards the lady, and joined the rest of the army as it began to ride off towards the ruins.

It would be another hour before Maria Grantham realized that her son was not in the camp with her.

…

"Yer mother is gonna kill me." Ishaka grumbled, as he spurred his horse to catch up with the front of the line.

"Naw, I'll say it was my idea!" Baron Matthew Grantham said, riding on his dusty brown steed. The young man had intentionally snuck off to the Ravager portion of the camp the previous night, in order to get a disguising makeover so that his mother wouldn't see him amongst the leaving soldiers. He'd gotten his hair shaved into a Mohawk similar to Itami's, and Ishaka had personally applied the demon-like facepaint that covered the young boy's face. It was a mix of black and red, with a facsimile of a demon's jaws that started on his chin and ended at the base of his collarbone. When the young man tucked his chin towards his chest, it looked like the "teeth" of his jaws had closed. Itami had thought that the kid was being an idiot, but didn't object any further.

"Kid, d'ya even know how ta fight?" Ishaka asked. Matthew looked offended.

"Absolutely! I was a champion jouster, and I have a mean shot with a bow and arrow! Don't worry about me, just worry about being the kickass I know you are!"

Ishaka sighed, but did his best to follow the kid's suggestion.

…

It was later that afternoon when they saw the ruins ahead of them. It was unlike anything that most of them had ever seen. They'd been riding for hours, and the sight in front of them made it all worth it somehow. It was a massive series of half-buried monuments and remnants of gigantic castles, as if this had once been the domain of ones larger than human. The sand whipped through the wind like stinging gnats, and though the breeze was cool the heat waves that emited from the sand made it clear that this place was hellishly hot.

"Well, this is it." Zelda said quietly. Lord Gawain, who had ridden alongside her for the entire trip, nodded. He whistled, and began to lead his portion of the forces to the south along with Impa, which in turn motivated Link and Zelda to rendezvous with Romulus in the center. With a cackle, Ishaka moved his portion of the forces to the north.

The noose was being laid around the enemy's neck.

…

Ghirahim watched this all from his high position on the far ruins with a bored tone. He stifled the urge to yawn. To be honest, he'd had reservations about that dirty Bulblin from the moment that master Ganondorf had gotten his fealty. The Demon Tribe leader correctly surmised that the only reason that the Bulblin remained loyal to Ganondorf was because either he or one of his two lieutenants was there, and that the moment he wasn't under direct supervision he would attempt to work out a peace with those excreble humans and then foolishly try to turn the tide. Zant hadn't bought it, but then who was the one that was really in charge here?

Ghirahim pointed dismissively to the sight of the coalition for the benefit of Zant right next to him, and couldn't resist the urge to be smug.

"Say it."

"No."

"Saaaay it."

"Ugh, fine!" Zant hissed. "You were right, and I was wrong." The Twili shuddered, as if the admission was like poison in his veins. Ghirahim smirked triumphantly.

"And don't you forget it." He gave in and yawned. "These sentient mortals and their 'plans.' They fail to realize that I am just as cunning as them on their best days, and clearly their superior on my worst. Though, this does pose a great opportunity."

"What's that?" Zant asked. Ghirahim smirked.

"We crush the humans and their filthy allies, and then report back to Lord Ganondorf that an…unfortunate accident befell the Bulblins."

"You really think he's gonna buy that?" Zant asked skeptically. "He's just going to buy the fact that every single…filthy…disgusting…" he was rapidly giving in to bloodlust even as he spoke. "…wretched Bulblin met a horrible end in these ruins by means of an accident?"

"Of course not, but I don't give a shit." Ghirahim said. "And neither will he, in the end. It's one less loose end to tie up. With the Triforce in his hands, he could waltz into the Zora Kingdom and the Goron Kingdom single-handedly if he wished to and then mount their leaders' heads on pikes if that was his preferred method. The Bulblins are extraneous. I'm fairly certain he was going to kill their king after this was done, anyway. I'm just saving him time." He turned to Zant. "Send out the troops to match their puny little formation, but do not attack."

"Why not?" Zant asked. "We've got them right where we want them!"

"Because, my delighted deluded friend, I want to take advantage of the psychology." Ghirahim said. "And while I know that that is a field that is quite alien to you (though I'm sure you'd benefit greatly from utilizing it), this is important. It isn't enough to make them die. They need to feel that animalistic fear that all of those meatbags feel…and then we kill them. It's basic psychology: remove all hope, and then end their petty little lives. Do you understand that?"

The Twili just smiled. Ghirahim nodded.

"Excellent! Now, let's scare them shitless."

…

It was roughly a half hour later when Gawain and Impa saw the advancing army of darkness approaching them.

"What the hell?" Gawain said in shock. "They shouldn't know that we're here!" He cursed. "Dammit! All that planning, and we're still stuck in a set-piece battle after all."

"Don't give up yet, Lee." Impa said, though she too was feeling a slight amount of dread. "They haven't attacked us yet."

"It's only a matter of time!" Gawain said. "They're sitting there, knowing that we don't have the manpower or the guts to try anything crazy. And then, when we least expect it…they're gonna come in for the kill."

"Then we die like warriors." Impa said serenely. Gawain scowled.

"Bah! I'd give anything for some lunacy on our side right now."

…

At that point, word of the inevitable counterattack had permeated throughout the coalition line. Itami scowled and resisted the urge to facepalm. He looked over his shoulder to Lana, who was riding on the same horse as he was and currently clinging around his stomach for balance.

"I don't suppose you have some sort of magic spell that could kill them all?" He asked wistfully. Lana sighed.

"I'm sorry, Itami. I have some spells that I want to use in this fight and one really big one if I have the opportunity and the strength, but I can't waste anything right now. And I definitely don't have an extermination spell." Itami normally would have cursed, but instead he laughed bitterly.

"Welp! It was worth a try!" He scowled at the sight of the enemy slowly advancing towards them. They were getting very close now. "This is insanity. Couldn't we just, I don't know, attack them before they attack us?"

"I doubt it." Lana said. "None of our soldiers are crazy enough to try."

…

"Bah!"

Ishaka snarled, and trotted his horse back and forth down the line. He turned towards the Bulblins right behind him, and shrugged. "'Old steady, boys! We'll kick 'em in th' ass when th' time comes! An' not a moment too soon!"

While this was good to quell the Ravagers, there were plenty of Bulblins that were chomping at the bit. It was clear that it was only the charisma of Ishaka that was keeping them from attacking. Baron Grantham turned towards one of the Bulblins beside him.

"Hey, buddy." He asked. The pug-faced Bulblin turned to face him, and Matthew tried not to flinch at the sight of the impressively large nose ring that the being had.

"What?" The Bulblin grunted. Sheepishly, Matthew cleared his throat.

"D'ya got something to drink? This facepaint…it's kinda hot."

To his surprise, the Bulblin laughed heartily. It reached into its pounch, and handed Matthew a flask.

"Of course, whelp! Careful, though: it's rather-"

"BLEEUH!" Matthew managed to take a sip of the stuff before spitting it out in disgust. "What the hell is that?"

"Bulblin grog!" The being said proudly. "Home-brewed. Stiff alcohol. I'm surprised a milk-drinking Hyrulian like you got even a sip down! That's enough for respect in my book, boy. What is your name?"

"Matthew Grantham." He said. The Bulblin smirked.

"A fine name, but not suited for battle!" He said. He turned to the Bulblins that made up his squad, and gestured towards Matthew. "The whelp needs a war-name! Perhaps one that reflects his warpaint?"

"Finn!"

"Balor!"

"The Red One!"

"The Demon!"

"Alright, alright!" The Bulblin said. He turned to Matthew. "A fine bunch of brains, they have. I am Balrok Stone-Crusher. I got my name from the time I crushed a rock in my hands in a battle of strength to woo a female!" He smirked. "You are now Matthew Red-Demon! Do you think it fits?"

"Oh, y-yeah." Matthew said, not wanting to start fan-boying at how impossibly awesome he felt in that moment. He raised the flask again, and to the cheers of the Bulblins around him, he bravely took another sip.

"Ooh boy, a drink? If'n yeh don' mind?" Ishaka was there before anyone could react, and snatched the flask out of Matthew's hands. He uncorked the thing, and began to chug the liquid like he was a parched man in the desert having stumbled upon the last glass of water. He stopped to let out a satisfied "ah!" as the Bulblins and Matthew stared at him in silent horror and amazement. Ishaka rode outwards towards the enemy, and Matthew turned towards Balrok.

"Does that one know that was roughly 50% pure alcohol?" Balrok managed to ask. Matthew gulped.

"No, I don't think so." He managed to squeak. Balrok smirked.

"This should be good."

…

Ishaka was feeling in a good mood. Maybe it was the drink he'd downed. Maybe it was something else. He didn't know. He just felt good. Chuckling at a private joke, he rode his horse towards the enemy line, lazily getting closer and closer. He peered out towards them, and let out a shout.

"Ahoy, gents!" He shouted. "How goes it, yeh dum' bast'rds?" He asked.

No response. He giggled at the sight of them all looking back and forth at each other, as if they were wondering what the hell this human was doing.

"What the hell is he doing?" Gawain muttered, peering into a telescope from him end of the line to observe Ishaka's flirting with disaster. Impa could only watch with morbid fascination and silent horror.

"I gots ta say, y'all seem ta be nice 'uns!" Ishaka said. He was riding back and forth steadily on his horse, not once breaking eye contact with the enemy. "But if'n I may, that ain't gonna save ya! 'Specially not from me!" He smiled gleefully. "It turns out, I be a G'rudo, jus' like yer boss Ganondorf! An' not a halfin', but a full-on, G'rudo! So wha' does tha' make me? I dunno 'bout you, but I figger it makes me like yer king! So…does tha' mean I be yer king? D'ya 'ave ta bow ta me?" There was a pause, and he scratched his chin in thought. "I think it does!" He paused. "C'mon, yeh idiots! Bow ta yer king!"

There was an incredulous pause. The enemies just stared at this lunatic in front of them, wondering if the heat had caused him to lose his mind. Ishaka stared at them in frustration, and then blew a raspberry with his tongue.

"Aaaaaaaah, fuck you! Y'all ain't worthy ta be m'subjects! Ah well, 'least this drink 'ere knows I'm a king." Ishaka tipped the flask back to enjoy some more of that beverage.

At that moment, an arrow came flying out through the air, somewhere from the enemy line. It did not strike Ishaka or his horse, as it was intended as a warning shot. However, in the heat and in the midst of the need to see that human shut the fuck up, the Bokoblin archer had veered a little too close. The arrow pierced through the leatherskin flash, punching a hole through it and causing the contents inside to spill out. Some of it landed on the mane of Ishaka's horse (who whinnied in annoyance), some on his lap, and the rest onto the hot desert sand. There was a hissing noise as it evaporated.

There was a pause. Ishaka stared in confusion at the now-ruined flask as if he was trying to piece it all together. Finally, he did, and he turned towards the enemy line and shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Aw, that was jus' ungen'rous! I'll take your swords for that!"

It had been a hot day. Both sides were itching for a fight. Especially the Bulblins, who'd been none too pleased to be under the yokel of Ganondorf's forces. So in this hyper-charged moment, they were willing to fight to the death for this larger-than-life man named Ishaka who'd spent so little time with them but had done his best to ingratiate himself with them. And they respected him. And if there was one thing that Bulblins could not tolerate, it was a sign of disrespect. Especially towards their leader.

So, in the midst of the heat and the frustration and the hope for revenge, the Bulblins under Ishaka's command did not interpret the shouted insult as a tongue-in-cheek outburst.

They interpreted it as an order.

There was a roar, and then the sound of battle horns. Before anyone knew what was happening, the Bulblins began galloping into the enemy force. The armies of darkness barely had time to react, let along time a poorly aimed arrow, before they were beset by a tidal wave of vengeful Bulblins. The Ravagers that had been part of Ishaka's flank watched this in confusion, and then realized that they were getting upstaged. There was a roar, and they too joined the battle. And in the midst of the mayhem, the army of light began to push the army of darkness back towards the temple, instead of merely holding the line.

…

From his position on the southern flank, Lord Gawain watched this with alarm.

"Wha-I-ghr-jgb-what the hell is going on?" He managed to sputter. Despite herself, Impa smiled.

"He's back." She whispered to herself.

And then she reached for her war horn, and gave the signal to charge.

Et sic concludit hunc actum

HYRULIAN CODEX

Bulblin funerals – Bulblins are a strangely spiritual people when it comes to battlefield deaths. They believe that if a soldier dies bravely in battle, then the soul of that soldier is trapped in his body until he is given a true warrior's funeral. In such a military-heavy society as the Bulblins, the only real acceptable choice is a funeral by pyre.