Playing the Game

by Amrun

By night, she dreamed of killing him, of playing her hand all at once and going out in a blaze of glory. By day, she kowtowed with just enough stiffness to show him her fantasies. In return, he forced her moves like she was just a piece on his shogi board - and she was. Kakasaku, Spoilers up to Manga 452

37. Start of Part III: The Game

Let's play a game.

Darkness surrounded Sakura. She had no idea where she was until a single beam of light shone down on her. She was in the stirrups of Dr. Akiyama's examining room, legs spread open, but for some reason, she was naked.

What was she doing here? Why was the chair red? Wasn't it usually white?

Sakura looked down at herself and realized that the chair was red because it was soaked with her blood, the same blood streaking her thighs. It spread from between her legs in an ever-widening pool that began to spill over the end of the examining chair. She searched for a wound and only when she couldn't find one did she realize the blood was coming from her vagina. She tried to stem the flow with her hands, but it was no use. She could hear it steadily splashing to the floor.

Sakura began to panic. This was worse than any period she'd ever had. The volume of blood was impossible and steadily rising; it was now a sea that was lapping against her heels.

Sakura called for help, but no one answered. Instead, she felt something pushing against her fingers, straining to expel from her vagina.

Wondering for one brief moment how she had failed to notice she was pregnant, Sakura withdrew her hands and watched as a red mass seeped from her and used its fleshy appendages as arms to prop itself up at the end of the examining table between her feet.

It was her uterus. Vaguely, Sakura thought she should be feeling some sort of pain, but she was entirely numb.

A mouth opened on the uterus and it spoke in Dr. Akiyama's voice.

"Are you a woman?"

Sakura didn't answer and it used its arms to drag itself a little closer to her, leaving a wake in the blood still pooled on the chair.

"Are you a woman?"

"Yes," Sakura said, hoping if she answered its question, it would stop speaking.

"Are you a woman?"

Sakura's eyes moved between her legs again and widened when she saw a penis there, standing proudly stiff and erect.

"I am a woman," Sakura insisted, feeling the penis to make sure it was real. "This isn't mine."

"Are you sure?"

Sakura wanted to be sure, but it felt like hers. When she touched the veiny shaft, it felt good. When she tugged on the pink hairs at its base, it hurt.

"I'm supposed to be a woman," she said, voice shaky.

"Are you sure?" the uterus repeated as it crawled closer, its grotesque slit of a mouth curling into something like a sneer. "Don't men have it easy? Don't they get respect without trying?"

"Yes," she whispered. "It's not fair."

"What do you want to be?"

"A ninja."

"And what are you?"

"A kunoichi."

"What do people see when they look at you?"

"A girl."

"What do you want them to see?"

"A ninja."

The uterus dragged itself closer to her, making horrible squelching noises. "So don't you want to be a man?"

"No." Sakura recoiled, scrambling against the back of the chair to try to stop it from touching her, but there was nowhere else to go.

"Don't you want to be a man?"

"No. I want to be equal."

The uterus stopped moving forward.

"Do women have any advantages over men?"

"Not in the ninja world. They have to sacrifice their personal lives and no one even cares –"

"What about Chouji? Does he sacrifice?"

"Yes, but –"

"Is he a woman?"

"No. Chouji's an exception."

"Is he stronger than you because he's a man?"

Chouji could probably take her in battle, but that was because he was an Akamichi, regardless of gender. "No."

"Is he weak?"

"No."

"Are you weak?"

Sakura hesitated. "No."

The uterus dragged closer.

"And if Chouji were on this mission instead of you? Would Ito have folded?"

"Eventually, I'm sure –"

It came closer. "Would Ito have folded in time for a man?"

"Probably not, but –"

"Would Jino be half as interested in you if you were a man?"

"That's not an advantage –"

"He vouched for you with Matsushita, didn't he?"

"Matsushita doubted me just because I'm a woman. I had to hide behind a fake father to –"

"Would Matsushita even have let you in the door if you weren't a woman?"

"Eventually. I –"

"Would he have allowed your guard?"

"That's only because he thought women were weak!"

"Would you be alive without that assumption?"

Sakura didn't answer.

"Would you?"

"Probably not."

"Then why do you want to throw me away?"

"I don't. I want to cure my –"

"Why do you want to throw me away?" The uterus' voice rose higher in pitch until it was a tremulous wail. "Why do you want to throw me away?"

"You make me weak."

"How?"

"You make me faint. You make me woozy. It could –"

"How do I make you weak?"

"I told you –"

"Do I make you a woman?"

"Yes, but –"

"How do I make you weak?"

Sakura opened her legs wider as the uterus advanced, attempting to keep it from brushing her.

"Do I make you a woman?"

"Yes!"

"How do I make you weak?"

Sakura started as she realized that somewhere along the way, her penis had disappeared, a vagina now in its place.

"You make me a woman."

"Are women weak?"

The uterus dragged itself closer again, its flesh beginning to touch the inside of her thighs.

"Yes!" she shouted, desperate to stop its advance.

The uterus stopped. "Why?"

"Biology."

"Are you a woman?"

"Yes."

"Are you weak?"

"No."

The uterus moved forward, sending shivers up Sakura's spine where it pushed against her.

"Are you weak?"

"Yes."

She whimpered, trying to cringe away from the uterus, but it was almost at her apex by now.

"Is Tsunade a woman?"

"Yes."

"Is she weak?"

"No."

"Are women weak?"

Trapped by her own logic, Sakura knew she had to refuse, but she was scared if she did, the uterus would come closer.

"No," she finally said, breathing a sigh of relief when the uterus did not move.

"Do I make you a woman?"

"Yes."

"Do I make you weak?"

The uterus touched her opening with its appendages, parting her.

Closing her eyes, Sakura whispered her answer.

"No."

Sakura hoped it would leave her alone now, but she felt it spread her further and shove into her. She opened her eyes just in time to see the last of it disappear back inside her.

The chair disappeared from under her and she dropped into the ocean of blood. She flailed for the surface and her hand found a hard edge, which she used to pull herself up. She coughed up some blood she'd aspirated in panic, so busy trying to catch her breath that she barely even noticed when the beam of light came again.

This time, though, the light didn't shine on her. It illuminated an empty gallows. Matsushita stepped onto the platform wearing nothing but women's underwear and makeup.

"What is Konohagakure?"

As Matsushita spoke, the flesh began to slough off his face.

Sakura eyed him warily, waiting for him to come closer. "A ninja village."

"Why?"

"It's the same as any other. It united ninja clans to restore peace."

"If it's the same as any other, why do you fight for it? Why not Rock?"

"Rock isn't Konoha."

"Isn't it? Does Rock not also want peace?"

There was a scrap of skin hanging off his sharp chin that flapped when he spoke.

"Rock's marching on us, not the other way around."

"And who declared war?"

The flap of skin dropped to the wooden platform with a sickening plop.

"Konoha did."

"Why?"

"They killed Deushi Junichi."

"How many scouts has Konoha killed?"

"I don't know."

"Why not?"

"It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter if a war is justified?"

"It's not my decision."

"So you let your people, even your own classmates, die without even thinking about it?"

There was no skin at all on Matsushita's skull now, and yet he still spoke, the hollow sockets of his eyes boring into her.

"Of course I think about it. I can't change it."

"And the citizens of Stone Country. How many of them were burned as witches because of you? How many minds did your poison slowly steal –"

"I can't mourn for the death of every enemy ninja, I just can't –"

"Enemy ninja? Is that what you think? Who ate that wheat?"

"The ninja of the outpost," Sakura said, but she had to swallow bile.

"And who else?"

"Don't say it, please." There was a truth coming, a hard truth she had been hiding from that was catching up to her now.

Too empty, a voice said in her head. Too empty. The village that she'd run back to with a downed Ryoji had been so full of life when they first passed through, and so quiet the second time – too few chimneys spewing smoke, too many abandoned looking houses when there hadn't been any before. Sakura had allowed Ryoji to pre-occupy her, had allowed herself to ignore how the door to the clinic hadn't even been locked and how it had been messy and devoid of almost all medication, as if it had been stripped in a hurry. Too empty.

"Who else?"

"It was too much food," she whispered, closing her eyes. "Too much food for that small fort."

"Who else?"

"Civilians, probably. Farmers. Blacksmiths. They wouldn't understand until it was too late, but there's nothing I could do."

"Did you question it? Did you try?"

She buried her head in her hands. "No."

"Did you think even once about the children you were murdering?"

Sakura's fingernails dug into her forehead, and she suddenly understood Matsushita's urge to rip his own face off. Any other sort of pain would be better than this. Anything.

"Never," she whispered. "I was proud."

"You could have killed the Stone nin, tipped them off. The wheat would have been discovered. Why didn't you?"

"I wanted to be one of them. The group. I just wanted to be their equal. I didn't think, I didn't think –"

A hand reached out to cup Sakura's face. She opened her eyes and Kitagawa Mirei was looking at her with concern in her familiar brown eyes.

"What did the mission achieve?"

"A dip in Rock's strength. Confusion," Sakura said, wishing there was accusation in Mirei's gentle face.

"Was it worth it?"

"No."

Sakura looked at Mirei closer and realized that her head was on backwards, her arm stretched out behind her awkwardly in order to touch Sakura. Sakura scrambled away and Mirei crawled towards her, her hair brushing the floor as it fell down from her cockeyed head in a long, blonde sheet.

"Why do you fight for Konoha?"

"Because it's my home," Sakura said, still scuttling back on all fours.

"You could live anywhere. Does Konoha deserve your fealty?"

Sakura hit a wall and scrunched up as small as possible. "No."

"Why do you fight for Konoha?" Mirei said, crawling towards her unnaturally fast.

"I don't!" Sakura screamed, straining against the wall again, wishing her chakra would come back so she could knock it down.

"Who do you fight for?"

"I fight for my friends!"

The light disappeared again. Sakura listened, but there were no sounds of Mirei dragging across the floor.

Sakura stood and began to feel the length the wall, sidling along hoping to find a way out of this place, wherever it was.

Eventually, she hit something, and turned toward it, relieved, but froze when she heard the distinctive schick of a weapon being drawn.

Cold steel touched her neck. She closed her eyes, though it hardly made any difference in the deep dark, and waited for the end.

"Am I your friend?"

Sakura knew that voice.

"I don't know. Are you?"

Sasuke pulled her towards him, until her nakedness was pressed against the length of his body. Still, his sword kissed her neck.

"Do you trust me not to kill you?"

"Yes," she said, hoping that since no one was around for Sasuke to show off to, it would be true.

He shifted and she reacted, trying to flip Sasuke over her head. She failed, but managed to close her hands around his blade to send it clattering to the ground. She clenched her hands to stem the blood flow. It was a futile effort all around; her palms were sliced to the bone and Sasuke didn't need a katana to kill her with.

"Liar."

Sakura crouched in defensive position, breathing heavily, listening for signs of his movement.

"Am I your friend?"

"You're still my friend even if I'm not yours, Sasuke."

"Why?"

"Because I made a commitment."

"To do what?"

"Bring you home."

"Konoha isn't my home anymore."

"We're your home."

A slow rustling began. Sasuke was circling around her like a shark that smelled blood in the water. She tried to keep facing him so that he couldn't ambush her from behind, but it was impossible to pinpoint his exact location.

"Why do you want me back?"

"It's where you belong."

"Why do you want me back?"

"You're holding Naruto back, out there."

"Why do you want me back?"

Sakura didn't answer, whirling towards his voice.

"Is it because you still want to bear my children?"

The voice came from behind her, tickling her ear. She whirled again.

"No. I don't want to bear anyone's children, ever."

"So you want me to come home so you can watch me rebuild my clan ... with someone else?"

"I don't care what you do about your stupid clan. Am I in your eyes right now? Tell me, Sasuke!"

A beam of light came from nowhere to shine on Sasuke, but he wasn't the tall man she'd pressed against moments ago. It was Sasuke, her Sasuke, their Sasuke, the one that only existed in the past and maybe only in her mind.

"I love you, Sakura."

Sakura's eyes widened.

"That's why I left you behind. I wanted to spare you from Orochimaru, from being a missing nin. When I come home, I want to be together."

"Sasuke..." She took a step towards him.

His face twisted into a sneer more intense than any expression he'd ever had.

"How pathetic. You still believe it, don't you?"

Sakura buried her face in her bloody hands. She really was pathetic. For a second, just a fraction of a second, she had believed him. She had told herself that for years, all the way up until he tried to stab her like she was just another trash opponent to him.

"You would do it, wouldn't you?"

Sasuke's voice was low, smooth, and just as confident as she remembered it. Sakura refused to look at him.

"Wouldn't you, Sakura?"

"No," she said, but barely any sound came out of her mouth. "No."

"So if I came home tomorrow and asked you to marry me, you would say no?"

"I'll never marry, especially not you."

Her voice stronger now, she lifted her head from her hands.

"And if I turned to someone else – Ino, maybe? You would let me?"

"Why would I stop you if it made you happy?"

"And as you watched her have my children, watched them grow up, you wouldn't be jealous?"

"No," Sakura said, too harshly.

The vision changed to a happy family, Ino with her hair long again and Sasuke, grown up and without the gaunt look, a small boy with black hair and dark eyes holding their hands.

"Isn't this what you always wanted?" Sasuke said.

"I don't want that sort of box anymore."

"Wouldn't you be jealous if I got Sasuke-kun all to myself, Forehead?" Ino said, kissing Sasuke on the cheek.

Sasuke turned to kiss Ino full on the mouth. The little boy wrinkled his nose.

"Gross, Daddy!"

"Stop," Sakura said, voice ragged. "Stop it."

Ino grinned. "You're jealous. I knew it."

Sakura wanted to deny it, but it felt like a monster was trying to break free from her chest, and she couldn't.

Sasuke walked up to her. "As long as I'm happy, right? After all this time, you still want me, and you're still a liar."

Sakura took a step backwards. "I don't want you, Sasuke. Not like that."

He leaned forward into her face. "Liar."

Something let loose in her and she roared, swinging an open palm to slap him despite the deep cut across it. He caught her wrist before the blow fell.

"I just want you to care about me," Sakura whispered. "To acknowledge me. That's all I've ever wanted."

He kissed her, his lips soft at first and then open, his tongue trying to worm its way into her mouth.

She pushed him away. "I told you. Not like that."

His face was neutral. "If you can't have one, I thought you might take the other instead."

"You do care about me, Sasuke. About us. You saved Kakashi as much as I did, that day."

"Him, maybe. He's useful, unlike you."

Sakura closed her eyes, no longer wanting to see Sasuke's painfully handsome face. "I wish you were dead."

Sasuke made the noise he made when he smirked, the little grunt she would never forget. "Some friend you are."

"As long as Danzou's Hokage, you'll never be able to come home. And even if you could... Can you come back? Truly come back?"

She opened her eyes and Sasuke's gaze was boring into her. "You tell me. Can I?"

"Naruto thinks so, and I tried to take hope from the last time we saw you, but... All it truly showed me is how much you're suffering. You hurt so much, Sasuke. How can you ever stop when you hurt that much?"

He didn't answer her.

"Death is the only place you're going to find peace now," Sakura whispered. "I want that for you. You deserve to have peace."

The light faded and Sakura was left alone in the dark again. She stumbled back towards the direction she thought the wall was in, and before long, she found it. She felt along it as she was doing before, hoping to get somewhere – anywhere, really.

"Sak – Sakura!"

Sakura whirled; she knew that voice, and the desperation in it. It was Ino, and she was in trouble.

"Sakura!"

"Ino! Where are you?"

The only response was a high scream, trailing off into sobs. Sakura tried to calm her racing heart and enter the state of heightened senses, the zone of precision she found only in battle. With a few deep breaths and another scream from Ino, Sakura was there. She triangulated Ino's general location and raced towards it, all nakedness and pain forgotten.

Everything was the deep black of midnight when clouds covered the moon, still, but Sakura was in a forest, crashing through the brush. Branches and brambles reached out and raked her body. Sakura ignored them, concentrating on avoiding the biggest obstacles in the darkness.

"Sakura!"

Ino didn't, or couldn't, ask for help, but Sakura didn't need her to. The possibilities flew through her head, the most likely theory involving Sasuke getting ahold of her. The panic that might normally have taken Sakura was gone, cold purpose in its place. She broke through a last wall of forest into a clearing, the suddenness of light blinding her. When she blinked away the spots, she saw ten men surrounding an Ino crouched on all fours, baring her bloody teeth.

Dread settled into the pit of Sakura's stomach. She knew where she was, knew it like she knew her mother's face.

"Ino!" she called, but no one turned around.

They couldn't hear her. Helplessly, Sakura looked beyond the men to the other side of the clearing, where she knew what she'd see.

She saw herself, hair wild and brain matter smattered all over her face, her features contorting in an ugly rage as one man fondled Ino's exposed breast, roughly smearing her own blood across it. In a flurry of movement, the other Sakura moved, sending two shuriken to slam into the back of two men's necks in a precise spot that dropped them instantly, downing a third with a kunai between the eyes. Distracted as they were, they didn't see her coming and she took two more out before they could regroup – one fist through a sternum, another through a cranium. It was the fastest she'd ever moved, cold and efficient, the most perfect a ninja could ever hope to be. Never before or since had Sakura reached this pinnacle of unwasted movement, this true perfection.

Sincerely, Sakura hoped never to be that perfect again, for she knew what came next. When killing was too easy, killing wasn't enough. She had lived this day a hundred times in her dreams and never managed to change the outcome; Sakura watched herself corner the tenth man, the one that had dared to touch Ino, and turn her torture jutsu on him in anger. Looking at herself from afar was even worse – she knew she was numb as she did it, but she could see it now, too, could see that she was cold and unaffected by the man's horrific screams.

"Are you all right, Ino?" the other Sakura said, her voice flat.

Ino didn't answer, huddled on the forest floor in a ball. Sakura turned back to the man and ended the jutsu so that his screaming subsided into whimpers, and then asked Ino again to be sure she was heard. Ino only rocked, hugging herself and crying.

"You stupid bitch," the man croaked, trying to crawl toward Sakura. "You dumb whore!"

Sakura whirled to face him, face still impassive. "Shut up," she said, and kicked him as he had kicked Ino, but harder.

He cried out in pain, the sound dissolving into hacking coughs as he pulled himself to his feet. He spit some blood into the underbrush, wiping his face and grinning.

"Make me."

Sakura grinned back, the first sign of emotion she had shown. "Gladly."

She rushed at him and overpowered him easily, binding him to a tree with wire.

"This won't shut me up, you know," the man wheezed, not struggling against his bonds.

The Sakura of now knew the man was trying to taunt her into killing him swiftly, not wanting to be taken prisoner. Such a thought didn't even cross Sakura's mind then, because she had never entertained the idea of letting him leave alive, and wasn't satisfied with killing him swiftly, either.

Sakura watched herself cut the man's pants off, and his eyes grow wide as saucers as he abandoned his plan and began to flail. When his genitals were exposed, drawn close to his body in fear, Sakura grabbed them and smiled when he flinched.

"Don't you like that? Maybe I need to work on my technique a bit."

"Please, don't…" he whimpered, closing his eyes.

"Value this, do you?" Sakura said, roughly grabbing his scrotum and twisting.

He hissed, trying not to give her the satisfaction of crying out.

"Maybe if you worked on your technique, you wouldn't have to cop feels in battle. Ever think of that?"

He began to cry, fat tears streaking down his dirty face to drop from his chin.

When he began to sniffle, Sakura made a quick slice with her kunai until she was holding his bloody balls in her hand. His sniffles became agonized screams.

"I thought I told you to shut up," she said, and forced his own testicles down his throat.

The man began to choke, and she watched him with disinterest as he turned blue. Suddenly, a kunai flew with a zing from the treeline into the man's temple. Old Sakura whirled to see Tenten stepping out, face affixed into an expression of dawning horror.

"Sakura…" Tenten whispered. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

New Sakura shut her eyes, unable to stomach the look of revulsion. It was the only time she'd ever heard Tenten cuss, and she knew why. The look on her face was the one Sakura had been trying to avoid for as long as she could remember, the look that said "I know you're crazy." She had so carefully tucked away all those parts of herself, only to ruin it in one fell swoop.

"I … I got carried away," Sakura heard herself say, voice dazed. "What he did to Ino… I promised her. I promised her I wouldn't let anyone touch her ever again. And the first mission back – the first mission…"

There was a pregnant pause.

"Ino? Are you okay?" Tenten's voice was muffled as she tried to rouse Ino. "She's not even looking at me. I don't think she can hear me."

"What – what are we going to do? Where's Anko-taichou?"

"She's cataloguing the bodies to the north. Did you kill all ten of these guys by yourself?"

A pause. "What do you think will happen to me? When it gets out."

A rustle, and Tenten's voice was clearer. "Nothing, because it won't. Now help me fix the corpse so you can't tell."

"You don't have to do this, Tenten. I –"

"Look at what that bastard did to her. It's not… It's not good, but I can understand. Or I'm trying to. Let's hurry up before Anko gets here."

Sakura couldn't take it anymore. She fled, running as swiftly as her feet would take her back the way she came. Sasuke's sword would be more welcome than living another second of that day again.

Finally, she saw a light in the distance and ran toward it. It was an opening in the blank wall she had clung to before. There was a room inside and Shizune was there, performing tests on a skeleton.

"Sakura, assist with the vitals, won't you? I have a new idea to wake her up."

Sakura backed away from Shizune, running through the room to the door on the other side. Somehow, the door only opened to the closet in Shikamaru's house that Sakura had once hidden in, but she went inside anyway. Maybe she could get to the Nara estate from here...

Shizune chased after her, trying to hand Sakura Tsunade's chart, but Sakura shut the door against Shizune.

Shizune rapped on the door. "Don't you know how many things hiding is a symptom of?"

"I'm not hiding. I'm looking for a way out."

"Are you?"

Sakura realized she wasn't; she was just sitting on the closet floor, hugging her knees.

"I'm resting first."

"How long will you keep resting, Sakura? How long?"

Annoyed at Shizune's persistence – she was always like that, never letting Sakura take a quick break even if she wanted to – Sakura began to dig through the closet. It didn't take long before she found a trap door, which she opened and descended into.

The trap door opened up into her mother's room, and Sakura dropped lightly onto the floor. "Mom?"

A little girl Sakura didn't recognize padded into the room. "Who are you talking to, Mom? Remember what the medics said. You shouldn't talk to people that aren't there."

Sakura stared at the little girl. She had children now? Since when? How had her life gone so wrong to let this happen?

"Mom, why are you all dirty? You should get cleaned up. Do I have to help you?"

"No, I'll do it," Sakura said, voice raspy.

Sakura went into the bathroom and took a shower, scrubbing all the blood away. Her hands stung, so when she was done, she went to the medicine cabinet to look for something to bind them with. As she approached, though, she caught sight of herself in the mirror.

Her hair was the brown of a person who used to be blonde but didn't go out into the sun anymore. Her eyes were teal, the bags underneath them threatening to overtake her entire face. She was her mother.

"No," she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut.

When she opened them, it was still Riko staring back at her in the mirror.

She sighed and opened the medicine cabinet, applying ointment to her hands before tying them up with gauze. They would need stitches, but this was the best she could do for now.

She went back into the room and opened the closet, looking for something to wear, but the only thing on the hangers was the tatty blue bathrobe she hated so much. She looked in the drawers, but they were empty, so reluctantly, she shrugged into the robe.

Then she went exploring. She couldn't call for her apparent daughter, since it would only make her look crazier not to know her own daughter's name. The girl was nowhere to be found anyway.

Sakura had to know if there was a father, if he was around, if there was someone to take care of the child. The house – almost the house she remembered, but not quite – held no trace of him, whoever he was.

Sakura wandered outside. The street looked the same, but there were no people on it. Sakura kept going, looking for signs of life but not finding any, until she reached the third training ground. It was in the same place as the new third training ground, but looked like the one where she had become a genin.

She looked around, half expecting Naruto to explode from the tree line or to see another vision of Sasuke dying in front of her, though the prospect was less frightening now.

Maybe this had all been a lie. Maybe she was still twelve years old and stuck in Kakashi's genjutsu. Maybe this was really hell.

"Sasuke?" she called. "Naruto? Kakashi?"

"Am I senile, or are you? I'm right here."

Sakura whirled to face the voice. It was Chiyo, sitting on the stump.

"You should be in heaven, not hell," Sakura whispered.

"Why? Am I dead?" Chiyo smiled in that slightly off kilter way that Sakura had almost forgotten.

"I watched you die."

"Why did I die?"

"You gave your life force to save Gaara. To save me."

"Gaara I understand, but why would I give my life for you?"

"I don't know."

"Don't you? Wasn't it so that we could kill my grandson? It had to be done, and you were the only one there."

"Yes. That's it."

"If I didn't have to waste myself on you, would I have died for Gaara?"

Sakura closed her eyes. "I don't know."

"Eh heh heh..." Chiyo's wheezing laugh made something in Sakura's chest constrict painfully. "Was it worth it?"

"No. I think about you so much. I –"

"The life of an old woman isn't worth it to save you?"

"Why should you have to die to save me?"

"Why should I have to die to save Gaara?"

"You didn't have to. You chose to. He's the Kazekage and the people needed him. I'm just –"

"You're just what?"

"I'm replaceable. There are other medics."

"Other medics like you?"

"Better. There's Shizune, Oyone, and he may not think it, but Kumatori has had a leg up on me ever since Naruto came back. He –"

"So you're just a medic?"

"Most of the time."

"And if you died, someone could just step into your shoes, join your team, save Naruto?"

"Yes. Any of them, or most others of senior ranking."

"And it would be no different?"

"It would be different, but..."

"But what?"

"But no one's lives would really change that much. After they got used to it. And they would ... like we got used to Sai."

Sakura used to try and tell herself that she was the only person that could be there, but it wasn't true. Even Kakashi thought it was ridiculous.

"Would my life be different without you?"

"You're dead."

"Am I?"

Sakura looked closer at Chiyo and saw what she'd been missing: seam lines. Chiyo was a puppet.

"No," Sakura said, staggering. "Who reanimated you? We killed him, he's dead, he's –"

"Was I ever alive?"

Chiyo hopped off the log, advancing on Sakura.

"Yes," Sakura said, taking a nervous step backwards. "I knew you."

"Was I a puppet all along?"

"Not the part of you that mattered."

"Which part is that?"

"The you part."

Chiyo was almost to her now, so Sakura backed up further. Still, Chiyo did not relent, walking disjointedly right up to Sakura to put her hinges in Sakura's face.

"Was I a puppet all along?"

Chiyo's jaw clacked as she spoke.

"No, how could you be?"

"Were you?"

"What?"

"Are you a puppet?"

Chiyo inched closer and Sakura turned and fled, running and tripping through the forest until she ran smack into Naruto.

"Naruto," she said, gathering him into a hug, marveling at how much taller he'd gotten. "I haven't been this happy to see you since you came back from –"

Naruto pushed her away. "What are you doing?"

His voice was cold, his eyes like chips of ice. Sakura cowered from him, sensing the festering anger she usually associated with the Kyuubi.

"Naruto?"

"I said what are you doing?"

"I won't – I won't hug you anymore, if that's what you –"

"How could you turn your back on an opponent?"

"What?"

"How could you turn your back on an opponent like that?"

The whiskers on Naruto's cheeks were becoming more pronounced, his canines enlarging. Sakura took a step backwards.

"It's not – it's just Chiyo. You know Chiyo."

"That wasn't Chiyo. Why did you leave your back open?"

He spun her around and yanked a blade out of her back that she hadn't even realized was there. Only as he put the blade in her hands did the pain register.

"Look what you've done. How could you?"

"I didn't mean to – I was just scared –"

"Do you want to die?"

She dropped the blade in shock.

"Do you want to die, Sakura?"

Sakura scrambled backwards. "Naruto, how can you ask me that?"

"Do you believe in heaven and hell?"

"No, that's my father, not –"

"Do you believe death is peace?"

"Yes. That's the Will of Fire. Don't you –"

"Do you want peace?"

Sakura took another step backwards. "Who wouldn't want peace?"

"Everyone wants peace, when the time is right. You crave it. You crave it now, don't you?"

"Naruto, please, don't –"

"Why do you take so many risks?"

"Sometimes risks are worth it. I have to –"

"Do you want to die, Sakura?"

Sakura stepped backwards again. "No."

Sakura expected Naruto to move towards her, but he didn't. Even though neither of them were going anywhere, the distance between them stretched and he seemed farther and farther away. When he spoke, though, it was like he was right next to her.

"Do you want to die?"

"Yes!"

She turned and fled, unable to look at the disappointment she was sure would be on his face. She ran through the forest, the trees a blur, and the light began to fade, fade, fade, until darkness enveloped her –

Her next step met something other than solid ground and she pitched forward, splashing face first into something wet. The smell and coppery taste of it told her she was back in the sea of blood.

She tried to swim to the surface, but the faster she swam, the farther away she seemed to be. Her mother's bathrobe pulled against her efforts, dragging her down, so shed it, still reaching upwards.

Sakura's lungs began to burn and the familiar panic bloomed within her. She scrambled harder for the surface, but she felt nothing but the viscous heaviness of blood.

And then there were hands on her, pulling her out of the blood. She hacked and her savior smacked her on the back until she could breathe again, pulling her into his arms.

"Why did you do something so stupid?" Kakashi said, wiping the bloody strands of hair from her face. "You could have drowned."

She buried her head in his neck. "It was an accident."

"It wasn't an accident."

Sakura looked up to see that it wasn't Kakashi after all, but Hiro. She tried to get away from him, but his large, muscular arms held her down.

"You didn't end up in my bed on accident, little Sakura," Hiro said in Kakashi's voice, grinning, his mustache turning up at the corners. "You worked hard for my dick, didn't you?"

Beneath her, she became aware of a hardness pressing into her bare bottom. She squirmed to try and get away, tried to summon chakra to break his hold, but none came.

"Do that some more," Hiro said. "I like it."

"I don't! I don't like it."

"Don't lie. I know you do."

Hiro shoved his hand between her legs and spread around a wetness that was more than drying blood.

"You're so horny, aren't you, Sakura?"

"Stop," she said, trying to push his hand away.

He pushed an index finger inside her, rubbing his thumb higher.

"Stop what?" Hiro whispered into her ear, but it sounded so like Kakashi that her stomach turned.

"St-stop using his voice," she said, biting her lip.

"Admit that you like it."

"N-no. I don't want this, stop, stop –"

He withdrew his finger and forced it into her mouth.

"Taste how much you love it, Sakura."

Sakura knew the taste of her own arousal, having tasted it on Kakashi's lips before.

"What does it mean?"

"Nothing," she said, spitting Hiro's finger out. "I hate you."

Sakura barely had time to wonder where Hiro's clothes had gone before he shoved his penis into her. Tears stung the corners of her eyes as she squeezed them shut – not because it hurt, but because it didn't.

"But you love my cock, don't you?"

She forced her eyes open, made herself look at the light reflecting off of Hiro's bald head. No matter what he sounded like, this man wasn't Kakashi. She began to pummel him with her fists, ineffectual though they were without chakra. The cuts on her palms hurt more with each strike, but she didn't care.

"But I – hate – you!"

"Do you really hate me?"

She was going to say yes, but Sakura realized that it was now Kakashi on top of her, moving just the way she liked, his hips grinding over hers as he rocked into her.

"N-no," she said, unable to keep the hitch out of her breath. "Not you."

Kakashi was looking down at her, smiling softly, one eye closed and the other filled with the nameless emotion that sometimes took him during sex. No one else could ever duplicate that look, no one. It was him.

Maybe it had been him all along and her mind was playing tricks on her. Maybe she had been half asleep, dreaming of Hiro again.

Kakashi lifted her back for a better angle and she stopped struggling, completely forgetting everything else when he shifted forward to hit her just right, exactly right, perfect –

"But I hate you, Sakura."

Her eyes flew open. It was still Kakashi looking down at her, but his face was different now, his mouth a hard slash and his eyes burning with a different kind of intensity.

"Kakashi?" She reached up to touch his face.

He grabbed her arm and twisted it behind her back, making the wound between her shoulder blades scream in pain. His hips never stopped moving, his movements now jerky and inconsistent.

"You're a disgusting slut."

"I – what?"

She stared up at him, searching for signs of the man she knew. His Sharingan was whirling, his mouth clenched, jaw taut. The small scar just below his collarbone was the exact misshapen semi-circle she remembered. Everything was right. This was Kakashi.

"You heard me."

"You're hurting me," she whispered, trying to wrest her arm from his grip.

"You think this is pain?"

He slapped her in the face with his other hand, so hard her jaw went numb. She kicked out with her legs, trying to push him with her feet, and finally forced him to cease his tireless thrusting.

"Don't touch me!"

He gripped her sore jaw, forcing her to look him in the eyes. "Why, Sakura? Isn't this what you wanted? Practice getting fucked by men like me?"

"No!" She thrashed, but he would not let her up.

"It wasn't an accident you ended up in my bed, was it?"

He was poised at her entrance, ready to shove inside once more.

"No," she said, trying to use her feet again, but he was ready for it this time.

"Did I want you there?"

"You agreed –"

He slammed his cock into her, and this time it was too rough, all of her wetness long gone. She cried out, but it only made him smile.

"Did I want you there?"

"No!"

"Then why did you make me do it?"

"I didn't make you, I didn't –"

"Liar."

He began to pound into her at an unforgiving pace, taking her breath away with pain.

"Kakashi, stop! You're –"

"Am I hurting you or are you hurting me?"

He pinched her nipple so hard that tears jumped to her eyes, but she blinked them away, refusing to let him see her cry.

"Am I hurting you or are you hurting me? Who hurts more, Sakura?"

"You!" she screamed, the force of the word as it left her body tearing a sob from her. "I'm hurting you."

"Why did you lie to me?"

"I knew you'd protect me. Not Ino, just me. You were the only one who would do it on my terms."

"You knew I didn't want to."

"Yes," she said, still fighting the tears that were steadily tracking down her face. "I did it anyway."

"Do you think I don't have feelings?"

"Of course not. I –"

His movements increased in pitch.

"Do you think I don't have feelings?"

"Sometimes," she gasped, biting her lip to stop from whimpering.

"Is that why it was okay to steal them from me?"

"I never meant –"

"Is that why?"

"It's not okay! I'm sorry! Kakashi, I'm so sorry, I –"

Out of nowhere, Yamato kicked Kakashi off of her, sending him flying. In perfect tandem, Genma punched Kakashi in the face, slamming him into the floor. Upon hitting the ground, Kakashi began melting until he was nothing more than a puddle of flesh.

Yamato and Genma high fived, then put their hands in each other's back pockets, touching foreheads.

Sakura stared at the puddle in horror. "What did you do?"

Genma scoffed. "Come on, you didn't think that was the real Kakashi, did you?"

"It seemed like it."

"Would Kakashi do something like that?" Yamato said.

"No, but –"

Yamato broke free of Genma and turned to her, scowling.

"But what? He wouldn't."

Genma grabbed Yamato's arm. "Don't get worked up. She already knows he wouldn't."

Yamato allowed Genma to pull him into a deep kiss, relaxing into him.

"You're together now?"

Genma broke the kiss to look at her. "You already knew that, too, or we wouldn't be here."

With a start, Sakura realized that Genma was right. She did already know. There were certain looks, certain not-so-casual touches, certain too casual touches... Yamato took Genma to their team training, when everyone knew that was only for family, their family. Naruto didn't even bring Hinata.

No one thing told her that Yamato and Genma were in love, not even when Yamato had looked so sad while Genma was missing. She had never put it all together, until now. Now that she thought about it, it was obvious. She had always scored high on interpersonal interaction in interrogation training, one of the crueler ironies of her life.

"Did anyone think that about me and Kakashi, before it came out?"

Yamato looked at her steadily, but didn't answer. "Do you want what we have?"

A lump formed in her throat. "It's not ... it's not for me."

"Do you want what we have?" Genma said.

"Yes. Always. But it's not meant for me."

"Why not?" Yamato said.

"I could have had it already – with Naruto, Lee, maybe Kumatori. Who knows who else? I don't know how to love anyone."

"But you do love," Yamato said. "I knew that about you from the first day I met you."

"Why can't I seem to do it, then?"

"You and I are a lot alike, Sakura," Genma said. "We always choose the wrong people to love. The wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong loyalty, the wrong side of ourselves, the wrong gender. Why do we do that to ourselves, to everyone around us?"

"I don't know," Sakura whispered, "but I can't stop."

"I stopped."

"How?"

"I stopped being so afraid to love the wrong person. I stopped being so cowardly. Can you do that?"

"I don't know."

"You did well, in here," Yamato said. "You fought. That's all there is to it. Just do that."

"How?"

"You already know how."

Sakura closed her eyes.

I don't want to die.

---

Author's Note: You will have questions. That's understood. Forgive me if I am very vague in answering them. :) Ta.