For added effect, I suggest listening to Yiruma – A River Flows In You (60 Minutes Version). This chapter is a lot longer than I usually write because we had recently reached over 400 reviews! Thank you all! Also, early update because I don't know when I'll have internet again.

Legend:

"Normal talk"

Dream

Chapter 35: Without A Sun

Two joors later…

It's been two joors.

Two joors.

And not word one from Sunstreaker.

It's raining outside. I can hear the tapping of the acid rain on the window glass. We're all ordered to stay inside, but I wouldn't go out either way. Why should I?

I walked towards the window, staring out through it. Everybody is inside, doing what they usually do; train, refuel, recharge, talk… I don't remember I did any of those things willfully ever since he left.

And tired. So very tired. That's how I felt. So many thoughts on my mind, but none that were positive. A lot of bad things could happen. Maybe he offlined and nobody told us?

No, Sideswipe would have been acting differently if that happened. He would be like me, all solemn and somber, because of the loss of a brother, a deep bond. But he didn't act differently, he was the same happy-go-lucky, random Siders that managed to make me smile every once in a while.

At least I knew Sunstreaker was alive. Maybe in pieces, maybe limbless, maybe just even barely holding on, but he was alive. Or perhaps he was doing just fine, the mission going according to plan. But I didn't know what the plan was, I only knew what Sunny told me two joors ago, the last time I heard a word from him.

I didn't know when he would return. It was killing me inside and eating me alive, I didn't even know if he would return. He said he would, he promised he would. He never breaks a promise.

"You okay, Goldstreak?" Sideswipe inquired, appearing by my side and putting a friendly hand on my shoulder. "You've been staring through that window for cycles now."

"Just waiting for the storm to pass." I said as a thunder suddenly evoked, the rain falling down harder. I didn't even flinch. But I wasn't waiting for the storm or the rain to pass. That was a lie. I wished to see Sunstreaker coming, to see he was alive, to see him return. To watch it all from the window glass. But I feigned it.

"I was gonna go grab a cube, Red Alert said we might have a minor power shortage because of the acid rain. Wanna go with me?"

"No thanks." I shook my head. "I have two cubes here."

"Alright." His hand fell from my shoulder as I heard the sound of pedes walking on the ground getting further away. Just when he had reached the door, I watched him in the reflection of the clean glass window. "You know what I say, Gold?" He said, just before he went out.

"What, Sides?" I inquired, turning to face him.

"We're all in the same game, just different levels and we're all in the same pit, just different devils."

"When have you ever said that?" I chuckled. He shrugged.

"Beats me. I'll leave the door unlocked, that okay with you?"

"Sure." I nodded as he closed the door behind him, but left it unlocked. I turned back to face the window as I gave a sigh of warm air on the cold window, creating a cloud of fog that stayed on the glass. It must have been very cold outside. It definitely was.

I looked up, trying to find the moons and the stars. Maybe Sunstreaker was looking at the moon as well? Nah, he wouldn't do that. Did the Nemesis even have windows?

I shook my head, lowering it. Primus, please let him survive. I don't do well when he's gone. I miss him dearly.

It's not easy. It rarely ever will be. I can take on a lot of things, like this acid rain, the horrible mission, missing bots, starvation… a lot of things. I can even take on a few tears every now and then and just let them out, but even that rarely happens. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while, even though going on with him gone deeply upsets me. I want him to be here and not there. But there doesn't know how lucky it is to have him. I would give my right arm and left leg just to see him.

I don't want anyone to see just how deeply it all affects me and just how sad I am because of it, so I pretend. Most of the time, I feign what I'm really feeling. I mask it all. Slowly, I want to close myself off from feeling. Nobody has to know my pain, my sorrow, even though bottling it in didn't work out the first time, I seriously doubt it will work now. But as long as it's somewhat working, I'll keep it all inside. I'll pretend that I'm alright, even though that's not the case at all.

There are a lot of things that hurt me, right now. The fact that I can't go out for a stroll or for a quaint drive. The fact that he's gone, and the one thing that pierces through my spark every time I think of him, it was being so close and having so much to say to him, so much that he deserved to be told. But no, I let him walk away.

Now I'll never know what could have been. I'll keep asking myself those infamous 'what if' questions until he returns. I know it. I know I feel something very deep for him. I don't know if it could be called love, but it's more than just a crush. And the fact that he reciprocated the kind and gentle gestures only confirmed it. He felt something too.

It's hard to deal with the pain of him gone and the feeling of not knowing when he's going to come back. I couldn't ask anybody if they knew about the mission. Sunstreaker told me he didn't know if he should have even told me. Therefore, I couldn't go to Prime or Prowl and ask them how far Sunstreaker's mission had progressed. But still, it was better to tell me than to just magically disappear in the middle of the night for joors.

But then why the frag didn't I pull a move? Why didn't I kiss him? Why was I now staring in front of a window, asking myself these stupid, unnecessary questions that only made me angry with myself?

I know why. I know exactly why.

I couldn't kiss him. The mission. It was standing in the way, he told me so. He couldn't have any distractions on the missions and he was right. He had to have a clear mind, otherwise he could mess up badly.

Or maybe he had used it as a sole excuse not to kiss with me? What if he really hadn't felt anything and was just using me? No, he was my best friend, I knew him, he knew me. He wasn't like that. I'm such a two bit.

I shook my head, moving away from the window. I picked up a cube from the table and opened the lid, starting to drink it.

As long as I didn't lose Sunstreaker, things would be alright. But then again, I wouldn't be the only one who was going to lose. Everybody would lose. The cause would lose their best frontliner, I would lose a best friend, Sideswipe would lose a brother, the rest would lose a comrade, a soldier, a friend. His life was precious. And if it was gone, it would stir up a commotion. No, he needed to live. He had to live. And he would, he wouldn't let himself fail. I knew that much.

And that's exactly why he had accepted the mission. He knew he wouldn't fail. I knew Sunstreaker, he was just like me. He wouldn't play a game unless he was certain he would win, that's just the way our minds worked. Neither one of us were losers or failures. And that was a virtue we shared.

I sighed.

What I wouldn't do to have him here. To relive the good memories we had in his quarters. But it was so weird and so sudden, his whole demeanor and attitude changing instantly and suddenly, he was this cuddly and prudent mech. But he was the kind of mech I had been dreaming about my whole life. I had standards and he lived up well and beyond them. He was special to me, not just because we saved each other's lives so many times, but because of his merits. He could be a true leader, had there not been me rivaling for leadership. But then again, Sunstreaker was good with being back, for his place as a frontliner would always be secure and nobody could ever take that away from him.

We could have been so perfect together, I knew it. I mean, he said it himself, I was just like him. He felt as if he had known me for forever. And forever is a very long time. Then again, I felt the same. It's like I've known him since I've known for myself. We were so very similar.

But who knows, maybe in another life I'd be his femme. We'd keep all of our promises; us against the world. We didn't need anyone else, as long as we had each other's backs. Perhaps in that other life, I could have made him stay, because I think that Sunstreaker could be the one. But right now, he's just the one that got away.

I looked back through the window, looking at the dark sky that occasionally brightened with the flash of a lightning bolt that ripped through the black clouds. Primus Sunny, why did you have to go and make things so complicated? I wish I knew what you were thinking of now… if you miss me as much as I miss you. Or if you miss me at all.

I could really use a wish come true right now. Something to give me hope in this pithole.

With my last thoughts of him, I exited his quarters, closing the door on the way out as I made my way towards the rec room, eager for some socializing. Thunder echoed behind me, the storm getting worse.

XxXxXxXxX

"Scream already!" Starscream jabbed an electrified staff into Sunstreaker's open wound on his chest. The pain seared through his systems, sending jolts and spasms through his mangled frame, as his HUD screamed leviathan amounts of warnings, his vision going red with pain. But he had to endure this, as much as he wanted to scream out and make him stop. He had a mission to fulfill. A malicious expression met Starscream's face. "Ah, I see. Well, you've passed the endurance test I've been putting you through these last few joors. Just one more thing before you can wear our insignia proudly on your chest…" Starscream started, turning around to take something from a cabinet in the torture chamber.

Sunstreaker was strapped to a wall, hanging from it with shackles connecting his wrists to the wall. He swayed from side to side lightly, trying to stay sane and alive. He brought his head up, secretly glaring at Starscream's back in the poorly lit room. The Second In Command turned around, carrying a transparent cube filled with green energon.

For the first time in a long time, Sunstreaker felt his spark drop to his tanks. This wasn't good. This was bad. Worse than bad, this was horrible.

It was self termination.

But it wasn't instant self termination. This would be eating you from the inside, you'd become an addict. Everybody knew this. It was pure deterioration.

"As the final part of your test to becoming a loyal Decepticon, you must consume this whole cube of synergetic energon." Starscream malevolently grinned.

"That's self termination." Sunstreaker told him in his deep voice, trying to hide his immense pain and exhaustion.

"Would you rather I terminate you now?" Starscream's words dripped in venom, just like the cube that was present before him. In one swell move, Starscream raised his null ray and shot one of the shackles that held Sunstreaker's wrist pinned to the wall. "You either drink this or you die."

"I'll die either way." Sunstreaker said, sticking to his role, as he took the cube into his now freed hand. This was bad, he wanted to abort this mission so bad, but he can't. The fate of the race of Cybertron was on his shoulders. His needs no longer mattered, as Goldstreak would have put it.

Goldstreak.

Something in his mind snapped as he stared at the green filled cube in his hand for a long moment. "Well?" Starscream impatiently said and it broke Sunstreaker's gaze. "What are you waiting for? Or are you thinking of turning Autobot again?"

"No. They left me." He lied as he placed the cube near his lips.

"You must drink all of it. Surely, being a Decepticon means that much to you?" Starscream added.

"All hail Megatron." Sunstreaker raised his cube up and drank all of the contents. Soon, he finished and gave the cube back to Starscream, who disposed of it as he turned around, taking a metal staff from a compartment in the wall. On the end of the staff was a heated metal Decepticon insignia, one that would be burned into his armor forever.

Fake it 'till you make it, as his brother would put it.

The synergetic energon in his systems gave him added strength and confidence and as Starscream turned around once more, he placed the hot, metal insignia on the end of the metal staff onto his chest, right in the center of it, where his Autobot insignia used to stand, to be proudly worn for vorns and orns to come.

Sunstreaker had to repress a hiss as Starscream pulled the staff away, leaving an embossed, purple Decepticon insignia on his chest. He couldn't help but notice how wrong it felt to have that insignia on his chest. Starscream grinned malevolently. "Welcome to the Decepticons, Sunstreaker." He then shot the rest of the shackles that kept him in place. Sunstreaker fell to the floor, but landed on his feet skillfully, despite the horrendous tortures that weakened him greatly for the past two joors. With the synergetic energon giving him strength, he didn't fall flat on his face or his knees. "Your duties will be handed to you tomorrow. And if you so much as try to play us… well, I'll tell you one thing. Megatron hates traitors and deals with them rather… personally." He intimidated, or at least, attempted.

"I see." Sunstreaker gave a simple nod, trying not to look at the disgusting insignia adorning his chest. "I'll be ready to fulfill my duty tomorrow, sir." How he hated himself for saying those words. Being a subordinate to Starscream. He even added a military salute so that the SIC would buy the act.

"There's a good Decepticon. Well then Sunstreaker, I'll leave you to make some… er, friends." He grinned evilly at the word, leaving the torture chamber and the door to it open. How he wanted to pounce at the Decepticon's back and dismantle and destroy him.

But that wasn't the beginning of Sunstreaker's problems. He had to live with Cons, live in a lie, find the AllSpark, send the AllSpark into space, keep his true intentions a secret, and the biggest problem he had to deal with was the synergetic energon in his systems now. He couldn't purge it out, it was already merged with the normal energon in his system. This was bad. Oh, bad didn't even cover what this was.

XxXxXxXxX

"So… what now?"

"Beats me, Raj." I sighed and shrugged my shoulders, staring at the TV in the rec room from my relaxed position on the couch. "There isn't even a movie on."

"Yeah, but there's movie night later tonight." He said, casually swinging his arm around my shoulders. I sighed. I wished he had been Sunstreaker now. I would have loved that.

"I'll pass." I said.

"Nah, come on. It'll be fun. You need fun."

"Maybe sometime later, Mirage. I'm kinda not in the mood."

"Ah…" He said, his royal accent reverberating through his chest. "Whatever you say, spark."

"You're a flirt, you know that?" I said, turning my head to look at him.

"It works, doesn't it?" He grinned. I rolled my optics, but smiled.

"I have to go now. See you soon?" I stood up and he followed suit. I inclined my head with the question.

"Whenever you want." He smirked and kissed me on the cheek, before walking away. He was certainly a flirt.

Socializing wasn't that bad, honestly. I missed it.

And I missed Sunstreaker. I just hope he's alright, but I have no way of knowing that. I tried asking Sideswipe, but he knew as much as I did, which was unfortunately zilch.

It had been a very long mega-cycle. I was with the team for a couple of cycles before we had all disbanded, each of us going to their own quarters to recharge.

Except I recharged in the twins' quarters, because Sides had a promise to keep, one that he vowed to successfully do. And since my quarters didn't have two berths, I was sleeping in their quarters, on Sunny's berth. His berth had been warm, soft and inviting. It smelled of him and I loved that scent. Exquisite wax and finish scents combined made his scent magnificent and memorable. It was odd how it still stayed on the berth, knowing he had been gone for two joors. I also wondered how it didn't embrace my scent, but I didn't honestly care that much.

As I fell onto the berth and started to fall asleep, I sent Primus a prayer to keep our team safe, to keep us all away from impending evil and doom and that we would all survive. Hopefully, some of that prayer would be heard. Alas, I fell into recharge.

Darkness. Darkness everywhere. I was shrouded in it, I couldn't see slag in front of me. I was standing on a flat surface, the cold metal making a clinking sound against my pedes as I walked. The more I walked, the more I became aware of what was going on around me. Surely, there would be an explanation for all of this?

As I continued to walk on, I realized that I was in a clearing. Nobody in front of me, nobody behind me or beside me.

But something felt very, very wrong.

As I breathed, I couldn't help but notice a strong smell. Something coppery, along with the smell of molten and burnt metal, but the copper smell surpassed them all. I realized that I had been holding my swords out. Energon smelled exactly like copper, for it was the life blood of our race. After all, having my swords out and energon smelling like it is, must have meant that I had been in a fight.

Looking down at my swords, I gasped. My swords and my hands were dripping with someone else's energon, the drops falling into a pool of energon beneath me. The stench became overwhelming as I realized that I was covered in it up to my forearms. The blue of the energon was so deeply contrasting with my golden paint scheme and I felt sick.

"…Why did you do it?"

My head shot up. I thought I was alone. Suddenly, my swords were gone as a figure in front of me, mangled and limbless, floated. It was downright ridiculous, but was so frightening. I knew who this was. But at the same time, I didn't.

This was my first kill. I remembered it so clearly.

"How could you?" The voice, although sounding innocent, came from the Decepticon. It was a childish voice. It had been a child, perhaps a few stellar cycles younger than me, but a child no less. The image was so gruesome and disgusting, but I couldn't pry my optics off of it, or the wound in the center of his chest, where I had shoved my sword in so many joors ago. I remembered it clearly. I couldn't erase it from my processor no matter how hard I tried or what I did.

The wound dripped with energon uncontrollably, flowing freely out of his frame and onto the ground like a horrible waterfall. The overwhelming stench made my tanks churn in disgust.

But then the Decepticon child started to cry, floating towards me, his optics dead. Chills ran down my spine from the sheer view. "I didn't do anything to you… I just served my cause… Why did you do this to me? I had just as much a right to live as you do!"

"I…" I found myself retorting, fear spreading through my energon lines. "I… I didn't mean…"

"I had a family!"

"It was an… I didn't… you attacked me, it was an accident…" I found myself muttering, putting my hands in front of me in defense. My claws weren't there when I bid them to come out. The floating dead Cybertronian came closer to me, rage filling his body as he became a sort of a horror figure that kept coming closer to me, ought to get me. "N-No! Stay back!"

"Why did you do this to me? Do you know who I am?!" The figure slowly started to transfigure, appearing to be somebody else, as its voice started to grow demonically deeper. What the…?

"It was an accident, I didn't mean-"

"You are a murderer! A murderer!" The child-turned-adult now shouted at me, its voice growing deeper.

"N-no… It was an accident, I swear, I did it out… of…" I gaped at the figure in front of me as immediate fear spread through my veins, paralyzing me as darkness slowly started to return, eating the corners of my vision. "Railgun?" A mere whisper came out of my mouth, my face frightened as I was scared to my core, my mouth hanging open.

"Why, my daughter…?" He somehow had limbs now, as he walked over to me. And then he slapped me hard, right across the face, turning my head to the side. My sparkbeat increased in fear. I couldn't move a muscle if I wanted to. The his hand shot up to my throat, suffocating me as he turned my head to face him.

"No… no, Railgun, don't…" I tried, but I couldn't move, and I was having trouble breathing. Someone help me.

"You did this." He suddenly threw me to the ground and jumped me, straddling my hips as the fear rose from my tanks and suffocated me, blocking my air supply, tightening my throat. Somebody get me out of this nightmare! I don't want to be raped! Not again!

I tried to get him off of me, but no use. "I'm sorry! It was an accident! Railgun please, let me go!" I cried out in fear, at the top of my voice. I could feel my vocal strings straining with the yelling and my optics blurring with tears of desperation.

"You'll pay for doing this." His optics turned red as his face transformed into that of Fireblaster. No... Primus no!

"Get off me!" I cried out.

"Goldstreak." The voice maliciously grinned and slowly slurred, spreading my legs painfully.

"I'll kill you!" I growled as I could feel my swords sliding out again, the action suddenly becoming so much more real.

"Goldstreak, wake up!"

XxXxXxXxX

My optics shot open, sensors sharp, proximity sensors blaring. I pushed the figure that had been leaning over me as my battle mask slid on and I jumped down from the berth, my swords already out. I don't remember bidding them to slide on. Without even seeing who the figure was, I jumped on them, pinning them to the ground.

"Hold on, hold on! It's just me. It's Sideswipe, okay?" Sideswipe took my hands into his, my swords sliding back into their hold in recognition of his voice. They must have gone out on their own while I was dreaming. He put my hands on his broad, perfectly carved chest. "Relax, it's just me, you're safe."

I stared through him as we got off the ground and stood up. He pulled me into a hug. I mumbled into his chest, distraught. "Sides… I saw him. I saw him, I swear… I'm a… a…"

"It's okay Gold, nobody's hunting you." I hugged him back, begging my optics to not overflow. "What was that about? I mean, you gotta be pretty loud to wake me from my recharge." He said, his arms locking behind my back, pressing me to him.

"I don't know… I was… and I'm a…" I looked at him in the optics, his very confused, beautiful blue optics that he and his brother shared. I felt my optics lightly fill with energon tears as I stared wide eyed at him. "I'm a murderer."

"No, you're not." He brought his digit up to my temple, gently gliding it down to my chin. "Who the frag gave you that idea?" Sideswipe said with a frown, setting me on his berth to sit down. "Wait here, I'll get you some warm energon." He stood up and walked to the door.

The last thing I wanted right now was to be left alone. I tentatively called his name. "…Sides?"

"Yeah, spark?"

"Stay. Please."

"Of course." He said, sitting back down on the berth. "I'll have someone else deliver the energon."

I checked my internal chronometer, shaking from the fear, quite literally. It was four in the morning. "You… you don't have to do that." I took in deep breaths. "I'll be fine."

"What I heard back there wasn't fine." He took my hands into his. "You told me you were a murderer? Where did that come from?"

"It was…" The face adorned with energon and dead optics screamed in my mind, a horrific image appearing in my face. I cringed. "My first kill."

"Oh…" He said in understanding, nodding once. "Go on."

"I didn't even know his designation… But he was so young, Sides. A youngling. Maybe a couple of stellar cycles younger than me."

"War doesn't choose age, Gold." Sides sighed. "Trust me, I would know."

"How?" I asked.

"It doesn't matter." He waved a hand in front of him. "What happened in the dream?"

"It was a nightmare, it wasn't a dream." I shook my head. "I was… I don't know where I was. I just know I was covered in… in energon. My first kill's energon. And then he transfigured and… And it was horrible." I shuddered visibly.

"It's okay, you don't have to go on. " Sides said, embracing me in a hug. I desperately needed one.

"He was so scared, Sides. I took away a child's life. I'm a monster." I said with wide eyes, my frame freezing. "I'm no better than a Decepticon."

"Hey now, that's not what happened." Sides tilted my chin gently as I refused to meet his optics. My forehead fell on his chest, perfectly content with staying there. "If you hadn't defended yourself, you would have been taken from me and Sunny and our whole team." His arms wrapped around my back, as if protecting me.

"I was just… it was out of instinct, Sides, I… I didn't even think, it just happened."

He cycled air through his systems before speaking up again. "Sunny used to tell me that instincts are what help us survive." He ran gentle circles into my back, soothing me. "And Gold, don't think for a moment that what you did was wrong. He's the enemy, he's the one that attacked you. You defended yourself, and that's all there is to it. Don't grieve, you didn't even know the cretin."

"But Sides, I killed him. I am a murderer."

"No, you just have that thought stuck in your helm because of the nightmare. You didn't do anything wrong, not a thing. What happened that night was not your fault. You did what you had to do, to save your own life, even if it meant taking another. And that's okay." He softly said, tilting my head up with his finger, which he placed under my chin. He was so gentle, just like his brother. "It's okay." He caressed my cheek with his thumb.

"Thanks, Sides. It really means a lot to me." I honestly felt like a huge burden on my spark had been taken off, relief spreading through my whole frame. It was peculiar how a couple of words could change things. It would get easier. With time.

I gave him a long hug. Sideswipe was the closest person I had to Sunstreaker, and he was such a great friend. He always helped me in the time of great need as the tapping of the rain on the windows continued.

I used some reference from these songs, you may have recognized them, you may have not, but still, I credit those authors:

Rascal Flatts – What Hurts The Most

Katy Perry – The One That Got Away

Sides is getting a little cozy with Gold... Wonder how that will play out. :)

Written:

18.06.2014.