January 7th, 1978

Today is January 7th, two days before my 18th birthday. Lucius is hosting a birthday party for me. We invited Evan, Regulus, Clarence, John, Thorfinn, Rodolphus, and Bellatrix, and Narcissa. Lucius wanted to invite some of his friends, but I told him I only wanted people I knew well to be there. For once, he listened to me. However, he did say that if we were going to invite Narcissa, to whom I have grown very close, and to whom Lucius is planning to propose at the party, then we had to also invite her sister, Bellatrix, as well as Bellatrix's husband Rodolphus. I thought that was fair. Lucius gave me an ultimatum before we sent out the invitations.

"Before this can happen, I need to know that you are with me"

"Of course I am! You think I'd just stop being friends with you out of nowhere?"

"No matter what I do, no matter what happens"

"What are you talking about?" my heart starts beating a little faster, and I am starting to get nervous.

"First of all, I am going to propose to Narcissa at this party"

"I know, you've already told me! I think it's a great idea!"

"Let me finish. When the party is over, I am going to tell you something very secret, and very important. I am going to extend an invitation to a society that I am going to tell you about later tonight. I am part of it, as well as all of the people I have introduced you to this last year that I have held guardianship over you. I think that you would do well to accept my invitation. I have been grooming you for a long time to be great. It would be a shame if you made the wrong decision," a shiver goes down my spine.

"I understand"

"You've severed your ties with that mudblood girl?"

"Yes, after O.W.L's" my heart jolts as I speak, but my face remains calm.

"Good. I have stayed in contact about you with Slughorn"

"So you've been spying on me. You know, that's kind of rude"

"You'll thank me for it once I tell you what he's been saying about you. After some… prying, he reluctantly told me that you are top of the school at potions. He said your potions rival his own, and some might even be better. You are president of potions club, you tutor younger students, and you spend your extra time prepping and creating new and improved potions. When you take your N.E.W.T's , I want you to take the extra potions test for mastery. This would be a huge step for you, and it would boost your already impressive resume. Where you're going, this will be important for you"

"So you already have my life planned out for me? I have no say in what I do after school at all?"

"That is correct. You have some sort of problem with this arrangement?"

"I just- no. I don't. I guess I'm just used to not having anybody ever look out for my future. Thank you for everything you've done for me, Lucius. I don't know how I'll ever be able to repay you" I will not get mad I will not get mad.

"Oh, you repay me just by succeeding everyday. When I took you under my wing as a 5th year, I never thought I would be able to do so much with you. You've been so pliable, so obedient, so, oh, what's the word- eager to please. You know, some people are born to hold the strings, and some are born to be connected to them, Severus. I know that you will make the right choice tonight when I offer you membership to this society"

"Yes, of course" I will not hit him I will not hit him I have to keep it together I will not get mad

"And it goes without saying that you will take the exam for potions mastery when you take your N.E.W.T's "

I take a deep, steadying breath,"Yes"

"Good boy," he purrs, stroking my hair back from my face. Pushing my anger down, I clear my thoughts and smile up at him, "Now, we really must do something about your hair. I think it's been far too long for too many years"

"Yours is long! Why can't mine be long, too?"

"I appreciate your admiration, but I think it's time for a change"

While the house elf cooks, I set the table. I am so nervous for the party to start, I have to organize something! Lucius keeps telling me to calm down and play some cards with him, but I just can't sit still. After about an hour of watching me mess around with furniture, Lucius grabs me and pushes me down on the couch with him. Finally having a nice haircut feels strange. My hair is now shoulder length again, but rather than it being cut hastily by my mum before my father got home after work in a bad temper, it was cut by the barber who cuts Lucius' hair. The perfectly unstyled look took a ridiculously long time to create- time I could have put to use in other, more important ways. But Lucius is happy, and that seems to be all that matters.

After finally having a growth spurt last semester, I am now 5 foot 7 and a half and weigh 120 pounds. In my hand-me-down dress robes, I look like a corn stalk. My torso has stayed too short for my body, and my legs have stayed too long. This morning, when Lucius was giving me hand-me-downs to try on, he said that I looked like an bean on toothpicks. I laughed with him, but inside I felt terrible. Sometimes I feel as if he says stuff like that just to make me feel bad, but then he's always there to make me feel better. Sometimes he reminds me of my father, the way that he would be horrible, but then when he would be sober, he would lead me on and make me think that he had changed. Of course, nothing ever changes.

The party is fun. It is nice to be able to celebrate with all of my friends. Regulus gives me his old Quidditch jumper from last year- he's getting a new one, and this one fits me fine. Narcissa gives me a new set of knives for potions, Evan gives me a new book about ancient runes, and Thorfinn gives me a book about hexes and curses. He wrote a note to me in the front of the book about the first time we met, and how the first curse in the book is petrificus totalis, and how he can't imagine his life without being friends with me now. I make a mental note to make him something extra special for his birthday in a few weeks. Clarence gives me a new notebook, and John gets me a new quill. Lucius gives me a bunch of hand-me-downs that look almost new. Bellatrix and Rodolphus give me a card congratulating me on my impressive school resume and where I will be going in life when I graduate. There is lots of good food to eat; however, I find it difficult to eat much- I feel as if all of their eyes are glued to me, judging me for what and how much I eat. At one point, Lucius, who is sitting next to me, leans over and whispers, "You really ought to eat more, Severus. You need to keep eating so you can keep growing and be strong"

"I'm not weak" I snap back quietly.

"Eat. Enjoy the food" he says, ladling more food onto my plate. I take a few more bites, the food is amazing, but I feel as if everybody is looking at me thinking about how they will not like me anymore if I gain weight. I feel like Lucius is trying to trick me into gaining weight so that he doesn't have to pay attention to me anymore. Then, Regulus leans over to me.

"You know, I bet you could save some food for later, then you would be able to eat it without feeling pressured" I flash him a small smile and turn to Lucius.

"Would I be able to finish later? I'm a little full right now"

"Come on, Severus, we do this every night. There's no way you're full. You barely took three bites of your chicken. I'm not going to have this argument with you tonight, Severus. Eat your food and stop being neurotic" I push the anger threatening to explode down, and try to clear my mind. I turn back to Regulus. He whispers, "Nice try".

When all my friends have gone home, Lucius sits down with me on the couch in front of the fire. As I listen, he weaves glorious tales about the new world that will be when the Dark Lord reigns supreme, about how muggles won't be able to hurt us anymore, about how idiots like Potter will learn their place, and how everybody involved will benefit greatly. He tells me who I could become as a Death Eater. He tells me how powerful and respected I would be. People would learn to fear me for what I can do. The Dark Lord could most certainly use my skills to better his campaign. He tells me how much more respect he has gotten, if that's even possible, as a Death Eater. He has more valuable contacts- people in the ministry who are on his side, people who run shops in Knockturn Alley who are willing to work with him. He tells me that I could go far if I join him.

He asks me if I am ready for everything I've ever wished for to come true. For a second, I think of Lily. Then I think of how she never loved me, and how she hated everything I ever stood for. Enraged, I think of my filthy muggle father, how he beat my mother and me for having magic. I think of how I want to get back at Potter and Black for tormenting me for being different. I think of how powerful and important Lucius is, and how I have always aspired to be like him.

"Yes," I say, "I am"