What is Love without Lust?

~Part 2~

Kakashi blinked, completely perplexed as he stared down at the half-empty basket of groceries in his grip. One minute he was talking to Sakura, and then the next she was gone like the wind.

With a deep hum, he stepped into the street while scanning the crowd around him. After a minute of not finding any sign of pink hair, he sighed in defeat and leisurely made his way towards the only place he figured she would be. As he walked, he mulled over their conversation in the back of his mind.

Obviously asking for dating advice was a mistake, but he had no idea why she would act so strange about it. He thought what he asked was a pretty general question, wasn't it? Not really embarrassing for anyone else but himself. Of course looking back on it now, she did appear uncomfortable the entire time they talked, although at the time he thought it was because he had scared her from before at the melon stand.

Was the question too personal to ask? Maybe as a former student she didn't want to think about his love life, much like a child wouldn't want to think about their parent's behind closed doors. There weren't many women in his life to ask such questions like dating. Between missions and training, he really didn't socialize very much in actually getting to know people beyond just an acquaintance. He wasn't close enough to any other women besides Sakura, and that was a stretch enough as it is since their relationship was built between years of training and missions together.

It wasn't that he couldn't approach women. He was no stranger to meaningless short term "relationships" in the past, but it was all based on something completely physical. Beyond that, there wasn't any deeper connection. At the time, it was gratifying enough, but now…

At this point of his life, he realized how much he longed to be in a long-term relationship. Not only to just experience what it was like, but the idea of settling down with someone and start a family was finally something he wanted. What people would call love was just a fairytale to him, a story that graced the pages of Icha Icha with throes of passion, but never in reality, at least not in his. It was the one thing in his life that left a gaping hole in heart, never filled before by anyone.

Sometimes he didn't think such a thing could exist, but there were signs all around him that it did. There were plenty of happy couples and married families in Konoha. It was just something he had never personally experienced in the entire thirty five years of his life. He knew he only had himself to blame.

Growing up, death after death of the people he cared for slowly numbed his desire to ever want to grow attached to someone ever again. Whatever form of love he had was replaced with regret. There were many friends and comrades he cared for in his life now, but never on the level intimacy that he hoped for, a true love.

It took a long time throughout the years to lower his self-imposed wall around himself. Even at the beginning of Team Seven, he kept himself at an arms length. His introduction of himself was proof enough of that:

"Things I like and things I hate… I don't feel like telling you that. My dreams for the future… never really thought about it. As for my hobbies… I have lots of hobbies."

He was always elusive of answering even the simplest questions about his life. What exactly was he afraid of in talking about himself? He wasn't sure, but knew that now more than ever he needed a change, especially if he wanted to have any hopes of connecting with someone.

The dates he had been on in the past usually didn't result in anything. Either he didn't open up much or felt hopeless in trying to figure out what to look for in someone. Maybe he was trying too hard? What else was he supposed to feel besides just being attracted to someone? What made it love? People say it's just something you just know, but where was the line between lust and love?

With a loud sigh, he continued to walk the bustling streets towards a moderately sized wooden house. He found it quite big for just a single person, but perhaps he had been cooped up in his own tiny apartment for too many years now.

The closer he approached, the more visible the lacquer shine of the dark red door made him recall how he, Yamato, Sai and Naruto helped the young pink-haired medic move in nearly half a year ago. Before settling her stuff inside, they helped paint the inside and outside walls. He and Sakura teamed up to paint the front door at one point, which a slipped brush sparked a very amusing paint war between them both. Completely splattered with red paint on their clothes and hair, they got a good laugh from Naruto freaking out that they had been brutally attacked by something.

Since then, Sakura had been so much more talkative around him up until lately. He thought it was a nice change, but it just like in the market, one day she seemed fine and then the next, she began to act differently around him. It was small things he noticed at first, like her making a point to avoid looking him in the eye sometimes, or immediately avoiding his company when they were alone together.

It bothered him a lot at first, fearing he might have upset her in someway and was just too oblivious to whatever mistake he might have made. The last thing he wanted was to upset her. He cared… and not just as a mentor, but as a friend. He wanted to know what was wrong, but was always too afraid to ask. It was funny how compared to a battle, asking about her feelings seemed so much more terrifying.

He sighed, raising his exposed knuckles to the door. After a quick knock, he decided maybe now was finally the time ask. Without any sign of movement from the inside, he knocked once more, but a little louder.

"Sakura," he called out, peering into the windows. Disappointed in finding the curtains closed, he sighed again and knocked for a third time.

"I can hear you breathing in there," he dryly lied, hoping if she was purposely avoiding him, she would feel guilty enough to open the door.

Still yielding no response, he hesitantly placed the basket in front of her door. Hands in pockets, he lingered one final look towards the windows before turning to leave. Inwardly he hoped she was just somewhere else around town.

But a few steps half way down the street, he looked back finding the basket on her doorstep no where to be found. Deep down, somehow that hurt a lot more than he cared to admit.

[ Author Note: I need to rename Pocket of Drabbles to 'Pocket of Tangents'. Sigh. I really want to keep everything short and sweet in this random collection, but my mind seems incapable. T_T

There will be a Part 3 to this. I can't stop myself. *repeatedly punches Muse* ]