Chapter 36,

Part 3 of 3

Shifting Sands~ A situation that changes very often in an unmanageable way. The unexpected continues to happen. Until the crows rest and weep no more.

NOTE: I've received a couple of messages from readers already. They didn't get past notices of chapters posted. If it seems as this doesn't pickup from the last chapter. Check to see if you missed reading any.

The air didn't blow, not a trace of a slight breeze could be caught, it was stiffing. There were no indications of a storm brewing up ahead of us. It was perfectly still, the calm of the sins we committed in the night. Would give no clue to the death that circled around us all.

When we exited the car, the crows landed. Heads hung low, huddled together tightly. There were only two this time. The white faced crow set in silence with another just like him, one I hadn't seen before. No one else but me seemed to even notice as we hurried past them to get to him. But, I already knew the crows were here for him. John came to take his son home. Which, meant he didn't have much time left here on this earth.

"Tara." I was wrong, one did notice. Ellie stood with her feet frozen to the ground. She didn't make another sound as she stared at them.

"Honey, I need you to listen to me. You watch the boys while I go check on him." She fought back her tears because she knew too what was coming. What was the unfortunate end.

Inside these hospital walls I'd witnessed many things. Some were pleasant, the miracle of life had drudged on in victory for the hopeless. Other horrible times, were just a wasted life that didn't have to be that way. Then there were the events that impacted me and life as I once knew it.

"His name is Abel. When I heard you were back, I ran through my head how it would be. It was a sign of a second chance for us. You've always been Abel's mother. I love you, Tara. I'll never give up on us."

When the doors opened, we couldn't get up the elevator fast enough. Only to be too late when we had. I heard them scream out code blue, as the sad sound echoed down the hall. I knew.

Gemma wouldn't listen when they told her she had to wait outside. She never listened to authority over her well. It was hospital policy for family or friends to wait and not be in there. They were trying to save his life and keep her out. Yet, I knew, he was too far gone already.

The waiting area had a huge glass window that replaced half of the hall . Many times, I seen my past and my future when I looked through them. But now, I witnessed the present. The white face crow started flight, the other followed after him. He showed Thomas the way.

Within seconds, all the buzzers went off. The life line to him, it sounded the warning. "Clear." The doctor done his best to revive him, get him to take in another breath of life. When the doors opened up the doctor had called it, I knew it was over for Thomas. Or perhaps his after life just begun.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't save him." The doctor told Gemma first. There was no way in hell you could make her move away from the doors as we waited.

She held on to the wall to steady herself while she went through the set of cold steel doors. She went to face what no mother should ever have to. To fall to her knees before she made it there. Nero helped her up and no one was going to stop her if she has to crawl to get there. To see her baby one more time.

All the terrible things I had said or thought about Gemma before, weren't important today. She was a grieving mother and I felt completely helpless. I didn't know what to say to her or how to help her even. So, I did the best I could. While I prayed selfishly to never know that kind of pain.

As I went to the doors, something I fought myself to not do. She set on the bed with Thomas' head in her arms, rocking him as if he were still a small child. What I had done with my sons so many times when they were sleepy, ill or needed the comfort of their mother.

The blood gushed from him on to her. His beaten body, his face barley recognizable. "I'm sorry but you have to leave." Gemma didn't listen to a word the nurse said. She was just doing her job. Gemma was just being a broken mother.

"Get away from me." The nurse got a shove when she tried to get Gemma to turn loose of Thomas. A mother never turns loose of their baby.

"I'll handle it."

"Yes, Dr. Knowles. Five more minutes, the morgue is on the way." She understood, we witnessed death all the time. Only this one, it would effect me for a long time to come.

Part of me expected to see Thomas make a miraculous recovery as he had as a child. The nine crows above his bed, they circled while the miracle of life was carried on for him. It was hard for me to believe he was saved back then to only end this way.

Since I hadn't known him for long or that well really. What comforted me the most was a low hum of the damn song he loved so much. It played along in my head while I replayed the day over we visited his house. Thomas' laughter with my children. The beautiful horse he rode on so proudly. The silly jokes he told. The squabble he had with Kyle until he got what he wanted. The way he welcomed me and my children with open arms as his family.

After I wiped my eyes, I glanced over. The clock on the wall registered five more ticking minutes of life for us. Death for Thomas and pure torture for Gemma.

When they knocked on the door, it was time. "Gemma, we need to go." That's the best I could come up with. What do you say to a mother in this type of situation?

"I've lost my baby twice now. I can't do this again."

Nero got her to finally let go of her baby boy. But, she wouldn't leave until she watched them bag his body. Before they went to zip it up. She ran her unsteady hand over his forehead and down his face. She said something in his ear and placed a kiss on his cheek.

Jax and the club were outside the emergency room doors as we came through them. Gemma wouldn't even look his way. But she made her feelings known though. "Your brother's blood is on you. I will never forgive you for it." She held her head high as she passed by them. She was truly stronger than I ever could be if I walked in her shoes.

They weren't the only ones here waiting for the outcome, Kyle and his brothers came too. I was confused, because he had as much blood on him, as Gemma did. "You get those son of a bitches that did this to my baby." Kyle only nodded at her request.

It seemed as though everyone knew exactly what happened to Thomas but me. What occurred up to the point of his death. In reality, maybe Gemma was just so used to this kind of life, she knew. Or maybe, I was just to blind to see up until now.

Nero had to help Gemma in the car. She had gotten sick a couple of times already. Jax kept his distance from her and me. But he wasn't going to get off that easily this time.

"What the hell happened to Thomas?"

"The Cartel."

"This is relation for what the club did. Jesus Christ, Jax. This could have been one of our children." I was done with it all. I walked away stronger, more determined than I had ever been.

"But it wasn't." When those words were spoken by Jax. My hate took over my heart. He was so nonchalant, as though it were no big deal. Not for my children or his brother who laid dead because of the fucking club.

"Did you seriously just say that shit to me? Do you have any idea what you do to the people around you? I'm not even talking about just your family. Look at what you've done to your club. Half of the members are dead and the other half lives in misery. Yet, you just think of yourself. Some day, you won't have the club or your family anymore."

"Is that a threat, Tara?"

"It's a fucking promise."

There really wasn't anything else to say between us. There was no need to continue to insult the other. Continue to pretend all was well. Or to continue on as we were any longer. When I slammed the door shut on Nero's car. I slammed a lot of things shut forever.

The eerie silence on the way back to Gemma's house were only shadowed by the sobs she tried to hide. As I watched her take one step at time up the stairs. It took all of her strength to take the next one before her. I'd been down this path, it was like watching myself in slow motion. Loosing everything just one step at a time. If I didn't have a wake up call before now, this was it.

"I'll call tomorrow." Were the only words spoken as we made our way to the car. Really what else could I say about it all?

"Mommy."

"Yeah, baby."

"Did Uncle Thomas die?"

"Yes." As much as I wanted to talk to Abel about his uncle and what happened. I couldn't. He didn't bring up anything else on the way home and I was grateful. I would have to tell my sons many facts later on I dreaded.

They were as wore out as I was. There wasn't a peep made from my children as they went straight to bed. After I tucked them in, I tried to sleep. But Thomas' words kept coming back to me, consuming in my head. "I found what you guys missed. The other piece of the puzzle is in John's book."

With a sigh, I flung the covers off me. From the top shelf in the closet, I unwrapped John's journal from the sweater I had around it.

Page by page I went through it. Some of it I read several times and nothing stood out at me as what Thomas meant or found. There was probably one person who would know instantly. I wouldn't call Kyle though. I had to get used to the fact, I couldn't rely on him any longer. I was truly on my own and all alone once again. In the truth, I hadn't felt this alone since I was a small child.

When I came to the last passage John wrote. Even though I didn't understand its full meaning. All I thought of were his three sons and his grandsons.

You have fought this far and read everything I had to tell you, son. You must believe the future can be brighter. The strong walk forward in it. No matter how dark or uncertain it may be ahead of you. Until now, I wasn't strong enough to face what I had done with the club. To my wife, Gemma and to my sons in the process.

Only those who have not abandoned the hope can turn back the prophecy of doom. Let pure love light your way.

This is the final time I write to you. It's the final time for a lot of things in my life. But, yours can be different. Only if you want it to be. Remember my son, a piece of leather does not make you man. Your heart does.

"Tara, are you still awake?"

With motion of my hand, Ellie joined me. She gently set down on the bed. I waited for her to say something, but she never did.

"Is there something you want to talk about, honey?"

"No."

Ellie laid her head down and pulled the covers up over her. Maybe she just needed the comfort of someone to be there. So, that's what I done. I laid beside her until I finally must have fell asleep as well.

It was my cell that woke me. I stumbled around to find my purse. "Hello."

"I want to let you know. Thomas' service will be tomorrow, closed casket, at the cemetery."

"We will be there. How is Gemma?"

Nero hesitated before he answered. "She's not well. I have to make other calls. I'll talk to you later."

Gemma was deep in sorrow, I was certain. When it consumed your heart, if you looked again. You would see that in the truth you were weeping for the one who brought so much delight to you. They were gone and they took your heart with them.

After I covered Ellie up. I went to each of my boys, to check on them. Thanked god, to have just one more day with them.

SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~

There came a time you had to choose to expose your children to death or shelter them from it. I wanted to shelter them as long as I possibly could. They had experienced more death, chaos and heartache than any child ever should know.

Since I had no one else, I asked Margret if the kids could stay with her for an hour or so. She didn't seem to mind. If she did, she hid it well from me anyway.

However, I personally didn't do so well with it when I arrived at the cemetery. It was best my children not witness how I felt.

The casket was already in place with the American flag draped across it. Every now and again, the breeze would lift a corner of it up to expose what was really under it. Why we stood here today before it. Who would be extremely missed as he was laid to rest.

But would Thomas rest now? With the crows in flight just as he passed away. Did his soul make it there or was it still roaming around aimlessly on earth? Would he be destined to repeat what his father had done? Would he too return to earth some day with unfinished business? Would Jax and Kyle follow suit?

The truck pulled up finally, I knew he wouldn't miss this. Kyle was dressed in his uniform just like the other Marines. From the trailer in the back, he brought out the beautiful black horse. He was all dressed up too. A royal blue blanket under the black leather saddle. The same blue colored silk socks on his legs.

As Kyle led him towards us. Thomas' empty cowboy boots hung backwards from the stirrups of the saddle. With the black cowboy hat off the horn of it. To show respect for the rider's death. As though he were taking his final ride, one more time.

All of the Marines stood at attention to salute. They held that position as Kyle led him around the casket to back down the hill again. To put him in the horse trailer.

Cowboy hat in hand, Kyle climbed the long hill at a slow pace. Not in any hurry to reach his destination. It shifted in his hands before he laid it on top of the closed casket. "I love you, brother." With his head hung low, he joined the long line of Marines.

From the rumble they made, it wasn't hard to tell who else was about to appear. It made me smile Jax actually came on his own accord to pay respects to his brother. But, it made my heart hurt in the same breath. If we hadn't brought Thomas into the circle of chaos, he would have never connected to Jax or the club. Would it have made a difference? Would Thomas still be alive? Or would the path of death and destruction taken someone else from me I loved so much?

There was one thing for certain; a chaotic heart could only survive this kind of life. In this midst of movement and chaos, you had to remain perfectly still. Let it pass you by. Or it spread like wildfire and you fell in love with the feeling of the warmth it gave you. Until the flames consumed your very soul.

When the ceremony began, I jumped a little. It brought me out of my thoughts while each shot rang out for the salute they did for Thomas. Riffles held out in front of them. When instructed they aimed, fired and returned to the standing stiff position Pops ordered them too. For the final shot he fired a riffle with them. Then broke down himself. It was the first real emotion I ever seen the man have.

Kyle's aunt was by her husband's side when it was over. We couldn't hear their conversation. But, you could tell she was comforting him. Then as quickly as it happened, it was over. Pops returned to the strong leader the guys had always known. He stood in front of the casket and gave Thomas Teller a final sign of love and respect.

Boomer and Meat stood by the casket, as they removed the flag. Their moves were in unison. Almost robotic as they never got out of step or sync with the other. As they folded it up together. In a neat, sharp creased corners until they finished.

While Boomer returned to the line of the others. Meat tucked the flag under his arm as his hand went to his forehead for one of his fallen brothers. The closer he moved to Gemma, a single tear ran down his cheek.

He only looked forward, made precise steps to get to her. Ignored his feelings he had. Held out the flag between his hands for her to take. She only shook her head no. She refused it. Just because she didn't take it, didn't make it any less real or stop his death.

No one should never experience as much death as Gemma had in her life time. Maybe, John Teller was right. The fact was, he done this to her. He turned her into what she became because of him. It wasn't a good excuse for all the evil Gemma had done. But, today, watching the pain inflicted on her while she buried her baby twice. It was a good enough excuse.

Meat once again tried to get her to take the flag. It didn't happen until Kyle bent down in front of her, whispered something. Along with Thomas' cowboy hat in his hand, he convinced her. Once Gemma finally did accept it, Kyle laid the hat on top of the flag.

"Thomas would want you to have it. He loved you, Gemma. I don't think you realize, what a difference it made in his life to you know you are his mother." Kyle stood with a squeeze to her shoulder before he went back in line. Those kind words he spoke to her seemed to give her some strength to make it through the rest of the service. He always had the calm and gentle persona about him. Like his father, he could reach you with mere words.

When everyone was going back to their vehicles. Kyle's aunt stopped me. "Are you coming to house?"

"I have to pickup the kids. But, thank you for asking me."

"You can bring them if you want. We are having a life celebration for Thomas. It's what he would want. That young man was full of life and lived every minute to the fullest."

"Yeah." It's all I could say while I fought back the tears. It was tears of grievance, guilt and sadness. The boys would never have the chance to know their uncle.

"So, are you coming?" She was very persistent. Almost to concerned if I was or not.

"I doubt it."

"I have a letter for you from Thomas. Do you want me to forward it to you?"

"A letter for me?"

Now, I had to go and know what he wrote about. Thomas had dropped it off with her when he was out looking for Kyle. He made her promise him, she would give it to no one but me personally.

First, I went to pickup the kids. Then I thought about what if Jax asked where I went to afterwards. But then again, I didn't care what he thought about me going. When you reached this point with your husband, it had been over a lot longer than you wished to admit to.

For just a little longer, I needed to keep the facade up. Sometimes, it took all my strength to grin and bare it. If I fought with him about every thing that happened on a daily basis, it would be harder on me to make our escape.

"Kyle is here. Is Cody?" Abel was excited at the site of Kyle and the thought of his little friend. But I had to burst his bubble. His best friend was nowhere to be found. "Oh." You could tell his disappointment.

If you looked from the outside in, you seen a happy gathering. A fun event for all. But, it wasn't. It was particularly hard on one. Kyle set off by himself away from the celebration. With a untouched beer in his hand. I gave a smile and a small wave before we went in the house.

"There's my boy." Kyle's aunt doted over Thomas and wanted to hold him. I almost forgot the horrible reason she kept him for me. Yet, I'd forget. Through the crowd of people, I searched for Abel. He was playing cars with another little boy.

"Would like something to drink?" She was a perfect hostess. She made a point to socialize with everyone she crossed on our way to the kitchen.

"I'm not in the mood to drink. Thanks anyway."

"I have water boiling for vanilla lavender tea. It's my choice of a drink."

"Sounds good." The bar stools were the only empty place to set. The house was full of people. I pulled one out. She placed an envelope on the bar for me before she excused herself. She took off with my son in her arms. I knew she would take great care of him.

With trembling fingers, I opened it. The white piece of notebook paper peeked out of it. It stared me in the face, I couldn't even stare back. Finally, I pulled it out.

Being of sound mind and beautiful body. I leave all my possessions and money to Tara Teller. Except for my horse. Kyle gets him.

Let's face it, I got John Teller's blood. I am a rambling man of my own accord, not to ever be tied down and to die freely on my terms. Kyle is a survivor, a settled man with a huge heart. The crows speak through him for the same reason, he is his father's son. I know he will make sure you and the boys are alright.

There is a reason you saved me and Kyle from going down in a fiery crash on that day. This is it, honey. John knew how it had to be when he led you to Kyle with the crow, it was set in motion then. In case you haven't figured it out yet, you are the archangel. It all started with you and it will end with you too.

Never let anyone take away who you really are. Remember, all the time you have is now.

Five times, I read his letter. Each time I came to a different conclusion. Of the message Thomas left me.

"Are you okay?" Kyle's aunt set down a cup of tea down in front of me. The sweet smell of vanilla assaulted my nose. With just a hint of flowers.

"I can't believe Thomas left everything to me. He didn't really know me that well." It wasn't a secret I was telling her, she notarized the piece of paper for him.

"Thomas thought of you and the boys as his family." She excused herself when someone came into the kitchen. They were organizing the food to put out.

Again, I read his letter while I waited for her to come back. "What?" I was with the program enough to know someone was talking to me. Just not enough to know what they had said.

"The food is ready. Come make a plate." She was nice and I couldn't remember her name. I recognized her when I came here before with Kyle.

The thought of food made me feel ill. My stomach just couldn't handle it. I sipped my tea until it was gone. The sounds from outside caught my attention. They were loud and arguing.

The guys were out back on the patio. From the back door I heard some of their conversation.

"You can't do this alone, Kyle. Don't be stupid." Meat screamed the loudest about it. All the guys were willing to make the same sacrifice to bring down those who killed Thomas. As they did when they helped rescue my son.

"The fuck I can't." Although,Kyle wasn't listening to them. I'm sure the guilt of Thomas' death weighed as heavily on his mind as well.

So, I gave it a shot. "Please, don't do this." They turned around to see me standing here eves dropping. Most of them walked away without anymore discussion about it.

Not Meat though. He still had a lot more to say. "Thomas was my brother too. I served beside him with honor. His death, will be honored. Don't shut me out, Kyle."

Kyle wouldn't answer him back. Meat strolled by me on his way back in. "Maybe you can talk some sense in to him."

So, again I tried. "It's not your fault. The Cartel will kill you if you go after them. Please, don't do it."

"Did you give this same speech to Jax? I love you, girl. But, there is nothing you can say to me, that will stop me."

"You're not like Jax."

"Yes, I am like him. I just have more control over it than he does. Horror, is just a mirrored image of ourselves at our worst. I will not let Thomas have died in vain. I will not let his death go unanswered. I will not hesitate to kill Jax if he gets in my way. And, I don't give a fuck who I got to kill in the Cartel, to get to the one that killed Thomas."

We kept arguing about it. It got me nowhere with Kyle. So, I switched my approach. I tried to rationalize with him. Usually, it worked well. Only for him to get angry.

"Do you think this is all a coincidence? You and I just randomly met? Thomas just happened to be in the Cartel's path? I was suppose to die. Not him."

Kyle had walked away from me so many times recently. He wasn't going to this time. I grabbed his arm and wasn't letting go. "What are you talking about?"

"Thomas knew good blood and evil blood had to spill first. He made that call on his own. He died in my place. It was supposed to be me, he knew that too. Good only conquers evil when pure love exist. Only one Teller brother will survive in the end, heaven and hell cannot coexist here on earth together. You become the monster to stop the monster. There is no fucking way, I will just let it go."

"Thomas said the exact same thing to me. Only one Teller brother can be left standing in the end. You better tell me, Kyle. What the hell it means."

SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~

For hours I watched my children play at the park. The sunshine to start the day gave you the warmth you so desperately needed. The birds chirped a happy song. It was all so misleading. They were normal, just the way children should be. With not a care in the world existed for them. When trouble was taking us over.

A prospect parked his bike a distance away. Yet, I knew why he was here. It would end up making the escape much more difficult. If they followed us around, how in the hell could I leave without being noticed?

But, on the other hand. The Cartel was out for blood. For the blood of their family that spilled, they would spill ten times more. It was the way of the outlaws.

While the kids played, I tried to put the pieces together. Thomas, Kyle, Jax, Gemma, John and all the other shit that went along with it.

When you thought back, some things said to you were just an after thought. They had no significant meaning at the time. Yet, they were devastating later on.

"We all only have so many days on this earth. In the end, there can only be one Teller brother left standing. I live life to the fullest extent. I have no regrets if tomorrow doesn't come around for me. You'll probably not understand this, in some ways. I feel like I am meant to be here. To finish what John started. I came home again. I found the final piece in John's book. Now, I know why he came back to make this right. In case you haven't figured it out yet, you are the archangel. It all started with you and it will end with you too."

Thomas may have known the total secret. But I was confused as hell still. When you looked back, they gave you all the signs and signals. You had to be in tune enough to pick up on them. Put yourself in the scenario to make sense of it all.

From my phone I looked up the term of archangel. "Thought of as the angel of protection and the most powerful of all the angels. Considered a leader within the angelic realm and a patron angel of righteousness, mercy and justice. That doesn't sound like me at all."

Once I decided to let it rest, what Thomas had said to me. I went on down the line. This was the hardest one to swallow.

"Is this how you plan to end it? Do you really think I will give up my club or family without a fight? You need to listen to me carefully. I will not let my family go. Or let them take my club from me. I love you, Tara. But, if you cross me..."

The fight would come soon enough. How far it carried out, depended on Jax. No matter how I ran it through my mind, it always went to a dark place I didn't want.

"You know what you have to do." As Abel ran by me with George, I knew no matter how ugly things got. How badly I hurt someone or got hurt myself. I was saving them.

It wasn't until I remembered what Kyle said to me. I knew I read something similar from John Teller.

"Good only conquers evil when pure love exist. Only one Teller brother will survive in the end, heaven and hell cannot coexist here on earth together. You become the monster to stop the monster."

Frantically I flipped through John's journal when we got home. "Where the hell is it?"

When you fight for something. The conflict you started out to defeat. It overlaps with the initial cause. You lost sight of what you fought for to begin with. What started out in the club as defending our way of life. Became the only way we would except or allow to coexist with us. When blood spilled, at first, we had a cause, a reason.

Then more blood and death was cast by us without a purpose or any remorse. But, when the two were mixed. When the blood ran as one, hell came to Charming. You couldn't tell any longer if it was a good or evil thing we created.

We all have a monster that lurks within; the difference is the degree, not the kind. There is a beast in every man, once it is stirred. It must be stopped, after it makes it through the gates of hell. It will destroy everything in its path, everything you love. The club must be stopped. The only way I have found to stop the monster, is to become it.

We all want to pretend we're innocent, above it all. In reality, we weren't. We were the monster. It fed from me, while it filtered to the others. The light and dark side runs through us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are. Whatever is done for love always goes beyond good and evil.

History always repeated itself. If we broke the cycle, could we truly stop it from happening again? My head pounded after reading that, as I searched for the aspirin bottle. We had to leave for Abel's doctor appointment already. Before I grabbed my purse off the kitchen counter, I took in a deep breath. This was it, the final item to cross off the list.

"Let's go."

Abel wasn't thrilled about a visit to the doctor. He had been poked and prodded on so much in his young life. Although, a sick child had been cured through a miracle. A miracle I couldn't fully understand yet.

"Can I get a three month prescription?"

"I don't believe the insurance will pay for it. They usually on cover a thirty day supply."

"It's okay, I'll pay for it. We are going on a trip, I don't want to run out." The doctor gave me an odd look. But wrote it any way for me. "You can make the appointment for Abel's follow up on your way out."

"Sure." It might of been what I said. It wasn't what I done. I skipped the receptionist desk all together. The pharmacy was my next stop.

The money couldn't come out of my purse fast enough for the medication. I didn't care what it cost. Abel would have them and I wouldn't have to worry about it for another three months. By then, a lot of thing would already be determined.

On our way home, I made another detour. This would be grandma's last chance to see the kids. Nero answered the door. He didn't seem like his normal self.

"It's not a good time for them to see Gemma."

Once Nero explained, I agreed with him. Gemma hadn't moved from the spot she sat after Thomas' service. She would eat nothing, what sleep she got was in the same chair from total exhaustion. If he spoke to her, she might answer him or she might choose not to.

To reach out to Gemma, was something I felt I must do. Or at the least, try to. When I opened the door to the sun porch, I saw what Nero meant. She was still dressed in the same clothes she had on then. Her tear stained face hid nothing. I wanted to try to talk to her before I left even though she wouldn't acknowledge my presences. "I wanted to stop and see how you are doing? If you need anything."

Slowly she turned her head in my direction away from the window she set and looked out of. To return to the same spot. "I used to watch Jackson and Thomas play out this window when they were little. Almost every day they were in front of it. After Thomas died...died the first time. I never saw Jackson through it again. No matter how many times I looked out of it, I couldn't see him."

Gemma had survived more tragedy than most women could ever suffer. This might be the very thing that totally done her in. "If you need anything, call me."

"I hope you never experience the loss of a child. People who haven't don't understand what it does to you on the inside. If I could have taken Thomas' place, I would have." She took in a long inhale of her smoke. The exhale, was even longer. "My life is over anyway. No one really needs me."

"That's not true. Your grandsons love you. I know Nero does too."

"Lets not sugar coat shit. We both know Nero is better off without me. I just complicate his life. Jackson despises me and he will teach the boys to hate me."

"If you need anything, call me." Once more I made the offer to her. Even though she never heard or comprehended a word of it. "I should get going."

When you were in self loathing mode, there was nothing anyone could say to you. There was nothing that would make you feel better in the particular moment. There was nothing I could do to change how Gemma would feel about me when I took her grandsons out of her life either.

"Thanks for coming by. Gemma doesn't have a lot of people that care about her. You know how much she loves the boys."

"Yeah." It was the only thing left to say. I couldn't look Nero in the eyes after he talked about how much Gemma loved the boys. I pulled my sunglasses down and proceeded forward. Forward to then end of this kind of life.

When I pulled the car in the driveway. Instant panic struck when Jax was waiting for us at home. As badly as I shook, I had to get myself together. It had to appear normal, nothing was wrong. Or he would get tipped off. I got Thomas out of his car seat, the others went ahead of us.

"I'm taking the boys, Kenny and Ellie to the clubhouse with me." The more I protested, the more determined Jax was to do it. "You're always saying I need to spend more time with them. Is there a reason you don't wanna let me take them, Tara?"

"I was going to take them to the park to play. You go ahead and have fun with them. I will pickup them up later. We go have dinner together or something." It was said with a smile on my face. Although my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I knew better than to fight Jax on it. What the outcome would be.

"You should come with us. With the Cartel around, it's not safe for you to be on your own. Bad shit can happen." It was the last thing Jax said to me before he took Thomas out of my arms.

"I'll be there soon. I love you guys." Ellie hesitated to go with him. She stopped before they made it to his truck. He wasn't exactly her favorite person. But, I done a small nod to encourage her and only hoped she understood why this had to be done this way. To keep up the facade until we could get the hell out of this town.

This would not alter my plans from happening tonight, it was just a delay. I went into the house. For the next couple of hours I went through: every closet, drawer and box. To make sure I missed nothing. It would be my last chance to get out. To get my babies out.

The kitchen was my last stop. On the frig there were many drawings Abel had done and the only one Kenny made for me. After I picked out a few, I shoved them in my bag. The last thing I had to grab was George's stuff. I gathered up the arm load and put it in the car. Tucked the keys in my pocket and was ready to go.

By the front door was the leash I still needed. As I went to hook it in the collar, it was interrupted by a knock on the door. I peeped out to see Juice on the other side of the back door in the kitchen.

"Hey. What are you doing here?"

Once the door was shut behind him. "You have to get outta here, now. Jax knows everything..." The rumble of pipes could be heard in the dark of the night. There was no mistaking the sound for who it was. Juice moved the kitchen curtain slightly. "Shit, lets go."

"I'm not going anywhere." When Juice held out his hand, I backed away from him. Could I really trust him?

"You told me, if I didn't trust someone. I will never survive. If you don't leave with me, you won't survive this. Do you think I'd chance Jax cutting my heart because I warned you. If I wanted to hurt you, Tara?"

"I can't leave without Abel's dog."

Juice helped me over the fence in the backyard. Then handed George over it. I could barley support it's weight. Let alone the weight of the world that came crashing down on me.

"You need to get outta town. Leave now."

"I'm not leaving without my children."

"I can't help you anymore." Juice took off running streets over where he parked his bike. Of course I was on my own. But, I couldn't stop now.

George and I waited them out until they left. We hid in the shadows of the neighbor's house on another street. They spent time as they went though the entire house looking for me. When I felt it was safe enough, I put the dog in the car and this was it for me. My keys were already in my pocket. They fumbled in my hand before I started it up and I never looked back. Until I pulled into the parking lot.

Jax was alone with the kids when I arrived at the clubhouse. Only his truck was parked in the front. The cameras would warn him of my arrival. But, I didn't care. I tucked the gun in the back of my pants, just like he always had done. I was ready to do it this way if I had to.

Jax slammed the drink down his throat and snubbed out the smoke in the ashtray when I came through the door. He was obviously expecting me for awhile. Which, he knew I'd never leave without my children. Which, I knew he'd never let me leave freely either.

"I love you more, Tara, than I ever have anyone. That's the truth. Why are doing this to me? To our family?" In reality, I believed Jax felt he loved me as much as he possibly could. It wasn't a matter any longer of what I was doing to our family but, what I was going to do for them.

"There is nothing you can say or do to change my mind this time. There is only one way to stop me from walking out the door with our children. And you will do it in front of your sons. They will watch you gun down their mother and they will hate you for eternity for doing it."

My chosen path was taken, my stance was known and I waited to know his choice. The line was drawn in the sand between us. When I crossed over it, would he retaliate against me? Would my children be devastated by what they witnessed? Would they ever know how much I truly loved them and was willing to sacrifice for them?

When nothing happened, I picked up Thomas' carrier off the table. I was taking my children and nothing or no one would stop me from it. Before I made my way across the bar, Jax was in front of me to block the way. It was what I expected to happen. But, what came next, I never saw coming.

"Step away from Tara." Jax turned around to see Tig's gun in his face. "Ellie, take the boys outside." I was grateful Tig made the decision to put the children first and get them out of here.

"Tig." Ellie got his attention before she made her way out, my children's only way out. "Mommy wants you to know, she forgives you and so do I." For a moment Tig lost control over his emotions. The tears fell freely. As he regained his composer, leaned his head over and swiped his eyes on the sleeve of his shirt. Then cleared his throat before a hard look crossed his face.

"What the hell are you doing? You know what happens when a member kills another member. Just pulling a gun on a club president is enough for a mayhem vote. You just signed your death warrant."

"It's been signed for a long time, brother. Maybe I just wasn't ready but now, I am. Please don't make me kill you, Jax. But, I will if you don't move the fuck away from Tara."

Jax went to move out of my direction. He slipped his hand inside his leather, I took in a breath, afraid to exhale it. I didn't know if it was for me or Tig. Immediately, I put Thomas down on the floor and stepped away from him to keep him out of harms way. If anything happened, it would be to me.

The man I loved for most of my life, stood before me, with my fate in his hands. Like it was most of the time. Only I was to blame because I let him have that power over me. He was always granted a free pass because of my love for him. I became the big push over that made excuses for the things he had done. Those excuses were just a futile attempt to justify it. Maybe, I knew this point would come some day between us. Or maybe I thought I could change him with our love. But his love for the club was stronger and ran deeper than ours ever did. I was only fooling myself, if I thought otherwise.

My eyes took a long blink, I said a quick prayer when they were closed. If God ever heard or listened to me, I hoped it was today. When I opened them, our eyes were locked on each others. The longer I stared into Jax's pretty blue eyes, I realized this wasn't the same person I fell in love with so long ago. He was a boy then, far from innocent, but distant from the man he become. The monster grew inside him until it took over his soul. But once again, he wasn't totally to blame for it. He had so many influences that pushed him down the path of destruction. The same path my boys were destined to take if I stayed with them in Charming.

Tig reacted by his gun barrel in the back of Jax's head so close, it would kill him in an instant. "Give me the gun." Jax hesitated, he didn't move his hand any closer but not away either. After our eye contact broke, he finally pulled his hand away from it and allowed Tig to take it out of his leather.

"You need to go, doll. Go save your children. What I failed to do with my own."

"What about you? You can come with us. It doesn't have to..."

It was the most genuine, sweet smile I seen on Tig's face in a long time. "This is my home. This is where it ends for me. Will you do me one favor?"

"Yes." I tried to hide my emotions, hold back the fear I felt for him and the tears fell anyway.

"Take my dog. I want to make sure Sophia is with someone who will love her and care for her."

The only thing I could do was nod and cry for him. I knew the consequences Tig would face for the help he gave me. The saddest part, he knew and done it anyway. I went to say more as he cut me off this time. "Go."

With four children and two dogs, I sped away. Unsure of where all of this would take us. Unsure how the day would end. Unsure of the destiny ahead of us. But, I knew the path had a light somewhere in it. I just had to find it and believe it was there.

When I felt a warm hand touch mine. Ellie gave me a smile. She knew, bless her heart, she knew it all. About Donna, how the club took her parents away. Yet, she was trying to comfort me. I tried to keep my voice low. "It'll be okay." Maybe those words were for her or maybe, they were for myself.

The spot by the old car was empty in the parking garage where I had left it for a quick get away. I parked quickly and was up on the ledge to get the keys. But, Abel brought me out of the fear and reminded me. This was all for them. Only they still had no idea what was ahead of them.

"Mommy, where are we going?"

Before I could even think of a good response. Ellie handled it. "We are going on vacation. It will be fun."

Abel said no more. He grabbed his backpack and George. He was ready to go. Even Kenny relaxed at the reassurance from his sister.

But there was a long road ahead of us. Just because we made it out of Charming, didn't mean we totally made it out yet. I drove for hours until I thought we were at least safe to stop. The kids had been asleep for a while. "Wake up guys. This is where we will stay tonight. Will you watch the boys until I get us a room?"

They didn't need to witness me pretending to be another person at check in. It was the only safe way for the club to not track me down. Because if they did, god help us all.

It wasn't a cheap place to stay either. The water park inside was a family attraction. It also gave my babies a chance to be just normal kids and have fun. After we got a few hours sleep. Then the sun would come up as just another ordinary day to start.

Sleep never came for me though. I heard every sound nearby, every car that passed and every time one of the kids made a movement. George's head raised when I got up. Then they snuggled back in bed with Abel, Kenny and Sophia.

Thomas hadn't slept long either. I set at the small table with him. With just the glow of the bathroom light in the room. I flipped through the channels on the television. I found it didn't capture my attention enough to take my mind off my worries.

It didn't take long for them to begin to stir. Abel and Kenny didn't want breakfast, they wanted to play. They couldn't wait to change in their swimsuits. I put out a bowl of water and food for the dogs while they got ready. Two dogs wasn't in the plan but we would adjust. They were even playing with George's toys together when we left.

Down the giant slide they went numerous times. Ellie was great with the boys. She swam well and waited at the bottom for them to splash down. Some day, I could see her as a mother, a great mother.

It was under protest we left to get some breakfast. They could have spent the entire day here. Once, I agreed we would come back this afternoon, they were okay with it. I handed each of them a t-shirt to put over their swim trunks. Ellie brought shorts and a tank top to throw over hers.

We walked across the street to eat. They got food and I wanted coffee. A lot of it. For no sleep, I felt wide awake. It could have been a caffeine high or an Adrenalin rush of fear.

For the dogs we got two bacon egg and cheese biscuits to go. Abel unwrapped George's. "Sit down. Good boy." It always made me smile when he referred to George as a boy still. Abel would discover that secret on his own soon enough.

"Do you know how to sit." Sophia plopped down on her back legs. She took each bite I gave her. "Kenny, do you want to feed her?"

He was happy to do it. As Sophia followed him around the room. I could see a bond forming between them. She liked the red ball. Then it became a contest to see if George or Sophia could get to it first when the boys threw it.

When the knock came on the door it was and wasn't a surprise. The good time was over for us. They kept beating on it. "Tara, open the door. I know you're in there."

With gun in hand. "Take the boys in the bathroom. Lock the door and don't open it for anyone but me." Ellie was afraid, but still done as I asked her to.

A simple locked door knob and a chain was all that separated them from me. All that stopped them. There was nowhere to run to. There was no way out of this room. There was no way to get away from them.

"Tara." They got louder and louder. If I didn't address it soon, the hotel would.

With a click, it was unlocked. The chain was still on when I cracked the door open.

"Are you seriously pointing a gun at me?"

"What the hell do you want?"

"I told you. You aren't taking my grandsons anywhere."

It wasn't Gemma that convinced me to open the door. It was Nero. He had always been straight with me and fair. I still didn't let my guard down or the gun.

"How did you find us?"

Gemma picked up the Abel's black monkey from the bed. Pulled it's head off and took out a small black plastic piece from the stuffing. "I knew you wouldn't leave without the boys. Abel takes his monkey everywhere." She had been tracking that fucking monkey since the boys left the hospital.

"I'm not going back to Charming. My children are not going back to Charming."

"I'm not going back to Charming either. I got nothing left there." This was a great switch from Gemma's usual stance. "Once Jax finds out I helped you, we both know what he'll do."

We were all on the lam, us along with an ex biker queen and a retired gangster. After Gemma heard about my disappearance with the boys. Nero said she snapped out of what she was going through. Once Gemma came back in the room with another monkey for Abel, Nero was done telling me anything else about it.

I couldn't forget the two dogs either. George continued to growl while guarding the bathroom door. Sophia joined in, although, I doubted she had a clue as to why. Until I knocked on it and told her it was alright, Ellie wouldn't come out.

"You only got two choices, mama. Come with us and we will keep you safe. Or..."

Gemma interrupted him. She never was accused of having a charming personality. "You don't got any other choices. I know how Jackson thinks and what he will do to you."

"Thanks, I..."

"I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing for my grandsons." It wasn't a pretty picture Gemma painted. Yet, it was a true one.

SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~SOA~

"What about Tig?" Gemma just shook her head. It was the answer I expected and didn't want. Which, meant he was gone. He paid the price for the help he gave me.

She rolled down the window. "Where is your cellphone?"

"I tossed it back in Charming. So they couldn't track it. I got a burner phone."

"I guess you did learn something from me."

"I guess I did."

We kept the conversation to a minimal. I didn't like the idea of dividing us when we left the hotel. Ellie, Thomas, Sophia and I rode with Gemma in her car. Nero took Abel, Kenny and George in the old car I bought. I went along with it because really what other choices did I have?

"Where are we going?" I'd been down this road before. I knew where it led to.

"You'll be safe here."

All roads seemed to connect to him. Connect us in ways I'd never known possible. Connect to the circle being broken.

"Kyle." Abel and George went running to him.

"Hey, buddy." Kyle's hand ran over the top of Abel's head. He also gave George a quick pat before they went to play.

"What happens now?" Nero climbed in the passenger seat when I got out. They were dropping us off and leaving.

"Nero and I go back to Charming like everything is normal. After we get our stuff packed up, we move you and the kids to our house. Until we figure something else out." Gemma was back to the strong, at times uncontrollable woman, I've always known.

"You'll be safe here." Pops reassured me we were safe and welcomed. Yet, the baggage I carried would bring harm to them all eventually. Kyle got our stuff out of the car and this was home. At least for the night.

They were kind people. I still felt out of place. The kids seemed alright here. They had stayed here before with them. All but Abel. He went through his own living hell then. Technically, I was going through hell now and I brought them along with me.

Other Marine brothers came. To help watch over us. A couple of them went to Charming to keep an eye on what went down there. They wouldn't say so but, I knew they were watching Jax. To get a heads up if he came this way.

With all the fire power around here, I should have felt safe and secure. Yet, I didn't. With every hour that passed, the more anxiety attacked me.

The cup teetered on the saucer. So, I set it down, not to spill it. With the spoon in hand, it sounded like a hundred cups were being stirred. Finally, I put the spoon down too. Clasp my hands together and put them in my lap.

"Mommy, what's wrong? You look sad."

"I'm fine, baby."

"Come on kids. I'll start a movie for you." Kyle's aunt pushed the kids along into the living room.

"Tara." My body involuntary jerked when she said my name. "I didn't mean to startle you."

"Everything startles me these days."

"The kids notice something is wrong with you. They can feel it. You haven't slept much. Try to take a nap and maybe you will feel better. Don't worry about the kids, I'll watch them."

She was right. What affected me would soon effect them. In various ways I didn't want to think about it. Hell, I just wanted a break from thinking period. As I laid down, I reminded myself why it got to this point in my life and theirs.

It had been a couple of long days with only a few hours of restless sleep. Only I should have known peaceful rest wouldn't come my way. My dreams haunted me. While they taunted what the future would bring. I died in a fiery rampage. The sand surrounding me engulfed my burnt ashes. It replayed numerous times, until I could get myself completely awake. Completely out of the nightmare.

Since, it was better to be awake and alive. I got up to wash my face. The tears I wept, almost stung my skin. When I looked in the mirror, my eyes were just black hole of emptiness. "I'm a mess. Get yourself together. My children need me."

Just when you thought life couldn't possibly get much worse, it proved you wrong. "Jesus Christ." The news was on when I came in. It wasn't good either. "Is that the clubhouse?"

"What's left of it." Kyle grabbed the remote and with a click, the terrible news was gone.

An explosion had taken out most of the clubhouse and garage. A string of bodies where found executed outside of it. They couldn't identify some of them yet without an autopsy because they were burnt so badly.

If I had stayed, it could have been us who were executed or burned to death. If I had stayed, my children would have never stood a chance. If I had stayed, there would be no tomorrow.

"What about Jax. Did he...?"

"Jax wasn't there at the time. That much we know. We just don't know where he is now."

"We got to get out of here." In a panic, I started to gather up the kids stuff. It was time to run and run fast.

"Girl, where are you going? You had to of known it would come down to this. When you left and took his kids."

Of course, I knew it would. Part of me prayed, Jax would have enough compassion for his sons to do the right thing. Just let us go.

"Mommy, are you sad?" I hadn't noticed Abel came in.

Through the tears, the fear and my love for them. "I'm fine, baby."

His little hands worked quickly to find the makeup bag in my purse. He handed me a tube of lipstick. "Here, I will make you happy again. Lets play the kissing game."

Kiss him I did. I didn't need lipstick to give tons of kisses to my baby. I clung to him with every ounce of my being. "Mommy, I can't breathe." I let go, although, I'd never totally let go of my baby.

"Why don't we go back outside?" Ellie took them back out to play some more. They had witnessed enough of my little break down.

"What?" The look on Kyle's face was a new experience.

"It's what makes everything worth it."

Before I could ask what he meant. Pops wanted him to come outside. It only worried me more, someone had finally made an appearance.

Out the window I watched the kids play happily. The dogs chase after them. The Marines huddle together as they had their discussion. I watched life march on for us.

"We are moving you and the kids." Kyle broke the news without an explanation as to why. In my mind, it only had really one explanation.

"Did they find Jax yet?"

"No, girl. We still don't know where he is."

For three days we were shuffled from place to place. On no specific time schedule to move to the next. No one would come out and say it was because Jax would find me, but it was.

Thomas' house was empty. A sad empty home that once was filled with so much love. It was the latest place to hide us out at. While the other Marines searched for Jax. Pops and Kyle stayed with us.

"There is no food here. We need to go shopping." Kyle's aunt spoke those words, it was the same sad movie played at a later date. Gemma said the same when we were at Kyle's house after we killed Collette.

"Can we go?"

"You need to stay here, baby." The kids were exhausted. They didn't understand was transpiring. Why we had to stay on the move and out of sight. But, I knew.

"Tara, maybe they should go. They are restless and know something is wrong. Pops and I will keep them safe."

"Nobody will get near them. You have my word." It wasn't that I didn't trust Pops and Kyle's aunt. I just worried about them.

"Please, Mommy." I could be a hard ass on a lot of things. When Abel gave me those big baby blue eyes that begged. I was a push over.

"Alright you can go. Behave and mind."

Silence was hard to adjust to. We had always spoke our mind, lent the other a comforting shoulder and talked about everything. Like best friends do. Only, Kyle had went mute. They had been gone an hour and not one single word from him.

He stood outside by the line of trees at the fence. I joined him and still not a word. So, I tried to start the conversation. "Did they find Jax? Juice warned me, you don't think Jax had something to do with it, do you?"

"No, they haven't found him. Jax didn't do that to his own guys. He maybe a little on the crazy side but he isn't insane."

"Kyle." With the sound of his name. Jax's whereabouts were no longer a mystery. He was here to deliver my punishment. I knew, it was about over for me.

Kyle was quick on the draw. While Jax didn't even try to. "It doesn't have to end like this. Just walk away, Jax."

"We both know it does have to end and I'll never walk away." Jax inched closer to us. It was his strong point, face fear and never backed down. I'd witnessed it many times, only this time, it worked against me. "Tara always had a thing for the wounded. I'm not really surprised she took to you. You couldn't keep a hold of your own family, so you took mine. You should've listened when I told you to leave my family alone." He got about half the way, before he stopped. His eyes floated from Kyle to me. "I love you. But, I can't let you leave with my sons or Op's kids either. There is nowhere you can hide from me."

"Go in the house, Tara." I heard Kyle, I still just stood there. With a little shove I started on my way. I looked over my shoulder with each step I took. Behind the screen door, I continued to watch what transpired between them.

"It's time to settle this shit. You're weak Kyle, you always have been." Jax was only a couple of feet from Kyle now. "Do it." His scream was almost a plea from Jax for Kyle to pull the trigger.

As Kyle didn't make a move, Jax smirked. "You really are weak. I win either way. If you kill me, the club will hunt you down, slit your fucking throat while they make Tara watch. Either way, you're dead." Jax threw his gun to the ground. Followed by his knife. Waited out Kyle's next move.

"I'm strong enough to kill you, Jax." Kyle mimicked him. Tossed his gun to the ground. They would settle it the outlaw way. A fight to death.

It was brutal and bloody between. On the inside and what they done to each other. Jax broke off the antenna of the truck. He beat Kyle with it then stuck it deep in his arm.

For Kyle to pull it out like he felt no pain. He wrapped it around Jax's neck and left no gap while Kyle chocked him with it.

George was going crazy. The snarls worsened as the loud growls became prominent. She clawed a hole in the screen door. I tried to stop her from going out there. I wasn't sure she would survive it. It was too late, she made her way out.

Sophia done the same. Only they went in a different direction than Kyle and Jax were. In the moment I realized that our traumas never really go away. They lived inside of us, in the deepest darkest pits of our own tiny hell. Cocked and loaded, waiting for someone to come along and pull the trigger. It was going on before me, now.

So rapidly, the sky seemed to split, it chose a side. The white puffy clouds couldn't hold on any longer, couldn't outshine it. They were swept silently away. From the porch it was infinite shades of gray we were in the middle of. The same ghostly color flickered around through the air. It was a final curtain of gauzy gray that took completely over.

The wind rushed in anger across the field. Swirled the grass in different directions, it was followed by a faint violet pallet across the horizon. Veiled in a haze. Lightening struck hard as it lit up the quickly darken sky, black as ink. Jagged spears came down in patterns that were staged around us.

It plunged us in to a blanket of darkness we hadn't known yet. We became prisoners to the storm. When the crows commanded, the captive must obey. Kyle and Jax didn't pause from their fight or even notice. But, I knew.

With the crows in route, on their way to us. They flew on wings of change coming. I looked up to witness it. Only this time, I was awake. It wasn't a dream. When the wind shifted, so did the temperature. Chest crushing heat went to a cold chill, it made my spine tingle. The fog rose up from the ground until it made the green disappear around my feet.

The course the crows took, one after another landed to lead the way. A formation of the hundred was built as far as you could see across the field. It was a maddening chorus of squawking from them. They were mediating the soul.

It approached through the path of crows with a trail of fading light behind it. Bathed in ritual smoke of hell. It proved even outlaws and demons could be saturated in hope and prayers as the angels were.

"Enough." It was a roar of a lion. His command made the ground quack. You could feel it down to your inner core.

The biggest disbeliever was Jax. "JT?"

However, I was a true believer. I knew why John Teller returned, to right his wrongs. He started with his sons. His spirit might not elaborate on the purgatory he spent his life in. Or the tribulations he couldn't conquer with the sadness and gloom while his heart broke. But, I bet he could help guide them to the righteousness of the light. He was their bridge to the past. Today was a map of the presences.

My children were the salvation to our future.

I hope you enjoyed reading me!

The rest of the chapters will be posted at once to finish it. In a week or so after, I will post the story key for it too. I want to your hear your opinions on a lot of things from it. The good and what you don't agree with as well. The only way to see things differently is to see it through someone's eyes.

Thank you for staying with the story. You have made it fun for me to write!