I haven't talked to Dan in weeks.
He was busy doing collabs, filming with Phil, prepping up for the tour and I, on the other hand, is still the same old me.
The past couple of days has been crippling. Ever since I was young, I've had the tendency to overanalyse things. I think about life's circumstances in a way that doesn't even cross other people's minds. Dan once said that we were alike that way and that's why we understood each other so much.
However, sometimes, both of us being like that could be toxic.
Back when we were seventeen, we go from one conversation to another that revolves around cynicism and... well... that's the reason for the existential crisis tbh. Maybe that's why when I saw how he was with Phil, it also made me decide to leave them alone. Both of them balanced each other out. Meanwhile, I somehow tolerate the darkness that usually cloud Dan's mind.
Coming back into his life, I know that he was better now. He was happy and his thoughts were much less anxious than before. And I find myself questioning whether or not am I healthy for him.
I still wallow in my own troubles and I'm still in that path where my life is nowhere near happiness as compared to Dan. Again, the feelings of dragging him down was just as familiar as the day I walked out on him six years ago.
It's crazy. I mean having Dan in my life should feel amazing, right? That's the logical thing to feel. But I felt like loving him was my only tether to happiness.
To other people, that may seem enough. That may seem romantic even. But I felt like it's selfish to be like this.
Dramatic? Yes. But also my truth.
Dan loves me and that means he'll stand by me no matter what. Phil is also a remarkable friend, who also sheds his light in my somewhat twisted outlook on life. But how about me? What am I doing to save myself?