Disclaimer: I am NOT Stephenie Meyer and I don't own any of the Twilight series' characters or stories. I borrowed the dialogue and storyline from Eclipse, but the rest is my own take on the story, as seen through Edward's eyes.
Chapter 36
Healing
Bella tossed fitfully in her restless sleep. After hours of despair, enduring a thousand heartbreaks, the tears finally ceased and her body gave over to exhaustion. She had, quite literally, cried herself to sleep.
I continued to cradle her in my arms, humming intermittently as I struggled to keep her nightmares at bay. She murmured in her sleep, vacillating between apologies and professions of love – both to Jacob and to myself. I cringed at every mention of his name, but endured as best I could, understanding that I had been the catalyst for the deepening of their relationship. Once again, the suffering of others rested squarely on my shoulders.
I pressed my lips to her forehead, letting them linger as the heat from her skin warmed my own. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, breathing a heavy sigh. Bella tossed again, reaching out for me in her slumber. Her tiny fingers found my hand and gripped it tightly. I stroked her hand gently with my thumb, sending up a silent prayer that the worst was over. Even in her sleep, she was deeply troubled, but I found small consolation in the fact that she was finally getting the rest she so desperately needed.
I shuddered to think of what the morning would bring. Would the night of tears be enough to convince her that she had made the wrong choice? Would she mend her own broken heart by shattering mine? The anticipation was slowly eating away at me as the seconds ticked by, but I dared not wake her. If this was to be my last night with her, I wanted to prolong her time in my arms as long as humanly possible.
My hand gently caressed the curve of her face, stroking her saltwater stained cheeks. The tips of my fingers tingled as the hum of electricity flowed between us. I absently wondered if she shared a similar physical connection with Jacob as she did with me. Did he make her skin tingle? Did he make her heart sing?
Her brow furrowed and she whimpered softly, burying her head in my chest. I cradled her to me, pressing a light kiss to her crown. In that moment, holding Bella in my arms, I made a vow to her and to myself that I would never be the cause of her tears. To see her in such despair tore at my heart and I couldn't bear it if I were the reason. She had cried for me once before, but never again. No matter what she chose, no matter what path she decided to take, I would support her. I wouldn't force her to choose. I couldn't do that to her. She had endured enough heartache as Jacob and I rivaled for her affection.
Would she choose him? I struggled to imagine what my life would be like if she did. How would I cope? How could I go on when my love was out of reach? My mind wandered to a musty attic crawlspace, a nondescript place of suffering where I hid away so many months ago. Before that fateful phone call, it had been my tomb, my isolation away from the rest of the world, the only thing restraining me from going back to her. I imagined what it would be like to sequester myself in that place again, to enclose my mind in the illusion of separation. Would that be enough to keep me away from her? Would that be enough to hold me back, to prevent me from pleading with her to choose me, from begging her to reconsider? Would it be enough to maintain my sanity as I watched her in the arms of another?
My hand found hers and I traced the delicate skin of her ring ringer. Would my mother's ring return to its rightful place? Or would it maintain a permanent residence in my pocket – a constant reminder of what could have been?
The unavoidable doubts continued to fester and torment me until the morning's first light began to stretch across the small space. The sunlight danced across Bella's face, casting her in a warm glow.
She deserves sunshine, I thought to myself. I could only offer her darkness if she became like me. She couldn't enjoy the sun as she does now. She would have to hide herself from others, banished to the shadows. She deserved more than that – more than I could offer her.
Her back arched as she stretched and slowly opened her eyes. She blinked several times before her gaze met mine. I was frozen, momentarily trapped in the molten chocolate of her eyes. I searched them for any indication of her thoughts. The eyes were said to be the windows of the soul, and because I could not read her thoughts, I could only hope that I could perceive some truth in them.
"Hey," she muttered, her voice ragged and gruff from the hours of weeping. She squeezed her eyes shut and brought her fist to her mouth. I watched the muscles in her throat flex as her chest filled with air and she proceeded to clear her throat. She winced, rubbing her hand along her throat, and looked at me once more.
"No, I'm fine," she insisted, pushing herself up into a sitting position. "That won't happen again."
I found myself staring at her, holding my breath as I waited for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I could see the resolution in her eyes and the thought of it terrified me. Either she had chosen to live without me and I would have to find my way alone in the world or she had chosen to be with me and I would have to come to terms with the fact that I could never give her what she truly deserved.
"I'm sorry you had to see that," she continued, shaking her head. "That wasn't fair to you."
Every cell in my body seemed to relax at her words. She had made her decision. But it still didn't feel right. How could it be? How could the right conclusion make her so miserable?
"Bella…" I sighed, grasping her face so that I could see into her eyes and be absolutely certain of her words. "…are you sure? Did you make the right choice? I've never seen you in so much pain – " I closed my eyes as I relived the last tortuous hours in my mind.
"Yes," she whispered, placing a finger on my lips to silence me.
"I don't know," I shook my head, struggling to come to grips with the reality that was being spread out before me. She was choosing me. She had chosen me. But what was she sacrificing for that choice? "If it hurts you so much, how can it possibly be the right thing for you?"
"Edward, I know who I can't live without."
"But…"
She shook her head, again placing a finger to my lips. "You don't understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me, if that's what's best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It's the only way I can live."
I searched her face, looking for any indication that she wasn't being completely honest with herself. Could it be? I had always harbored the belief that the intensity of my feelings for her was a product of my nature, but it appeared that she may be just as passionate for me as I am for her. I wanted so desperately to believe her, but I couldn't reconcile her words with what I had witnessed only hours ago.
She narrowed her eyes and huffed as she pointed over my shoulder. "Hand me that book, will you?"
I followed her gaze to her worn copy of Wuthering Heights lying beside the bed. What could she possible want with that? I tried to push my confusion aside as I retrieved the book and placed it in her waiting hands. "This again?" I asked.
"I just wanted to find this one part I remembered…to see how she said it…" She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth as she focused her attention on the book, flipping rapidly through the pages as she had done so many times before. I absently wondered if she knew the location of her favorite passages and if those pages corresponded to the deep creases in the book's binding. I made a mental note to study the book further, to discover her favorite excerpts.
Her eyes lit up as she found the passage she was looking for. Her finger lightly skimmed the page as she spoke. "Cathy's a monster, but there were a few things she got right," she explained before she began to read. "'If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn into a mighty stranger.'"
She closed the book, her hand still resting between the pages, and she looked up at me. "I know exactly what she means. And I know who I can't live without."
It felt as though my heart may start beating in my chest. She has described perfectly exactly how I felt about her – I remembered not long ago, I described to her how empty my world was when she was longer a part of it. She was my true match in this world, the mate to my lost soul, and she was just as incomplete without me as I was without her.
I took the book from her hands and tossed it behind me, taking her into my arms. She giggled as I pulled her to me, unable to hide the smile that spread across my face. "Heathcliff had his moments, too," I chuckled. "'I cannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!'"
"Yes," she whispered, nodding emphatically. "That's my point."
But she shouldn't have to sacrifice her friendship with Jacob to be with me. Could she be friends with him or would it be too painful for him – too painful for her? I shook my head. She was sacrificing too much – giving up one love for the sake of another. "Bella, I can't stand for you to be so miserable. Maybe…"
"No, Edward," she huffed, crossing her arms. "I've made a real mess of things, and I'm going to have to live with that. But I know what I want and what I need…and what I'm going to do now." She began edging herself off the bed, her hand clutching my fingers.
"What are we going to do now?"
A knowing smile crossed her lips. "We are going to see Alice."
-x-
The wind whistled past the open windows as we drove the familiar stretch of road to my home. The steady thrumming of Bella's heart set the pace as my fingers tapped anxiously against the side of the truck. She hadn't explained her sudden urgency to see Alice. She didn't need to. I could see the resolution in her eyes, the blind determination to convince me that she had made her choice. Could it be that everything I had dreamed of was finally coming to fruition?
The endless barrage of encouraging words spoken by my family bounced around in my mind. The day had finally come when I had to choose. Bella was giving herself to me, bestowing a precious gift like none other, and as much as it pained me, I needed to be willing to accept it without hesitation. I would not taint the purity of her love and generosity with any inkling of regret.
The house was abuzz with talk of our impending nuptials – no doubt word spread quickly the moment Bella had decided. I could hear the rapid clicking of Alice's heels on the front porch as her knees bounced nervously. She jumped to her feet the moment Bella's truck came into view.
"Thank you, Bella!" she squealed as she ran toward us.
"Hold it, Alice," Bella spoke in a stern voice, holding up her hand. "I've got a few limitations."
"I know, I know, I know," Alice rolled her eyes. "I only have until August thirteenth at the latest, you have veto power on the guest list, and if I go overboard on anything, you'll never speak to me again."
"Oh, okay," Bella said, slightly taken aback. "Well, yeah. You know the rules, then."
Did she forget who she's talking to? Alice smirked at me before turning back to Bella. "Don't worry, Bella, it will be perfect. Do you want to see your dress?"
Bella's mouth gaped slightly. Her breathing stopped before she managed to take several gulps of air in rapid succession. Her heart rate increased infinitesimally and I could see a blush creeping across her cheeks. I shot Alice a cautioning glare, but she returned my gaze, refusing to blink. Don't worry, Edward. She's made up her mind.
"Sure," Bella finally managed, sounding much more nonchalant than I had imagined she was capable of.
See. Alice smiled widely, reaching for Bella's hand.
Bella's hand moved toward Alice's, but stopped short. "Um, Alice," she hesitated. "When did you get me a dress?"
Alice rolled her eyes and pulled Bella into the house. She glanced nervously at me and I smiled, squeezing her hand reassuringly.
"These things take time," Alice justified as she began to climb the stairs. "I mean, I wasn't sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinct possibility…"
"When?" Bella insisted, planting her feet firmly on the steps, causing Alice to pause and look back at us.
Alice's eyes flitted to mine. Does she know how long you toted that ring around in your pocket? That you still carry it now? I shook my head minutely, silently pleading for Alice to keep the intense anticipation of my proposal a secret…for now. You're not supposed to see the dress before the wedding, you know.
Bella huffed, crossing her arms. Alice narrowed her eyes at me before blowing out a sharp breath. "Perrine Bryuere has a waiting list, you know," she said, waving her hand casually through the air. "Fabric masterpieces don't happen overnight. If I hadn't thought ahead, you'd be wearing something off the rack!"
"Per – who?" Bella spluttered.
Not this again! "He's not a major designer, Bella, so there's no need to throw a hissy fit. He's got promise, though, and he specializes in what I need."
"I'm not throwing a fit," Bella insisted.
I covered my mouth with the back of my hand, stifling a chuckle as Alice turned to face Bella again. She stared at her for a moment, scrutinizing her face, her emotions, unconvinced that Bella was truly as calm about all this as she seemed. "No, you're not," she finally allowed.
She continued to lead the way until we reached her bedroom. She held out her arm, ushering Bella in, but thrust out her palm, smacking me firmly on the chest as I stepped through the doorway. We talked about this. "You – out."
"Why?" Bella challenged, renewing her grip on my hand as she tried to pull me past Alice.
"Bella," Alice sighed in exasperation, "you know the rules. He's not supposed to see the dress till the day of." She threw her hands in the air dramatically, as though she couldn't fathom how Bella had overlooked such a common tradition.
Bella's cheeks flushed and her hand began to tremble. Was she losing her temper? I had not quite grown accustomed to this new Bella, one who was determined to assert herself, but it was most definitely something I welcomed. I was done making decisions for her and needed her to be strong enough to tell me if I did so without thinking.
Bella took a deep breath. "It doesn't matter to me. And you know he's already seen it in your head." She paused, glancing at me, and I shrugged – even I couldn't deny Alice. "But if that's how you want it..."
Bella released my hand and Alice smiled with smug satisfaction as she pushed me backward into the hallway. We won't be long, she thought, but my eyes were trained on Bella. I still couldn't fully accept that this was what Bella wanted. It was all moving along far too fast. Would she tell Alice how she really felt? Would she admit that this was too much already? Bella must have seen my hesitation because she gave me a small smile and a nod before Alice shut the door.
"All right, c'mon!" I heard Alice's trill carry through the dense wood of the door as I shoved my hands into my pockets and leaned against the opposite wall. I closed my eyes, listening to the litany of designer's names that Alice had begun reciting in her mind in an attempt to keep me from seeing the dress. She was careful to keep her eyes focused on Bella and not the garment itself.
I smiled to myself, still trying to come to grips with my rapidly altering reality. A small voice in the back of my mind still incessantly repeated its mantra. You're not worthy. But, much to my surprise and delight, the voice was growing fainter by the moment.
I turned my head to the side and opened my eyes as I felt Esme sidle up beside me and wrap her delicate arm around mine. She smiled warmly at me, her thoughts full of love and contentment. She was getting what she had dreamed of for so long as well. I'm happy for you, she thought as she leaned her head on my shoulder. Our family is complete.
She reached up on her toes to peck me softly on the cheek before patting my arm and continuing down the hall to find Carlisle.
"I wouldn't want my maid of honor to wear something off the rack," I heard Bella's voice carry through the wall, followed by Alice's shriek of surprise.
Shortly after, the door flung open and Alice disappeared in a blur down the hall as she called for Esme. Bella slowly emerged, smilingly, but seemingly dazed. "That was very, very nice of you," I said.
"She seems happy," she shrugged.
But was Bella happy? I reached out for her, caressing her features, searching her face for the answers that her mind kept locked away. Why was she suddenly agreeing to all of this? After all this time, after struggling against it for so long, why was she now just going along with whatever Alice dreamed up?
An uneasy feeling began settling in the pit of my stomach and I felt the sudden need to speak with Bella privately, to take her away from the reminders of recent promises and get back to us. I leaned into her. "Let's get out of here," I whispered in her ear. "Let's go to our meadow."
She gazed at me for a moment, realization dawning in her eyes. "I guess I don't have to hide out anymore, do I?"
"No," I smiled. "The danger is behind us."
I took her hand and we walked wordlessly through the back door of the house. I scooped her up in my arms, sliding her onto my back, and began to take long strides through the forest.
My pace slowed as the meadow came into view and I stopped, lowering Bella to her feet. I smiled, taking her hand, and led her into the sunlit meadow. We walked leisurely, hand in hand, through the knee deep wildflowers. I had to marvel at the ease we felt together, at the relief that had settled over us. My eyes scanned the trees, almost expecting to find Jasper sitting on a high branch, sending waves of calm toward us. I shook my head at the absurdity of the errant thought.
Bella walked ahead of me, towing me along, until we reached the center of the meadow. She lowered herself to the ground, laying down on the blanket of white and yellow, and patted the damp earth beside her, inviting me to sit. I eagerly obliged and stretched out beside her. She reached for my hand, clasping it in hers, and I was grateful for the continued contact.
I turned my head to the side, watching as the tiny rays of sunlight that peeked through the clouds danced across her face. She was serene as she stared at the canopy above. I began to daydream, imagining Bella dressed in white. From the smatterings of images I had gleaned from Alice's mind, I began to construct the vision of our wedding. It would be breathtaking, everything I had ever dreamed of, but what about Bella? I found it difficult to believe that her dreams had altered in such a short span of time. The guidelines she had set for Alice intrigued me.
"August thirteenth?" I asked.
"That gives me a month till my birthday. I didn't want to cut it too close."
Had she learned nothing about my love for her? Was the difference between our ages really that significant? I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. "Esme is three years older than Carlisle – technically. Did you know that?"
She shook her head, but kept her eyes trained on the sky.
"It hasn't made any difference to them."
She took a deep breath, turning to face me. "My age is not really that important. Edward, I'm ready. I've chosen my life – now I want to start living it."
I reached up to stroke her cheek, tucking a wayward strand of hair behind her ear. I studied her face – she appeared calm, but I had to wonder if the façade was forced for my benefit. I decided to dig deeper.
"The guest list veto?" I asked.
Her heart increased in tempo and her pupils began to dilate. "I don't care really, but I…I'm not sure if Alice would feel the need to invite…a few werewolves. I don't know if…Jake would feel like…like he should come. Like that's the right thing to do, or that I'd get my feelings hurt if he didn't. He shouldn't have to go through that."
The uneasy feeling in my midsection bubbled forth as I mulled over her words. She was entirely too compliant, almost detached. This wasn't what she wanted, I could see it. But why?
I reached over and pulled her on top of me. She gasped at the sudden motion and looked puzzled as she stared down at me. "Tell me why you're doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free reign?"
Her brow furrowed as she tugged her bottom lip between her teeth. She took several deep breaths. "Charlie said something last night. He has a feeling…a feeling that he's going to lose me soon."
She paused, gauging my reaction. I searched back through the memories of Charlie's thoughts and couldn't recall hearing this from him before, or any indication that he knew what we were. "I made a promise to him, to tell him before…" she trailed off, a tear forming in the corner of her eye.
"I understand," I soothed, knowing that with the life she was choosing, she would have to make certain sacrifices. The members of my family had not chosen this life for themselves and were forced to accept their circumstances, but none of us had to bear the burden that Bella was facing – to actively choose this life and willingly let go of everyone she loves, everyone she would leave behind.
"It wouldn't be fair to keep Charlie out of this," she continued. "And that means Renée and Phil. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe it will make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his proper goodbye. Even if he thinks it's much too early, I wouldn't want to cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle." I didn't miss the fact that she bristled at the thought.
"At least my mom and dad and friends will know the best part of my choice, the most I'm allowed to tell them. They'll know I chose you, and they'll know we're together. They'll know I'm happy, wherever I am. I think that's the best I can do for them."
I held her face in my hands, absorbing her words. She had given me every reason under the sun, all completely rational and logical reasons, but not once had she mentioned herself. For them. Not once in her explanation for accepting my proposal did she say that she was doing so because she wanted to be married, that she wanted a wedding. She was willing to be with me for eternity, to become something inhuman, yet it was I who was clinging to my human beliefs and traditions – beliefs she didn't share, but was sacrificing her happiness to be a part of.
"Deals off," I replied.
"What?" she gasped. "You're backing out? No!"
I shook my head. "I'm not backing out, Bella. I'll still keep my side of the bargain. But you're off the hook. Whatever you want, no strings attached."
"Why?" she narrowed her eyes.
"Bella, I see what you're doing," I sighed. "You're trying to make everyone else happy. And I don't care about anyone else's feelings. I only need you to be happy. Don't worry about breaking the news to Alice. I'll take care of it. I promise she won't make you feel guilty."
"But I –" she stammered, utterly flustered.
"No," I insisted. "We're doing this your way. Because my way doesn't work. I call you stubborn, but look at what I've done. I've clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what's best for you, though it's only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don't trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong. So, we're doing it your way, Bella. Tonight. Today. The sooner the better. I'll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you enough morphine, it wouldn't be so bad. It's worth a try."
My teeth clenched reflexively as my mind caught up with my ramblings. She had offered me so much, offered me herself, and I had blocked her at every turn. I had been the obstacle that kept us apart for so long. Not anymore. I wouldn't move forward with our present course unless I was absolutely certain that it was what she wanted for herself.
"Edward, no – "
I pressed my finger to her blazing lips. "Don't worry, Bella, love. I haven't forgotten the rest of your demands." Her lone demand had been at the forefront of my mind from the moment she expressed it, taunting me, challenging my control.
I ran my fingers through her hair as I pulled her face to mine, pressing my lips to hers. Her lips were soft and hesitant as I massaged them with my own. Feeling the need to make my intentions known, I pressed my lips more firmly to hers, parting them slightly, running one hand down her side. She shivered at the contact, but pulled me tighter to her. Her small hands gripped my arms as her lips met mine with equal force.
I shifted, rolling her beneath me, reveling in the delicious sensation of our bodies pressed together. I settled easily between her parted legs, our bodies fitting so perfectly together that I began to wonder why I had ever doubted our compatibility. It was as though she were designed specifically for me.
Her scent swirled around me and her scorching skin had begun to warm me through. For so long, I had fought my instincts, my natural inclination to claim her physically. I could feel the walls I had erected slowly begin to crumble as I pressed on, testing my resolve, testing hers. I trailed kisses across her jaw line and down her neck, one hand cradling her head and the other finding purchase on her slender hip.
"Stop, Edward," she gasped. "Wait."
I stilled immediately. "Why?"
"I don't want do to this now," she said, her tone unconvincing.
"Don't you?" I teased, returning my lips to hers, running the tip of my tongue along her bottom lip, eliciting another fit of shivers. A moment later, I felt her palms pressing on my chest, pushing me away from her.
I hovered over her, uncertain why she had pushed me away and fully overwhelmed by my need for her. She had wanted this, encouraged it – even pleaded at times. Had she changed her mind?
"Why?" I demanded, the word coming out more desperate than I had intended. "I love you. I want you. Right now."
She hesitated and I took her silence as invitation, pressing my lips to hers, but she quickly rebuffed me once again.
"Wait, wait," she murmured.
"Not for me," I demanded against her lips.
"Please?"
That one word was my undoing – and she knew its power too well. I was utterly defenseless when she pleaded with me. I pushed away and rolled over to lie beside her on the grass.
I ran my fingers through my hair, slightly unnerved by the feelings of frustration and disappointment that filled me. I had come quite accustomed to denying my urges, but coming so close to fulfilling them, only to be rejected…I blew out a sharp breath and closed my eyes, listening as Bella's breathing slowed.
I finally broke the silence. "Tell me why not, Bella. This had better not be about me."
"Edward, this is very important to me. I am going to do this right."
"Who's definition of right?"
"Mine."
I rolled onto my side, facing her, scrutinizing her expression. I found it difficult to imagine that her worldview could have changed so abruptly in such a short amount of time.
"How are you going to do this right?" I asked, the skepticism in my voice evident in my tone.
"Responsibly," she answered. "Everything in the right order. I will not leave Charlie and Renée without the best resolution I can give them. I won't deny Alice her fun, if I'm having a wedding anyway. And I will tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make me immortal. I'm following all the rules, Edward. Your soul is far, far too previous to me to take chances with. You're not going to budge me on this."
My soul? I was caught by surprise, hearing my own words, my own reasoning, recited back to me with such passion. I could see in her eyes that she was absolutely serious, that she believed every word she spoke.
But I was having entirely too much fun in my attempts to seduce her. Should I test her resolve further? "I'll bet I could," I teased.
"But you wouldn't," she countered. "Not knowing that this is what I really need."
Again, she knew me too well and was using it against me. "You don't fight fair," I pouted.
"Never said I did," she grinned.
I twirled a strand of her hair in my fingers and shrugged. "If you change your mind…"
"You'll be the first to know," she pressed a kiss to the tip of my nose.
The air quivered with the rumbling that approached in the distance. Droplets of water began to fall from the heavens and Bella looked up at the sky, frowning.
"I'll get you home," I assured her, wiping a trickle of rain from her cheek.
"Rain's not the problem. It just means that it's time to go do something that will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous." She stood, wiping the grass from her jeans.
I gaped up at her, unaware that there was any new danger.
"It's a good thing you're bulletproof," she sighed. "I'm going to need that ring. It's time to tell Charlie."
I laughed at the sarcasm in her tone and the imagery that her words conjured in my mind. "Highly dangerous," I agreed, nodding my head.
I stood, reaching into my pocket. "But at least there's no need for a side trip." I pulled my mother's ring from its temporary home and reached for Bella's hand. I slid the ring on her finger, effectively transferring the ring to its now permanent residence. I smiled widely at the sight and lifted Bella's hand to my lips, pressing a kiss on each finger before finally resting my lips on her ring.
A/N: We're almost done! I'm excited and sad to see this story coming to an end…maybe one more chapter and an epilogue. We'll see.
Thanks to everyone for your amazing support and continued patience as life seems to keep getting in the way of my writing. Thanks to my beta, NellyBear85, who is already thinking way ahead to Breaking Dawn. And special thanks to misticbutterfly for helping get me out of my funk this past week.
Thanks to everyone who submitted title suggestions. A few ideas have stood out in my mind – Beyond Destiny, Beyond Dusk, Blazing Destiny, Burning Desire, Breathless Desire, Dark Beginning, Destiny Beginning – what do you think?