This Army Life
by Nicolle

Note 1: If you want to know what's been happening to keep me from updating in almost a year, check out my profile. Otherwise, I apologize for the long wait. Enjoy!
Note 1 and a half: I wrote a quick one shot involving Cloud and Vincent and a whole lot of elderly people on social security check day. It's called Double Coupon Day. It's up!
Note 2: OOC-ness ahead!
Note 3: Giles offered to bake a pie for every reader who demanded one. It will, however, be a marlboro pie. Eat at your own risk.

Episode Thirty-Seven: Ball's The Word (Not that kind! Get your head out of the gutter!)

"Message, Sir!"

Sephiroth didn't look up from the desk. "I don't want it, Giles."

"But it looks like an invitation!"

"Which is the reason I don't want it."

Zack sat up. "Why? What would be wrong with this invitation?"

"Because its just about the right time for the invitations to the annual Shinra Employees' Ball and if I avoid the invitation I can pretend that its not happening."

Zack scratched his head. "But it will be happening."

"Then it can happen to somebody else."

"Is this because Shinra tries to make you wear a dress every year?"

Giles came in the tent with a huge white box. "A package came too, Sir!"

Sephiroth put his head in his hands. "I'm going to kill him."

Seeking a Woman's Advice

Sephiroth paced inside the Wutai priestess's tent. Meda watched him go back and forth. "What's eating you?"

"I'm trying to come up with a way to dodge the annual ball."

"Did the old man send you the dress yet?"

Sephiroth sat down. "It came with the invitation."

"Then you aren't dodging this one." She thought for a moment. "I have an idea! Why don't you give Shinra a reason to never invite you again?"

"That has potential..."

"Take a date whose totally inappropriate for it, go crazy and massacre a few people, bob for fish in the aquarium..."

"Will you go with me?"

"Go with you? Into Shinra HQ? Not a chance."

"You mentioned an inappropriate date."

"Yes, and as much as I think Tseng is cute, I don't really want that good a look at any Turk."

Sephiroth eyed her suspiciously. "Are you saying he's cuter than me?"

The priestess hummed and looked away.

The General huffed. "Great. Just great. I have to find a way to get out of this mess and my woman thinks someone else looks better than me." Storming out of the tent, he ignored the Wutai soldiers' cry of 'Death to Sephiroth.' In the woods he saw something move in out of the corner of his eye and suddenly, he had a wonderful, awful idea.

Zack Plus Tux Equals You Don't Want to Know

Zack stared, wide eyed, in the mirror. Aeris looked him over.

"You look good in a tux."

'I feel like somebody's strangling me."

"Oh come on! It's not any tighter than your formal uniform."

"And I feel like somebody is strangling me when I wear that too."

Aeris sighed. "That somebody is probably Seph."

Zack raised an eyebrow, which looked funny rather than elegant with his eyebrows all ascew.

Aeris laughed and ran to the door when the bell rang. She opened it to The General with someone slung over his shoulder and The Smile(TM) curling his lips.
Aeris folded her arms over her chest. "What have you done?"

"Nothing yet." He set down what might have been something vaguely female. "I need you to help me clean this up."

The Ball!

Scarlet, in a blood red dress, stalked the banquet hall, looking for Rufus. She grabbed a hold of Zack and dragged him by the collar into a corner. "Where is he?"

"Rufus? Back at the front."

"Why isn't he here?"

"Shinra the Elder didn't send his son an invitation. We all know he's trying to kill his son. Now, will you let go of me?" Zack extricated himself from Scarlet's

fingers. "Aeris is being mobbed."

"Why?" Scarlet looked over at an Aeris wearing the infamous leather dress. Tseng was trying in vain to fend off the rest of the Turks and a few morons who didn't know better. "Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I'm going to kick Heidigger down the stairs."

"Whatever rocks your boat, babe." Zack got to Aeris just as Sephiroth walked in the room with a gorgeous, if older, woman in white on his arm. Zack looked at Aeris. "Who is that?"

"The woman Sephiroth brought over to the house earlier."

"That was a woman?"

Aeris elbowed Zack as The General came over.

"Seph! Who is the lovely creature on your arm?"

"This? Giles' mother."

Zack blinked "What?"

"Meda wouldn't go so I got her instead."

"But she looks normal..."

"Aeris and I had to scrub twenty years worth of make up off of her, and that's what we found underneath."

"Damn..."

Aeris elbowed him. Again.

"I mean, you look very nice, ma'am."

Gile's mom paid no attention. She only had eyes for her one, true beloved. Zack waved his hand in front of her eyes. She didn't move. She didn't even so much as blink. Sephiroth snapped his fingers and she jumped, startled.

"Why don't you get us some punch?"

She smiled like a love sick puppy. "Of course, my love!"

Sephiroth's lips curled into The Smile(TM) as she skipped away. "And this is were the fun starts."

Zack looked at Aeris. "What have you done?"

Aeris smiled, all teeth and really big. She looked at The General. "Did you bring the popcorn?"

Sephiroth pulled a couple chairs over for them to lounge in. He handed Aeris a big plastic bag of buttery goodness. "Oh yeah."

You Know This Will Go Badly, Right...?

The elegant, if older, woman stepped up to the punch bowl and waited for the caterer to hand her a drink, the man, who was also Giles, stared open mouthed.

"Uh... Uh..."

"The punch, dear. Two please."

"Y... Yes, Miss!" He handed her two glasses, shaking almost uncontrollably.

"Miss?" She set the glasses down. "Giles, are you all right?"

"You... you know my name? Will you have a dance with me and maybe go out for a drink later?"

"I'll certainly dance with you, but drinks are right out."

"Score!"

She blinked, confused. "What?"

Giles took her hand. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met! Will you marry me!"

No longer confused, the response was angry. "What?"

"I can't afford a ring right now but, I know my mother would love you!"

"I am your mother. Ancients, child! I swear that your father's side of the family was filled with nothing but dimwits."

Aeris, back in her chair popped a piece of popcorn in her mouth. "I told you that Giles was a moron on his father's side."

Sephiroth shrugged. "I suppose I need to take back all the 'your mom' jokes. Who would have known, huh?"

Aeris battled at his arm, which caused a stir amoung the Turks trying to get better looks at her, uh, dress. "Think of it this way, she was stalking you."

"Good point."

A bunch of the Turks went down as Giles went flying into them.

"That's no way to treat a lady!" Kakashi screamed. He vaulted over the table, spilling punch in a red turrent across the floor. Giles' mom skipped backwards to avoid the spill and fell into Heidigger's arms. He got an elbow in the face after he copped a feel. She staggered to her feet just in time to have the shinobi grab her about the waist and wade her white shoes into the red punch. He spun her around, pretending to know how to dance, splashing red on her dress.

He looked over his shoulder at Giles. "This is how you treat a fine woman." He bent Giles' mom backwards and kissed her. When he pulled back, he slapped her on the butt. The whole room went dead silent, but for the sound of popcorn munching. "Hey babe, why don't we ditch this joint so I can get a piece of your..."
Kakashi didn't get the next word out. He was sent flying, into Hojo, and both went tumbling out of the window. She huffed, squared her shoulders, and turned to look at the other men in the room. Everyone looked away but for a certain red headed turk.

Rude tapped Reno on the shoulder.

Reno waved him off. "I'm horny, Rude, not stupid."

Giles' Mother stomped back over to the popcorn eating bunch. "I'm sorry, Aeris. Your beautiful dress is ruined."

Aeris waved her hands. "It's not a problem, dear. That's what bleach is for."

"It appears that we will not be having punch unless Zachary wants a straw," she said and sat down on the edge of Sephiroth's lounge chair.

Zack sat up. "Woah. woah. Wait! Since when did Giles' Mom become sarcastic and funny? Where's the obsession? Where's the 'your mom' jokes?"

"I don't know. Where's the violence? Where's the blood spray? I'm equally disadvantaged here."

"Sephiroth. Are you going to introduce this lovely woman to me or not?"

Everyone slowly turned and looked at Shinra the Elder. Giles' Mom suddenly blushed bright pink and hid a smile under her hair.

"Uh... President Shinra, this is..."

"Matilda Myers." She held out her hand and giggled a little when the President kissed it.

"May I have this dance?"

"Of course."

Shinra the Elder guided her out to the dance floor, leaving the entire room dead silent.

"Did my stalker just ditch me?"

Zack stared, wide eyed. "I think so..."

"Why not? Your girlfriend thinks Tseng is better looking than you."

Tseng looked over. "Meda? The wutai priestess? Score!"

Back to Camp

Zack grabbed a hold of Sephiroth's arm. "Listen Seph! It's okay. Just let it go. So your stalker ditched you for Shinra, it could be worse."

"Nothing, right now, could be worse." He stormed off toward Rufus' tent. "In the name of the Promised land, I am geting some enjoyment out of this day!" Sephiroth shoved the flaps of Rufus' tent open.

"Seph! Wait!"

"Rufus? I have great news for you! You have a new mom!" And that's whhen Sephiroth began to see something other than red. All the women in the camp were scantily clad and chained to Rufus' chair. Shinra the Younger looked up from his magazine and shrugged.

Sephiroth's mouth hung open as visions of his death at the hands of hundreds of angry parents, boyfriends, husbands, brothers, miscellaineous family members, and women's rights groups filled his head. Zack patted him on the shoulder.

"He's mad with power, man. Mad with power."