Uncomfortable, You?
"Every day, I have a most embarrassing moment."
Steven Hill
"If the director says you can do better,particularly in a love scene,
then it is rather embarrassing."
Julie Andrews
We are all parts of a whole.
There are a million ways to divide us. From the color of our skin to where we were from, to what we look like. At one time or another all of them have been used to separate, divide and hate.
What isn't spoken about as often, is what we all have in common. From the lowliest member of society to the demi-gods in the stratosphere, there are certain things we all share. Ideas probably come to mind like, freedom, faith or hope, but those are constructs of a rational thought. What we truly all share is something much simpler. We've all have been in embarrassing awkward, uncomfortable situations.
True Life Tale: A young woman is spending the holidays with her fiancée's family for the first time. As expected she's nervous and wants to make a good impression. She's pleasant, helpful when she can be, basically does her best to put her best foot forward. Besides the fiancée's parents, his brother and new wife are there along with his sister, her husband and their two kids.
Christmas morning comes and the whole family gathers in the living room in front of the tree to exchange gifts. The young woman has spent the last month and a half buy tasteful but not too personal gifts for everyone. The two young children are assigned to deliver the presents from under the tree to the person whose name is on them. The young woman has four or five gifts sitting in front of her. As is the fiancée's family tradition, they go around the circle everyone opening one gift at a time.
The kids go first, naturally. They scream with joy as they open their first present to find the latest toy. The father is next and he opens his gift and it's a pair a really nice lambskin slippers. Mom goes next and it's a lovely robe. The brother gets a football jersey from his favorite team. His wife gets a darling tennis bracelet. The sister gets a lovely assortment of expensive bath salts, while her husband gets a nice sweater. The fiancée gets a box of golf balls and a nine iron from his parents and finally it's the young woman's turn. The parents say open that one, it's from us and we picked it out especially for you. The young woman smiles and says thank you as she starts to undo the ribbon. When she pulls back the paper she's not quite sure what to make of the gift.
It's a Bible.
The young woman smiles, but is a little confused. She's not religious, certainly not that religious and now that she thinks about it, neither are her fiancée's family. Questions start to run her through her head. What exactly did they mean when they said they picked it out especially for her? Who gives a Bible as a Christmas gift? Are they trying to say something about her? Do they think she needs religion? What the hell, a Bible?
She looks up at them, a smile awkwardly frozen on her face.
"Um, thanks."
True Life Tale: You are in the eight-grade chorus. It seems like an easy class, just sitting with a couple of friends and singing for 50 minutes a day. No tests, just singing, it's probably the easiest class you have. The teacher is fresh out of college and she wants to make the class hipper for her students, so none of those old, standard chorus songs. She has you singing popular hits. You really don't think much about it; one song is the same as the next really. So it goes like this for a few months.
A recital is announced. It will be the chorus and the band together. The night of it, you show up dressed for the occasion. Your parents and grandparents will be there in the crowd. You spend most of the time before it begins laughing and joking around with your friends, really not thinking of the recital. The young teacher comes in and says its time. You all march out to the risers and the crowd, which are all families and friends cheer and clap. The band comes in and the process is repeated. The band director is an older gentleman. He and the young music teacher welcome everyone and hope they enjoy the evening.
The band goes first. They play 'One O'clock Jump' by Benny Goodman. They get a nice round of applause. Now it's the chorus' turn. As you and the rest of the chorus sing the first verse of 'Born this Way' by Lady Gaga something occurs to you that hasn't before. While there probably is a way to sing this song in a choral style of four-part harmony, a bunch of eighth graders from the suburbs probably aren't the likeliest group to pull it off.
You receive polite applause.
The band goes again, performing "Mood Indigo" by Duke Ellington. When they finish they get a rousing round of applause. It's the chorus' turn. Beyonce's 'Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)' really wasn't intended to be sung acapella by a group of eighth graders. As the girls sing 'all the single ladies' and then the boys echo this, you glance up at your family in the bleachers. Grandpa and Grandma have looks on their faces that clearly indicate they are wondering, 'what the hell is this?'
You realize you still have another hour to go. Back and forth it goes, with the band doing classic big band numbers and the chorus doing increasingly uncomfortable hits. You try not to but you can't help it. You look up at your parents in the bleachers. They have smiles plastered on their faces and as they clap at the end of each song, but you can almost hear your mother whisper to your father, 'maybe we should have gotten that guitar as a gift for their last birthday.'
Finally, mercifully it ends. You're sitting in the back of the minivan on the way home, mortified by the whole night. Mom tries to be helpful, saying something like 'well that was certainly interesting' but it doesn't help. A long silence follows. As you stop at a light your dad finally says his first words of the whole trip.
"Who picked those songs?"
True Life Tale: You're at a funeral for your Aunt. She had a long, happy life, but it's still sad. You make it out to the cemetery and gather around the grave. You're standing next to your brother or sister as the preacher recites prayers and blessings. It's a very solemn occasion. You are all gathered tightly together under the little tent that has been erected for the burial. There is a pause from the preacher.
Someone farts.
It wasn't you, but everyone clearly heard it. The preacher pretends like it didn't happen and continues. Because you're standing shoulder to shoulder with your sister or brother you can feel their body shaking. You turn towards them and see they have their lips pressed tight, as you do when you're trying not to laugh. Tears are rolling down their cheeks. They glance at you and now you're having trouble holding in the laugh. You struggle, but as the moments pass it gets harder and harder. Finally a giggle slips out. Everyone, including the preacher, looks over at you. There is a disappointed look in all their eyes. How could you, they are almost saying.
You want to explain you couldn't help it, but it's a funeral. You stand there helpless and then the ceremony ends. As you walk back to the car, everyone gives you that look that says, 'what a jackass.'
So the next time you are just finishing your presentation in front of a group only to notice your fly has been open the whole time or you come back from the restroom and sit down across from your date only to realize you've been trailing three feet of toilet paper across the entire restaurant, trying and remember it happens to everyone. We're all part of an embarrassing, awkward, uncomfortable whole.
The Watchtower
Blue Beetle was quietly surfing the Internet. He was a link follower, so whatever he'd started out looking up was long since forgotten. Currently he was reading an article about how Mongolians use butter in their tea. The door to the room opened and Wonder Woman and Power Girl stepped inside. They both towered over him.
"Hey, ladies!' he cheerfully said. The expressions on their faces made his lower lips quiver just a bit as he tried to maintain a smile.
"We would like use of this room,' Diana informed him.
"Su-Sure help-help yourselves.'
"Get out." Karen clarified for him. Seven seconds later the door closed and the two women were alone. They both began to pace on opposite sides of the table. Their displeasure was very apparent. The words 'son of a bitch' and 'bastard' were muttered. It was Karen that finally broke the silence.
"Interesting news."
"Yes,' Diana replied. She quickly added, 'I'm of course happy for Zatanna.'
"Of course, me too,' Karen replied. "How about Clark?'
"Not so much,' Diana admitted.
"Yeah, me too,' Karen offered. "In fact, I would say I'm the opposite of happy when it comes to him."
"I'm in agreement with you on that,' Diana stated.
"You realize he cheated on both of us?'
"That had occurred to me,' Diana replied."We went on a date and he was sleeping with her!"
Diana paused for a moment, as if a new thought had come to her mind.
"Wait, perhaps that isn't the case."
Karen looked at Diana.
"Excuse me?'
"Well perhaps Kal only recently started having relations with Zatanna." Diana suggested. "She did say she only wanted someone to help her get pregnant.'
"Diana, do you remember when you punched me?' Karen asked.
"I told you that was an accident,' Diana immediately replied. "I don't think this is the time to rehash that, Karen!"
"An accident, right,' Karen said, rolling her eyes. "Look, that wasn't where I was going. Do you remember who Clark called to bail us all out?"
Diana thought about it for a moment.
"Zatanna?"
"Yes!" Karen emphatically said, slapping the table. A small crack appeared on its surface. "I think they were doing it even then! That means he went out with both of us while he was sleeping with her!"
"That's right!" Diana replied, bringing her fist down on the table at the very thought. The crack spread all the way across the table now.
"So he cheated on both of us." Karen bluntly said.
"Yes he did." Diana agreed.
"I don't know about you, but I don't like the idea of him cheating on me,' Karen stated.
'Well I don't either,' Diana offered.
"So what are we going to do about it?" Karen asked.
"Hit him!" Diana immediately offered.
"I like how you're thinking, but that doesn't seem like enough,' Karen replied. "He's invulnerable, remember?"
"Kryptonians, I'm really starting to hate them,' Diana growled in frustration.
"I'm a Kryptonian, Princess!"
"I didn't mean you,' Diana replied. "Well, not this time anyway."
"Thanks." Karen sarcastically said. She waved this off though. "I think for the time being we should suspend our little rivalry, Diana."
"Are you suggesting we join forces?"
"Yes."
"I agree,' Diana replied. "While I admit, you're not my favorite person, I'm much more angry at Kal right now."
"Well I'm not gong to be sending you any friendship cards, either, Diana, but you're right, let's focus on Clark."
"Kal."
"Huh?'
"His name is Kal,' Diana explained.
"It's Clark."
"Kal."
"Clark!"
"Kal!"
"Clark!"
Diana was just about to say Kal again and louder, when she stopped.
"Okay, we're getting off track here,' she said. "Let's focus on what we're going to do to Superman, agreed?"
Karen thought about this for a moment.
"Yeah, that sounds like a plan,' she admitted. 'Hitting him doesn't seem like enough, though."
"Yes, but it would be satisfying,' Diana replied. "We need a way to convey our displeasure at what he has done. Something more than just words so he'll absolutely know we're not happy."
They both started pacing again, trying to come up with a plan. Karen suddenly stopped and snapped her fingers.
"That little snot, Kara!"
"What?" Diana asked. "What does she have to do with this?"
"We'll do what she did to you! We'll snub him!" Karen explained.
"I don't know, snub him?" Diana said. "That doesn't seem like enough."
"Tell me, how did you feel when Kara did it to you?" Karen asked.
"I was hurt,' Diana admitted. "I've never been snubbed before. I didn't like it."
"Exactly!" Karen said with a smile.
"I suppose you're right it would convey our displeasure,' Diana admitted. "I'd still like to hit him though."
"Let's do both!" Karen suggested. "We'll take turns snubbing and hitting him, what do you think?"
"I like it,' Diana said with a smile. "He will certainly know we are not women whose affections he should take so lightly!"
'Absolutely!" Karen agreed, smacking her hand on the table. The poor piece of furniture hadn't been designed to take the brunt of two super powered, angry ladies abuse. It snapped and crumbled to the ground. Karen looked a little sheepish at breaking the table. She shrugged.
"I'm a little pissed at the moment."
Mary Marvel's Quarters
Each of us constructs our world to our own particular tastes. We have certain items that comfort us even on the most trying days. They are touchstones in our life, markers of things that never change. We get a sense of security and a deep feeling that the world has an order to it when we look at them.
Mary sat on her bed, her mouth open and her eyes wide in shock. The world as she was used to it had just crumbled before her eyes. The latest edition of the Barbie newsletter rested in her hands and what it said was sacrilege to her. There was a new Barbie coming out on the market. There was a picture of the new Barbie and Mary couldn't believe it. It was something out of a nightmare for Mary.
The Tokidoki Barbie was unlike any others. Barbie was wearing a shirt with a heart shaped skull and crossbones and silver shoes. If that wasn't horrible enough, she had pink hair. What pushed Mary over the edge though, was that the Tokidoki Barbie was covered in tattoos!
"Noooooo!" Mary screamed in horror. "Barbie would never do that!"
San Francisco
Zatanna was just straightening up her apartment when there was a knock at the door. She was dressed casually, a pair of jeans and a Sid Vicious tee shirt. Some Norah Jones played on the stereo. She went over and opened it to find Kara standing in front of her smiling. Kara was dressed in a jeans and a Supergirl logo tee shirt.
"Hey, Kara, um, what's up,' Zee said, surprised at seeing the younger hero. They had never been what you would call close. In fact they rarely spoke to each other for the most part. It wasn't that Zee didn't like Kara, she did, it was just they tended to run in different circles. Zee noticed the tee shirt and thought wow, not exactly keeping the secret identity thing, is she? How many tall, gorgeous, blondes look like that anyway?
"Can I come in, Zatanna?" Kara asked.
"What? Oh, right, yeah, sure, come on in."
Zee stepped back and let Kara inside. She closed the door, wondering what this was about.
"Um, nice shirt," Zee offered.
"Thanks,' Kara said. "I get 15% off all the sales so I thought I'd do some brand marketing while I was here. Eyeballs on your product are the name of the game, Zee. Lois taught me that."
"I thought you were grounded?" Zee said.
"I am,' Kara replied, a frown coming to her face. 'I was allowed a furlough from my sentence to come out and see you. You can't imagine what it's like out there in the middle of nowhere! The highlight of the week is the barn-raising going on in the next county. Can you believe it? It's horrible living in Hicksville."
"I thought it was called Smallville?"
"It is' Kara replied. She was unhappy and dropped down on Zee's couch. "Can you imagine what it's like not having a phone? In the middle of nowhere? It's worse than having a cassette player in your car!'
"Yeah, sounds tough,' Zee replied. "So why the furlough?"
Kara brightened at this. She got back up and walked over to Zatanna.
"Ma sent me to ask you to dinner."
"Dinner?'
"Yeah, she wants to get to know you, since you're going to be part of the family and all,' Kara explained. "She's old fashioned like that. So will you come?"
"Dinner?"
Zee wasn't sure she was ready for this part of it. She hadn't even realized there would be this part of it. Sure, meet the family and tell them the news, but that was as far as she thought. Kara was wandering around Zee's apartment looking at all the stuff on the shelves.
"Is Clark going to be there?'
"Sure."
"Would I have to get dressed up or what? I've never met the family before,' Zee admitted.
"Oh, don't worry about it, Zatanna, it's really casual out there,' Kara replied. She moved over the window and glanced out at the street below. "Just don't wear anything slutty, I mean, Ma Kent is old fashioned, okay?"
"I don't dress slutty,' Zee said in her defense.
"Oh, I don't think so either,' Kara offered. "It's just you know old people; fishnets and corsets make them think slutty. I like the way you dress, to be truthful. I wish I could be as bold as you."
"You know that's my stage outfit right?' Zee asked. "I mean Martha knows I don't go around like that all the time, doesn't she?"
"I don't know,' Kara said. She seemed more interested in the view than the conversation. "I'm sure she's seen pictures of you before. Although you are usually wearing your outfit in most of them."
"I can dress normal,' Zee immediately replied. "I'm dressed normal now! So does she really think I dress slutty? Really?"
"She didn't say slutty,' Kara offered. "Hey is that great donut place around here? I thought I'd stop by and pick some up while I'm out here?"
"Yeah, it's a couple of blocks from here. So what exactly did she say?"
Zee was suddenly nervous. It wasn't like she wanted Clark's mom to think of her like that. She already probably had a bad impression of me, Zee thought. I'm from the city and country people hate city slickers. Am I a city slicker? I'm not even sure I know what a city slicker is. Plus Martha didn't seem to pleased that we're not getting married. Oh God, she thinks I'm some kind of slutty tramp!
"Kara, Martha likes me, doesn't she?"
Kara had moved to another window and was checking out the scenery.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm sure she does. Wow, this is a cool apartment! I can see the Haight District from here! You know maybe I'll just take a little stroll around the city before I head back. Marketing, you know."
Kara started for the door. Zee was a little unsettled now.
"You're leaving?'
"Yeah, so what should I tell Ma? You're coming right?" Kara asked as she opened the door. "She'd be really disappointed if you don't.'
Great, Zee thought, I'm a slut and rude to Clark's mother. This is a nightmare.
"Yes, yes, please tell Mrs. Kent I'd be more than happy to come to dinner."
"Okay, see you, Zatanna." Kara replied and then left.
Zatanna began pacing, a worried look on her face. She ran her fingers through her hair trying to think what she should do. She needed help. Picking up the phone, she dialed a familiar number. On the third ring it was picked up.
"Hello?'
"Nimue, I need your help! Clark's mom thinks I'm a slut and now I'm having dinner with her!"
"Who is this?"
"NIMUE!"
"I was just kidding,' Madame Xanadu replied. "I'll be out in a little while. We'll figure out something so you don't look slutty to Clark's mom."
'Thanks Nimue."
"What are mothers for? See you soon."
The Watchtower
It was an informal meeting of the original seven plus the Chairwoman, Dinah. It was a sort of status update and just about over. Unlike the usual meeting this one was open to any member. Most had better things to do than sit in on it. One member had sat quietly during the whole thing, Mary Marvel. She had a clipboard on her lap as she waited for her chance to speak.
Clark was absently rubbing his shoulder. Since arriving on the station he'd been hit several times by both Karen and Diana. If that wasn't bad enough, they both snubbed him too. For the life of him, Clark didn't know why. Every time he tried to ask one of them, they either snubbed him or hit him. Sure he was pretty much invulnerable, but those two packed a punch. He did notice Bruce seemed to be enjoying it. He was almost smiling. Maybe after the meeting was over, Clark would ask Bruce what was going on. He always knew everything it seemed. He glanced over at Diana, but she wouldn't look at him. Her fists were clenched though and absently Clark rubbed his shoulder again.
Dinah was just finishing up the last report and frankly she wanted to end this meeting as soon as possible. She glanced over at Clark and thought about Ollie's suggestion. Maybe if she told Plastic Man she was in love with Superman, he'd take the hint for once and move on. Anything was better than being serenaded by him constantly. Sure Ollie had sarcastically suggested it, but screw him, he didn't have to deal with that lunatic! There was the matter of Zee though, Dinah thought. She'd been sleeping with Clark so normally Dinah wouldn't even consider it. Zee had said it was so she could get pregnant, though. He'd done his stud service for her, so did that mean they weren't anymore? Should probably ask first, better safe than sorry, Dinah mused. First, let's get this meeting over with.
"Well, if there isn't any new business, I guess that's the end,' she said. The members were about to get up; when they noticed Mary had her hand raised. "Ah, yes, Mary, is there something you want to say?"
Mary nodded and stood. She moved over to the main table and set her clipboard down.
"I'd like you all to sign my petition. I'm asking everyone, but since you all are the founding members, it's very important that you sign,' Mary explained.
"What's it for?" Wally asked.
"It's a letter of protest to the makers of Barbie. They have gone too far this time!"
"Barbie?"
Several members seemed confused. Diana sighed and rolled her eyes, knowing first hand how seriously Mary took the subject.
"Yes, Barbie,' Mary said forcefully. "They are introducing something called The Tokidoki Barbie and it's a blasphemy to all true Barbie fans! It's really beyond the pale!"
"Did she just used the phrase 'beyond the pale' and Barbie in the same sentence?' Shayera asked Wally.
"Yes, Miss Shayera,' Mary said. "It means they went too far. If you want I can explain blasphemy too. I've been using the thesaurus to increase my vocabulary. It really seems to be working. '
"No, no, I think got that one, Mary." Shayera replied.
"Isn't it just a doll?" Wally naively asked. The glare he received from Mary actually made him flinch.
"It's Barbie!"
"Got it! I'll sign!" Wally quickly said.
"Thank you." Mary picked up the clipboard and hurried over to Wally.
"Um, wait, what should I sign?" He asked. "I'm not putting my secret identity down. I mean come on, even I'm not that stupid."
There were two snorts of laughter from Shayera and Dinah.
"Hey!"
"Please, just put down the Flash," Mary explained. "I'm going to deliver this in person, so I want them to understand even the Justice League things this is a travesty!"
"You got it,' Wally said and then signed the petition.
"I don't have time for this foolishness,' Bruce grumbled and then got up and headed for the door. Before he reached it, Mary was standing in front of him with her clipboard.
"Will you sign, Mr. Batman?'
"No.'
Bruce took a step to the side to get around her, but Mary stepped over too, blocking his way.
"Please?"
"Sorry, Mary. Why don't you ask Superman, that's more his kind of thing."
Clark had been rotating his stiff shoulder and hadn't been paying attention. At the mention of his name he looked up.
"What? I'm sorry, I must have missed that."
"I want you to sign my petition, Mr. Superman,' Mary explained. Even as she did, she managed to cut off Batman from leaving the room.
"Petition? What?" Clark said, lost as to all of this. Boy, my shoulder is killing me, he thought.
"Barbie, Clark,' Dinah explained. "By the way, can I talk to you after the meeting?"
Clark suddenly went pale as he remembered the last time they'd talked.
"Talk? Really? You're not going to ask me any questions are you, Dinah?"
"Maybe just a couple,' she replied.
"It's a trap, Big Blue,' Wally whispered. "Ixnay on the Alking-tay!"
Clark looked at Wally in confusion. Shayera leaned over to Wally.
"Pig Latin? Really?"
At the door, Batman had tried several times to leave, but Mary kept blocking his way.
"Mary, move."
He gave her his best glare. The one that usually sent junior members fleeing in terror, but she didn't move.
"Please sign my petition, Mr. Batman."
"Look, I'm sure this is very important to you, Mary, but it is really not something I do,' he explained.
"Why's that, Bruce?" Wally asked.
"Cause I'm Batman, God damn it!" He grumbled in reply.
"But this is a special case!" Mary pleaded. "Doesn't Batman stand for wholesomeness, just like Barbie?"
Wally and Shayera both laughed, but stopped the moment Bruce turned his gaze on them.
"Mary, um, wholesomeness, it really isn't what I'm going for as Batman,' Bruce explained. "Villains really aren't as frightened of wholesomeness as you'd think."
"I'll sign it, Mary,' Diana spoke up for the first time. Mary turned and beamed at Diana. Bruce saw his chance and rushed out of the room. Mary turned and started running after him.
A chuckle went through the room as the others got up and headed towards the exit. At the door, Dinah stopped Clark.
"So can we talk, Clark?" She asked.
Before he could answer, Diana punched him hard on the shoulder and then walked out without a word.
"Damn that hurts!" Clark groaned.
"You know I think she snubbed you too, Big Blue,' Wally offered.
"Yeah, definitely a snub," Shayera said in agreement.
"Boy, things change in a hurry, don't they?' Wally said. "Suddenly this is snub central. Amazingly, I'm not the one being snubbed either!"
"Give it some time,' Shayera replied.
"So what do you say, Clark?" Dinah asked again. He winced and rubbed his shoulder.
"Um, could we do it a little later, Dinah, please?'
"I guess."
"Thanks."
San Francisco
Madame Xanadu barely knocked before the door opened. Zee immediately hugged her.
"Oh, thank you for coming!"
"A little panicked are we?"
"Maybe just a bit,' Zee admitted as she pulled Nimue inside and closed the door. Madame Xanadu was carrying two plastic bags with her. She smiled at Zee and then moved towards the kitchen. Zee was right on her heels.
"I brought some dinner,' Nimue said over her shoulder.
"I'm too freaked to eat, Nimue,' Zee replied. "I mean Kara made it seem like Mrs. Kent thinks I'm some sort of slut or something!'
"Well you did sleep with her son, get pregnant and aren't marrying him,' Nimue offered.
"You know that's really not helping, Nimue,' Zee said in exasperation. "You're supposed to be on my side, remember?"
"I am, but I'm hungry too,' Nimue replied. "Let's eat."
"I can't eat! I've been going through all my stuff trying to find something schoolmarm-ish to wear and I've got nothing like that!"
"Why schoolmarm?"
"Well, you know, country folks,' Zee suggested. "I mean I don't own anything made of gingham. What am I going to do?"
"Eat."
Madame Xanadu began to pull out boxes from the two bags.
"I can't eat, aren't you listening, Nimue?"
"It's from A.G. Ferrari Foods in the Castro. It's a Panini, made with sun dried tomato pesto on turkey with swiss cheese on Rosemary Foccacia bread."
Madame Xanadu opened the lid on the Styrofoam box to show Zatanna the sandwich. Zee felt her mouth water at just the sight of it.
"Well, maybe I could have a bite, you know, just to calm my nerves,' Zee replied.
The Watchtower
Clark stepped out from the cafeteria holding his shoulder and groaning. A moment later Diana and Karen walked out, ignoring him and heading down the hallway.
"Could you at least tell me why?" He groaned. They didn't turn and kept going. Shaking his head and holding his shoulder, Clark headed in the opposite direction. His shoulder was definitely going to have a large bruise on it by the end of the day, he thought. As he rounded the corner towards the hangar bay, a voice came from the shadows.
"Is she gone?"
Clark stopped and looked into the shadows.
"Bruce?"
"Yes."
"Is who gone?"
"Mary Marvel, she's been following me ever since the meeting,' Bruce grumbled. "The kid can't take no for an answer.'
"Why don't you just sign the petition and be done with it?" Clark asked.
Bruce just glared at him.
"Oh, right, Batman doesn't sign Barbie petitions, I forgot,' Clark said.
"Damn right."