Chapter Thirty-Five: Nomad

Somewhere across Charming, the Sons of Anarchy were no doubt fighting over, voting on and dealing with Luann's death and the future of Cara Cara given the trouble it was starting to attract. Back at the apartment, though, I was watching the second hand religiously as it ticked round on my watch, waiting.

I'd thought first about calling Gemma, but I didn't think I could take her right then. She'd either be excited or she'd slap me upside the head- neither was an inviting prospect for me right then. The second person who'd crossed my mind was Tara- being a doctor, she might be a comforting presence if the worst case scenario was confirmed. But then I wasn't sure we were close enough yet- and even then, she was too close to Jax, who would absolutely lose his shit if she let anything slip. So, I sat on my own, waiting for three minutes to pass- the longest three minutes of my life.

In the first minute, I thought of Tig and how far we'd come. I remembered feeling intimidated the first time I'd met him, the way he'd leaned down to peer at me in the TM parking lot the night I'd first arrived in Charming. I'd spent the next two years shy in front of him, hardly able to speak, always afraid of but excited by the big, dark haired biker whose beautifully blue eyes negated the tough demeanour dramatically, and whose soft voice opposed the bowie knife that hung down his thigh. Eventually I'd matured a bit, had figured out how to get on with things, gotten to be a part of the SAMCRO family and pushed my interest in him to the back of my mind- it'd never happen anyway. Then finally, that night at the boxing ring when he'd asked how old I was now and everything had changed.

The second minute: he already had two daughters, Dawn and Fawn. I'd never met Fawn but I'd glimpsed Dawn once or twice. She usually only came down to Charming to get money out of her Dad, who always gave in. He hadn't been the best father to them- I knew that. Neither had Clay when I was growing up. Still, I knew he loved them. That didn't mean he wanted another kid though- especially at his age. Shit, if Dawn or Fawn had kids now it wouldn't be out of the question and then he'd be a grandfather. What if Tig didn't stick around if I wanted to keep the baby?

Third minute: did I want the baby, if I was indeed pregnant? Shit. How had I been so fucking stupid? Tig and I had been having sex for long enough now that I knew the drill. No day was safe to take a risk; always remember to take my pill. Yet, there they were sitting on the edge of the sink from where I'd taken them out and counted back the days. I'd missed four days in a row somehow. Right around the point where it seemed Tig didn't want me anymore, that we weren't having sex. But then, of course, we had had sex. That was how long ago? I couldn't even figure that out.

Three minutes were up. I already knew before I looked though. The crying and the nausea, the timing- it all made too much sense.

So when I saw the two lines signifying a positive test, I didn't actually feel much surprise. The second I'd seen the tampons that morning I felt I'd known- that'd been the reason I didn't hang around to take a test. What was the point? The sooner I knew, the sooner I could think shit through.

I sat on the closed lid of the toilet for a little while, staring into space. I was pregnant with Tig Trager's baby. A voice in the back of my mind that thought itself funny joked that it hadn't seen that one coming. Well, shit. Now what?

At that minute, the buzzer rang for downstairs. Like a ghost, I drifted out of the bathroom and over to the speakerphone. I picked up the receiver and pressed the answer button.

"Yeah?" I asked emotionlessly.

"Eliza? It's me."

"Hale?" I checked, and he muttered his assent. I sighed. What shitty timing this guy had. Still, I couldn't think of what to say to send him off and besides, I did still want to know more about that fire and the well-being of Gene, so I buzzed him up. I opened the door of the apartment a crack and sat down on the ugly couch Tig hated so much. A minute later and Hale pushed the door open.

"Sorry to drop in you like this," He said, almost echoing the same words he'd spoken when he broke the news about Luann the night before. I shrugged and he sat down a little distance away from me on the sofa. "The store was totally destroyed by the fire. The fire department have concluded that the place was torched deliberately- there were a couple of twisted up jerry cans inside there."

"Paperwork?" I checked.

"Nothing survived," He answered. I nodded.

"What about Gene?"

"There were no bodies- he wasn't in there. But he's nowhere to be found, either. His apartment in Lodi is empty, all his stuff's gone, and none of his neighbours have seen him for around a week. Nobody seems to know where he's gone, or where he might be headed..." I could hear Hale talking but honestly I wasn't really taking any of it in. Gene was alive, that's all I could take from it all for now. I zoned out, thinking about the tiny life inside me right at that moment- a concept that suddenly seemed so bizarre, that you could just harbour life, walk around with a baby inside you. I realised Hale was still talking. "...know of any family he might have gone to stay with?"

"He didn't have any," I replied faintly, "They disowned him when he was using..." I remembered him telling me something about that, anyway. He hadn't seemed that bothered by it, either. Family.

"Eliza," Hale touched my knee, drawing me back into the real world. I looked at him. He seemed both very close and far away at the same time, "I'm sorry. I know it's a lot for you to take in, especially after Mrs Delaney yesterday."

"It's okay..." I was suddenly blinking back tears. Oh hell, if this was what pregnancy meant, blubbing like a goddamn baby all the time, I didn't want any part of it.

"Are you okay?" Hale asked me. I don't know why but I just blurted it out without meaning to:

"I- I- just found out I'm pregnant." All of a sudden I was sobbing all over Hale's uniform while he patted me on the back a little awkwardly until eventually, hiccupping, I pulled myself together somewhat. "I'm sorry," I said, wiping my tears with my sleeve, "I never cry and now that's all I ever fuckin' do..."

"How long have you known?" Hale questioned, frowning.

"Since literally twenty seconds before you showed up here," I said sarcastically. He pulled a face. "You can't have known what you were walking into," I added, before he could apologise again for the intrusion. I was already regretting telling him anything. I hadn't wanted to tell anyone anything- not yet. I yearned for Tig. Even though I feared his reaction, he was the person who should know before anyone else. I kept enough secrets from him, but not this. I knew I couldn't hide this from Tig, not for long- it was so soon, so early into our relationship, that I had no idea what to expect. It was a gutting feeling. Still, Hale looked on stoically.

"Congratulations," He wished me, though I could tell his heart wasn't in it.

"Thanks," I returned, not feeling grateful at all.

"Well, I'll be in touch with any more info..." Hale made his excuses and left quickly. I couldn't blame him.

Tig didn't come home that night. He sent me a message explaining something about Chinese takeout arriving late. I took that to mean the club were dealing with the Chinese and whatever it was, their business had overrun in some way, so I'd left the key under the doormat outside. I didn't ask questions, I just had an early night. Sleeping was easier than thinking about anything and besides, I'd gotten barely any the night before. Still, I stirred in the early morning light- I'd forgotten to close the blinds- and Tig was just slipping into bed, as silent as a cat in his movements.

He wrapped his arms around me from behind, pressing his lips to a spot behind my ear.

"Honey, I'm home," He whispered. I rolled over to greet him and kissed him, enjoying the tips of his fingers running across my ribcage.

He deepened the kiss on me, moving his hand to cup my face as he slowly moved his mouth against mine, sucking on my bottom lip. I sighed, letting my tongue dance with his, but when I felt his hand move to my ass I stopped him, holding onto it gently. He broke apart from me, giving me a questioning look.

"What?" He asked.

When I'd blurted it out to Hale it'd been clumsy, harsh, the words burning my throat. And every waking moment and some of the sleeping ones since then had been spent with me wrestling on when, where and how I was going to tell Tig that I was pregnant. I had toyed with waiting for a right time, and even briefly with the idea of never telling him, dealing with the problem quietly, allowing our relationship to blossom at the normal rate. However, lying with him so close, his hold on me so gentle and his eyes so blue, all I felt was a softening in my heart.

"I love you," I amended instead. I would tell him, I decided, but not right now.

"I love you too," He returned with a lazy smile, cuddling me closer.

"How did everything go?" I asked him quietly.

"Chinese part was good," He replied in a soft voice, "Back in Charming, not so good."

"What happened?"

"Cara Cara has been torched… Jax thinks it was Clay. Says he's going Nomad."

"I can't really talk right now," Jax said shortly down the phone. I ignored his tone of voice.

"I'm surprised you picked up," I stated plainly. The first thing I'd done that day was call him. The fact was, going Nomad was a bad idea. SAMCRO had too many enemies- Jax wouldn't be safe floating from one charter to another. On top of that, he had a family now. How could he just leave them? I couldn't imagine Tara would be happy with this idea. Jax didn't speak for a minute, but I heard him sigh down the phone.

"Give me a minute," He said finally, and I heard his background noise diminish as he obviously went somewhere more private. "Sis, I'm sorry for what I said at dinner the other night. I was an ass to you- none of this is your fault."

"Tig told me you're going Nomad," I told him, "I just wanted it on record that I think you're making a huge fucking mistake."

"Did he tell you about Cara Cara too?" He asked. Despite the fact Jax couldn't see, I rolled my eyes automatically at the fact he still wouldn't say Tig's name.

"Yes, he did," I replied testily.

"Clay wants us out of the porn biz, but he knew the vote to pull out would never go in his favour," Jax told me, "Suddenly the place is up in flames. Do the math, sis." I sighed. I knew why he thought it made sense- because, to be honest, it did make sense, from where Jax was standing. However, my gut instinct told me that Clay wasn't behind this warehouse fire.

"I can see what you mean," I said, to placate him, "But even if you're right, going Nomad- Jax, what about Abel, and Tara?"

"Tara will understand. So will Abel, one day." Tentatively, I put my hand to my lower stomach, where I knew my baby was- if you could really call it a baby yet.

"Jax," I sighed sadly, not knowing how to convince him, "I don't want you to leave."

"I know," He replied, "I'm sorry, kid. But you have him to look after you now, right?" I closed my eyes, squeezing back those annoying tears that kept on insisting on making appearances at bad times.

"Doesn't mean I don't still need my big bro," I managed to say, my voice wavering only slightly. He actually chuckled, and I felt the ice between us crack down the airwaves at the sound.

"You've never needed anyone in your life kid," He sniggered, "But you'll always have me, anyway." Hanging up, I knew I hadn't really gotten through to him. I feared he'd never forgive Clay for making the judgement that Opie was a rat and getting Donna killed- it'd take something huge to bring them back together. I knew Gemma would be just as unhappy to hear about Jackson's decision as I was. I wondered if she'd have any more impact on him than I did.

Still, today I also had some things of my own to deal with. Chibs was out of hospital today, so I knew the guys had gone to pick him up that morning but by now they'd be well clear of St Thomas'. I sent Tara a text asking her to meet me if she could before driving over there myself. I double checked the parking lot but, seeing no signs of any of the Sons, I headed into the hospital.

I met Tara in the hospital chapel. I spent little to no time in this room but it was the only semi-private place to talk. She looked quite mystified when she saw me.

"Is everything okay?" She asked me.

"Yeah… I, uh..." I hesitated. It felt weird saying the words out loud, even though I'd blurted them freely to Hale the day before. "I'm pregnant," I said, a little nervously. She looked surprised, "Not sure how far along- maybe a few weeks."

"Oh, erm, okay. Does Tig know?" She asked, recovering quickly.

"Not yet… I was wondering… I mean, I haven't done this before. Am I supposed to have some kind of check-up or…?" I felt like an idiot. I realised I had absolutely no idea what I was supposed to do- I didn't know how to be a pregnant woman. I knew nothing about babies at all, really.

"We can do a couple of checks and a scan to see how far along you are," Tara confirmed, reaching out and taking my wrist gently, "Do you know what you want to do?"

Yes, Tara. I want to run for the fucking hills. I want to cry. I want to hurl myself off the Stockton port.

"I want to keep it." Tara looked at me for a long moment but I think she could tell from my voice that I was decided. I'd decided the moment I'd looked into Tig's eyes in the early hours of that morning. I knew it wasn't going to be easy- and I'd just proven to myself, in my own mind, that I had no idea what to do or expect- but I knew I couldn't abort the baby or give it away. Even if I lost Tig, even if he hated me for it, I wanted this baby. Young I might be, but I just knew inside myself that this was what I wanted to do.

"Okay," She breathed finally, smiling, "Come this way. We'll get you looked over."

The jelly was cold on my tummy, but I was hardly aware of that. Tara was pointing at the ultrasound screen, her finger on a tiny speck which I could barely make out.

"There it is," She smiled softly, "The baby. Looks to be about six weeks into the pregnancy." Six weeks? I supposed that made sense, considering what I'd deduced from the pills I'd forgotten to take. Once again, for what felt like the millionth time, I felt myself welling up.

"I am so fucking sick of crying," I muttered, wiping the tears furiously away. Tara chuckled and handed me a Kleenex.

"It's the hormones. How are you feeling, generally?" She asked, as she helped wipe the jelly off my stomach. "Any difficult symptoms? Morning sickness?"

"A little morning sickness," I confirmed, "It's kinda what made me figure it out."

"Tiredness? Headaches?"

"No more than usual."

"All looks good so far." I sat up on the edge of the table, watching as she binned her gloves.

"Thanks, Tara. You won't tell anyone, will you? I mean, I guess I need to tell Tig," I knew she wouldn't but I felt obligated to check. Tara shook her head, smiling.

"Of course not- this is all confidential. In a few weeks you'll need to come back and have another check up and make sure everything's okay with the baby, though." I nodded, thanking her again. Tara led me out of the ultrasound room. I took great care to look around to check nobody we knew was near before addressing the other subject that needed to be talked about.

"Where are you on Jax going Nomad?" I asked her quietly.

"I don't know," Tara sighed, "I don't really know what it means. Gemma thinks it's a bad idea."

"It is," I said blandly.

"Jax thinks it's best for SAMCRO- says if he doesn't do it somebody's gonna end up dead," She looked at me out of the corner of her eye, pondering something. "He showed me this stuff his father wrote about wanting to get the club out of all the violence."

"He told me about that," I acknowledged.

"Do you think it can be done?" Honestly, I'd given this quite a lot of thought, especially since I'd been with Tig and had become more acquainted, somewhat unwillingly, with what went on when the guys went on runs. The violence, the guns, the criminal activity- it all worried me, like it'd worry any sane person. Regardless of what I thought about it, it was a different question as to whether I thought they could leave that stuff behind.

"I know Jax loves SAMCRO, no matter what he feels right now about Clay and whatever else. If he leaves, there's no chance SAMCRO will ever get out of what they're in. And he won't be able to live with that forever." Speaking of the devil, Tara's phone beeped at that moment, just as she was processing what I said. She glanced at it then looked around at me.

"It's Jax," She said, "SAMCRO voted in favour of releasing him."

A/N:

I just want to clear something up. I know that a pregnancy storyline may not please some people. But I am trying to keep things human and when you're human, this type of stuff happens. HOWEVER, I will say that it won't just become a story about a happily ever after family. It wouldn't be Sons of Anarchy if that was the case. I'm saying no more for now, I just hope that you guys are willing to stick with me. As usual, feedback is welcome!