Chapter 37: MIRROR

TRIGGER WARNINGS: CAR ACCIDENTS (MULTIPLE), PANIC ATTACKS AND DEPRESSION

Maya's POV

I walk out of the locker room in my scrubs to chaos. The hospital was in Code Black with more patients still coming in. There had been at least thirty cars involved in the accident ten of which had got it pretty badly.

Gosh it was going to be a long shift.

I barely make it to the nurse's station before I'm grabbed by Doctor Rorish and lead towards the emergency. She gives me a smirk.

"So you and Mario?"

"Yep," I say back trying not to smile.

"How long?"

"Nearly two months," I reply.

Before she can reply the doors burst open and a gurney is brought in by Deeken and another paramedic. Seeing Deeken surprisingly doesn't bother me as much as it usually does. I put it down to how close, ahem, Mario and I got last night. However the expression on his face concerns me. He's looking at me like he's sorry for me.

That's when I see the patient.

Dislocated shoulder. Two pretty big shards of glass in the torso. Chest injuries and head injury. Various lacerations and bruises.

"Fifteen year old female, was found in the worst of car of the crash. Father is on route behind us, mother didn't make it," The older paramedic says as we push the girl into Centre Stage. You have got to be freaking kidding me. It takes all I have to stay calm while he says her injuries. "Mass amount of blood loss and unconscious on arrival. Pulse is weak and thready and is having severe breathing difficulties."

"Okay we need to move her very carefully," Doctor Rorish says as we secure the bed in centre stage. "Maya I need you to go round that side and help support that side."

I nod and shakily go over to the girl's right side. I gently stretch over the proper gurney and grab her.

"Got her," I say.

"On the count of three. One… Two… Three…" Doctor Rorish says and we quickly move the girl.

I get hit by the blood first.

I jump back stunned as the monitor goes nuts and from the looks of it Doctor Rorish needs to take a second to get her head straight. We've nicked something.

"WE NEED SURGICAL IN HERE!" She yells as I jump into action.

One of the nurses comes up behind me a puts on a pair of goggles for me as I start to check her chest and torso desperately ignoring the blood. Rapid heartbeat and low pressure.

"We've nicked the adrenal glands and her right kidney," I say.

"We need to stop the bleeding," Doctor Rorish says as we both get scrubbed up.

This was chaos.

I take a deep breath and try to stay calm. We could not lose this patient. No. Come on kid you have got to fight.

Doctor Rorish comes round the same side as me as I start to cut away the girl's shirt but I was having difficulty with the mass amount of blood. I flinch away when I get hit by more blood after I finally get the shirt free.

Stay calm. Stay calm.

The high pitched whine fills the room.

Crap.

"Maya start compressions," Doctor Rorish says as she takes over from me.

I nod in a haze and start compressions. She's not you. Stay calm. She's not you. But it's hard to focus as the realisation hits me that this was me on this gurney ten years ago. I keep going strong with the compressions as people slowly stop around me.

"Any objections?" Doctor Rorish asks.

I keep going shaking my head. No. No. I won't let this happen. No. Come on fight.

"Maya stop," She says. I don't. "Maya!"

I stop due to the tone of her voice. I step down breathing heavily. I don't bother hiding the tears that begin to fall. DAMMIT!

"Time of death nine forty eight AM," Doctor Rorish says.

I rip off my gloves and gown and chuck them in the nearest bin and storm out, ignoring the voices behind me.

I burst out of the back emergency entrance just as the panic takes over. I need air. I need air. It's not long before I empty my stomach contents into the nearest bin. A few seconds after the emergency doors that I'd just burst through burst open again to reveal Doctor Rorish. However I was too busy trying to calm down.

"What was that all about!?" She says sternly.

I stutter over my words and thoughts. My hand instinctively goes to my side as my thoughts start to swarm.

"That… That…" I stutter the panic starting to hit me harder.

"Maya what's wrong?" She says softer than her previous blow up realising there's something wrong.

"That… That was me six years ago. On that table," I stutter out breathless. "The patient no trauma doctor wants to see."

"Maya what are you talking about?"

"I was that girl," I say. "Trauma level five borderline six. Bleeding out everywhere. Parents dead or still fighting."

"Awk Maya…" She begins.

"And it had to be the exact same injuries because the universe freaking hates me," I barrel on.

"What do you mean?"

I lift up my scrubs briefly to show the three scars on my torso, two messy and one neat. Her jaw drops.

"There's two on the side of my chest and one on my forehead," I say fixing my scrubs. "My spleen got hit instead of the kidneys and adrenals."

My breathing starts to pick up as things hit me all at once. That could have been me six years ago. That should have been me. I just lost a patient. Crap. My legs buckle as the attack hits.

"Maya, do you have a panic disorder?" Doctor Rorish asks going into Doctor Mode.

I nod as I start to do my breathing exercises. In… Hold… Out…

"Haven't had an attack since high school," I wheeze.

"It's okay," She says kneeling down. "Head between your knees and deep breaths."

It takes Doctor Rorish a good ten minutes to calm me down but thankfully she does. Five minutes after that we head back in. She puts me onto TSI2 and TSI3 patients which I was thankful for. She doesn't tell anyone about the attack, not even Doctor Perello and I was thankful for that too.

Mario looks at me with concerned eyes the entire Code but I avoid him. My head was pounding and I took my breaks in hidden areas. When the crisis is finally over and my shift ends I leave quickly before anyone can grab me. I say a quick thank you to Doctor Rorish and head home taking a cab instead of getting a ride with Mario whom I came to work with.

I needed to get home and get some sleep.

Everything always looked better in the morning light.